#;; LIKE THIS MAN CAN COMMIT CRIMES AND CAN COOK YOU A GOOD MEAL

[yxstxrdrxxm-a]

Albedo be creating horrors beyond human comprehension on a Tuesday afternoon and then goes home and cooks a nice dinner for date night. Get a man who can do both.

[maislovebot]

GOOD MORNINGGGG

how do you think the rest of the DOA members would be like vampies? :3

- 🌀

GOOD MORNING!! Sorry that this is so late, my professor assigned some super hard assignments smh🙏 I honestly find it very interesting to think about the bsd characters in some vampire au so ty for this ask:3

I don’t normally write for Fukuchi but because this is just a small blurb I figured why not! Bram is also different from the others, as his doesn’t take place in an au and instead takes place in canon. Everyone else’s takes place in an au where their vampirism has a completely different set of rules from Bram’s!! You won’t become mindless if they bite you ty

I feel like Fukuchi has the most control out of any of them? He doesn’t really bite you often because he feels like it’s immoral. He’s already committing enough immoral crimes that completely go against everything him and his image stand for. He’s a war hero after all, why would he want to hurt more people than he already has to, especially when hurting you isn’t even going to save anyone. The only real exception would be if he was quite literally starving, and if you’re in poor health? Forget it. He’s never biting you. He would never bite you recreationally, it would only be if he was hiding from another organization and hadn’t eaten in multiple days.

If he were to bite you though, it wouldn’t be very different. He is a man with a lot of willpower and control. He’s able to control himself better than anyone else on this list, in all honesty. He’ll drink the amount he needs to be sustained, then he’s finished. No more no less.

He would enjoy eating nice meals, like perfectly cooked steak, or other things similar. He wouldn’t be very fond of roadkill, because he has the funds to eat at 5 star restaurants pretty much every day. Why eat things he sees on the side of the road?

Bram is similar in the sense that he has self control. He’s aware of the fact that if he were to bite you, you’d be subjected to becoming nothing more than a mindless, blood sucking creature. That isn’t what he wants from you. He wants to be with you for the rest of his days, even if he knows it isn’t realistic because you’re merely human. He’ll try to simply come to terms with the fact he won’t have you for very long, but it’ll only take him maybe 4 months after he’s gotten his body back for him to go on the hunt for something that can make him human, or safely turn you into a vampire. He’s aware of the page because of Fukuchi, and it’s his number one goal to get a hold of it now. He’d prefer to get it by teaming up with whoever is in possession of it, but if that doesn’t work out, he isn’t afraid to take a more villainous approach. Anything to keep you.

In terms of biting you, he never has because he knows what will happen. But oh god has he fantasized about it. It’s all he thinks about. You’d look so pretty with his fangs in your neck.

He didn’t really eat much before he got his body, only being fed whenever Fukuchi had someone he wanted turned, but that didn’t happen much until the vampirism outbreak. Now that he’s gotten his body back, he doesn’t bite people as one, he would feel unfaithful to you, even if nothing became of it and it was purely for feeding. He also wants to make a conscious effort to be good for Aya’s sake. He eats food you make for him. He doesn’t really like going out in public often, so he allows you to cook for him. You’ve made plenty of meals with blood in them, like animals, but you’ve also introduced him to other types of food, and even if they serve him no nutritional value, he finds them delicious.

Fyodor would love to bite you. If you’re just another pawn on his comically large chess board, then he’ll drink your blood with no real intent of giving you anything in return. Sure, he’ll toss you a rag, but you have to clean yourself off! He’s so horrible. If he cares about you, however, he is strangely tender. He has a sense of self control, but sometimes he gets so desperate for your blood he can’t help himself! He’ll hold you down and nibble into your shoulder. He likes biting your shoulder a strange amount. He can’t explain it, it’s just a nice, convenient spot to bite. This is why he loves it when you wear tops with thin or no straps. Makes for east access! Also let’s not forget that this man is anemic. He’d like to bite you to help get his iron levels up, so at least him constantly asking for you to let him bite you has some practical use? If you say no to him biting you, he’ll respect it. He cares about you, he wouldn’t do anything against your will. You’re the light of his life, after all. You’re perfection, therefore, what you say goes.

Whenever Fyodor does bite you, he’s quite literally on top of you, straddling you. He likes the power it gives him, even if in your opinion, he looks rather pathetic biting you while literally straddling you and trembling from how good you taste. He also likes to bite you from the back sometimes. He’ll walk up behind you, hugging you and swaying from side to side before grazing his fangs over your shoulder, awaiting your permission. He is capable of pacing himself, but if he begins ti notice you're getting dizzy more frequently, or you're getting woozy while he's biting you, he'll stop and clean up your bite, wordlessly cleaning you up and cuddling you.

He also likes to eat fine dining. Nothing can quite compare to the taste of your blood, but there are some fair substitutes. He will drink your blood whenever the opportunity presents itself, but he'll also take the two of you out to a nice restaurant and let you order whatevee you please, while he'll order something simple and bloody.

Nikolai is certainly the most strange when it comes to his behaviors. When he bites you he’ll take the blood left over and wipe it on your cheek or something weird like that😭 he also likes biting you in weird places because he finds it funny?? Like he’ll nibble on your fingertips and shit just for funzies?? Similarly to Fyodor, he would bite you whenever given permission. He doesn’t try to limit himself, if you give him permission, why stop? He’d treat you like fine dining. You’re sweet and yummy and Nikolai can’t get enough of it! If you were to tell him no, say that you don’t want him to bite you, he’d roll his eyes playfully but agree. He obviously wouldn’t want you to leave him because he bit you without asking! Then he wouldn’t be able to drink your yummy blood anymore. He also does care about what you have to say, even if he doesn’t admit it because he feels like it makes him seem less free.

As I said earlier, he likes biting weird obscure places, like your fingertips. He’ll lean down like a gentleman and kiss the top of your hand, slowly trailing down and kissing your knuckles, then your fingertips, before finally nibbling your finger tips. As he kisses you he places him hands on your stomach to press you down onto the nearest couch or bed, so you’ll be sitting up comfortably while he leans ahead of you. He also likes biting places like your collarbones, arms, etc. as much as he likes biting in weird obscure places, the neck is nice too. It’s simple, but affective.

He pretty much only drinks your blood..he’ll go a few days without eating (luckily vampires can last sufficiently longer without food that normal humans can), so once you’ve rebuilt your energy he can drink your blood again. Rinse and repeat that process over and over again, and you’ve got Nikolai’s eating habits. He’s also a messy eater..there will be blood pretty much dripping from wherever he bit you when he’s done so he can wipe it on your face or body.

We’ve already talked about Sigma a fair amount, but I’m down to cover the basics. He loves to bite you, in fact nothing can quite compare. He’ll bite you and once he’s done he has this appreciative look on his face. He loves that you’re willing to let him bite you, but he also feels bad. He tends to space out when he bites you, and he prefers biting you in places that have more fat so it hurts less. He’s already a thigh guy but he especially loves biting you there.. your neck is also a good spot to bite though. It’s a little more painful for you, though, so he tends to not bite you there often.

When he’s finished biting you he’ll just lick up the blood, and get a towel. If you’re too tired he’ll just set you down and take a bath with you, bandaging up wherever he bit you. If you’re not, he’ll treat you real good to make up for it. He may love biting you, but somehow, seeing how you’re attached to him at the hip, clinging onto him for the rest of the day is even more satisfying. He finds it cute.

He loves eating stuff you make for him and stuff from nice restaurants, and despite the fact nothing can quite compare to you, he knows he can’t realistically drink your blood every day. You’d get sick, and not to mention it would cause a lot of swelling and bruising. He’d rather space it out.

I was tempted to make this sufficiently more nsfw, but I decided to refrain from anything sexual outside of biting as I didn’t wanna deviate from the original prompt too much..

[cod-dump]

Cooking/Food:

Ghost: Man has a iron stomach and has been surviving off anything he can get his hands on. He doesn't cook because he simply doesn't care and food presentation means nothing to him. If something needs to be cooked to become edible he will but he doesn't go beyond instructions. Salt and pepper is the most he's willing to use to season. One of the only people who isn't afraid to eat whatever Alex makes.

Roach: More of a food thief rather than a cook. He knows the basics about cooking and normally just lives off microwave meals. Will steal someones food unless he has a reason to not want to. Anything made by Ghost is out of the question and he ignores Alejandro/Rudy's homemade meals because they might kill him.

Graves: Doesn't cook much but actually is a very good cook. Southern comfort/soul food is his specialty. Man knows how to make the crispiest, juiciest fried pork chops you have ever had. Has made food for people that he liked in the past but now only cooks for himself and that rarely happens. The stars have to be aligned for him to be in the mood to cook.

Soap: Fantastic cook. Roach tries to steal from him the most even though Soap is not above killing someone for his food. He loves to cook and loves to cook for people he cares about. If you're hungry, ask and you will be satisfied. Soap is all about fresh ingredients, has a variety of spices, the most expensive cookbooks and cookware-- Used to dream of being a chef but had a change in career paths in his late teens.

Price: Is a very good cook and is the master of making gourmet meals out of scraps and poor choice ingredients. Can make a five course meal out of a 'empty' fridge. The quickest way to his heart is a home cooked meal, doesn't matter if it's good or not. Absolutely will feed anyone if they ask him to cook. Loves to cook, much like Soap.

Farah: She knows how to cook pretty well but she doesn't do it often. Tends to only cook for special occasions and for certain people. Food is her love language and you know where you stand with her if she offers you a plate. Farah doesn't shy away from spice and loves buying exotic spices when she's traveling. Has multiple different kinds of the same spice because she can't help herself.

Alex: Commits food crimes on the daily. Makes unholy concoctions and has been banned from the kitchen on multiple different occasions by various people. Has actually made Graves cook by simply being horrible at cooking. No one knows if he's trying to purposely burn water or if he's just shit in the kitchen. Food is also his love language but because of his inability to cook he just buys expensive food for people.

Alejandro: Like Alex he is shit in the kitchen. But, unlike Alex, he doesn't commit atrocities or accidentally summon demons when in the kitchen. Alejandro will eat anything and his high spice tolerance means almost nothing scares him. Has a very diverse palette and can pinpoint ingredients with ease.

Gaz: Man is spoiled by Price and Laswell's cooking. He doesn't eat frozen meals and usually makes himself simple meals. He isn't the best cook but he makes edible and alright tasting food. Gaz loves to watch others cook and also loves helping. If his presence is unwanted in the kitchen he will leave but if no one tells him he can't stay he will watch the person cooking's every move.

Laswell: Is full of culinary secrets and loves to cook. She loves making everyone fresh homemade meals. Sends care packages to those closest to her whenever she can. Laswell knows secrets that Soap has been trying to pry out of her for the last couple years. Her recipe book is hidden for a reason.

Rudy: Has taken culinary classes once upon a time plus learned from his grandmother before she passed. Loves cooking and cooks to relieve stress. Makes meals big enough to feed a village so he keeps his kitchen stocked. Loves spice and food made personally for him will melt your face off. Doesn't mind cooking for people as long as they directly ask him. Food thieves have learned to fear him.

Nik: Don't let him cook. Everyone who knows better makes sure he's not in the kitchen without supervision. He doesn't see what the problem is. He's only summoned a demon one time.

[ladyswillmart]

Doing my own OC questionnaire for/as Hivallion, because I know nobody else will do it for me! "Thank you Swilly, for filling your own hole!"

(1) Signature "Magic Mushroom" Air Freshener Scent:

"The prospect of having a home perpetually smelling of whatever 'Nature's Bouquet' smells like sounds compelling to me. What could that possibly entail? Can you imagine? I can. I have spent a lot of time in nature and I have smelled a lot of different things, in combinations that one may conceivably describe as a bouquet. But, I am also not that daring so I would probably just go for 'Lemon Whisper'. You know exactly what you're in for with a name like that: A faint suggestion of lemon. Indeed, as if someone is merely whispering the word into the void while hiding in your coat closet."

(2) Personal Nickname, Title, or Epithet?

"We elves tend to accumulate many names; we sort of collect them like barnacles on an old skiff. One category of name is the epessë, which I would most liken to a epithet or professional title. Now you know my first name is Hivalliôn—some of my kin would call this the Father Name, though my name actually derives from my mother's. And it's purely a Falathrin construct. It comes from our word for a large seabird that once lived here, the hiválew. I never actually met my father, for the candle of his life got snuffed shortly before I was born. His name was Haegaear and he was a shipwright, but anyway, his epessë was Swan-Maker. And I too have had several such titles over the years. Lately people are calling me the All-Feather because I've taken it upon myself to document every species of bird that I encounter in my travels. Even the Rangers started calling me this, save Radanir, who started calling me Birdbrain instead. Well, whatever works!"

Pictured: Hivallion and the famously taciturn ranger Radanir, a strange sight without his characteristic hood. "We've very different personalities and he teases me quite a bit," admits Hivallion. "But we are mates so it's all in good fun."

(3) Any compelling reasons for existing?

"Oh, headed straight into the hard philosophy, aren't we? And so soon after the one about air fresheners. Well. I suppose this question reads differently for an elf of the Fourth Age; it has long been our destiny to leave Middle-Earth and sail to the Uttermost West, and there are not very many of us remaining here at all. So, should I say that my main reason for existing here today is to fulfill this destiny? Seems a bit redundant. Yet I think, primarily, I continue to exist here because I feel my business is not yet finished, not quite. My heart beats alongside that of my master Círdan...

"...hmm. That answer sounds a bit vacuous, doesn't it? So, aside from all that, my most compelling reason for remaining here is to periodically return to Long Cleeve so I can visit the Askews for tea and conversation, and some apple brown betty. Sometimes they have ice cream to go with it—really, they say that now is the Age of Man, but I maintain that we might want to consider forfeiting this one to the Hobbits."

(4) Favorite Genre of Dessert?

"It is funny, I was never much of a sweet tooth all throughout my life. I suppose we elves don't really do dessert, or at least we didn't in the Falas, or even in Mithlond. But those Hobbits take their meals very seriously and they can cook. Pies, cakes, buckles, cobblers, muffins, tarts—I've never had a buckle in my life, 8120-something years old and I didn't even know what a buckle was until I came to the Yondershire. So I think my favorite sort of dessert is something not too sweet, something with loads of fruit and perhaps a crumbly topping for textural contrast. As for the specifics, well, I'm not picky!"

(5) Uh oh! You've been arrested! What's the crime and how do you plead?

"Oh, probably something related to protecting the environment, I should think. In cases where such a thing would constitute a crime, it is always one worth committing. Like chaining myself to a tree to stop someone from cutting it down, that sort of thing. Hmm. Of course, if that someone happened to be Saruman, I doubt something as inconsequential as my body would've prevented him—or more likely one of his Uruks—from taking a hatchet to the thing."

(6) Do you know where your keys are?

"I think so. I hope so! I have keys to a rental cottage in Falathlorn as well as my old place in Mithlond. Though the latter I haven't seen in over three millennia as I've yet to make my way that far west. Do you think the place still stands? If it does, whoever occupies it now has certainly changed the locks by now, and no doubt they've redecorated so I probably wouldn't recognize it anyway. I also have a key to a small box in the Rivendell vault that contains a few of my more important belongings. Elrond set that one up for me while I was vegetating in Tham Send. Wasn't that kind of him?"

(7) Favorite Unsolved Mystery?

"Why didn't they just fly the eagles into Mordor...?"

[cosyabbi]

51 Questions You've never asked about your characters (NaNoWriMo prep)

What does your character do when no one is looking? She draws runes & sigils on places i.e. protection, peace, good luck

What's the one thing your character would save in a fire? The family grimoire

Who's on speed dial? Her ride or die bff

Your character gets turned down for their dream job. What's their second one? Her dream is the cafe but her second job would be anything with food

What would they tell their ten year old self? The man you think is perfect, he isn't

Where would they want to go on a first date? Their dream first date would e going to a bookstore then a metaphysical store, then picnic and stargazing

What's the best advice they've ever received? Love should feel like the hearth, then you know you are home

What's the worst advice they've ever received? "Stay with me, I'm the best you'll ever get"

What's one physical detail they'd change about themselves? Her freckles

When was the last time they were held? By who? Her bff the day she left her hometown

what's their favourite thing about their favourite season? It's the season of change, Halloween, Baking cosy recipes

Their wallet gets stolen. What do they do? Cast a location spell and go looking for it

Prioritize: Love, Money, Power, Knowledge? Love

What's something nobody knows about them? If she has the opportunity she will perform her rituals and spells as they were intended in the nude

What's in their fridge? Ingredients for all her food and spell work, but they are the very best ingredients

What (creature, object, substance) are they most disgusted by? Processed food when she knows she can make it better themselves

What's their second worst habit?

What are the victory conditions for their life? To be content, to find love and to take over the cafe from her parents

In the end, your character fails to save the day. Assuming they survive, what do they do? Try to help as many people as they can

Your character is charged with a crime they didn't commit. What do they do? Brew a truth serum and tell the truth

Your character is charged with a crime they did commit. What was the crime? They turned full to the dark side and takes out many people

How would you describe your character's life in one sentence? Gilmore girls with magic

What important statistic would they want displayed above them? How many spells they have cast

What's the first thing they would by if they won the lottery? New and rare spell supplies

What profession do they most respect? Head of the coven

What childhood injustice did they never get over? What a supernatural at school bullied her bff and she stood up to them

How would they handle having a panic attack? They wouldn't they would need help to get over it

Your character is burdened with an inconvenient superpower. What is it? Her mood affects her baking and cooking, when she's mad it's burnt, when she's sad it's salty

If they died and could come back as any person, animal, or object, what would they be? A familiar of some kind

What's the best meal they've ever had? Their mother's Parkin

Where would they stand at a dinner party? Near the center of the room so they can speak to everyone

Who would they invite to the dinner party? Head of their coven, her bff, mmc, members of the coven, people from town

What makes a perfect day for your character? Waking up late, spending the morning baking, speaking to customers, then going home she would curl up with a book, fire going and music playing in the background

If given the opportunity, would they want to know how and when they died? No, they want to live life to the full without knowing when it will end

What's the one thing they've always wanted to do? Why haven't they done it yet? Travel to the oldest magical places, her exboyf wouldn't take her

What do they tend to joke about? That she uses cinnamon to cover up the poison in her food

What's off limits? Any kind of dark magic - exboyf dabbles in it

Whose wedding would they cross the world to attend? Whose funeral? Her bff

What impossible choice did they make that turned out to be the right one? Leaving her exboyf

Your character has someone to hype them up. What would they say to get everyone excited about your character? They are like a warm cinnamon roll, a fresh piece of Parkin, she's warm and comforting

What recurring dream does your character have? Walking through the trees in autumn and walking up to a tall, wide man tapping him on the shoulder and just as he starts to turn around she wakes up

What is the meaning of life to your character? To find the love of your life

If your character wrote a NaNo novel, would they be a planner, pantser or plantser? Pantser

What book does your character pretend to have read? The Great Gatsby

Someone takes undeserved credit for your character's work. What do they do? She casts a tiny hex that causes an inconvenience until they apologise

What controversial belief or view does your character hold? In this universe she believes that witches should be counted as supernaturals even though they are born human

Your character is at a theme park. Where do they go first? The Ghost train

What's your character's favourite name? The nickname from her mother [haven't decided a name yet]

What's the biggest compliment they'd give themselves? That they have time and a kind word for everyone

How does your character feel about bugs? They aren't their biggest fan but they won't kill them. They love bees though.

If your character could hit a reset button on their life, would they? No because it brough them to where they need to be

[tenander]

Doing the Which of your OCs... asks for my homemade blorbos. Part 1: Question 1 - 13. (If you want to know more about these guys, check out their tags on my blog!)

has the best hair? As a certified impossibly-pretty-hair-enjoyer, that's a difficult pick. I'm gonna say Corzian, whose hair is ridiculously long, wavy and looks perfect all times even though he spent his entire youth sick in bed and now adventures daily with little to no time spent on its care. Elven privilege.

uses/would use the most products? Definitely Crim, he enjoys the ritual of pampering his own body and will happily take an hour to indulgently and thoroughly apply oils and creams and powders.

frustrates you the most? Zaphir, hands down. He is emotionally stunted, in a permanent state of paranoia and old enough to be very stubborn about his beliefs, and I want his story to be about finding inner peace and comfort and genuine companionship... but his story is the story of BG3, which is not conductive to overcoming trust issues. Hhhhhhhh....

makes you smile the most? ALL MY BLORBOS MAKE ME SMILE A LOT But Solstice's overflowing love and kindness is kind of infectuous, and sometimes he is also just really really funny in the most wholesome ways.

is the happiest? I think that'd be Qursa, now that he's reunited with his brother. He is with his family and they're doing good for the galaxy, that's all he ever wanted.

is the saddest? *slaps Crim* this bad boy can fit so much grief in him. He lost everyone he ever loved, as well as himself, and has to worry about losing more every single day. (He'll get better eventually.) I also have a yet unnamed guy percolating in my skull-raisin who is hella unhappy.

is/would be the first to die in a Horror scenario? Yukiro. He's a good fighter and a good sneak, but he is also in bad health and is the kind of man who would tell his team to "Go, I'll hold them off".

has been with you the longest? Making OCs permeates my life, so it's a bit hard to tell sometimes, but I think if we assume AU versions of an OC to still be the same character, then the OC I have had the longest and who has gotten new thoughts added within this year is Meredith, my Saints Row Boss. OG Meredith is basically retired (in a satisfying way), but there is a New Saints Row version of him.

is your newest? Fully existing, that would be my SWTOR Inquisitor, Ru'lonn, who will drag the empire into a new age of alien power even if he has to do it at forcelightningpoint. Still in larval form is unnamed guy, who achieved immortality in the worst possible way.

has the best butt? According to reliable and professional sources, Zaphir. He has been a Monk all his life, he could probably kill a man with his buttcheeks.

is/would be the most likely to get caught committing a crime? Novel would a) absolutely commit a crime for the sake of his townspeople or his temple and b) be really bad at it and get himself caught immediately.

likes/would like animals the most? It's a toss-up between Novel, the Ranger who was saved as a baby by ravens and is never without his own bird friends and loves all of nature, and (surprise) Qursa, who discovered that he is an exceptional healer because he can feel the pain of other living beings by noticing and healing injured animals as a youngling, and who still deeply cares for them now (except certain bugs, bugs are freaky).

can/could cook the best? I have had to realise that nearly all of my OCs have cooking skills ranging from "eh" to "oh god please no". In the context of this unfortunate trend, only Yukiro stands out as someone who can make a decent meal from nearly any ingredient he has available at the time, and makes amazing inarizushi.

[sammydem0n64]

MUNKIDORI HEADCANONS BEFORE I SLEEP‼️ (IF THIS FLOODS INTO THE CHARACTER TAG I MUST STRESS THIS IS GIJINKA AU MATERIAL LOL)

He’s got an Edo era binder (somehow DW abt it) and he binds UNSAFELY‼️ HE IS ALWAYS WEARING IT TO SLEEP AND SHIT DUDE IF YOU DONT TAKE THAT THING OFF‼️

Ethnically he’s Poke-Japanese (his origins are either from the first four regions or an unknown region, basically any Japanese coded region that isn’t Kitakami) but he was raised in Galar so… he’s got a bit of a British accent 😨 he’s mostly trained himself out of it bc it’s embarrassing but occasionally he’ll use some Galarian phrases, slang or the accent will pop out. And he hates every second of it.

Only child and YOU CAN TELL 🙄

He’s only like 38 but is often mistaken for being older due to his damn grouchy attitude and his stress lines

He often clings and hangs off Okidogi & Fezandipiti. Like he wraps himself around their arms and just dangles there. Y’know like a monkey

In the same vein he is a really good climber, def a parkour king and has used these skills to get out of sticky situations before

Before having neurotoxins injected straight into his head or whatever he was incredibly street smart! He wasn’t book smart but man he knew the streets!

He CAN see into the future (foresight) but only the immediate future. Sometimes he gets flashes of the future at random RIGHT as they were about to occur

So yeah he saw he and his partners’ deaths right seconds before they got jumped.

He HATES being lovey dovey and sappy but ultimately I do think he’s the most inwardly loving of the throuple, if that makes sense . He WILL get easily jealous when others try to get with his partners and he DOES get them thoughtful gifts with his own money instead of stealing them and he DOES love to snuggle in secret and he WOULD do nefarious things if it meant keeping them safe and he LOVES HE IS A LOVER‼️ but don’t tell anyone or else he’ll commit a crime

Popular media that feature the Loyal Three tend to either misinterpret him as being a much older man (like actual senior citizen.) or just baby face him. Cowards. You give that man his sideburns back NOWWWW

Ambidextrous if only because he forgot which hand was his dominant one after using his telekinesis to pick up objects for a few months, so when it came time to remember how to use his hands he was like “Shit I’ll just use both.”

MANLET‼️‼️‼️‼️

The de facto leader without Pecharunt because of his raw hubris.

Also the best cook outside of Pecharunt, everyone here can make a proper meal but Munkidori throws it out of the park 🫡

He misses his parent.

But he’ll never admit it.

[janthecrow]

DHMIS characters as RTGame video titles, Webseries Edition (Updated)

there will be characters with more than one title bc i couldn’t decide on one, and some titles will not change bc i couldn’t find a new one to give them

also there are characters like the trio missing bc i couldn’t find a title for them

Sketchbook:

I Took An Art Class, it was a Mistake

Tony:

I killed 553 people using only a fish in Hitman 2

There’s Chess, and The There’s Time Travel Chess

Shrignold:

Fable 2 is a game that lets you marry everyone

Colin:

Deciding The Best Content on Youtube by Using Super Smash Bros - WWMii

Laptop:

Using Advanced Geometry to play Golf With Friends

Gilbert:

Plants vs Zombies is a Timeless Masterpiece

Steak Guy:

A man who can't cook plays Cooking Mama Cookstar

Ruining Delicious Meals by Making Them In Cooking Mama

Fridge:

Don’t Make Pizza The Way I Did

We Baked Kirby into a Car

Spinach Can:

Using an Excessive Amount of Muffins to kill everyone in Hitman 2

Bread Boy:

We tried to cook food using our elbows in Brunch Club

Monster Cans:

Welcome to Dread Hunger, Let’s Kill and Eat Your Friends!

Bugsnax: A Psychological Horror Game, For Kids!

Larry:

Beating Hitman 3 by completely stupid means

A Man Who Loves Crime Plays Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney

Want to see 21,000 Fireworks Go Off At Once?

Roy:

I Love Murdering People, in Hitman 3

The Best Part of The Sims is Ruining Their Lives Beyond Repair

It Takes Two: A Co-Op Game, About Divorce

DHMIS in general:

Happy game is NOT A HAPPY GAME

Kirby and the Forgotten Land: A Horror Game in Disguise

Putting bonus stuff after the read more thingy bc this is already long enough

Saxophone:

Trombone Champ is way more than just a Trombone Game

Magnet:

I Made a Particle Accelerator Using Wooden Trains

File:

Using Catapult Physics To Solve Office Problems In Good Job

Hugo/Space man:

I Was Sponsored to Not End Humanity in Surviving Mars

Football:

The Mario Tennis Game where Luigi is Thanos

Using an Excessive Amount Of Force to Play Wii Sports

Money Man:

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[jackiesarch]

2, 9, 13, 28, 38, 46 for owiver

2. Describe them in five words.

Really. Really. Really. REALLY. Stupid.

Jokes aside — impulsive, passionate, lonely, angry, determined.

9. Have they ever committed a crime? Been to jail?

Yeah, the capital offense of “I’d rather seek attention from other women than have a vulnerable conversation with my wife”.

Other than that? Absolutely. He was a terrible teenager and a terrible young man, and he’d be lying if he said he’d never pocketed anything at a store just for the hell of it or vandalized someone’s property as a form of petty revenge. He’s slashed tires and broken windows and he’s without a doubt assaulted guys in bars for getting mouthy with him.

Lucky for him, he’s never been charged or done time for any of it. He can thank his grandpa for getting him out of some of those big ones.

13. What are their views on sex?

You know that gag where someone gets a form that asks for their sex and they write “yes” next to it? Yeah. That’s him.

Olly’s not under any kind of illusions when it comes to sex. He’s so far from a prude it’s funny, and he’s not particularly shy about it either. He loves sex, and he loves loving people who love sex, too. It’s awful.

28. The perfect gift to give them?

He really likes those “as seen on tv” products you can order from infomercials, even if he has no use for them. He just thinks they’re nifty. I like to imagine he and Lily have a drawer full of Slap Chops and Magic Bullets and other unnecessary crap.

Olly’s also a sucker for anyone cooking him a real meal, and he would kick my ass if I didn’t mention blowjobs. Like he deserves them.

38. Have they ever struggled with addiction?

I wouldn’t consider it a full blown addiction, but he definitely struggles with alcohol after Lily leaves him. There’s a good chunk of time during that period that he doesn’t really remember, mostly because he spent it either hanging off a bar stool or sprawled on his living room floor. It’s 100% his coping mechanism of choice so he doesn’t have to feel the soul-crushing loneliness and heartbreak threatening to break the surface. In reality, it just makes him more angry and more miserable, and it just leads to more bar fights and hangovers.

46. What's their worst quality?

Everything. Honestly, as much as I love him and cherish him, Olly’s an asshole, and he’s an asshole for a really long time. Before he gets therapy, there are a hundred and one terrible qualities that just about anyone could ream him out for, and after therapy, there’s probably still about seventy five.

That said, it’s his arrogance that probably serves him worst in life. Oliver spends most of his youth being an absolute dickhead that thinks he matters above everything else, and that that arrogance is justified. Spoiler alert: it’s not. He’s mean and he’s selfish, and it’s all a front to disguise the fact that he is hurt and lonely and looking for someone — anyone — to pay attention to him. As much as it kills him to admit it, his mother walking out and his father’s absentee parenting really messed him up, and it rears its ugly head in the worst possible ways. He’s a little bastard, and he’s cruel, and for so long he genuinely believes he’s entitled to be that way.

little shit.

[artsninspo]

Can you make an imagine about Jamie getting out of jail and all the emotions and excitement 😩 She’s waiting for him and he missed her a lot and in that scene with all his friends & Aaron she’s also there and everyone thinks they’re such couple goals even jaq🤣Then they go home and some smut 🤭❤️

REUNITED

Authors Note: This was a fun one to write, feel good fluff, family, friends and a happy couple. This one feels like summer love.

Pairing: Jamie (Topboy) X Reader

Word count: 3.8K

Warnings: Language, Smut

❤❤❤

You smile at the tailor as you take the measurements of the suit again to ensure it fits Jamie like a glove.

“He’s lucky to have you” the old man says looking over his glasses.

“He is” you agree seeing everything is perfect.

“If you need anything else, you come by. It’ll fit perfectly you have my word�� he assures and you nod.

“Thank you Lorenzo” you nod and he has one of his men, a younger man that looks like security, zip the suit into the bag. You fold the garment bag over your arm. It's been six long months since Jamie was taken into custody for a crime he didn't commit. It's been six months since you've seen him, felt him, touched him, laughed with him, argued with him, heard his voice. Getting into your car you hang the suit. It’s the least you can do. Checking your phone you check the time and head to the school to pick up Stef. It's also the least you can do. Being there for his brothers is as close as you can be to him at present. You arrived a little early and sent Stef a text understanding his blues lately. His nerves have been getting to him so you try to be around as much as possible.

You watch him walk out with his head down and a smile crosses his face as he sees your car. He checks his phone before running over and getting in.

“Y/N” he smiles and you do your handshake with him.

“How was school?” you ask.

“Good, but I’m worried about Jamie - do you think he’ll come home?” Stef asks.

“Yes, he's coming home” you affirm not allowing any other outcomes to creep into your consciousness. Stef looks unconvinced so you start the car up pointing to the garment bag.

“What's that?” he asks.

“A suit for Jamie to wear so he looks respectable, it should go a long way. To convince them that the man that takes care of his brothers is a good” you reason so Stef understands his brother isn’t who they’ve made him out to be.

“You think he’s gonna like his room?” Stef smiles and you do the same thinking of the hours the two of you put in searching for the perfect pieces and then the hours with him and Aaron putting together the new furniture. You’d managed to temper their sadness. It was time spent laughing, joking, reminiscing on good times with Jamie and planning for his release.

“He’s going to be upset at first, you know he loves his privacy but when that wears off I’m sure he’ll like it” you laugh.

“Did you get anything new you need help putting away?” Stef asks always willing to help.

“No but after the verdict tomorrow when they give a release date I’ll need your help preparing a welcome home meal” you wink and he beams.

“He’s gonna be so surprised my cooking is on fire now, chef Stef” he exclaims with animation.

“Pleasantly surprised” you tease pulling up at the house. You head up to his place and see Aaron and Kit having a conversation in the living room.

“Got his suit” you hold up the garment bag.

“I know, Lorenzo said you measured it twice and said every man needs a girl like you” Kit laughs.

“It’s all you'll let me contribute, so it has to be perfect” you shrug and Aaron scoffs. “Oh now you too, what's so funny?” you ask and his eyes meet yours.

“You picked up the suit and picked up Stef from school today?” he asks.

“Yeah?”

“And you took Friday off to clean, we redid his room and he doesn't need to go shopping for months - you do a lot!” Aaron reasons and you find yourself able to exhale.

“I’m just trying to help” you reason feeling useless.

“You are Y/N, here's another love note” Kit laughs, tossing you a white envelope you’ve come to look forward to. Your inability to hide your smile makes Kit and Aaron laugh at you but Stef has your back giving you a hug.

“You lot are goals still. Later Aaron, Stef, i'll be here at eight so we can go to trial” Kit says getting up to leave.

❤❤❤

Your heart beats out your chest as you scroll through your phone trying to make sure you’ve done everything on the comprehensive list. Jamie's flat has been cleaned from top to bottom, the fridge is stocked with his favourite foods, you and Stef will cook his favourite meal in an hour or two so it's fresh for when Kit gets back with him from the prison. Aaron has his phone on facetime discreetly as he sat in the court. You and Stef sat at the round kitchen table to listen, when the judge found him not guilty you and stef jumped up and down in an embrace laughing, screaming and eventually crying happy tears. That was a week ago, you don't understand how it could take the courts six days to free a man found not guilty but that's the judicial system. 

Your eyes go back to the list.

Wax

Lash fill

Mani Pedi

Groceries

Laundry

Dishes

Carwash & detailing

Hair appointment

Take Stef to the barber

Lingerie

Pack Jamie's release bag (clothes, underwear, cologne, jewellery)

Drop off Jamie’s release bag with Kit

Rearrange/Ready Jamie’s bathroom

Prep family dinner

Set the table with Stef

You drive back to the flat not feeling as at ease as you should after having a day of pampering and an impromptu yoga session to loosen you up after six long months. Stef opens the door before you can use your key.

“Come on! Aaron called they’re on their way. Jamie was released early” he shouts looking good with his fresh cut.

“Everything is ready. All we need to do is put it in the oven and cook it” you remind him.

“Remember you said you didn't want to smell like you’ve been cooking, we have an hour thirty to get it done and shower”  Stef says, your organisation having work off on him - you smile when you see the table is set and check it off your to do list. Dinner is prepared and ready in no time. You find yourself looking in the mirror at your reflection as a flurry of butterflies have a party in your stomach. Excited isn’t even close to describing how you feel. Running your lip gloss over your lips you pursue them together to make sure it's not too sticky. You spray Jamie's favourite fragrance all over yourself and reach for the bracelet he bought you to put it on. You run through your memory hoping not to have forgotten anything. Stepping out of the bathroom and into his room that has effectively become yours in his absence you stand in front of the mirror and hope he likes everything.

“Y/N, he’s five minutes away” Stef all but screeches bursting into the room.

“How do I look” you ask, turning around.  The outfit is simple.

“Beautiful, now come on” he shouts, moving with urgency, grabbing your hand and rushing you out of Jamie's room.

“Stef I need to put on my trainers” you laugh stopping to put them on before Stef yanks you out of the house. 

“Come on” he bounces impatiently as you lock up only for him to all but run to the lift before deciding to drag you down the stairs. You hear Papi’s Home by Drake playing and cheering and see Jamie smiling among his friends. It’s surreal and you pause as Stef makes a run for his brother. The impact knocks Jamie off balance slightly as the brothers share a meaningful moment. Seeing both of them happy warms your heart and you continue to the crowd. Stef, let's go first, then Jamie. His eyes look up searching for you smiling when you meet again. You feel your smile turning to a full beam as you speed walk into his arms. He smiles too, picking you up. You wrap your arms and legs around him over the moon.

It's sensory overload as you make note of the way he makes you feel and how much you've missed him. Your heart is full and you hold onto him tight never wanting to have to deal with being a part for so long ever again. You’re so in the moment that it's a while before you hear cheering. You laugh, kissing his cheek when you hear his friends hooting and hollering at your reunion. Jamie laughs too, setting you down. He plants a kiss on your neck as he’s passed a bottle of champagne to pop.

“I missed you so much” he says into your ear until the celebration begins to hush. You watch as Kit pushes Stef and Aaron behind him. Jamie catches the gesture too, turning as he pushes you behind him. You tense as a black car pulls up. Jaq gets out.

“Not now Jaq” You snap, stepping from around Jamie only for him to push you back behind him.

“Peace offering love. Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. Man like Jamie is a lucky one.” Jaq says, revealing the bottle. Jamie tenses not wanting to make peace with the people who betrayed him. But he steps forward to take the offering from Jaq. “She’s a good one blood, she’s a princess and knows I box. We went to secondary school together - she cussed me all the same. Didn’t know she knew words like that” Jaq shares quietly you can hear because youre the closest to her and Jamie nods smirking in spite of the hostility between them because of Dushanes actions.

“We’ll then let's not start her up” Jamie says, taking the bottle and standing his ground as Jaq heads into her car leaving only for the celebration to resume.

“You cussed Jaq” he asks once the festivities resume.

“Not quite cussing, more like telling the truth with a passionate delivery” you smile pretending to be innocent.

“And what if she hit you?” Jamie asks, going all protective. You smile rolling your eyes, not at all sorry.

“She was too shocked to swing” you smile and he hugs you again.

❤❤❤

Jamie looks around the spotless home as Stef shows him around their home talking a million miles a minute. He can't help but smile, he’s missed his younger brother. What can't be ignored is the femine touch. It's not overstated but it's a home again. He watches Stef go on about his newly configured room that you helped him redecorate. The change between what Kit told him and now we're worlds a part. It’s just one of the things he can't thank you enough for. The scent of his favourite meal brings him into the kitchen.

“You did this?” Jamie asks getting a plate to get a taste of something home cooked.

“Yeah, Y/N helped a little” Stef smiles sitting at the table.

“So how's school?”

“Jamie, everything is patterned. Y/N was on us like you are only she's nicer, she's more fun about it” Stef teases and Jamie smiles because it feels like old times.

“I’m glad you get along” Jamie tells his brother, taking one mouth watering bite.

“We do and we work well together too - I cant wait till you see your room” Stef beams and Jamie takes a few more mouthfuls. 

“Stef I know it was hard while I was gone and I’m sorry about how it happened”

“Me too” Steph rasps hugging his brother. “Y/N said to enjoy the moments and make memories and only dwell on the good parts of the past”  Stef shares, reminding of another reason to love you.

Jamie returns to the festivities noticing everyone enjoying themselves and getting along. Numbers from his crew look good and he can't help but notice the relief in their expression now that he’s back to sort things out. His time in jail had been hard on him for a multitude of reasons. It wasn't just him doing time but so was everyone he loved and who loved him. The guilt was a little unbearable at first. Kit had been checking in on you and Stef and Aaron and none of you were any good at pretending to be alright. Those calls the first two weeks had been brutal. It felt like everything he did was for nothing - Aaron was livid and Stef was traumatised, scared and lonely. Aside from Kit you were the only person that believed him instantly. You knew he’d never be careless enough to endanger his brothers. Kit had told you how things were going and it took some time but slowly you did your best to undo the slump Stef and Aaron were in. The three of you were able to be there for eachother, lean on each other and uplift one another through hard times.

Swallowing Jamie is overwhelmed with gratitude at the state of his affairs being in order. Business had not suffered too much, more importantly neither did family. Everyone is getting on fine, smoking and drinking, and Jamie finds you stacking up discarded cups with Aaron. Heading over Aaron looks up first smiling at his brother before you notice Jamie. He gives your temple a kiss holding an arm around you.

“Apparently you're supposed to show me my room” Jamie says.

“Stef was able not to?” you ask, turning to Aaron in surprise.

Jamie smiles “He showed me everything else, you lot did a good job cleaning up the house” 

“Thanks, Y/N Kept us on track. Y/N why don’t you go show him his room - I got this” Aaron offers.

“Come on” You smile while taking Jamie's hand. He follows as you leave the room for entertaining and head to the stairwell to head to his flat. You barely make it to the secluded area before Jamie takes your chin kissing you. It's loving and needy and meaningful. The passion in it is strong and it takes you a little off guard as you settle into it, the hairs on the back of your neck stand up and you feel your nipples get hard. Jamie pulls away first and your chest heaves. You're short of breath and overwhelmed by emotion.

“I love you babe, I love you and I’m sorry for not being here” he apologises in earnest but this situation isn't something you hold against him.

“I love you too” you admit with a smile. You feel butterflies and close your eyes as you shake your head in disbelief.

“What?” Jamie asks.

“It just feels so good to be able to say it to you and not write it” you admit.

“You have no idea” Jamie swallows, not knowing where to begin showing his appreciation. You make it to his door and unlock it. You stand behind him covering his eyes  as he pushes the door open.

“Okay on the count of three, open your eyes” you explain. “One, two thre-” your countdown is interrupted by Jamie who turns around picking you up. You gasp.

“Y/N, babe, I dont give a flying fuck about this room right now. I care about the woman in my arms. I’d like to admire you first”  he says holding you and you wrap your legs around his waist. 

“Jamie” you moan as he kisses your neck laying you onto the bed. “Everyone’s downstairs for you” you reason, trying to be rational. Jamie's lips drag against your neck as his hands push up your shirt. His fingers run over the lace of your unlined bra feeling your pebbled nipples. You curse yourself for not wearing a dress for easier access as you reach for his waistband.

“No no” he says stepping forward and your hand slides up his shirt feeling more defined abs than before he left. He pushes you further onto the bed to unbutton your jeans. You watch his eyes wash over your nearly bare bottom half. He licks his lips still dedicated to your pleasure before his own. Opening your legs he smiles seeing your panties are crotchless.

“For me?’ he asks but a nod is all you can manage, hot, bothered and nearly over the edge. His lips find yours and this kiss is intoxicating, the passion is white hot. Jamie's hand finds your centre massaging the sensitive areas. There’s no withholding your moans, you don't even try. Your hands reach for his waistband again and you find his manhood rock hard. You break the kiss momentarily as you free him from his boxers and stroke his length. You’ve missed it. You smile, pecking his lips.

“I need to be inside you right now” he groans, strained.

“I need you inside me” You beg in response and there's a flash in his eyes. He gets off the bed heading to his dresser to get a condom. Once it's on he comes back leaning down to french kiss your centre for a few moments before getting back on the bed. You move in unison scooting up so your back and neck are on the pillow comfortably as he hovers over you. Your eyes are locked on each other as he enters you slowly. Both of your eyes narrow until they close from the overwhelming sensation. It’s ecstasy, every inch as your bodies acclimate. You feel your body responding to his length as your arousal builds. Your eyes open at the same time he smiles, beginning to give you languid strokes. Your breathing shallows at the sensation, at the intimacy. You watch him, watch the love in his eyes. It's unmistakable and your heart swells feeling the exact same way. Missionary is for love making, this can't be mistaken for anything else.

“Fuck” he whispers picking up the pace and your head cranes back, legs opening more to give him better access. Somehow his strokes grow deeper, the determination in his expression intensifies.

“Jamie, I love you” you mutter nearly delirious.

“Fuck” he groans closing his eyes as he tries to last but his passion only brings you closer to the edge. You can feel your body begin to overheat as your walls clench against him.

“Faster” you moan as he curses under his breath. His head bows as he works his way to a faster rhythm. You feel him hitting your spot, each stroke sends ripples of pleasure all over. You moan again, closing your eyes as you feel him shudder. His chain swings and you take hold of it pulling him in closer.

“Babe” he breathes hushes as his forehead falls on yours. Your lips find each other and you switch positions. On top you lean down to kiss him, you smile seeing lust swimming in his eyes as you begin to ride him only partly naked. Still, his eyes are full of want. His hand free’s your breast from the cup of your bra as you move your hips slow taking him deep the way he likes. He sits up and kisses your tit as he holds your hips stroking into you as he matches your rhythm. 

“Yes” you whimper and you both move at a feverishly, coming hard and fast, your body buzzing from the familiar feeling. Jamie pulls you even closer and you hold each other sitting in his lap, the lotus position. He stays hard and you clench around him feeling the last waves of your climax. The kiss that follows is like the first passionate and loving. You smile pulling away as your chest heaves from lack of oxygen. You hug him tight, needing to be close to him.

“I needed that” you confess, taking in how it feels to be with him again. Jamie plants a kiss on your shoulder. “I need you here, home with us” you specify.

“I know, I’m not going anywhere.” he promises as you let go to look into his eyes. It's impossible not to smile at your new reality. He’s free. You put your tits back into your bra and bull down your shirt.

“What are you doing?” Jamie questions.

“You have people who want to celebrate downstairs,” you remind me.

“There’s nothing but lads in jail, I’m still hard can't you feel it?” he asks and there’s no ignoring how he fills you. 

“Jamie” you laugh getting up only to feel a little empty. “Tell them goodbye, have dinner with your brothers and I then we can go at it until we pass out tomorrow while Aaron and Stef are at school” you tell him heading to the bathroom to wash up.

“Nah, fuck that - youre gonna have to be quiet tonight. You think I can wait till they’re at school?” Jamie asks behind you. You wipe yourself off, washing up and he does the same. You wash your hands and find him watching you in the mirror.

“What?’ you blush and he  stands behind you so youre body to body again.

“Aaron said you were here all the time so where are your things?” He asks, looking around the sink. 

“I put them up, I know how you are about your space.” you explain.

“Babe, our space” he clarifies. He gets on a pair of boxers before looking around at his new room. “Shit” he gasps as you pull your jeans back on. Perks of a quickie, it's all the clothes you're missing.

“You like it?” you ask as he starts taking in the details. The furniture is all black now, matching. The blue accent wall remains and so do the photos of his parents; only the frames are silver to match the accent of metallics.

“I love it” he smiles, pecking your lips.

“Good” you blush, handing him his pants. Looking yourself over in the mirror of his dresser your afterglow is unmistakable. You reapply your lipgloss and take Jamie's hand as he’s ready to return to his people. It's quieter now as you get to the bottom of the stairs. You reenter to know looks, people smile but its Sy sho shouts clapping. You laugh first, maintaining a poker face isn't your strong suit.

“Why are they cheering?” you hear Stef ask and laugh as Aaron shrugs pretending to be oblivious.

“Alright, alright” Jamie hushes them as he grabs a bottle. “I love you lot, I appreciate how all of you stepped up to take care of each other and keep everything smooth while I was away. Thank you” he addresses. He gets responses of affirmation telling him there's no need for thanks and that they’ll always be there for him.

“Always bruv” Kit smiles and they do a handshake.

“You lot can stay and drink, but I’ve got to go have family time” He says with an arm around you. It's goodbye and he turns. It's Stef, Aaron, yourself and Kit. Everyone gets a plate and conversation flows, Stef goes on like a chatterbox. It's wholesome and heartwarming - so is the way Jamie keeps stealing glances at you. You find yourself relaxing for the first time in six months.

Jamie’s home.

❤❤❤

Hope you all enjoyed this one 😘

Like, Reblog, Comment - talk to me 💖

[ithoughtitwasobvious]

I Will Know You Forever

Rating: Explicit! (18+ Mature Readers Only) 

Pairing: Boba Fett x Female Reader 

Warnings: Unprotected Sex (wrap it before you tap it y’all), brief angst, brief allusions to death/violence. 

Words: 3.3k 

Summary: You're an ex-mercenary who was invited to join Boba Fett's new criminal empire. As you get to know the older bounty hunter, your feelings for him begin to develop beyond the point of simple camaraderie or friendship. You never expected to go to bed with the man, much less fall for him, and yet here you are, now in a serious relationship. After being together for quite some time, you and Boba make the surprising decision to get married. You never thought the infamous Boba Fett would be the marrying kind, however he always has a way of proving you wrong.  

Tags: Boba Fett x Female Ex-Mercenary! Reader, Post-Sarlacc Boba, Established Relationship, Smut, PIV Sex, Making out, Age-gap if you squint, Wedding vows, Marriage, Soft Porn With Feelings, Mandalorian Wedding Traditions, Boba Speaks Mando’a, Boba Fett is perfect soft husband material and no one can tell me differently! 

Note: Mando’a translations: Meshla- beautiful Gedet'ye- please Gar serim- That's it Ori'jate- very good Ni kar'tayl gar darasuum, ner riduur- I love you, my wife/husband/spouse      

Read on AO3                           

“Finally,” you breathed a sigh of relief to yourself as you closed down your data pad. You had spent the better part of your day conducting inventory down in the shipping dock of the palace. Over time, you had taken over most of the book-keeping and administrative duties that came along with running an underground crime empire. Most of those responsibilities centered around tracking the movements of funds and, of course, keeping counts of all of the various goods that needed to be constantly stocked within the palace walls.  

You had been trying to get ahead of yourself a bit by conducting your quarterly inventory a few weeks early. You were typically prompt with your counts, but this time was intentionally early because you and Boba would soon be going off world for a few rotations. Typically, an excursion like this would be taken to collect payment for a contract or to meet with allies. However this time was different. This time, you and Boba would be traveling off world to be married. 

You truly thought that you would never see the day when you and Boba would tie yourselves to one another in any official kind of way. The connection that you two shared had been strong from the day you met, and had only grown stronger over time. In many ways, you already acted as though you were a married couple. You lived together, slept together, cooked meals together, shared your deepest thoughts and feelings with one another shrouded by the darkness of your bedroom. Any other partners had quickly fallen by the way side once you’d become enthralled with one another. You acted as a largely typical couple, excluding the fact that you were an ex mercenary and he was the undisputed king of the Tatooine criminal underworld. 

Still you never expected your relationship with the notorious bounty hunter to ever turn into a marriage. Boba had always been slow to trust and, at one point in his life, completely opposed to any kind of a committed relationship with another person. However age and his brush with near death in the sarlacc pit had caused some of his priorities to shift. He found himself for the first time in his life slowing down and making plans for the future rather than traversing the galaxy in the Slave I, bouncing from job to job without a moment to breathe.  

Before meeting Boba, you had been of a similar mindset. You were a young mercenary with a dark past killing for a living because it was all you knew. Much of your life had been spent on your own, laying in the dark on your ship at night wondering if this was all that you would ever be; a trained warrior with no war to fight, a hired gun doomed to a life in the shadows. Then Fennec contacted you to come join Boba Fett’s budding criminal empire, and your world was flipped upside down. For once in your life you weren’t being paid to end lives. Boba’s rule was firm, but was based on respect rather than fear. He sought to form relationships with his rivals and to bring them into his fold as opposed to annihilating anyone who could be perceived as a threat to him. You admired Boba, and as you continued to work closely alongside him and Fennec, you found that your admiration for the older bounty hunter was quickly growing into something more.  

You smiled wistfully to yourself as you placed your data pad on its charging port and exited the shipping dock. You began to walk the familiar path through the halls back to your living quarters on the other side of the palace. This was your favorite time of the day, when the palace was silent other than the occasional whirring of a maintenance droid, or the scuffling of a mouse on the tile floor. Coupled with the cool air of desert night, it was a far cry from the loud, bustling, scorching hot environment that was Mos Espa during the day. You finally caught sight of the hallway that led to your personal rooms. However before you could enter, you were intercepted by the other occupant of your chambers heading in the opposite direction.  

“There you are,” Boba greeted you as he came to a stop in the doorway. “I was just coming to look for you.” Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion as you glanced down at the chrono on your communicator.  

“I’m not that late am I?” Boba hardly ever came looking for you at the end of the day, apart from the few occasions where you got so engrossed in your work that you lost track of time. 

“No, you’re not princess,” He assured you with an amused chuckle. “I only needed to talk to you.”  

“Well, can you talk to me in the fresher? I’m tired and would like to get ready for bed.” You made a move to step around him so you could walk the rest of the way to your quarters, however he clasped his large hands over your shoulders to prevent you from doing so. 

“Actually, no princess. That’s the whole purpose of my needing to talk to you.” Your head cocked to the side in confusion as you stared back at him. 

“You need to come with me to the landing platform. We are leaving tonight.” At first you didn’t catch onto what he was saying. 

“Leaving? Where?” As soon as the words were out of your mouth, it hit you. Your eyebrows rose up toward your hairline as you stared back at him in wide-eyed surprise.  

“But.. we weren’t supposed to leave until tomorrow,” You stammered out, your tired brain working over time to try to make sense of what you’d just heard. “I haven’t even packed yet!  And Fennec isn’t supposed to be back from that meeting to take over the throne until the morning!” 

Boba smiled softly at your worrying, reaching a hand up from your shoulder to gently caress the side of your face. “Our bags are already packed and waiting for us on the ship,” He explained gently. “Fennec came back early from her meeting before the suns went down. I’ve already briefed her. She’s ready to take over.” You sighed and shook your head.  

“You know if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you seem almost eager to marry me Fett.” You teased him with a smirk. He huffed at your antics while taking a hold of your chin between his thumb and forefinger. 

“Don’t push your luck before we’re even off the planet’s surface, little one.” You rolled your eyes before turning your back on him to begin walking toward the landing platform.  

“Well, let’s go,” You called over your shoulder. “We better get into the atmosphere with the autopilot on before it’s past your bedtime, old man.” A few of his much longer strides caught him up to you in seconds. Before you could turn to look at him, you yelped as he landed a firm swat to your backside. Your surprise quickly devolved into giggles as he took your hand and led you out onto the platform and aboard the awaiting Slave I. 

                                                              ******* 

After a few hours of hurtling through hyperspace, most of which you’d spent napping in Boba’s bunk, you arrived at your destination. When you had first discussed making these arrangements, Boba had insisted that he had the perfect location in mind. Now that you were experiencing it firsthand, you fully understood what he meant. The planet was set far off into the outer rim and mostly uninhabited, from what Boba told you. He said he’d stumbled upon it during his younger years when he had needed a place to hide out for awhile.  

The landscape was one of the most beautiful that you’d ever seen. The majority of the planet’s surface was covered in sprawling mountain ranges. Snow-capped peaks and lush greenery stretched out as far as the eye could see. The air was crisp and the temperature dipped just low enough at night for you to be able to see your breath. The villa that you were staying in was just as impressive. It was a wooden and stone structure neatly tucked away between a couple of lower mountain tops that overlooked a valley. The getaway had been maintained by a small arsenal of droids, ensuring that you and Boba would be completely alone and away from any prying eyes. The stillness was a welcome reprieve from the criminal underworld of Tatooine. It was thrilling to finally get a substantial amount of time in just each other’s company; even more so when you considered the purpose for your impromptu vacation.  

The majority of your first day was spent unpacking your bags and admiring your accommodations. As the sun slowly dipped below the slopes on the horizon, you perched yourself on a chair in the kitchen and nursed a glass of wine while Boba cooked you both dinner and recounted some light-hearted stories from his days as a younger bounty hunter. Most of these tales revolved around the strange places that he’d seen and the odd beings that he’d encountered. You laughed and nodded along, offering up simple comments and quips where you could. Truthfully, you could listen to him talk like this for hours. His voice was almost hypnotic in the way that it floated over his words. He was able to entrance and relax you while simultaneously keeping you on the edge of your seat, fascinated and desperately wanting to know more. He was a born storyteller in that way, and you wondered if the skill was inherently his own or something that he’d picked up from someone along the way. 

Once dinner had been eaten and cleared away, you found yourself sitting on the edge of your large bed, gazing out at the landscape through the large glass doors that led out onto your balcony. A light flurry had begun to fall, the flakes leaving a glittering layer of white overtop all that they touched. You sighed as you wrapped the dark green silk of your robe subconsciously tighter around your body.  

“Are you cold princess?” You tore your gaze away from the window to look over your shoulder just in time to see Boba enter your bedroom from the adjoining bathroom. His soft sleep pants were slung low on his hips, and you could still see the steam from the shower rising off of the bare skin of chest. You shook your head. 

“No I’m not. And even if I was, I think you’re coming to warm me up anyways.” He smiled softly, though there was something dancing in his eyes that you couldn’t identify. 

“Something like that,” His voice trailed off slightly on the end as he sat before you on the middle of the bed. Your knees brushed against his when you turned your body to face him. His large, calloused hands engulfed your own as his expression, though still warm, turned into something more serious. 

“Are you ready little one?” There was a moment of silence as your brain deduced exactly what he was asking. When the realization struck, your eyes widened as you stared back at him. 

“Right now!?” Boba chuckled softly at your reaction. 

“Yes, right now. I told you, Mandalorian weddings are simply saying vows to one another. No ceremonies, no parties, no frills. Just you and me.”  You anxiously gnawed at your lower lip, your gaze flickering back and forth from his face to where you were twining and untwining your hands in your lap. 

“Unless, you aren’t ready yet,” Boba amended softly. You sighed and shook your head. 

“No, I’m ready to marry you Boba. I wouldn’t have agreed to this trip if I wasn’t.” You paused, trying to swallow the emotions threatening to bubble up your throat.  

“It’s just… are you sure? I know that this is difficult for you, and that I’m the one who initially brought up the marriage conversation … I just don’t want you to have to make a commitment that you’re uncomfortable with all because of me and end up resenting me or…”  

Boba spoke your name then, cutting off your insecure rambling by grasping your chin and forcing you to once again meet his gaze.  

“I never say anything that I don’t mean,” He began quietly. “A lot has changed for me since I was left for dead on the dune sea. I have had to carve out a path for myself where there previously was none. My father raised me to never rely on anyone… but I am now older than my father ever was,” He paused, releasing a long sigh as his hand left your chin in favor of caressing the side of your face. “It is time for me to once again carve out a new path for myself. I want to marry you, little one. More than I have ever wanted anything in my entire life.” A few rogue tears spilled over your lashes, but Boba was there to wipe them away. Your expression broke into a wide grin as you turned your head to press an affectionate kiss to his palm.  

“I want to marry you too Boba, so much.” He smiled back at you as he once again took your hands in his. 

“Then repeat after me.” He leaned forward to press his forehead against yours, his eyes closing as you did the same. 

"We are one when together, we are one when parted, we will share all, we will raise warriors.” You swallowed and took a deep breath, willing your emotions to not overcome you.  

“We are one when together, we are one when parted, we will share all, we will raise warriors.” Before either of you backed away, Boba breathed deep and spoke again. 

“Mhi solus tome, mhi solus dar'tome, mhi me'dinui an, mhi ba'juri verde.” The way that Boba’s voice lilted over the words in his native tongue had you captivated. You had never known any connection to the force, but in that moment you swore that you could feel whatever energies made up you and Boba combining into one.  When you opened your eyes, you found that he was already looking down at you. You could feel the static in the air crackle and ignite between you, the headiness weighing you down but also pushing you forward. Your limbs began moving of their own volition as you climbed into his lap. You didn’t even wait for his next move before taking the sides of his face between both of your hands and pulling him in until his lips met yours.  

The embrace spurred Boba into action as he groaned and immediately deepened the kiss, his tongue sliding easily into your mouth. Before you could fully comprehend what was happening he had already torn apart the knot on your robe, ripping the offending fabric away from your body and throwing it onto the floor. His sleep pants somehow slid off his hips, finding their place on the floor just as quickly. It was as if he couldn’t touch enough of you fast enough. His hands were everywhere, smoothing down your back, digging into the meat of your hips, grasping onto your waist and thighs. All the while his hips were grinding against yours in a steady rhythm, causing you to gasp and moan into his mouth. You could feel your wetness begin to seep down your inner thighs, and you knew he could feel it too from the way he groaned and lifted his hips to slide his cock against your folds. 

“Meshla,” He breathed the word reverently against the delicate skin of your neck. “Gedet’ye.” Even though you didn’t fully understand, you nodded just the same. You could feel Boba’s strong fingers digging into your sides as he lifted you further up above him. Your own hands instinctually flew to his shoulders, holding yourself steady as he lowered you down onto his cock.  

You whined high in the back of your throat as he filled you, eyes squeezing shut when he began to guide your hips up and down at a steady pace. You tried to move in sync with his hands and the small undulations of his hips, yet you found yourself quickly becoming overwhelmed, both with the pleasure and the overall implications of the moment. You were tying yourself to Boba, not just physically but spiritually and emotionally. It felt as though your heart was laying bare before him, like he could see all the colors of your soul.  

With the way that Boba was staring at you, you might believe that to be true. He gazed at you like you were a goddess, something to be worshipped. He mouthed at the skin of your chest and collarbones, singing your praises like a prayer into glistening, sweat-slicked skin. 

“Gar serim, meshla. Ori’jate.” You moaned desperately, brow pinching together as your nails raked down his back. The heat in your gut was building hard and fast, licking up your spine and sending chills across your skin.  

“Boba please please …” You cried out, unsure of exactly what you were begging for. He readjusted his hips to push himself impossibly deeper before picking up the pace, one of his hands leaving your hip to take hold of your chin.   

“Look at me little one,” He ordered you gently. “Look at your riduur while you cum.” The second that you opened your eyes you knew you were done for. Looking at Boba was like gazing into the twin suns, it was all too much and brought the full weight of the moment crashing down upon you once again. A fresh wave of tears slid down your cheeks as you reached your end. Boba’s arms wrapped around you to hold you to his chest as you shook with the force of your climax. Your cries were muffled where you buried your face into the crook of his shoulder as you allowed the overwhelming tide of pleasure to consume you. You could vaguely make out the rumble of a groan dislodging itself from somewhere deep in Boba’s chest as he came, the sensation of his release painting your walls sending another shiver down your spine.  

You stayed that way for a moment, breathing heavily, coming down from your highs, holding onto each other as though if you were liable to disappear. You hadn’t even realized that you’d been saying Boba’s name until his large hand came up to the back of your head to stroke your hair. 

“Shh little one, it’s alright,” He soothed you. “I know, I’m right here.” Your inhale was shaky as you peeled yourself away from his chest to sit upright in his lap. You could feel him slowly softening inside you as your hips shifted. His hands never left your back, caressing slow circles into your dampened skin. His expression was softer, probably the softest you’d ever seen as he stared at you like you were the entire universe itself. You gave him a watery smile, eyes still glistening in the low light of your bedroom.  

“That was something else,” you mused. “Is that why mandalorians don’t do the whole ‘public wedding ceremony’ thing?” Boba chuckled quietly.  

“I don’t believe that was the intention,” He joked. “Though convenient, nonetheless.” Your heart swelled in your chest as you gazed down at the man before you, your hand moving to delicately cup his cheek.  

“In case the sex didn’t communicate it properly,” you began, the teasing tone of your voice faltering to something more serious. “I love you Boba, my husband. So much.” He smiled at you then, a genuine smile that sought to hide absolutely nothing as he leaned forward to bring his forehead against yours once more. 

“Ni kar'tayl gar darasuum, ner riduur.” He was so close that his lips brushed against your own with each word as he professed his love for you. You sighed happily, feeling the most at peace that you’d ever felt in your entire life as you brought him in for another passionate kiss, intent on celebrating your wedding a few more times that night. 

[the-iceni-bitch]

A Wolf in the Castle

Pairing: Charles Blackwood x fem!Reader

Words: 4110

Summary: You arrive at Blackwood Manor to find an unexpected visitor disrupting the sensitive ecosystem of the small family.

Warnings: Explicit language, explicit sexual content (oral sex (f receiving), fingering unprotected vaginal sex), very minor violence (brief mention of blood), mention of committing crimes, SMUT, 18+ ONLY!

A/N: I’ve been binging a bunch of Seb Stan movies over the past few days as I finish my week off, and Charles Blackwood kind of struck me. I really enjoyed this fic and hope you do too!

Will reblog later with tags (join my taglist here!)

not my gif

Alright, what the hell? You thought to yourself as you pulled up to Blackwood manor.

There was a strange red convertible in the driveway. Constance and Merricat never had visitors aside from the Clarkes and you. You frowned to yourself as you climbed out of your sedan, picking up the books and flowers from the passenger seat as you went to knock on the front door.

Constance greeted you with one of her beaming smiles that always managed to break your heart a bit.

“Y/N, it’s so good to see you! I know Merricat has been looking forward to you coming to visit. You’ll have to excuse us, our cousin Charles has come to stay with us unexpectedly, so we didn’t have enough time to prepare a room for you.”

“Constance, you don’t need to apologize!” You chided as you followed her into the receiving room. “You’re certain this visit won’t be a strain, now that you have another houseguest?”

“Oh, nonsense! Merricat would never forgive me if I sent you away! I see you brought her some new books. And are those lilies?”

“Lilies, cherry blossoms, and lilacs. I remembered they’re your favorites!” You gave her a warm smile as you handed her the bouquet and set the books on one of the end tables.

“Thank you so much! Oh! Y/N, this is our cousin, Charles Blackwood! Charles, this is Merricat’s tutor, and our very good friend, Y/N.”

You extended your hand to the man who had just entered the receiving room and he pressed his lips to your knuckles with a charming smile. His blue eyes took you in as he leaned back against the rear of the couch. You were a stark contrast to Constance’s proper and domestic appearance. You were wearing a pair of tight white capris and a gingham blouse that you had tied in a knot just above the waistline of your pants.

You gave him an appraising look of your own. He was relaxed in a cream linen suit. His soft chestnut waves slicked back from his face as he gave you a smirk. He had an air of easy allure about him that made you uneasy. 

You didn’t trust him a bit.

“So nice to meet you, Charles.” You murmured as he stared at you.

“Y/N!” Merricat came tearing into the receiving room and leapt on you, wrapping her arms around you in a desperate embrace and making you laugh. “Oh, I’ve missed you so much!”

“Mary, you’re being incredibly inappropriate.” Charles was no longer smiling as he watched your young student chatter at you giddily, her hands and knees smudged with dirt from the garden.

“Please, it’s fine.” You grinned at him as Merricat shot him a poisonous glare over her shoulder. “I’ve brought you some new books Merricat, ‘Transcendental Magic’ and several encyclopedias of poisonous plants of the United States and Canada.”

“Oh, thank you!” Merricat ran her fingers over the book covers lovingly when you handed them to her. “Will you join me in the woods to look for some of these?”

“Dear girl, I would love to. But first I need to bring in my suitcases and unpack.” Constance was still beaming between the two of you as her sister opened the book on magic and started to read. Charles looked incredibly disapproving though, and that made you smile for some reason. “I think it’s a little too late for us to venture out tonight anyways, so why don’t you help me bring in the rest of my things, and tomorrow we can make a whole day of it! We’ll bring a picnic and everything!”

Merricat grinned at you before she ran off to put away her new treasures, taking the steps two at a time.

“You shouldn’t encourage the girl.” Charles mumbled under his breath, scowling at you.

“I think it’s lovely how Merricat light’s up whenever Y/N is here.” Constance started to say, but her words died off and her smile took on a certain strain as Charles turned his disapproving gaze to her.

“Exactly what harm is she doing?” You asked, turning to the man with a tired expression. “The girl is exceptionally bright, and I refuse to stifle her. She could be turning that energy into something far more destructive if she isn’t given a proper outlet.” You murmured, shooting a knowing glance at Constance.

“Very well.” He grumbled. “Just make sure she’s washed up for dinner. Constance has made us a lovely meal, I won’t have the girl spoiling it.”

You considered questioning Constance about her cousin once he left to work his way up to his room, but she just gave you another smile and turned to head to the kitchen and finish her preparations. Merricat came bursting through the front door then, looking slightly comical as she tried to maneuver your two cases at once. You hurried to assist her and the two of you headed up to the guest room.

Once you reached the guest room, the two of you set to unpacking your things.

“When did your cousin arrive, Merricat?” You asked as you hung up some of your dresses and she arranged your makeup and perfumes on the vanity.

You saw her shoulders tense when you mentioned Charles. Jonas had followed the two of you and was winding his way through Merricat’s legs. She picked him up and held him close to her chest.

“He came here unbidden and is most unwelcome.” She whispered harshly as she avoided making eye contact with you. “I believe he is making Uncle Julian sicker, and he intends to take Constance from me.”

You stood up to embrace the girl, hoping to soothe her. You smoothed your hands over her hair as she buried her face in your chest.

“Dear girl. Are you sure about these things?” She was incredibly overprotective of her remaining family members, but you couldn’t deny the man made you uncomfortable too.

She just nodded into your shoulder.

“Well, we’ll just have to do our best to make sure he leaves then, won’t we?” You tipped her chin up to face you and she gave a small smile of relief. “Now, I’m going to take a bath before dinner, you should get cleaned up as well. We don’t want to arouse any suspicions.”

She gave you a serious nod and scurried off to her room as you went to run yourself a bath. You chewed the inside of your cheek nervously as you began to undress, considering the best way to go forward.

You joined the family downstairs an hour later, and again felt Charles’ eyes lock onto you. He was considering the differences between you and Constance, once more. Constance had changed into a lovely pale blue chiffon dress for the meal, while you had again chosen an outfit that could well be considered scandalous; a long-sleeved black satin cape-cod sheath that hugged you tightly. He was leering at you over his glass of wine as you entered the dining room.

You heard Merricat hiss when she pushed her Uncle Julian into the room, and deduced that her cousin was wearing one of her father’s suits. He had also placed himself at the head of the table. You gave a heavy sigh as you took your seat across from Constance, in between Charles and Julian. You gave the girls’ uncle a smile and polite greeting as Constance poured you a glass of wine.

“This looks wonderful as always, Constance.” You tipped your glass to her and gave her a small smile of appreciation before raising it to your lips. The poor woman was doing her best to ignore the excessive tension in the room, beaming at everyone seated around the table.

“I’m so glad you like it, Y/N. I made sure to make you some green beans amandine, I remembered that it’s your favorite.”

“It is, it’s so sweet that you remembered.” You praised her, sending her into a fit of tittering. “So, Julian, how are the memoirs coming?”

You smirked into your drink as the man started going on about the night of the murders. You could sense Charles tense up once he started talking and turned your head just enough to catch a glimpse of the muscles in his jaw tense up as he took a swig of wine.

“That’s enough.” He seethed, slamming his glass back down on the table and taking a deep breath to recenter himself. His smile had a certain strain to it when he lifted his head again. “Let’s talk about happier things.”

“Oh, of course.” You murmured. “Merricat, how are your studies going?”

You saw his knuckles grow white as he gripped the edge of the table.

“Oh, I’ve learned six new spells since I last saw you, the first…”

“No.” He looked at you frustratedly as you threw a wink to Merricat, making her giggle. “How about we just, enjoy our meal, hmm?”

You shrugged at him and took another sip of wine before tucking into your dinner. Constance was such a wonderful cook, it was easy to lose yourself in the food. Everyone had a clean plate before long, and you stood to help Constance and Merricat clear the table.

“No, Y/N, you’re our guest, I don’t want you doing any work during your visit with us. It wouldn’t feel right.” Constance scolded you. “Please go join Charles and Julian in the lounge for some after-dinner drinks, oh, and maybe some dancing later, wouldn’t that be lovely?”

“That does sound lovely.” You turned to walk to the lounge but when you arrived, only Charles was there, pouring himself a glass of sherry. “Where’s Julian?”

“Julian decided to turn in for the night.” He told you as he focused on pouring his drink. “Did you want a sherry?”

“Yes, please.” He handed you a small glass and you took a sip, giving a hum of appreciation when the sweet liquor hit your tongue. “Constance is such a wonderful cook, isn’t she?”

“Yeah, Connie’s great.” He chuckled, turning to face you. You felt your hackles rising as he leered at you, his eyes roaming over your body with no reservations as he gave you a wolfish grin. “So what’s your story sweetheart?”

You narrowed your eyes at him but Constance chose that moment to enter the study, and he put up his charming façade again.

“My goodness, I didn’t realize how late it was.” She said, grinning at the two of you. “Will you think any less of me if I retire early? I feel like such a bad hostess.”

“Constance, please.” You gave her a soft look of reproach. “You need to take care of yourself, darling. Please rest, I’m sure Charles and I can find some way to entertain ourselves.”

“Yeah, go to bed, Connie.” Charles gave her a grin as he moved to refill his drink.

You shifted yourself as Constance turned to go, moving towards the desk slowly as you listened to her footsteps going up the stairs. You shifted a letter opener under your palm as you leaned back, waiting to hear the click of Constance’s bedroom door before you started talking again. You heard the click and turned to face Charles, tossing back all of your drink as a look of malice came over your face.

“Alright asshole, what’s your fucking game?” You seethed at Blackwood, sneering at the look of surprise that came over his face.

“Excuse me?” His accent slipped as he tried to recover, and you knew you had him.

“You come in here, zero prep, and manage to raise the hackles of these morons in what, a week?” You were furious, this man must be some kind of special idiot. “I’ve been working these fools for 2 years, asshole, I swear to god, if you ruin this for me…”

“Listen, bitch, I didn’t realize someone was already latched onto this teat.” You could tell he was pissed now, too, but you didn’t care. “But maybe, the fact that you haven’t gotten anywhere in 2 years means this just isn’t for you. I’ll do you a favor and cut you in for 10 percent once I get access to the safe.”

“The safe?” You covered your mouth so that your laughter wouldn’t carry. “You idiot. No wonder that stupid fucking kid is so worked up. You’re working a short-con on them? This is not going to go your way.” You were shaking with mirth.

He growled and slammed his glass on the bar cart, jostling the bottles dangerously. He was snarling as he closed the distance between you and wrapped a hand around your throat, pressing himself into you so hard the desk rattled. You brought up the letter opener and pressed it against his neck in warning, making him hiss.

The two of you stilled when you heard footsteps above you. You just stared at each other, panting heavily as you waited. The footsteps stopped suddenly, and you sighed in relief as you heard the creak of Constance finally climbing into bed.

“Listen dumbass,” You whispered at him, digging the blade into his neck to accentuate your point. “This is my score. I actually did my research, I ingrained myself to that brat, I fucked the damn simpleton, you think you can just waltz in here with that shit-eating grin and take it all away from me, you are very mistaken.”

He snorted at you, “Jesus, why would you fuck Julian?” he had slotted one of his knees between your thighs and started to edge up the hem of your skirt as he moved even closer to you.

“What?” You were doing your best to ignore the way your body was reacting to being in such close proximity to him. “No, the other simpleton, Connie. What, you haven’t?”

The look of surprise on his face was satisfying and annoying at the same time. You rolled your eyes as he released your throat and gave you an appreciative look.

“Well, fuck, sweetheart. You’re full of surprises.”

“Yeah, right.” You were tired of this. “Alright. We’re both to far into this now for either one to back out without arousing any suspicion. So, we’ll split it.” You pressed the letter opener into his neck when he scoffed at you. “Or, I could just cut your throat now, tell those two gals you assaulted me, and keep it all to myself. Which would you prefer?” You cocked an eyebrow at him.

“Fine.” He spat at you. You had the upper hand for now, but he could find a way to get rid of you eventually, he was sure. His face split in a grin suddenly. “Y’know, we should consummate our little agreement in some way. Make it official.” He moved his hands behind you and pressed you into him roughly, making you gasp when you felt him grind his erection into your hip. “I can make you feel better than that stupid bitch did.” He moved a hand up the inside of your thigh until he was cupping your heat through your panties, groaning when he found you soaked.

You bit your lip as he ran his fingers over the sopping fabric of your panties, teasing them against your throbbing clit. You kept the blade against his throat as you rocked into his hand, begging for more friction.

“You wanna consummate it?” You gave him a wicked grin as you slowly withdrew the letter opener, tutting softly as a thin line of blood rose from his skin when it left. “Get on your knees.”

He pouted at you, that wasn’t exactly what he was hoping for. You shook your head and brought the blade back up to his neck swiftly, with a click of your tongue.

“Look at that, already not holding up your end.” You scolded as he eyed you warily.

He just grumbled at you as he sank to his knees, digging his fingers into your thighs and drawing them apart slowly. He hooked his fingers underneath the sides of your panties and drew them slowly down your legs. You withdrew the blade from his neck and set it aside as he latched his palms under your hips and pulled you to the end of the desk, running his freshly shaven cheek over the smooth skin of your inner thigh and inhaling your scent.

You broke eye contact when you felt him breathe against your entrance, thrusting your hips forward to drive yourself into his mouth as his tongue flicked out to taste you. He dragged it over your slit in a heavy stripe that had you panting with need. You ran your fingers through Charles’ hair and gripped tightly, drawing him closer to you as he moaned against your core.

“Fuck.” You murmured as you fell back on your elbow, screwing your eyes shut as he thrust his tongue into you, curling it inside your canal. “Charles.”

His fingers were gripping your thighs so hard above your stockings you were sure there were going to be bruises tomorrow. His lips brushed softly against your folds as his tongue lapped up the evidence of your arousal greedily, making you moan.

You felt him release one thigh and bring his fingers to stroke over your slit as he disconnected his mouth to give you a wicked grin. “You need to be quiet, doll. All we need is you blowing the whole thing when I make you cum.” He plunged two fingers into you and curled them in a beckoning motion and you collapsed against the desk with a thud, writhing into his hand and whining softly.

You shoved your fist into your mouth and bit down on your knuckles when he wrapped his lips around your clit and sucked gently, making your back arch off the desk. He chuckled as he felt you clench around his fingers and he increased the pressure on your tiny bud, sucking even harder as your body rolled underneath him.

“That’s right sweetheart, cum for me.” He curled his fingers one more time as he latched onto you and that was that. You sobbed into your hand as your spine curled, every muscle in your body going rigid for just a beat before you were trembling in bliss, your release gushing over Charles’ chin as he kept fucking his fingers into you while you rode it out.

“God, darling, that was something.” He grinned down at you as he rose to stand between your legs, watching you shiver as aftershocks wracked your body. You looked sinful with your skirt bunched around your waist and your cunt on full display. One of your stockings had come loose from your garter belt and was starting to slide down your thigh. “If we’re gonna have an even partnership though, I think you owe me something.”

He bent over you and pressed his mouth to yours possessively, shoving his tongue between your swollen lips and probing the warm cavern of your mouth as he wrapped one hand around the back of your neck. His other hand started traveling underneath your back, searching for the buttons to undo your dress.

“Alright, fuck this.” He withdrew his hand from beneath you and started fumbling it around the desk searching for something. You gasped into his mouth when you felt the cool silver of the letter opener press against your chest, but he just drew in down in a quick slash, tearing open your dress and the thin lace of your bra until your breasts were exposed.

Charles watched the rise and fall of your chest hungrily as he rose above you, wrenching his tie and jacket off before starting to undo the buttons of his shirt. You reached down to undo his belt and whipped it off through the loops before working on the buttons of his pants. He stepped back when you had finished your work to slip out of his shoes before sliding his slacks down his legs and tossing his shirt aside.

He started tracing his fingers over your thighs lightly as he stepped closer, nudging his tip against your pussy and making you whine. Charles just chuckled as he teased you, one of his thumbs rubbing right next to your slit before withdrawing it again.

“Maybe we should renegotiate, doll.” He pressed the head of his cock into you slowly before dragging it out again. “I bet you’d give me anything right now just to get me to fuck this sweet little cunt.”

“Fuck you, Blackwood.” You hissed at him before it devolved into a moan as he brought up a hand to palm at your breast and you felt the sensation echo in your core as you clenched around nothing.

He lined himself up and clapped his palm over your mouth before spearing into you violently. You screamed into his hand and felt tears leak down your cheeks as another orgasm ripped through you and your shuddered as he began to fuck into you like a madman.

“God, this pussy is so tight, doll. So fucking warm and ready for me.” He kept his hand over your mouth as he bent to trace a bead of sweat that was trailing through the valley of your breasts with his tongue, moaning at the salty taste of you before mouthing softly over the slope of one breast to lave his tongue over your nipple. He laughed against your skin as he felt you clamp around him, your hips thrusting to match his as you neared another release. “You gonna be quiet if I move my hand, darling?” You nodded and sucked in a ragged breath when he removed his hand.

His hand moved underneath your hips and tilted you just slightly as he buried his face in your neck, sucking softly at the hollow behind your ear. You dug your nails into the muscles of his back when he brought his hand between the two of you to rub his fingers against your clit.

“Shit, I’m gonna cum again.” You whispered, tossing your head back and arching into Charles as you felt a warm coil tightening in your stomach.

“Be quiet about it.” He hissed at you, pressing his cheek to yours as he continued rutting into you.

You dipped your head and sank your teeth into his shoulder as your pleasure took hold of you and you heard him swallow a shout as you fluttered around him, your legs holding him to you tightly.

“Fuck, Y/N.” He growled in your ear, bringing up one hand to brace himself against the desk and stare into your eyes. “God, I’m close, darling. You got one more for me?”

You smirked and shoved him off you roughly, making him stumble back and land heavily on the settee. You crawled into his lap and sank onto him with a hiss, grinding into him slowly before you started fucking yourself on his cock.

Charles leaned back and gripped your hips tightly, guiding you as you impaled yourself on his length over and over. You picked up the pace and he groaned as he watched your tits bounce with each thrust of his hips. You braced a hand on his chest as your eyes fluttered closed and you bit at your bruised lips. One more drive of his hips had you collapsing on top of him, your pussy strangling his cock as he fucked you through it. Your body rolled against him as he turned your head to kiss you deeply.

You felt his hips stutter and suddenly you were flooded with warmth as his seed shot into you, thick hot ropes of his spend filling you up and leaking out around his cock as he groaned into your mouth.

The two of you laid there for a bit, panting as you waited for your breathing to regulate. You were the first to move, standing over him and trying to think of some way to cover yourself long enough to make it to your room, eventually deciding to just pull the ruins of your dress over your shoulders and hope for the best. You smirked down at Charles as he started to sit up, his cock coated in a mix of your releases and his skin flushed. His perfectly coifed hair was now falling into his eyes in sweat-soaked curls as he gazed up at you through his thick lashes.

“I think this is the start of a pretty great partnership, darling.” You teased him over your shoulder as you headed back up to your room, leaving him to clean up the lounge on his own.

Not my gif

A/N: Surprise!! Our reader is a bad, bad girl! We’ll see what sort of other trouble she and Charles get up to!

[nonbinarytoast]

Honestly I’m just gonna put a basic understanding of Dungeon Meshi below the cut for anyone not interested in watching it but what’s to read this (do not read if you are planning to watch, this will have spoilers)

Dungeon Meshi is kind of like D&D in the sense that they’re going through a multi layer dungeon the whole time. There’s all the typical fantasy races like dwarves, elves, half-foot, all that stuff. They call humans Tall-Mans also.

Below is a list of the characters you need to know, their races, their abilities, and a fun fact.

Laois — Tall-man, can use sword, and is INCREDIBLY autistic coded.

Marcille — elf (half-elf?), user of black magic (plus fire), also very lesbian.

Falin — Tall-man, user of not black magic, Marcille’s lesbian girlfriend and Laios’s sister.

Senshi — dwarf, he makes food (he can fight the food), has been living in the dungeon since before it was officially discovered.

Izutsumi — beast-man (cat girl), nimble and quick with sharp claws, hates everyone

Chilichuck — Half-foot, is tiny so can easily check for traps, has reassured the party many times that despite his height of 3’7 he is 29.

Thistle — elf, user of all magics (including black) (mostly black), most likely has a really good bromance with Delgal

Delgal — Tall-man, leadership skills I guess, former king of the golden country who’s been dead for I don’t know how many years (thistle is in denial) (also he’s just insane)

Lore you need to know:

Falin was eaten by a red dragon before the story begins. The reason they (Laois, Marcille, Chilchuck) went back into the dungeon was so that they could resurrect her and get her back. They had to go as soon as possible because they could only resurrect her before she got digested, and because of this, didn’t have enough food or supplies for the journey.

That’s when they met Senshi, who started cooking monsters for them and letting them feed off the dungeon, forgoing any cost or debts that they might have had to have.

When they get to the red dragon, they realize that Falin has already been digested because of the dragons strange activity and constant motion. This causes Marcille to reveal her secret, that she uses black magic, which is highly forbidden for what it can do.

The group assembles the only thing left of Falin, her bones, and Marcille does a black magic ritual that brings her back to life. The problem with this is that the ritual Marcille used intertwined Falin and the red dragons souls, making it so she still had some of the red dragon instinct in her. And some of that instinct was to follow Thistle.

Thistle has been looking for his childhood friend, king Delgal, for hundreds of years now. He had sent the red dragon to go out and find him. And Falin now has to answer that order. Thistle transforms Falin into a beast of feathers and scales and sends her off, once again, to find Delgal.

With Falin gone again and the groups moral low, they start to trudge back upwards until they run into an old friend, and eventually, a new one. This old friend, Shuro, has an attendant named Izutsumi, who thinks that maybe Laois’s party can help cure her curse.

Izutsumi has been cursed into being a beast man, meaning she’s part cat. She used to be a human, and she longs to be normal again instead of some house pet, but the curse binding her is tight, and they can’t get it off. She stays with them anyway because she thinks Thistle, (the mad mage, as most people call him) might be able to break her curse. Also, she’s starting to like them.

They meet a couple people, get a couple clues, and keep going to try and defeat Thistle and get Falin back. All with a delicious meal every day! (Thank you Senshi) (we love you Senshi)

Thats all that’s on Netflix and I haven’t read the manga so we’re starting right there and I hope I don’t commit a crime against canon.

If once I finished Dungeon Meshi I wrote a malevolent crossover…….

The probability that people would read it is pretty low………..

BUT THAT DOESNT MATTER BECAUSE ARTHUR WILL EAT FOOD!!!!

[damnzawa]

Hi there! I just found your account and I love you writing! I was wondering if you could do a bakugou x reader fantasy au? Where prince bakugou goes to a small village in his kingdom for a pit stop while on a quest but meets the reader who's a poor butcher's daughter that doesn't know who he is and doesn't really care either but really wants to go on a quest and begs him to let her travel with him in exchange for being a chef. Thank you so much!!💞💕💗 ⁽⁽ଘ( ˊᵕˋ )ଓ⁾⁾┌(★ｏ☆)┘

ANNOYING — B. KATSUKI

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry if this took a long time to be published! I went off tumblr for a while due to personal issues but now I'm back! Hope you like this!

REQUESTS ARE CLOSED (for now)

WARNINGS: Language LMAO but its Bakugo so what do we expect. Also this is not beta read!

WORD COUNT: 1955

Not everyday you have the privilage to meet the prince. The heir to the kingdom's throne. The second most respected man in the whole entire kingdom.

And not everyday you get to mistake him as a thief either.

Not that you care about his title, really. You believe that all men are created equal, regardless of their social standings, heirarchy and whatnot. Thus, you didn't really care about the prince and the royal family that much to ever know about them. Not even their faces, nor names.

So, it wasn't a surprise that it will cause you your possible demise.

You see, the day started nice. You went out to do some deliveries, met some nice people on the road who bought half of the meat your father had cut, and to top it all off the farmer was kind enough to give you extra rootcrops as a sign of gratitude to you and your father. It was a great day all in all. Until, the knights came.

Along with the explosive prince.

Murmurs began to start as you headed back to your father's stall in the market after a long day of delivery work. Even though you didn't mean to eavesdrop — it was kind of hard not to, considering how their volumes were — you caught the words: arrogant, self-centered, short-tempered. And later you found out those words described the prince.

"He must be a nincompoop then. To get such a reputation from the people in town, he must have done some... questionable things." You said to yourself. Too engrosed in your thoughts, you bumped into a red-headed knight. You bowed immediately while apologizing then excused yourself, you didn't really want to interact with knights today. All you wanted to do was cook a hearty meal for your stubborn father, read a book by the fireplace after a bath, and relax.

But all those plans seem to be quickly washed away when you saw an ash blond quietly steal from your father. You were gonna let it slide, thinking that maybe it was for a good cause.

That is until you realized, the man stole a prime cut.

As if a switch was flicked, you quickly ran towards the direction the man headed to. Spotting him from afar, you ran as fast as you can and knocked the man into the ground, shocking the people around you.

"Give it back." You sternly commanded the man. "Give back the meat you stole from my father."

The man scoffed at your 'accusations' and tried to wiggle his way free but your entire weight placed on top of his back made it hard to do so. "Let me fucking go. I have no idea what the actual fuck you are accusing me of."

"Oh shut it. I saw you with my own two eyes and I am very much sure that their vision is not impaired yet." His futile attempts at escaping now stopped as he tilted his head to see the scoundrel who had the audacity to knock him down and embarrass him infront of townspeople.

Of course it had to be a girl.

"Are you one of my admirers to go such lengths as accusing me of stealing from a commoner?" That comment made your eye twitch because first, you are certainly not an admirer of this prick. Two, you don't even know the guy! Three, who would admire this piece of work? And lastly, your father might be a 'commoner' but he's the best 'commoner' you could ever find! There wouldn't be a slab of ribs or a fine piece of steak on your plates if it weren't for him! And the way this asshole said 'commoner' with such distaste too! What a prick! Who the hell does he think he is?

"My prince!" The same red-headed knight you bumped into earlier shouted from afar. Your eyes widened for a second before turning back to the asshole beneath you who now has a smug grin on his face.

"Miss! Are you alright?" The knight asked while helping you get up. "Did the prince cause you any disturbances? Any problems?" It was your turn to plaster on a smug grin on your face. You saw his own falter which you made you more smug than before.

"Why yes actually, the prince caused me a slight inconvenience." The red-head sighed, taking a quick glance at the prince beside him — who couldn't stand due to pain. "The prince stole a priceless little thing from my father's stall earlier and I'd like for him to return it or better yet, pay for it." The prince was about to retort but the red-head beat him to it.

"I deeply apologize for the prince's action, miss. If it would make you happy and satisfied, I will pay for the items he stole. I will also ask for forgiveness on his behalf." Angry noises came from the prince's (beast) mouth as the red-headed knight did exactly what he told making you raise an eyebrow.

"Why are you doing it for him? Can't he do it himself?" It was amazing to see a knight easily convinced to do something a mere 'commoner' like you demanded, but you concluded that this red-headed fellow wasn't an ordinary knight. He seemed like the type that's fed up with the prince's antics, thus his demeanor towards people is filled with empathy and the usual knightly courage. But your words made him halt, and look at you as if you were from some otherworldly land.

You caught the knight mutter about something manly before the prince interrupted. "Hah?! I'm not gonna apologize to someone lower than me! You extra!" The knight sweat-dropped at the prince's words while you looked at him blankly. Wow, the rumors are true, he is an asshole.

"Well, Your Highness, this extra happened to be the one who cared for the rib who used to be a part of the cow that you stole just now. So, apologize and pay up. I don't care if you're the prince or not. Thievery is a crime, and you just committed it." The crowd begin to whisper, making the prince's eye twitch.

"Fine, you annoying extra! Give her whatever the fuck she wants!" And with that the prince stormed off. Leaving you and the red-haired knight behind. The crowd began to disperse, seeing as the scene just concluded and that the man of the hour was gone.

The knight turned to you once again and bowed. "I'm deeply sorry for my prince's actions. As he caused such an inconvenience and refuses to be accountable for his actions, I shall ensure to provide whatever compensation you need or want — within reason of course." Before you can respond, he introduces himself with a grin. "Ah! How silly of me! Chivalric knight, Kirishima Eijirou at your service."

"I appreciate your efforts, Sir Kirishima, but I just need the payment for the stolen goods." You replied with a smile, but soon your smile faltered. You had wanted to be a chef for so long and travel unknown lands to discover cuisine and cooking techniques you've never heard of before. Perhaps... is this the right time to do it?

You bit your lip as you contemplated. Should you grab this opportunity and run with it?

Seeing your hesitancy, Kirishima waited for your answer. "Actually... I have a request... I was wondering if it's possible?"

"I'm all ears, Miss."

...

"What is this extra doing here?!" Prince Bakugo exclaimed as he saw your annoying little face within his traveling party. Kirishima sighed as he explained the situation. You would join his party as a chef until you reach the capital where you will be training to be a chef under the great Lunch Rush. Bakugo was about to object when Kirishima shot him a look.

"Fine. But I'm not eating garbage cooked by a commoner!" You rolled your eyes at his demeanor. Are all royals like this?

As if reading your mind, Kirishima responds. "Don't worry. King Masaru and Queen Mitsuki are quite modest and kind."

"Then what happened to him?" You pointed to Bakugo.

"I heard that, you extra!" Fowl language followed that statement making the traveling party sigh. Oh boy, this is gonna be a painful journey.

After that, you said your goodbyes to your father, who was very emotional about the turn of events. "Be good and be brave, my sweet child. And ask for forgiveness from His Highness." Your brows were scrunched in confusion.

"Why must I do that? He was clearly in the wrong!"

"Ah... that slab of meat was a present from me to him. He once helped me round up the cows when his traveling party went by our house yesterday. The slab of priceless meat was a token of appreciation for his kind gesture. So, do apologize for your actions, ok?" The information you just heard astounded you, making you speechless. Guilt pooled in your stomach as you promised your father that you will apologize to the prince. And with a final promise of coming home as a renowned chef, you parted ways.

The journey started rough. The prince refused to eat anything you made at all. His stubbornness knows no bounds and his overall demeanor towards you was not pleasant, which you understood as the scene you caused was a total misunderstanding on your part. The only upside was the traveling party greatly enjoyed your meals, and some even gave you recipes from different places and suggestions of destinations that you'll surely enjoy to explore! Overall, it went smoothly.

That is, until the prince became sick.

The doctors in your traveling party asked you to concoct different meals suited to His Highness, You had to stop at a village in order to ensure Prince Bakugo's speedy recovery. And one day, you were assigned to deliver his meals to him personally.

"Prince Bakugo?" You knocked on the door, and as expected, not a response came from the prince. You sighed and slowly opened the door, cautiously stepping in so you won't wake Bakugo up or spill the contents of the bowl you held.

"Go away, you extra." He grumbled, but his rough voice was replaced with a weak ome due to his illness.

"Look, I know you won't eat my meals but you need to eat. You can't recover from this if your body doesn't have the nutrients it needs to fight back this illness." You huffed. "And... besides, consider this as my way of making up to you."

"What the heck are you talking about?"

"My father told me about it. I'm sorry for mistaking you for a thief. I tried to apologize to you on several occasions but you angrily push me away every time I do. So, I figured this might be the right timing since you know... you aren't your usual aggressive self." You scratched your nape in embarrassment. "Besides, if there's something I learned while traveling with you is that you're a big softie inside. You might act rough and is shard on the edges, you're actually kind-hearted and caring. Uh... anyways. Please make sure to eat your meal, Prince Bakugo."

Before you can exit the room, you heard him say, "Annoying extra." But the usual hostility behind those words wasn't there. You might just be assuming it or imagining it, but those words almost sounded... fond.

With a shake of your head, you left the room.

Later that day, you found the bowl to be empty and outside of his room. Along with it was a note that read, "Don't fucking tell me what to do, you annoying extra."

[shorkbrian]

Any chances you'll write for Levi again? It's his birthday so i was scrolling and saw your drabble for him.

I missed his birthday FRICK. Well, I have a song that makes me soft and is a vibe while reading this. https://open.spotify.com/track/68XhCrBajUR64h6wv4eYYW?si=M4wxQMwiRnqGrvn2uPlUqw 

and happy holidays to everyone lol

(Warnings - NSFW, no penetration, dubcon, gratuitous blowjob scene.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He’s called for you again.

You fix a cup of tea, just how you know he prefers it, trying to hurry through the motions, pouring the boiling water, steeping the leaves, adding the slightest touch of honey.

When you reach his room, you’re glad you’ve brought the tea. Upon opening the door, you can see that tonight will be rough, full of jealousy and unintended pain.

Levi has thrown things to the floor in anger, books, candles, paper and pen.  He hardly ever leaves a mess, is meticulous about cleaning them up as soon as he makes them. It’s unlike his normal demeanor to be so disorderly.

The man is slouched in a chair by the wall, barely raises his head when you enter. He twitches despite the care you take in shutting the door, trying your best to close it quietly.

“Captain Levi? Sir?” You held in your gasp as he lifted his head. The captain looked awful - dark circles hung under his eyes, his posture was hunched and tired, and worst of all, his eyes were red and puffy, as if he’d been crying.

Captain Levi hardly ever cried.

“(Y/N), go sit on the bed.”

Without a word, you did as you were told, placing his cup of tea on the nightstand as you sat. Levi slowly stood, straightening his back out as he did.

“I’m....” He trailed off, stepping towards the bed. His eyes were kept downcast, unable to meet your questioning gaze.

You were aware that something had probably happened on today’s push beyond the wall. Less than half of the group that had gone over had come back, Erwin and Levi grim-faced at the head of the group. Too many deaths.

“Captain… tell me-tell me how to help?” You were used to it by now, pushing aside discomfort and embarrassment to cater to your captain.

He was a harsh man, face always lowered into a disinterested scowl, not hesitant to snap at anyone who irked him or raised his ire. He made crude jokes when he was in a good mood, swearing and letting a cruel smile cross his lips.

The man had a reputation - intimidating, rigid, competent and unwavering. But with you, the menacing Captain Levi was… different.

You weren’t sure when it had started.

All you had wanted to do was provide a small bit of comfort on what had seemed to be an awful day for the Captain, much like today. He had stormed through the mess hall, ignoring the cadets shrinking away at his prescence to march straight to the kitchen. Only higher ranking members could enter the kitchens, other than staff, so it wasn’t busy.

He had grabbed a plate from the cleaned rack of dishes, dished out food, then swiftly headed for the kitchen door again, only to snap at the first staff that got in his way; you.

Feeling awful as he stormed past you, committing nothing more than the crime of standing in his way for more than a mere second, you had tried to make amends.

It was common knowledge that the Captain had an affinity for tea. A nice cup offered to the man would perhaps lift his mood. At the very least, it would soothe your conscious - you felt guilty for worsening his evening.

So that’s what you did.

He had let you in his room with a curt “come in”, and you quickly explained what the tea was for, quick to set it on the small table he was seated at before the Captain could snap at you to leave.

“Drink it if you find it satisfactory, if not, feel free to dump it out the window. Again, so sorry for disturbing you Captain, sir, but I hope your evening goes well.”

And then you had left.

And Levi’s curiosity was piqued. Who were you, to be so bold as to feel entitled to his time? A lowly kitchen staff?  You thought of yourself so highly, thought you knew him well enough to know how he took his tea? Pretentious.

But still, he found himself raising the cup to his lips, taking a sip, testing the taste. And admittedly, you didn’t know how he fixed his own tea. You had made it too sweet, with too much honey. The sweetness burned his tongue, scorched his throat far worse than hot water ever could.

He liked it.

Levi found himself seeking you out, finding out from the head cook who the kitchen staff were, who you were. When you worked, which barracks you stayed in, if you were always kind and sweet to rude people you didn’t even know.

You were surprised when the head cook had told you that Levi asked for more tea.

Of course, you brought it to him.

And at first, he never talked to you. He just watched you set down his tea, watched you give a small wave and a friendly, respectful curtsy before leaving.

Then he asked you to bring yourself a cup the next night, to sit with him.

Since it was Captain Levi, you couldn’t refuse.

Of course you were a bit intimidated - had you been doing something wrong? Was he going to fire you? But the man had said few words, just sipped his tea, watched as you blew at your own steaming cup.

It was an uncomfortable affair, at least for you, so it was surprising to you that he kept asking you to sit with him.

You start to see him often, more often than you previously had.  He lingers in the mess hall, taking meals at the high ranks tables, and you always feel his eyes on you when you bring out more food to place on the buffet-style tables at the front. You often found him heading for seconds when you were adding food to the table, and he often said hello in his gruff, curt way.

Captain Levi was seen patrolling the area near the staff barracks, checking windows, checking doors, making sure everything was proper and safe. You could feel his presence, see his shadow sometimes when he passed by the window.

Between mealtimes, when you weren’t washing dishes or helping to prepare for the next meal, you were allowed breaks. You spent these breaks reading, or taking short walks along the inside of the garrison walls. It spooked you when you began seeing Levi nearby, apparently deciding to train the cadets near your common reading spots, or sometimes appearing suddenly during one of your walks.

He’d walk with you, not uttering a word, just strolling beside you in silence. You didn’t try to speak - he didn’t seem to be looking for conversation, simply companionship. And his presence, while unsettling, wasn’t entirely unwelcome - you knew that Captain Levi was one of the most capable fighters in the Survey Corps, and no Titan nor human would be able to hurt you unless he allowed it.

Despite his bitter demeanor, it was easy to see how much Levi cared for his underlings well-being. Always trying to make sure they were safe, risking his own life for them, pushing them to the brink and beyond during training so he could ensure that they could defend themselves during an attack.

The awkward tea-time turned into small chats, were Levi asked you about your home, your hobbies, your likes and dislikes.

Surprisingly, Levi didn’t shy away from answering when you yourself asked the same questions.

You became privy to his rough upbringing, the tragedy of his mother, the few friends he had made and lost.

The more the two of you talked, the more you understood his rough exterior, why he was cynical and brusque and mean.

But he became softer with you.

You weren’t sure when comfortable companionship, tentative friendship, had turned into unpleasant touches, quiet confessions, time spent together that you began to loathe and tried to avoid.

But some part of you understood, and felt bad.

Levi had never known someone in an intimate sense. Not like this, not like you. He could force you to submit to him, it could be an ordeal of tears and blood and despair for both of you, but if you went along with his whims willingly, the both of you were spared the pain.

Yes, you experienced discomfort, and unease, and you weren’t entirely happy about some of the things Levi asked of you, but you knew the man was tired, and hurting, and desperate for soft words and kind touches.

The man had wanted simple favors at first. A touch here, a light brush of his hand on your shoulder or a lingering caress of your hand if it rested on the table. Then it was sitting closer together, letting him brush your hair away from your face, his hand finding a home on the plush skin of your thigh as you two talked.

Then it was his late-night confessions, when he kept you past curfew, after the tea cups had long been dry. He told you how he wanted…. You. He wasn’t sure what it was that he needed, but it had to be from you.

He would take it, force it from you, whether it was sex or feelings or some twisted desire. He could, and both of you knew that he had the skills to completely subdue you.

But you caved immediately, feeling like a crumb of bread in the face of a raven.

Satisfied with your answer, the man had taken you that night, slowly peeled off your clothes and laid you on his bed like a lover. He had noticed your trembling, the tears clouding your vision, and he could tell this wasn’t something that you wanted to willingly give to him.

But he took anyway.

He had never allowed himself to be selfish, to want things for himself, to afford thinking thoughts of a loving partner, kindness and gentle treatment with his rude and brash personality.

Levi had made it good for you - he had bedded women before, to sate his physical desires when they so rarely arose. But with you, unlike those other women, he wanted you to stay in his life, be there for him when he craved the sweetness you provided in your tea, in your body, in you. He wanted you to be his constant, the person he could turn to, always.

And so you where.

You were when he pulled you into his quarters at odd hours, just to share heated kisses and let his hands wander across your flesh.

At times when he was frustrated, angry, and needed a rough fuck to find his calm again.

Whenever Levi needed to feel the heat of another’s body, to experience pleasure and love and feelings of warmth and desire, you were the person he turned to.

It’s why he turned to you now.

“I’d like to hold you.” It was more of a command, an order, than a question.

Shuffling on the bed, you scooted back so he could sit down, so he could gently push your shoulders so you fell back onto the pillows. The man crawled closer, flopping down beside you with a tired, wretched sigh, one that made your bones ache in sympathy.

You were so used to the Captain taking what he wanted, you didn’t even cringe when an arm was slung over your chest, grabbing you, pulling you close to him. He buried his face in your neck, throwing a leg over your hip and an arm over your waist, completely plastering himself to your side.

The sounds of your breathing filled the room - your uneasy, disturbed rhythm accompanying his rapid, shuddering breaths.

It was only when wetness smear across your neck, did you realize that the man was crying.

You knew how that could feel, lungs burning, shoulders aching, heart squeezed and deadened in your chest. How you longed for comfort, for someone to hold you and soothe the pain.

So you tentatively drew your own hand around his slim shoulders, your other hand rising to play with a strand of thin hair, drawing him closer to you.

In some twisted, pathetic turn, you felt sorry for the man.

Sorry that he felt such pain, such anguish. Sorry that so much responsibility rested on his shoulders. The responsibility of keeping his soldiers alive, of protecting humanity, of fighting in life-or-death situations where he was forced to watch his comrades be torn to shreds. Sorry that he was stressed, that the world had beaten him down and never allowed him a quiet, easy life.

Most of all, you think you were sorry that he asked things of you that you weren’t comfortable in answering.

How do you tell a killing machine no? How does one go about turning away a sad, lost soul looking for company and warmth? How would you live with yourself if you put your own comfort higher than a man who was so integral to the continuation of humanity’s existence?

You could deal with the gross feelings in order to be of service.

It always surprised you, how a man so interested in cleanliness could make you feel so dirty.

Considerable time passed before Levi’s shaky, silent sobs evolved into normal breathing. He had cried his tears, let his sadness overflow in the safety of your arms.

Now he was content to hold you, to grip your form with such intensity that you were sure you’d have bruises along your waist.

You feel asleep like that, his arms tight around you, trapping your body close to his, making you feel every rise and fall of his chest, every steady beat of his heart.

——-

You woke up to movement.

It was still night, it must be, with the lit candles still burning at the bedside.

Levi was slowly grinding against you, his leg still slung over your hip, hard length rubbing against your stomach. You could feel a tiny hint of wetness seeping through your shirt, meaning Levi must’ve been at this a while to have leaked enough to soak through not only his own pants, but your shirt as well.

“(Y/N)…” He breathed, noticing you had stirred awake. A breathy sigh escaped the man, before his hips stopped moving. “Suck me off.”

Still half-asleep and blinking your eyes, you only managed to look at your captain, dazed.

A slow smile spread across his face as he took in your sleepy expression, but then he nudged your side again, insistent. “Suck me off, you got me all hard and now I’ve ruined my pants.”

As if it were fault that he was like this.

Finally registering his request, you moved down the bed to the man’s crotch, helping him shimmy off his sleep pants and underwear as you did so.

His cock wasn’t girthy, nor particularly long. It was pretty though, with a flushed tip, a pale base, and fat, firm balls underneath.

Without further ado, you set your mouth on him, gathering spit to slicken his length (not that you needed to, not with how much the man had leaked) before slowly making your way down. Drawing back a bit, you sucked at the crown,  cringing a bit at how Levi’s entire cock twitched, the man drawing in a sharp inhale.

He was particularly sensitive there, just under the head, so you flicked your tongue against that spot a few times, heard him hiss in pleasure, before slurping back down along his length, taking him as far down your throat as you could manage.

Levi couldn’t help the rocking of his hips, the twitches of his cock. “Touch my balls (Y/N), please.”

You were surprised to hear him say please. He only offered such niceties when he was in a vulnerable, soft mood.  His balls were plump, round, full to bursting with sperm. The skin was velvety soft as your rubbed at it, massaging the mounds with your palms, before rubbing over them quickly with the tips of your fingers.

Levi groaned, a hand clutching at the strands of your hair to anchor himself.

It was an uncomfortable feeling. You never liked when he touched you, and you never enjoyed touching him, but you bore it with no complaint, let him do as he pleased without a fight. Submission was easier.

His cock kept pulsing in your mouth, making you gag and choke around his length, which only seemed to draw him more pleasure. Despite the discomfort, you still did your best, hollowing your cheeks out to suck, hard.

Levi’s hips bucked up unexpectedly, hitting the back of your throat so quickly that you almost threw up with the intensity, immediately pulling off of his length with a hacking cough.

You let it rest against your cheek as you regained your breath, feeling it drool and twitch as if it were alive and hungry.

Levi let you rest; he knew you’d take him back into your mouth in a second, always eager to obey him.

And you did, sucking him with renewed vigor. The taste of his cock wasn’t entirely unpleasant, Levi kept himself clean and trimmed, so there was only the slightest hint of natural musk, but that was easily overwhelmed by the bitter taste of soap and the salty taste of sweat and skin.

Then Levi tugged your hair a bit, drawing your attention away from his cock and up to his face. “Slow down, I don’t want to cum too soon.”

He was in the mood to draw this out it seemed. You eased up on the suction of your cheeks, letting your cheeks go with a smacking sound. Apparently that felt good, since Levi sighed, rolling his head back to rest on the pillows.

The picture of relaxed pleasure.

Going slower now, you paused to let his length slip out of your mouth, giving the sides long, sensual licks, digging your tongue into the slit at the top.

You’d suck him back into your mouth, swirling your tongue around his length, before popping off again, this time going for his well-groomed balls, slathering them with spit as you lapped at the skin.

Eventually, you grew tired, your jaw sore. It’s not like you wanted to do this in the first place, but now you were physically feeling ache-y.

Taking him into your mouth one last time, you dug deep, sucking vigorously at his length, drawing him down your throat, trying to get him to the edge as quick as you could.

And it worked, because the next thing you knew, a spurt of cum hit your tongue.

With a gag at the taste, you whipped your head back, Levi’s cock falling out of your mouth. But with his grip still in your hair, he kept your head close, watching his cum stripe across your face with satisfaction.

Levi was breathing heavily, almost panting as he finished, and you were glad you had closed your eyes - you didn’t want to see the look on his face, eyes filled with an emotion you didn’t want to label.

At least he was kind afterwards, helped you clean it up.

His tea was still sitting on the nightstand, long gone cold. Levi offered you a sip still, and you readily accepted the liquid, soothing your throat

When you settled down again, face now washed and free of cum, Levi once again pulled you close to him. This time, his chin rested atop your head, his hands cradling your head to his chest.

You felt gentle vibrations as he hummed softly, and you internally thanked him for small mercies - not having you strip tonight, not fucking you, not making you feel good.

There was such guilt when he pleasured you. How could something unwanted feel so good? There must be something wrong with you, to get off on his ministrations.

It was easier for you to not dwell on those feelings.

Easier to just lay in Levi’s arms, and listen to the beat of his heart.

[philip-ks-dick]

Philip K. Dick, For Dummies.

I’ve been researching PK.D for a few years now, as he’s my father’s favourite author and I’ve been watching movie and show adaptations of his work for the longest time. I have personally only read the books listed, here’s the order (I think) you should read them in, based on difficulty level and the knowledge you need of the PKD canon to understand the books that follow. This is purely my opinion based on knowledge of the author. by philip-k’s-dick (lol)

Beginner. (These books and stories allow readers to explore Dick’s pet themes and stylistic quirks without falling too far down the rabbit hole)

The Short Stories: Over the course of his life, PKD wrote somewhere in the range of 150 short stories. Naturally, it would be silly of me to dump all of them on you at once, but undeniably, the shorter format allows the big ideas of Dick’s work to come through more clearly, and even the screwier stories conform to relatively coherent shape, making them an excellent jumping off point, especially for an author who wrote almost nonstop throughout his life.

My Favourites:

In The Days of Perky Pat - In this novel, survivors of a global thermonuclear war live in isolated enclaves in California, surviving off what they can scrounge from the wastes and supplies delivered from Mars. The older generation spend their leisure time playing with the eponymous doll in an escapist role-playing game that recalls life before the apocalypse — a way of life that is being quickly forgotten. At the story's climax, a couple from one isolated outpost of humanity plays a game against the dwellers of another outpost (who play the game with a doll similar to Perky Pat dubbed "Connie Companion") in deadly earnest. The survivors' shared enthusiasm for the Perky Pat doll and the creation of her accessories from vital supplies is a sort of mass delusion that prevents meaningful re-building of the shattered society. In stark contrast, the children of the survivors show absolutely no interest in the delusion and have begun adapting to their new life.

(Elements of the story were later incorporated into Dick's novel The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch, written in 1964 and published in 1965, in which a Perky Pat simulation game is induced by drugs and miniature models instead. Palmer Eldritch is not a continuation or sequel however.)

What the Dead Men Say - Death is followed by a period of 'half-life', a short amount of time which can be rationed out over long periods in which the dead can be revived—so that, potentially, they can 'live' on for a long time. When attempts to bring back important businessman Louis Sarapis fail, it's clearly more than mere negligence. Sure enough, Sarapis starts speaking from beyond the grave. From outer space, in fact. Yet no-one seems terribly bothered, other than those directly concerned in the plot mechanics. Eventually entire communications networks (phones, TV, radio) are blocked by Sarapis' broadcasts

(Philip's later novel Ubik is a continuation of What the Dead Men Say)

Autofac - Three men wait outside their settlement for an automated delivery truck. Five years earlier, during the Total Global Conflict, a network of hardened automatic factories ("autofacs") had been set up with cybernetic controls that determine what food and consumer goods to manufacture and deliver. Human input had been lost, and the men planned disruption to try to establish communication and take over control. They destroy the delivery, but the truck radios the autofac and unloads an identical replacement, then prevents them from reloading items. They act out being disgusted with the milk delivery and are given a complaints checklist. In a blank space, they write improvised semantic garble—"the product is thoroughly pizzled". The autofac sends a humanoid data collector that communicates on an oral basis, but is not capable of conceptual thought, and they are unable to persuade the network to shut down before it consumes all resources. Their next strategy sets neighbouring autofacs in competition with each other for rare resources and seemingly succeeds, but there is a hidden level

Beyond Lies The Wub - Peterson, a crew member of a spaceship loading up with food animals on Mars, buys an enormous pig-like creature known as a "wub" from a native just before departure. Franco, his captain, is worried about the extra weight but seems more concerned about its taste, as his ship is short of food. However, after takeoff, the crew realizes that the wub is a very intelligent creature, capable of telepathy and maybe even mind control.

Peterson and the wub spend time discussing mythological figures and the travels of Odysseus. Captain Franco, paranoid after an earlier confrontation with the Wub which left him temporarily paralyzed, bursts in and insists on killing and eating the wub. The crew becomes very much opposed to killing the sensitive creature after it makes a plea for understanding, but Franco still makes a meal out of him. At the dinner table, Captain Franco apologises for the "interruption" and resumes the earlier conversation between Peterson and the Wub - which now has apparently taken over the Captain's body

Human Is - Jill Herrick and her husband Lester are in the middle of an argument. Lester deflects his wife’s claim that he is “hideous” with cold indifference. He tells her that he will not allow their child in the house and will have him removed to government custody because he is interfering with his research. Before the distraught Jill can pass this onto their son Gus, Lester gets news that he will be taking a trip to Rexor IV. Despite Jill’s desire to go there and see the planet, Lester insists that he will go alone.

Later Jill tells her brother Frank and she is going to leave Lester. She explains how happy she has been with Lester gone and how he seems to be getting worse every year of their marriage. More cold and more “ruthless,” not to mention the incessant working.

Lester comes home a very different man. He praises Jill’s cooking and expresses disgust with his work on Rexor IV studying toxins. He says he prefers Terra and being home with his wife.

Jill reports these changes to Frank, while Lester is playing in the room with Gus. Frank has Lester brought to a lab for more studies under the guidance of the Federal Clearance agency. Before long they realize that Lester has had his body taken over by a Rexorian.

The Hanging Stranger - The protagonist, Ed Loyce, is a store owner who is disturbed when he sees a stranger hanging from a lamppost, but finds that other people consider the apparent lynching unremarkable.

He finds evidence that alien insects have taken over, manages to get out of town, talks to the police commissioner, who believes him, and after getting all the information about what Ed knows, explains that the body was hung to see if anyone reacted to it, anyone they didn't have control over. He then takes Ed outside and hangs him from a lamppost.

The Commuter - Ed Jacobson is a railway worker at Woking station. His life takes a turn for the worse when his son, Sam, begins experiencing psychotic episodes. When he is selling rail tickets at work, a young woman named Linda asks for a ticket to a destination called Macon Heights that is not listed on any map.

The Minority Report - In a future society, three mutants foresee all crime before it occurs. Plugged into a great machine, these "precogs" allow a division of the police called Precrime to arrest suspects before they can commit any actual crimes. When the head of Precrime, John Anderton, is himself predicted to murder a man whom he has never met, Anderton is convinced a great conspiracy is afoot

Full Books:

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? - Rick Deckard, a bounty hunter for the San Francisco Police Department, is assigned to "retire" (kill) six androids of the new and highly intelligent Nexus-6 model which have recently escaped from Mars and traveled to Earth. These androids are made of organic matter so similar to a human's that only a posthumous "bone marrow analysis" can independently prove the difference, making them almost impossible to distinguish from real people. Deckard hopes this mission will earn him enough bounty money to buy a live animal to replace his lone electric sheep to comfort his depressed wife Iran. Deckard visits the Rosen Association's headquarters in Seattle to confirm the accuracy of the latest empathy test meant to identify incognito androids. Deckard suspects the test may not be capable of distinguishing the latest Nexus-6 models from genuine human beings, and it appears to give a false positive on his host in Seattle, Rachael Rosen, meaning the police have potentially been executing human beings. The Rosen Association attempts to blackmail Deckard to get him to drop the case, but Deckard retests Rachael and determines that Rachael is, indeed, an android, which she ultimately admits.

Clans of the Alphane Moon - War between Earth and insectoid-dominated Alpha III ended over a decade ago. (According to the novel, "Alphane" refers to the nearest star to our own system, Alpha Centauri). Some years after the end of hostilities, Earth intends to secure its now independent colony in the Alphane system, Alpha III M2. As a former satellite-based global psychiatric institution for colonists on other Alphane system worlds unable to cope with the stresses of colonisation, the inhabitants of Alpha III M2 have lived peacefully for years. But, under the pretence of a medical mission, Earth intends to take their colony back.

Against this background, Chuck Rittersdorf and his wife Mary are separating. Although they think they are going their separate ways, they soon find themselves together again on Alpha III M2. Mary travels there through government work, Chuck sees it as a chance to kill Mary using his remote control simulacrum. Along the way he is guided by his Ganymedean slime mould neighbour Lord Running Clam and Mary finds herself manipulated by the Alphane sympathiser, comedian Bunny Hentman.

The Man in the High Castle - In 1962, 15 years after Imperial Japan and Nazi Germany have won World War II, Robert "Bob" Childan owns an Americana antique shop in San Francisco, California (located in the Japanese-occupied Pacific States of America), which is most commonly frequented by the Japanese, who make a fetish of romanticized American cultural artifacts. Childan is contacted by Nobusuke Tagomi, a high-ranking Japanese trade official, who is seeking a gift to impress a visiting Swedish industrialist named Baynes. Childan's store is stocked in part with counterfeit antiques from the Wyndam-Matson Corporation, a metalworking company. Frank Frink (formerly Fink), a secretly Jewish-American veteran of World War II, has just been fired from the Wyndam-Matson factory, when he agrees to join a former co-worker to begin a handcrafted jewellery business. Meanwhile, Frink's ex-wife, Juliana, works as a judo instructor in Canon City, Colorado (in the neutral buffer zone of Mountain States), where she begins a sexual relationship with an Italian truck driver and ex-soldier, Joe Cinnadella. Throughout the book, many of these characters frequently make important decisions using prophetic messages they interpret from the I Ching, a Chinese cultural import. Many characters are also reading a widely banned yet extremely popular new novel, The Grasshopper Lies Heavy, which depicts an alternate history in which the Allies won World War II in 1945, a concept that amazes and intrigues its readers.

Frink reveals that the Wyndam-Matson Corporation has been supplying Childan with counterfeit antiques, which works to blackmail Wyndam-Matson for money to finance Frink's new jewelry venture. Tagomi and Baynes meet, but Baynes repeatedly delays any real business as they await an expected third party from Japan. Suddenly, the public receives news of the death of the Chancellor of Germany, Martin Bormann, after a short illness. Childan tentatively, on consignment, takes some of Frink's "authentic" new metalwork and attempts to curry favour with a Japanese client, who surprisingly considers Frink's jewelry immensely spiritually alive. Juliana and Joe take a road trip to Denver, Colorado and Joe impulsively decides they should go on a side-trip to meet the mysterious Hawthorne Abendsen, author of The Grasshopper Lies Heavy, who supposedly lives in a guarded fortress-like estate called the "High Castle" in Cheyenne, Wyoming. Soon, Joseph Goebbels is announced as the new German Chancellor.

Intermediate. (These are the books to pick up once you have the basics of what makes a PKD novel down. They’re obtuse enough to hit a little heavier, but don’t provide the full dose of surrealism Dick was capable of serving up. This is also good spot to jump in if you’ve experienced weird fiction before.)

Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said - The novel is set in a dystopian version of 1988, following a Second Civil War which led to the collapse of the United States' democratic institutions. The National Guard ("nats") and US police force ("pols") reestablished social order through instituting a dictatorship, with a "Director" at the apex, and police marshals and generals as operational commanders in the field. Resistance to the regime is largely confined to university campuses, where radicalized former university students eke out a desperate existence in subterranean kibbutzim. Recreational drug use is widespread, and the age of consent has been lowered to twelve. The black population has almost been rendered extinct. Most commuting is undertaken by personal aircraft, allowing great distances to be covered in little time.

The novel begins with the protagonist, Jason Taverner, a singer, hosting his weekly TV show which has an audience of 30 million viewers. His special guest is his girlfriend Heather Hart, also a singer. Both Hart and Taverner are "Sixes", members of an elite class of genetically engineered humans. While leaving the studio, Taverner is telephoned by a former lover, who asks him to pay her a visit. When Taverner arrives at her apartment, the former lover attacks him by throwing a parasitic life-form at him. Although he manages to remove most of the life-form, parts of it are left inside him. After being rescued by Hart, he is taken to a medical facility.

Waking up the following day in a seedy hotel with no identification, Taverner becomes worried, as failure to produce identification at one of the numerous police checkpoints would lead to imprisonment in a forced labor camp. Through a succession of phone calls made from the hotel to colleagues and friends who now claim not to know him, Taverner establishes that he is no longer recognized by the outside world. He soon manages to bribe the hotel's clerk into taking him to Kathy Nelson, a forger of government documents. However, Kathy reveals that both she and the clerk are police informants, and that the lobby clerk has placed a microscopic tracking device on him. She promises not to turn Taverner over to the police on the condition that he spend the night with her. Although he attempts to escape, Kathy confronts him again after he has successfully passed a police checkpoint using the forged identity cards. Feeling in her debt, he accompanies Kathy to her apartment block, where Inspector McNulty, Kathy's police handler, is waiting. McNulty has located Taverner via the tracking device the hotel lobby clerk placed on him, and instructs Taverner to come with him to the 469th Precinct police station so that further biometric identity checks can be performed.

Time out of Joint - Ragle Gumm lives in the year 1959 in a quiet American suburb. His unusual profession consists of repeatedly winning the cash prize in a local newspaper contest called "Where Will The Little Green Man Be Next?". Gumm's 1959 has some differences from ours: the Tucker car is in production, AM/FM radios are scarce to non-existent, and Marilyn Monroe is a complete unknown. As the novel opens, strange things begin to happen to Gumm. A soft-drink stand disappears, replaced by a small slip of paper with the words "SOFT-DRINK STAND" printed on it in block letters. Intriguing little pieces of the real 1959 turn up: a magazine article on Marilyn Monroe, a telephone book with non-operational exchanges listed and radios hidden away in someone else's house. People with no apparent connection to Gumm, including military pilots using aircraft transceivers, refer to him by name. Few other characters notice these or experience similar anomalies; the sole exception is Gumm's supposed brother-in-law, Victor "Vic" Nielson, in whom he confides. A neighborhood woman, Mrs. Keitelbein, invites him to a civil defense class where he sees a model of a futuristic underground military factory. He has the unshakeable feeling he's been inside that building many times before.

Confusion gradually mounts for Gumm. His neighbor Bill Black knows far more about these events than he admits, and, observing this, begins worrying: "Suppose Ragle [Gumm] is becoming sane again?" In fact, Gumm does become sane, and the deception surrounding him (erected to protect and exploit him) begins to unravel

Ubik - By the year 1992, humanity has colonized the Moon and psychic powers are common. The protagonist, Joe Chip, is a debt-ridden technician working for Runciter Associates, a "prudence organization" employing "inertials"—people with the ability to negate the powers of telepaths and "precogs"—to enforce the privacy of clients. The company is run by Glen Runciter, assisted by his deceased wife Ella who is kept in a state of "half-life", a form of cryonic suspension that allows the deceased limited consciousness and ability to communicate. While consulting with Ella, Runciter discovers that her consciousness is being invaded by another half-lifer named Jory Miller

Difficult. (This section comes with a caveat: within these novels you will encounter numerous hallucinations, drug trips, an entire trilogy about gnostic spirituality and mental illness, and more than a little unabashed nightmare fuel. It’s normal to get tangled up in what goes on in these books. It’s also normal to be weirded out. But with proper grounding, you’ll make it though with your faculties intact. Probably.)

The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch - The story begins in a future world where global temperatures have risen so high that in most of the world it is unsafe to be outside without special cooling gear during daylight hours. In a desperate bid to preserve humanity and ease population burdens on Earth, the UN has initiated a "draft" for colonizing the nearby planets, where conditions are so horrific and primitive that the unwilling colonists have fallen prey to a form of escapism involving the use of an illegal drug (Can-D) in concert with "layouts." Layouts are physical props intended to simulate a sort of alternative reality where life is easier than either the grim existence of the colonists in their marginal off-world colonies, or even Earth, where global warming has progressed to the point that Antarctica is prime vacation resort territory. The illegal drug Can-D allows people to "share" their experience of the "Perky Pat" (the name of the main female character in the simulated world) layouts. This "sharing" has caused a pseudo-religious cult or series of cults to grow up around the layouts and the use of the drug.

Up to the point where the novel begins, New York City-based Perky Pat (or P.P.) Layouts, Inc., has held a monopoly on this product, as well as on the illegal trade in the drug Can-D which makes the shared hallucinations possible.

The novel opens shortly after Barney Mayerson, P.P. Layouts' top precog, has received a "draft notice" from the UN for involuntary resettlement as a colonist on Mars. Mayerson is sleeping with his assistant, Roni Fugate, but remains conflicted about the divorce, which he himself initiated, from his first wife Emily, a ceramic pot artist. Meanwhile, Emily's second husband tries to sell her pot designs to P.P. Layouts as possible accessories for the Perky Pat virtual worlds—but Barney, recognizing them as Emily's, rejects them out of spite.

A Scanner Darkly - When performing his work as an undercover agent, Arctor goes by the name "Fred" and wears a "scramble suit" that conceals his identity from other officers. Then he is able to sit in a police facility and observe his housemates through "holo-scanners", audio-visual surveillance devices that are placed throughout the house. Arctor's use of the drug causes the two hemispheres of his brain to function independently or "compete". When Arctor sees himself in the videos saved by the scanners, he does not realize that it is him. Through a series of drug and psychological tests, Arctor's superiors at work discover that his addiction has made him incapable of performing his job as a narcotics agent. They do not know his identity because he wears the scramble suit, but when his police supervisor suggests to him that he might be Bob Arctor, he is confused and thinks it cannot be possible.

Donna takes Arctor to "New-Path", a rehabilitation clinic, just as Arctor begins to experience the symptoms of Substance D withdrawal. It is revealed that Donna has been a narcotics agent all along, working as part of a police operation to infiltrate New-Path and determine its funding source. Without his knowledge, Arctor has been selected to penetrate the organization. As part of the rehab program, Arctor is renamed "Bruce" and forced to participate in cruel group-dynamic games, intended to break the will of the patients

(If this one seems difficult to wrap your mind around, that's because its a fictionalized account of real events, and you may need to read about Philip's life at the time to understand the autobiographical nature of the book.)

The VALIS Trilogy

(Fictionalized account of religious experiences in PKD’s life.)

VALIS - In March, 1974, Horselover Fat (the alter-personality of Philip K. Dick) experiences visions of a pink beam of light that he calls Zebra and interprets as a theophany exposing hidden facts about the reality of our universe, and a group of others join him in researching these matters. One of their theories is that there is some kind of alien space probe in orbit around Earth, and that it is aiding them in their quest; it also aided the United States in disclosing the Watergate scandal and the resignation of Richard Nixon in August, 1974. Kevin turns his friends onto a film called Valis that contains obvious references to revelations identical to those that Horselover Fat has experienced, including what appears to be time dysfunction. The film is itself a fictional account of an alternative-universe version of Nixon ("Ferris F. Fremount") and his fall, engineered by a satellite called valis. (The plot of the fictitious film Valis was that of Dick's then-unpublished novel Radio Free Albemuth.) In seeking the film's makers, Kevin, Phil, Fat, and David—now calling themselves the Rhipidon Society—head to an estate owned by popular musician Eric Lampton and his wife Linda. They decide the goal that they have been led toward is Sophia Lampton, who is two-years old and the Messiah or incarnation of Holy Wisdom (Pistis Sophia) anticipated by some variants of Gnostic Christianity. In addition to healing Phil's schizophrenic personality split, she tells them that their conclusions about valis (which Fat had previously termed "Zebra") and reality are correct, and more importantly, that we should worship, not gods, but humanity. She dies two days later due to a laser accident caused by Brent Mini. Undeterred, Fat (who has now resurged) goes on a global search for the next incarnation of Sophia.

Dick also offers a rationalist explanation of his apparent theophany, acknowledging that it might have been visual and auditory hallucinations from either schizophrenia or drug addiction sequelae.

Characters:

Phil (Philip K. Dick): Narrator (first person), science fiction writer, author of Man in the High Castle, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, and Three Stigmata.

Horselover Fat: Narrator (third person), a schizophrenic modality of Phil himself. (Philip in Greek means "fond of horses"; dick is German for "fat".)

Gloria Knudson: Suicidal friend of Fat's who Fat is unable to save.

Kevin: Cynical friend of Fat's whose cat died running across the street, based on K. W. Jeter.

Sherri Solvig: Church-going friend of Fat's, eventually dies from lymphatic cancer.

David: Catholic friend of Fat's, based on Tim Powers.

Eric Lampton: Rock star, screenwriter, actor, a. k. a. "Mother Goose"; a fictionalised version of David Bowie.

Linda Lampton: Actress, wife of Eric Lampton.

Brent Mini: Electronic composer, a fictionalised version of Brian Eno.

Sophia Lampton: Two-year-old child (personalised incarnation of Holy Wisdom within some variants of Gnosticism), said to be the daughter of Linda Lampton and valis and the "Fifth Savior".

The Divine Invasion - After a fatal car accident on Earth, Herb Asher is placed into cryonic suspension as he waits for a spleen replacement. Clinically dead, Herb experiences lucid dreams while in suspended animation and relives the last six years of his life.

In the past, Herb lived as a recluse in an isolated dome on a remote planet in the binary star system, CY30-CY30B. Yah, a local divinity of the planet in exile from Earth, appears to Herb in a vision as a burning flame, and forces him to contact his sick female neighbor, Rybys Rommey, who happens to be terminally ill with multiple sclerosis and pregnant with Yah's child.

With the help of the immortal soul of Elijah, who takes the form of a wild beggar named Elias Tate, Herb agrees to become Rybys's legal husband and father of the unborn "savior". Together they plan to smuggle the six-month pregnant Rybys back to Earth, under the pretext of seeking help for Rybys' medical condition at a medical research facility. After being born in human form, Yah plans to confront the fallen angel Belial, who has ruled the Earth for 2000 years since the fall of Masada in the first century CE. Yah's powers, however, are limited by Belial's dominion on Earth, and the four of them must take extra precautions to avoid being detected by the forces of darkness.

Things do not go as planned. "Big Noodle", Earth's A.I. system, warns the ecclesiastical authorities in the Christian-Islamic church and Scientific Legate about the divine "invasion" and countermeasures are prepared. A number of failed attempts are made to destroy the unborn child, all of them thwarted by Elijah and Yah. After successfully making the interstellar journey back to Earth and narrowly avoiding a forced abortion, Rybys and Herb escape in the nick of time, only to be involved in a fatal taxi crash, probably due to the machinations of Belial. Rybys dies from her injuries sustained in the crash, and her unborn son Emmanuel (Yah in human form) suffers brain damage from the trauma but survives. Herb is critically injured and put into cryonic suspension until a spleen replacement can be found. Baby Emmanuel is placed into a synthetic womb, but Elias Tate manages to sneak Emmanuel out of the hospital before the church is able to kill him.

Six years pass. In a school for special children, Emmanuel meets Zina, a girl who also seems to have similar skills and talents, but acts as a surrogate teacher to Emmanuel. For four years, Zina helps Emmanuel regain his memory (the brain damage caused amnesia) and discover his true identity as Yah, creator of the universe.

When he's ready, Zina shows Emmanuel her own parallel universe. In this peaceful world, organized religion has little influence, Rybys Rommey is still alive and married to Herb Asher, and Belial is only a goat kid living in a petting zoo.

In an act of kindness, Zina and Emmanuel liberate the goat-creature from his cage, momentarily forgetting that the animal is Belial. The goat-creature finds Herb Asher and attempts to retain control of the world by possessing him and convincing him that Yahweh's creation is an ugly thing that should be shown for what it really is. Eventually Herb is saved by Linda Fox, a young singer whom he loves and who is his own personal Savior; she and the goat-creature meet and she kills it, defeating Belial. He finally discovers that this meeting happens over again for everyone in the world, and whether they choose Belial or their Savior decides if they find salvation.

Characters:

Herb Asher: audio engineer

Rybys Rommey: mother of Emmanuel, sick with MS

Yah: Yahweh

Elias Tate: Incarnation of Elijah

Emmanuel (Manny): Yah incarnated in human form

Zina Pallas: Shekhinah

Linda Fox: singer, songwriter, Yetzer Hatov

Belial: Yetzer Hara

Fulton Statler Harms: Chief prelate of the Christian-Islamic Church (C.I.C), Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church

Nicholas Bulkowsky: Communist Party Chairman, Procurator maximus of the Scientific Legate

VALIS: agent of Yahweh, disinhibiting stimulus

The Transmigration of Timothy Archer - Set in the late 1960s and 1970s, the story describes the efforts of Episcopal Bishop Timothy Archer, who must cope with the theological and philosophical implications of the newly discovered Gnostic Zadokite scroll fragments. The character of Bishop Archer is loosely based on the controversial, iconoclastic Episcopal Bishop James Pike, who in 1969 died of exposure while exploring the Judean Desert near the Dead Sea in the West Bank.

As the novel opens, it is 1980. On the day that John Lennon is shot and killed, Angel Archer visits the houseboat of Edgar Barefoot, (a guru based on Alan Watts), and reflects on the lives of her deceased relatives. During the sixties, she was married to Jeff Archer, son of the Episcopal Bishop of California Timothy Archer. She introduced Kirsten Lundborg, a friend, to her father-in law, and the two began an affair. Kirsten has a son, Bill, from a previous relationship, who has schizophrenia, although he is knowledgeable as an automobile mechanic. Tim is already being investigated for his allegedly heretical views about the Holy Ghost.

Jeff commits suicide due to his romantic obsession with Kirsten. However, after poltergeist activity, he manifests to Tim and Kirsten at a seance, also attended by Angel. Angel is skeptical about the efficacy of astrology, and believes that the unfolding existential situation of Tim and Kirsten is akin to Friedrich Schiller's German Romanticism era masterpiece, the Wallenstein trilogy (insofar as their credulity reflects the loss of rational belief in contemporary consensual reality).

The three are told that Kirsten and Tim will die. As predicted, Kirsten loses her remission from cancer, and also commits suicide after a barbiturate overdose. Tim travels to Israel to investigate whether or not a psychotropic mushroom was associated with the resurrection, but his car stalls, he becomes disoriented, falls from a cliff, and dies in the desert.

On the houseboat, Angel is reunited with Bill, Kirsten's son who has schizophrenia. He claims to have Tim's reincarnated spirit within him, but is soon institutionalized. Angel agrees to care for Bill, in return for a rare record (Koto Music by Kimio Eto) that Edgar offers her.

The Transmigration of Timothy Archer is one of Dick's most overtly philosophical and intellectual works. While Dick's novels usually employ multiple narrators or an omniscient perspective, this story is told in the first person by a single narrator: Angel Archer, Bishop Archer's daughter-in-law.

Characters:

Angel Archer: Narrator, manager of a Berkeley record store, widow of Jeff Archer.

Timothy Archer: Bishop of California; father of the late Jeff Archer and father-in-law of Angel. Dies in Israel, searching for psychotropic mushroom connected with Zadokite sect. Based on James Albert Pike, Dick's personal friend, who was an American Episcopalian bishop.

Kirsten Lundborg: Timothy Archer's secretary and lover. Dies from barbiturate overdose after loss of remission from cancer.

Bill Lundborg: Kirsten's son who has schizophrenia, and who is obsessed with cars.

Edgar Barefoot: Houseboat guru, radio personality, lecturer. Based on Alan Watts.

Jeff Archer: Son of Timothy Archer, and deceased husband of Angel. A professional student who was romantically obsessed with Kirsten.

Thank you, if you read all of this. it took me six hours today to write this all