#//ive been emotionally vulnerable i have to leave again

[allsnarker]

< still mentally grappling with not only am i loved but people like. think about me when im not there (in a good way) whoa. like i know that but whoa.

[cheesit-notes]

Simon Riley + Hand Kisses

tags: kissing obviously, ptsd for simon basically, gn!reader, overthinking simon, simon getting violent at one point, a/n: sorry i was gone for a week! i want to say i worked on stuff but ive been busy with things and this was the only thing i did. im not all that happy with the time to result ratio of this tbh but i love the idea of Simonand hand kisses so enjoy!

Ghost who cannot stand any and all kinds of intimate touches. he doesn’t like intimate touches. no, actually, he loathes those touches. it reminds him of a time he’d really rather forget. there’s no way to really kiss him without having to slowly practice. underneath the mask, he’s nothing more than the emotionally scarred, vulnerable Simon Riley who went through far too much for any human.

the first time both of you technically kissed, you had asked if you could kiss him, he said yes because you looked like you wanted it so badly. the two of you stood awkwardly in his barracks. he’s wondering if he should’ve changed clothes earlier, he just got back and was still in his uniform, probably smelled fowl, but you didn’t say a word. ah, he thought he could handle it. he really did. but to kiss was a lot easier said than done. and he’ll never fully forgive himself for shoving you away slamming you against the wall, and he was choking you. he didn’t actually hit you, you tell him that everyday, but the fact he fully intended to hit you for the moment scared him. plagued with the thought that he truly was no different from his father; he could barely look at you for the weeks following that, much less talk to you. no, he refused to do so much as to stand near you; petrified he wouldn’t snap out of it in time, terrified he’d hurt you.

months later, he asked if it’s alright to try again. the kissing thing, you know? it was months after the previous attempt, you and Simon had already reconciled, as much as possible anyways, so the question left you a little confused. you were happy to, but only if he was really ready. and he said he was, he swore it. although.. looking at you, thinking back about the previous attempt, made him anxious. but he already said he would. so he should? he should stick to his words, right? youd probably think hes a coward. god, a man shouldnt be a coward. and he cant be a coward. and all these thoughts ran through his mind. he doesnt realize he’s zoned out and that you’re staring at him with a concerned look on your face. its not until you decide to speak does he snap back.

“are you sure you want to do this?”

he’s not even sure what to respond. what did he want?  he’s only really thought about what you wanted. it’s not like his wants really mattered in his eyes.

“you know, we don’t have to do this. we can still have a perfectly fine relationship without–”

“no! absolutely, no, we.. we have to kiss.”

he insisted, almost yelling like he’s afraid he wouldn’t be heard. and that you’d leave him because you’d think he couldn’t kiss you, because he couldn't give you of a normal relationship. and you deserved it. you deserved a normal relationship with someone who could give you what you wanted. and god, he wishes he were normal.

anyone could tell he was agitated. honestly, it isn’t easy for you. you could tell he wouldn’t handle it well if you kissed him directly. but if you didn’t then he’d isolate himself, thoughts spiralling like a roller coaster in his mind, and you couldn’t be sure when or where the ride ended. so, grab his hands, hold them in yours, and plant a gentle kiss on each. you hold his hands, looking into his eyes, and for what felt like hours, the two of you stayed put like that. until Simon told you to leave.

it caught you off guard, you’re a little taken back. but respecting his wishes, you leave the room. not even a minute after you leave, Simon slumps against the wall, he can’t stop the hot, burning tears from falling. maybe it was how soft your lips felt against his caloused hands or how careful you were with him, how you knew that he likely wouldn’t react well to either choice and yet you made the perfect one.

Simon Riley who sometimes holds your hand, silently hoping you’d kiss his hand again. he likes it when you give each knuckle a peck. if you bent down on one knee, you’d look like a knight kissing the princess’ hand, and Johnny would say this whenever he saw the chance. Simon Riley who still isn’t ready to kiss you directly, but he’s slowly working on it. Simon Riley who will probably learn to like different types of kisses, but right now, he's smitten over you and your hand kisses that make him feel oh so loved.

next time he holds your hand, give him a kiss, will you?

[chthonicgodling]

‼️🥁‼️🥁

Please give a warm welcome to! The new current babiest of babies! Who we’ve all been waiting for! Via an Elysium Drama Update - finally featuring AND INTRODUCING…..

Say hiii to BABY RØKIA !!!

and his parents: Tory! ELoki! And Maci!

SCREEEEEAAAAMMMSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Born just after midnight on November 19th, (💞making him the Elysium’verse’s VERY FIRST Scorpio yaayyyy💞) at VERY long last + one billion comics later, Loki & his PARTNERS welcomed their son, Røkia, into their arms weighing in at…. Too big and roughly the shape of a wiggly potato. and we (Loki, Maci…… me) are all BAWLING ABOUT IT and ohh hh my ggGODDDD IVE BEEN SO EXCITED TO SHARE HIM WITH YYYOUUU

His name is pronounced “RRUHK-ya,” be sure to roll the R and say it really fast bc it’s more fun that way. (Loki’s a brat and there was zero chance this baby wasn’t getting a Norse name, an argument Maci didn’t even bother to waste breath on lmao)

I’ve been sitting on these drawings for practically the entire year, plus more!!! that I’ll share during the week!!! but I held off on drawing in advance anything FROM Røkia’s actual birth bc who knew how that was going to go. As it was, the event was a rollercoaster— the bulk of this Drama Update beyond the babie is actually text based! Highlights from this night in Elysium— As follows behind the cut!!

• a massive oversight in failing to discuss with EeL any birth plans ahead of time so huge argument ensued when EeL tried to shove Maci and Tory away to gIVE BIRTH BY HIMSELF LIKE HES APPARENTLY DONE EVERY OTHER TIME??? AAUGHHHHHHH????????

• Him conceding and admitting that he. Simply. Wasn’t expecting them to WANT to stay and was caught off guard by the intimacy of it, admitting using Very Good honest communication skills that he lashes out when he’s emotionally overwhelmed (“YEAH WE NOTICED”)

• also. Maci trying to call his bluff on giving birth alone seven times wtf no way. EeL admitting it’s “not for lack of trying from previous partners, they just weren’t as argumentative as the two of you are.” ;fgkfkf.

• so, hurdle crossed! ….then Hurdle IMMEDIATELY faced again when Maci & Tory try to call in midwife Hecate to help him which caused ANOTHER huge and weepier argument which EeL ALSO eventually conceded to. “I’ve always done it myself,” he sobs, in a panic. “Sweetheart you don’t HAVE to 🥺🥺” aahHhhGh

• (also. a choice quote from Maci: “We’ve already established we’re not letting you give birth alone like a sick cat again.” gOd)

• okay everyone gets to stay. Next, Loki using the word “atwain” sincerely in a sentence, Tory laughing in his face about it

•FINALLY Røkia iS BORN AND HE’S SO SQUEAKY AND MEWLY. THIS IS A KITTEN WITH SCALES 🥺🥺🥺 and immediately they’re all in love with him and oh my GOD he’s huge. Tory and Maci respectively cooing— “oh, he’s a chonkster” “oh my god he looks like a potato” — Loki is thankfully starry eyed at THE BABY and DOES NOT HEAR THEM SAY THIS which Maci points out is a bulllet dodged cause he’d kill ‘em ffFGFFK

• like I said last night while I was in lEGIT tears lmfaooo um!! 🥹 Tory realizing that yeah “EeL’s entire everything created an entire dragon” but now he’s HERE and— Røkia’s got Tory’s colors. and him and Maci just going 🥺🥺 that’s right Tory’s in there too

• mush mush mush oh my god oh my god. Trying to get Loki to relax - we’re here we’ll take care of him. It’s okay, we’ve got him. We’ve got you. Maci insisting EeL get some rest— dazed and vulnerable, immediately blowing his standoffish cover for the evening by a weepy plea for them not to go, not to leave him.

• we’re not going anywhere, says Tory; we’re staying right here, says Maci. clinging to him. You made a perfect baby, you did such a good job, we’re so proud of you, says Maci, now get some rest.

• I love you, says Loki. IT’S THE FIRST TIME HE’S EVER SAID IT TO MACI.

• I know, sweetie, sHE rEPLIES FGKFFGKFKF 🙄🙄

• (And an I love you, too, ofcourse. And from Tory.)

hi. Oh my god.

WELL!! more drawings of babie Røkia to follow - more Elysium Drama Updates shall come as more drama trucks inevitably along - thank you all for continuing on this journey with me as an audience while I LOOOOOSE MY MINDDDDD.

Røkia’s currently snoozing and purring curled up on top of all three of his exhausted parents. They love him very much and so do me and Fenixe 😭💞

Stay tuned for more of our lil mush. ah!

[basil-does-arttt]

So yknow how some people make it like Vergil can still hear V and Urizen seperately within himself, kinda like an angel/devil on his shoulder situation?

Yeah ive been thinking about that

V obviously wouldn't have any qualms about being back inside Vergil. Its what he wanted after all, its what he spent the whole of DMC 5 achieving.

Because of V now, Vergil can become less emotionally constipated to say the least. He recognizes vulnerability is a strength and that the people around him actually do want him around.

Urizen, however.. Urizen didn't want this. He wished to discard V entirely, humanity is what makes him weaker and all that bullshit. He would be furious to be back inside of Vergil again, to be mixed with humanity again and, therefore, made weaker.

I can imagine this manifesting as Vergil's demon side ending up harder to control. Maybe he DTs more often without meaning to, especially in the heat of battle where theres plenty of carnage and bloodshed to go around. Maybe he's more irritable than usual, especially toward humans he doesn't know (Lady? Kyrie? Nico? Some rando? Idk.)

Or maybe even, he has these strange urges to destroy everything he's worked so hard for, in realizing that power isn't the most important thing to gain in the world those deep-seeded desires to obtain it only get infinitely stronger, thanks to Urizen's newfound rage.

He can rationalize that these feelings and urges aren't logical of course, that they're just him adjusting to a new life or whatever, and he knows ruining everything now would be a stupid idea to say the least. But he just cant stop those thoughts from invading his mind on the daily. Like intrusive thoughts i guess.

Ill leave my thoughts there and others can expand on it if they want, but yeah...

[skellyflowers]

Makeup By Espera

“How do you do this?” I ask “When I try it looks so crooked!”

“You just need to relax, and practice.”

“Easy for you to say. You only need one swipe for perfect eyeliner!”

“Vesperine has been putting on eyeliner for years. Today is your first time.” Says Nyxia.

“What’s the point of doing anything if I'm not perfect!”

Relicus walks over to me and grabs my chin. She studies my face. After about ten seconds I feel my face getting hot. She then turns my face to the left then right. 

“You did a good job. Just practice more.” Relicus says after a moment.

“Th-thank you.” I whisper.

Vesperine then tosses a pack of makeup wipes on the table in front of me. I take off my eyeliner so I can start over again. When I first asked the ladies if they had any makeup tips they could teach me I didn’t think that I would be doing it over and over again. I was hoping that one of them would just do my makeup for me.

However I know that is not a sustainable idea. I'm not going to want to talk to the ladies every time I want to go out and look nice. I should be able to do my own makeup! I just want to be lazy.

After practicing three more times I decided to take a break. The makeup remover was starting to irritate my skin. Plus I was getting hungry. Before I could tell them I was going to get something to eat, a sandwich was placed in front of me. I love them so much!

“How much makeup experience did you have before this?” Relicus asked.

“Nothing until now.” I said honestly.

“Really? You never asked your mother?” 

“Mom only puts on makeup for special occasions.”

“No older siblings who needed someone to test their techniques on?” Vesperine questions.

“My brother isn't into makeup and I don't have any sisters.”

“No friends you could have asked before us?” Nyxia asks.

“Yes but I was honestly too embarrassed to ask.” I say, as I finish my food. “At that point I felt that it was a skill I should have had already.”

“No need to be embarrassed about asking for help.”

“I know but it’s still hard sometimes.”

Then a pair of arms circle my neck from behind. “You know you don’t have to be so strong around us.” It's Vesperine.

I know. That’s probably why I started tearing up. Nyxia and Relicus come over to me and join the newly formed group hug. Just as I start shaking. It’s really nice to have friends like them. I wasn’t planning on being emotionally vulnerable today. But I know I’m in a safe place.

 Nyxia and Relicus back away once I calm down. Vesperine keeps her hands on my shoulders. I take a deep breath before the quiet is broken.

“Ok. That’s enough practice.” Said Nyxia. “Let’s go watch a movie.”

We all walked to the door to exit the Espera’s room. Just before Nyxia opens the door Relicus speaks up suddenly.

“I wonder how long the Boys have been waiting outside for you?”

I immediately start to laugh at the mental image. Vessel standing just outside the door with no shame. II would probably be down the hallway on his phone. III is most likely next to Vessel but trying to be nonchalant about it. IV trying to get the boys to leave the hall with no success. Once Nyxia opens the door I laugh even louder.

[wisteria-lodge]

unBurnt Lion primary + burnt badger secondary (Bird model)

Hi there! I hope you wouldn't mind sorting me! Sorry in advance if this gets long, and obviously you can delete it and all that.

Im not entirely sure about my primary. Ive always been very opinionated about my beliefs and I have dropped people very quickly if they dont agree with things that are important to me, like 2slgbt+ rights or the environment. I also am not really a fan of communities, because I feel like a lot of the time communities will close ranks around bad people in order to keep the peace, and I think thats unfair.

So far, so Lion.

I dont really feel the need to belong anywhere, but I do like having words for what Im feeling,

So far, responsible Lion.

and oftentimes that means Im identified with communities even when I dont want to be.

Hmmm. Interesting. I wonder if there might have been a period of burning in your past. Burnt Lions will sometimes latch onto groups as replacement moralities.

I have been pretty easy to sway with an opinion - especially when I dont understand whats being talked about, and I have bought into some pretty shitty belief systems in the past.

Lion primaries have been known to be *especially* vulnerable to propaganda. Especially if it's something that skips right over logic and goes right for your heartstrings.

I was *so sure* at the time that I was doing the right thing, even though I know now that I wasnt. I wasnt even convinced out of them with logic, either, despite being convinced by "logic" in the first place.

Since you went and put "logic" in air quotes, I feel pretty good about slotting it up into the "propaganda" category. As for the rest... it's hard for a Lion to logic their way out of something. They've got to *feel* their way out.

It was more like this weird feeling that I was being a shitty person and had to stop (im not sure if this helps, but any time i lie i get this twinge in the back of my neck, and sometimes it helps me figure out if im subconciously lying to myself).

So this is so, so Lion that I'm starting to wonder if you've written a Lion ask on purpose and *want* me to tell you Lion. :D

It took a few weeks and I kind of floundered the whole time after I realized I had been in the wrong, but looking back I can point out little things that had been bugging me that I think just built up until I couldnt ignore it anymore. I think from the outside it looked like a did an 180° turn, and it felt like it at the time, but im very bad at listening to myself and had felt Really Bad for quite some time leading up to the moment I chose to leave. I feel like im still working through a lot of that and trying to be better.

You're doing real good. I think that you had a fairly burned primary for a while, and that's what's messed up up.

(I feel a hell of a lot of guilt about ever believing it in the first place though, and it makes me think that if I have a moral compass its probably really defective, because I shouldnt have ever bought in to any of it. I dont think being in a bad place excuses it either, because it was just wrong all the way down.)

You're not psychic, and your moral compass is fine (although it might not feel that way right now.) Lions take in information just like Birds do, and they can take in faulty information just the same. Only, they process it differently, and favor different kinds of input.

But, doing a serious 180 as a Lion is... like you describe. A long time coming. Very emotionally messy. And the actual transition takes a non-zero amount of time as well.

A really big aspect of my life is my spirituality, and Ive definitely been pretty quick to study and practice anything that seems like it might fit (so long as its not a closed practice, obviously!). Nothing has ever really felt right to me, either because the art and music don't match how I feel about it or because I feel like some really shitty things are in the belief system and I cant stand by and let that happen again. Its like, Im waiting for this "click" to happen and nothing Ive participated in has ever given me that feeling. I cant even describe it properly with words, but I know what Im looking for, I just dont know where it is, which is really frustrating.

Hmm. I wonder if any existing spiritual community is ever going fit you 100%, especially since you're a bit of a loner. You're aloud to use the parts that work for you, and idk - make your own art/music that reflects how you feel.

But this section is making me think a little of the sort of Burnt Lion secondary who needs help/support propping up their own felt impulses, and goes out looking for an existing community/ philosophy that matches perfectly. And then will inevitably be disappointed when their *thing* doesn't match them exactly. I'd keep an eye on that impulse. After all, nothing human-made is completely flawless.

For my secondary, im pretty awful at social situations (thanks neuodivergency!)

You started off with some apologies, which started to make me suspect that you might have a burnt secondary... and I'm becoming more convinced.

so I seriously struggle with trying to see how I react in social situations. I definitely script everything because I know that people dont like it if you say the wrong thing or dont follow all of these weird unspoken rules. My scripts are generally more of an outline of what im supposed to say, or like a mental list of rules to remember (people want eye contact, use these words for teachers and these words for friends, that sort of thing).

Yep. Running scripts. Know all about that. The classic neurodivergent Actor Bird secondary.

I find it a lot more relaxing to be with other neurodivergent people, because then I can just chill and don't need the running commentary. I tend to be fiercely independent and I have been told that I dont keep secrets well - Im a bad liar unless its me lying to myself I guess?

That is your primary talking.

- and I know for a fact that im inflexible as all hell and hate suprise changes. I like to know whats happening and why (again, neurodivergency for the win).

That's definitely neurodivergent stuff. Probably autism spectrum (especially combined with running the scripts.)

In terms of more concrete examples for either my primary or my secondary, my special interest is video games so ill just rapid fire some video game stuff. I love games with a grind, because I like seeing my characters get gradually stronger - but I hate minmaxing and I would rather have fun and play my own way then be efficent.

Well this is sounding like some Badger secondary love of consistent effort, versus the Bird secondary 'work smarter not harder.'

I am also willing to cheat the grind a little but only if I think that the original method is dumb.

Badger.

In one game, they wanted you to collect thousands of items in order to upgrade a character, so I just cheated them in because I didnt want to spend hundereds of hours on it. But had it been a slightly more realistic number, i probably would have just done it the normal way (in another game, I was willing to farm for a few hours to get a really nice hat because it was a smaller time commitment and more fun). I really love games that give you a lot of freedom in where you can go and what you can do, and I like finding little secrets that the developers hide around. I tend to be pretty quick to point out fake doors or other things like that, because I love them a lot.

Still Badger.

When I was a kid I really wanted to be a video game tester because I want to just run into walls and jump around levels and stuff.

Hey, maybe you'd like it, but personally I hated being a game tester, because what you've got to do is play stupidly, and badly, and in ways the game was obviously not intended to be played.

I do notice that I tend to play the same character no matter what game I play, and find it hard to really roleplay as anyone that isnt at least kind of like me personality wise. Like obviously theyre pixelated people, but I dont like the idea that Im hiding my opinions from them and telling them what they want to hear.

I suspect this might be more common with Lion primary people.

This is really difficult in games like dragon age, because confronation isnt my strong suit at all. And you cant run away from scripted cutscenes!

mmmm. "Run away" as a default problem solving method sounds pretty burnt secondary to me.

I know I collect information, and I really like learning about the tings Im interested in (video games, religion, mythology, that kinda thing) but if im not interested I just cant work up the drive to do anything with it at all.

This is "preferred task" stuff, and it definitely gets brought into the neurodivergent mix, especially if there are some ADHD-esque tendencies in there.

Its also never come in handy solving a problem. If anything, I feel like when I have problems my first response is to just freeze and then run away

^ burnt secondary.

but if I cant run then I kind of just do whatever I think of first. Theres probably some wheels turning but in the moment a lot of the time im just thinking "aaaaaaaah".

^ burnt secondary.

When I was trying to figure out where I wanted to go to school, everyone in my life was in my head trying to tell me what I should do. I listened to them because I was tired and angry that I didnt have time to think, and ended up being kind of miserable.

That sounds like tired, burnt Lion primary.

I justified to myself in the moment by pretending that I was having fun, but really I spent most of it wishing I had done something else. Now that Im officially graduated, im trying to break into a craeer that I actually want instead of the one I went to school for, and Im proud of myself for trying to be more open about what I want to do and how I want to get there, even if im not entirely sure about the specifics.

Congratulations. Seriously. It sounds like you're doing a *fantastic* job.

Sorry again for the novel, I seriously appreciate you taking the time to read this.

I think you're going to be just fine.

[tarkenee]

ive been vague and i'll still try to be bc i don't wanna gossip abt my friend but like ive reached my limit idk what to do w this ive been trying to support my friend but FUCK

my friend recently left a long term relationship that was like very committed & serious to them like they already owned pets together n were talking abt starting an adoption process in the next few years etc after the break up we also learned a lot abt the relationship my friend hadn't told the rest of us before n it has been extremely toxic n bordeline abusive so my friend has obviously been going through a lot w different emotions of relief and grief n the aftermath has like actively been traumatizing her so i'm thankful she ended it ofc but. like a day after she broke up w her partner she started going to bars every night n hooked up w this guy she used to know in middle school bc 1 she's coping but 2 at this point she was practically homeless bc she did not feel safe staying at the apartment w her ex n her family was disapproving of the breakup n she was carrying a lot of shame abt it so she took the first semi familiar person n has been staying at his place ever since bc again. she doesn't have a roof above her head otherwise. so she's in this extremely vulnerable state being houseless having just ended a relationship she's had since she was a teen she has literally never been single in her adult life and like i said this break up was traumatic. she needed to have 1 single person to support her both emotionally n physically like this all affected her physical health as well she was Not okay. so like i genuinely belive this guy is the reason she's surviving this. and let it be fucking known that i do not give a fuck that she's immediately hooking up w someone else like for all i care she could've eloped w someone the same day she broke up w her ex n i would not find anything morally wrong w that lol the problem is that this particular guy is absolutely horrid. like not to her he's been taking care of her n been treating her well but he supports this right wing party w alt right members n he himself throws around slurs n shit. so like. at first this ofc made me extremely uncomfortable n i even got scared for her like she's literally living w this dude who she's known only for weeks n she finds out this stuff abt him. regardless she continued staying w him and while that made me uneasy i just don't know what i could've done or what she could've done instead like she was literally homeless, her ex was sending her hundreds of text per day all of which were verbally abusive biphobic degrading things her family wasn't currently on good terms w her she was literally physically too weak to walk bc of how this was affecting her so like i can see how she'd latch on to the first person who shows her decency and who offers her tangible help & a place to stay. ive just been in this uncomfortable head space trying to provide support for her but also just feeling so appalled that she's w this dude. last week she finally got an apartment n can move in it so i was like okay great it's over she's leaving the guy's place finally. come to know that he's fucking moving in w her. AGain i don't caaareeee that they've only known each other for a month if someone wants to move in together at that point i don't care idcidc but i am not okay w it being a person like that n i will never want to associate him n in normal circumstances i also would have already stopped associating w a person who spends time w someone like that. now i'm just so fucking lost n feel also rly betrayed by my best fucking friend bc she's someone ive always trusted n now fucking what. n this is where i just don't know what to do.

like we've been friends for like 14 years so just. dropping her would hurt so much but if she's okay w living w this guy i just cannot be around her like it makes me actually sick to my stomach. i don't want her in my life if she's like genuinely okay w this. but like is that selfish am i wrong to leave her like that considering everything she's going through. like it's about to be a whole month since the break up n she's spend one 1 single day alone in all that time. again i'm not the fucking relationship police i don't care that she's "jumped right into another relationship" i don't CARE but i just cannot imagine that she has in anyway processed & recovered from the trauma the breakup (& the previous relationship caused her) so if she's like. just escaping a codependent toxic relationship n getting trapped in a new one w an awful guy who she literally depended on for food and shelter. shouldn't it be my responsibility as her friend to like confront her n ask her if she understands the type of person he is and if she's really okay w that like what the fuck is her thought process here. but i feel in no way equipped to do that like what would i even say.

also like genuinely not trying to sound self conceited when i say this but she has literally lost everything her relationship her apartment her dog some friends who sided w her ex n even momentarily her family until they came around n she's repeatedly emphasized how grateful she is for our (me n the rest of the friend group) help and support n how we're the only stable thing in her life rn so i'm like sincerely concerned that she'd do smth to herself if i just walked out of her life. like i feel like in the grand scheme of things my reasoning to drop her feels so meaningless n selfish like i'm just choosing some silly values over a friend who's materially suffering rn but that's not true right. like it's not just abt principles right? do i sound superficial for this... i just do not want to associate w some right wing cunts NOR w ppl who choose to live w them.

[jazstudios]

i think i might be just. actively- (whatever the present tense of derealization is) lol

starting to actually dawn on me that this is the only one life we'll (probably) have. the delusions ive been having are dying and im only left to quake at the sight of reality on the horizon and the fact i am so severely underprepared for everything lmao.

ive got the basic outlines out though, basically "work to give my family a good life" to make up for having to put up with me and my mistakes all throughout the years

basically- amount of shitty things they've had to put up with me because of me = the amount of good and joy they'll have in life which im gonna fight tooth and nail to give them. of course i aspire to give them even more yk, but this is the base minimum lmao. tho atp in time even that much is an uphill battle. lol

nothing feels real. right now. and aside from parents doing their normal fighting and one (mom lol) threatening to divorce/run away cuz she for some reason thinks dad cheated on her lmao?

dont worry, he didnt actually lol. this sounds like mad coping, but im being sincere when i say this lol

at first i thought it would actually kill me. ya know. this whole thing? not knowing if that day will the be the last straw for her? if that's the day when my family falls apart? then that thinking leads to "ohh but ur childhood is just a flowery experience that existed solely to you! the experience was entirely different for your family and they maybe dont even look back on those years as fondly as you do! your being delusional again, stop it" then it spirals from there lmao

ugh. idk how to phrase it lmao. this fight thing has been going for months, ya know. since like the start of this year. i hate it but what can ya do, when life gives u lemons? u shove the up ur eyeball🍋 yargg. yah

slight silver lining that came out of this though is that im getting a daily reminder that nothing in life is permanent, even your family! and that hey. sometimes love *isn't* enough. and that hey. vulnerability is scary. too scary. you can't ever trust someone with any of that, you'll never fully know someone. acknowledging your loved ones are their own people is acknowledging they can do as they please and that includes them leaving you. i say to myself this won't impact how i interact with love for the rest of my life, and it might not. it also, might. but eh whose to say

it's scary to think about. parents on the news always say they never could've guessed their kids are capable of let's say- murder, ya? they can never guess it. they don't know. no one does, i dont, you dont. you dont know if your tomorrow your mother will do something truly heinous that'll impact you negatively for the rest of your life. maybe, she doesn't mean for it to. maybe she had no choice. but, that doesn't really do much to change the effect it had on ur life yeah?

it's dumb. love will never be enough on it's own without action to back it up, but what if love is all you have? what if it's all you can give? what if holding out your heart to them, begging and pleading for them to not leave you, to please love you again, isn't enough? .

i dont know the answer. if you find out, hmu lmao.

but. idk even if i know this, i follow the same logic that damned me from the beginning. i do smth else that isn't what i know would be better for me in the long run.

long run plan: emotionally distance, i'll still be present, i'll still be hurt, but i wont die. at least. i think?

short term aka now: ive always been too emotional. too loose with my feelings, too easily attached. it sounds like im fucking flexing right now lmao but i swear im not trying to lmao. regard this whole bit with a "/derogatory" lol. i hate it. it's always lead me to make horrible horrible decisions, chase the wrong things, make nothing of myself.

it's hurt me so much but it's also the only comfort i have sometimes. comfort in fictional characters, they aren't real, but i love them. art, fantasy, anything else that isn't whats happening to me right now. ill probably like it.

it took me a while to realize how much of a stupid fucking cycle it is. how much of an addiction it is, essentially. but it's so hard to make the first fucking step forward. i easily imagine how i want to be and such, but again, delusions. lol

in my head. sometimes no time passes. sometimes stuff isn't real. sometimes technoblade didn't die (his always had a shit upload schedule lmao so it's easy, sometimes.). sometimes, i imagine, i can be myself but, better. what i imagine "a lover, artist" but someone you'd actually want to be around. ya know? not awkward. not distant. just, something that isn't me right now

sometimes i imagine i can stay how i picture it. happy, innocent, lovely and emotional. kind and friendly. i always liked pacifist route frisk who found a solution to everything, because of this lmao. even if it was impossible, instead of just accepting it gracefully and letting it remain memory of the past, sometimes i imagine getting ugly about it. barefist fighting against reality, fighting time. fighting the world. and sometimes, i imagine. it actually makes a difference. that it wasn't pointless

i don't know. im losing myself but i dont know if ive ever even knew who i was. was i ever anything more than failed expectations and concepts? i dont know. youd ask any of my old classmates who i am, and if they remember me, they might be able to tell you something. if you asked me, id have answer. a mistake, in all functionality of the word. not stretching, not dramatizing, quiet literally a bastard child and ive thought over it for months and i can safely say, if i was never conceived, that my family (tho they never would've been together) would be so, so happy in life

one half of me tears apart at this, they'd be so much happier right? but the other is the somber truth-ish that realizes the futility of it all. there'd be no point in killing myself tomorrow, ive already existed. ive already made marks and my death will have it's consequences. if i really want to repent for the sin of being born, then i should work myself to death for them. as an apology. (funny how they might not even stay together lmao, ah well i can just wire money to diff places ig if they move away lol) then after the last member of my direct family dies, i can just go find some random ditch and off myself lmao. i dont know. when I was like 12 i always planned to kill myself by 30 yk? death scared me, if god doesn't exist then where will my parents go? (i didn't really care about me lmao. im scared of the passage of time, but i welcome my eternal damnation with open arms lol) idk. aethiesm scared me. cause at that point (still do, mostly) i didnt believe in god per say. but then, there came the mortal issue, how to deal with death? at the time, i just thought that religion stemmed from the human fear of death. so people made up a god to comfort themself. i didn't blame them, how could you? reality hurts. it kills. i wish i could believe like they do. but i dont

eh whatever, i just dont think about it much. i cant picture a time where my parents will die. that they wont be there. i can see id probably spiral trying to cope, maybe die from alcoholism or smth else lol. but at point in time, it might sound a bit bad to say but once my first family member dies, i kind of hope the others follow soon. so i dont have to stick around either. typing this now, it makes me think, and thinking makes me want to claw my heart out of my chest but i dont have the capacity to feel much right now. it's like it's all blocked or heavily fogged up lol

it's hard. to remember other people. are real, ya know? is that weird to say? probably. time passes without you knowing it, i don't know. i have a lot i want to say but it's pretty much impossible to even pick out a string of words to start with

i don't know. ive loved people sure, but they're usually my friends lmao. im never sure if i really truly love them or if i just like the idea of them i have in my mind. ive loved in specific, for maybe like 2 years now lmao? not sure. there's the, do i actually like her enough to confess and risk our friendship? if i say no, is it because i dont actually like her or just cuz im 'shy' (lol)?

sometimes i imagine, idk that we lived close to each other or something, that i actually know who you are in real life, i imagine then id probably be able to distructure or solidify my, currently just random disconnected fluffy bits, of feelings lmao. idk. i love you, yeah i can say that with confidence

but is it romantic? what even is romantic love? isn't romantic love, just platonic love with extra steps? do i insist on it because i truly want to be actively in love with you or is it just the kind of love that will have to be satiated by knowing the subject of affection (in this case you lmao) is living a happy life? even if you did actually say yes, would i be able to meet the image of a 'healthy relationship' in my head? that takes communication, that takes work, i imagine i can do it but reality says otherwise lmao. idk. i love you enough to not want to do something that shitty to you. i want you to be happy, i want for you to be happy and secure and confident in your existence. i never want to see you where i am right now lmao, but i can't exactly stop it either way. it's a human experience i guess? and that's not even counting the "holy shit your being so parasocial and weird ew" i assure you the voice in my head abt this is plenty lmao.

but yeah. i love you. i'd send you flowers or even my heart if you wanted, i dont know if im joking but i dont know if i actually mean it, in the sense i dont know if im feeling the emotions i think i should be when saying something like that. i want my words to count for something, but how do i do that when i spend all my breathe trying to make up for my lack of action lmao.

but yeah, pretty much takeaway, i love you. now that i know you exist in the world, somewhere out there i dont know if i could go back to before i knew about you lol. i don't know if it's romantic or platonic, i don't know if i should pursue it or let it fade. but if you asked me take my last breathe then mail you my lungs, i probably would - let's half the shipping costs tho lmao. if you asked me to do something horrible and went against my entire sense of self, i also probably would. i dont know. the idea of it being for someone i love calms the possible thoughts of anxiety lmao. if you asked me to write you endless poetry, i probably would too, not saying it'd be good ofc but well, lol.

i'll be here, as long as you stick around. even if the day comes, you do move on with your life and this blog gets abandoned, ill still be here probably, just missing you a whole lot.

everything's confusing. everyday's its own battle and all it takes is one loss, lol.

ah well, i'll live my life loving you, i think ill be happy at least, having said this much

i love you a lot jaz, wholeheartedly i do

this entire ask is weird, feel free to leave out and not answer anything you want. dont even have to answer this if you want. answer and publish it, toss it into the void. anything's fine, im sorry i told you all this lol. idk, charades and distance and reality can only be stiffling for so long before i lost it and do something impulsive like send you this lmao. i'm not looking for your pity or sympathy, don't worry abt that part lol/genuine/lighthearted

i just. needed an outlet. i guess. haphazardly thrown together as this ask is. this is already more than i could've ever asked lmao, being able to speak all this out into the world, somewhere, to someone. thats all really

i love you so much jaz. take care, even if not that then please live to see tomorrow. i hope you have so, so many wonderful tomorrow's ahead of you. i love you

i settle with thinking about how our hypothetical relationship would probably all up burst in flames because of me LMAO. it's fun to think about. i love you, ill be here for you. im sorry im telling you all this

im severely aware of how unwarranted, weird, parasocial, delusional and arguably cruel this whole thing is. im pretty much objectifying you, i wish i knew you but that's another thing that's probably gotta have to stay in the "keep delusions inside till they die" room lol. im sorry. for all this.

i love you, im sorry i keep saying it lmao, it gets annoying and this whole thing is already bothersome enough as is. this whole thing isn't me trying to guilt trip you or anything btw, sincerely i apologize if it does come off that way.

i always said to myself "you can't claim to truly love someone, if your willing to let their wellbeing rely on risk." pretty much risking how negative this might impact your mind or mood, im sorry. im a hypocrite. i really do truly love you, i dont know why im telling you all this, im sorry jaz, i love you

please live a life you won't regret in the end, im sorry for asking you something like this.

thank you for existing in the same period as me, it's already a chance in a million. thanks also for having the anon option in your tumblr lmao, i probably would've never said any of this to you. im sorry i did, again, btw.

i love you sincerely, jaz. that much i can say, and i know ill have been honest with myself

i love you so so very much

Anon I'm not a very good comforter for things like these, I don't have a way with words even though my favourite subject is English. But let me just say this, anon.

You are an incredibly talented person, you are special to the people who love you, you are beautiful, you are kind, and most of all, you are a very loving person. You're probably one of the most romantic people I know, anon! I love your poetry, I love your use of words. I love the asks you send me every now and then and they make me extremely happy. You are worth it.

I love you anon. I love you in a way that my mom slices apples for me to eat, I love you in a way that my cousins play Roblox with me. I love you, even if it was platonic or romantic. I love you. Saying it won't mean that you're in love with them instantly, no! It's just- we love.

I wish I lived near you as well, wherever you may be. Or whoever you may be. It's okay if you won't reveal yourself, that's alright with me. As long as you are alive and well, as long as you take care of yourself, as long as you're safe- that's enough for me, anon. You love so much, and I consume all of the things you write to me, the things you say. Because I love them, because I love you.

Please be safe, take care, I love you, anon

[nyxi-pixie]

double byler are so funny (this is actually not funny at all they make me sad) bc both pairs have relationships in which theyre very dependent on each other for emotional comfort so when theyre apart their relationships suffer pretty badly

both jancy and byler have been shown to have a bond based at least partially on shared trauma. w jancy murray even goes as far as to say its like the main reason they shld get together which. hmm. but yk more to my point. and byler constantly have heart to hearts because theyre each others emotional rock and this probably goes back further than UD shit bc wills been TraumaMan for his whole life (and feels mike is the only one who he can be emotionally vulnerable with without being babied or treated like hes weak-s2 kinda suggests mikes been there for him in Will Byers Trauma Times TM before). thanks lonnie😒😒

its v obvious w mike and jonathan actually bc neither of them seem to talk to anyone else about their issues. like will leaves and mike immediately devolves into isolating himself and straight up depression because clearly theres some family issues which prevent him from opening up abt his feelings (he hugs karen like 3 times in the whole show but he Never talks to her abt shit. despite her attempts to get him to open up that one time w her queer coded as fuck lil speech. anyway repressed lil emo mike only ever opens up with will. so no will=no talking abt emotions=unhealthy michael.)

and jonathan turns to weed (and argyle omg theyre bfs so true) because he wont turn to his family for support bc hes unhealthily selfless and doesnt want to burden them with his issues (likely due to the parentification. oh boy someone help him) but he and nancy understand each other bc theyve been through the same shit (which also means they dont feel like they burden each other bc like. u cant burden someone if theyre already sharing the weight yk?) but seperation=losing that support so their relationship, which relies so heavily on that mutual understanding, suffers.

nancy and will are doing a little better individually. because guess what: they have HOBBIES.(jon also does but he seems to have abandoned it. rip his i wanna take a pic era. and mike has d&d but in the between time between oh no wills gone and oh yay eddie my beloved, hes doing shit. and even w d&d his grades are still affected by his mental place and his rooms super messy so like. doing better but still not great.)

we see that wills super into art (which is known to be therapeutic so double woo points) again after doing it less in s3. and he seems to be specifically using it to deal w his sad gay feelings (channelling shit like the introspective king he is 🤩). also hes got people other than mike to offer emotional support. even with jonathan not available, he can still talk to joyce (st character with positive relationship w a parent❗holy shit how rare❗❗). also its will. if hes in his feels hes just gonna vibe with it. 'oh misery my best friend lets hang out for a bit 😍😍' (prolly bc jonathan put his whole jonussy into making sure will was okay w having emotions. as a part of his mission to spite lonnie. SLAY KING) compared to the wheelers who are like 'um what the fuck is an emotion ive never felt one i swear. wdym u saw me crying yesterday🤨?? no u literally didnt that was my evil twin😒.'

anyway that brings me to nancy. who. yk shes doing Okay. the second anyone brings up jon shes about to commit crimes against them so yk not totally good but coping. bc she kinda just full body throws herself at that school newspaper stuff so she has a distraction and its working okay. until her new friend-w-glasses-destined-to-die- horrifically, dies horrifically.

but then she has emotional support through surrounding herself w people who Get It. (woooo robins around and nancy feels comfortable for once!!!!) i mean shes also almost reverting to steve bc nancys trauma response is just 'i can only ever be emotionally vulnerable with romantic partners bc i havent had a friend since s1 and my family dont know shit abt the monster dimension (plus ted is actually just a cardboard cutout with a robotic voice box that blurts out 1 of 10 phrases on a timer). apart from mike. but idk hes busy crying over his bf and we can never open up to each other in a genuine way bc repression is the Wheeler Way To Slay' but yk shes at least partially coping.

but their relationships basically get totally fucked bc oh no if we cant have heart to hearts in physical proximity we are going to Die. also communication without magical telepathy through eye contact??? whos she??? (esp w byler. u cant have effective coded conversations over the phone. and theyve got all their other reasons for not talking: will doesnt wanna reach out first and have mike brush him off bc oh dear the 3x03 fight really fucked with him didnt it. and mikes desperately trying to call but for fuck sake how is their phone always busy. and he wont use letters bc idk hes too gay for that he keeps signing them w 'love mike. ps im in love w u in case u didnt get that😍😍😍')

and jancy. oof. jons like 'i have to appease literally everyone in my life apart from myself and i cant do that bc yay nancy means boo family and yay family means boo nancy so now i think i will have a crisis bc if im honest with her she will Hate me. yes i am so rational' and nancys like 'wtf is going on does he hate me or smthn. i am also totally rational' and they wont talk abt it bc theyre scared of pissing each other off. (and have no example of healthy relationships to follow)

basically. double byler are codependent in a way that isnt Necessarily unhealthy - in fact when around each other, they seem to do better Because of that reliance on each other. it allows them to be emotionally vulnerable in a way that they cant be w anyone else (even will who has like the most supportive family ever <3 still feels most comfortable being open w mike as evidenced by his talk w jon in s2).

BUT. seperation fucks over their relationships and their individual mental health. and thats where the unhealthy aspect comes in. bc over reliance on one person is gonna Fuck Shit Up. (it wouldnt be so bad if they still communicated regularly thru letters and phone calls but yk self hatred is a bitch and theyre all very insecure.)

[suhmayzooka]

brooding batdad and his slightly more emotionally intelligent robins

"i don’t mind being a team with solo careers. in fact, i want it that way... maybe i’ll avoid what dick grayson went through—forced to leave just to find out who i am... so i don’t need to be at your side every time. just don’t freeze me out completely.”

“never.”

in this issue (batman #526) alfred comments that bruce has been working alone lately, and this is in the wake of knightfall so we’re all concerned with bruce overworking himself. bruce admits he’s still grieving jason 

and is concerned tim robin is a liability on the field (bruce: “maybe i’m still affected, being too cautious, but whether the problem is tim or me, robin can be a distraction”)  because crime’s getting more dangerous and he won’t lose another robin again dammit

turns out he knew tim was within earshot of this but since it’s so emotionally vulnerable he would rather discuss his deep feelings via facilitating tim’s eavesdropping instead of, like, talking to tim directly. of note this is like 10 issues after prodigal where the climax of that was dick and bruce's Moment

“i didn’t have the right to call you back” “...the right? i’d die for you, bruce.” (ಥ﹏ಥ) 

“but that’s the way it always is, isn’t it? between fathers and sons.” yeah okay this is like one of my favorite scenes ever and ive only been in this fandom for a few months and my heart’s skewered IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT DC

and then two of my other fav scenes of (1) dick yelling at bruce for making jason robin only for bruce to admit that he was lonely after dick left and (2) dick yelling at bruce after jason died only to get bruce’s fist in his face. 

(side note, yes obviously it is not good to hit your kids and i cringe whenever bruce lifts a hand to hit them but he’s very distressed and the grief the pain the angst the hurt it’s so RAW this is why people like soap operas, we want DRAMA. unless the comic’s written by one of the... less good writers... there’s narrative reason for bruce to hit his kids. i won’t get into where i stand on the “is bruce an abusive father” discourse)

back to batman 526, ofc a few pages later batman and robin defeat the bad guys and tim takes the initiative on the ride home to tell bruce his feelings

god i love this family the robins are so integral to bruce as a character and as a person, they force him into these uncomfortable Emotionally Vulnerable moments where he has to admit that he has feelings. honestly i think bruce wouldve died a few years into the job without robin but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

there’s the constant pattern of bruce acting out like this, pushing the robins away out of his own grief and fear and pain, and it’s especially explicit here with him quietly trying to keep tim away because he’s not over jason, and never will be. it’s just something i find interesting about bruce’s character—pushing people away not because he’s the cold brooding bat but because he’s scared to lose them. it's all trauma

i do appreciate tim flat out stating that he’s fine working more as a team with individual solo careers—that’s how i personally see and prefer the batfamily, rather than one group that has to be together for every case 24/7, but to each their own

anyway i have no thesis or anything, it’s like 10pm and i just finished class and wanted to vomit my bat feelings into the tumblr void

[jemmo]

choosing to believe they're doing a fake-breakup. it wouldnt make sense for their characters but neither does a real one so

ok anon after sleeping on it and finally doing my rewatch (which hurt A LOT, just as much as the first time), ive gotta say i rlly dont know. the preview leaves a lot to be interpreted. everything could be taken at face value and equally be explained away so its a preview i cant really dig into bc i feel like its intention is to send us spiralling into madness.

what i can do is try and gauge the story they're trying to tell knowing now what we got from ep 11 and certain things that'll be said and things we'll see in ep 12. my instant response to that preview upon first watch was what?? no?? thats not it, its not happening, it cant be real. this is all a ruse, its a joke, its fake. but upon my rewatch, contextualising everything through a new lens knowing whats in that preview, i can see the narrative threads coming together. i dont exactly know how to put it into words at the moment bc its all still v fresh and raw, but its like... i see both resignation and defiance if that makes sense??? i see an acknowledgement and acceptance of all the facts plain and simple, both those that are wonderful and beautiful and those that are unfair and hurtful. them running away was always a break to process, never a solution, and thats what they have to do. they have to take it all in and slowly over the ep i do see a coming to terms. but they also come to terms with the extent of their love and commitment.

i've watched some scenes a couple of times, mainly the kiss and the scenes in the bed (not to objectify but bc i think they're honestly beautiful and resonated with me a lot), and upon multiple watches i saw them differently every time. i see it first as what it is simply, an act to reaffirm and express their love. but then i see it as a stolen moment to be that close before everything is torn away. then i see it as as an act of defiance, as in no matter what the world tries to take from them they cant change the fact they've had that, been that close, been together. then i see it as vulnerability, them being in a place, an environment that feels safe for them, being with a person they can trust whole heartedly to bare their soul to. and its a lot more things and i dont know what it meant to them, if it was none of these or all of these, but i guess what im trying to say is that this ep wasn't simply an ode to a relationship destined to be lost. in bittersweetness there's also kind of rebellion, bc bittersweet moments are made when you know you shouldnt do something but do it anyway. in this ep in all its emotional moments i see unbreakable and unparalleled strength. and you can predict from that what you like. you can believe that means they will not break up, they have a plan, they will not let the world separate them again. or you can believe that they break up but that strength will live on and be the life force that pulls them towards the inevitability of them coming back together. im not in the headspace for prediction, but the fact i can see that strength still is enough for me.

and to get back to your ask, i think i ultimately dont know what i 'choose' to believe. a fake break up almost feels too much like a punch in the face, like i dont want this to be solved with more lies and deceit, especially not from pat and pran who have always had that forced on them and vehemently tried to reject it. and it feels like a cop out to have such an emotionally heavy ep and leave us with those crumbs to have it be fake. i know they like to mislead and play us with previews sometimes, but we're at a place where i don't want to play games, not with this much at stake. so i believe its real, bc as much as that hurts, i can see it. i said before id accept a break up if it made narrative sense. and after ep 10 it didnt make narrative sense to me, but i think that was my optimism talking. i believed in that moment that these two boys wanted to take on the world and fight it, but the enemy has always felt too big. its like they saw the monster in the distance and felt strong enough to fight it, but when you're right in front of it and its 10x bigger than you and you're faced with something that feels insurmountable, i just... i dont want them to be blamed for being weak. not everyone can take everything on. theyve both had the weight of the world thrust upon their shoulders for too long and being together only makes the weight heavier in some ways, bc you want to carry it for that other person even if it crushes you. thats a horrid truth, and at some point exhaustion kicks in and you just have to remove yourself. you have to see the world beyond those two houses on that street and realise yes there's places we could be together but that life is more complicated than that, and beyond those houses is also university and work and friends and family and everything else.

thats the thing about love, and specifically pat and pran's love. its always been so self contained for them, and that amplifies that feeling of it being the be all and end all, the feeling its the most important feeling in the world. but from the outside you can never know what its like on the inside. you look at other's love as something simple, small, just another facet of life. we've been allowed inside and we see it for how huge it feels for them, and thats why its hard for us to reconcile with the fact that now they're letting it go for something else. happiness should not have to come at the expense of pain, but sometimes it does, so what do you do?? what do you do when all options lead to hurt?? when the world feels so hostile to everything you are and wanna be, whats the step forward?? whats the sacrifice you have to make?? i think that sacrifice is time. they dont want to sacrifice people, their families or each other, so they sacrifice time, with a belief that time is enough to fix, time can mend, time can reunite as it has before and when it comes, that the best way to defy the world is to not look back on the time lost, but the time you have ahead, where finally the brightness of the future can shine.

(sos this was soooo ranty but this is the first times im putting my thoughts into words and theyre very messy and emotionally charged and my head and heart are fistfighting but yeah... its a lot)

[luimnigh]

ive seen people talk abt winter defecting to team salem yet i cant quite see that happening, perhaps im wrong. what're your thoughts? do you think she might?

Oh, I absolutely believe Winter is going to defect to Team Salem. 

The thing is, Jacques was never going to be Weiss’ villain. For as much power as he has, he ultimately a) never posed a physical threat, which is kinda anathema to an action-oriented show like RWBY, and b) the power he held over Weiss was pretty damn easily broken. He did it himself in Volume 4. Once Weiss was disinherited, there was nothing holding her back from just leaving. 

So the question presented ended up being “Who is going to be Weiss’ villain?”

Weiss’ struggle has always been about her family. Her initial goal was to redeem her family’s name, and honestly I do still believe that’s something she wants to do. But just like she’s more than just a name, the name is more than just her, and bringing her family name back into the light involves bringing her family back into the light. 

So her struggle has effectively always been about bringing her family back together. So the villain in her story has to be someone standing in the way of that. 

Whitley is a kid with no combat training. Willow was basically an unknown until her first appearance.  

So, that leaves Winter. 

While everyone else in Weiss’ family has been distanced from her by Jacques’ abuse, Weiss and Winter have always been displayed as tight-knit. She’s Weiss’ mentor, the person who taught her to be a Huntress, the person who helped her escape. 

But Winter also works for the Atlesian Military, who have screamed “Eventual Bad Guys” since their introduction. She was strict, she was quick to anger, and she was loyal to General Ironwood. 

She was also a mentor figure in a show all about a new generation coming in and saving the world from the mistakes of the past. 

And to top it all, it would absolutely hurt Weiss more if Winter was her villain than anyone else. 

So the idea that Winter would be Weiss’ villain has been there for quite a while. The question then has been how she would go from beloved mentor to opposing force. A lot of ideas have been thrown against the wall in the intervening years, but now we’ve reached the point where the path forward looks obvious:

Winter is currently compromised to hell and back. Both physically and emotionally. She is absolutely conflicted about what she’s doing: she can see Ironwood is going off the deep end, but she still trusts him, still loves him as her surrogate father; her destiny has been pulled out from under her; the Kingdom she is sworn to protect is under attack; she has been asked to kill a friend, arrest her sister, be party to the violation of her best friend’s bodily autonomy, and go on a suicide mission all on the same day; and now she’s effectively let enemies of the state escape her custody twice. 

But she has been taught to suppress her emotions, to suppress her doubts, to never question authority. To follow orders. 

Everyone is reading the foreshadowing right: she is absolutely uncomfortable with what Ironwood is asking her to do. She is absolutely at her breaking point.

But she’s not heading towards Weiss. 

Weiss is always going to be the person that gets Winter to defect. To leave Atlas behind and come be a family. Because Winter’s joining the heroes is as much a part of Weiss’ arc as it is Winter’s. 

But she’s not heading towards Weiss. 

When Ren looks at them with his empath-vision, Ren sees that both Marrow and Winter are uncomfortable with their situation, that they don’t want to be there anymore. But while Marrow’s emotions are certain, one colour, moving in one direction; Winter’s are all over the place, multiple colours, moving in every direction. Marrow is sure of what he wants, but Winter isn’t. 

But she’s not heading towards Weiss. 

Winter, right now, is at her most malleable. Her most susceptible. Her most vulnerable. She is at a tipping point, and a push could send her in any direction right now. If Ironwood knew what he was doing, he could do something that would secure her loyalty, just like Salem did to Cinder. Similarly, if Weiss were here, this would be the easiest time to convince her to come home, to be a family again. 

But she’s not heading towards Weiss. 

She’s heading towards Salem. The master manipulator. Who knows exactly how to break a person and get them on-side. Who has lived through very similar circumstances to Winter: an abusive father, a heroic rescuer, their paths diverging, and losing faith in that rescuer. 

Anyone in Winter’s situation would be ripe for manipulation by Salem. The way to not be manipulated is to be surrounded by people who love and care for you, who are willing and able to talk you down from the ideas Salem would put in your head. But Winter is isolated, surrounded by people she doesn’t fully trust, with the two people she loves the most, who’d have the best chance of stopping any manipulation, currently stuck in Schnee Manor. 

So I fully expect Salem to turn her. I fully expect Winter Schnee to be an antagonist going forward, and for this to utterly break Weiss’ heart. And I fully expect Weiss to never give up on her sister, and eventually convince her to step back into the light. 

[litcityblues]

"The Borders of Infinity" --A Review

You know, I didn't set out to become a Vorkosigan Saga Tumblr account, but I guess that's what I've become, considering how fast I'm running through the Vorkosigan Saga. I had been meaning to double back and catch up on the Novellas and garnered a few opinions from the interwebs about the best reading order for the Saga and decided to skip Ethan of Athos (for now- I'll get to it eventually.)

I had to take a quick trip up to the Mayo Clinic with Medium Spawn and since he had a tablet to entertain him, I snagged this from Audible and let the comforting tones of Grover Gardner's excellent narration accompany me on the drive up.

This volume is actually a collection of three novellas, "The Mountains of Mourning", "Labyrinth" and "The Borders of Infinity"-- smashed together in one volume, they're tied together with a loose framing device- namely Miles being debriefed by his boss, the head of Imperial Security Simon Illiyan who wants to get to the bottom of what Miles has been up to, as he's run up quite a tab and his expenses are becoming a political football that his boss, his father and the Emperor don't need- someone wants to audit his activities and Illiyan wants a full accounting.

So, Miles flashes back to the first novella, "The Mountains of Mourning."

According to Wikipedia, this chronologically falls between The Warrior's Apprentice and The Vor Game and finds Miles newly graduated from the Imperial Academy and is taking leave at Vorkosigan Surleau with his parents. A woman from an isolated rural village in their district shows up, appealing to Count Vorkosigan for justice for the murder of her baby, who was born with a cleft lip and palate but otherwise healthy.

Miles' father, Aral Vorkosigan sends him to investigate as his Voice (representative with full powers) to get to the bottom of the mystery. Miles does so- but not before he's forced to confront the deep-seated prejudices that parts of Barrayar have against 'mutation' and ponder how to provide justice and mercy to parts of Barrayar that are the slowest and most resistant to change.

Full credit to Bujold with this one: the ending was unexpected and got the old 'allergies' flaring up. (The end of 'The Warrior's Apprentice' got me as well.)

The next novella is "Labyrinth" which gets a little weird and got me to raise an eyebrow or two now and again. This adventure introduces the reader to the planet of Jackson's Whole, where Miles and company are supposed to be buying weapons, but in reality are trying to get geneticist Dr. Hugh Canaba to leave his current employer to go work for Barrayar. Canaba won't leave unless he gets experimental samples that he injected into the thigh of a prototype super soldier he developed and sold to Baron Ryoval, who Miles managed to offend.

This leads to the inevitable break in, where Miles to discovers the Super Soldier is female, and despite a fearsome appearance, intelligent and emotionally vulnerable and she challenges Miles to make love to her to prove that he believes that she's human and Miles, having a weakness for tall strong women does so and offers her a name (Taura) and a job with the Dendarii and the escape.

What raised my eyebrow? Well, Taura the super soldier may age super fast, but her given age in the book is sixteen which seems... a little sketch. But other than that, this is Bujold getting weird with genetics and cloning and stuff in a much more compelling way than we saw in 'Cetaganda' (which was interesting, but in a more ethereal way.)

Finally, we get 'The Borders of Infinity' which I loved, because it grabs you and dumps you right into the thick of things. Miles has allowed himself to be captured by the Cetagandans and thrown into a maximum security prison camp on Dagoola IV. The Cetagandans have invaded and occupied the planet Marillac and Miles is looking to get one of their captured commanders out to form the nucleus of resistance to hopefully liberate the planet from Cetagandan control.

When he arrives, he's promptly beaten up and his clothes are taken, so naked, he has to make a friend- in this case, Suegar an apparent religious fanatic who quotes his 'scripture' (taken from The Pilgrim's Progress according to Wikipedia, though I don't think that's made clear in the text itself) and thanks to making friends with some key players- including Tris, the leader of the female prisoner he eventually wins them over and gets them to start rehearsing for quick embarkation (disguised as a food distribution procedure.) Miles gets a signal through to his fleet and eventually, the Dendarii Fleet arrives and stages the largest mass breakout in history-- as a result, the Cetagandans (obviously angered by this) place a price on Naismith's head.

Overall: I really love the framing device for this collection and I love the novellas themselves. I think I'd put 'The Mountains of Mourning' first, followed by 'The Borders of Infinity' and then 'Labyrinth' but they're all good and I'll ask again: how the hell has no one adapted this for the screen yet? This is like begging for a streaming service to adapt.

Also, you'll never believe this, but I'm already digging into Brothers in Arms. (Surprising, huh?)

My Grade: **** out of ****

[aonogifreactions]

Hug Headcanons: Revisited

a/n: ive felt like i should rewrite this for a while now. i hated seeing those stuped ~180 words, so.. thats why were here! xD i added yukio to the mix as well, since ive gotten this ask >:) huge thanks to @no-remorse​, who beta-read it for me <33

Tiny edit: I’d love to hear the feedback for this one! <3

Warnings: Spoiler in the last headcanon in Yukio’s part!

★ Characters: Rin, Yukio, Mephisto, Lucifer, Amaimon, Astaroth.

★ Words: 2,1k.

Rin:

no matter where, who’s watching, or what had happened before, he’s gonna give you a big, big hug! he absolutely lives for your hugs, it soothes him emotionally so much and works as immediate relief.

almost always his one hand wraps around your waist, while the other one goes on your head as he nuzzles into your neck; his hugs are always tight, almost as if you were about to get taken away from him - he doesn’t really feel like that inside, but.. he likes feeling that you’re here. present. for him.

after a fight, he immediately runs into your arms and almost makes you both fall on the ground as you nearly lose your balance when his arms wrap around you; feeling your embrace, your warmness.. something in his mind switches right away and he’s calm. he’s still shaking, but it gradually stops as he relaxes in your arms.

at first, he might be a little shy, but when he gets comfortable, he can’t keep his arms away from you. He just.. loves feeling you. hugs make him somewhat vulnerable, because he lets his frustration out, and at the same time - Rin gets an extreme dose of serotonin. He tends to place his forehead on yours just before he loosens his hold on you, and eventually moves on do to his things.

depending on your height, he still loves hugging the same! if you’re short - during hugging, he also places his cheek on your head, leaving a soft kiss on your hair. if you’re tall - he loves!! hugging!! into your chest!! or whatever he reaches!! he’s just snuggling into you like a madman.

he gets butterflies in his stomach when you hug him from behind and almost starts stuttering. (do it when he's cooking or sumn,, but u didn't hear it from me) 

also, please, PLEASE wrap your arms around his neck. he’s gonna MELT.

Yukio:

his hugs are rare, but it’s not like he doesn’t touch you - it’s just Yukio being Yukio; hugs make him vulnerable, similarly to Rin, except that it’s Yukio’s way to “open up” about his problems a little. It’s surely a very small step forward, but it shows that he's trying, yet he doesn’t realize how much it actually helps him.

he prefers to hug somewhere where there are not so many people around, not necessary in private completely, but as long as you’re the only one with him in the room, he’s down for a hug if he feels like it (or you beg him enough lol).

he’s usually silent during hugging, but he really “quietly” lets his frustration out, you might even catch him sighing. at first, he embraces you with only one arm and places his head on your shoulder, but when it hits him - the emotions, that he’s been waiting for years and now he’s finally able to tell someone everything - he’s almost crying, but he intertwines his other hand with yours instead. even though there are no real words shared, his love language involuntarily shows the beauty of his complicated personality.

now, he’s a little “unwilling” to hug you, mostly because of all that emotions crashing on him, but he feels so much better afterwards.. it’s unreal, he feels like you used some kind of magical spell on him.

the worst time to hug him is probably when he’s angry - and while it seems like a totally normal thing, it doesn’t work as comfort for him - it makes him even more upset, so it’s really best to leave him alone for some time. he knows your intentions are good though, so usually, he comes back to you with a calmed mind and apologizes.

I picture his S/O being in this mess in chapter 126, where the twins just beat the shit out of each other, and suddenly Yukio’s s/o comes up to him and stops from shooting Rin - he’d have that mental wall blocking him from hurting you in any way, just when he realizes he points his guns at your face or grabbing his hands and attempting to get Rin out of his target range - both of those things and any similar scenarios would end up with him looking at you with those beautiful, yet unfortunate eyes showing so much pain and sadness, along with that broken expression on his face, hoping to understand him.

Mephisto:

we’re gonna have fun here. hugging with Mephisto is pretty common, he likes touching you physically and doesn’t really care if people see it - he’ll push boundaries as far as he can, but unless it’s someone or something really important, he stops and gets serious. 

^unless it’s Arthur, he could politely knock on the door. Hearing the permission to come in, the first thing he sees is Mephisto hugging you with a hand on your lower back, heading dangerously onto your ass while casually giving him random papers and smirking at him. wow.

if you think the twins’ grip was tight, Mephisto’s gonna literally try to squish you into his body - it’s not hugging if your bodies aren’t touching themselves in EVERY possible way. You could be practically glued to him and he won’t complain - in fact, he’s gonna have that shit-eating grin and tease you by saying “hmm, aren’t you needy, darling? you can’t be away from me even if I work!” (even if.. it was him who called you over...)

he GETS handsy and you can’t do anything about it. and he really does it on purpose, just to tease you and see how much time it takes for you to get either horny or snap at him. nonetheless, he likes to place hands around your waist or just on your hips, then shove you into him, so he’s able to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.

hugs definitely show his rather “softer” side, the silly one - but he also doesn’t hesitate to hug you when he’s serious; these hugs, however, tend to be quicker but more intimate. even if it’s just him standing next to you and placing his hand on your hip while watching the dark sky, stars flickering slightly as you feel a slight, cold breeze hit your face; you look at him, wondering what he’s thinking about, this incredibly sharp mind with hundreds, perhaps thousands of different thoughts. Is he reflecting? Reminiscing? Regretting? or is his mind wandering around some silly thoughts? Yet you’re the one left wondering, not noticing his emerald eyes have focused on yours a while ago. You take your eyes off him, slightly embarrassed, hearing only a faint chuckle and feeling his grip tightening on you as you two once again gaze at the glittering galaxy above you.

Lucifer:

due to his body being not as strong as Mephisto’s - he’s usually down for cuddling instead. however, when some of the elixirs do their job, he’s gonna give you hugs pretty often.

prefers to be in private when he really wants to give you a genuine hug; he doesn’t want to show others he fell for the trap named “love”. he lets himself be a hypocrite about it, for once (ekhem satan and yuri).

Of course, tiny hugs wouldn’t be forgotten while attending stuff anywhere else on Dominus Liminis, but they’re just quick hugs when you walk past him. he isn’t ashamed of you by any means, in fact, he’s proudly walking along with you most of the time, having a hand either on your waist or interlaced with yours.

Lucifer’s hugs are very, very confident and send butterflies to your stomach - he radiates that strong energy to make you feel secure in his arms - the world could be falling, but as long as you’re in his arms, he’ll do anything to protect you from any harm, even if this means losing his precious body.

sometimes he hugs you in his own, unique way - he interlaces both of his hands with yours and places his forehead against yours, closing his eyes and sighing softly. while you might think it’s not really a hug, it’s definitely a very sweet gesture. you can get a kiss on the temple or a few sweet and uplifting words whispered in your ear too, if he feels particularly affectionate that day.

his views on physical contact are... a little bizarre; he’s confused and doesn’t fully understand the purpose of it, yet - he will admit it’s quite satisfying. feeling your lover is definitely something that feeds the feelings he’s had deep within him. he might be a little stiff when you introduce him to this too, no matter how many times he’d seen humans do it - experiencing it for the first time is new to him, but surely it is something he grew to enjoy.

 so what’s that “hugging” thing again? you just wrap your arms around someone and.. that’s it? are you supposed to just stay like this? how long? - that’s pretty much half of his thoughts going through his head when he hugs you.

it takes him quite a long time until he “learns” it just “makes him feel better”. he understands (kinda) the idea of it, but deeper down, he’s still pretty puzzled.

In the early stages of hugging, Amaimon didn't realize how strong his hugs were - if he didn’t break any bone of yours, then it’s a miracle. As soon as he noticed you almost passing out, he stopped and the guilt of possibly causing you harm has kicked in, so he promised you to make it up the best way he can.

Amaimon doesn’t realize it - but as time passes he grew used to hugs! Especially greeting hugs, which at this point he doesn’t realize he gives  - it’s become a habit of his.

not a fan of long hugs - to say it bluntly, he becomes bored if it lasts too long (unless there’s been a fight beforehand, in this case, he understands you want to regain the sense of security that physical body is able to give). he likes quick hugs instead, which he gives more often.

Amaimon’s hugs are pretty simple - he wraps his arms around your waist and that’s.. pretty much it. He might rub your back sometimes, but to be honest - he just likes the simplicity. Funnily enough, when Behemoth notices you hugging, he also wants to participate! Tiny demon bounces your way and while it’s near your leg, he starts clinging to it and nuzzling himself (Amaimon’s kinda >:((((((( when he sees Behemoth snuggling, but it’s his boyo so he forgives him).

However, Amai gets really mad when he sees you hugging someone else than him. Unless it’s a close friend or family member, he’s.. somewhat accepting this, but if it’s someone he doesn’t know - he’ll either try to fight them or take you bridal style in his arms and just go away.

He also gets awfully handsy, which he probably picked up from Mephisto. His one hand might slowly slide down to grope your ass cheeks; when you look at his face questionably, he’s just gonna place the other hand on your ass as his answer.

Astaroth:

his understanding is even worse than Amaimon’s, so he’s initially against it. he doesn’t understand the purpose of it and it's very hard to convince him otherwise, saying something along the lines of “if you need your “physical contact” we can fuck on the counter”.

continuously asking him would only make the situation worse, as he’d get annoyed more each second, eventually making him leave the house for a few days. one situation, however, changed his mind the most - he’s once lashed out at you, leaving you crying. he left nonetheless and waited a few days until he cooled off. feeling bad for his actions and regretting doing it for once, he came back, but instead of confronting you - he left a withering rose with a note.

he’s learned a little bit from that situation - seeing that you accept his quirks, he decided to try out some of your ideas - including hugging. and oh boy, how wrong he was.

he will NOT admit he likes hugs for his life; very “tsundere” approach to it, but you can catch his face being relaxed sometimes.

his favorite hug is.. hugging you from behind! whenever you’re cooking or being busy just in general, he loves surprising you with a hug, encircling his hands around your belly as you flinch slightly, not expecting him. as an apology, he places a gentle kiss on your shoulder.

due to him being nasty, you gotta bear with his dirty-talking he’s “performing” every time he hugs you. he also WILL tease you by groping your chest with no shame, attempt to give you hickies, and after a while - move his hands dangerously near your chest.

[anti-catradora-receipts]

I really had to see someone say catra didnt abuse adora bc she "didnt have a position of power" over her. And claimed that i "didnt know what abuse was". Well i guess the abuse that ive been through in relationships (platonic and romantic), that has often been like catra/adoras dynamic, wasnt abuse huh. Guess im not an abuse victim after all by that logic

Dear anon,

Firstly, I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry for everything you’ve been through. And I’m really sorry that someone tried to invalidate your experiences with abuse. I really hope you’re doing okay and taking care of yourself.

Secondly, I disagree with the person’s statement of “catra didnt abuse adora bc she "didnt have a position of power" over her.” That’s false. 

Catra admits to manipulating Adora during the show. And this article talks about manipulation in a relationship and how manipulation is all about power and control. I extracted some parts of the article and placed it right below (within the quotation marks): 

“People who manipulate use mental distortion and emotional exploitation to influence and control others. Their intent is to have power and control over others to get what they want.

A manipulators knows what your weaknesses are and will use them against you. This will keep happening unless you actively and assertively put a stop to it. That said, it is not always easy.”

Next, this article is from the perspective of a victim of abuse after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship. The author of the article wanted to better understand their past abusive relationship and shared the insights that they gained from reading the book, ‘Power Games: Confronting Others’ Hurtful Behaviour and Transforming Our Own by Kay Douglas and Dr Kim McGregor’. I feel that the article illustrates in depth the enormous power imbalance between Catra and Adora and I extracted some parts of the article and put it below (within the double quotations): 

“After leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, I found myself needing to understand what had happened. Like most people who leave a volatile situation I was, quite simply, unable to process and articulate what was wrong. Apart from being incredibly vulnerable, I was also just too close to my own situation to see it objectively.

So I decided to read Power Games: Confronting Others’ Hurtful Behaviour and Transforming Our Own by Kay Douglas and Dr Kim McGregor. What I found was a wealth of information confirming what I couldn’t express or even see for myself. Here are some choice insights from the book, as well as some of my own thoughts*:

1. Control is always at the heart of a power game. The need to assert control will usually involve undermining and/or discrediting another to achieve our own ends. For example, we are using power games when we:

bully or intimidate someone into agreeing with our demands;

bait and provoke others through disturbing statements or actions and then claim they’re being over-sensitive/emotional, crazy or irrational (known as gaslighting); 

...

engage in name calling, put-downs, harsh criticism or threats.

2. Manipulators are not concerned with taking responsibility for their decisions/behaviours/feelings. Instead, they create a smokescreen by shifting the focus or blame to others. And consequently, the other party must assume the responsibility for making the situation ‘better’. If the other party is a ‘good’ person, they will comply with whatever demands are issued (peace at any price). As soon as they resist, however, the manipulator is likely to go on the attack.

3. For the receiver, cumulative exposure to such tumult may reduce self-esteem and increase anxiety, resentment and fear. Receivers will experience intense emotional reactions and may end up interpreting these as proof they are selfish, unbalanced, over-sensitive and unreasonable. They may lose their sense of self; either over-compensating to ‘get it right’ and ‘be better’ or even adopting manipulative tactics against others.

...

4. For the receiver, regaining personal power starts with a shift in one’s thinking. More specifically, an acknowledgement that the manipulator must take responsibility for their feelings and behaviours and any future change. It is accepting that the dynamic needs to change and learning to distinguish between real and manufactured guilt. It is constructing and defending boundaries and a willingness to listen to what anger is trying to say. It is the ability to cut through the smokescreen tactics and see the situation clearly. It is the ability to speak one’s truth and articulate one’s feelings. It is honouring the self. And, sometimes, this will mean leaving.

What I learned is that while not everyone who feels inadequate is a manipulator, every manipulator feels inadequate. So do we all, I know. But, what sets manipulators apart is the way they consistently and systematically re-distribute this inadequacy onto others.

...

What I also learned is that by disengaging I was not giving up, but that I was actively saying ‘I am worth more than this’.”

On a personal note, I just wanted to point out some additional reasons I see a huge power imbalance between Catra and Adora:

- The fact that Catra was completely okay with controlling Adora and Catra was not willing to give up her control of Adora.

- The fact that Adora seems to be the one who is constantly scared of Catra. At the present moment, I can only remember two scenes when Catra is scared of Adora: when Adora gets corrupted and attacks Catra at the beginning of White Out (S2E5), and when Adora gives Catra “The Look” at the end of The Portal (S3E6) . In addition, take a look at this scene. Adora honestly believes that Catra is going to kill her:

- The fact that Catra is completely okay with taking away Adora’s power. In the following scene, Catra doesn’t even see Adora as a person but as a tool. Catra literally states that they’ll use the corrupted sword in order to control Adora and use Adora as an advantage for the Horde. Catra even states that she’ll control Adora to kill Adora’s own friends. That is unbelievably sick. Moreover, Catra was completely okay with controlling Adora’s choices and actions. In fact, this scene supports the fact that Catra was completely okay with taking away Adora’s freedom. 

And honestly, there are some stark similarities between the previous scene with Catra and the following scene with Shadow Weaver. Shadow Weaver was ready to take away Adora’s power and use Adora as a tool against the Rebellion. 

I’d also like to point out that what Catra was willing to do to Adora, Horde Prime had actually done to Catra in S5. Catra’s power and freedom was taken away by Horde Prime and Horde Prime controlled Catra to attack Adora. The fact that Horde Prime took away Catra’s power and freedom was cruel and despicable. And the fact that Catra was willing to take away Adora’s power and freedom is cruel and despicable. 

Moreover, Adora ended up with Catra, a person who was perfectly okay with taking away Adora’s freedom and power. 

That is absolutely vile.

Finally I just want to add that my pinned post titled “Catra abused Adora.” has hyperlinks to resources relating to abuse:

- The Emotional Abuse section is reviewed by professionals. 

- The Physical Abuse section is provided by an online mental health service in Australia.

And these resources confirm that Catra emotionally and physically abuses Adora. 

In conclusion, you are right to say that Catra abuses Adora. Again, I’m really sorry that someone tried to invalidate your experiences with abuse. And I really hope you know that your feelings about Catradora are completely valid. 

I genuinely hope you’re talking care of yourself. Seriously, please make sure you check in with yourself and prioritize some self-care. 

Thank you very much for sharing. ✨

[normal-thoughts-official]

Ok so Camille’s an asshole on that we can all agree, but I’m really tired of people in the fandom acting like she’s just your typical annoying ex and she makes poor uwu Alec feel insecure cause fuck that. Camille was 100% abusive and manipulative but I also think she was sexually abusive too I mean seeing what she did to Simon and kissing Magnus without his consent even though he was clearly uncomfortable, consent doesn’t really seem to be an issue for her-

I feel like she definitely manipulated his fear of loneliness and not being good enough, to suit her needs. Like Magnus isn’t in the mood for sex or it’s especially triggering on a certain day, either way he’s not up for it but Camille makes him do it anyway. She threatens to leave or go find someone else who can fulfill her needs or take care of her when Magnus won’t, ‘I mean does he even love her when he won’t do this one simple thing for her?’ 

So he just lets her do what she wants, even if he’s having a full blown panic attack Camille doesn’t care or she’ll just leave insulting him saying she can’t deal with this right now and leaving Magnus with no idea when or if she’ll be back. So the next time she asks he hesitates less or initiates it more even when he’s not in the mood so she won’t leave and yeah I have a lot of emotions relating to this. and now I’m thinking about how it’ll affect his future relationships, not even talking about Alec but other people - I have this headcanon where when he got away from Camille and is healing, him ragnor and Catarina live together in ragnors cottage or somewhere away from people for awhile so Magnus can slowly heal and focus on himself and unlearn Camille’s abuse with the help of his family 

But despite what this fandom says Magnus has always been a helper and a selfless person to the point of self destruction. He’s unable to prioritise his own health and he wouldn’t be able to slow down and feel the full force of the abuse he experienced cause he feels like he’ll fall apart if he does and ‘no one wants a pathetic crybaby who breaks down when someone moves their hand too fast in his direction it wasn’t even that bad he’s just exaggerating like he always does this is why Camille doesn’t love him back’ (the ‘’ parts were meant to be strikethrough to signify Magnus’ inner thoughts but that doesn’t work on asks)

And he’s scared to get in another relationship cause he doesn’t think he’d be able to speak up for himself if they turned violent or controlling, he’s scared that if they did he’d just let them so he closes himself off from people puts these walls around him and a bright smile on his face that doesn’t let anyone think there’s anything wrong. And theres so much pain going on in the world ‘they have it much worse than him anyway’ and Magnus tries to help the best he can as he always does and he’s always there for people to lean on without any reciprocation and he’s so emotionally and physically tired and he’s not sure how much longer he can take it, almost considers going back to blackfairs bridge ‘really he’d be doing the world a favour’ but theres too many bad memories and he promised his family he would try so he holds on and then he finds Raphael and that obviously doesn’t fix everything but- I was going to continue this but it’s two am in my country and honesty it’s too long already😅 sorry for the rant it’s just a lot of emotions. Im so tired of the ‘Camille’s an annoying ex who keeps getting in the way of my favourite gay ship😠’ metas and needed to let out some feelings before I explode from my hate for Camille

UGH ANON HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE NOT ONLY A GENIUS BUT ALSO MY NEW BEST FRIEND, AN INTELLECTUAL, AND COMPLETELY RIGHT. YOU ARE SO CORRECT!!! idk if uve read my other post that i posted while i was waiting for you but we no longer have the same hat we are SHARING the hat!! i can't believe i got this ask right after i had just made that long ass rant and was in so much need to talk about this like ugh are you my guardian angel. i love you more than anyone else ive ever met

ok ok ok coherent thoughts ok i can do this. first of all THE SALT how does it feel to have vision and coherency. ppl writing camille as just an annoying ex or a bad ex or even as like "oh they both made mistakes and it ended up terrible" drives me UP THE WALL. camille was explicitly abusive, so much so that magnus CANONICALLY WAS UNABLE TO ALLOW PEOPLE TO GET CLOSE TO HIM FOR ALMOST A CENTURY. and she was shown to be abusive, both in the physical sense as you have reminded us so brilliantly and in the sense that her whole "choose me" speech? like she doesn't have to literally say the words "no one but me would ever love you" for that to be exactly what she's saying. she's obviously playing with his insecurities and putting him down while presenting her as his savior, it's CLASSIC ABUSE. she was written as such a perfect to-the-book abuser that it honestly shocks me like they did that really all they ticked all the boxes. the way she immediately launched to talk about alec's mortality too, the way she was obviously trying to make them fight and draw them apart - it wasn't a jealousy thing, it is just that she's abusive and she wants him isolated so she can toy with him and manipulate him 

EVEN SALTIER WHEN THEY MAKE IT ABOUT ALEC BEING INSECURE LIKE. especially because canonically he literally watched camille kiss magnus and didn't care, which was sexy of him because i was dreading some jealousy drama or something but instead he was just like. obviously she did it to hurt you. i only care in the sense that she's a fucking bitch. we stan! 

as for how she treated him! oof i think the same thing with the same words dioajdsaoij it always circled back to "why can't you do this for me?" in and outside of sex - i mentioned that in a conversation in the comments of my other post but i think that with camille the sexual abuse was really just an extension of the regular abuse, so they bleed together and are not really separable in that sense. at every turn, he had to prove his worth, and she used his fear of loneliness both in the sense that she amplified it and made it seem like the only way to not be lonely was to be with her, and that she gave him just enough for him not to feel desperately lonely so she could string him along. not to mention, they both always go back to how magnus supposedly "owes" her, and yes, it's because of the bridge, of course, but there's also that underlying tone of "because she put up with him and gave him affection when no one else would". even when what she did was nowhere close to real affection. so it's both the bridge and the after. she could have saved him and left, but she stayed. that's why he feels he owes her, and she will absolutely use it

AND UR SO RIGHT ABOUT MAGNUS BEING UNABLE TO PRIORITIZE HIS OWN HEALTH UGH UGH UGH UGH like he has no choice for a while because she left him fucking broken and seeing the way she treats him and the amount of shit he puts up with i can only imagine how far she had to go for him to reach a breaking point and leave her for real. but as soon as he could pretend to have himself together he just threw himself out there. and i believe that he felt guilty for having catarina and ragnor take care of him when he abandoned them because of camille - obviously that's not what happened, she manipulated him into staying away from them, made his life hell whenever he wanted to hang out with them until he no longer had the energy to put up a fight to keep in contact with the people he loves, but it's what he feels that happened, and most likely what camille herself eventually started to tell him happened once they had been pulled away enough. ("you're gonna leave me? and go back to who? your little friends who tried to pit you against me from day one? they're just gonna say 'i told you so', magnus. and why would they take you back when you left them before? when was the last time you even saw them? you chose this, you chose me, and now you're gonna come back to them and expect them to welcome you with open arms? you selfish little prick")

AND RAPHAEL!!! raphael was so important, honestly, we say that magnus didn't let anyone into his heart but obviously raphael was the exception and EXTREMELY important for his healing. it's a complicated relationship because he's sort of a father figure for rapha, and as such, he doesn't allow himself to be completely vulnerable around him, because that's not "his role". but! he was the first person whom magnus let in. and they obviously know each other deeply ("i hate to see you like this" even though magnus looked completely put together to the outside eye) and are plenty affectionate ("sweet boy", the hugs, the way rapha talked about magnus with so much love and awe in his eyes and voice) and trusting (the way raphael went to magnus' loft, not his own damn clan, when he was tortured...). i know this fandom likes to pretend that they pretend to hate each other but NO THEY DON'T they are openly caring and loving with each other fucking fight me on this

anyway, my point is that raphael was the first person he allowed himself to trust, and of course, part of that is simply because raphael was vulnerable and in need and like you said he can't just stay still when he sees someone struggling. but to care for raphael eventually had to mean to open up to him and when he welcomed raphael in, he gained a new member to his family. raphael is his kid. that's no small thing. their bond goes deep and it's extremely important because again, after camille magnus wouldn't allow people to get close to his heart, because he was scared of how they could use that against him. raphael was his first, and the only reason magnus was able to open himself up for romantic love again (which was an extra step, not because romantic love is more important or deeper, but because it's specifically the kind of love that camille used against him, and thus it makes him even more scared) was because he had already been relearning trust and platonic love with rapha

rapha did him good!!! there's a reason he calls him "sweet boy" okay. and rapha cares about him and he NOTICES WHEN HE'S IN A BAD SHAPE EVEN THROUGH ALL OF MAGNUS' WALLS and he specifically didn't want magnus involved with the camille drama even when it had obviously gotten out of hand because he wanted to keep him safe and away from her!!! i want to be shot in the face!!! they love each other so much! fuck!

and also that implies that raphael knows about camille which means he might be the first person who met magnus post-camille and heard the story, which means that he might be (and probably is) the first person who was never involved that magnus opened up about this to. if that ain't some powerful and important shit i don't know what is. because part of abuse is that you can't talk about it - there's this sense of shame and guilt both from staying and from not staying more, especially because magnus canonically still feels like he owes her... aaaaa

this answer is all over the place im sorry but my point is you are correct, camille is a textbook abuser not just a shitty ex, she fucked up his head and made him unable to open up for a long time, and the first person that helped him break those walls was raphael and they LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH AND DEEPLY thank you for your attention