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kuriboo · 5 years ago

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so here we are, y’all. i’ve finally reached the end of the zexal anime, and, uh, it sure was a ride. a ride from start to finish. i’m gonna write out some final thoughts, if i end up forgetting something i might make another post of this, but, don’t count on it. but, before anything, i do intend to read the zexal manga at some point as well, and when i do, you might see me post some funny or interesting screenshots in this tag too? probably not a lot, i don’t know, i’ve never read the zexal manga either. just be aware that the zexal liveblog might not actually be over.

i know people like to talk in terms of zexal i and zexal ii, but hulu doesn’t split up zexal like that, it’s actually in three seasons? i think i generally know what people are referring to with zexal i and zexal ii(?), but i’m genuinely not sure and the terms feel super weird to me anyway, but just to be safe, i’ll refer to things as the first half and the second half. the first half ends with the duel against dr faker and yuma vs kite, part 2 picks up with...whatever the hell happened after the yuma vs kite duel, which certainly wasn’t a continuation of kite’s character arc, but we won’t worry about that.

with that, uh, let’s go high-five the sky

before starting zexal: i’d pretty much watched all the other yugioh series, and was keeping up with vrains as much as i could as it aired. i saw one episode once, before i started watching the whole thing, that aired on some channel we normally don’t get but got a like free preview weekend of it or something. the episode i saw was the episode where yuma meets the guy who makes the statues, i think. whatever it was, the impression i got from what i saw was: this yugioh protagonist is really bad at card games, whines a lot, and his voice kinda grates on me, and also this protagonist is younger than i was at the time, which tended to lead to more annoying behavior. this kid didn’t want to shut up, man. couldn’t sit through the whole thing

so, this was how i rated zexal against the other yugioh series, keeping in mind that this is a rating of series, and not yugioh protagonists, and noting that the members of the A tier are not in any sort of order and all members have equal ratings:

(sevens is unrated because it’s just barely started.)

(there’s not really much of anything that could top gx, tbh, because gx got me through the hardest time, the hardest year, of my life, and i don’t know where i’d be without it. gx helped save 17 year old me from myself)

now, i’ve finished zexal. i’ve watched every single episode of zexal. it’s important to note that i watched the dub of duel monsters, the dubs of gx and 5ds along with the sub of their non-dubbed final seasons, the dub of zexal, the sub of arc v alongside a stretch of dubbed episodes towards the end, and the sub of vrains along with the dub of the first 20 episodes. i’m aware zexal’s sub was better than the dub, but i generally prefer dubs when possible and also i’m largely comparing it against every other yugioh dub. it’s not an unfair comparison.

so, here is how i now rate zexal against the other yugioh series, keeping in mind the members of the A tier aren’t in any sort of order:

you may have noticed this is the same as the previous rating. that’s correct. zexal was my least favorite yugioh series before i began watching it, and now that i’ve finished, it’s still my least favorite yugioh series. i know for a lot of people, zexal was their favorite yugioh series, but i simply can’t vibe with that. i’m sorry. i’m also aware the dub of zexal is a lot worse than the original. that doesn’t change the fact that i’m mostly rating dubs against each other here (haven’t seen enough of the arc v dub to account for that, but every other series i’m strongly thinking about the dubs). also, i’ll still give zexal credit for that. i’ll excuse some of its bad points as bad dub writing. some.

this chart, though, doesn’t paint a complete picture of how my opinion of zexal has changed. because it has. i like zexal a lot more now than i did before i started really watching it.

we’ll address good points first, so if anyone wants to bail for the bad points to avoid any sort of hurt feelings or anything like that, they can while still reading good stuff. again, i know a lot of yugioh fans’ favorite yugioh series is zexal, and my opinions are directly opposed to that, and again, i’m sorry.

there was some pretty cool new cards in this one, particularly in the numbers side of things. shark drake was cool. i liked all of the arclights’ numbers; honestly, how could i not love dyson sphere or number 69? i’ve forgotten a lot of it by now but there was some cool stuff especially in the first part.

the two best characters in this series, in terms of both writing and personality, were easily astral and shark. astral’s probably my number one, shark’s probably my number two.

astral was definitely great. his observations he kept making about humanity based on yuma was definitely one of the funnier things in the series, and the last duel of the series ending with astral’s last observation was poetic. he talked smack about yuma a lot, and a lot of the time it was pretty well deserved, and that was very cathartic and very good humor. his whole arc where he learns to trust yuma in part 1 and they truly become partners, then yuma meets vector who convinces yuma to keep pretty big secrets from astral, then astral realizes yuma’s been keeping these big secrets from him which is something astral never thought would happen by that point, and astral almost loses himself in that darkness of feeling betrayed and angry and sad, that was all really really good. yuma and astral not not immediately going back to loyal trusting partners and needing time before astral could truly trust yuma again also felt natural and real and i enjoyed it a lot. i like astral’s hairstyle, i like his dub censored ass, i like his whole ghost-like vibe. i don’t appreciate that astral is a nudist, even among the other residents of astral world who all wear actual clothes. i kind of wish astral would wear clothes but i would still want his ass to be censored because it’s hilarious. there is a lot i like about astral. i also just think he’s neat. my easy favorite. cannot go wrong with snarky glowy alien boy.

shark surprised me. i didn’t like him for a fair amount of part 1. he hurt yuma’s feelings a lot and i hated that. but when he started accepting yuma’s repeated attempts at friendship and turned around, i liked him a lot. he’s got purple hair, he plays a guitar (i think electric guitar? might’ve been electric bass), and his development was super interesting. i figured he had some kind of shitty home life that yuma would help him cope with using the power of friendship, but it was quite a bit more than that. he got disqualified from a tournament he desperately wanted to win because of a trick his opponent pulled, eventually evened out and became a pretty cool chill dude, and then it turned out he was like the head emperor of an alien planet that astral had set out to destroy?? he was the leader of a group of people and then blamed himself for their destruction?? he felt torn between his guilt/duty to his people and the new friendships he’d made with yuma and astral?? and he ended up deciding to go back to his alien emperor ways even though it pitted him against his friends which was hard but he had to make it up for the people he’d lost before?? but then he learned don thousand had been manipulating for a long long time and then faced against don thousand at yuma’s side een though he chose to turn his back on that friendship?? he didn’t let some fanfic choose his life for him??? he had shark drake??? there’s a lot of cool shit about shark and he’s got a lot of interesting shit going for him. i love a character that gets me to analyze what’s going on in their mind as they do certain things or make certain choices. i also love me a character who ends up getting/remembering magical powers. sorry shark astral’s in first but i still think shark’s neat too.

byron arclight!!! byron arclight! he’s not on the same level as astral and shark, but mAN i love byron arclight. he was constantly roasting everyone when he appeared and had some of the funniest dialogue in the entire series. anyone he looked at he’d be like “look aliens made me physically look like a child, my sons are taller and look older than me now, i couldn’t possibly give a shit about whatever your deal is.” he got super strong magic powers and used them to kidnap a small child. he became evil and told his sons to be evil with him because he was mad at dr faker, but they all kinda sucked at being evil and decided to be good guys instead by part 2. it’s honestly a shame the arclights didn’t appear in the series, especially part 2 (and especially byron, i’m p sure he appeared the least of the arclights) because i like them all actually. that episode where trey erased yuma’s like most important memories... dyson sphere... quattro telling off shark for dueling poorly while shark was sufferering the effects of POISON... what absolute legends. also byron had number 69.

yuma’s pretty cool, ended up being a more compelling character than i thought he would be. he’s a sweet kid, he’s annoyed initially by astral’s presence but he still helps astral with his quest to gather all the numbers anyway and he likes astral the more they hang out. that episode where yuma loses his memories because of trey really showed yuma’s pre-series development pretty well. yuma talks a lot and shouts the same few catchphrases a lot and it can get annoying, but there’s a lot more to yuma then that. at his core, he’s actually a pretty scared and lonely kid who doesn’t believe in himself, he looks at his current situation and goes “there’s no way i can win this duel there’s no point i might as well quit”. he’s not inherently upbeat and positive and self-confident like he usually appears. “feel the flow” is his source of strength, it’s what gets him going, gets him to believe in himself and inspires bravery in him. he’s actually one of the strongest people in the show for it, to be honest. his friends are so important to him, he cares about them so much and would do anything for them, even when his friends aren’t acting so friendly to him. even when his friends want conflicting things he tries his best to appease both sides. he becomes a voice of reason a lot in part 2, honestly. he kept voicing my thoughts and things i said throughout the season, which at times was really cathartic honestly. he kept challenging the status quo. why do we HAVE to do this, why can’t we find a compromise for THAT. he’s a good kid. i’m adopting him.

kite in part 1 is a cool Strong Opposition To The Number Hunt guy. he needs a glasses prescription but refuses to do anything about it and dies on the moon for it apparently, which i think is pretty funny of him. since he’s not astral he has to number hunt differently and the way he does it hurts people, but he’s only doing it because if he has all the numbers, then there might be a way to help his little brother who is suffering some big shit. his life literally revolves around his little brother who wants kite to just live his life for himself and be happy and have fun, to which kite replies “i don’t know how to do any of that”. relatable. eventually he realizes his dad is a dick. and beats him up until his dad says okay i’ll be good now. i won’t throw trash at astral world anymore i promise. kite’s hear to kick ass and take names and he runs out of names before he runs out of ass. but he gets new names by the time he runs out of ass so it’s okay. kite does some pretty fun stuff in part 1 and actually gives astral a run for his money which doesn’t happen often in part 1 so that’s pretty fun. also. his name is kite and his brother’s name is heart. dr faker is the worst at names but i’d expect that from someone who’s name is faker. it’s pretty funny, honestly

dumon is great. he’s a nice guy who is always trying to help out his friends. him first meeting shark and them pretty much despising each other and then realizing hmm maybe that other guy isn’t as obnoxious as i thought all before shark even realizes he’s nasch and nasch and dumon are like best friends? top-tier, def funny. after like that first meeting though dumon always came off as a nice guy. i like dumon. also, his dub voice actor voices dub yusaku and i was assigned yusaku by the government so i really appreciate that. he does a good job as yusaku. and honestly a good job at dumon, too. dumon is one of the best voices in the whole show. he’s great. i just think he’s neat

rio!!!! once rio wakes up, she’s great. you can tell like within an episode that she and shark are the kind of siblings that constantly snark at each other but would do literall anything for each other. shark tried to do anything he could to help her before she woke up, and rio stuck by his side no matter what in the barians vs astral conflict. the foreshadowing in that episode where she pretended she was knocked out like the rest of yuma’s friends but she really wasn’t!! within like a week of waking up she reveals shark can’t sleep in the dark and i think that he hates onions. she’s the picture of confidence, and it seems to come more naturally to her than yuma’s forced and learned confidence. she believes in herself for sure, she’s a great duelist and she knows it, she’s got that ice aesthetic that i love, she’s cute... i’m gonna go adopt shark and rio right now. she’s also fiercely protective of her friends. but she’s not afraid to tease them either! and she will do it! she’s unrepentantly herself and i love it.

vector is funny. vector had some great lines in part 2. “ray shadows” was always predictably not what he seemed at first glance but that’s not a bad thing. just because i knew “ray shadows” was bad didn’t make the reveal of him being vector any less satisfying, honestly. that whole sequence of what happened when vector revealed himself was one of my favorite parts of the second half. vector constantly leading yuma into “the ray way” (usually a poor way), then after reealing himself talking about doing things the ray way, absolutely poetic. that reveal causing a huge shift in yuma and astral’s relationship, beautiful. did you just say the b word??? he also had funny lines. most major villains in zexal (byron and vector) were pretty funny honestly. neither of them were the ultimate antagonist which is fine, but probably the best humor in the series to me came from the major villains. it made them less intimidating, maybe, but it made them a lot more enjoyable to watch.

number 96 looked like a dark version of astral, which is essentially what he was, but like, he literally looked like astral. but you know what? while astral’s ass was censored, number 96′s wasn’t censored in the slightest. to this day i don’t understand why but this is so funny to me. 4k media really said astral wasn’t valid but number 96 was.

there’s a lot of good stuff in zexal. and i enjoyed it! at the end of the day, that’s what i care about the most. doesn’t matter as much if something’s good or bad as much as if i’m enjoying it. and i enjoyed quite a bit of zexal.

i did say it was my least favorite yugioh anime currently, however. which means there must be parts of this anime i didn’t like. so let’s get into the aspects of zexal i didn’t like. feel free to bail now if you’re not interested in that. i’m not interested in hurting any feelings or tarnishing anyone’s love for zexal.

yikes

for what it’s worth, i like the first half a lot more than the second half. most of the problems i have with the first half are also present within the second half, but the second half has a lot of unique things i don’t like.

i know i said something doesn’t have to be good to be enjoyable. anyone can enjoy bad things. i enjoy plenty of bad things! look, i watch sword art online!! i’m no stranger to the concept. but a lot of things i didn’t like about zexal were just...too glaring for me to enjoy anway.

let’s start with cards.

i think xyz summoning should’ve been pronounced as x-y-z and not x-eez. i hated it from episode one and i am still holding to that.

i don’t like tori’s whole fairy cheerleader archetype. i don’t like the way they all look. these things were in arc v, too, and given to a slightly better character but i didn’t like these things in arc v and i don’t like these now. arc v gave me something to look forward to when i needed it most, i don’t say many bad things about it. but i hate these things in both series they were featured in. i think that says a lot. it’s the combo of the hair and the eyes. their hair is way too big. their eyes tend to look bad. it’s just not a great look.

the series started off with a very simple set of rules for number cards: number cards come from astral, and there are 100 of them (and only number cards can only destroy other number cards, which is less important here). the first half of zexal stuck to that prett well. the second half of zexal just laughed at the idea of rules and said i’mma break them. characters are suddenly given number cards that go over the number 100. all these characters are barians. and these cards didn’t come from astral. what the heck! you’re breaking rules left and right! and then don thousand comes out with his stupid imaginary number, and then two duels later yuma comes out with his own new number, future number zero. you’re breaking all the rules. you’re breaking all my trust in everything. you’ve stopped pretending there’s any sense of rules entirely and you’ve started making things up as you go. i don’t like that!! especially imaginary number and future number zero had basically no explanation as to where these things come from, how do these characters have these cards? it’s one thing when yuma comes out with a new gagaga card or something, that’s acceptable and makes plenty of sense, but the new number cards don’t. also, don thousand, yuma doesn’t know enough math to know what an imaginary number even is.

astral’s whole deck angers me. astral is one of the most important characters of the series, and you couldn’t bother to give him any non-xyz monsters. his whole deck is spells and traps. you gave tori, who only duels once and isn’t very good at it, her own whole archetype, but you couldn’t bother to think of a single monster to give astral. and even then, the only xyz monsters astral uses are utopia forms, (not including shark drake and galaxy-eyes, who were only brought out to serve as material for a utopia monster. this is the laziest deck in the whole series, and you gave it to a major protagonist. like, the second most important protagonist in the whole series. i get he only duels without yuma once, but dude. i hate this.

i also really don’t like that the only number yuma and astral use most of the time is utopia. i know utopia was the first one they had together and it’s popular and shit. but there are other numbers! other numbers yuma gains! that i would like to see him use! but instead the show just...keeps giving him new forms for utopia? for some reason? at least on one occasion one of yuma’s new forms has like the same exact ability as another number yuma has at the time. it’s infuriating. to me, at least. plenty of other characters only really use one number most of the time the duel, but most other characters only really have that one number and maybe another form of it or maybe two other forms. yuma doesn’t have that excuse. i’m not saying i never want him to use utopia ever. i just like variety. if you’re introducing the idea of collecting a lot of things, i wanna see those things used.

i hate don thousand’s dueling gimmicks most of all. he gets access to the numeron code and uses it to cheat in his duels, even though kite has it and zexal really gave the impression before this point that you needed to obtain the numeron code to use it, but don thousand’s just like, i fused earth and barian world and somehow i can use the numeron code now. ??????? no fucking sense. on top of that, his cards are super unbalanced. i could not stand watching this duel.

i don’t like the literally no excuse given of other characters besides yuma, the arclights maybe, and the barians maybe, the literally no excuse given for other characters suddenly being able to see astral. being able to see astral required either special powers or special circumstances but then at the end of part 1 going in to part 2 characters were just like “i can see astral now!!!” and that was the end of this and this was the stupidest laziest thing ever. dunno if this was a dub-only thing, maybe the sub explained it, but it really bothered me and still does.

i don’t think chaos was explained very well, at least in the dub, and i looked it up later on and know pretty much what it is now but when you introduce new concepts and ideas, please explain them to me or else i feel like there’s literally no rules to the universe and characters are just making things up as they go.

a lot of the time in the second half, astral is written really weirdly and, not as good. especially post-vector reveal. i’m not talking about any stubbornness on astral’s part because that’s who he is. part 2 starts going in and after a while of it already going, astral just comes in and explains things to yuma that astral definitely didn’t know before. i know astral starts out with almost no memories and regains them all throughout the series but i don’t think any of this like came right after astral regained some memory. the numeron code seems to come out of nowhere, and oh, by the way, this thing can rewrite the entire rules of the universe. it’s a race to see who gets the numeron code first! except, uh, kite ends up winning it i think but that ends up literally not mattering because don thousand and astral both finds ways to use it without even having it. so there wasn’t much of a point of a lot of the duels before the don thousand duel, huh. that’s a lot of time wasted. and apparently astral can use the numeron code after regaining all 100 numbers, but. i don’t remember when astral first introduced that fact and when he got all 100 numbers. but it only is relevant after the duel against nasch and astral only makes any attempt to use the numeron code then. i don’t even know how he got the numeron code after that duel anyway. kite had it and he died on the moon. don thousand could use it without actually having it but then he was defeated. was astral always able to use it without actually having it like don thousand? why didn’t he does this before, then? everything related to the numeron code is vague and explained poorly and every time the numeron code comes up someone makes up some new bullshit thing related to the numeron code and i hate it. i hate the stupid numeron code.

back on track with astral. there’s other stuff besides the numeron code he seemed to know about without any real explanation. i do not remember a lot of them. besides the numeron code. i think i repressed the rest of out of annoyance. i think the worst astral was written was right before his duel with yuma. i get that astral intended to use the duel to help yuma and not hurt him. but he could’ve accomplished this without being an entire jackass. yuma’s mourning the loss of friends that he’s also blaming himself for. and then astral decides to resolve that by telling yuma that astral’s gonna go kill a bunch more people and yuma can’t stop him? that’s uh, not helping anything astral. you had other options to get yuma to duel (while yuma was in a state of not wanting to duel ever again) rather than telling yuma more people are about to die. the point of the whole duel was to remind yuma how to have fun in duels. but uh. when you put a bunch of lives at risk like that after a bunch of people just died, that’s not a great way to introduce fun. yuma promised astral to duel against him before astral left earlier on in the series! you had other options! astral acts like he doesn’t have other options but he literally does! there’s stupid stuff like this astral does earlier in the second half but i have forgotten the details. i get astral’s an alien who’s pretty socially awkward and doesn’t get earth people super well, but b the end of the series he certainly should understand them a little better, or at least, he should understand yuma pretty well, after hanging out with yuma literally all the time. it’s stupid! astral’s better than all this! there’s no way this is the fault of dub writing! unless 4k media made entirely new animation for multiple episodes. like. of the entire episode.

there were multiple times in the second half i didn’t understand character motivations in certain events at all and had to really come up with my own weird headcanons to make sense of it. this is probably largely a result of dub writing.

i wish the arclights were more relevant in the second half. most of all they did was watch things happen. they’re cool and powerful give them something to do.

kite felt extremely pointless in the second half of zexal. he was given a clear character direction to go after the first half and basically abandoned it the second the second half started. he had this pointless rivalry with mizar that only ever felt relevant when they dueled each other on the moon to get the numeron code. kite realizes he needs glasses. he wins the duel. and then he fucking dies somehow. and everyone else gets access to the numeron code. it’s all really stupid and makes no sense. i wouldn’t care about him not being as narratively important as yuma, shark and astral. kite’s not from astral world, kite’s not from barian world, and he doesn’t have any partnership with anyone from either world. at most, he thinks astral’s neat now. but they keep dragging along this stupid rivalry between mizar and kite that literally amounted to “my galaxy-eyes dragon is better than your galaxy-eyes dragon”, these two idiots dueled about it multiple times, and it was just pointless. it ate up too much time. i could feel myself aging. the second half of zexal had enough filler episodes that made me want to tear my hair out without this stuff.

i hate mizar so much. he’s probably my second least favorite character in the series. all mizar EVER does is duel kite over who has a cooler galaxy-eyes dragon, which isn’t even a question because kite’s is cooler and he had it long before mizar ever showed up which at most makes mizar a copier idiot. the most relevant thing mizar does is duel kite on the moon for the numeron code, but i’ve been over that. you could take mizar out without changing much. he’s by far the least interesting barian emperor. mizar is more annoying than kite ever was, and is more annoying than the other barian emperors ever were. and yet mizar lives longer than pretty much every barian emperor except nasch. he got the honor of being written out of existence by don thousand himself. radical. cool. get him out of my sight. i can’t stand him.

there’s a point where there’s a number shown on baby vector. i really wanted to know what was up with that and how it was relevant. this was never explained at all. i’m gonna assume this was don thousand altering vector’s memories or something and move on and never address it again because this show just did and said so many things without explaining any of it whatsoever. this stuff needs established rules and explanations. otherwise it just feels like everythings made up on the fly, it’s all completely random shit with not much planning behind it, that the writers don’t care...it feels insulting. i had this same issue with the infinity stones in the marvel cinematic universe. this is not something i just don’t like because it happened in zexal. i like knowing things.

so if mizar’s my second least favorite, who’s my least favorite character overall? i’ll tell you who

tori fucking meadows.

tori. geez. has there ever been a worse character? yes, mineta from my hero academia exists. but what exactly is tori’s crime? what has she done to make me dislike her so much. well, nothing. ‘nothing?’ yes. she didn’t do anything. but at the same time, she didn’t do anything. my problem with her is she literally does nothing, she barely has any sort of relevance to anything, and she’s annoying. i’m very serious. there’s only two things she’s ever done: she got possessed by a barian emperor to duel against yuma once, and there was that time she challenged yuma to a fashion contest, which was a little entertaining. those are the only things she’s ever done. and yet, somehow, she finds her way into every single episode. it is rare for an episode to go by without her. well, if she’s in so many episodes, surely she must be doing something of importance? nah. her only purpose is to cheer yuma on when he’s discouraged and to get distressed when yuma looks like he’s in a bad spot. this is not a joke. this is not an exaggeration. there are entire episodes where her only dialogue is “(sad voice) Yuma...! Astral...!” i constantly forget she’s there and then the show reminds me she’s there and i get mad because she doesn’t do anything. it’s either be sad about duel going well for yuma, or tori going “yuma you can do it” and yuma going “YEAH YOU’RE RIGHT THANKS TORI”. yeah, she doesn’t even give good motivational speeches, she just says the laziest most generic thing possible, and yuma just cheers himself up anyway because that’s usually what he does anyway. there’s not point to her being there. oh, and she got to be the damsel of distress once to convince yuma to duel. that’s great. lovely. that’s definitely not shady/shifty as hell. all girls are only good for fueling boys’ pain and suffering, right.

but lemme ask this. let’s replace tori with a very pretty lamp for the entire series. how much of the show would change? and honestly? it’d mostly be just like, bits and pieces of three episodes. she’s literally just taking up space. she doesn’t need to duel to be relevant and do meaningful things. maybe she could do more to help yuma convince astral that blowing up barian world is a bad idea, maybe she’s able to come up with the right words where yuma isn’t. maybe she catches on that something’s wrong with shark before shark switches sides, she doesn’t have to convince him not to and i’d rather she didn’t but she can be an uninvolved person to listen and tell shark it’s not an easy choice for sure but she supports him whatever he does and she’s sure whatever he chooses will be the right choice for him. maybe she could get astral some fashionable clothes. i don’t know! she could actually do something! i’m not asking much here i just want her to be something besides a generic love interest (gross) or a generic supporter with generic advice (annoying).

a lot of yuma’s friend group have similar similar issues, but at least they have parts to play. bronk’s probably the best written of the bunch in part 1 before he dissolves into randomly in love with rio taking over his entire life (gross). cathy honestly is better than average too. rio is exempt from this paragraph because she doesn’t spend too much time in the friend group before bailing to her past life which is valid. yuma starts out with only bronk and tori for friends but he gains a lot of friends during the number hunt. most of these friends were possessed by numbers and yuma befriended them afterwards because ultimately his goal is to have fun and make friends by dueling. but they all stick around and don’t not hang out with him and don’t do much after yuma helps them. yuma has way too many friends that he drags around with him everywhere, and then some combination of the arclights, shark, kite, vector, and rio is often there as well. It’s way too many people and no wonder most of them never do anything because often all the things that could be done are taken. Most of these kids need to stop following Yuma everywhere. For the most part, they’re all annoying, too. I really only care for Bronk and Cathy.

i get it. the protagonist always has friends that are ride or die and help them out no matter what. i get it. but there was never this many constantly around, often times they’d switch around each other if anything, and they always all were either relevant to the plot or played good important roles in helping the protagonist, and they always had development. i think the most development any of yuma’s friend group (ignoring brinks negative development) had was cathy’s hatred of dogs getting a bit less intense. flip’s literally a shitty dude who cheats and yuma told him “hey maybe be less shitty next time” a couple of times and flip said “sure” each time but then never put any effort into being better and just kept being shitty towards other people. caswell just...reiterates what’s happening half the time ans starts literally every sentence with “in the end”. all they’re good for is filler and zexal has really bad filler. they’re not good for anything. they should’ve showed up less at least after the heartland tournament arc if not sooner. i get that the whole thing is to show that yuma wants to make friends through duels but this is unnecesasary and eats up time that could be better spent on other characters who actually do things and who actually are relevant and develop and stuff. the protagonist’s friend group was never this annoying before zexal and it never was after zexal either. when they all got sent to barian world and stopped showing up for like ten episodes i almost finally new peace if those ten episodes weren’t like some of the worst content zexal had to offer.

there’s a lot of pointless boring uneventful unnecessary hetero shit all over the show, too. obviously, the whole deal with yuma and tori, while yuma really has no interest in romance at all and tori can’t take a fucking hint and then somehow the last episode decides to make them start dating for some reason. bronk falls for rio (understandable) and then in a filler episode asks for shark’s permission to date her (gross), shark misunderstands what bronk’s asking and is like “if you wanna deal with me or rio you gotta beat yuma in a duel first”, bronk gets it in his head that means yuma likes rio and duels yuma over rio (gross) and this is all supposed to be a funny whole series of events but it’s not funny and it’s kinda gross actually. orbital and lillybot!! yikes!! i don’t like orbital anyway. lillybot is amazing and great. the show decides to assign lillybot female (tori just says lillybot’s a girl and we’re supposed to take tori’s word for it i guess) so obviously the assigned male robot and the assigned female robot have to date, right! they MUST like each other because he was a boy robot, she was a girl robot, can i make it any more obvious. it’s annoying and stupid. they have kids!!! they have kids for some reason!!! why do they have kids!!!!! zexal never interact with me about romance again.

the girls in this show really get the shit end of the stick, huh. i feel really bad for them. obviously we have tori. who was there the whole time but really didn’t do anything except be generically sad or generically positive. cathy’s a little better than that. she has a bit more personality going for her. she likes cats, she makes cat puns, she duels a dog, she did get possessed by a number... she’s got a few things going for her, but she doesn’t do much either. she doesn’t do anything worth noting in the tournament in heartland, she barely does anything of note related to the barian emperors or don thousand. so that’s not much better. rio probably got the best treatment of any of the girls in zexal. she is a major player in the second half of zexal, being one of the barian emperors. she’s got a very strong personality and did plenty of important things. she helped her and her brother deal with the barian emperors before realizing she was one herself, she reclaimed her title of barian emperor and tried to kick vector’s ass. rio and shark brought a lot of life to each other. she revealed her brother’s need to sleep with a nightlight and she was allowed to be good at dueling! but also, she spend the entire first half of the show in a coma. she wasn’t allowed to have any part in the show before astral and the barian emperors did their thing. so in a way, rio also got the worst treatment, too. discounting rio, though, i think the girl who got the worst of it was actually kari.

i know, i know. kari’s an investigator, a journalist! she’s always after a scoop, she’s always looking after yuma, and she deals with old friends/enemies. she’s not just some generic friend like tori, she’s not in a coma like rio! kari’s great! and i love her! but this isn’t just about girls not getting to do things that matter or girls not getting to have personalities. this goes in a bit different direction than that. she wanted to go out and explore with her dad, just like yuma did, but her parents always brushed her aside and made her do more “girly” things because “girls can’t do what yuma and your dad are doing”! she didn’t get a wole lot of agency in her own life. her parents all but told her that yuma was more important than her, that he had this big destiny related to dueling and that all she was good for was watching out for yuma and making sure he was okay because she’s his older sister. and then both her parents disappeared! and she was just left with that! she grew to hate dueling, to push yuma away from it because their parents basically told her yuma would be in danger because of dueling. which is a totally understandable reaction to your parents telling you that out of seemingly nowhere! except the show doesn’t treat it that way. the show puts her in the wrong for not liking dueling! because everyone has to like dueling kari!! how dare you not like card games. how dare you have any interest in anything else. i’m surprised she’s not more bitter towards her parents for this whole fiasco. she just gets slammed into a caretaker role because girls can only be love interests or caretakers! (tori, cathy, and rio were all set up as love interests at least one time or another, while yuma would rather eat another hot dog than deal with that) but honestly, she does her best to do what her parents told her: take care of yuma during his big dangerous dueling destiny. she watches out for him, she tries to steer him clear of the thing that’s supposed to be dangerous for him. and as a journalist she has to be constantly up to date on current events and happenings, so if something happens that might endanger yuma with his big dangerous dueling destiny, kari’ll probably be on of the first people to know about it in all of heartland. that’s not to say that’s not the only reason she took up the profession. she definitely seems passionate about what she does, she takes it seriously, i’m sure she does actually like being a journalist, but it does help with yuma, too. her parents basically forced her life to go exactly one way. and that’s not shown in a bad light against her parents! if anything, the show basically acts like it’s kari’s fault for not being happy about it every second. all this while yuma gets to be whoever he wants to be and do what he wants to do their whole childhood, he gets a lot more freedom than kari for sure. yuma got the childhood kari wanted and she’s not allowed to grieve what she could’ve had. because it’s not just “kari’s parents forced her into a very specific role for her life and gave her no choice in any of it”. that can actually be a really cool thing to explore. i love chazz princeton! kari has plenty in common with chazz! but i don’t like this setup like this. chazz got to be right about being bitter about what his brothers did to him, about breaking away from them and living life the way he wanted to. but making kari’s parents the right ones in this whole situation is just kinda gross and disgusting. if you’re gonna frame it like that don’t bother. cannot stand the “your parents are always right” sort of shit.

speaking of? goddamn i hate kazuma. i hate yuma and kari’s dad. i would say he’s the worst dad in all of yugioh, but he didn’t start an interdimensional war, so we’ll say he’s the second worst dad in all of yugioh. ...if i tie dr kogami with leo, but either way, leo, dr kogami, and kazuma are the top 3.

how can kazuma be in the top 3?? with leo and dr kogami?? leo and dr kogami are evil villains!! kazuma’s not a bad guy! he helped give yuma more self-confidence! he wanted peace between astral world and barian world!

first of all, if you skipped the paragraph related to kari, go back and read it. it’s required reading for the “why kazuma sucks” portion of our program tonight. okay good, you read it. here’s more reasons why kazuma’s a pretty sucky dad.

this here is a bullshit man.

kazuma had good intentions, i think. he wanted to be a good dad but intentions don’t really mean a damn thing when you look at the results.

pre-zexal, kazuma tsukumo knew about yuma’s destiny and told kari about it. how did he know this? how did he figure this out? that’s a good question. i have no idea why he knows about yuma’s destiny, or how he knows about it. the wiki just says he “showed great intelligence and foresight”, whatever that means. my best guess is that honestly? once kazuma saw what was happening in astral world, he created yuma’s destiny himself. he gave the key to yuma, and then he fucked with astral’s shit so that astral would meet yuma. yeah, kazuma looked at everything going on and was like “i’ll put it on my 12 year old son to save three worlds at the same time! what could go wrong”, and told kari about it beforehand and was like “lol kari can’t do it she’s a girl so i’ll just decide her entire life for her a different way”

uh, clearly yuma was not emotionally capable of dealing with the shit kazuma pulled him into. yuma was ready to never duel again because dueling killed his friends. and then kazuma talks to astral about the whole thing and is weirdly smug about the whole thing related to yuma’s lost friends and lost love for dueling. so like...was that part of your plan or not? do you give a shit about your son’s feelings regarding your whole plan for his life or not?

after yuma falls into a portal in the hell dimension he ends up being a prisoner on astral world. which was definitely not explained well in the dub. but he and his wife just hang out freely and openly in remote parts of astral world so he sure as shit doesn’t look like a prisoner. and while he’s there he certainly looks like there’s no place he’d rather be. wait, his wife? how did she get in astral world? that’s a good fucking question and i sure would love to know. i guess she’s not allowed to exist outside her relationship with kazuma.

after kazuma is stuck in astral world, everyone thinks he’s dead for a while, but then when everyone finds out he was alive, he’s treated as this all-knowing projection/recorded hologram who is always right about everything. he always has all the answers and if we don’t know what to do about something then kazuma definitely knows! and after he appears to die he can sometimes appear to people somehow, how he can do that is never explained well at least in the dub, and there are arbitrary conditions to it also never explained in the dub. he can appear in the emperor’s key. he only really seems to do this once to have a weird conversation with astral, and then he also...was able to help vetrix make a barrier during yuma and nasch’s duel, somehow? i mean, i get tron’s whole thing, but kazuma, not so much? if he can appear to astral and vetrix why does he never try to connect with yuma? i’m guessing he probably can’t appear to yuma directly but he never tries to leave a message with astral either. he has these arbitrary weird abilities never explained well (in the dub, at least) and it feels like he’s playing calvinball to make himself seem like a hero or something.

honestly, everthing about yuma’s dad being seemingl dead but still alive, creating his son’s destiny and being this vague benevolent being who is always right and is never allowed to be seen in a bad light related to the consequences to his kids for his meddling, it all seems familiar....

that’s right! it all comes back to sonic!! once again i am literally unable to talk about anything without bringing up sonic, i always bring everything back to sonic!!!

i explained this all a lot better a year ago so i will let myself speak i guess

obviously kazuma isn’t as bad of a person as locke the echidna, not nearly as bad, but there’s parallels, anyway.

so if you agree that yuma is the old comics knuckles of yugioh, if you look at the bad dads section of this article (in case you think i wrote it for some reason, which i didn’t, thankskenpenders did) you can understand why locke is a horrible dad, and looking at the similarties pointed out between locke and kazuma (again, locke is a much worse father than kazuma) you can understand more why i hate kazuma.

so, yeah. i can go on and on about all the things i don’t like zexal. the writing is sometimes sexist and lazy, there’s way too many characters hanging out with the protagonist and most of them have nothing to offer. sometimes things just don’t get explained, or are barely explained. it’s a big ol’ game of calvinball sometimes. and i am aware and accept that some of this is the fault of the dub writers. but there’s also a lot of good things i like about zexal! astral, shark, and yuma were all written really well! there were some really cool monsters in this show! there were some moments of good jokes! the show had good messages and a lot of characters had complex motivations you can sympathize with even if you don’t agree with what they’re doing. this show was very good at being yugioh. and it’s a pretty good show in my book. i enjoyed watching it! it just doesn’t happen to be my favorite yugioh. or like. anything but my least faorite yugioh. but that’s okay. really, the most important thing with watching a show isn’t how well it’s written, how good the visuals are, or anything like that, the most important thing is whether you enjoyed it. and i enjoyed it!

i enjoyed watching yugioh zexal.

if you followed me through my journey watching the anime, thank you. i appreciate it.

this isn’t the end of my journey through zexal. i intend to read the manga too, so when i do get to that, if i end up wanting to post any screenshots or anthing i’ll be using the same tag. that’s sure to be an interesting journey as well.

but anyway. if you read this entire post, thank you. this is over 8,000 words long, damn.

#zexal liveblog #long post 235

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uzumaki-rebellion · 5 years ago

Text

“Wet Sugar” [Part 4 of 30]

Summary: Erik struggles with his Wakanda goals and the absence of Yani, while she, in turn, copes with the lack of support from her job and her daughter’s father...

Mature audience only. NSFW.

Looks like this series is going to be longer than 6 parts. Lol, I knew it, just like “Say Less”, I think I can wrap it up in 6, but the characters said “Nope.” I’ll say 9 now, and see where I can tie things up in a neat bow. Which is never really neat with Erik tbh.

Back to the next update....

"But baby Don't get it twisted You was just another nigga on the hit list Tryna fix your inner issues with a bad bitch Didn't they tell you that I was a savage Fuck your white horse and a carriage Bet you never could imagine Never told you you could have it

You needed me Ooh You needed me To feel a little more, and give a little less Know you hate to confess But baby ooh, you needed me…"

Rihanna- "Needed Me"

Yani didn't arrive at the compound Friday morning.

Erik hung around the pool for most of the day waiting to see if she would show up. He didn't pester Leona about where she was, but every time he heard footsteps coming down the walkway, or voices below the pool, he was up and about looking for any signs of her.

Nothing.

He replayed his contact with her the day before.

He asked for permission to touch her breasts. She consented verbally. The sexual release he received from playing with her nipples, watching those peaks drip with milk gave him the best orgasm he had ever experienced since…shit…since he had been with Disǎ. And that was almost two years ago. His only regret was that he didn't bend down and squeeze the warm liquid into his mouth, swirl the milk on his tongue, see what it tasted like.

Watching her fingers move frantically inside her panties had him curious about what she tasted like down there too. Her eyelids were half slits when he watched her orgasm ripple across her face. And fuck…the sound she made when she was cumming. It made his legs wobble.

The warmth from her lips when he pressed his mouth into hers brought into sharp focus the feelings of displacement in his life. Yes, he was a nomad, going from job to job in the most dangerous regions of the world, but he was used to that, accustomed to living out of duffle bags and airport lounges, his brain configured to collecting data about Wakanda and T'Chaka and compartmentalizing his hierarchy of needs on the most basic survival level. Erik understood and accepted what needed to be done. His purpose. And it was always about moving, moving, moving…

But that kiss, as fleeting as it was…it made him think of being still.

He had never had that experience before.

Even with his ex Disǎ and the deep yearning love he had, and still had for her, he knew that he was going to be in perpetual motion until he was sitting on the throne of Wakanda. Nothing got in the way of that.

Yani was just some random woman on a little rock in the middle of the sea. He had gone through many women over the years in various parts of the world. Black women just as fine if not finer than this one island girl cleaning and cooking for some roughnecks.

What was it about her that had him jumping up every few minutes thinking she was about to appear? Had him making extra excursions up to the front house with excuses that he was hungry or thirsty or had a question about the compound. Had him up all night fantasizing about sucking on her tits while he fucked her nice and slow. Some nine-month-old baby's mother, her pussy probably still recuperating from squeezing out that cute chubby infant…why the hell was he going online looking up info on vaginal sex after childbirth? The hell?

Erik ran his hands over his hair and stood up from the lounge chair for maybe the twentieth time just to make another trek up to the front house. He'd have to ask Leona about her niece in a round-about way before he went back into his room to jack off thinking about heavy tits spurting milk in his mouth. He wanted to leave teeth marks on her areola, deep imprints of his gold slugs…mark her in some kind of way.

"Fuck," he muttered stomping up the steps that took him to Leona.

She was cleaning up in the dining room after making a delicious lobster bisque with grilled tilapia for lunch. He wasn't fond of tilapia, it always tasted dirty to him, but she prepared it with enough seasoning that made it palatable.

"Hello again," she said.

The smile on her lips matched the smile in her eyes, and Erik thought for a moment that she was on to him. He worried that overt interest in Yani would make Leona opt to keep her from working there while he was present. Erik was a killer. She could sense that he was more than just a polite young man showing manners to an elder. He was part of Klaue's team, and he knew that she was also aware of how men like him could turn on a dime.

"My associate Tahir is flying in tomorrow. I'm thinking of taking him back to that club I told you about. Rush?"

"I remember."

"You said your nephew was performing there? What does he do? Sing?"

"He raps. Very good too. A lot of my nieces and nephews do. None as good as Kendall though."

"What day is he performing?"

"Saturday night. I don't know what time he goes on stage, but Yani said it was Saturday. They're all excited about seeing him. It's his first real show."

Yani would be there. Bet.

"Are you going to see him? I can take you with me and Tahir if you don't have a ride—"

"Oh no, that's for you young people. I will be home in my apartment watching my shows. Yani has been trying to get me to go, but….no…"

"I'll record his performance on my phone for you."

"That would be nice, Mr. Killmonger."

He wanted to tell Leona his name, but he wanted to keep some distance too. For now, he only wanted Yani to know it.

He stood watching her for what seemed like an unnecessary amount of time. He had the info he needed, but watching her move about the room reminded him of being with his Nana.

"Can I help you clean or anything?"

She stopped and looked at him, a questioning expression on her face.

"There's not much going on today, pretty much a free day for me," he said.

"You nuh go to the beach?"

"Went twice already. This morning and before lunch," he said.

"I'm surprised you nuh go to St. John like the others," she said changing out placemats for the dining table.

"I'm going on Sunday."

"You like being by yourself, Mr. Killmonger?"

"Most times, yes."

"Things 'round here are pretty much done—"

"You need any help prepping dinner?"

"Oh, no. Dinner will be easy."

"How so?"

"Mr. Klaue is taking you all out to eat tonight. I get a little break. In fact, I am going to watch a little tv now and kick up my feet. Thank you for offering help. It was a kind gesture."

Erik nodded and Leona's eyes regarded him with interest.

"Would you like to watch tv with me?"

He hoped he didn't sound too eager when he nodded his head with enthusiasm.

"Well then, come along," she said.

Erik followed her to the apartment under the house. It was small, quaint, and very neat. The type of neat Erik appreciated. Attached to the entrance of the apartment was a shed that contained the washer and dryer for laundry.

Looking around the apartment living room Erik admired all the photos of family Leona had up. Most of the walls were covered with framed pictures. He spotted several with Yani, many of them when she was younger and had hair full of braids with barrettes and big round bubblegum ties on the ends. Most of her pictures had some incarnation of her squinting at the camera, or holding a hand up to block the sun from her eyes.

She was a thin wiry girl in her youth, but Erik could tell by the shape of older female relatives in many pictures that she was predestined to have hips and an ass to make men weep. That was the amusing thing he found about the island folk. The women would be round and luscious and the men would be lean and angular. There were photos of Leona when she was younger, and Erik had to admit that the women in this family were stellar to gaze upon. Sydette's photos were front and center, and she appeared to be the focal point for the more recent photos of family gatherings.

"Sit, sit…"

Leona went into her kitchen and brought out a bowl of grapes and a bowl of potato chips.

"Would you like something to drink?"

"No thank you, I'm good right now."

They sat on the couch and watched Jeopardy and then Wheel of Fortune before she turned to world news. He was leaning back on the couch comfortably, stuffing grapes into his mouth and listening to Leona critique the state of affairs in the U.S. But then his jowls, the part of Erik's jaw-line that Tahir said made him look like a pitbull sometimes, grew tight when he saw King T'Chaka being greeted by the Queen of England. And by his side wearing a crisp designer suit was his son, a solemn-faced Prince T'Challa.

"Oh, that young man is handsome. All my nieces think he is so cute."

Erik grunted and Leona chuckled. He felt his blood pressure rise and he shifted his body forward to study their faces. King T'Chaka was all smiles as the press took photos of them inside Buckingham Palace. T'Challa's eyes looked pampered and bored.

Erik clasped his hands together. If he were alone, he would probably cuss up a storm or hit something. But he concentrated on being calm in Leona's presence. He could taste his anger on his tongue, a gelatinous cold thing that dampened his mood.

"I gotta go," he said bolting up from his seat.

"Okay, Mr. Killmonger," Leona said.

Her wary eyes watched him, the shift in the tone of voice and facial expression on him much too sudden.

Erik left a cold trail behind him when he exited the apartment. His feet felt unsteady as he walked the path that led to the cove and Yani's beach. He passed by Jerome sunbathing on a wide stone, the creature's eyes closed tight, it's tail flicking a bit.

Undressing and tossing his clothes on the sand, Erik ran into the warm waters and dived under a lazy wave. When his head broke the surface again, he let out a cry of rage that made the cords on his neck bulge. He punched at the water, raised his head to the serene azure sky and released a hot piercing scream that stripped his throat raw. The soft sand under his feet gave way and he lost his balance, falling backward, his arms flailing as he tried to prevent seawater from flooding his nostrils.

Gasping for air, he let out a few more pained shrieks until tears welled up and fell from his eyes.

If he didn't do something about the Udaku family soon, he knew he would burn up, self-immolate, a rabid spontaneous human combustion that would leave his charred remains still clenching fists and screaming to the sky.

Erik fell forward and a new wave lifted his prone body and carried him toward shallow waters. He rolled over onto his back and let the sea carry him while allowing the sun's rays to kiss his skin. Once a striking sienna, time on the island had enhanced his melanin to a sumptuous chestnut color, and he could feel the UV rays burning and darkening his skin even more.

Closing his eyes, Erik focused on letting the anger and frustration and hurt to rush over and away from him. It wouldn't disappear completely, but he could usher it into a corner for now.

His body rocked by gentle untroubled waves, Erik spread out his arms and floated.

Yani.

His thoughts went to her and how she looked when she swam in these same waters. Calm. Secure. At peace.

A calm came over him.

It started from the crown of his forehead and trickled down to his throat where it melted into his belly, unclenching the muscles there before reaching his toes.

He heard a splash.

Jerking up from his back, his eyes scanned the water. Was she here?

A small sea bird swooped over his head and Erik watched it dive into the water for fish.

He couldn't hide his disappointment. The need to see her clawing at him. Did she regret what she allowed him to do to her? Was she embarrassed? Did he cross the line by masturbating on her? So much of his semen had painted her as if she were a fine art canvass. Did it disgust her? Was it the sight of her breastmilk cascading down her stiff peaks and all over his hand and not in her child's mouth that drove her away? Did he waste sustenance meant for her child's growth and she felt ashamed about that? Regretful?

Her lips.

He wanted them again.

Wanted to hear her sighs of release, hear the sound of her fingers in wet spaces between her legs.

His eyes watched the liquid warmth create tranquility around his body.

He conjured a mirage of Yani, the way she was naked and pure when he caught her alone in the open water. Her legs so smooth and vivid and brown as she fell away from him, thighs wide open and giving him a glimpse of the treasure there.

He felt the familiar rush of blood to his center.

His erection bobbed in the water, the weight of it making his yearning for her worse.

"Fuck!"

He was wound up once more, her not being there agitating him and making his body tight again.

The fingers of his right hand slid down his length and encircled his wide glans. He squeezed then twisted his frenulum, his left hand dropping down to fondle his sack. A barrage of images hit him, all of Yani with his hands on her, moving her into various positions. His breathing became more pronounced and he found himself panting as he stroked himself, the heat of his stiffness making his fingers sweat. Pea-sized beads of pre-cum laced his tip and he swirled it around the head and dragged the natural lubricant down his length. He let his head drop back, his locs covering his eyes, the sun beating down on him as he rutted between his fingers.

He felt his glutes flexing, his heels digging into the sand, his toes spreading as he fisted himself faster.

"Oh shit…this bitch…" he gasped, his eyes only seeing Yani's lips and the back of her neck, the spread of her hips…fuck even watching her ass cheeks move while she wore baggy track pants and sweats with an oversized t-shirt had his toes tucking sand underneath his feet now. He remembered the way her eyes shined when he told her he would make her call him Daddy and then her nipples looked like they were crying through her shirt…just like they did when he had his beard pressed near her face and his breath was in her ear talking about Jerome. She had run away. She had also run away when he first saw her on this beach when he had put on his clothes while watching her with her eyes closed to stay modest around him, when he told her he would check on the iguana to give her privacy…

She ran away. She ran away each time her milk…

Wait.

Was he causing her to do that? Secrete fluid…?

The harsh groan that left his mouth superseded the ejaculation that had his seed shooting out into the ocean. He watched his semen hit the water and float for a bit before sinking and the rest washing away with the bigger waves rolling in. He sunk down to his knees trying to catch his breath while the water rinsed his body. Even with that intense release, he wanted more.

And she wasn't there.

He needed her there. He needed to whisper in her ear. Needed to touch her breasts again. Needed to allow his hands to fall down the small of her back and pull her in closer to him. Needed her big brown eyes to look up into his eyes again.

"Yah get too comfortable, Killmonger."

That's what she told him before he made them titties pump.

Nah. He hadn't even begun to get comfortable with her.

###

It was the last hermit crab race of the day.

Yani spent two three-hour-long tours hiking tourists around and exploring Cas Cay the small deserted island they stood on. She gave the Eco Tour spiel about the tidal pools, volcanic cliffs, and the geological blowhole they observed before doing the crab races. The only thing they had left to do was spend time snorkeling in the coral-fringed mangrove nursery. She stood among the red mangrove trees with fifteen tourists wearing beachwear. Their kayaks were tied together and waiting for the last crab to clear the finish line. She was tired and feeling bloated from wolfing down a bacon sandwich when no one was paying attention to her as they all disembarked from the kayaks.

Checking her waterproof watch, she hustled the group to gather their snorkeling gear.

Back in her water element, Yani led the people to safe places to snorkel and kept watch for people who wandered off. She tread water with her snorkel gear resting on her forehead. One of the tourists, a red-faced man from Belgium who was part of a Princess Cruise line kept lingering near her. Yani could tell he was going underwater near her to look at her ass and chest. She was wearing basic board shorts, but her backside was a bit extra. Her tankini top had her tits smashed together and showing some cleavage, and every time she turned around the man was at arms- length distance, his underwater face aimed toward her. Perhaps if she were taller and her physique stretched out a bit, her ass and breasts wouldn't look so prominent. But she was just a tiny bit above average height and came from a family of short round curvy women. Most of her baby weight had dropped, but her Aunt Leona kept her fed well with the rich foods from Klaue's compound, so she was going to be hefting around extra for a minute.

"Sir, please respect my personal space," she told him when he came up to clear his googles of condensation. Her fingers twirled the cowrie shell choker that hung around her neck.

"Excuse me?" the man said, looking shocked that she said that to him out loud where others could hear.

"You are swimming too close to me."

The man's wife overheard her and came splashing over. Her pasty face blocking the sun from Yani's eyes.

"What's going on?" she said.

"I was telling him not to swim so close to me—"

"I was not swimming close to you. I swam past you—"

"Sir, I won't argue with you. I am simply asking you to—"

"Yani, what's happening?"

Ugh. Patrick, the Eco Tours assistant manager.

"This man has been looking at me underwater and I don't like it."

Patrick, as always, went into tourist damage control, ignoring her issue. His fake plastic smile attempting to smooth the tussled tourist feathers.

"I'm sorry for this," Patrick said to the tourist.

"Why are you sorry? I just asked him to stop—"

"Yani, it's time to start heading back. How about rounding up the others, please? Thank you."

"But this man—"

"Yani, do your job—"

"I am doing my job—"

"I really don't like her attitude or her accusations," the wife said.

"Your man was looking at my ass—"

Patrick gave her a look, his smile a frozen grimace. "I did not!" the man said, his accent thick and flustered once he saw the other tourists gathering around them.

"Yes, you were! My ass and my chest!"

Glancing around, Yani could feel eyes on her. Many sympathetic, but no one spoke up for her. Now she was beginning to feel like the odd man out. She took a deep breath. She needed this job. The hours were flexible and the pay was pretty good by island standards. Where else could she get paid to swim and play in the water? She decided to swallow her pride.

"You were swimming too close, that's all."

She walked away with her snorkeling gear in her hand and placed them in the lead kayak, the one she used to guide them all to the cay. Paddling back, she could hear the husband and wife barking at one another in French. Yani was happy to be rid of them as she collected gear to be sanitized for the next group of tourists.

When she was finished packing away all the gear and cleaning up the kayak launch area, Patrick called her into his office.

"I gave that couple a refund," Patrick said.

He sat behind the cash register and scrolled his cell while talking to her. Yani shrugged. One hundred and sixty dollars taken from the company.

"You used to be an awesome employee—"

"I still am. I get the best surveys, and I get the biggest tips—"

"Yeah…but lately, you've been moody and a little difficult—"

"How? When? Who has complained about me? I'm your best—"

"Not so much anymore—"

"You're a liar—"

"And you're fired. I just received the okay from Heather.'

"Did you tell her what that guy did?"

"I didn't see anything and neither did anyone else. You overreacted."

"Give me my money!"

Yani held out her hand.

"Heather has to cut you your final check—"

"No, you fire me on the spot, you give me my money on the spot—"

"I can't…"

Yani grabbed her phone from her work cubbyhole and dialed.

"Heather, if you fire me then you pay me right now. I swear to God I will bring my cousins back here if you don't tell Patrick to pay me. I'm going to file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau too. Or maybe I sue you. One of your customers made me uncomfortable and I only told him to stop…what? Yes, he's right here….do that then."

Yani hung up and the office phone rang. Patrick picked it up.

"Eco Tours…yeah, Heather…yeah…I didn't see anything, she just accused the guy. Okay…alright."

Patrick hung up. The second shift staff were filing in and some watched the expression on Yani's face as she held her hand out.

"Money, now!"

Patrick punched in a code on the register and it opened. He counted out two-hundred dollars in cash. All twenty-dollar bills. He handed it to Yani. She snatched it and stuffed it down her tankini. She stomped out of the office cursing under her breath. Kendall was waiting for her, his old Yamaha V-Star motorcycle spit-shined and propped up by its kickstand. He handed Yani his extra helmet.

"What's wrong with your face?"

"I got fired."

"What? Why?"

"Some dirty old man kept looking at my bumper and my tits. But they said I have a bad attitude. Take me home to my baby before I fight everyone in there."

Her cell rang.

"What Heather? No, it's not right. Patrick doesn't respect me or my work. You know I work hard. I make people return here. Two years Heather…how can you tell him to fire me and you don't have all the facts?"

Yani could see Kendall's face getting stressed listening to her. She patted his arm.

"I'll call you tomorrow, Heather. Yes, I have my money. Okay. Bye."

She thrust her phone into her tankini top right on top of her money.

"Boss Lady?" Kendall said.

"She wants to talk about what happened today. Gave me my job back. Scared I'll sue. All they had to do was believe me the first time and back me up. But them worried about foreign white people being unhappy. Kiss their asses and leave mine hanging."

She sucked her teeth and climbed onto the back of Kendall's bike.

The ride home to Red Hook was congested with cars as people made their way to popular tourist sites. Kendall weaved in and out of lanes and Yani enjoyed the sun warming her back and drying her work clothes. Resting her helmet on Kendall's shoulder as they waited at a slow traffic light, Yani felt herself beginning to get excited for Saturday night.

Eighteen months.

That was how long she had not gone out with friends. The moment she was pregnant, Chez had her locked down at home. When her parents made the decision for her not to stay with them, she still was pressured by Chez to stay indoors when she moved in with Leona. No lunch dates with her girlfriends. Family gatherings with her extended family lasted twenty minutes and then Chez was hustling her away. Even shopping for baby things was frowned upon.

He didn't want her out in public, didn't want her around people who could influence her decision to stay with him or not. When she stood up for herself, he bullied her with verbal abuse. He knew not to lay a hand on her because her family would slice his balls off, but Chez was a master of psychological warfare. Telling her she was fat and ugly and that nobody would want her if she left him. Called her lazy when she wanted to sleep because Sydette was a big baby while she was inside Yani's belly. All of this happened in the later stages of her pregnancy. In the beginning, he was sugary sweet to her, begging her not to abort when she had doubts about having a child with him, promising to be the best father ever.

But when her belly got big, he started in on her. By then it was too late. By then she knew he didn't really want to be a father but her controller. When she became disenchanted with him, the war for her self-esteem began. He wanted to keep her down. Only because he didn't want anyone else to have her when she was so openly done with him.

Chez slept around and then went after a woman that sniffed him out when he first had his record contract.

Ursula.

She was nothing like Yani at all. Ursula's family had a little money, some connections…the right skin tone, the right educational background. Chez may have thought Ursula was a step up for him, but he was most definitely a step down for Ursula by the way her family reacted to him. Their friends used to tease Chez and call him the Dark Gable of the island. Tall and lean, Chez had gorgeous skin that was like midnight silk and a smile that looked like diamonds lived in his mouth. Yani's dream boyfriend. God, she loved him so. Loved him with all the naïve stupidity that young girls had when first love is acute, visceral…painful in its honesty because they have nothing to compare it to. She let him use her body as much as he wanted because that was her man, and her man could have anything he wanted at any time. If he called her late at night and said come over now, she was hopping on that dick quick-quick, even eating his ass if he wanted, which he loved.

To walk into a club or a house party with him was the epitome of being a celebrity in their tiny world. Chez had that "it" factor that made people into stars, and that was the fantasy made false when he became popular. It started with Chez doing a few bars here and there on songs by other up-and-coming artist's mixtapes. Then there was the indie single he put out that had Yani singing the hook for him. She wore revealing clothes for him onstage, simulated fellatio on him at performances…anything to help him succeed. He told her constantly that money was on the way and she could go to school on his dime. They were on their way. When the contract came through and they took their first trip to Florida, Yani's parents fell for the pipedream too. Once they allowed her to take a gap year and saw how good Chez was to her, they loosened their grip on their relationship.

But then Sydette was conceived.

Next came the rumors of the girl with the long loose curls and rich background hanging with Chez's entourage when Yani wasn't around. Rumors of Chez texting the same girl late at night to come jump on his dick. Then the non-rumor of Chez running behind some pregnant girl buying new baby clothes when Yani was laid up with stitches inside her torn and still bleeding vagina as she tried getting Sydette to latch onto her nipple and suck. The non-rumor of some girl driving around the island in Chez's car with a baby girl that looked exactly like Chez, but with hazel eyes and skin the color of the sand Yani stuck her toes in on Klaue's private beach.

Lookie.

"You quiet, Yani," Kendall said, trying to sneak his motorcycle past a hotel delivery truck.

"Just thinking about you performing tomorrow. And me looking cute."

"You know Chez will come."

"I know. I don't care."

"Does Zachary have to come?"

"I'm tired of people asking me that. Chez nuh own me. He can't control who I see. I like Zachary. He is good to me and Sydette. Do you know how hard it is to find and date a man when you have a pickney hanging off your tit? I deserve to have fun with a boyfriend."

"Oh, he's your boyfriend now?"

"Working on it. We are exclusive now. Moving slow and easy. Still dating, not a couple-couple yet, but we agreed to see only each other,"

The words came out and Yani felt the whispery ghost of guilt when she thought of what Erik had done. What she had allowed.

He was dangerous.

Scary.

Persuasive without saying a word.

What if he wanted to do that again and she didn't?

All the men at the compound carried firearms. He could put a gun to her head and force her if he really wanted to. Catch her walking down to the beach alone…

She shook her head, bumping her helmet into Kendall. "Easy back there," he said.

Traffic began to pick up a bit once they passed the docks.

Twyla was standing out on the apartment balcony with Sydette when Kendall pulled his bike in to park.

"Look. It's Mommy!" Twyla said helping Sydette wave down to Yani.

"Hi, Sweet Pea!" Yani called up, and she could see her daughter’s chubby legs kicking at the sound of her voice.

With her daughter in her arms, Yani smothered her with kisses, pleased to know she had the next two days to herself. Monday would be interesting only because the new men would be arriving at the compound, and she was curious to see who would be joining the wild bunch already there.

"She ate already," Twyla said tickling Sydette's barefoot.

"Why you have my baby in only a diaper? People think I can't afford clothes for her."

"Too hot for clothes, huh Sydette? Too hot to be wearing all that extra material," Twyla said. She reached out and touched Yani's hair. "You want me to touch up this color? Your roots are coming out."

"Should I change the color? I saw this platinum shade that would look so good on me."

"You don't want something darker?"

"I look good with light hair. Makes mi skin look like brown sugar. Cuz you know girls, girls dem sugah…"

"…the girls dem need this nigga, yah!" Twyla finished by winding her hips and giggling.

Sydette stared at them both then grabbed for Yani's cowrie shell necklace.

"Zachary keeps calling. You give him some already?" Twyla said.

Yani slapped Twyla's arm.

"We are courting still."

Twyla rolled her eyes

"Twist my locs?"

"No. I just got home. I'm tired. My hands are tired—"

"You want blonde hair again?"

Yani frowned.

"Let me rest for at least an hour."

"I'll give you two. I have to wash my hair first."

Entering the apartment, Yani was met by another cousin, Dex, who sat in front of the TV eating cereal.

"Yani!" Dex shouted.

"You still giving Twyla and Kendall a ride tomorrow?"

"Yes. I'm bringing Boogie and Donald too. Cee Cee is bringing Dulan and Sonya."

Yani looked at Kendall.

"See? You thought your family was going to be too busy and all your favorite cousins are coming."

Kendall beamed and poured himself a bowl of cereal.

"Auntie coming home today?" Dex asked.

"Tomorrow night," she said.

Dex clapped his hands.

"Just make sure you clean up this place before she gets here."

A two-bedroom apartment and a sleeper-couch housed a baby and five adults. Everyone worked and everyone contributed to the household. Leona worked six days a week on the compound when Klaue was around, and less than two times a week when he was gone. Her nieces and nephews covered her rent for the place in exchange for staying there while she was away.

Dex was happy because he would be able to sleep in a bed for one more night before returning to the couch with Kendall.

"What you cook?" Yani said sitting on the couch rocking Sydette in her arms.

"Got take-out," Dex said stretching his arm and reaching for Sydette's foot.

"Beef Patties?"

"Burger King."

Yani rolled her eyes.

"You don't have to eat it."

"I won't," she said popping Dex in his head.

"Stop that," Dex said.

Sydette reached out and grabbed Dex's hair, her fingers slipping through his matted curls.

"Ow…girl…"

He unhooked Sydette's fingers from his scalp.

Kendall dropped down on the couch next to Yani.

"She's bringing Zachary," Kendall said.

Dex glanced over at Kendall and then Yani.

"Yani…" Dex whined.

"I don't care what you say," she said lifting Sydette up and checking her diaper.

"This is why we end up having drama—"

"Won't be no drama—"

"You know how Chez is—"

"And? He laid up with that hoe and another baby. Fuck I care? I'm there to support my family. Zachary is taking me out to dinner and then we are coming to the club. This is a special night for we and I won't listen to that man's name being uttered in my ear."

Her tone of voice made it final.

"Who is watching Sydette?" Kendall asked.

"Anika."

Yani's youngest sister agreed to watch her baby mainly so she could have her little boyfriend hang out with her at Leona's apartment. Ever since Yani's baby mishap, her younger siblings had been under a strict regime. No boys or men allowed in the house. So they had to sneak. Yani wasn't worried about her sixteen-year-old sister though, Leona would be there to keep an eye on them. Anika was still at the holding hands stage with boys, and the young man she was smitten with was a cornball who loved Anika because she loved anime like Yani, and played RPG games like a pro. Love at first online game.

Yani rubbed Sydette's back. Her daughter was resting against her neck and falling asleep. She could smell the fresh clean smell of baby shampoo in her child's hair, and the deep comfortable breathing she had when she was in her mommy's arms.

Yani reached into her tankini and pulled out her cell and her money. She shoved the cash in Dex's face.

"Take this for the house phone and light bill and put the rest on Auntie's cell phone bill," she said.

"I already covered all that, you keep this for school and Sydette," Dex said folding the bills back up and putting it into her hand.

"You sure?"

"I was able to get extra hours at the Job, so I'm good. They didn't hire too many seasonal workers this quarter."

Yani leaned over and kissed her cousin on the forehead. Every little bit helped. She could apply some of that cash for taking her TEAS test, the first step in trying to get into nursing school on the island. The aptitude test would assess if she had the skills to qualify as a nurse, and the administrative fee was eighty dollars. The rest of the money she would use to get Sydette diapers and some new baby bottles since she broke two of them transferring them home the other day. Any leftover money was going towards some new sneakers. The rubber on the back of her Nike kicks were peeling and crazy glue wasn't helping to save them anymore.

"Can you watch her while I shower?"

Dex took the sleeping baby in his arms and Yani walked into her bedroom and grabbed clean clothes and underwear.

Sleep.

She wanted a long uninterrupted sleep and a plate of beef patties with melted cheese. And some strawberry ice cream with rainbow sprinkles.

Cool water woke up her skin, and she quickly cleaned her body. Rinsing off, her fingers trailed over her areolas, gently skimmed the tips of her breasts as Erik's face came to mind. All day he had been flitting in and out of her thoughts. How would she face him on Monday? It would be difficult to pretend that nothing happened because she couldn't trust her own body around him anymore. She had kissed him, so how could she serve breakfast or lunch, or even clean the pool properly if she would have to look at his lips and not think about them being on hers? Why didn't she say no when he asked to touch her? It would've been so easy to walk away and just deal with her breasts, leave the compound and just ignore him for the rest of his stay.

Her Aunt would catch on too because Leona caught every subtle look, word, or action in that place. She had to. These were bad men who pretended not to be bad, who often spoke in code around them. Auntie would be very cautious and her eyes would be wide open. Watching for anything to be off or strange. Yani knew with absolute certainty that they were really bad men when Leona had her help clean Klaue's personal house and she showed Yani a secret escape passage that Klaue revealed to her in case anything ever happened on the compound. Leona was never to reveal this passageway to anyone who came there. Everyone except for Yani.

The compound was usually pleasant and nothing terrible had ever happened. Only the occasional hurricane threats brought any worry. When Klaue was gone overseas or back in his home country, the compound was paradise and the energy felt lighter to work in. She would swim in the pool, sunbathe, or read books on the patio and pretend to be a spoiled rich girl.

She found it greedy of rich white people like Klaue to own so much property and hardly ever be there to use it when her own family would kill for the space to live on their own island. Three houses sat empty eighty percent of the time simply because some foreigner had money to waste. How nice it would be to let her daughter crawl around on the private beach, or float on a little raft with a view of her own sea? Maybe one day run around through beautiful plants and trees with Jerome? Lay on a big soft bed like the one Erik had in his room all the time.

Her fingers played with her nipples until they were stiff. She turned off the water and stood naked, feeling the pleasure of her own touches. Her fingers on her right hand dropped down to separate the folds of her prominent inner labia. She manipulated the slippery skin, inserting the middle and ring finger of her right hand inside her vagina. She proceeded to thrust in and out as she pictured Erik's hand working his erection, the slit on his tip dripping…

Yani grabbed the detachable shower nozzle and switched the mode to pulse and placed it over her throbbing clit. She had to hurry, wasting water was a no-no. Gently sliding the hood of her clit back and letting the water splash on her perfect pink spot almost brought her to delicious completion until a knock on the bathroom door interrupted her. "You almost done in there?"

Kendall's voice broke the serenity of her self-pleasuring. She removed her fingers and rinsed off completely before shutting off the water. She didn't bother to dry off, just threw on clean panties and a sky-blue cotton bathrobe. She ran a roller of deodorant under her armpits then opened the bathroom door.

"All yours," she said.

She went into the bedroom she shared with Twyla to find some shorts and a top.

"Yani!"

Dex called out to her from the living room.

"You need something?" she asked, thinking Sydette was fretting because she wanted her.

Dex was standing at the open front door.

"Where's Sydette?" she asked.

Dex nodded his head outside the apartment entrance.

Yani padded over to find Chez standing outside holding Sydette in his arms. She reached for her baby. Chez took a step back from her hands.

"She's fine. I'm her father, calm yourself," Chez said.

Her daughter's eyes stared at Chez like he was a stranger with bad energy. Her little face vacillated between pre-tears and fretting. Soft little grunts of air escaped her lips.

Hair twisted into tiny peppercorn sized locs around his scalp, and a new gold-chained necklace hanging from his neck, Chez stared at her bathrobe, his eyes focusing on her breasts.

"You with someone?"

"I just got out of the shower. What do you want?" her voice was rushed, her eyes focused on Sydette. He made her nervous holding her.

He pulled a wad of cash from his pocket. She took it and counted it. Fifty dollars.

"That's it?" she asked. He owed her way more than that.

"You know I have other responsibilities—"

"You are two months behind, Chez—"

"When I get more, I'll give you more. You are working and making enough money—"

"I work three fucking jobs! If you gave me what we needed, what we agreed on, then I could quit one of them and be with our baby more since you don't want to spend time with her—"

"I'm here aren't I? I'm holding her now, right?"

"It would help me if you could keep her sometimes—"

A car horn honked.

Chez looked behind him.

"Stop honking the goddamn horn!"

His raised voice startled Sydette and she started crying, her arms reaching for Yani.

"Stop crying," Chez said, his arm pulling Sydette away from Yani.

"Give me my baby," Yani said. She tried to keep her face calm. The car horn honked again.

"Stop pressing on the fucking horn, Ursula!"

The yell from Chez's voice made Sydette wail. Yani grabbed her child and yanked her away from Chez.

"You brought your bitch to my house?"

"Watch your tongue—"

Yani stepped around Chez to get a good look at Ursula sitting in the passenger seat of Chez's car. The apartment was on the second floor of a two-story building.

"You can afford to pay what? Five hundred dollars a month for that car, but you come bring me fifty dollars? How do I stretch this out for a month for your baby?"

Yani cradled Sydette's head against her neck. Calm gurgles came from her daughter's mouth now that she was out of Chez's arms.

"I'm doing the best I can, Yani."

"So am I. But I'm tired. Our baby deserves better. I deserve better. It's not right how you treat us—"

"Chez, let's go!"

Ursula stepped out from the passenger side of the silver sporty Honda. She held Chez's other daughter in her arms.

"Your woman is calling you," Yani said.

"When I get some more cash I'll bring it to you."

Yani reached out and pulled on the new gold necklace draped on his neck.

"How much this set you back, huh? Give it to me so I can pawn it."

Chez pulled her hand off of him. He leaned over and kissed Sydette on the cheek. He pulled on Yani's robe at the waist and kissed her on her cheek too.

"I have some money coming in soon. I'll be able to pay back what I owe you and then some. Okay?"

Yani stepped back from him.

"Chez!" Ursula's voice was incessant, "we need to go!"

"Stop yelling in front of my home!" Yani shrieked down to her.

Chez herded her back into the doorway of the apartment.

"Why did you bring her with you? You always try to hurt me, rub my nose in your trash," she said.

"She's not your issue. I'm here for the baby. I'll see you soon."

He rubbed the top of Sydette's head and bounded down the walkway to hit the stairs.

Ursula had a smug look on her face as Chez came back to her.

"Get your butt in the car," Chez said slamming his driver's side door shut.

When they were gone, Yani stood on the balcony trying to keep it together.

"Yani?"

Twyla came out to be with her.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah. He just…" She held up the money.

"Fuck them," Twyla said.

"What did I ever see in him?"

"Don't drag yourself. You were young and in love. Just like many people. He fucked it up by being a jerk. That's not your fault."

Yani held Sydette close to her heart.

No matter what Twyla said, Yani would always feel like loving him was her fault. Her fault for choosing him willingly.

And now her baby had to suffer.

###

Zachary had gone to the bathroom when the man with the dark flashy eyes approached Yani by one of the big speakers near the make-shift stage inside of Rush. He wasn't white, or Latin as his swarthy skin and wavy dark hair suggested. He was dressed like he had money…plenty of it. He was a little tipsy, but in a cute flirty way.

"You are a Goddess and I want to marry you," he said. His voice had an accent like he was from one of those places that always had America fighting. Iran? Saudi Arabia? Iraq?

"I'm sorry, but I am taken," she said. She gave him a smile when his face looked hurt by the response.

"If I told you I needed you tonight, would you come with me?"

The man's eyes were shiny and the mirth in his voice made Yani laugh instead of flicking him aside like a mosquito.

"If you ever change your mind, Goddess, I am here for you."

He gave an exaggerated bow and Yani walked past him to greet her cousins who had all arrived in a pack, shifting the energy in the room with Galibar essence. Their family was well-known, and it was easy to move in the space knowing family was around looking out for her.

Hands on her waist spun her around and Zachary pulled her in for a hug. He was happy and excited to be out with her, constantly pulling her out onto the center of the dance floor so people could see them. It was nice to be with a man who was proud to be with her. Their dinner together had been perfect, the food excellent, and when they arrived at the club Yani felt more like herself again. She wasn't a mommy, or someone's girlfriend, or some worker bee running from job to job…she was just Yani and hanging out with grown-ups, responsible for no one but herself.

She dressed like a star. New make-up she saved up for. Gold choker on her throat. A long yellow dress she ordered online from the States that had cute green and red shapes on it that made her skin look bronzed by the sun. She did feel like a Goddess as her dress flowed around her hips with a small slit at the bottom that gave a tiny peek of her left leg. She even let her cleavage show just straight feeling herself. She allowed herself to drink liquor knowing she had milk bottled at home for Sydette for the next day. She was going to savor this night for a long time.

She extended hugs to her relatives and friends who hadn't seen her out in months. Compliments flowed and Zachary constantly hyped her up. When other men stared at her, Zachary's chest puffed out with pride. She liked how he was secure with thirsty eyes on her.

Rush was filled with gorgeous women, and Yani was happy that she could feel pretty again, not schlepping around in her usual sneakers and sweatpants. Her gold lace-up sandals gave her toes a little trouble at first, but now she was used to them as she moved with Zachary.

Wall to wall patrons crammed into the space and she was happy that Kendall would have an enthusiastic crowd to hear him live.

"Let me have my cousin," Dex said grabbing Yani's hand and taking her over to Monice and Twyla. Zachary nodded and watched her be ushered near the side of the bar.

"Kendall is having a panic attack," Dex said.

"What?" she said.

"He's over by the D.J. booth. I tried talking him down, but he's super nervous and says he can't remember his setlist, and one of his singers isn't coming…he's in a panic. I told Dex to find you," Twyla said.

"Jesus Christ," she said.

Yani waved Zachary over.

"Kendall is losing it, I have to talk to him," she said.

"Want me to go with you?" Zachary asked.

"Yeah, he needs some cheerleaders right now," Yani said.

She held Zachary's hand as she pushed past dancers, the deep bass in the club vibrating through her body. She could see her poor sweet cousin Kendall leaned up against the D.J. booth, his eyes closed and his hands balled into fists. Yani knew the butterflies of pre-performance jitters, but she learned early on to use her nerves to give a good performance. But Kendall was new to this, accustomed to backing other people on stage, not being the center of attention on his own. She hoped he could get through this because a ton of people paid money to come see a show, and he was one of the headliners. His first time being that. It would be a disaster if he couldn't get it together.

"Oh! It's my Goddess again! Here is that vision I was telling you about-!"

That guy again.

Oh shit.

He wasn't alone.

Yani halted in her tracks when she saw Erik sitting next to the Arab man at the bar. Locs cornrowed on his head, eyes relaxed from the drink in his hand, Erik's gaze took her in like he didn't recognize her. Something flickered in his eyes and he leaned forward, his free hand reaching out like he was going to touch her until he saw Zachary next to her.

"Killmonger," she heard herself say.

"The fuck yuh doin' here?!"

Chez's voice almost made her legs buckle when he stalked over to her and grabbed her elbow.

A nightmare made real.

Yani stood still, her eyes darting between three men who were aware of one another and sizing one another up.

"Hey, what is this?" the dark-haired Arab man with the reverent voice said.

Yani grimaced when she felt Chez's fingers digging into her skin. He was pulling her away from Zachary, his hot eyes raking up and down her body taking in how she was dressed.

Yani released her hand from Zachary's and placed it on Chez's arm to try and pry him off. He wouldn't let go, his grip tightening. It hurt.

Erik stood up.

"Take your hand off her."

Erik's voice sounded deadly like it could kill someone in seconds with the terse tone.

His friend stood up with him, feeding into the warning energy Erik gave off. At that moment, Yani knew the Arab man was one of Klaue's men too. Chez had no clue who was confronting him.

"Mind yours, breh. This my baby's mother—"

"—don't give a fuck who she is to you. Back off her—"

Yani's eyes went to Zachary and he stood there not sure what to do, confused as to who Erik was and why he was intruding.

"I need to talk to Kendall!" she shouted shoving Chez away from her. She stomped away from them all. She could hear Erik and Chez going back and forth and when she glanced behind her, she saw her cousin Dex and Dulan pulling Chez away from Erik who was smiling at Chez, his thick neck moving side to side like he was ready to body her ex.

Zachary was right behind her, his face stressed.

"You know he was here?" Zachary asked.

"Why should I care?"

"Who was that other guy? He acted like he knows you—"

"Kendall!"

Yani touched her cousin's neck and his eyes flew open.

"Yani. I feel like I want to throw up," he whispered.

"Calm yourself. It's okay. This is normal—"

"No, it don't feel normal."

"Tell me your songs," she said.

"Bumper…um…Phase Two…Crash Land…She Sez…"

"Good, you know the order and everything. What happened to your back-up?"

"Gloria is here, but Asha is a no show. I go on in ten minutes and Gloria doesn't want to go up without Asha—"

"That's some bullshit," Twyla said easing up next to Kendall and handing him a cup of ice water. She made him drink and rubbed his back. They both could see Kendall calming down.

"Do you have music with their voices already recorded?" Yani asked.

"No."

"Where is Gloria?" Yani asked.

Kendall shrugged.

Yani glanced around the club looking for Gloria. Zachary stood near her, his face looking flustered.

"What?"

"You're not worried about Chez starting something again?" Zachary asked.

"My cousins will snatch him up if he tries something again. Don't worry about him—"

"You still didn't answer me about that other guy—"

"What other guy?" Yani said still scanning the crowd for Kendall's singer.

"The big dude—"

"Zachary, I'm trying to help Kendall, okay?"

"What is Gloria wearing?" he asked.

"She has on one of my shirts, red with me on my motorcycle. She has a big afro…" said Kendall.

"I'll go look," Zachary said.

"Thank you, Zachary," Yani said. She squeezed his arm and watched him leave.

She could see the patrons positioning themselves closer to the stage.

"Hey, Kendall, we doing alright?"

The club D.J., Junior leaned over from his booth, worry on his face.

"He's fine!" Yani said making her voice sound cheerful.

"What?! Yani!" Junior said stepping down from his spot in the booth.

He gave Yani a big hug.

"You look good!" he said.

"Here for my cousin," she said looking over at Kendall, encouraging him to perk up more.

"Are your girls ready Kendall? I have hot mics ready for them. We go on in five—"

"Found her!" Zachary said ushering Gloria back over. The girl looked petrified.

"Kendall, I can't go up by myself—"

"You have to, he needs you to start the song to introduce him!" Twyla interjected, the peevishness in her voice hard to ignore.

"It won't sound right with just me—"

"Make it sound right, you're not gonna fuck up my cousin's show little girl," Twyla said getting into Gloria's face.

"Twyla, that's not helping her—" Yani said.

"Show goes on now, you doing this or not Kendall?"

Junior was all business.

Kendall's eyes sought out Yani.

"Gloria, please, this is where you have to be professional. The show goes on even if part of your crew isn't here. You can't let Kendall down," Yani said.

"Gloria, please," Kendall said.

"Kendall, it's time," Junior said climbing back into the booth. He held out a mic for Kendall and Gloria.

Gloria reached for the mic and Yani felt a sigh of relief flow through her.

"Are you ready for some great music?" Junior called out on his mic as he punched keys on his computer cueing up Kendall's tracks. A roar of "Yes!" came back from the crowd.

Yani held her hands clasped together in front of her silently praying that all things would work in Kendall's favor. Gloria had the mic in her hand, but she looked like she was ready to run.

Junior dropped Kendall's opening track and the room absolutely jumped with the massive bassline. Yani felt her cheeks pull tight as she smiled hard. The track was slapping so good. Gloria stepped forward and started humming, her lackluster energy killing the vibe already.

"Ohmigod, this bitch!" Twyla shouted.

"Give her a chance," Yani said as she bit into her lip, her own nerves scattered when she saw Gloria tanking the performance before it even began.

There were titters from the crowd and many of the people who had been swinging when the beat first dropped now stood still trying to figure out how it all went so wrong in fifteen seconds.

"Give me that goddamn mic you stupid girl!" Twyla said racing onto the platform that was used for the stage.

"Yani, c'mon," Twyla said shoving Gloria aside, "give me back again," Twyla said to Junior who synced the music back to the beginning.

Yani shook her head at Twyla.

"Yani…" Kendall whispered.

Kendall's eyes were wild-looking, his nerves frayed, and at that moment, Yani knew she had to do whatever it took to salvage this for him.

She stepped onto the stage and grabbed a mic that Junior held out for her. The music rattled the walls once more and the club lights lit up and heated her face. She quickly focused on what she needed to do. This was Kendall's first track…"Bumper"…an ode to asses. She heard Kendall rap to this track for weeks, had to hear the hook being sung every damn day she came home from work while he was in the shower.

Twyla wound her hips to the dancehall-tinged track and when her eyes met Yani's, she nodded her head and they both faced the audience and gave Kendall a proper introduction.

###

Tahir had been mumbling about some woman he saw when he went to the restroom, but Erik found himself trying to avoid Isis, the girl he slept with at the Marriott.

She spotted him at the bar and Erik made sure to stay cordial, but she was cramping his style by hanging off of him the way women did after he messed with them. She looked amazing in her peek-a-boo skintight white dress and red heels, but he was not feeling her at all. Even when he introduced her to Tahir who was extremely good-looking, Isis stuck to him like cops on a niggas ass. He was already pulling women that could help him get through his stay on the island, but this bird was clucking too much.

He went dancing with a random girl who walked past him and Isis still didn't get the hint. Finally, he was just straight up with her saying he was just trying to have fun with his friend and wasn't interested in hooking up that night. She was buzzing from drinking rum and his words didn't seem to halt her advances until he physically left her at one side of the main bar and moved with Tahir on the other side.

Tahir was in island heaven, his eyes taking in all the sights of bright lights, heavy Soca and Hip Hop beats, and the thickolicious women roaming the club, so many of them single.

"I swear to you she must be in the employ of a jinn, her eyes…may Allah bless me with a wife with eyes like that…. Oh! It's my Goddess again! Here is that vision I was telling you about-!"

Tahir shoved Erik's shoulder and he turned to see Yani walking toward them. When she stopped in front of them Erik thought fate was fucking with him because she had just crossed his mind again, him wondering if she was out on the floor dancing or on her way to the club. His eyes couldn't release her from their hold as he saw what she looked like outside of cleaning and cooking for the compound. It was her, totally her, but she was just so…

He couldn't even figure out the words before he was reaching out to touch her, wanting to already pull her into his arms and keep her next to him. But then he saw her fingers entwined with a man standing behind her.

He heard her say his name, not the one he wanted her to call him, but the one he hid behind, and she still made the harshness of it sound so sweet to his ears. He longed to pull on the straps of her dress, slip one down from her shoulder and place his lips on the skin there. The gold choker on her neck made him want to place his hand there and squeeze, push her against a wall and pull up the gauzy dress she wore that made her curves too visible for his comfort. He knew what was under that dress and he wanted to see it again. See it on his bed, her legs stretched open wall to wall, her big eyes looking up at him when he entered her heat…

Before he could even gather himself and act chill, (as if the sight of her with some other man didn't bother him when it clearly did agitate him), another dude was yelling at Yani, man-handling her as if he owned her.

Erik saw Yani grimace and that was it.

When she broke away from her baby's father, he wanted to follow her, but the other guy she was with trailed behind her and the baby daddy started to act buck with Erik.

"You ain't gon' do shit, bruh," Erik told him, even laughing at dude when he started flexing for the crowd, but not really trying to go there with Erik. Two other men came over and pulled the man away, calling him "Chez" and Erik made a mental note to check the guy out. He was so quick to come down on Yani, Erik got the feeling the dude was trouble and could retaliate.

"You know her?" Tahir finally said when the commotion calmed down.

"She works at the compound for Klaue."

Tahir's eyes perked up, but when he glanced at Erik, he got the hint that she was off-limits.

He sat back and sipped on his rum again, his eyes scanning for Yani and spotting her near the D.J. booth talking to some people. A huge banger thumped through the speakers and Erik head-bobbed with everyone else as they all watched a cute woman climb onstage. She started humming and then her voice faded under the music.

Did she forget the words or something?

Another woman came on stage and snatched the mic from the first girl and told the D.J. to start the song over. That slamming intro whopped everyone over the head again, and this time he watched Yani climb onstage and join the new girl and they sang a hook that made the crowd go buck wild.

Shit. They sounded good, Better than good.

"Is that my Goddess again?" Tahir squeaked, bouncing on his feet.

Erik stood up and rocked along with the club patrons. The smokey deeper alto of the other singer cradled Yani's honey voice, the harmonies flowing to a young dude who bounced on stage, his energy high and infectious as he spit bars that elevated the music even more. Kendall. Erik yanked out his cell and began recording for Leona.

"Fucking incredible," Tahir said nodding his head and raising his hand when Kendall told the crowd to.

Yani and the other woman rocked behind him as Kendall extolled the virtues of why he loved a woman's ass. Yani and the woman bounced their ass cheeks to the beat, turning sideways so the audience could see what they had, and Erik felt a groan clamp down in his throat watching Yani stick her tongue out playfully and shake her cheeks low, her left hand clutching the hem of her dress as she showed everyone the outline of high-grade shelf booty.

The first song ended and Kendall introduced Yani and his other cousin Twyla. Both women bowed to the audience and stood behind Kendall as he went into another song that was just as good.

The kid was good, a little shaky on his transitions, but he held the audience pretty well. The second song didn't have a need for Twyla or Yani, so they just danced together being excellent hype women for their cousin who had pretty decent bars and clever delivery. The last two songs they joined back in and when Kendall was done with his set, he received hearty applause and whistles from the crowd.

"Now we have to pay our respects people…," the D. J. said, "Yani…Yani…come back up here love."

Yani took to the stage again as Kendall stood next to her beaming.

"Yani sang on Tattler's mixtape two years ago, and was on Big C's song 'Recognize Me', yuh remember? She's our Black mermaid!"

Murmurs from the crowd let him know they knew those tracks.

"Yani, take us back for a minute girl…please…"

The D. J. dropped a tune and the crowd shouted. Yani covered her face as Kendall laughed and patted her back. It was a hybrid of dancehall and a tiny bit of dub.

"I came here to watch my cousin perform and chill with my family Junior!" she said.

"For old times sake, Yani. We've missed you, love. Sincerely. You a real one."

The D.J.'s words triggered something in her and Yani covered her eyes. She burst out crying. Erik stepped forward wanting to touch her face and wipe those tears away, but Kendall stepped up and rubbed her back, whispering something in her ear.

"We love you, Yani!"

A woman's shout from the crowd, made Yani lift her head up.

Erik put his cell phone down.

"You got this, Yani!" Erik yelled at her. Yani's face gazed back toward his direction and the audience agreed with him by clapping for her.

"Turn me up," she said to the D.J. and he made her mic a little louder, "Can I freestyle? I don't want to sing that old version. Mi nuh want anything that reminds me of my ex."

The crowd laughed.

"Do what you feel, Yani," the D.J. said.

The music brought her back and Erik knew she couldn't see him, not with those bright ass lights on her face, but she stayed gazing out in his direction.

"Yuh my likkle water boy,

Wind me up like I'm yuh brand new toy

Yuh bring new kinds of joy

And me wahn some more

Wull on pon me

Wull on pon me and take away all me stress…"

Her flow had him moving his hips along with everyone else.

"Did you know she could do that?" Tahir asked, his fingers popping and his feet bouncing side to side.

"Her Aunt said she sang," Erik said, mesmerized.

"Me wahn to peel yuh like some fresh ripe fruit

Lick you down like my Auntie's soup

Got me pattin' on my kitty cat

Me suspect

You wahn grip my neck

Lookie,

I'll let you whisper me the rest

I promise this no test

Stop makin me vex

Come wull pon me…."

Fuck.

She was singing to him.

Erik felt the hairs on his neck raise. Her voice was way too intimate and the lyrics too specific to be about anyone else other than him. Her tone was seductive and she hadn't changed the direction of her stance facing his way.

"Lookie

Won't you come over love

So I can show you love

Promise I got enough to give you all you need

Lookie

Some lovers search to find a love like mine

A love as good as mine

I'll never waste your time

Such a vibe…"

When she finished, she giggled and let the mic hit the side of her hip. Erik felt like everyone could see that the smile on his face was for her and only her. Kendall hugged her and the club patrons clapped.

"Give it up for Yani, the Black Mermaid, yeah!"

"She needs to be home takin' care of her pickney!"

Chez's voice rang out loud and rude.

Yani's head turned in his direction, and Erik felt ready to stomp the nigga out right in front of her.

"What kinda mother hang out in a club with tits out like that? Shame!"

"Fuck you!" Yani yelled out to him and the crowd laughed.

Erik spotted Chez leaning on the other side of the bar.

"Out here being a hoe. You no hot girl no more—"

The crowd heckled Chez back.

"It's ok, it's ok, him try to shame me. It not gon' work. You want this smoke, Chez? I give it to you. Junior, give me Chez's beat. That old Big C joint he couldn't make pop."

Yani stepped to the edge of the stage.

"Run that beat back fuh mi," she said, "I see you. I got your hoe right here."

Chez threw his hands up egging her on.

"What you got for me, huh, bitch? What? You got nothin'!"

Erik felt his jaw clench.

"And dis a wah mi get fi understand Seh yuh cya keep yuh dick inna yuh pants Yuh think seh fucking every gyal mek yuh feel more like a man Yuh supposed to be my right hand, my go to And nobody nuh fi come to me about you Cause when yuh down, I lift you up I keep you moving when yuh stuck Yuh ma nigga you supposed to be my goku Or my best friend, who yuh texting Everyday yuh seh dem gyal yah upsetting But I'm patiently waiting Because anuh my time dem wasting Anuh my time dem wasting

Yuh tired dickhole

Pack up and leave if yuh nuh want mi Cause mi honestly rather be lonely Yuh nav nuh time fi me, yuh all fi yuh self, I see Pack up and leave if yuh nuh want mi Cause mi honestly rather be lonely Yuh nav nuh time fi we

No time fi Sydette or mi…"

Erik shoved his fist up to his mouth along with everyone else in the club as heads turned in Chez's direction.

"See, that's what happens when you come for me," Yani said.

She handed the mic back to Junior and stepped away from the stage with Kendall's arm thrown around her neck. The laughter was ferocious and it cut Chez deep, especially when she mentioned Sydette at the end.

Erik strolled over to the man to keep an eye on him, but Chez turned around and stormed out of the club with his boys.

He watched Yani get pats on the back and hugs as she made her way over to the bar. When her eyes caught him again, he thought he would have a chance to talk to her, but her boyfriend entwined his fingers with hers and took her out to dance.

Erik grabbed the nearest woman's hand and pulled her out on the floor with him.

Anything to be near Yani...

###

Part 5 [Part 6]

youtube

Authors Note: Lyrics that Yani spits is stuff I made up mixed with actual Jada Kingdom songs, “Wull On” and “Love Situations”.

Tag List:

@fonville-designs @soufcakmistress @cherrystainedlipsbaby @tclaybon @thadelightfulone @allhailqueennel @bartierbakarimobisson @cpwtwot @shookmcgookqueen @yoyolovesbucky @raysunshine78 @the-illllest @terrablaze514 @l-auteuse @amirra88 @jimizwidow

#killmonger #killmonger fic #killmonger fanfiction #killmonger fanfic #killmonger smut #njadaka #njadaka fanfiction #erik stevens #erik stevens fanfic #black panther #black panther fanfiction #black panther fanfic #klaue #ulysses klaue fanfiction #marvel cinematic universe #killmonger imagine #wakandacon2019 #wakandacon

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t-citurnity-moved · 4 years ago

Note

HEY TALK ABOUT YOUR LOVES

Ohohohoho.

My thoughts are more or less about the boys, BUT I feel like I also need to provide context because this series has been such a huge part of my life.

So, therefore, let's start at the beginning.

GOD THIS GOT SO LONG AND I AM SO SORRY BUT I HAVE A LOT OF THOTS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I have been part of the fanbase (not gonna say fandom, because that implies I'm active at all in the d//m//c "community" when I absolutely am not) since before 2010. That's 10+ years of enjoyment in this series. 10+ years I've been holding onto my feelings because I wasn't sure if it was right to love fictional characters. I still wrote and roleplayed with other people who were also in the fanbase, because... well, writing OC / Canon at the time was the closest anyone could get to saying "I want to date this character and not be judged." (But we all know that even then, if the OC wasn't written a specific way then they'd be considered a sue / stu; don't even get me started there.)

I fell in love with Dante first. He was the main character up until Nero starred in D//M//C4! So why wouldn't I love him? The first piece of media in which I really broke into the series was the anime and that's only because I really loved anime at the time (now not so much, mostly because I don't have attention span, etc). And boy... ohoho boy. I loved him even more. I think it's partly because that was my first real look into the series that I love D//M//C2 so much, because I'm more inclined toward the ""edgy"" side of Dante; wacky wahoo pizza man is cool and all, but I also love retrospective Dante who's a bit serious. Doesn't mean he's not the same Dante, because he absolutely is. But I hate how the fanbase portrays him sometimes. (The same fanbase that hates D//M//C2 and probably hates the reboot too, BUT I'LL TOUCH UPON THAT IN A MOMENT.)

The fact that Dante can be a serious person when he needs to be (or even if he's like... killed his brother several times and is therefore entering into a depressive state because who tf wouldn't) seems lost on a lot of people and it makes me sad. Because when I first really started branching into the fandom, I was (and still am) the same way... I just feel like 2Dante and Anime Dante are just... more relatable? So I lean toward them more than anything because I can understand them more? Because I too have depression and struggle with it? (By no means am I saying that 4/5 Dante don't have depression, I just think at that point he deals with it differently. I have a lot of headcanon there and that in and of itself is a whole ass different discussion. I also think discovering that Nero is Vergil's son / his nephew also helps him handle his depression as well, because "wow... at least I still have some part of Vergil left, even if it is only his kid" plays a bit role in how Dante recovers, BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT I THINK.)

I even think 3Dante has some level of depression going on, even thouh that's the start of the series and it doesn't really start going downhill until after those events. I mean, losing his mother at a young age and also thinking he lost Vergil until, SURPRISE SURPRISE, Vergil invites him to a "bash" which is really just some ploy to gain power? I just think at that point, it's manageable for him; he doesn't struggle with it nearly as much as he does in 2 + Anime. That being said, the fact that he's so """wacky wahoo""" also leads me to conclusion that, even if it is "manageable," he does still struggle at times and I feel probably overwhelms him at times, so he tries to manage BY being upbeat about things. Which, anyone who has depression knows, is so fucking difficult to do. The fact that Dante can keep going despite all this shit going on in his life makes ME feel like I can keep going.

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON VERGIL AND HIS PROBLEMS. Dude just wanted to be protected and loved.

Actually, LET ME get started on that. Because I have a lot of thots.

Vergil grew up believing their mother chose Dante over him. That she didn't try to save him. That Dante was more important to her than he was. He grew up with this inferiority complex because he didn't know WHY their mother never came to save him. He also grew up thinking he wasn't strong enough to save HER. That's why he actively sought out power, while believing humans were "weak." That's why he manifested this hatred for being half-human. Because he couldn't save his family and, for a long time, he was led to believe his mother didn't care for him nearly as much as she cared for Dante (IE. "saving" Dante, but not Vergil).

Vergil's thirst for power is just misdirected feelings toward his family. He should've been mad at demons for attacking them in the first place, but because he grew up believing what he did, it became hatred toward humans instead. That's why he hated Dante, too. In reality, I don't think he really "hates" Dante, just feels severely inferior (which he veils by """having""" a superiority complex instead of the opposite, which he actually has). I think he just had a lot of conflicted emotions that he was never able to work through. Which is why I love the idea that he and Dante, post-D//M//C5 could reconcile at some point. Because neither of them really hated each other, they just had conflicting viewpoints due to one event that go thrown out of proportion somewhere along the way. Vergil just wanted what Dante had, which he perceived as the love of their mother, because she "chose" to save Dante instead of him. In reality, she tried to go after Vergil too, but simply didn't survive. Vergil was entirely unaware of this, so obviously he'd be upset. It's the crux of all his problems.

Vergil HIMSELF even theorises what would happen if they switched places that day! He wonders what would happen if he and Dante's lives were swapped! (Which, TBH, would be a pretty neat AU, heheheheh.) Legit! "If our positions were switched... would I have your life? And you mine?" DUDE WANTED TO KNOW!!! He wanted to know what it was like to BE Dante, to be LOVED, to be PROTECTED by the ONE PERSON they had in their lives at the time! They only had their mother, so OF COURSE Vergil would be upset due to the circumstances! HE JUST WANTED TO BE PROTECTED AND LOVED.

3Vergil doesn't show much of this side of him, because he's just angry and going through a lot and he JUST wanted to be powerful enough that no one could hurt him any more. He would NEVER say this, but dude....... You cannot convince me this dude just wanted to be powerful to keep himself safe. To feel like he finally would've had enough power to protect the people he loves AND himself. He just didn't want to be hurt again. This is, by NO MEANS, an excuse for his actions. It's an explanation. His actions shouldn't be excused because of his ~ f e e l i n g s ~, but I firmly believe that post-D//M//C5, he could redeem himself for these actions. For everything he's done, he can realise it's wrong. He can grow to be a better person. He can reconcile with Dante and even be a good father to Nero. He can be better and I want to believe that he WOULD be better. After everything V went through, discovering that he doesn't really want to be the person he used to, Vergil can change and be better.

OOFIES. This has gone on long, BUT I STILL HAVE THOUGHTS ABOUT THE REBOOT BOYS THAT I STRUGGLE TO PUT INTO WORDS, SO BEAR WITH ME IF THIS SEEMS STUPID OR GARBLED.

Context for the reboot: It's basically a remake of the series that got poor reception because people struggle to accept change. :) I will not debate this and anyone who wants to come at me can eat my socks.

Dante 2.0, like original Dante, HAS PROBLEMS. He's an edgy punk bitch who has problems and he's so ugly I love him.

This dude went his entire life struggling with his identity as someone "human." At one point, he was so convinced he didn't have a heart that he ripped open his own chest to see if he did. Yeah. Dude has issues. But it's ok, because in game, he legitimately sets aside his own issues with people to save humanity. Dude's got such BDE.

People hate him, but I feel like they fail to realise what the hell he's been through. He's been through just as much shit as original Dante. Same goes for Vergil 2.0. These boys have been through SO MUCH, but people don't see that because "Nooo!! You can't just remake the series!!!" Meanwhile I'm like "hehe handsome nephilim boys go brrr."

I literally cannot begin to explain the amount of hate people have for the reboot and it makes me sad, because... like.... y'all.... don't realise... these dudes... went through so much shit..... and yeah... I get it... remake bad, original good, but dude.... my dude.... my bro.... you do not have to hate it that much.... calm down, it's just a video game....

My dude Dante grew up in the system because the foster homes and shit he got placed in were run by demons!!! So he'd lash out at them!!! He was violent because demons suck!! They killed his mom and enslaved his dad!!! Imagine!!! Being surprised by that!!! When you know what he went through!!! Damn, couldn't be me!!!

Vergil went through some shit too!!! Like!!! Yeah, he was adopted into a rich family and lived a pretty cushy life, but fact of the matter is!!! Their parents died and they had their memories WIPED when they were kids!!! Imagine!!! The distraught!!! When he (since he found out who he was long before Dante did) realised what had happened!!! When he remembered!! When he discovered he wasn't human!! My dude founded a whole ass group of demon hunting hactivists because he knew demons sucked and wanted to make the world a better place. It wasn't until after Mundus (big stinky demon man) died that he started realising how frail humans could be and decided to be an asshole about it.

I'm so sad that there will never be any more about the reboot, because fans decided to be assholes about it. I'm so sad that we'll never learn more about what happened to those boys. I'm so sad that we'll never be able to see whether they reconcile or even have the opportunity to.

Alas, I have to rely on heavy headcanon and personal re-write of the story to fix canon instead. :<

#dlselfships #c.txt #WHAT DO I TAG THIS AS????#ANALYSIS???#ITS NOT SHIP BS SO CANT USE THAT TAG BUT UHHHHH #analysis bs #ok sure good enough #LONG POST #IM SERIOUS THIS POST IS SO LONG AND I AM SO SORRY #I JUST HAVE A LOT TO SAY ABOUT THEM #dan.te #ver.gil #dante 2.0 #vergil 2.0 #AAAAAAAAAA NO ONE HAS TO READ ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HONESTLY ITS JUST SOME STUPID THOTS I HAVE AND THEY KINDA SUCK???#also you can tell im SOOOOOO BIASED when the reboot stuff comes in #oofies i loved the reboot and as soon as i saw the first trailer i was like!!! hehe hot man go brrr #even tho i KNEW people would hate it #but hey here i am.... still loving my reboot boys....

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vivace-joyous · 6 years ago

Text

The Umbrella Academy 1x01-03

okay, so I have been watching this new show cause y’all know I love me some group based narratives. And the premise feels very fun with lots of ways they can play around with it. It’s like Sense8 if Sense8 focused more on worldbuilding and constructing an overarching narrative to connect all the characters too. However, I find these two shows to be inverses of each other even though their premises are similar thematically. UA and S8 (how I will abbreviate them) seem to excel and stumble in a complementary fashion. Before I get too deep in what I mean, I should talk more about just the UA itself and my general impressions over the first 3 episodes.

OVERALL, it’s enjoyable. I feel like the world building and the over arching plot are the two main elements propelling me through the series. Which like... GOOD! That’s what is supposed to happen when watching a show. If you don’t like the story, watching the show feels like a task. But I am genuinely intrigued by the mystery of the show and what will happen next. Five: “The world will end in 8 days.” Vanya “I’ll put some coffee on then.” Solid way to end a pilot and leave me wanting more. Not just for the next episode, but that is a great way to kick off the first season. BOOM! The Hargreaves have to band together and stop the world end of the world. I just appreciate this because it gives a solid foundation for all other storylines to center around. It is something your brain can stay conscious of throughout each episode and I feel that is such a strong element and important element for a tv show to posses to be good.

Continuing with the writing, I think so far the pace is decent and the writing is competent from episode to episode. The less important, character-driven storylines are given weight but never take too much focus from the main plot. The dialogue is passable. It doesn’t have a very distinct personality to itself though. If the character is not eccentric themselves, then they probably won’t ever say anything interesting. Which ugh ehh. I just wish the dialogue called more intention to itself because that way the writers could infuse more character moments in fun little quibs. However, it does its job so I can’t complain.

But I will complain about the use of flashback in the show. The flashbacks feel more used to quickly establish something that is happening in the present day storyline than really be anything more than that. Which is.. like technically okay and the POINT of a flashback. But it is so cliche and I believe there are other, more unique ways to deliver information than just cutting to a flashback. Granted, I do love seeing then team as young teens fighting crime. That’s super cool and I wish the show showed more of that. Cause MY GOD does this show need some more ACTION scenes in it.

I feel like my biggest problem in the first 3 episodes is that the action feels second to the drama and that totally needs to be reversed. I’m so sorry, but outside of whatever Five is doing, all the other individual character storylines are so fucking boring. I don’t care what any of them do when it doesn’t relate to the main plot. I think that’s why I like Diego’s character cause his whole thing is ABOUT the main plot. I mean, I feel like the show will deliver in terms of action. It’s clear that more insane elements will get thrown in and the filmmakers do like the demonstrate the special powers in fun ways. So I am excited to see what action scenes will come up. I just think overall the show needs more cause the melodrama kinda sorta makes the episodes drag. Like, why is Diego constantly in his fight clothes but he has only been in 2 fight scenes? And Five has like what 3 or 4 in just the first 3 episodes?

And MY GOD DO I HATE HOW THIS SHOW IS SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!! UGH the cinematography is fucking crap. I hate how it is lit. I hate how the director decided to compose the shots. I hate how there appears to be this like.... haze fliter???? on everything??? Like every scene looks cloudy. It’s like supersaturated. I don’t like it cause 1) I feel it does not help the tone of the show. I feel like we shouldn’t take everything so seriously and have more fun with the premise. But this smoky haze filter makes everything more somber and I think it bumps with most of what actually happens on the show. And 2) it genuinely makes it harder to make out expressions in the actor’s faces. Ugh fire the DP. They are doing a terrible job.

Let’s talk about the individual characters:

1) Luther. Hate him. Boring white man. Why is he “the leader of the family” after the dad has passed? Like he has not a single interesting aspect about himself. I am honestly so bored every time he talks. And it doesn’t help with the fact that the actor’s head is way too small for the illusion they are trying to create for the character. It’s like “Yeah, let’s put a stale ass, tiny ass white man head on this GIANT 7 foot muscle clad body. He just looks bizarre cause his face says “5′11″ and toned” but his body is that of a bodybuilder. I just wish they found an actor who is just massive like that already for the show. The ridiculous costume they have him in honestly takes me out of it for a bit. And it doesn’t help that they actor isn’t really trying to do anything with the character. Luther says lines. Luther is strong. That’s about it. I will say that despite him being “Number 1″ and “the leader of the family” the show hasn’t given him that much screen time and we still don’t know much about him at all. Which I really appreciate cause it is giving a lot of other (more interesting) characters necessary focus and thus makes getting through Luther scenes that much easier. I don’t know need to learn more about it. Just have him be strong in a corner.

2) Diego. MY FUTURE HUSBAND!!!!!! HE IS SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!! I WILL SUCK THE SOUL OUT OF HIS DICK AND ASS HE IS SO FINE OMG yeah badass martial artist who throws knives and has a bit of an anger management problem. I am SMITTEN! I mean eww why the fuck does he have to be straight and keep hitting on that one detective. Honestly, ugh I hate that he is straight. It’s boring and unoriginal. It would have been neat for him to be asexual. He is good looking so people assume that he would be a lady killer. But he is WAY too obsessed with fighitng crime that he literally doesn’t pay attention to his own sexuality. But WAHTEVER! The queer character has to be the eccentric one with the drug problem alkfhadlskfadslkfbdskh ANYWAYS I like hos Diego adds a healthy amount of doubt amongst the group. In terms of constructing group dynamics, he is a lancer AKA the one always playing devil’s advocate. I think he adds a valuable perspective to the team and it will be interesting to see how the family will solve problems with integration of Diego’s help. I don’t like how the show handle showing the relationship between Diego and Mom/ Grace. But I will dive more into that when I talk about the flashbacks.

3) Allison. My god is she boring. But like, in the perspective in how she is an actress, yet doesn’t act like an actress. I mean, yes some actors can act like “normal people” but like... most actors don’t. I say this as someone who lives in LA and knows actors. They have BIG PERSONALITIES. They like to be KNOWN! However, Allison just feels way too subdued and “normal”. Like, okay she must have pursued an acting career of her own violation. So she must be a person who loves attention and strives for their chance to be in the spotlight. Everything needs to revolve around them. But that’s not Allison. She isn’t really anything. She is concerned about her daughter... if feel like that’s the only real thing we have learned about her so far. I wish her narrative had an angle about her being attention seeking. During the scene when all the siblings were reading Vanya’s autobigraphy, the voiceover cut to Allison when the VO mentioned attention seeking. Which, if that is an aspect of Allison’s character, then SHOW it to us. Have her do SOMETHING besides give creepy incest bedroom eyes to Luther.

4) Klaus. Finally, an interesting character! His powers are unique yet have a direct influence on how his personality is shaped. His is a drug addict because dead people are constantly trying to talk to him. Kinda sorta metaphor for the mentally unwell and how they abuse drugs because “It makes the voices go away”. They just have a lot of things they can do with him and the writers know this. They obviously have some extra fun when writing him. I just wish the other characters were a lot more sympathetic towards him. Like.... maybe try and talk to him about his drug problem? Rather than patronize it literally every single time you talk to him. SERIOUSLY every single scene Klaus is in with one of his siblings, they always HAVE to mention his drug problem AND THEN scold him for it. Like............ that’s not very constructive? Like at all! But I guess that’s just how some families are to one another. Also, it is very interesting to see how they are handling Robert Sheehan’s performance in UA compared to Misfits. In Misfits, he has a tendency to devour each scene he was in, to the point where he felt like the central character of that show. But Nathan was such a great character, that often times you didn’t mind how he would steamroll over others because it was done in such an entertaining way. But in the UA, the director’s have chosen to use Robert Sheehan’s signature eccentric style to flavour the scenes, rather than change the tone of the scene altogether (unlike how they used Nathan in Misfits). Anyways, I am most intrigued to see what they will do with his character.

5) Five. I don’t have too much to say about him because I feel like there is a lot more to be discovered about this character. Overall, I like the concept around the character and tbh he gets some of the best scenes in the first 3 episodes. I am truly impressed with the actor portraying this character. I think he is doing quite a great job in giving us the nuances of the character. A 58-year-old trapped in the body of a 13-year-old. Like, I get that. I see that. It works and I am here for it.

6) Ben. WOW so the one Asian one is dead and barely gets any lines. Ugh okay. Really REALLY want to learn more about him. Really intrigued with how he died to begin with. Hopefully the show shares this story element in an interesting way that connects to the main plot in a way other than just thematically.

7) Vanya. I.... I wanna hold my tongue about her. Cause she is obviously the audience perspective character for this world. So there isn’t much to say about her besides her being a tool to help the audience get integrated into the show’s world. I just... I gotta wait cause I feel like they are going to do something cool with her character and I don’t wanna make any.... undeserved assumptions. I just want more from her which like... I guess is a good thing?

#the umbrella academy #Imma try and do reviews for this show #but it probably won't be episode by episode like I did with Sense8 #netflix #review #tv show

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talesfromacrip · 4 years ago

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Tea Time With Yours Truly:

Don’t you love it when you finally realize you’re truly moving on from a toxic situation like the adult you are, when a song you like makes you rethink your visions, feelings, etc. of someone?? or it that me? everything starts to feel entirely new again though regardless. better n’ cooler bc you know you’re not suffering anymore.. just, a fantastic feeling. woo

fucking incredible. I’m F R E E. absolutely free. still hurts though. some things made me realize I should’ve done it sooner and I did. as best I could, i did.I tried all I could and I succeeded for the most part,but damn do they haunt me so badly. I hate it.

Go away, pest. the last 5/6 years have been an emotional roller coaster for me and I want off.somehow I did,the ride still catching me occasionally and pulling me back on, dragging me to the unknown

((some good things happened here n’ there like me meeting some friends I still talk toooo, playing new games and finding new animes))

it’s just good to know though that my mind doesn’t associate them with anything anymore bc they didn’t deserve anything much tbh. just like told me

———

I really want to bug my online buds constantly. From when I get up to when I fall asleep. send them memes, all that funky jazz..but I don’t. I can’t. I feel like I’m too clingy.. too needy.

I AM ACTUALLY. I shouldn’t care, but I do. Maybe it’s because I’m too emotional, too sensitive, too much, blah, blah, blah. Something "bad". Shit the grump hated that has just stuck to me like black balloons since. (( NF is the same with his mental issues. I’m glad to know I’m not alone with thinking of depression, anxiety, etc. as black balloons. Their like lifeless weights, but we still feel them weighing us down))

I love constant communication, especially from close friends.. bug me. 24/7. whenever, whatever. I don’t do anything. much that is. I’m overwhelmed when communicating nowadays so help me out pls??or not><

I don’t ask for it much though bc i was put down for asking for it. I was always told to say certain things as well, not think a certain way, send things at certain times. nothing nsfw even though we where adults. no art much bc it was always judged, other dumb shit.. I felt like the ultimate fucking bother bc of that.. person.

So I stayed to myself because of that and that made me worse ove time.

((I drove some people away when I did and I still am I feel,but I’m trying not too.. I couldn’t deal with myself though, I felt absolutely horrible. When I did, I said some nasty shit and I regret it all because a prick made me feel like complete shit and worthless about myself. I didn’t have to take it out on others like that, but wow.. I did. If I told anyone though,he’d come after me and that was what I didn’t want.. so nice huh?))

I felt like a broken down old dog. I still feel like that occasionally not as bad. not a pleasant feeling at all though

Are all of the things that make me like this really that bad or annoying or make me even less though?? fuck no it doesn’t. It makes me wayyyy better and much more cooler honestly, but those feelings still linger bc the manipulation was so bad..

—

Why the hell would you want me to be boring or better yet be with a boring person who doesn’t talk much and puts others down for similar behavior??

Why would I be with someone who doesn’t share any interests with me much or puts mine down bc they’re childish or unnecessary??

Why would I be with someone that doesn’t communicate anything at all and whatnot,like...please tell me??

I’m genuinely fucking interested.

They told me I was always being too nice all the time. too soft, too babyish. too honest. too sensitive. blah, blah, blahhh. whenever I said something that was tooo personal or informative it’s like: "That’s too much information don’t ya think??" UMM, N O?? "Don’t say that around me ever or I’ll unfriend you and never speak to you again." Okay.. THEN DO IT, PUSSY.

Fucking asshat, douche canoe looking ass cunt.. ((He didn’t like those words or almost any word tbh it seems. true killjoy, I swear and I thought I was. I couldn’t even say oh my god or anything with lord in it because he’d then start saying "why are you saying that when you’re an atheist?" Umm actually I’m agnostic.. ))

he hated the whole "umm actually" deal too that I would do.. literally drove me up the damn wall every time. who fucking cares if I say that?? I’ve been accustomed to it because of my parents and people in general. come the fuck on now

It’s pretty common to say, twit. Don’t take it seriously, joke or not to piss me off to make you happy..man, he irritated the hell out of me and I’m glad he’s gone. like..look ‘bud’ should I just be angry and a constant liar and hateful and just, overall vile like you then all the time?? Guess so huh!! ohh boy!!

Which was almost that unfortunately.. i’m not good at lying and all like you though, you snake. when I did it wasn’t how I was feeling, it was how you felt.. which disgusted me.

I was always honest to you. maybe a few lies, but those were mostly about certain games that I didn’t really play and what I was laughing at. which was your dumb ass most of the time.

He made me start to hate things that made me very happy by being a total prick about it.. I miss feeling overwhelmed with overflowing joy for the things that bring and brought me peace.

I still have it, but it’s not as strong as it was before because some dumb fuck stepped on it too much telling me I’m weak in the process.

I couldn’t like anything anymore much without hearing him yelling at me occasionally and others as well that I never noticed till everything happened. just,yelling at me loudly and telling me how awful i am and other annoying, idiotic shit.. maybe that was your plan all along , to ruin me. ruin my confidence, my strength and my will to move up and thrive in life..

you tried dragging me down your well for being myself when you couldn’t.. pathetic. I bet you’re happy bc you feel like you ‘succeeded’ with this,but you didn’t win the war.

You never will

———

they always manipulated me to dislike the things in life that made me happy. This irritated me a lot.. ((my interests in obscure and ‘buttrock’ bands/music in general, anime, weird games, my love for peculiar art, my badass friends..))

said absolute dumb shit if I got closer to some more than them. ((making me waste sooo much god damn time. say you’re busy all the time even though you live a "boring fucking same day to day lifestyle." tell them how you can’t message all the time when in fact you can and that you’re constantly on the only device that gets you connected to the world outside. tell them.)) makin me lie and be distant about how I felt with some of my amazing friends..

It was never about how I truly felt, but how they felt for me. (("Ohh they made you feel like that?? Well, it made me feel like this and you should too because //insert dumb explanation here//.", "You shouldn’t feel like that towards them, they don’t deserve it.", "Maybe I deserve to be treated like that instead, screw them.", "Don’t feel like that towards them or //issue//, thats absolutely appalling, childish, flat out sappy.", "Don’t let them know how you’re really feeling.. just act like you don’t care at all. They don’t care to help you anyway or else you’d be living a better life.", "They’ll just spread it around so just stay quiet instead until spoken too about it."))

E N D ME !!!

Pls, I beg of you.. not really but the thoughts though, please

———

he would tell me to not bug him when hes on a game, but he could to me. even on social media, which is how we stayed connected and not by messenger pigeons like it’s the 1500’s.

"Don’t bug me on FB when I’m not on." Okay, but I wanna share this with you...?? also, how the hell am I gonna know when you’re on when I’m drawing and trying to occupy my on edge brain??

proceeds to spam me shit in process irritating me. "Don’t bug me, don’t bug me" I hear like a whiny little baby.

"Why do you bug me all the time??" UMM, MAYBE BECAUSE I CARE AND I WANT TO UHHH, IDK SHARE THIS NEAT SHIT WITH YOU??? PENDEJO PUTA DE MIERDA!!

"I’ll message you and send invites when I feel like it." - Shithead towards the end. Circa 1818. ((Yeah, weeks or a month later like nothing happened. "I’ll see you later or tonight when I see you on, get back on, when I’m done eating" just, excuse after excuse..))

((IM ALWAYS FUCKIN ONLINE 24 GAT DAMN 7. YOU KNOW THIS, SHITHEAD. I ALWAYS WANT TO TALK TO YOU OR SOMEONE IN THE DAMN GROUP. DNT FUCK WIT ME, MY TIME, OR PATIENCE LIKE THAT ANYMORE. ENOUGH. S T O P. And it did.. thank g o d))

———

would literally make me wait around and feel like a complete and utter fool when instead he could’ve messaged and been like maybe tomorrow or something, but no.. nothing. made me believe in all sorts of dumb shit. ((Sad I did, but I was pretty gullible. still am. some stuff was just, a big nope though and obvious. I wouldn’t let him get to me that much, but he did in some ways.. disgusting ..))

I was made to feel like I was cared for when in fact I never was to begin with. explains a lot tbh. I felt like a disgusting half empty shell of a person with barely any fragments of a heart and soul left inside. that’s very dark, I know, but that’s how it feels in a way

"It’s not real, this depression you’re feeling, it’s just a phase. it’ll pass/ just suck it up and move on / don’t worry about it you’re fine, you’re just overreacting or overthinking about it / think positive more and be happy nothing bad has really happened to you yet/ I remember when you didn’t act like this."

HOW AND WHAT?!? EXCUSE ME, PEASANT!? SAY THAT AGAIN.. TO MY ACTUAL FACE. I DARE YOU N’ YEAH, I DO TO CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.

———

I love how people ((friends and some mutuals)) thought I actually wanted to be, be with him, romantically and all that, that is but I just couldn’t..it was never there. I felt it for others though or someone to be exact, during those times which is how I knew I was in a toxic situation and it wasn’t real love or love in general I felt for them. just a facade

I just couldn’t let people know how badly he was treating me so I was sucked into a woven web of lies that got out of hand and ruined some pretty good moments for me completely it seemed

I never once wanted to fuck him or anything of the sort.

at first, we were kinda flirty and sweet with one another. talkin about cuddlin n’ goin on silly dates when we meet ya know. cute and fluffy things. things I got shit for down the road keep in mind. we’d give each other cute lil compliments to one another. It was just, cute and fun stuff ya know. especially since we were young as well.

there was never anything sexual between us either or too sexual, just crushy feels. ((I’m really fucking glad because mm, mmm. hard fucking pass))

he’d never and i mean never get my moist meter high, EVER. drier than this damn valley I live with scattered tumbleweeds, I tell you. not even a lil tingle. no bells ringing.fireworks flinging. I thought about it too and I’d just get disgusted tbh. thats how I knew

I felt like he’d be the worst in the end anyway and he was in general. he wasn’t even comfortable with himself or his sexuality and others things.. sooo, noooo, NOPE. thank u, next!!

I’m completely comfortable with mine.. thanks to my friends and some a bit more. I’m a bit scared to admit though that I’m demi bc of manipulation, but it is.

Happens unfortunately and I know I’m not alone on this journey of self acceptance. I wouldn’t have mind talking about it though, in a calm civil manner like adults do instead of giggling and making weird noises like an idiotic child.

Having it being brought up randomly amongst mutuals and all that got extremely awkward too as well, I hated it. "You wanna fuck him?", "You ever thought about it you two since y’all so close?" crickets and a few mumbled noises.. HA.mmm, I cared about him or what was left of him, not like that. honey flower ain’t or never will be feelin it for him.. EVER. HE EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATED ME AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW SEX THAT MUCH OR MYSELF LIKE THAT SO FUCK HIM. uwu

She’s kinda quiet and scared tbh because he’s such a total killjoy asshole. she senses fear. she knows who really gets her bud blooming. just, the thought of him though like that made me wanna scream and kick him in this stupid ass face.

Ruined a lot of things for me, I swear but I’m moving on as best as I can.

—

He had this switch flip type of mood. I don’t even remember how or why it happened, but it just got worse during and after his breakup it seems.

Which was like 3-4 years ago. started happening out of the blue and over time it just started to bug the living fuck out of me. daily. I was starting to hate it and hate it I did. made my skin crawl.. ((all the Linkin Park jokes))

It made me hate myself which I never did much tbh and I didn’t like that at all.. I wanted out, but I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know who to talk to bc he’d come after me if I did especially if they knew him..

they didn’t though and were on my side, but yeah. I’m glad it stopped

A L L OF IT. I don’t need that kind ‘love’ in my life. that,awful presence. I don’t need any of that at all.. MMM, MMM BYE, BYE!! Disgusting.

———

I wanted to help em try to be happy so fuckin bad after what happened ya know as friends do, when it should’ve been myself making me happy instead.. it was,but everything just got to me.

All the sighs. How lovely huh. We were ‘best friends’ ya know. I can’t even really call anyone that much bc it unnerves me. you’re supposed to make each other happy and all that as best friends, not a sad sack of low shit.

I can’t believe I wanted to be with him and or be around him that is... eughh. I was confused and in a dangerous situation towards the end.. feels like it was my fault, but it wasn’t.

Couldn’t talk to anyone about it. It was extremely fucking stupid on my part

Long time or not, why? just, holding onto old times I guess

That’s where I messed up. I didn’t even really bother trying to be with him tbh as I’ve said. in the beginning maybe yeah when we were younger, but he made me feel less and less over time as we grew older. I was embarrassed about a lot of shit and slowly I just finally realized how much of an asshole he really and truly is and how bad I wanted him out my life.

I couldn’t get away and when I did, he’d still be there someway.. haunting me with his negative nagging.it was dumb I know. I just don’t know exactly how I got lost in it so damn badly, but man, am I really dumb for doing it..

I wholeheartedly despise those feelings I had then and I fucking despise them now. ALL OF THEM. THEY HAVE RUINED MY LIFE AND IDK WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

((Great character development though, Cynth. Growing up and moving on. Something he could never do))

I don’t want to bring these problems into anyone else’s life and I did and I regret it.. I would like to disconnect from the server please bc of it, thank you

———

I was made to feel like my disability was cureable around him and that I can do shit when I get my operations done when in fact, I can’t at all and won’t ever get ‘cured’ or anything like that of the sort.typical ableist /lamdwalker activity. despite how many times I told him,he’d forget. Mhmm, sure.. you only heard what you wanted. It’s fine

"We’ll be able to do this when you get said //part// fixed.." what? can I not do that now or something?? I know I can’t, but I can at least try right?? am I really not that good enough to be around and do shit with?? guess so, cool. Okay, I see. I really tolerated some extreme ableism and I still do, but it’s not as bad as that was..

I wish I could cure my RA though like that and have said money to do it. Snap my fingers and it’s done right? ummm, no. not as easy you think dumb ass. I have fused joints, osteo, it’s everywhere like how the hell am I gonna fix that so easily?? tell me, doc

You trippin more than younger me did. I think that’s why he just flat out ditched me in the end and got a gf while he was at it that had an almost exact personality as me in the process. he would point it out too and made me feel fucking creeped out even more.. like, I get it. can’t be youre, abled dream

Why do you care if we’re alike in some ways though?? ((Look where it got him though. He’s still struggling with it, the breakup, bringing it up once n’ awhile like it didn’t happen. It was hilarious to me bc he really was a basket case. I know he was trying to get rid of it, but he was more obsessive about it than a mf))

thankful I don’t deal with it anymore

———

"You live the same day to day lifestyle. Ever since you and I graduated. The same fucking thing. The only new things you do are go to your stupid concerts or teach those weird kids. I see it or you end up telling me anyway." ((I know captain obvious yet again.. at least I’m having fun when I’m doing that. concerts for my favorite bands make me happy, teaching my kids do too ya asshole))

"Nothing is gonna change anyway if you get those procedures done. It’ll be worse for you and we all know that. Just deal with it and try to move on." ((I hate hearing your voice in my head. I want to ban it, mute it from all existence.. I’ve been replacing it with others and I’m glad it’s working))

———

I keep hearing his voice sometimes when I post something on social media. not his actual voice, but something similar, especially in tone. moody and monotone. art,status, any of those with hashtags, rt‘s, anything.. I heard it

"Why did you post that?? Looking for attention or something?", "Not many people liked it because it’s //insert stuff I love here//", "Don’t like shit like that. I don’t want to scroll around awkwardly when I’m out.", "I saw what you put. Idk how to approach it, but I’ll like it to show you I care/to look at later to process."

Tf does that mean and huh?? Why do you care what I put anyway?? I don’t care what you put so why should you care what I put?? Why make me feel like shit for putting this up or talking about something I have some balls too. I want people to know. I’m close to some of these people

I haven’t been posting much because of that. It’s very noticeable and my some of my friends can vouch for it from the viewing couch. renders I do of friends stuff, my original work, OC stuff, fan arts. A L L gets judged by the mighty grump. who it is, colors, the style, shading.. nothing was good enough I guess. even though you said it was and so did my brain at one point. It does, but she’s just not that confident much anymore

He’d get on fan art which was the most irritating thing. "Try and draw like that or do something like that for once.", "They didn’t get me right.. did you give them the references? Even though you still haven’t made a proper one?", "Why did they draw me like that?", "That’s cool. Why my character though?" PEOPLE DRAW IN THEIR OWN WAYS IN MANY STYLES AND CAN CREATIVELY DO WHATEVER THEYD LIKE YA FUCKIN DUMBASS. IN THE END, ITS MY CHARACTER ANYWAY. YOU DIDNT DRAW HIM. I DID N’ WHO CARES. MAYBE THEY LIKE YOUR CHARACTER OR IDK I REQUESTED IT TO MAKE YOUR SAD ASS HAPPY.

"Ohh yeah, I used to draw back in the day." The shit he sent me was traced, had his signature on it covering the original artists, no consistent style. Straight up thief and ugly liar. He can’t even draw a straight line, let alone paint a piece. Please, boy. I KNEW IT AND HED MANIPULATE ME INTO THINKING IT WAS AND I KNEW. AINT FOOLING ME THERE. I maybe or might’ve been extremely gullible as a teen, but ooohhh honeyyyy, I knew, I knew.

Artist my ass. Yeah con artist :))

———

I hated the awkward silence moments between us when we spoke. I literally wanted to fucking scream at you like you did to me sometimes when you were having a "bad day".

I wanted to yell at you about everything you’ve ever done to me the last time we talked and I just broke down instead because I am an "emotional bitch" as you say. HOLY SHIT though, are you boring. I thought I was, but I just get dissociative and I space out because I didn’t know what to say and when I did,I got judged for it. for everything else as wel which made me feel worse. fuucking fantastic you are

You made me feel like I was was swirling in this dead and extremely lonely silence that was ever so slowly drowning me and dragging me down.. ((Like BMTH says, don’t let me drown and you did to an extent)) i couldn’t breathe right for the longest time with you there.. felt like an enormous weight on my chest

when I was in there, it was awful and made me feel worse. I didn’t want to leave and when I did,you’d think I’d be having a fit or something.so, I would stay until you left and when you did it was absolute freedom.

I swear I hated being around you. I got judged for making any sort of weird noise, hiccup, burp, humming, my singing, jokes. such a fun person you are, hmph

#therapy journal #disabled post #disability #ableism #internalized ableism #anxiety #tw

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folkmetalfan · 7 years ago

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Upon request I am doing these NSFW asks 😌1:When did you lose your virginity? 18 2: Rough sex or soft sex? Both, variety is the spice of life 3: Do you have any unusual kinks/fetishes? Not really "unusual" 4: Weirdest place you’ve had sex? I guess it's a tie between the kitchen floor and the laundry room floor 5: Favourite sex position? From behind or me on top 6: Do you like to be dominant or submissive? It's like 80/20 in favor of being submissive 7: Have you ever had any one night stands? Only 3. Technically 2 I guess 8: Sex on the bed, couch or the floor? All 3! 9: Have you ever had sex in a public place? No but I wanna 10: Have you ever been caught masturbating? Yes and it always leads to them jumping on me 😋 11: What does your favourite sexy underwear look like? Black lace with real details 12: How often do you have sex? 3 times a day when I'm with my bf 13: Is there anybody right now you’d like to have sex with? Plenty 14: Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex? Both really 15: Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you during sex? My ex accidentally shoved it in my ass and I just burst out in tears because it hurt so fucking bad. We had to stop and I couldn't keep myself together for like 10 minutes 16: A song you’d listen to during hard/rough/kinky sex? Honestly I'm not sure 17: A song you’d listen to during soft/slow/passionate sex? Anything by the weeknd or redbone by childish gambino 18: Are you into dressing up for sex? Hell yuhh 19: Would you prefer sex in the bath or sex in the shower? Shower 20: If you could have sex with anyone right now, who would it be? 🤔 if I were single it'd be one of my mutuals 21: Have you ever had a threesome? If not, would you? No but I would love to 22: Do you/would you use sex toys? I have in the past and am looking forward to again 23: Have you ever sent someone a dirty text/picture? Yes 24: Would you have sex with your best friend? Nah 25: Is there anything you do after sex? (for example, smoke, eat, drink) sometimes I get a snack or water 26: Something that will never fail to get you horny? Boys w long hair 27: Early morning sex or late night sex? Both 28: Favourite body part on the opposite sex? I love hands, like a nice set of strong looking hands idk 29: Favourite body part on the same sex? Girls with pretty hair are neat 30: Something that you have hidden in your room that you don’t want anyone to find: lube I suppose 31: Weirdest sexual act some has performed [or tried to perform] on/with you: Hmmm idk really 32: Have you ever tasted yourself? [If no, would you?] [If yes, what did you think?] yes, it is good? Idk what to say about this 33: Is it ever okay to not use a condom: I don't remember the last time I used one, don't take my advice on safe sex kids 34: A food that you would like to use during a sexual experience: whipped cream 35: Worst possible time to get horny: there is no bad time 36: Do you like it when your sexual partner moans? Ofc 37: How much fapping is too much fapping: if your crotch is getting like sore and red it's time to find another hobby for a bit 38: Best sexual complement you ever got: "best pussy I've ever had" 39: Favorite foreplay activities: I love to tease and build up anticipation until he can't take it anymore and throws me down on the bed 40: What do you wear to bed? Depending on the temperature and stuff usually a t shirt and shorts but if it's cold I'll wear comfy pants and socks 41: When was the first time you masturbated: last night 42: Do you have any nude/masturbating pictures/video of yourself? Yes 43: Have you ever/when was the last time you had sex outside? Never 44: Have/would you ever have sex in public? I would 45: Have/would you ever had a threesome? I would 46: What is one random object you’ve used to masturbate? Hair brush 47: Do you watch gay/lesbian porn? why/why not? Yes, it's got 48: Do you like oral sex? (why/why not) who doesn't? 49: How do you feel about tattoos on someone you are interested in? Love em 😍 50: How would you feel about taking someones virginity? Done it, prefer someone with more experience to play with 51: Is there any food you would NOT recommend using during a sexual encounter? Idk i would think something that would make you real sticky would kinda suck 52: Would you rather be a pornstar or a prostitute? Porn star 53: Do you watch porn? Yes 54: Have you ever been called a freak? Why? Yes. Tbh I didn't think I was that much of a freak but I have been called one so 55: Do you feel comfortable going “commando”? Not really it feels so weird 56: Would you have a problem with going down on someone if they hadn’t shaved their pubic hair? Nope 57: If you could give yourself head, would you? Yes 58: Booty or Boobs? Boobs but a nice butt is cool too 59: Have you ever cheated on someone? (Why?) nope 60: If you were the other sex for a day, what are five things you would do? Umm I guess I would play with my new toy 😂, revel in male privilege, see if I could get a date with a girl, umm I'm not sure what else 61: have you ever watched someone masturbate? Yes 62: has anyone ever watched you masturbate? Yes 63. Have you ever had an erection and someone noticed? Since I don't get erections I will go with no 64. What is your method of masturbation? (ie. toys, clitorial, prostate) clitoral 65. What is your bra/penis size? Depends on the band size but I can go between a C, D, or DD 66. What is the strangest thing you have ever put up your vagina/anus? I don't really put strange things up there 67. When was the last time you masturbated? Last night 68. When was the last time you had sex? Last week 69. When was the last time you watched porn? Last night 70. Have you ever bought a sex toy? If so, which one did you buy last? First sex toy? If not, which one do you plan on buying when you do? I've had them bought for me. Vibrating dildos and just regular vibrators 71. Guys:Circumsized? N/a 72. Which not-genital part of your body do you like being touched? My waist 73. Which genital part of your body do you like being touched? My butt 74. Girls:Are you able to achieve orgasm just through breast stimulation? I can really get going but not cross the finish line 75. Have you anonymously sent a sexual ask to someone on tumblr? Yes 76. When was the last time you have had a wet dream? Never? 77. Which wet dream was your favorite? N/a 78. Is there a friend you would willingly have sex with? Yes 79. Is there a celebrity/character you would willingly have sex with? Yes. Thor aka Chris Hemsworth 80. Favorite sexual position? From behind, girl on top 81. Do you like being called a slut or whore in bed?hell yuh 82. Are you into any BDSM? Yes 83. Have you ever wanted to have sex with someone but knew you couldnt for any reason? Why? Yes. I'm taken and he lives in a different country. 84. Do you like dirty talk? Again, who doesn't?! 85. Are you loud or quiet during sex? Masturbation? I am quiet because I have to be but I'd be loud if I could 86. Have you ever been inturrepted during sex or masturbation? Who/what? Yes. My bf live at home and every now and again there will be a knock at the door while we are doing something 87. What kind of porn do you like to watch? Anything that turns me on really 88. Have you ever confessed to someone that you got an erection over them? What about masturbated to them? No 89. Have you ever masturbated because your sexual partner wasn’t there when you needed them? Of course 90. Have you ever had a one night stand? Do you still keep in contact with them? 3. I talked to the first guy a lot leading up to it but after the night was over we never talked again. The second guy I took his virginity and we talked and hooked up twice but we haven't talked in like almost a year. The third guy we talked for a few hours and then he came and picked me up and he pulled one of those "I'll text you tomorrow" things (they won't ever really text you 😂) and so a few days later I told him he could have just said he only wanted sex I was fine with that and then he asked if me and my roommate wanted a threesome and that's when I stopped replying 91. Have you ever had a friends with benefits? Are they still beneficial? Not really no

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wdfa · 8 years ago

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coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me!

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed.

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!!

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.

#trumpet hate #personal #wow this was..... so much..........#literally no one is gonna read this but it was mostly for me anyways so [shrug emoji]#caps /#negative /#self hate /#transphobia /#cissexism /#menstruation mention //#the experience #ask to tag

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survivorkomnata · 6 years ago

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Episode #4: "and that's what you missed on glee" - Ally

Woo tribe swap! we made the right call booting fed, and now Kato has majority on my new tribe! Ideally i think Alyssa would ve here instead of luke maybe but i dont mind, i think Im good with both him and TJ

I mean, honestly, what's even the point of living in a world where hallways are empty. LIKE, YOU SPEND DAYS CRAFTING A PLAN THAT YOU THINK IS GONNA WORK, BUT THEN BOOOOM, SWAP FUCK. NOW I'M ON A TRIBE WITH 2 PEOPLE I'VE NEVER MET, SOMEONE FROM MY OLD TRIBE I WAS PLANNING TO VOTE OUT NEXT, AND MISS CAN'T READ THE CHALLENGE RULES JESS WHO I'M NOT EVEN SURE IS LOYAL TO ME. SURE WOULD BE NICE TO GET THAT IMMUNITY IDOL!

BUT IT'S COOL. MY PLAN STILL KINDA WORKED! I'M REALLY CLOSE TO THE END, AND THIS IS A NEW TRIBE, MEANING NO ONE CAN POSSIBLY HAVE THE IDOL YET. HAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA NOPEEE! WITHIN 3 FUCKING HOURS, SOMEONE FOUND THE IDOL, MEANING THERE'S SOMEONE ON THIS TRIBE WHO HAS ALREADY BEEN TO THE END OF THE HALLWAY ON THEIR ORIGINAL TRIBE AND MAY POSSIBLY HAVE 2 IDOLS. AND HOW MANY DO I HAVE? ZEROOOOOOOOOOOOOO. What the FUCK. FUCKING BALLS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. AND OF COURSE WE BLOW AT THIS CURRENT CHALLENGE I'M FUCKED IT'S ALL FUCKED THINGS WERE GOING SO WELLLL GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. So yeah that's how I'm feeling right about now.

With Federico gone I have to change my strategy, it’s a new game for me, I have two options rn, 1. Stixk with Jake and try to get one person from original Tagaki to flip or 2. Flip on Jake and work with them basically destroying my connections with the original Kato alliance. My position in the game rn is not one to envy tbh lmao so I NEED the immunity. Zach and I connected easily so I think I have the option to work with him there.

After an interesting tribal, it was tribe swap time. I was so nervous until I realized I had a og kato majority on my new tribe. Me, Stephen, and TJ are sticking together which is perfect since I will still have a safety net at tribal if we happen to go, which is a possibility rn since Zach is killing it in the challenge. Hopefully things change as the challenge continues and hopefully I will stop making stupid mistakes in this challenge.

Tribe Swap!!!! So I ended up on New Kato with Zach, Karthik, Miguel, and um Jake. MY CROPS ARE WATERED, MY SKIN IS CLEAR, MY DEPRESSION IS GONE, MY CRUSH CALLED ME BACK. Everything is great bc of the swap results. If we lose then we have a pretty simple majority and vote out in Miguel or Jack although I am getting along with them so far.

The challenge is basically tasks but with puzzles. I REALLUY SUCK AT PUZZLES SO IM SORRY IN ADVANCE. Zach however is freaking killing the game right now. He is carrying our team on his back just like he did on the old tribe and this means 2 things.

1. Zach is someone that is valuable during the premerge portion of this game. Tribes are NOT going to vote him out because he is just too valuable.

2. Zach is someone that I would not like to permanently align with. If Zach makes the merge and keeps this challenge energy going he will win immunity multiple times and only those that are close to him will be able to be targeted.

3. (I KNOW I SAID TWO) He is someone that I SHOULD align with. He makes for a pretty easy meat shield in the event that I become vulnerable. If he does lose an immunity and becomes a target, he makes for an easy idol play. Just place one of those badboys on him and poof you basically get to choose who you want to go home.

I hope we win this challenge and the deamon that is TJ does not come through for his tribe. He's really fucking cute though like did you see that live tribal? ugh my heart gingers are so cute.

I forgot the fucking Australian is good at puzzles and is Australian. Fucking time zone advantage!!! (Plus I suck at puzzles). Its fucking 2 am for me and Im gonna stay up and fight against the Aussie Its gonna be a LONG night.

I'm getting ready to turn Stephen into a "prawn" bc thats what they call shrimp for some reason

OK SO I FORGOT TO SAY THAT JESS AND ALYSSA ARE ON THE SAME TRIBE I HAVEVVVVVEVEVEVEVEV TO LAUGH IM SORRY. Cinematic Gold.

I can’t wait till after merge or swap or whenever so i can vote out Zach and send him a voting confessional he has to solve as a jigsaw puzzle

Alright, so I like my new tribe at the moment. Not only do we have a majority of old Kato members, but I know Ally from a previous game (which I didn’t know earlier). She seems really nice, but I know I need to stop making everyone to be the nicest person on the planet and remember that this is a game. I’m playing to win. I need to immediately figure out if Stephen and Luke are going to vote with me (specifically Luke after last vote) or if I need to start charming Liam so that I’m in with Liam and Ally.

So uh. Fuck Me i guess. My tribe is 100% going to tribal. It could be worse. I could be stuck with Luke and Miguel after the Fed blindside. But still I guess? At least I have Jess. I adore her. I’m just really nervous for this tribal??? I just almost went home so??? How much can I really grind like this is crazy. I feel like I might be able to solidify a majority with me, Jess, and Isaac but then do we vote out Stephen or Daniel? Actually no I already know who we’ll vote out. Jess says she doesn’t like Daniel so if the feeling is mutual she’ll come after her and I’ll be like um hey who was more active in the challenge chat? Daniel or Jess? Yeah, it was Jess. No way.

ANYWAY YEAH. Getting ready for the impending tribal because our tribe literally has -1 points smh

I AM SO IRRITATED UGHHHHH. Ally and I are currently swapfuck victims, and the Takagi idol is GONE. Would've been nice for someone to leave it for us....oh well guess I'm getting 15th/14th bye friends

My tribe was creamed by Kato 2.0 ironically. Once again I’m at tribal council while within a majority alliance. Og Katos have decided to stick together which I’m glad for, it makes the most sense and it keeps me safe and most likely moving forward to f13 and one step closer to merge/jury. I’m getting very close to the farthest point I’ve ever made it in a Survivor ORG, f13, and I want so badly to make it farther and beat my record. I’m taking it step by step and day by day in order to reach this goal and every step of the way I’m showing more of a new side of myself, one that I hope will get me far in the game.

So this tribe is basically under mine and lukes control rn. We are just about to go into an alliance chat with Ally, we already have an alliance, our real alliance, with TJ, the only threat is an idol, but with these connections we should know whats going on. Simple

Tribal discussions have started, and i find myself having control over my tribe along with Stephen. We have alliances with TJ and Ally and I’m feeling great especially since I’m the first tribal I was in I was at the bottom of my tribe and now I have risen to the top, I’m excited to see what happens next as the game continues.

So umm.... Zach found the idol at Takagi so thats amazing. Interesting swap and it doesnt seem to be a bad draw for me since I am in a Takagi majority with zach and Tim both of whom I trust. Its all nice to have some new ppl in Jake and Miguel both seem to be good to talk to. But in terms of the game, it still requires some time to figure out if we would actually be to work together meaningfully due to tribal lines and all. Looks like there is a divide in the original Kato tribe which was apparent from the vote which is good for us. Zach proved to be the hero once again and won the immunity for the tribe all by himself.

So things do seem pretty neat and smooth on my side so far. Its going to be F13 now and I havent still been to tribal council even once which has given me safety but its just getting a bit boring now. It just seems like its the time and opportunity given to me to get my troops ready and be prepared for the war thats about to begin.

So TJ has decided to flip on our alliance and vote Luke out, sigh. It’s annoying how as soon as you think you’re on top someone tries to kick you back down. I still think voting out Liam is the best move though, I can bring TJ back with some choice words. Besides, i heard all this from Ally, who may be laying to save Liam by getting us to vote TJ, though its unlikely based on how she said it.

So when I first saw my new tribe, I was pretty content. I'm glad I wasn't stuck on a tribe with TJ....and from first glance I thought our tribe was pretty strong. Well we totally sucked at the challenge. Now I'm hoping we just vote out RatBoy because he literally doesn't do shit, but people are worried about his potential advantages. I also just vote Jess out of another game, and she made some petty comments I wouldn't be surprised if I go home this tribal just because of that : ) Anyway, I'm gonna try to ensure the others the safest option is RatBoy if we want our team to have any shot of winning a challenge next round.

ONCE AGAIN! It is quiet as shit around camp and I am REALLY fucking anxious. I'm making an official alliance with Jess and Isaac which should keep them both loyal. I really believe Jess wouldn't do that to me. We're sharing idol clues and shit so she has my back at least for now. I don't know how it's going for Isaac in building relationships but supposedly his social game sucks so fingers crossed. The three of us will make majority leading into this vote and we will most likely vote Daniel. Fingers crossed this works out because if my head is on the chopping block again..... I don't know. Obviously I was a top contender to go out on my last tribe so it's like... Would it really be that costly to vote me out here on the half of my tribe? Probably not. But also Jess and I worked our asses off in this challenge even though our puzzle ability is questionable. So I guess we'll see what happens. Hopefully I don't get so hopeless that I make another "Going home" confessional.

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Holy shit. This swap has be shooketh to the CORE. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. It was expected but I still did not prepare for it...

I have Stephen who is literally the biggest wild card for me in this game from my old tribe. I hope I can somehow work with him and build a layer of trust with him so his crazy ass doesn't come after me.

Then there's Daniel. I honestly have some MAJOR TRUST ISSUES with him right now. We are in another game together and I refuse to let that leak into this game but it's totally in the back of my mind. I just don't ever see the two of us working deep into this game but the only reason I have to keep him around is to appeal to Stephen right now. If I take him out in this vote.. I'm going to lose Stephen's trust 1000%. The plan is to keep him around ONE MORE ROUND and then take my shot.

UGH Alyssa. I hate that even in a god damn random draw... I got put with her. BECAUSEEEEE..... this is where my heart tells me one thing and my head tells me another. Our past game has left such a bad taste in my mouth (she beat me at Final 2) and I don't want a repeat of that. HOWEVER, it's way tooo early to take her out even though this TECHNICALLY would be the perfect opportunity to do so. All I have to say to Stephen/Daniel let's do Alyssa and Alyssa would go this round.

Reasons for not voting out Alyssa right now: 1. Strong competitor in comps (so we don't keep losing). Losing = Tribal. Tribal=BAD. 2. She's someone who I KNOW on this tribe. There's a bit of trust there. 3. She's Alyssa.

Then there's Isaac aka: Ratboy. Aka: Ghost. Aka: WHY ARE YOU HERE?! jk. I just can't get a read on him. His strategy seems to be to run into a bomb shelter and hope he doesn't get voted out. He might have an advantage from the basement and to me that's super scary at this point. I want us all on an even playing field and with him possibly having an advantage.. that's SUPER dangerous on a 4 person tribe after this round.

I somehow got put in the middle of two alliances for this vote. On one side there's the original Takagi tribe alliance consisting of: Stephen, Daniel, and myself. Then there's The Tree Amigos consisting of: Isaac, Alyssa, and myself. I think the only way to get out of this vote somehow decently is to vote off Ratboy and say that it was either him or Alyssa and I swayed off of Alyssa to keep her safe. I'm going to have to tell her this about an hour before the vote to calm her tits and to not totally blindside her. If I blindside her she's just going to be more insecure than she apparently is in our relationship here. She's already asked me if I lied about my idol search... so there's that.

HOPEFULLY this goes well for me. This tribe swap wasn't the ideal outcome for me (I was kind of hoping to get swapped with Tim) but I THINK I can make out of this alive somewhat okay?!

omg i love getting swapfucked... such an aesthetic the tribe layout im on rn is 3 from kato (tj luke stephen) and 2 from takagi (me n liam) i feel like i've done a p good job @ bein social with the other tribe,, and stephen suggested an alliance btwn him luke and i so we have that now (called 'international') i rlly wanna try to save liam tho and i think tj might've given me the chance to do thathe messaged me last night and was basically like "i want to flip to takagi and vote out luke" and i was like ok sis! and immediately ratted him out to stephen (and im gonna rat him out to luke too) and i'm hoping that'll be enough to vote tj out. a lil part of me was like "what if this is a SETUP?" and he was gonna immediately run to stephen/luke and tell them im not trustworthy but idk it doesn't seem realistic. but im hoping that we can vote out tj now cuz i want him here the least out of everyone on the tribe hehe. im PISSED about the challenge. zach having a majority on his tribe and still going out of his way to carry his whole ass tribe on his back and drag them to a win and leave me and liam to DIE? NOTED, ZACHARY. if i survive this fkn swap im COMING for you!!!!!!!!!!! JUST WAIT!!!!!!!!!! also some bitch on og takagi got the idol before me so fuck everyone on that tribe.... and that's what you missed on glee

I am in so much freaking fear right now. I know this feeling all too well about tribals with five people. I've been in a 3-2 majority before and been idoled out in exactly the same fashion as I could see happening today. So, right now, I'm playing TJ the Villainous Ginger and trying to plant seeds here and there to hopefully avoid being the person voted out tonight. I'm trying to guarantee the minority votes Luke and the majority sticks together, and then I'm trying to build my relationship with Luke by talking to him about all of the potential situations with this vote and how we could maybe prevent an idol screwing us up. We need original Kato and original Takagi to go back to around the same number of people so that the options at merge become a little more... fun :)

So we won the challenge!!!! I could not be more relieved that we pulled it off and are safe. Zach really is the MVP this time. With the Kato Tribe immune, all 5 of us stay for next round which is great because the individuals on my tribe are all people that I would'nt mind working with. Miguel and Jake especially because they are my window to working with people I have yet to work with when a merge comes. For now I am going to lay low until mid merge (really late early merge) and then strike.

ok so as i predicted, a swap occurred. here are my thoughts: - i'm in a majority (with karthik & tim) - i talk to jake & miguel a lot. i like them both a lot, they're rlly funny. - if i had to send one home (given we go to tribal), i think i lean to jake. he's closer to alyssa/stephen and unless miguel is rlly playing me (which, props to him), he's (jake) more likely to do damage down the road and be against me and all that jazz. but i love them both as people and theyre both enjoyable beings. and for some tea that i gathered (which may very well be wrong/distorted): miguel/luke/stephen/federico/jake had an alliance. stephen & jake flipped. miguel doesn't know jake flipped but he did. this could be baiting me but afaik they're not on the greatest terms (or, well, aren't that close i guess). this shows that alyssa has great sway (not shocking!) and that she's gonna be someone i want out sooner rather than later, and that's kinda why i'd vote jake out over miguel, just to weaken her. alternatively, i could take the route of using her as a shield but ppl are sexist n will just assume im a bigger threat bc im a MAN ... when women > men in gameplay for the most part but ANYWAY! i said it.

also, with the idol system being identical, someone (only options being ratboi & alyssa, which the former will likely leave tonight) may have two which is very scary.

right now i feel comfy. i know in merge i'm finna get fucked up with.... being such a physical (and social) threat early on but bitch i'mma fuckin try my best. i regret telling karthik about my idol. i've contemplated voting him out because then no one will know but i love him too much and he's by far who i'm closest with, i think.

i anticipate the two people leaving will be ratboi (isaac) and liam. the former i'm fine with, but the latter imma be really sad with. liam is great and i love him so much and i feel like he's someone that would be more loyal to me than the average person in this game. but, however the cards fall, so be it.

Stephen just said he's sorry that he left me out of the first vote... this is awesome that he doesn't know that me and Alyssa are the reason that first vote was Shea. I really like Stephen, so this is awesome that he thinks that, it makes it a lot easier for us to work together in the future. Now I really need to make sure I survive this tribal so that I can keep this up. Please Luke, don't flip on me... Also, why did Jess and Alyssa have to be swapped onto the same tribe. I don't want to lose Alyssa to her for a second straight game, lol.

So, scenarios: Me and TJ vote for Ally, Ally and Luke vote for Liam, Liam votes for Luke. We tie, and either Ally or Liam go, but now I have broken Ally’s trust; Me Ally and Luke vote for TJ, Tj and Liam vote for Luke. TJ goes home, which is fine cause he betrayed us, but that may cause problems with other Katos and now Kato doesn’t have majority on our tribe; Me and Luke vote for Liam, TJ votes for Ally, Ally votes for TJ, Liam votes for Luke. A mess, Liam goes home, TJ and Ally both feel betrayed.....this is too much i’m going nuts. At the end of the day i dont want to lose TJ or Lukes trust over Allys trust, so I think voting Ally is the best move??????? God I hate this, remember when Luke convinced me we were on top? That was nice, lets go back to that.

So i realised that by getting tj on board to vote luke, then spilling to me and luke and getting us to vote Tj, ally and liam would have their pick. however, we are communicating pretty well so i think that cancels out her manipulation. However Luke is offline so rip. So now it comes down to if Luke is voting Ally, Liam, or TJ, and is Ally and Liam are voting TJ or Luke. I trust that TJ is voting Ally. Hmmmmm.... If i vote ally and fail I have made a powerful enemy, however if I dont vote Ally and make a mistake I’ve lost TJs trust. I don’t think I have a choice, I could throw my vote away and vote for Liam.... no thats stupid. Its either Tj, and throw my lot in with Ally, or stick with Kato and vote Ally out. Choices, choices.

I’m playing my idol because these people are on crack and I don’t believe a word that’s coming out of any of their mouths.

Daniel is voted out in a 3-1-1 vote, tie ending in a 3-0.

TJ is voted out in a 4-1 vote.

#episode #escapenow

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