stayingfriendsacrossoceans

[stayingfriendsacrossoceans]

Random story time.

For those who know me, my life is filled with random things. Sometimes they are the silliest things you can imagine, however I’m not above laughing at myself, hence this story.

During my first year in my program, it was required of us to do job shadowing at industrial plants. The shifts were two 12 hour days, and then two 12 hour nights. In the afternoon before my first night shift I was quickly preparing my dinner, burgers. For anyone that doesn’t know me I am a burger fiend. I love them, write poems about them, and occasionally have dreams about them. On this fated afternoon I was preparing to make a burger, and came across the problem of prying the stack of burgers apart. I only wanted one of the stack; the stack was being selfish not letting me have one. I attacked the stack with a knife, but not a butter knife as that would be too thick to pry them apart. No, I used a sharp knife with a tip that was curved like a bird’s beak. I was gently going around and around the burger stack prying at the edges when suddenly the stack flew apart and the knife jammed into the soft fleshy part just below my thumb. The beloved burger stack and one now free burger went flying as I crouched on the floor, clutching my wounded hand and shouting every swear word in my vocabulary and some that weren’t.

I went for my first aid kit that is always handy in my kitchen. Trying to open the clasps with one hand is a joke. I looked out the kitchen window and saw my neighbour walking past, and momently considered chasing her down and asking if she would bandage my poor spurting hand.

I cast this thought aside and let the blood flow freely (not as freely as you would imagine though, I think the blood was just as shocked as I that it wasn’t circulating through my body but onto the floor.) I found a piece of gauze and wrapped my hand in a tensure like bandage and called my dad to get his opinion on how deep a cut should be before I seek emergency help. I explained to him that the rest of my hand was numb and was ever so slightly concerned about nerve damage.

“Well if you did some nerve damage there’s not much they can do about it,” he said, “so you should probably go to your job shadowing thing.” The gist, was suck it up and go to work.

I slumped to work, my uneaten, fully cooked, traitorous burger in my bag, and tried to hide the ginormous bandage on my hand, not wanting to explain my foolishness as I was treating the job shadowing like a job interview.  Nothing says “you will have many worksafe claims with me as an employee” like a stupid story about burgers and my lust being so great in making them I stabbed myself in the process.

After my shift ended the next morning at 7am, I crawled home and directly into bed (I’m ashamed to say I doubt I even brushed my teeth) and thought, “I’ll change the bandage after I sleep”. I slept soundly, beautifully, until I unconsciously rolled over in my sleep and the light touch of something on my face roused me from my slumber. My arm still in the air I saw a black shape hanging over my face (keep in my that at this point I’ve watched 3 seasons of Criminal Minds which makes you think there is EVERY possibility that you are going to be killed in your sleep by a psychopath.) So anyways, I saw this thing hovering overly my face and my natural instincts taught me to fight and to fight hard. As I bashed and clawed the offender, the thing kept hitting me in the face. I fought harder until it dawned on me that the light touch was my bandage dangling from my hand; and that I was fighting myself.  Never have I woke in such a panic, positive I was about to be brutally raped and murdered.

The moral of this story, is nothing. It’s just funny

[stayingfriendsacrossoceans]

So the other day my brother texts me and is like want to come and help paint my house? Are you busy tonight? 

So being the witty person I am I text this back:

He didn't even laugh! Come on! That's fucking hilarious! This is why I've just decided to date myself, at least I find me funny

[stayingfriendsacrossoceans]

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She needs a partner, not a patron.

This is me. So me.

[stayingfriendsacrossoceans]

12 ways to get through a break up

Call your mom. No matter how old or young you are, your mom always knows what to say and how to comfort you.

Remember that nothing they said was completely true. While yes, there are always two sides to every story, and it takes two to tango, words said in anger aren’t always the full and complete truth.

Binge watch shows like Grey’s Anatomy, where Christina and Meredith hold dance parties – with just each other to get themselves through, and when all else fails: Tequila. Also New girl, because they are all breaking up with someone at some point and the comforting weird things they do for their friends make you feel like you are one of them and you know their feels. Friends, is another good one. It definitely makes you want to move into an apartment building with five other people who you love but hate sometimes. Finally, Gilmore Girls. Because, Lorelai makes you feel alive, loved and strong. And when you are not strong, she will be strong for you.

Wine and chocolate were married for break up and calories don’t count during the first two weeks. Promise.

If you can’t talk to someone about your feels, or you’ve talked them to death already but you’re not done, write in your good, old, diary.

Dance party. With yourself. Through on your favorite tunes and dance.it.out. I promise it will get your heart beating, and it won’t be beating because you just remembered you’re alone and now you’re scared you will be that way forever.

Keep busy. Hell, redecorate if you have to, just keep your mind actively involved in something other than your heart hurting.

Try something you would have never done when you were with that person. Maybe they held you back, or didn’t agree with it, but try something. It is exhilarating.

Have I mentioned wine and chocolate? Now I’m not talking cheap dollarstore chocolate. I’m talking some decent shit here. I’m talking the stuff that you don’t need ten pounds of, I’m talking some nice pure chocolate, and get a bottle of wine to go with that kind of chocolate. If you’re unsure what wine goes with chocolate, ask someone and they can direct you.

Bubble baths. Nuff said.

Put your makeup on and do your hair. Hell, throw on the red lipstick, because as How I Met Your Mother taught me, I’m winning this break up.

Remember that it is going to be ok. You were ok before that person ever came onto the scene, and you’ll be ok long after they leave the scene. You are strong, confident, beautiful, and damn you didn’t need them holding you down anyways. Let them wings go, because girl, you are going to fly at some point, just give it time. 

[stayingfriendsacrossoceans]

Watching Downton Abbey is like constantly having your heart ripped out and stuffed back in only to have it ripped out again.

It starts out so nice and everything but pretty soon you're like:

And then you recover a little and then BAM another bombshell:

And just when you think everything is going to be ok:

[stayingfriendsacrossoceans]

Meanwhile in Canada

[stayingfriendsacrossoceans]

I Hate Mornings

So I've always hated mornings since time began. When I wake in the morning I like to slink around finding coffee and clothes in the dark. However my boyfriend is damn cheerful in the morning.

He's all like:

MORNING. WANT TO GO FOR A MORNING RUN :D

Me:

Him:

IT'S MORNING BABY LETS GO WALKIES!!!!!

Me:

[stayingfriendsacrossoceans]

This is when I realize I need to diet

Me after one day of dieting:

[stayingfriendsacrossoceans]

Wasted Weeked

So all Easter Weekend I was trying to finish two papers and I couldn't find much helpful info, so I basically killed myself writing believable bullshit and stretching it to 6 pages. So I get to class on Tuesday morning and I'm all like:

and handed in both papers. And then I get a creeping suspicion and I turn to the girl next to me and I'm like the bonus essays were due today too right? And she's like:

Me:

[stayingfriendsacrossoceans]

So I got my Diploma

Me:

Now I want to go back to the bitch who told me I was too stupid to do math and be all in her grill like:

Now when I'm applying to stuff and they ask "Are you graduated?"  I'm all like:

The end. But actually not the end because I'll be driving around and I suddenly remember that I don't have to go back to that shitty school again and I'm all like:

[stayingfriendsacrossoceans]

Best Text Message EVER:

So I'm at work, when my phone goes off. And again. And again. It goes off so many times that by this point I'm assuming that I must be getting butt texted. When I finally am able to check my phone I find 17 text messages and they tell a story illustrated with memes.

Kirsten: Story of my life: a true Story

Me: determined to get my math homework done tonight

Me working through my math problems

Me when I finished as much as I understood leaving 1.5 questions to ask the teacher on monday.

Me when I finally realized it was friday night and I had done homework. So logically it is TUMBLR TIME

Me on the internet like a sir when I realize....

....there is a huge ass daddy long legs on my pillow next to me

Now this picture isn't exactly accurate. In fact it is what I wish I could have done. Instead I was trapped in my bed inside a cocoon of blankets - naturally as the weather is getting colder- so instead I resorted to getting the spider on a piece of paper so I could at least remove it from my immediate area

So fuck my life. That just made scared the spider and made it run. while I'm trapped a few inches from it. Kill me now.

So at this point I fuck logic and take off my metaphorical "big girl panties" and start screaming like a pansy. I finally get my book which I proceed to fling across the room.

after it was shot a few feet from my bed I just sat there my heart beating a million beats per minute and my vision not entirely straight from the adrenaline. At this point I'm not even sure if I survived the attack. Is this heaven?

Me when I realized that no this isn't heaven and yes I did survive. My heart beat has now regained somewhat natural rhythm and I can see clearly.

I peer over the edge of my bed and see that the SPIDER IS DEAD!

Somehow my book managed to squash the spider, but not land on it. The spider is lying an inch or so away from my book. Yay for no bug guts on my book - god knows I never touch that thing again.

Now every two minutes or so I look to make sure that the beast is still dead/hasn't disappeared.

I am now paranoid about finding another spider in my bed. An idea of humans "swallowing on average 7 spiders in the lifetime in sleep" just became alot more realistic.