starsandstanzas

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do you ever look at your best friend and just think “someone is going to be so in love with you someday”

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Why are humans drawn to the morbid?

I am no different.

What inside us all craves the stories of faceless murders or the sight of crinkled metal on the side of the road?

What about screams of terror or splattered red draws us to theaters?

Is it whatever evil thing lurks inside us all?

A violent need to know

To witness

To conquer

To ogle

and then to be thankful

That it could never be you.

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Never ever have a homoerotic friendship with someone all it will bring you is pain and suffering, trust it is NOT worth it.

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I’m all for forging my own fate or whatever until it means I don’t have someone I’m destined to love

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— Yves Olade, “Self Portrait as a Hairpin Turn”

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Which of my ancestors passed down their love to me

Which one saw her reflection in the lake and wondered what was broken in her

Which one hid behind fear her whole life

Of something she knew she was cursed with in an age of hatred for the different

Which one loved with all her heart someone she could never have

And buried it alive

In a desperate need to survive?

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WE’RE SMALL

WE’RE SMALL, ISN’T THAT SO BEAUTIFUL??

WE ARE SO SMALL AND WE CAN BE SO MUCH AND FEEL SO MUCH AND WE’RE SMALL BUT OUR SOULS ARE GALAXIES AND THE TWINKLE IN YOUR EYE IS A SUPERNOVA

WE’RE SMALL AND WE CAN DO WHATEVER WE WANT BECAUSE NOTHING MATTERS BUT WHAT WE DECIDE IS WORTH MATTERING

ISNT IT AMAZING??

THAT WE’RE PART OF SOMETHING SO BIG

THAT YOUR LAUGH LINES ARE MADE OF THE SAME CARBON THAT SITS IN THE HEART OF THE SUN

THAT WE MIGHT BE MORTAL BUT IN THE FACE OF INFINITY EVERYTHING IS MORTAL

ONE DAY THE MILKY WAY AND ANDROMEDA WILL CRASH AND EVERYTHING WILL BE TORN APART AND ONE DAY YOU AND I WILL DIE TOO

WE WILL COLLIDE WITH DEATH LIKE THE FORCES OF A SINGULARITY AND WE WILL LEAVE ECHOES OF OURSELVES FOR THE NEXT CURIOUS SOULS TO FIND AND THE CYCLE WILL REPEAT AND IT WILL BE BEAUTIFUL

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I make one mistake that goes against my own morals and I convince myself I’m despicable

I’m not a bad person I’m not a bad person I’m not a bad person I’m not a bad person

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I think I could’ve fallen in love with you

In my dreams we take out the trash and do our taxes together

We make pasta for dinner and I slip the cat a piece of bacon every morning

And on Friday nights we watch the sun set and I show you my favorite star

The spark of light in your eye

And I wonder how I got so lucky

To have the universe lay next to me

I think I could’ve fallen in love with you

I think maybe a part of me already did

[starsandstanzas]

Girlhood is being equally your own #1 fan and also finding every reason why you’re the most despicable person to walk on earth

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Jesus fucking Christ I need to lock in and lighten up on this page it got so depressing SO fast

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Sometimes I feel so profoundly old

And tired

Like the world has made my bones brittle

And hearing weak

At seventeen

And my back aches from worry

Of being left behind

The wrinkles around my eyes testimony

To crying myself to sickness

And my soul is heavy with the disappointment of fifteen year old me

And I wish I could be better for her

but I don’t know how to be

[starsandstanzas]

I know we haven’t been best friends for a few years

But forgetting my birthday felt like a knife to the chest

While all I think about are the what ifs

You have learned to forget

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I want to be able to go back,

And tell myself,

That "things will get better".

And mean it.

I want to prove,

That I

can

be 

better.

That all those years I punished myself as a child.

For not being good enough.

Were not for nothing.

They were not for nothing.

I can be better.

I can be stronger.

I can be smarter

I will be happier.

I know that I will.

Because if I can't,

Then I might as well have ended it all those years ago.

Ended my suffering.

But you see,

I don't want to die.

So I need to prove,

That I can want to live.

That no matter how cruel this world can be,

I will build a life worth living.

Because I know that I can.

I owe myself at least that.

[starsandstanzas]

Grief isn’t linear

And sometimes I still think about your face and your laugh

And breathing in tandem with you

Sometimes I still think about whale watching

And living in some run down apartment

But I could never be miserable because I was with you

Sometimes I still think about growing old together,

being aunts to each others children.

And god, that hole can’t ever be filled

And I wonder if our friendship will haunt me for as long as I was supposed to know you.

Will you be another headstone in my heart whose flowers are doomed to rot?

[starsandstanzas]

I am so sick of feeling small

It’s all I’ve ever really been

And I’m scared it’s all I’ll ever become

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You asked me what you mean to me, My darling, you are my poetry.