starsandstanzas

[starsandstanzas]

Just realized I am full of anger and it’s aimed like a taut arrow at my best friend and what do I even do with that

I can’t be angry at her for loving someone else

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Will you watch me fall with tears in your eyes

Cry over my broken, bloody body, hands stained red with divinity

Will you close my eyes

Still lingering with betrayal

The reflection of God in my pupils

Will you watch me burn when I scorn depravity and shame

Will you sing heavenly worship from your marble choir

Distorted by all the sins of your brethren

Until I hear it in my divine suffering;

I told you so

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This is my New Year’s resolution:

Let her burn

Let the flames lick at her face lovingly

Like a mother kissing their child goodnight

Let her die quietly

Warm to the touch

Let her funeral end

Let the guests

The ghosts

Go home

Let them leave content and full with memories

And let her stay where she’s meant to

Instead of…

Dragging her broken corpse along the rocky ground

Let her rest

Give her, her peace

say your prayers

To a gentle universe

And let this poem be the last time you visit her

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Growing up is different than the movies

Because you learn all these lessons that you knew of but never really understood

And it doesn’t feel like some great epiphany in the moment

It just feels like pain

Because you had to gain and lose too much than anyone ever should

But that everyone does, anyway

And growing up means crying on the floor in front of your mirror

longing for something like a piece of your soul has been stolen

desperately clawing for a steady mind or a different body

And when you emerge from it like the rivers of Jordan you look back and see only the path you took to get here

But there are pieces of yourself scattered along the road

To never be recovered

To act as headstones

As gravesites for parts of you that died with your lessons

As the parts of you that will have tears stains reflected back on their faces for eternity

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Do I want her or do I want to be her: final boss

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I love you so fucking much and sometimes I just can’t tell what type it is

But I know if it’s the butterfly kind I might as well start carving my own epitaph

There’s this horror inside me that knows it might be

And it mourns for me in my chest

Weeps within my rib cage

For doomed longing

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If ever given a rope and some train tracks

I think I might tie my own torso to the rails

And lay my head to the side

Listen to the screech of metal on metal hurtle closer

If only to momentarily dream of quieted screams and dead butterflies in my stomach

And as the train grew ever closer

The comforting chug of childhood imaginings

I think I would tilt my head back and sigh

Undue the knots that were never really tight at all

And stand to the side as the wind of the train passed by

Weaving my hair into knots for me to carry along wherever I go

But

One day with hope

Become something better

Than a girl who tied herself down with a violent purpose

Toyed with an ending of the haunted sort

But for now I’ll just

Stand an inch away

From death by a mechanical system

Of ruthless expenditure and cold metal rails

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This will pass

As everything does

And one day I will wake up and be okay in every sense of the word

And you will be too

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Your roots needed to grow deeper

The ground beneath you needed to cave in

And that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt

But you need it

Or else you won’t grow at all

It’s okay to mourn

and your stomach might ache with loss

But you’ll grow back stronger

And the sun will shine again

And one day you’ll look back and what you’ll see won’t be a mistake

It’ll be a goodbye of stardust and love

[starsandstanzas]

Okay I’ve been having a bit of a spiritual journey recently and there are just some things I’m really confused about

Like if god is all loving then he wouldn’t send people to hell

But if he didn’t send people to hell then terrible people would experience eternal paradise after death.

And if god allows suffering that means he isn’t all loving, and there’s no way he doesn’t want to end human suffering

But he hasn’t, which would then mean that he isn’t all powerful

And if it’s because he thinks it’s better for us or smth then that would mean he would be having a moral dilemma about it, which would then mean that he wasn’t perfect because a perfect being wouldn’t have moral dilemmas

God is a paradox of existence and the excuse that ‘humans can’t ever understand the mystery of God’ isn’t enough for me.

This isn’t meant to be an attack on anyone btw I’m sorry if I came off aggressive or rude I’m genuinely curious 🙏🙏😭

[starsandstanzas]

FUCK

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Reblog this post (posted from my secret tumblr acc) to ur secret tumblr acc I want to find my fellow clandestine tumblr users

[starsandstanzas]

In one way or another i think I’ve fallen a bit in love with all my friends

I feel like we should be able to fall in love platonically

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You are beautiful in the way of morning songs drifting through the breeze

An antique coin in a pawn shop off the corner of Morningside Drive

And a secret known by few

Of which one is me.

You have the warmth of gingerbread houses and candlelit windows within you

And a sort of cadence to your voice that brings out an unwilling smile

You make me better

You make the stars shine a little brighter

I can’t wait to grow grey hairs together

Be aunts to each others children and Christmas cards on each others walls,

I can’t wait to see what you become

What warmth you’ll bring to a cold world

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“I wasn’t always like this”

Ha ha, but isn’t that a cruel irony, because I always was. I just hadn’t realized it yet.

When I was nine I was still scared and lonely and the feeling of cardboard against my fingertips still made me gag.

No past version of myself would be disappointed in what I became because I’ve always been this way.

I think she would be disappointed that I never became more.

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Sometimes I’m scared that everything I’ve fought for will amount to nothing

That my war to happiness,

The blood I shed to laugh again,

Will mean nothing in the face of a cruel world and a sheltered child playing at adult.

That one day, ten years from now I’ll look back

And wish I’d only succumbed to the violent musings of myself at fourteen

And then what will I do?

A desperate search for treasure

Turned a grave of my own making

What will come of me when the stars taunt me from the night sky with their twinkling

Bleeding out for a future I misread

A foolish child gone down the rabbit hole

With her dreams of city lights and homely smiles and rolling hills

Oh god

What if I die with the glint of regret in my eyes

[starsandstanzas]

do you ever look at your best friend and just think “someone is going to be so in love with you someday”