singinginmute

[singinginmute]

Sepia

[singinginmute]

i keep my hands soft

i must say how quickly it has come

where i sit and know i will not any longer

avoiding these things that i cannot avoid any longer

and unable to see myself in the eyes of the world.

  the palms of my hands are blurred

i reapply lotion to blur the creases

and soften the grit i know i must see

while hoping nobody else will see either.

  the days are uncertain and grow me weak

acting, feeling, sensing that i know absolutely nothing

yet dreaming to go very far away

yet fearing of the day.

  frames of who i was 

and the way i looked in the mirror each day.

she is sweet and dying for a chance

and all i wish is to kiss her on the forehead.

  i see her in the way i wish i could see now

and yet she never learns through the falling of the leaves

and the shifting of the clouds where she lingers and cries

until she sits in a spot where she knows she will leave.

  the scale is balanced in a state of imbalance

where each turn meets a roadblock with a glimmer of sunlight

but each turn shining bright is a lightning strike

so it's best to keep it level

not to disrupt what there is

and to keep as it is 

until life lives me out.

  my eyes are bigger than the meaning of life

i see so much in contradiction

so nothing can hold a true meaning

 im unknown to myself in my very core.

  i see the corners and the insides and outsides

and they scramble within themselves

they travel inside out and outside in

troubled as to never find a place to stay.

  i wonder where the fate truly lies

and what my palms can read

and if i will dare to listen to what they've traced

to which i cannot let a soul see in the first place

 because if i wipe the rose tint away

and try looking in the mirror one more time

i will always be the true enemy of mine.

  and knowing this still 

i look toward the world

and put in my efforts where i know i most belong

so wherever that leads me 

i will remain a coward

and apply lotion up and down my body

  i will still see the virgin of myself

who refuses to shed out

and constraints my pride

because i know that its always easier.

  and ill hide all of my secrets

so that no one will ever know

the fraud that there is

that lives in the creases of my palms.

  the reason for my life is myself 

and the cause of my ruin is 

the lowest version that i am.

  and ill hope on my hands and knees

for bigger tits and less pimples on my ass

because in my world where i blur these lines

i look toward the way i trace my entrance to a room instead.

  so ill cut my hair while missing the long

and wonder why i cant look the way i did last month

and if anyone sees me as a symbol of 

an unattainable goddess.

  though of course its unimaginable

when i sit in the kitchen,

i ask myself what im doing here

and i scorn the person in the back of my head.

  to which i know the answer 

but will never truly speak

and ill make my hands as soft as possible

avoiding the cracks of my skin and the wrinkles that will form.

  the same melody will repeat through every medium

and the words will be hidden behind my voice

that i hope somebody will at least take note of

but i never know if they do.

  i can never know where i stand here

because ive never had a person to tell me it

and i cannot bear to trace those lines on my own

so ill keep my hands soft instead.

[singinginmute]

i hope we drive parallel paths

its odd to me

how ive imagined love as a game

but with you its a warm blanket

with barely any affirmations.

i feel as if

something is so right

but whats so right

makes me worry its wrong.

for im a beginner

I have much to learn

I've only known love once

which is something unimagined before

as we rock in our chairs

drive our separate cars

and give one word responses

two old souls matched so young.

with you is where I imagine

while we steer to different roads

I know you are parallel to me

and I hope we meet at the end

stringing together with the faith of our rhythm

thinking at once

while our scenes are separate.

i like to imagine us in the finish line.

a young hopeless one dreams in distances

racing miles at a time

while you take it at steps

and while our eyes meet once in the seventh

the time feels constrained

and so on forth overall we are

or so I worry as I look far ahead.

as i say im young and bright eyed

i have barely done my own time

but i hope your watch is synced

and you meet me upon our patterned rugs

hanging up your worn pots and pans

in which we place inside a dream.

this devotion feels old as time

enriched and vintage with value

i hope you match my soul

truly,

though life spins itself on end

time feels short.

i want to catch up 

but this sunset sky feels cool.

i wish i had the time

this time costs us both

and as i look into the surface of my palms

there's religious signs of hopes.

and by the fireplace we sit

these cats hobbling unto our laps

and our company is full

with the pleasure of us both.

its no hightop hallway or dramatic triangles.

its harvested and gold and familiar

swaying back and forth

calm and serene are our lives when as one

sipping new wines 

and staining our lips upon the other

petting soft cats while sending clouds into the air

describing the meaning of it all in simple manners.

its as if we have lived it all

yet there is much to be seen

and none to be saw.

is this strength or fragility?

where are we bound 

as strong as this feels

while as effortless as we lay

sighing with relief under these crickets

you're on a few steps ahead now

and i will be living separate days

come august when the sun fully sets

will you join me?

will you come with me and follow me?

[singinginmute]

an old entry from my high school golden year

i never use this- this was an old escape, release. of my old insecurities, thoughts. i organized things here. and now while im 17 years old, im growing up and blossoming before my very eyes of my own mirror that was moved throughout the rearrangements of my room and the indecision of my life: i have often found outlets of my strong emotions. these emotions arent sad - the last sadness i felt was when getting home from the hospital that night and leaving him there. but things are okay and although i know life brings the unexpected, it seems to never understand instability at all times: things always resort to their natural state. at least, i hope it remains that way for a while until i am matured and unafraid (the irony is my balanced inability to think with clarity and face the unknown). the fact is, my fears come with my overbearing happiness. the overthinking of my happiness. my appreciation of things is overwhelming, if one was going to be completely honest. 

and which is why i am on this old.... account..... no other source would correctly hold these feelings.

the feeling of happiness- and not such a plain elation- but a pure, significant, happiness which literally fills the heart so intently with the feeling of not knowing what to do with yourself or how to behave, think, or process is such a popularized concept in the media that i follow. things are honest, light hearted and dark humored. love is embraced, people are appreciated, and the subtle, quiet, little things that one could see every day are embroidered into clothes and pinned into hair. youth is celebrated and the bittersweet feeling of being an adolescent in a movie just might be coming true these days for everyone.

i cant believe that every morning i can put in my earbuds using my old phone (that is on the verge of delivery into the scraps of the wasted and replaced with the bright equivalence of my spring sparkles and rosy cheeks) and look out the window of my bus, tracing the blurriness of each leaf and twig on a bumpy backroad, wondering the music video it could only create with the music that might match way too well. i get to keep an earbud in my ear and skip to the beat of the gravel and tiles of the cafeteria floor, and begin my day. having the chance to extend to the tips of my toes to wrap my arms around and kiss a cute boy might just drive me crazy if i think about it too much. i can skip to the beat of my own laughter and the sound of my friends voices and the waves that are created from the curves of each smile as if i was still listening to my music. 

[singinginmute]

friend

rest in the east

and focus on the sky

sunken in thin lips

are pearly wedding teeth

quivering chilly nights

indigo tokens shrill spines

needing and wanting but

must do what is right

rearrangements in the mind

hush

survive

our meaning is to try to find

i will be here for you

and wait for you

through milky mists

and steamy blues

dictate

stay safe

soft

furry

dont worry

[singinginmute]

salvation

Cracks on cabin floors

Whiffs of green

Thin fairies dangle

A sheet of potato lies

With rumbling echos

And mumbling openings

When found glass

A surprise jump and nuzzle

On a fresh ground

Arms lay out for strength

A curve on the lips

Thoughts of forgiveness

Brown gems look back

A beautiful being

When the seems are a spark of light

Now

Pretend

Ignore beauty of earth

A dish of cry

A side of anger

A platter of miss

Bubbles explode with tears

When broken chains are unfixed

Wonder how

Why

Walk past a scenery

Heads under horizons

Classy figures die

From a world of

Breathing links

And expressions of love

To

Fucking salvation

And seas of blinks

And bloody flashbacks

Because how can

A feeling so precious

Transition and flip

Into a desire and want

And be so deadly

And drip your tears?

[singinginmute]

Simone Weil, 'Void and Compensation' (in Gravity and Grace, trans. Emma Craufurd)

[singinginmute]

"To be in love is to fill your soul with beauty, you don't need another human being for that.. you can love your morning coffee, you can fall in love with a sunrise.. you can adore flowers, oh how the time flies. You can be in love with someone and they could never know, you can love art, books, food, even your fav show.. you can love the color pink or red or orange, you can love who you are too, even if your pages are torn. You can love sunsets and walks in the park, you can love puppies and kittens, or just sitting in the dark.. there are so many things to love in this world, fill yourself with them and you will find your happiness.. look at the world with open eyes and you will find that so many things impress. Such is the way of beauty, and when you find the beauty in yourself.. that is the most beautiful of all."

Self love isn't just about loving yourself.. it's loving the world around you too - eUë

[singinginmute]