screaminginsilenceblog

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Exits

Der immer schneller fahrende Zug kam zum Stehen und ich stieg aus. Ich ging auf das freie Feld hinaus, nur ein paar Schritte, und ich atmete tief ein. Ich sah mich um und hatte seit langer Zeit wieder das Gefühl, die Welt mit klarem Blick zu sehen. Aus den Fenstern des Zuges heraus erschien alles unscharf, verzerrt von der Geschwindigkeit, und es blieb keine Zeit, dass der Blick sich klärte. Doch nun stand ich hier draußen und sah die Welt ganz friedlich vor mir liegen. Ich sah die Sonnenstrahlen, die feine Staubpartikel in der Luft funkeln lie��en. Ich sah, wie der Wind durch das frische Grün wehte und die Grashalme tanzen ließ. Ich sah die Weite vor mir und noch nie fühlte ich mich so ruhig bei dem Gedanken, nicht zu wissen, wie weit sie sich tatsächlich erstreckte, nicht zu wissen, was dahinter lag. Auf der Zugfahrt war mein Ziel stets festgelegt, die Fahrtzeit klar definiert und die Umstiegsmöglichkeit begrenzt. Plötzlich verspürte ich jedoch die Lust, querfeldein zu gehen, mich von Sonne und Wind antreiben zu lassen und meine Augen für das Ungewisse zu öffnen. Ich ging noch ein paar Schritte weiter auf das Feld hinaus und entdeckte plötzlich Pflanzen wieder, die ich lange nicht gesehen hatte. Ich nahm das vertraute Gefühl der Wärme auf meiner Haut wahr, das ich lange nicht mehr verspürt hatte. Ich nahm mir einen kurzen Moment Zeit, dies alles in mich aufzusaugen, Zeit, die ich normalerweise nicht hatte. Hinter mir hörte ich das erschöpfte Ausatmen des Zuges, aber ich warf keinen Blick zurück. Auf einmal hatte ich regelrecht Angst davor, dass ich jeden Augenblick dazu aufgerufen werden könnte, zurück in den Zug zu steigen. Ich befürchtete, dass ein regelrechter Sog aufkommen würde, der mich zu den Schienen zurückzog, mich dazu zwang, erneut einzusteigen und mit rasender Geschwindigkeit weiterzufahren, vielleicht sogar noch schneller als zuvor. Ich stellte mir instinktiv die Frage, ob es das Ziel oder die schnelle Fahrt dorthin war, die ich mehr fürchtete. Mein Blick war jedoch weiterhin in die Ferne gerichtet, während all diese Gedanken durch meinen Kopf schwirrten. Ich war fest entschlossen, mein Ziel zu erreichen, auch wenn ich nicht genau wusste, wie es aussah. Und auch wenn ich den Weg dorthin nicht kannte und nicht wusste, wie lange ich unterwegs sein würde, ob das Wetter umschlagen würde, das Gelände rauer und unberechenbarer werden würde, so war ich mir mit einem Mal ganz sicher, dass ich den Weg zu Fuß der schnellen Zugfahrt vorziehen würde. Ich würde die Chance nutzen, mich vom Wind leiten zu lassen, um hier und da einen Schlenker einzulegen, ich würde an besonders schönen Orten meine Geschwindigkeit reduzieren, etwas verweilen und die Sonne genießen. Und doch würde ich stets zielstrebig weitergehen und meiner inneren Wegbeschreibung Vertrauen schenken. Ich atmete tief ein und setzte entschlossen und neugierig einen Fuß vor den anderen. Ich ging in meinem eigenen Tempo voran und genoss die Zeit fernab der Zuglinie, frei von vorbestimmten Geschwindigkeiten und Streckenplänen. Auf einmal war ich sehr froh über meinen Ausstieg. In der Ferne sah ich, wie sich die Wolken am Himmel verdichteten und ich spürte, einen stürmischen Wind vom Rand des Feldes aus in meine Richtung wehen. Das umschlagende Wetter dämpfte mich jedoch nicht in meiner Entschlossenheit, sondern rief mich zu sich und ließ mich mit Mut voranschreiten, mutig und dankbar für alles, was ich auf meinem Weg wahrnehmen, erleben und mit ungetrübten Blick sehen würde. Hinter mir hörte ich erneut ein erschöpftes Ausatmen des Zuges, gefolgt von einem ohrenbetäubenden Dröhnen und ich wusste, dass der Zug seine Fahrt wieder aufnehmen würde. Die Wolkendecke über mir wurde immer dichter, dunkler und die ersten Regentropfen wurden vom Wind herangetragen. Ich schloss meine Augen für einen kurzen Moment und spürte, dass ich mich noch nie zuvor so frei gefühlt hatte. Die Zugtüren schlossen sich mit einem ruckartigen Geräusch, das endgültig klang. Als der Zug in der Ferne weiterzog, riskierte ich einen letzten Blick zurück und bemerkte, dass ich nicht die Einzige war, die den kurzen Halt zum Aussteigen genutzt hatte. Auf dem Feld befanden sich noch andere Menschen, die bereit waren, ihrem eigenen Weg zu folgen und die dem Regen entgegen lächelten. Ich richtete meinen Blick wieder nach vorn und bemerkte, dass ich ebenfalls lächelte.

[screaminginsilenceblog]

Love Remains

liebe bleibt.

blauer mond, farbgeruch, stiller durst, wo bist du?

raue haut, lichterstrahl, keine wahl, bist du nah?

augen zu, müdigkeit, endloszeit, ich bin dein.

mondenschein, lichterglanz, lebenszeit, du bist mein.

farbenspiel, meine wahl, augen auf, du bist da.

sehnsuchtsdurst, haut an haut, ewigkeit, liebe bleibt.

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Calm Breath

Es heißt, die Welt kommt zum Stillstand. Doch vielmehr ist es ein Innehalten, das jedem Menschen die Gelegenheit gibt, in sich zu ruhen. Keine Atempause, sondern ein ruhiges Weiteratmen, ein stilles Nachdenken. Nicht über Sorgen, nicht über Ängste, sondern ein Reflektieren als leiser Beobachter des Moments.

Es ist Zeit für einen kurzen Halt, um das Gesicht zur Sonne zu richten, die Augen zu schließen und loszulassen. So oft erleben wir den Alltag mit Schnelligkeit, mit stetigem Druck, mit rasendem Herzen. Und viel zu selten erlauben wir uns, loszulassen. Unser Alltag zwingt uns dieses enorme Tempo auf, er drängt uns in Strukturen, denen wir folgen und die uns in der Spur halten. Er lässt uns dabei kaum Zeit für einen ruhigen Atem. 

Schlagzeilen und Meldungen, besorgte Gesichter und Anrufe resultieren nun aus dieser Schnelligkeit, die über uns hereinbricht, uns urplötzlich überrollt, wenn Strukturen auf einmal keine Gültigkeit mehr haben. Aber die Erde dreht sich immer noch genauso schnell oder langsam wie vorher und die Sonne wartet nur darauf, dass sich jemand die Zeit nimmt, sie zu genießen. Mit ruhigem Atem wirkt die Welt fast schon friedlich. Vielleicht erlauben wir uns auch Frieden mit uns selbst zu schließen und den Blick abzuwenden von all dem Chaos da draußen, hin zu dem, was wirklich zählt.

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Darker sides

“I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time. I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time.”

There are always two sides of anything - black and white, light and shadows, good and bad. No one is a perfectly good person, but sometimes one can be surprised of ones own darker side. I would call myself a friendly, thoughtful and caring person, but in the last few months I learned about a much darker side in me. It all started with feeling uncomfortable in close to certain people. I couldn’t laugh about their jokes anymore, I wasn’t sure what to talk with them about. So I backed off. I tried not to get around anymore, but life decided to bring me back to these people. Now, again, I felt uncomfortable, but in a more bugged way. I couldn’t listen to them talking which goes along with rolling my eyes and being ignorant in some kind of way. So, there I was with these thoughts in my mind. These were thougts that I am not very proud of, thoughts that wouldn’t wish them the best and, instead, hoped for everyone around to realize who they really are. At this point, I want to clarify that I have been through a lot with these people knowing them a few years. But over the years, people can change and I couldn’t handle this fact and the people theirselves anymore. That made me forget about what I liked about them, what the good sides are, but not what they ment to me and this is what makes it even harder and what made me wish for others to recognize - so they won’t get hurt theirselves. Sometimes, I find myself thinking about them cursing and crying and wishing to get far away and never have to see them again. This is not how one should handle such kind of situation. This is not what I thought I’d be. These thoughts disappear over time when I haven’t seen these people for a while, but they’re right back in the moment I am again confronted with them. It makes it hard to hold on to that friendly side of me, even though I know that it’s the right way to handle the situation friendly and as a grown-up person that I’m really try to be. Nevertheless, I learned a lot about myself because of what was going on in the past few months. I learned something about my darker side and how dark it can be. And I learned that sometimes, I like being not the best version of myself and let go of these friendly vibes, because from time to time I can allow myself to be a bit darker than I usually am and it’s still me. The most important thing is just to always find my way back into the light.

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Screaming in silence

"I'll never fight again and this is how it ends."

Sometimes, music is the only true thing, that helps; it gives you security, thrills you, makes you want to scream in silence, takes you away and makes you feel alright. Oneself finds strength in music and the human behind it breaks to pieces without anyone noticing it. Music remains, but this is not how it should've ended.

We will miss you, Chester!

[screaminginsilenceblog]

I am still here.

Dear world,

some seasons passed again since writing down my thoughts. Now, another season turns into something that looks like spring. I am still here, but also at a new point in life. Isn’t it meant to be this way while still growing up? It seems like I found back to myself at a new place. At this time, I can finally enjoy a day on my own again. So here I am, still happy to be with all the people I enjoy spending time with, happy to live in love knowing there’s no better place than in his arms. But still, some moments alone can be like medicine when I need to put my thoughts in order or maybe just sink into them for a while. Now, I am here to give some (maybe) stupid things a try not having anyone around me to reflect or judge them. On the other side, I use these times to keep on reflecting more and more. I try to not just reflect but handle these thoughts on my mind. There are some things in life, you have to deal with on your own. In the past few weeks, I wasn’t able to come to an end with thoughts I’m not done with yet. I keep on thinking about it over and over again, maybe also talking about it with the one I trust the most. But I wasn’t quite sure if I understand it correctly myself while I was speaking. In some moments, I also found myself going back to bad manners, behaviors that I wanted to leave behind. So here I am trying to remember what I made of this old version of me. I’m not like that anymore. I found myself at a new place, a new home, a new kind of working and learning. I found myself in the same loving arms and the luck of almost two years by his side while we’re both constantly evolving together. I try to evolve on my own too, even when it’s hard to keep it in mind while being confronted with old fears that I had to face on my own. Sometimes I am thankful for looking back, seeing what has changed. I came to the conclusion that it might be better this way. It might be right the way it is even when there’s still the wish of change in some cases. But now I am here and lucky with that. So I guess it’s good to be on my own sometimes, not trying to wish to be somewhere else. And after these last seasons of change and times of joy, it’s good to see - especially in these moments - that I am somehow still here. From time to time it’s good to remember who I am, who I became and who I want to be. Right now, I am still here and I am still me. 

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Oceans above, feelings below

What happens when university takes break? It’s time for a certain summer atmosphere, time to travel again, to leave one’s cares behind and to finally have some days for myself. So I started my summer break with a trip with friends to Gdansk in Poland. We kind of celebrated our passed exams by deigning us some time to just hang out at the beach with a healing view at the sea. We explored the historic city and I took the chance to create some photographic memories. 

In the last few weeks, there were some more highlights regarding my plans for summer: Going paddling with my dad, being at a movie night together with my best friend, having a raft trip with friends and looking at the stars together as well as a concert event with my love. Thinking about it, there’s nothing but this raft on the calm lake at night, this view at the moon as red as I’ve never see it before, already disappearing behind the clouds. There’s nothing but standing in a screaming crowd, while I can only see blinding lights and my favourite eyes, while feeling the bass inside my whole body. And rain is falling down as there were oceans above us. There’s nothing but this. 

Still, it’s an illusion that one can leave all of one’s cares behind. When you’re at a certain place, when you know, you’ll be soon meeting again a certain person, suddenly everything comes back to you. If it’s the feeling of a changing connection, maybe the loss of it. If it’s to miss someone or to hear this person speak to you, being different, and to miss the old version. Everything you’ve thought about for weeks to finally put it behind is on your mind again and over again. And some thoughts don’t leave you alone that easy. 

This is all about human conflicts and to deal with it. But it depends how you deal with it - if you back away, maybe try to leave it behind you, or if you go and think think think and talk talk talk to the person until you both finally reach a point. If you’re lucky, maybe it’s the point where you have someone back. Some weeks ago, I watched a movie about family. About honesty and about trust in each other. I have to admit, this was the point where I decided to try to be honest again and to take one step towards a person. I wanted to have this connection back, even if it wouldn’t be that easy. When there are different kinds of feelings involved, it’s not only about conficts between people but about conflicts inside me. So I had to deal with them, too, while enjoying all those days or nights, while being confronted with lasting memories and with life itself. It’s going to be worth it!  

[screaminginsilenceblog]

Let go of it

My best friend once told me: Pressure won’t kill you. Now it was time to remember this mantra again, because in July, there was my exam period. Before this month started, I didn’t know whether I’m coming or going and it seemed like all of the appointments overwhelmed me. So I created a schedule of what would await me this month and step by step, I could tick passed events and go on struggle through all of what was yet to come. It was again about ups and downs, anxiety and disappointment, joy and relief. Looking back on my results, there are indeed some reasons to be a bit proud - reasons that may help me move on concerning my future plans, too. 

Even if there’s so much to do, I think it’s important to also find some time to relax or go outside and have fun. If it’s simply an evening with friends, one of those rare evenings with my housemate at home or a candlelight dinner with my love - it helped me let go of the stress to recover my mind. And by the time the exams passed, moments like these were my reward. I took the chance to finally go swimming in the river for the first time this year, I spent a day in Berlin just to find myself listening to music that definitely could be my soundtrack of this summer, I enjoyed the early summer evening while barbecuing with friends and went to an open-air-cinema at night just to sit next to my very own starlight.

Nevertheless, over the passed few weeks, my nerves were stressed and that’s the point where rumination is worse than usual. I think, to certain people, my face is like an open book. If someone really knows me, I’m easy to read at any given moment. But for me, it’s hard to read other’s faces or minds and I ask myself what this quiet smile, this frowning or this absent look really mean. Sometimes, it’s like all of my feelings are unfolded and everything, that made me the way I am, seems quite clear. So, is it wrong to wish to decode your mind when you can so easily read mine? And is it wrong to learn about a person’s past since one’s everthing one has been through at last? This was the time to finally write a song again to let off my thoughts. This was the time to overcome pressure, stress and rumination by reflection myself, doing what makes me feel comfortable and being with people who made me let go of everything else.     

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Travelling... in time

This month was about travelling... to known places and in time. These days, I rarely see my family. But when I took the chance to see them again, I enjoyed every moment. It was like travelling back to walks along the river in spring and also to my passion of theatre. I remember being overwhelmed by what I saw and listened to, two years ago. Now, being back, watching a new play, right in the middle of my loved ones, made me so happy. It made me think about my German course again, about my stay in Great Britain at Shakespeare’s town and about the moment I first heard of a new band in my hometown. Being confronted with what theatre really is and what it makes us feel like, it was an unforgettable experience to change roles and watch the play right from the stage looking into the auditorium. The play ended with me being speechless, sitting in a rain of confetti, looking into my favourite eyes. 

When I was 11 years old, it was the first time that I was at a wedding. Now, under totally different circumstances, I took part at a wedding again. And even if I didn’t know a lot of people, it felt like I belonged there just because of one person and it felt right. Isn’t it the best feeling in the world when you know where you belong to, to whom you belong to? Some weeks ago, I was asked about my dream. For me, it’s not easy at all to talk about what is normally hidden deep within my soul, what’s the thing I dream about since I was a child, lying in bed, listening to music to fall asleep at night. But what if it’s not only up to me to make my dream come true? Because if you dream to belong to someone, there’s also this someone involved. Talking about the future is not that easy, but again, love told me better... 

It’s always strange to travel to a place where you haven’t been for so long, that you can’t really remember anything. It’s like you haven’t been there before and you’re searching for anything in your remembrance to proof that you indeed have been there. Being on a trip with friends of course creates new memories which may overshade the last ones. Nevertheless, it isn’t wrong going back to places where you’ve already been - you may see it through different eyes. 

Eventually, you can also add something to your memory. One year ago, there was an event called “Fête de la musique” which I kept in mind as a summer evening where I sat side by side with the one I love. This year, there’s no description that would fit better, so I just add new impressions to my mind that only strengthen my heart and make me look forward to a new-found tradition.

These days, it’s all about adding new memories to your mind, being at the right place looking back with different eyes and looking forward with hope...

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New versions

There is really something about this variety of relaxed hours at home and events that tempted me to go outside. This mixtures always helps me to deal with upcoming stress at university. So, these days, I find myself experiencing something new all the time.

New smells or impressions, old friends or memories - that’s what I kept in mind thinking back what this month was like. Visiting a little market in Berlin, looking behind the scences in an art studio and having a good time with my best friend. It’s been a while, since we spent some more days together, but it just felt like nothing ever changed. We visited an exhibition of Salvador Dali in Berlin. It’s great to see that an artist is versatile, that he knows about different styles of art and wants to reinvent himself.

It’s surprising how different it feels experiencing music live right in front of you. When I was on a little concert, I felt the energy, the strength behind the words and how much of his heart, the singer put into his songs. Normally, it’s not a kind of music I would listen to, but after all, I enjoyed listening while he stood on this little stage only with a guitar. When it comes to music and lyrics, there couldn’t be a better mixture. 

One of the most impressive or even shocking moments I had visiting a theme park near the Baltic Sea. I never had that feeling of true fear before. It was a moment, when only one thing came to my mind, like an anchor to me, so I can hold on what made my life so bright in this dark moment. I wasn’t only doddery but unbelievable happy to have overcome this moment only with the help of what means the world to me. 

While experiencing all of these moments, it seemed like I missed some turning point. For me, it’s always hard to deal with changes. Suddenly, I was confronted with a lifechanging decision which I haven’t seen coming. It’s not that I couldn’t deal with it, it’s just the question in my mind, why? And why did it hit me all of a sudden. And what made the difference. Maybe, people just evolve themselves into a new version of them each day until there’s this turning point when everyone else start to notice. Looking back, I have to ask myself, to what extent all these experiences, that I made, changed me, too. Am I, right now while I’m writing, already a new version of myself? And is it impossible to recognize if someone changes? People are good at hiding and I want to get better at learning about them and about me and about the versions we become...   

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There are miracles.

We don’t need to understand. There are miracles. 

During the last year, a lot of things changed in my life and I learned a lot. I learned what it means to live a student life, what it’s like to miss my family, what it feels like to move in with someone, what it means to value all the little things in life, what it’s like to be different and to reflect on, to have breakdowns and moments of unbelievable joy. I learned about new music, new art and what makes love and art so similar. I learned that being crazy is such a good thing. 

First of all, I learned about pure love. 

Even when I stopped writing, I still wanted to share my memories, I wanted to let go of my fears, I wanted to reflect and hold on. I still want. I look back thinking that I kind of missed writing but I also stopped living just to have something to write. This is something I don’t miss at all. There are so much more things worth living for. Over all, I want to be childish, kitschy and loving. And even when I still don’t understand how all of this happened or how I went that crazy, I’m so happy now. To make writing again a part of my life, here’s the first new thing that I want to share with you:

We don’t need to understand. There are miracles. 

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'Love is just a sound that plays in your heart and gets caught in your throat.' - Christina Perri

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sin-ce-ri-ous-ly

adv.

1. the ability to speak freely, openly and honestly; about anything: if you're going to say something, say it sinceriously.

2. to initiate any action while spreading as much good karma as possible.

"It's a campaign to get people talking. And what better way to get people talking than by creating a new word." - Stephen Amell 

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#jesuischarlie: An Illustrator’s Response by @lucille_clerc

To see the responses from artists and illustrators worldwide to events in France, browse the #charliehebdo, #jesuischarlie and #voyageavecmoi hashtags. To view more of Lucille’s work follow @lucille_clerc on Instagram.

“It’s a small way to contribute, to make a drawing,” says Lucille Clerc (@lucille_clerc), a French illustrator and printmaker based in London, whose hand-drawn image in response to the Charlie Hebdo attack in Paris resonated with people worldwide. “It’s a little drop in the end, but if it inspires and encourages people to react in a positive way, then it’s good.”

Lucille started drawing as a child, and her work is inspired by architecture and places around her. She draws by hand, then scans her work before creating a screen print. Putting pen to paper was her reaction to the attacks on journalists and artists. “The risk is that you respond to violence with violence, and that would be such a terrible thing to do. The victims were good people and pacifists and I wanted to create something for people to respond to in a peaceful way,” Lucille says. “To express ourselves no matter what, that’s the best tribute we can give.”

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Crossed pencils

Dear world,

the new year started and I had to admit that I was excited about seeing everyone in my new city again. But after the first week, there were already a lot of ups and downs.

Yesterday, I was invited to a kind of board game party. I was really looking forward to that because I enjoyed the last time so much and maybe also because of a reason I'm not ready to acknowledge to myself yet. 

Looking back, it was one of these evenings when I find myself being so different depending on the people who are with me. When someone unknown arrived, I suddenly became so withdrawn. I told myself it's because I didn't like that someone, but actually, that's simply not fair to say after knowing a person for about 2 hours. So I came up with my familiar theory, that I just can't get along with new people anyway. 

As if this wasn't enough, this person came up with a kind of riddle. At the beginning, no one figured out the system behind it which was necessary to solve the riddle. But step-by-step they figured it out. I didn't. First of all, something like that drives me crazy in general. I tried so many ways in my head, but I still don't know the answer now. And of course, I was down seeing everyone else making jokes about how easy the answer is. The second thing that made it so hard for me is not that easy to explain: As I said, it's sometimes hard for me to get along with people. In my head, I secretly said to me that it's because when years ago, others built up their social network, I was just the girl who sat at home studying for school. But it was fine and I was proud of where this brought me. But just one day before this certain evening, I told a friend about my A-Level results. And now I wasn't able to solve something that is said to be so easy and this friend was there. And maybe also someone I wanted to impress. But if I cannot even score with knowledge and cleverness, when already all else fails, what's left of me then?  

I was so frustrated and upset on my way home that night, because I felt like I was the one who just ruined my evening. But the worst thing is that I might have ruined something else too. At this point, I'm not sure if I'll ever get invited to such an evening again or if they looked at me the same way as I do now: being so out of place.  

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