sauver-cosima

[sauver-cosima]

tonight i can't think straight only feel ghosts in every noise and shadow when did they become real? when did breathing become a war? the ocean swelling in my breast (payment for sleeping under stars) forcing waves out my ragged throat i felt the moon tugging at my blood (love and hate rising with the tide) and knew i was savage and dying and alone (i suspect (fear) i will fight til the end finding solace only in seconds of silence and song) (is that anything wrong?)

[sauver-cosima]

and heavy raindrops throwing themselves into thirsty earth, and salty sea breeze shaking dry leaves, and waves of sunshine beating bare skin, and currents returning to kiss the sand again and again --

unknowing their object,  craving all the more,

(without the ocean, what is the shore?)

[sauver-cosima]

11 minute sketches, courtesy of pixelovely

[sauver-cosima]

caprice

eye have red & sew am full splintered wrists will span under the wait of your shoulders an arbitrary matchstik mouse saw my mane I’m you’re house, name, incendiary forgotten our we buzzadic swarm of cabs covered slow heads above asphalt dots sworn hidden tourniquets

no pennies, here, not one

the anti-all, dao-om-adonai, packed misty rudders, slew of sad anchors,  and neither left nor write, while god chopped onions for lunch

under poly-skinned rows of lovers you believed your unself unlatched weight endless iambs tramped on perpetual purposeless, mind awe-full 

apian fruit, nautical flows unwinding

[sauver-cosima]

where've you been?

Singapore, Philippines, Thailand, China. And heading back to Thailand in October. 

[sauver-cosima]

Culture demands that you should be something other than what you are. What a tremendous amount of energy — the will, the effort — we waste trying to become that.

U.G. Krishnamurti (via kalliope-amorphous)

[sauver-cosima]

i want to be a drop of water that never knows (never cares) it is surging along an ocean current, hanging at the edge of a cloud, (pulsing within veins) seeping into rich earth, (sucked through roots)  trembling at the tip of a leaf, adrift in the breeze

i want to destroy my( )self again and again until i see distinct shifting particles  each moment becoming and unbecoming  and all is everything & everything is nothing (i want to die), but

I do not want to end I want to continue this endless wave undulate indefinitely along a never-ending axis  imagining infinite positive slopes if I just change this or that then gravity might lose its pull  I never grasp my own insanity unseeing the inexorable plunge again until time slows down (a line is not a line but a series of points) edges blur some fear of some thing beyond and I  retreat into me

you feel it too (?) rush of vertigo a pause at the apex unknowing what comes next only the thud of blood when you see how much space surrounds how far there is to fall

i want to fly but I do not want to die

[sauver-cosima]

say a word enough, it becomes meaningless, disappears into sound: me me me me me me me me. see? “when you grow up, grow up, Grow Up, you’ll understand” time will wash you away, oceans tugging at sand

must years bring hardness, belief, self-righteous pride? what do decades teach but repetition, emptiness inside?

(vacant seashells crushed in the tide)

I love you I love you I     love    you see? affection born of time and memory what do you love, your ideas or me?

as though this striving could bring release you preach of calm, joy, compassion, peace

nothing but noise, brittle, loud words ringing hollow and proud

[sauver-cosima]

Tension. A knotted rope twists its way from the base of my skull across my shoulder and down my back, clenching at every movement of the spine. Constricting, squeezing, half of my body hard and unforgiving. As though my muscles had been replaced by minuscule stones and sandpaper. 

When pain is, everything else is secondary. I may take note of the breeze caressing my face, dappled shadows of trees in the morning glow, the untenable vastness of the sky, but pain wrenches me back into myself, a harsh leash around my neck. 

Exploring the feeling, not fighting the tension, allowing my head to float - the sensation remains, but the pain is gone. Muscles remain tight, twisted, sore, but nothing more. 

[sauver-cosima]

I am on a train. I am speechless. Clouds,sky, trees, flashing by outside but if I try to look too hard I see nothing but a green and blue blur. Glass-filtered sunlight seeping into my skin. If I watch, for a moment I feel tree bark growing on my arms, hear the chattering of ants and smell every flower and my body becomes so alert and it is a feeling like falling but also infinity but then that silence ends and I am myself again. I am afraid. The boundaries of me feel safe. I turn sensation into thought and just like that the sensation is gone. Why can't I talk? There is something alive in my chest. It pushes air out of my throat and hot liquid out of my eyes and I want to scream but I am speechless. Speechless, far from silence. Pictures and colors and feelings flashing by inside but if I try to turn them into words I say nothing but a vaguely meaningful blur. Your smile and your words radiate warmth, melting my bones. I want you to touch me, though I am shy under your gaze. Every time feels as though I have never been looked at before, never been touched. I care too much what you think of me, I fear judgement. I am afraid. And yet you're the only one who could see me without judgement (do you? I used to think so, but I don't know anymore. not that it matters, perhaps it's all in my head). Everything, everything is in my head. I see a flower and it is beautiful and then I think it is beautiful and it is gone. I am afraid. I mouth the words, taste them and push them around my mouth but they refuse to pass my lips. I love you. The words are fragile and sacred and true and they slip out in barely a whisper. I want to shout. I love you. I love you, and I fall in love with you again and again and again. I adore you, when you make me laugh, when you make me think, when you tear me apart.

I am on a bus. I am alone. The sound of the engine is inseparable from the rumbling movement, inseparable from us who sway and stop with it. The vastness of things overwhelms me. Every building and flower and person and tree is so startlingly there. They are me, but there is no me when I see that they are. The world of me is narrow and sad; when I live in it there is little other than frustration and self pity. When I listen and look, there is only    space.

[sauver-cosima]

what is a sex drive where is the sex going does it even have a license

[sauver-cosima]

[sauver-cosima]

elves - graceful and beautiful

[sauver-cosima]

favorite character meme four relationships ♡ Helena x Sarah (1/4)

[sauver-cosima]

“Children aren’t coloring books. You don’t get to fill them with your favorite colors.

Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner (via roartonofficial)

[sauver-cosima]

Olive Snook in Season 1

"Wouldn’t it just rock ‘n roll if liking someone meant they had to like you back? ‘Course that would be a different universe and something else would probably suck."

[sauver-cosima]