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realityisweird101 · 4 months ago

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My Heart is Yours, Do With it as You Wish. (Pt.1)

toxic drake - one-sided drake - drew angst - 2.8k words

cws: mentions of sh (not depicted), mentions of sewerslide (ex: 'it would be better if he wasn't here', 'he just wants to die', 'without ___ he's nothing'), obsession, mentions of violence (nothing really happens), major mood swings, BPD, throwing up, depression, edd, not taking care of oneself rly, implied underage drinking

aka: batshit crazy drew. ur welcome!!<3

Drew's never gotten the ideal of getting friends. Sure, they were amusing, but Drew never felt anything with other people his age.

So he tried. He really did, he tried making a connection, and it worked, since he had friends, but it didn't feel as nice as everyone said it did. Liam and Henry—they were funny people, sure. Drew liked being friends with them, but only a miniscule amount more than everyone else his age.

But—those…freaks. They made Drew feel something other than just tolerance, which was how he felt about almost everyone else. They made his eyes roll, his teeth clench, his smirk turn from just smugness to full on cockyness.

And so Drew made sure they hated him, so he had a reason to hate them.

It was better than just…nothing, after all. So, he became some sort of bully, which wasn't his goal, but it still made that purple-haired weirdo hate him, and so the rest did as well.

But…but then—

Drew's eyes caught chocolate brown ones. They were warm—so warm, and Drew loved them.

Jake.

Jake Sterling.

That name sounded so right in his brain, occupying it's own space, pushing all unnecessary affairs aside.

Jake.

Jake became his new best friend, and Drew finally understood the ideal of getting a best friend. This…this warmth in his chest was better than anything he had ever felt before. Sure, hatred was better than…whatever he felt before, but happiness felt like fireworks erupting in his stomach, like hot chocolate on a cold, cold day.

Drew supposes that was how he felt before. Cold. With twinges of joy and hatred at times.

So Jake remained his best friend. And the music club remained his enemies. And life went on as it should, with equal amounts of hate and joy, which made his life finally feel complete.

_______

Daisy.

Daisy was a nice person, Drew tolerated her a bit more than everyone else.

(But she was the reason why Jake went away, why he left Drew—left forever.)

Jake liked Daisy. He had an idiotic crush on her, which led him to him leaving Drew, and him joining the music club of all things. But, Jake was still his best friend, so it was fine. It was okay.

_______

“Dreewww! Don't you think about anything other than Jake? Seriously, you're glaring at your lunch as if it killed your grandma. Or Jake, since you probably care about him more than your grandma.” Henry said in a sing-song voice. He was probably joking, but now that Drew thought about it, he never felt anything for anyone else. Sure, he wasn't emotionless, but he didn't particularly care if they broke an arm, or something.

Drew never did care much about his grandma. He had never met her, either, so that was probably it.

…he remembered something his parents said about a dead mother or father, but why would Drew care if he didn't feel anything about it?

“Shut up, Henry. And it's just the fact that he keeps on ditching us to hang out with those…freaks. God, they're probably going to embarrass themselves all over again.” Drew grumbled, picking at the school lunch. It looked gross. Even grosser than usual, and wasn’t that strange.

“If I didn't know better, I would think you're in loove!” Liam snickered, winking seductively, and Drew glared at him.

“No, you idiots. We're just friends, duh.” Drew mumbled. “‘Thought that was what everyone meant.” He mumbled even quieter, afterwards.

“Dude, I get that you're…friends. It's just that you never act like that about Liam and I, and you're practically always obsessing about Jake. It's not really best-friend-esque.” Henry said, taking a sip of his signature lettuce juice, which is…gross, by the way.

“Whatever. I like Jake, I like both of you, I don't like the music freaks, end of discussion.” Drew said, staring at both of them in a way that dared them to disagree.

They changed the subject.

_______

Zoey. Zoey was a strange phenomenon. At first, Drew was convinced he liked her. Maybe it was those brown eyes, or the blonde and pink hair.

Or maybe it was the fact that he could barely piece his memories together, since all the ones without Jake had slipped out of his mind.

…and there were far more memories without Jake than with him, at the time. He had to spend a few days rearranging his memories, since he could barely remember what his own name was.

But, he did care about Zoey, a little bit of happiness which drove him to her. She wasn't nice, but she made the perfect model-girlfriend, so Drew didn't care much.

He did care about her though, he wanted her to be happy, so she didn't know that he wasn't.

But after Jake, Drew's care started to dwindle…

______

“Drew? Drew, what's wrong? Drew?” Liam—Liam? That name sounded wrong.

Jake, saying his name, the way his mouth moved.

Jake, blinking, the way his lashes collided as his eyes closed.

Jake, walking, walking closer to him—

Jake, his Jake—

“Mmph.” Drew…Drew, grumbled. His head felt light, and heavy, although his heart felt lighter. He had a headache, and he…where was Jake?

“Drew, seriously, you're scaring me.” Henry said, sounding concerned. Drew didn't know why they were worried.

And where was Jake?

“Wh't's ‘rong?” Drew mumbled, his words slurring together.

Jake, smiling, the way his teeth shimmered in the sunlight.

Jake, holding a remote controller, how he did a stupid dance to celebrate his win.

Jake, crying, as he poured his guts out to him.

Jake, his Jake, his perfect Jake—

“You—you haven't been to school in days, and you won't text us. Or Jake, and you always text Jake back.” Liam mumbled, and he seemed a bit upset by that fact.

Jake, he didn't text Jake back? Oh. Oh Jake probably hated him, and he couldn't have that—

Where was his phone? Wait. When did he get a phone? Why were they in his house? How did they get into his house? How long had it been?

Jake, brushing his hair.

Jake, hugging him, telling him it would be okay.

Jake, calling him when Drew couldn't breathe—

Jake, his oxygen, his sun, his world—

“Drew, talk to us. Your eyes keep on going hazy—have you even eaten? Have you slept? What's wrong?” Henry tried, his hands on Drew's shoulders, shaking him, and Drew blinked.

“‘M okay. Uh…jus’...tired.” Drew mumbled, and tried keeping the haze of Jake from obscuring his vision.

“Shut up! You're not fine, Drew. You're—you're not anything! You're sitting here, doing God knows what! You're not talking to anyone, not contacting anyone, and you won’t even eat, sleep, or anything!” Liam burst out, and, and—

He had eyebags under his eyes, his usually styled hair was messy—as if someone brushed a hand in it too many times, and he was dressed in only sweatpants and a loose shirt. He looked stressed. But Drew didn't care because Jake—

Drew wanted Jake to hold him. He wanted Jake to love him. He wanted Jake, point blank. He…

…felt a tear roll down his face.

“‘M sorry, okay? I didn't—I'm trying, to be a human, to be real, to be Drew. I'm trying to be alive, to eat, to sleep, to be functional. But nothing matters and I'm trying to find something that matters but the only thing that matters is Jake and he's gone.” Drew gasped out, and he was.

“Drew—Drew. Don't—Don't cry. It's—Jake's not gone, he's here, we're here, aren't we enough?” Henry said, and he had tears streaming down his face. Drew couldn't, he couldn't look at one of his best friends cry like that—

He let himself drift away with the haze, because in the haze there were no heartbroken friends, no aching hearts, no need to be human.

In the haze there was Jake.

And Jake was enough for Drew, better than the world, than the sun, than anything else in the world.

_______

Drew looked at the blonde haired boy beside him, and smiled, wider than he had in a while.

Jake caught his eye, and looked surprised for a moment, his eyebrows shooting up, but smiled back widely, if not wider than Drew.

It made a burst of warmth fill Drew.

Jake was his. He loved Jake. (But not like that, he was a guy. Drew doesn't love guys.)

_______

Drew looked at Jake and Hailey.

Hailey, a stupid freak who had stolen Jake.

Jake looked so happy, he was smiling, he was grinning, he was laughing.

Drew wanted to tear her apart, to rip out her heart, to drive her away.

Jake was happy, he was happier without Drew.

He couldn't be, he wasn't he couldn't—

_______

Drew slammed his back against his bedroom door, glad his parents weren't here, and screamed.

_______

Drew giggled, and stared at the photo in his hand. It was a photo of the ‘Jomies’, and there was Jake and he was smiling.

He looked happy with Drew.

(Not as happy as he was with that freak—)

He scribbled the other faces with black marker.

It was Jake, wasn't it? And he was smiling, and he wasn't with those freaks. Oh, it was Jake, fantastic, wonderful, beautiful Jake.

_______

“Go away, go away, go away, go the fuck AWAY—”

The brown haired boy looked afraid, but left him alone anyways.

_______

Drew didn't want to get up. He didn't want to do anything.

He wanted Jake. He needed Jake, but Jake didn't need him.

Oh, wasn't that funny?

The one, one person Drew loved—loved, wasn't that hilarious?—had left him.

And Drew called him a freak, the final nail in the coffin.

God, Drew couldn't, he couldn't he couldn't breathe he couldn't speak because—

_______

Drew: hi

Liam: drew? drew r u ok? that was heated. r u ok?

Liam: shuld i come ovr?

Drew: no. don't. actually, fuck you.

Liam: ???

Drew: fuck u. if u hadn't stayed with me maybe jake would've stayed. maybe

Liam: drew, dude, ur making no sense.

Drew: i dint care, he's gone, okay? he's GONE. don't you fucking understand? he's gone, liam, he hates me. us.

Liam: drew, pls, are u okay?

Drew: fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.

Drew: he's gone, and ur asking if im okay? he's gone, he's gone, liam.

Drew: go away, fuck you, fuck me, i should've done something. i should've just left the freaks alone because i already felt something and so there was no point and it's all my fucking fault oh god

_______

Jake won the competition.

Drew should feel happy about this.

(He doesn't.)

Maybe something’s wrong with him. He knew something was wrong with him. He just…ignored it, because it didn't matter.

But that was the problem.

Nothing mattered.

Everything felt insignificant. He felt things, but he felt things so minorly that most of the time he could barely manage a smile.

And so—so when he felt an actual emotion, it was overwhelming and he needed—

_______

He screamed and screamed and screamed until his throat felt raw—

_______

Crimson.

The color reminded him of something.

Of freckles, eyes, and soft words.

And disgusting jokes.

But all he could think of was chocolate brown eyes.

Of warm hugs.

Of stupid jokes and stupid haircuts.

Of love.

Something hurt.

Maybe it was his heart.

_______

Henry: drew? drewy-bear!!!

Drew: ?

Henry: OH HI I DIDNG THINK U WOULD ACTUALLY RESPOND

Henry: haha i mean hello dude

Henry: uve been ghosting us 4 a while now, u okay?

Drew: yeah

Drew: im fine

Henry: we could come over, if u'd like.

Drew: No.

Drew: don't. I'm fine.

Henry: …

Henry: that wasn't a question, dude:)

Henry: we're coming over.

_______

Drew wrapped bandages around his arms because they were bloody and he didn't know why.

Jake was still gone.

He hadn't texted him, or anything.

Drew felt…he felt…shit—

“Drew! You look like shit!” Henry exclaimed, and Drew jumped. He had a grin on his face, which faltered slightly when he actually looked at Drew. “Really, really fucked up shit.” He added, more concerned that time.

“Yo.” Liam said, looking slightly better than he did the last time Drew saw him. “Oh, you do look like shit. Have you eaten? Or slept? Or showered? It's been like, a week, dude.” Liam asked, and Drew blinked at him.

It felt like much, much longer.

Henry and Liam helped him eat something, and didn't say anything when he couldn't manage anything down.

Henry and Liam helped him take a shower, and brush his teeth.

They helped him re-dye his hair, because his real hair color made him feel antsy.

They helped him clean up his room, which had become a mess.

They helped him go outside. Only for a short walk, but it was something.

They helped him feel human.

They saw his arms, which Drew couldn't clean because he didn't want to see them.

They hid all his sharp items, for a reason Drew couldn't understand.

They played a video game with him.

They stayed the night, and they all had a cuddlefest during the night.

They didn't say anything when he woke up during the night, they didn't say anything when he cried in their arms, they didn't say anything when he couldn't breathe.

(Well, they did say something. But only good things.)

They made him feel human again.

But of course, that just had to get ruined—

______

He screamed, he screamed because he needed Jake and he was gone and he screamed and screamed and—

______

He wanted to cry, to cry and cry and die.

Not die. That was a bit too far.

(But he was nothing without Jake, so what was the point in living?)

______

Everything felt hazy.

He took a sip.

His head felt like it was stuffed with cotton.

He took a sip.

Where was he anymore?

He took a sip.

He couldn't remember anything.

He took a sip.

He was outside somewhere, wasn't he?

He took a sip.

“Drew?”

He dropped the bottle.

_______

Drew opened his eyes, which felt much too heavy. His arms stung—that wasn't good. He couldn't remember what happened last night, but his head was throbbing and his mouth tasted acidic.

“Drew, you awake?” A soft voice spoke, and Drew felt his heart melt somewhat. “You—you okay?” The voice asked, and Drew hummed.

“‘Mm, ‘m ‘Kay.” He mumbled, “head ‘urts.” He huffed, and opened his eyes a little. The light burned his eyes, as he suspected, but he could see brown hair and red eyes.

Liam.

Huh. Why did he go to Liam's house?

“You're lucky my parents aren't here, y'know. They would kill me if they knew I had a guy over. ‘Specially if it was you.” Liam huffed, and Drew's face twisted in confusion.

“Why especially me?” Drew asked, and Liam didn't answer.

“...Drew. How…how…how'd you get something sharp? I just…I thought me and Henry…” Liam started, and Drew stiffened. He…he didn't—

Liam didn't push any further.

Drew was glad.

_______

The first time Drew went to school without Jake was two weeks after they stopped being friends. No one really noticed Drew was gone, and so no one noticed he had come back.

“Yeah! You're back! The Dromies are back together!” Henry exclaimed, a wide grin on his face.

And…and Drew felt something.

“What the hell are the Dromies?” Drew asked, rolling his eyes. Of course, during his fit Henry and Liam went on to name their trio something stupid.

“Homies, but Drew style!” Henry exclaimed, shooting finger guns at Drew, who cringed.

“Uh. I do not have a style, thank you very much. Never do…that, again.” Drew said, gesturing at all of Henry. Liam let out a choked laugh, and suddenly Henry started laughing as well, and well, if Drew started laughing a tiny bit, no he didn't.

_______

Drew saw Jake in the hallway and his heart dropped.

He looked…so happy.

He was with the freaks—the entire gang, and of course he and Hailey were glued together like peanut butter and jelly. He was grinning, joking around, and laughing whenever Hailey blushed.

Blushed.

Were they dating?

Were they—

Drew rushed to the nearest bathroom, and puked his guts out.

He couldn't even look at Jake.

How pathetic.

_______

And that's the end of pt.1! errm i hope it was ok?? idk. so like it's disorganized in the writing and that was on purpose bc ofc drew's head is a bit mushed up at the moment. if it doesn't make sense at some parts, it probably isn't rly supposed to, but u probs still get the gist that drew is OBSESSED, riggght?

also. the way Henry and Liam are handling what's going on may seem bad (ex: not telling anyone, not getting drew any help) but i don't rly think so bc for teenagers the way they dealt with it was pretty cool, and if they told anyone drew would probs js not improve at all and probs would've gotten worse so like idk js wanted to let yall know that. they were probs kind of freaking out as well so that's a reason.

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