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if only...

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don't give up what you want the most for what you want in the moment

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the need to feel delicate

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update on my condition.

I went to the doctors yesterday because I needed a medical certificate for my work.

The dr was concerned about my weight, she said I'm losing hair and prescribed me a ton of bl00d tests to do when i get better (with v0mit!ng).

And she said i have to gain weight, I told her i feel better that way but she insisted on putting on at least 3kg, and that it would be best to never go under 50kg., especially with my height... all of that totally unrelated to the problem I came to her with.

I appreciate her concern, I know she wants what's best for my health, but I swear, for my MENTAL health being around 50kg, let alone above, is the worst i could possibly do.

sorry for venting, this is just the only place i could say all of that. Because my family and my best friend would be mad at me.

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what i got for christmas?

~ food poisoning ~

and period. so i kind of feel like i'm dy!ng, but i haven't eaten at all in two days and i lost 1.5kg :)

i do realize it's just water weight and food weight i "lost" after kneeling on a bathroom floor for a whole night, but still. feels kinda nice. i hope it doesn't come back.

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I want to be so fucking skinny I will be scared when I look in the mirror

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i’m going to be angelic

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thinspo for youu<33

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Alt girl mirror selfie inspoﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ

reqs open જ⁀➴ ♡

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slim fingers>>>

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ok hear me out

I got two of my wisdom teeth extracted two days ago. Now I am "forced" to keep a liquid / very soft food diet (coffee and anything hot is prohibited though).

And it kinda ?? Makes me feel hopeful ??

That I will get back to heavier r3str1ct!on. To putting my mind into every single thing that goes into my mouth.

That I will become my past self again.

I was slightly heavier and less happy back then, miserable at times, even, but I kinda miss my d1s0rder3d 3at1ng habits and mindset. That absolute control.

I've had some ice cream today, per my jaw surgeon's recommendation, and so I counted my c4l0ries for fun. Usually I just estimate them subconsciously, got them memorized after all those years. But carefully counting and measuring feels different.

I also bought low carb yogurts, jelly and baby food (haven't had those in a few years. So hard to find vegetarian ones... I was positively surprised to see how l0w kc4l they are).

I wonder. What's going to change.

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my arms have gotten less toned and bony, i hate it here.

time to restrict a little bit again.

or maybe workout.

or both.

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