newyorkreject

[newyorkreject]

Red Snow

There's something in the way you lay

In a mahogany coffin of lies

And faint scent of Chardonnay

No, sweet red, engulfs your bed

Of which you've made

Pink stains on your pale lips

The blue bled out ocean in your dulled eyes

Rigamortis, your still hand clenches the blade,

Blood stained by your still side

Pulled the plug, ask 'whats up?'

Question why I'm still alive

And like the shadows in the corners of your room

At night

When I'm not a blessing,

I'm an unholy sight.

You chose your six to carry you home,

Five heart beats, breath going up in smoke,

In the cold.

The hill you chose to die on, well,

The bright red blood compliments the snow.

"And the day will come

Where brother takes up arm against brother"

Do you think it counts if ones the image of a mother?

What if I shed this skin,

Purge the ties and knots from within,

What will you think when you look into my eyes

And not see me?

[newyorkreject]

The Thought of You

These beige mountains bleed me dry,

Steals the brown from my eyes

And sucks the tan out my skin.

These barren trees, scattered and alone,

Like burnt match sticks protruding from Earth.

The salt flats mocks, bears lake sand spells out

'You know. This ain't your home.'

The uncanny betrayal of happy valley,

The smiles, sickly, embedding into my sight.

The thought of you, my refuge.

The thought of you, my poltergeist.

Save me, if you ever thought of my breaking soul-

Escape with me, a being never really known.

I crave the Atlantic, the cold bitter waters stripping my skin of its oil.

The sand beneath my feet and the loud music in my ears.

Kids jumping from pillar to pillar on the runned down pier.

The NYC skyline on the other side of the bay.

I don't know much, I'll admit through a cloud of smoke.

But all I seem to know

Is that you smell like home.

Your eyes the color of a familiar door,

Your arms- the cracked and peeling walls that raised me.

Talking to you feels like walking on those blood stained streets again-

Sounds so morbid compared to here,

white pocket fence,

But if you were conceived in chaos, raised in violence.

You have no choice

But to make a home in it.

[newyorkreject]

Twenties

The devil was in the mountains last night,

Watching your Subaru leading my car through these hilled streets.

As I basked in your dust,

You slept with my ashes.

The smoke of a dying flame

Showed the image of you-

The cards spell out your name

And in the darkness of this blanketed facet of the world,

I swear under my breath that all these roads

Lead to you.

Midnight Denny's run,

In a lonely sunken booth, you commit the greatest crime

Of looking at me as if I mean anything to you.

You feel so right

Yet so ungodly wrong.

Like a cigarette to my lips,

I want to breath you out.

Breath you in.

Seasons change

and the orange leaves are written on your face,

Darkened hungry eyes

Will haunt me to my grave.

Dreams drenched in you, your taste-

Wake up in a sweat and wonder over my cup of coffee

If you would dare to feel the same.

December's approaching like deadline, too fast.

You'll grow to die, then grow back again.

When the glue that brings us together,

As brittle and weak as it is now, wears down-

The question pops up like a body reanimated from the ground.

Will we die with it?

Becoming strangers in the frost of mid December?

Becoming colder than it's bone chilling weather?

Sugar skulls waiting, incense burning,

Waiting for your departure in the remnants of your failed entrance.

I'll mourn you before you go,

For one last time.

[newyorkreject]

Noise.

Am I ever that nagging feeling in the back of your mind?

Nibbling away at your ear.

A lost presence that you tear up your room trying to find?

Lost in a smoke, in a haze, babe,

I can make you see clear.

Am I ever that voice, that laugh,

Your favorite part of the backgrown noise?

Through teases and subtle remarks~

Love, you don't have to be so

Painfully pious.

Do pieces of the potential of me

Fill the cracks her neglect leaves?

Even out the grooves,

the epitome of fucked up youth,

And by the end,

We'll be as thick

as thieves.

But till then,

I'll be the nagging feeling in the back of your mind.

The quiet laugh, quick remark, in the background.

The shadow you see a glimpse of in the corner of your eye.

Presence so divine, I dare not need to make a sound.

And the thought of you will be like perfect temperature water,

To my lips at 3 a.m.

Starvation to see your eyes,

Darling, I don't want to be

just

a friend.

[newyorkreject]

Blood Sport

I'll bear my soul to you if I have nothing left to give.

I'll play this blood sport that is loving you

till there's no more crimes to commit.

Love till we bleed out,

nothing left in order for you to forgive.

Wasted breathe,

Nights spent

Wasted,

thinking about all the things never said-

Or the spoken words drenched in sin.

If I'm broke, broken, alone,

I might not have anything to offer but a beating heart,

A sacred soul wrapped in unholy skin.

I'll follow you till my lips turn blue,

My fingertips numb while exploring you.

The light I see at the end of the tunnel

Is just the light in the window of your bedroom.

They might try to pray me away,

Silent confessions in an adulterated booth-

They might command you to go astray,

Manifesting death while drunken on eternal youth.

But you'll find me there.

On that wooden altar.

Sacrificing- englufing myself in you.

And, my god, your fire surrounds me like a hug from beyond the grave.

A story beyond the pews.

Your silence is deafening, absence crawling under my flesh.

The nothingness rumbles the mountains, the scent of blood- fresh.

The silence is a hail storm of daggers and cigarettes.

Bruises on ones neck,

A crime of which I can attest.

Your silence is broken bullet proof glass-

Shards decorated with splatters of red.

Oh, your spirit holds mine so gently for person so crass.

And getting lost in your kiss,

Don't regret one drop that has been or will be

Shed.

[newyorkreject]

Reckoning

Perfect families.

Straight white teeth, multiple degrees.

Vacation homes at the foot of the sea.

A no-name mixing with the Kennedys.

Choking on the suffocating, fake formalities.

Posh accents & fancy polo shirts.

Smile, so sweetly, hiding their bared pearled teeth.

Ask me, so casually,

how much my life is worth.

Twist the dagger in my back,

Ask me how much it hurts.

Bend me till I start to crack,

Drowning in their laughs,

Debating which fate is worse.

Carrying the weight of the forgotten

Through the fields of legacies.

Speaking with the Ancients

While they worship false prophecies.

And it

Couldn't

Be

Me.

I smile.

Blood trickling my teeth.

A twenty first century Romeo and Juliet.

You can't kill the yearning

By playing the part society, for you, has set.

You can't bleed to truth dry,

In a pathetic attempt to establish a truth from a lie.

But you'll try-

But they'll try.

Until the night comes, day comes, where hopes die.

Where lit eyes go dark, becoming an undead stare.

Where falsehood, godhood, and priesthood intertwine-

The minute- the second they realize

but just

Don't

Care.

[newyorkreject]

Till I'm Speaking in Tongues

You can take another drag of your cig,

Blow the smoke into my lungs-

I need to take another hit,

Until I'm speaking in tongues.

Send out my battleships,

For a war yet to be won.

For I am one hell of a daughter,

And I'm sure you're one hell of a son.

Fogged up windows of the back seat of your car.

Tangled legs, hands lost in brown hair.

Nights like these, we mourn our lost dreams of going far.

Bruised knees, we remember our parents warning us that life isn't fair.

Running mascara, lip stick stains, cheap concealer to hide the scars.

You're the reason I'll see Hell, yet the answer to my prayers.

City street lights, distant cars honking, the pollution hiding the stars.

The faint scent of my perfume promising that'll I'll see you there.

And when time stops,

Do you think of me?

When walking down those suburban streets?

While your friends pour you a drink,

When you're too intoxicated to think-

Go head, take another drag,

Fill my lungs with the smoke of us.

And I'll take another hit of you,

Till I'm speaking in tongues.

My spirit, my soul waiting for you,

For when time continues

And our time finally comes.

[newyorkreject]

Fata Morgana

How are you unhappy in Happy Valley?

They ask me,

Smiles an inch too wide,

Blue eyes, white teeth, white lines.

White pills making out little white hills,

Their sugar coated words, snark and snide.

Their ocean surrounded irises

Slowly going to low tide.

Porcelain masks glued onto their pale skin.

Manicured sharpened nails and freshly ironed polo shirts.

So perfect- they dare not to sin,

So perfect- you'll find me in the barren outskirts.

Spiked water sent down those isles every Sunday.

Once a week, a demagogue pulls their leash.

Rehearsed words, darling, I hate mediocre plays.

Blue eyes, white lines, white teeth

An imitation, an illusion of gifts from the divine.

Luckily for I,

I can call their bluff.

Imagination infiltrating a lack of bloodline-

They'll drown their sorrows- not in alcohol,

But the crystal waters of the Mexican Gulf.

Lay on the beach, asking the blue sea,

How can they do so much, yet never enough?

And it's waves won't hold the answer,

But they'll think they have found one, none the less.

Their roots, foundations made of hopes and plaster,

Being falsely regarded as whats best.

I'm not sorry mine is made of concrete.

I'm not sorry your sea cannot seem to handle me.

I'm not sorry for your words to go unheard,

I'm not sorry for you failing to put a mask on me.

Fixing my eyes, fixing my teeth-

You won't find yourself in those thin pages

Or in those fancy sheets.

Nor any white line you inhale.

Nor any fancy trip to Greece.

Nor any empty atonement,

Empty words from any Bishop, or Priest.

You'll find yourselves

in the cleansing waters

Of the Gulf.

Like I have found myself

In the Caribbean Sea.

[newyorkreject]

Eye to Eye

I talk to you through divine cards and unbordered dreams,

Through the future being, haphazardly, weaved,

Bursting at the twined seams.

Where the mountains replace

The east coast seas.

Tigers Eye

Side by side with Aventurine.

Crash into me like a dying planet.

Red stains fallen on your lonely lips,

Sacrifice me like pomegranate.

Let me bleed at your altar,

lose my humanity in your kiss.

Dress me nicely in my casket.

Your breath hitting my nose,

So close- oh so cold.

Tigers Eye

Side by side

with Moss Agate.

My fingertips are red- raw,

From trying to hold onto the thought of you.

My body, shivering.

Cast me out,

I'll follow you till my lips turn blue.

My voice coarse, weak-

My soul tied in eagle scout taught knots.

Screaming, begging for you to see me.

Stuck in this mountain town of the have's

And have not's.

Who do I think I am?

Wanting such a man?

The doubt pours quicker than the mountains rain,

Bears down harder than the sun on this summers day.

Judges harsher than those old folk

In the churches Sunday Cabernet.

Like a devil in the tree line,

Tempting the little ones astray.

And, my oh my,

I find myself wanting to obey.

[newyorkreject]

My Poltergeist

I almost like the phantom of your ghost

More than my hallucinations of you.

My poltergeist, oh

Isn't it nice?

I come back everytime

Further obsessed with you.

The idea of your lips on mine,

Confessions over wine,

Oh, it's not my place to fantasize,

But as I look into your brown eyes

How can't I?

Darling, I'm your fool.

I want be in your crowd,

Under your skin,

An ache, a pull from within-

A battle your weak bones cannot win.

I want to be your pleasure,

I want to be your personal sin.

The traces of a once unbroken rule.

And I'll find you in the crevices hidden in my life,

In the darkness of my coffee,

In the redness of Spanish wine.

While you'll find me in her blue eyes,

In the silence between her whines.

Darling, we have time.

Afterall,

It's by my design

And

I

am

cruel.

[newyorkreject]

Devotee

I taste like Lemon herbal cigarettes,

Look like a face you won't bother to remember.

A night you wish you could forget.

Past going up in smoke,

Escaping my lungs-

Memories make me choke.

Oh, wasn't it fun?

Tread on the bones of past lovers;

In a graveyard, turn them into dust.

Feel the bones break, give way-

Feel the past become nothing but rust.

Will i be a welcomed corpse?

A welcomed void taking refuge in your heart?

Cashed baggies, nails scratched red marks on your porcelian back

Spelling out the word 'lust'.

Run ins at a Walmart parking lot?

Lit eyes, lit cigarettes, lit sparks?

Silent confessions laid forth on steaming summer pavement.

The breeze gripping the silent repentance,

Leading it to the mountains base.

Eye contact and tension in a college friends basement.

The smell of liquor and the honey of laughter

Masking the yearning of my beaten beating heart

To just stare at your face.

Bear down on my skin till your fingers break,

One in the flesh, the yearning of flesh.

Bear your soul till theres nothing

But brimstone and ash left.

Let the blood dripping from my mouth

Drown your fears, your doubts- out.

While you whisper in my ear,

My Darling,

you

are so

devout.

[newyorkreject]

Bait, Hook, Catch

I can feel the hook at the end of your line

pierce my inner cheek.

Drag me out of the sea,

Humble me at your feet.

Taste the White Claw on your chapped lips,

The cigarettes on my teeth.

As I fumble and struggle to walk on dry land

I wonder where you plan on taking me.

.

I stare from the emerald forests edge

Down the other end of the barrel of your gun.

Signaling another hunt

has just begun.

Let's see how skilled you are,

How well you were taught.

Your traps set haphazardly, but

That doesn't matter

when I want to get caught.

.

Running through the labyrinth of the brown in your eyes,

Your pale skin on mine while I sleep.

Dreaming of being the body next to yours,

And when I wake,

I feel the phantom of your spirit next to me.

The faintness of your scent

Tainting these beige sheets.

.

And when I hear your voice

Time

Simply

Stops.

The tension of held breaths,

The absence of ticking from a clock.

When I look into your eyes

The birds dare not to sing.

The crickets make no sound,

The phones fail to ring.

.

We are the arms on the clock,

Held still at 11:11.

The suffering of ones soul

While being able to gaze upon Heaven,

-the rotting dogwood of God's Door.

The touch of your leg on mine,

The silent blush,

And the overthinking of

Well, did it mean something more?

A soft snore escaping your sleeping body,

My heart racing, mind running-

God,

What if we were something more?

[newyorkreject]

Gas Station

I repent for my sins while the Devil wins.

Promise God I'll get sober while marrying gin.

Promise the jealous company my loyalty

While making a deal with a Djinn.

You're a game I like to play-

One that I'll never win.

I dream of blood I don't share,

Of familiar brown eyes that hold a loving stare.

When we die,

I want our bones crushed into dust- together

So that there'll never be a moment

Of me without you.

For Hells sake,

That's the least our God can do.

More than the tangling of legs underneath freshly washed sheets,

More than fingers lost in your hair,

Tugging, while begging for release.

I want to be more than lipstick stains

Decorated gently- yet roughly

On your sun kissed cheeks.

I want you to act

like you're scared of losing me.

While I spend nights awake,

Losing sleep.

I dream of a family I was never gifted,

A mother, sisters.

A pipe dream of which I am addicted,

Then I wake up once you kiss her.

There's no confessionals in this God forsaken state,

So I make one out of my old black Chevrolet.

And I imagine Gods sitting next to me,

In the passengers seat.

And once it's light, once dawn starts to break.

I tell Her about you in the parking lot of a gas station.

Asking if this is anything

but a mere fixation.

I can be that ink.

Those golden pages.

That faithless day.

That restaurant in Vegas.

Those nights in L.A.

The unlocking of cages.

The hope you find,

And the carnage it enrages.

I can be that haunting catalyst,

That prophecy where everything changes.

For I found a part of my soul-

In the Heavens of a gas station.

[newyorkreject]

I wear Grief.

I saw you today, 

You were a grey cat, standing- waiting,

Basking in the setting sun behind one of my Chevy tires.

I saw you today.

One thing they didn't tell me about grief 

Was the anger, the madness. 

The sadness lays dominant, 

Reminding me everyday as I clutch onto your tan cardigan.

Everytime I close my eyes, 

It's you again.

2,000 miles away, yet I'm always at the foot of your door, 

Sitting on your porch.

My god, I knew the sadness would suck but

The anger- the anger is so much worse. 

Nights spent up, in the city- drunk, 

Stumbling home,

Feel you there, screaming at the walls.

Screaming, begging- scolding-

Why? Why? Why? Why? 

Throwing bottles, throwing cups at those four walls-

The Mondavi dripping down.

The Sutter Home dripping down.

The Tito's dripping down.

Waking my mother up with drunken, violent seances,

A ouija board acting like our texts messages, 

And I think in the face of our Mother, Death-

You refused to see what would be there

   Or what wouldn't be-

Once you left.

I wear my grief, comfortably,

Just like your cardigan. 

My aura has adopted this dull light, 

Dark, dampened. 

I can hear you in the back of my mind, 

All the 

Fucking

Time.

I wear my grief like a poet, 

Your memory filling in every 

Fucking

Crack. 

I wear my grief like the youngest,

Not even knowing what the

Fuck

My blood

Boils at. 

I wear my grief like the oldest daughter, 

I would rip

This world

To fucking 

Shreads...

In order to hear your laugh, 

In order to see you- your face again.

And that's the thing with grief no one told me.

I could burn this world to the ground, 

I can ace my revenge, 

Drown the undeserving out

In a sea of blue.

I can cry till my bones shake, 

To the point I convince myself that 

God has to listen. 

I can rip this skin of mine off,

In a sea of red-

But

That won't bring you back. 

That won't let me hear your laugh.

That won't bring me answers 

Of which I was too young for you to have given.

Too young to understand.

God won't falter, the cycle won't glitch, 

That won't bring you back.

And a dead part of my soul knows-

Even if you did, 

Our family would never be the same.

Not after that day.

[newyorkreject]

Modelo with Lime.

I smile, dryly, through red wine stained teeth,

And talk through a thin layer of bottom shelf vodka.

Isn't that my curse?

To be good, alright, but never quite good enough?

My tears are lemon drops, my memory is merely a lipstick stain on a crystal whiskey glass.

To get your attention, but never enough?

To get your attention, but no action, no talk?

I want to know you,

Every want- every thought.

And you'd agree, if you were here with me,

Through your brown lashes and the spillage of soju.

That I wouldn't fit in with them-

With you.

Not fit enough, not funny enough, not innocent enough yet not ruined enough.

Parents didn't make enough.

The trauma speaks out too much-

Already had the cigarette phase once,

I speak your name to honor a blunt.

It's been over a week but it feels like months.

A never ending tale of is this love or lust?

A never ending tale of never being quite enough.

I hear their laughs when you go out with them.

I see their light filled eyes, their toned bodies.

Their laughs, their fucking laughs,

Eye contact and flash backs- oh-

I know I show up in your dreams-

But how do I tell you youre living mine?

You're a living, mine.

And maybe that's my curse.

Solitude. Isolation. Virgo, The Hermit.

I want to know you -but

Maybe I don't.

Someone gone once told me to never meet your heros.

But at night, when the party dies down and she's asleep

Or no one's around,

I feel your spirit floating here.

Maybe that's the closet I'll ever get to you.

Maybe that's the most I'll ever know of you.

So you can look your mother in the eye,

Saying what I want is mine,

While your white middle class friends drink Mikes hard,

Cause they hate the taste of wine.

So you can look her in the face and feel like you haven't committed a crime,

Throw me away so you don't feel like you're running out of time.

And we can be strangers,

Sharing a Modelo with lime.

Always there yet, never quite on time.

[newyorkreject]

Forest Lawn

Get home safe,

See the next day-

The smile, the flush on her face.

Get home safe.

Don't speed down your highways,

Chasing the high,

Dreading the fade.

We need you home

Safe.

Don't get lost in the rain.

Get lost in her eyes,

Relight the flame.

Exit signs are just an alibi,

A fleeting memory with a forest green sign

Written 'goodbye?

One mile ahead'

We might've missed our exit sign a while back,

But I like to think we are better drivers now.

The GPS starts working again-

The rain clears.

Sometime the potential of seeing you gone

Is all I fear.

[newyorkreject]

My Forest Lawn

You remind me of the east coast rain,

The running of mascara

The doubling of names.

You make me think of lost treasure,

Of gold and riches long lost.

Of the virtuous once right,

Now unforgivably wrong.

Of humming birds, of dead end roads.

Of Forest Lawn, a place I wish youd never know.

You remind me of scratches on ones back,

Words we wish we could take back.

You remind me of the smell of liquor,

Sweet and sour, power.

You make me fearful of obituaries,

Scared of seeing one bearing your name.

The fear you feel now reminds me-

Of the silent year,

The violent year,

The saddened year,

The prideful year,

We spent

Unknown

Alone

And foreign

To each other.

Forest Lawn