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Prep Is On Pause...

Let’s just get right to it: I didn’t like the coach I hired, my mother’s roof collapsed, and my oldest son keeps acting up; practically running on empty. All that I just mentioned is the very broad version, but, of course, I’ll break it down. Anyway, needless to say, I have been going a bit crazy the past week and a half. I am on the mend now. 

The coach I hired was not going to be a good fit for me and I knew from the first check- in. I chose her because she coaches someone that inspires me (wrong way to choose a coach). I sent my check-ins Monday morning, at almost 4 am Tuesday morning she told me to resubmit using her format. I resubmitted everything later on that day. The first week I lost 3lbs, she didn’t even acknowledge that when she responded Thursday. She left a voice message with a snippy tone about how she wanted everything to be submitted to her. OMG! Now, I know that I am not a prep coach, but I am a certified trainer, I would have praised the weight lost FIRST, then gone into the technicalities. Herr tone of voice stayed on my mind the entire day. I couldn’t go 16 weeks with that lingering. I, politely, told her “Thank you, but I am going to find another coach.” Yes! I lost my money, but I will NOT be “stuck” with anyone. My show date is pushed back and I have found a coach more my speed. I’ll be back on prep in about another week. 

I learned, the hard way, that your coach has to compliment who you are. The military in me didn’t like the late response and the hint of attitude in her voice. Yes, I paid my money, but that doesn’t mean that I have to stay with someone that’s going to add to my stress. I mean, I am a mother of two, taking courses towards my PhD and helping my mother. I don’t need the added bullshit! On to the next!

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Not My Gummies!

This week was, physically, exhausting. Let’s get the numbers out of the way first. I started the week at 127lbs and I am sitting at 126lbs. I can say “I ONLY lost one pound,” or I can say “Yes, I lost a pound!” I choose the latter. When you step on the scale every morning, you see the results of your choices or whatever your body is going through at that moment. If I eat too many carbs then I will see it an increase, may be in, only in ounces. It is clicking that every little thing counts. I had to throw away my gummy vitamins because of the calories; heartbreaking, I know. It never dawned on me that there were calories in my gummies (ugh)! It never mattered, now, I’m like “those calories will add up in the end.” Bye, Bye gummies.

I have been able to keep the negative thoughts to a minimum. I think my smile widens every time I catch myself in the mirror. Every time I eat tilapia and chicken breasts, I’m thinking “I got this!” I still get cravings, but I have the end result in my head and I don’t want to sabotage any more of my dreams, let alone THIS dream. When I get a sweet craving, I make my protein ice cream (that reminds me, I need to buy xantham gum). I still drink my keto coffee and i make it fit my macros. When I get deeper into prep, all the luxuries will go away. I am already daydreaming about my post show meal of Taco Bell and donuts. I can’t think of anything else. I have only practiced posing once in the last month, I plan on hiring a coach in the next few days. 

As I count down the day and weeks, it still doesn’t seem real. I feel that once I order my figure suit that it will hit me. I am ready and I am enjoying the process. I think I might retract that statement in a few more weeks. 

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16 Weeks Out Recap

Sunday, I was, officially, 15 weeks out from my first figure show. Week 16 went okay, started the week at 129lbs and ends at 127. While I am following my program, I get extra cardio from my Beachbody workouts. I love being a coach but the extra cardio, plus waking up early with Ronan, has me beyond exhausted by the end of the day. I am a Zombie by Wednesday! You would think that the weekend would mean a rest, however, Xavier (my oldest) plays soccer. Exhaustion has new levels, but it is worth it. When I see my abs popping in the morning and the tear drop showing, I get so hyped. Sometimes, I can’t believe that I am looking at my own body and I get excited for the changes to come.

My meals have still been lacking. I am supposed to be eating six times a day, I eat four guaranteed, maybe five on a good day. No more binging on peanut butter, though I am eating almond butter in my rice cakes or in my shake. Oh and the fiber supplement ( I don’t know why that makes me giggle). Yep! Fiber keeping me regular. I ran out of my ACV (apple cider vinegar) capsule, so I have been drinking ACV straight (I shuddered too). I see the benefits of gut health even more now.

I know that my stress levels will begin to fluctuate more in the coming months. I have online training clients, I was just hired as a trainer at a gym, and I begin my PhD courses in June. I need to get my time management back under control. If I only could plan out the rest of my life the way I plan out my meals. It is, definitely, more of a mental process, because once your mind is in check the body will follow.

18 Weeks Out 132

17 Weeks Out 130

16 Weeks Out 129

15 Weeks Out 127

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17 Weeks Out Recap

The title is basic compared to my previous blog posts. Many different things happened this week that I could t think of a quirky title. Anyway, Sunday I was feeling great, ready to attack the upcoming week and then Monday hit. Oh Monday, the day of “what if’s.” The sane ones that have kept me from competing sooner. It all boiled down to “what if I’m not good enough?” I had to remind myself “17 weeks to go.” I wonder what kind of thoughts will be running around in my head the closer I get.

Saturday made 9 months postpartum (yay, Ro!). I posted a side- by- side picture and I felt so proud to truly see the hard work. Numbers wise, I was 168lbs with 34% body fat and now I’m 127lbs with 25% body fat it seemed impossible back then, now look at me! I am so fucking proud of how far I’ve come and I’m sure I will feel exactly the same when I grace that stage in August. Continuing to read my devotional s helps pull me back from the negative thoughts.

Xavier had a soccer game and it was nice to be outside (it was gorgeous out). As I was walking around with Ronan. I noticed other moms, such a difference. I feel so tiny in the gym, my mother said she has never seen me this small. Watching the game, I had never felt more muscular. My quads were bulging and my biceps were in display. I am nowhere near my leanest and there I was, standing out like a sore thumb. I don’t look like the average mom of two. I dream different.

Going into week 16 at 129lbs, 3lbs lost in two weeks.

18 Weeks Out: 132

17 Weeks Out: 130

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Peanut Butter Is An Addiction

I am 17 weeks out from my first figure competition. I received my program and meal plan Thursday night. I didn’t want to start tweaking my diet going into the weekend, so I started last Sunday (18 weeks out). It’s not as if I had much cleaning up to do, but I knew I had to get my peanut butter consumption under control (it will not be the downfall of my prep). I went grocery shopping and decided powdered o abut butter would slow me down, and maybe it would have if I didn’t have a regular jar in the cabinet for my son. Monday through Thursday, I ate healthy, but found a way to include servings (yes, servings!) of peanut butter. I found myself breaking the 2 tbsp down to 6 tsps to trick my mind. Friday arrived, I had my meal plans and it clicked. I only had one tbsp, TOTAL ( I was shocked)!

Anyway, the first week, a few days I did catch the negative thoughts. “You won’t be able to stick to the diet,” and “the workouts will be unfamiliar; too hard.” The workouts are nothing I haven’t done before and the meals are simple. It is carb cycling, which I’ve never attempted (so far, so good). I felt great the entire week, but, by Friday I was so drained that I could barely keep my eyes open past 6pm (old lady status). My body was begging for some recovery time. Last Sunday I weighed 132lbs and 27% body fat, today I weigh 130lbs and 26% body fat.

I know that the entire prep won’t go this way. I am sure this will be a rollercoaster ride if weight and emotions. Well, for now I feel good.

Head down and focused!

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Almost time to start prepping, I’m a ball of nerves!

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Tryptophan and My Binge Eating

I feel that because I am a personal trainer, everyone that knows me expects me to have my shit together 100% of the time. When it comes to my diet and workouts, I am supposed to be perfect. Well that’s not always true for me. I have had many ups and downs on this health and fitness journey. I would have been embarrassed to mention this when I was younger, but now I know it is a common issue. I have learned over the years that my body responds best to healthy eating during the week and a cheat meal on Saturday (using Sunday for prepping).

When I decided to test out keto, I dove in head first ( the only way to do it). I was strict for two months, then my mother had surgery. The cravings, that had almost disappeared, came back screaming ( I’m assuming due to my rising stress levels). I was visiting my mother and eating all of her snack cakes, then back to eating healthy once I made it home. It didn’t get any better once she came home, all she wanted was cakes, cookies, and chips. If this didn’t stop soon there would be no way that I would be competing. I could tell my will power wasn’t going to cut it. So, to Amazon I went ( I randomly search for books all the time)!

I found The Craving Cure by Julia Ross (can’t remember the keywords I used ). I took the questionnaire at the beginning of the book (I think page 12), which determined that I crave the most when I am depressed. The amino acid recommended was Tryptophan (raise my serotonin levels). Now, I already had a bottle of tryptophan to help with my insomnia that comes and goes, I had no idea that it could help with food cravings. I started with 1 serving (2 capsules) twice a day; after breakfast and at bedtime. I noticed that my cravings were the strongest between 2-6pm, so I added another serving at around 2 pm. It took about three weeks for my binge eating to stop. I’m not sayin I don’t eat sweets, I just don’t eat everything in sight.

I never was a depressed eater, actually, the opposite. Different stressors at different times in your life can bring different responses.

The Cravings Cure by Julia Ross

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Prep is about to begin!

Ok…so after about a million changes, my competition show date is now August 4th in New Jersey. The show I had originally chosen was uploaded to be August 29th. So, three weeks have been taken away from my plan. Oh well…adapt and overcome, right?

Prepping for my first figure show seems daunting. Emotions have been all over the place the past few days. At first, when I noticed the change, I was excited. “Finally, I can get started” I thought. The next day, as I was planning out the week ahead, anxiety set in. “What if I can’t stick to this?” What if I cant bring a stage ready body?” I thought. I mean why would I want to train hard as hell for 18 weeks and not place, not earn a pro card? Pro card, first time out, would be the dream (fingers crossed).

I say I’m in prep, even though I won’t hire my coach (already chosen) for two more weeks. I am a personal trainer, so workouts will not be a problem. I am using these two weeks to get back into the habit of going to the gym. My mother’s spinal surgery and recovery had me sidelined for two months. I am using these two weeks to prepare my mind for what is am about to put my body through. There will be no quitting.

Finally going after a dream that I’ve had since I was a teenager. Only I know how much I want this and how much accomplishing this will mean to me.

Head down and focused!

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Booty gains

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I Tried A Refeed Day!

I had been hearing about refeed days for those doing keto/ low carb lifestyle. I was going back and forth about whether or not it would make me want to binge. Well, after 90 days, I decided to try a refeed day. I read that when you do refeed, you need to limit your fat intake (carbs+ fats= weight gain). One person said that they fast and then save their carbs for their last meal. I went about just trying to eat carbs and see how I felt after each meal. Meal one was just egg whites and white rice, topped with cinnamon. I was hungry about an hour and a half later. When I ate my fatty breakfast, it would take me 5 or 6 hours before I was remotely hungry. Meal two was two hours later and it was homemade Mac and cheese. About four hours later I went and bought Taco Bell chicken quesadilla, soft taco, and Cinnabon delights ( I haven’t had Taco Bell in about 9 months, since before Ronan was born). A few hours later I went to bed.

I have to say that I never really felt full and I was thinking about food the entire day. I was glad that I didn’t binge and I ate some of the foods I sort of missed. I gained almost two pounds and my abs were still popping. What bothers me is that I woke up starving and I feel like I have been eating all day. I was so excited to have my keto coffee and have ALL the fats again. I don’t know if I will make refeeds a thing, it was a nice change, but mentally, it is not for me. Hopefully, this overwhelming feeling of hunger goes away and I can get back on track. It will be awhile before I have another refeed day, if at all.

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Day 90 of keto/low carb living! Down 15lbs and 6% body fat

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I Promise, I’m Not Starving Myself!

Today officially marks my 90th day living the keto/low carb lifestyle. It has, definitely, become my lifestyle. I have lost 15lbs and 6% body fat since December 8th. It has become habit to wake up and have my keto coffee (avocado oil, mct oil, heavy whipping cream, butter). I love it! I have changed a few things around myself and some things changed naturally. I look at a plate completely different. I think of my protein and fats, then my carbs, and fats to cook the carbs in. I try to enter everything in myfitnesspal before I make it so that I am aware of my percentages. I was trying to stick to the 70/15/15 from Dr. Colbert’s The Keto Zone, but now I am closer to 75/15/10.

My mother the other day called me tiny, “I have never seen you this small before,” she said. I didn’t take offense, but “damn, I’m getting shredded, not tiny.” Ugh…even as an adult, parents just don’t understand (Will Smith). Anyway, I had to explain to her, one day when it was almost 2pm and I still hadn’t eaten, “I’m not starving myself, I’m just not hungry.” She said “ok” skeptically. I tried to explain to her that the amount of fats I consume when I do eat keep me full for hours. I, even, have to check in with myself when hours pass and I haven’t eaten, “yep still not hungry.” I have still have days that I am barely hungry and days where I could eat everything in sight.

Since, I workout heavy, I have learned to make my protein shakes keto-friendly. Depending on my macros, I will use half scoop or whole scoop of protein powder, avocado oil, butter, coconut oil, and heavy whipping cream. I used to flip out about my protein intake but I was being too restrictive. Even with taking psyllium husk, I still get constipated, so I have added in milk thistle to help detox. I have found joy in creating new meals, combining protein and fats. My favorite so far is a burger with four types of cheese and my favorite snack is still coconut oil on toast. And…you guessed it, I still hate avocado!

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I, Finally, Took My Hat Off

I know some people will read the title and say “okay, you took your hat off,” but obviously there is more to it. I have done the “big chop” three other time and I always where hats until it grows out to a length where I am able to braid or twist it. I have just felt that I would be laughed at. I wasn’t comfortable with myself, confident enough to just walk around without my hair (or lack there of) being covered. I would look in the mirror, at home, and say “oh, you’re forehead is too wide, your curl pattern isn’t bouncy curls, you don’t look like a female;” just tearing myself down.

The second week of February I cut all my hair off again and this time it felt more liberating. I was still walking around with a hat on everywhere I went. I purchased the book The Self Love Experiment by Shannon Kaiser and that’s when the shift happened. I woke up this past Thursday and I just didn’t want to wear the hat anymore. But, it was more than that, I wanted people to know I cut my hair off, so I wouldn’t revert back to hiding behind the hats when I post pics on social media. I made a post that showcased my hair and talked about the fear of being judged. The next day, I posted my normal workout posts without the hat and talked about how the world didn’t end and I didn’t die. Saturday, I went to the gym, my show off place, the place where to me my image matters and I took my hat off. I cannot explain how that felt. Finally, I felt like the mask was off and I could just be myself and truly not give a fuck what people think (it is so much a mental thing).

Taking off the hat, seemed to be the last thing I was hiding behind. I feel more empowered and confident since I posted the pic of my haircut. Nowhere to run, nothing to hide behind. I mean I’ll still wear a hat because it is winter, but I don’t feel like I need it to feel safe.

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Me

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I Used Buzzsprout

Yesterday…This Happened

I have been thinking about podcasting for months now. Gary Vee books talk about it all the time. I know that my niche is not YouTube. I feel so awkward in front of the camera, unless it’s a strictly workout video. I have hundreds of those on my channel. I, finally, looked into podcasting last week. Well a little further back than last week. I bought a microphone a few weeks ago with every intention of starting then. I guess you could say, I finally became serious about it last week, after finishing Crushing It by Gary Vee. I googled the best apps for podcasting, downloaded a few, couldn’t figure them out, deleted them! “I have a million stories to tell, so I am going to find an app I can use,” I told myself. I found buzzsprout and the steps sounded simple, “that’s the site I’m going to use when I am finished creating my outline(I have to be prepared).

Once the outline was completed, I sat down in a quiet area and recorded the entire 23 minute podcast on celibacy. I went to Buzzsprout.com, created a login, upload my recording from my iPhone, and that was it. I received an email a few minutes later telling me that the Celibacy and The Single Mom episode was live. Quick and to the point! So much simpler than the three other apps I downloaded! I think that making podcasting easy will enable more people to get their voices out there. I am sure that I am not the only person with stories to tell. Buzzsprout.com made it simple and that’s what I needed since I am new to this. I, actually, will be uploading my second podcast today.

Anyway, I love being able to feel no pressure to look amazing. I can just talk and get everything out and just move on to the next topic. Honestly, this is my final purge to get over the issues in my life and, quite, possibly help someone else out. I am sure there will be someone that can relate, until then…I’m just Embracing Bree (title of my podcast)!

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I work hard for my body because it’s the only one I have!

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I Didn’t Know I Needed To Vent!

So, I just finished a conversation with a complete stranger through DM. Initially, it was a sales pitch that I sent out this morning and she was responding. I related to her because she posts about her diabetes journey and my mother has diabetes. I follow a few people with diabetes thinking I can help my mother better. Anyway, she asked me how my mother was doing and if her diabetes was under control. “She is doing okay with her diabetes, but she just had spinal surgery.” The usual condolences followed. I talked about trying to get her to eat healthier. I don’t know if I was fishing for ideas or just talking.

She said “it must be frustrating,” and if course it is. I mean, I try to live healthy and I, the personal trainer, can’t get my own mother to be healthy. It’s definitely a blow to her health and my ego, I guess. The woman asked if my mom would do meal prepping and I reiterated my mother’s response when I asked her the same, “I don’t like left overs.” I explained that my mother has an excuse for every option that I have recommended. She, the lady in my DMs, said you can’t make her be healthy, and she is absolutely right. “All I can do is continue to talk and hopefully something sticks” I said. I just don’t want her health to decline from something that could be prevented. She told me that I am a good daughter for trying to get through to my mother.

“I didn’t know I needed to vent,” were my words to the unknown woman. I am still a bit baffled that I had such an in-depth conversation with a stranger. I guess I have been holding it all in because there is no one else to talk to. I mean my mother just had spinal surgery, my sister is having a flare up from Lupus, trying to raise my two boys…I guess I was holding it in. I don’t…I can’t burden anyone with my thoughts when I am to be their strength.