miraculousmichelle

[miraculousmichelle]

[miraculousmichelle]

How nice it would be, to be water. To have every part of your life determined by your surroundings, to not have to worry about decisions that could hurt you. Water just exists, flowing, yet still helps with life. If it’s cold, you freeze. If it’s hot you boil. If it’s touched, you ripple. It’s a simple concept, natural; I think that would be nice.

[miraculousmichelle]

Books are a marvelous thing…

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Why?

This is the most dangerous question to ask. I used to ask myself…

1. Why did my dad die before I was born?

2. Why did my grandpa die before I was born?

3. Why did my friend kill herself?

4. Why is my mom depressed?

5. Why am I depressed?

6. Why is this happening to me?

7. Why am I being punished?

8. Why does my mom have a terrible boyfriend?

9. Why can’t she see he’s no good?

10. WHY ME?

You know what answers I got? None. I used to ask myself these questions, I used to ask God. I never got an answer; I don’t think it would have helped any if I did. That’s the thing about questions, some just shouldn’t be answered. My father died because of the hospitals incompetence, my grandpa died because he had diabetes, my friend killed herself because she was sad, my mom is depressed because my dad died, I’m depressed because it’s hereditary, etc.

Does any of that make me feel better? No, it doesn’t. It still happened, there’s nothing to change it or to take it back; to press redo and do it all again.

If I could offer any advice? Don’t ask why. It took me years to tell myself there was nothing I could change, that all of this has made me who I am and that it happened for a reason.

Maybe my dad, my grandpa and my friend were taken to make me stronger, more emphatic and understanding. Maybe I am depressed so I can help others who are as well. Maybe all of these things happened to me for a bigger, better and unknown reason. Maybe it was all meant to be and I have to trust it was for the greater good.

Maybe, just maybe that is why.

[miraculousmichelle]

9/11 Remembered

20 years ago today I was 6 years old, my birthday would be in 6 days. I was excited for my birthday party I had scheduled, when I went to school that day. It was all I thought about until the principal came into the classroom to announce that we were having an early dismissal. All of my classmates starting talking excitedly, saying how we got to go home. I was the only student who said nothing, this wasn’t normal. Shortly after the principal’s announcement, we were on our buses. The principal visited each and every bus, when she got to mine she asked, “Does anyone have a parent working in the city?” There were two or three children who raised their hands quietly. This is when the other children knew something was wrong. The principal took their names and said, “We’ll make sure there’s someone at the bus stop for you.” When I finally got home my mom was waiting at the bus stop for me, I lived in a Ridgefield Connecticut complex at the time so the bus stop was crowded with everyone’s parents. Each and every parent had a look of relief when they saw their child. Some even embraced their children. I got to my mom and we walked home. As soon as we got to the living room I asked her, “Mom, what happened?” She looked at me sadly and with trepidation, unsure whether she should be truthful. She got down to my eye level, “A plane hit the twin towers.” I remember being confused, why would a plane hit the towers? What does that mean? “Are the people okay?” I asked her. She shook her head slowly, “I think a lot of people died, sweetie.” At the time, I didn’t fully comprehend how many lives were lost. I stayed quiet after that, my mom sat on the couch and put the news back on. I remember the intense focus she showed to the screen, a look of sadness, and fear. I kept seeing the plane hitting the tower, the news replayed it over and over again. I was familiar with death, my father died before I was born, my mom explained that meant he was in a deep sleep that he could never wake up from. As I look back, on how much has changed I grow more and more uneasy. We have advanced in almost every single front, medicine, technology, transportation, safety, and more. However, we haven’t advanced in what’s most important, kindness, hope, and empathy. We all have our own demons to battle, I understand that but that doesn’t mean anyone has the right to lash out at a stranger. All you see online is “Karen’s” being anti-vaccine, racist, homophobic, etc. We see acts of domestic terrorism, shootings, riots in the capital, and people refusing to wear masks. We used to respect people’s differences, their political parties, and other peoples cultures. We didn’t scare so easy, it’s true that there is a lot to fear, to be angry about, to grieve over but that isn’t any way to live your life. If 9/11 has taught us anything? It is that life is far too short, you shouldn’t spend it being bitter, yelling at other people because of the political figure they support, or cowering in fear of terrorism from another country. I want to live my life while I can, if I die young? I will miss the people I leave behind but the one thing I don’t want on my gravestone, “She died without living,” or “she died without a fight.” Live your life to the fullest, love others, and laugh at people who try to bring you down. 9/11 is a horrible tragedy in our country, but we aren’t defined by a building, a flag or a president. We are defined by what we choose to be. Choose life, love, laughter and kindness. Choose hope.

[miraculousmichelle]

Nothing better than driving with a good friend near sunset… 🌄

[miraculousmichelle]

Did She?

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️

I am currently watching a show called Trial By Media, it is a show that talks about cases that have been highly publicized. One episode is about a woman named Cheryl. Cheryl was gang-raped in the 1980’s, New Bedford Massachusetts.

Why am I talking about a case that happened over 30 years ago? Well, a very common theme was, “she asked for it.” The men who raped her were found guilty but only served around 6 years in prison and then released. Unfortunately, two years after the trial Cheryl drove drunk and her car hit a telephone pole. Because of what happened to her she turned into a social pariah and had to leave the town she knew and loved.

Don’t get me wrong, I know we have improved in regards to rape cases but we still hear that. “If you’re wearing that? You’re asking for it!” Am I? Maybe I am proud of how I look, maybe I like showing my body for my benefit, not anyone else’s. Why does that automatically become received as “asking for it?” It’s not. Maybe men should not make assumptions about women by what they wear. Maybe men should be taught women are not objects to be played with whenever they please.

How would a man feel if he got robbed of his Porsche, Rolex and his pair of Jordan’s by a woman and when he reported it he was told, “well you asked for it, you kept showing your expensive stuff.” The answer would be not good, the man would feel irrelevant, invalidated, and unheard. That’s exactly how women feel when told that after rape.

I have never felt this sense of invasion, I can only imagine how violated you would feel. Don’t victim blame, especially when you have no idea what that person has gone through. Teach your sons to treat women right, women remember you can say no.

Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. I know it can be damning to press charges, but the sooner you report what happened the better chance the conviction is. I personally hate how being raped has a time stamp, it is an emotionally scarring experience. But if you choose to press charges, then that monster won’t be able to hurt someone else in a long time. I know the system isn’t perfect but your word matters, don’t do it just for yourself, do it for your children and your children’s children.

[miraculousmichelle]

Happy Pride Month! 🏳️‍🌈

[miraculousmichelle]

Found this in my memories and wanted to share it…

I’ve been silent on social media regarding everything that’s been happening. It isn’t because I have nothing to say I just wanted to choose my words carefully...

I am mostly Peruvian but I look white, I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like walking a mile in a black persons shoes. People crossing the street to avoid being “mugged,” people asking who you are and where you’re going, people looking at you like you’re a criminal when you have done absolutely nothing wrong. And finally, being racially profiled, arrested, and killed for a counterfeit bill.

Unfortunately, many believe that the outcome would’ve been the same. But it wouldn’t have. Black Americans are 2.5 times more likely to get arrested than white. It’s a statistical fact. The first step to fixing a problem is admitting there is one. THERE IS A PROBLEM!

Racism isn’t born, it’s made. We need to stop making it! There is ONE race, and it is called THE HUMAN RACE! It disgusts me that people of a different color are still treated differently when the whole reason the U.S. was founded was to have religious freedom.

In my opinion, there needs to be a better disciplinary tactic for policemen, they need to be educated about cultural diversity, they need to have more minorities in every single station, and finally they need to stay humble. *The Stanford prison experiment is a perfect example of how a person put in power can change over time. The experiment had college students play prisoners and jailers, the jailers changed, they became more aggressive as well as authoritative.* Policemen, please get involved in your communities and go recruit minorities who feel they do not have a voice.

I will say it again, I am not black but I understand. I feel frustration, disappointment, anger, rage, and sadness. I stand with you, I support you, I admire you, and I applaud you.

[miraculousmichelle]

Just a bumble bee living his best life…🐝

[miraculousmichelle]

Who you Want vs. Who you Need

Sometimes you want to stay friends with people you have been friends with forever. Someone you feel obligated to, someone you care deeply for. But what if they don’t treat you the same as you treat them? What if you just want them? What if you just can’t admit to yourself that this person is draining you?

I have been told I am “too nice” meaning I do things for other people that they would not do for me. That may be so in some instances but I enjoy helping people, especially people I care about. I will help those who have helped me. I have learned how to say no, to not apologize for refusing to do something that I am unable to do. But how do you know when enough is enough?

If I find myself bending backwards for someone who is not grateful? If I find myself putting more energy into a friendship than that person? If I don’t feel appreciated? If I feel like I am being taken advantage of? If I feel like I am losing my wellness and happiness to keep this person happy? That is when you know, you don’t need them in your life. That is when you know, you may want them in your life but you are much better off without them. You need to put yourself first.

Same can be said about your boyfriend or girlfriend. If you are texting and calling them first, if you are paying for all the meals, if you are giving all the gifts? You need to think of yourself first.

If you need to end a relationship because it is hurting you? There is nothing wrong with that. If you break up with someone because you feel they aren’t contributing to the relationships growth? There isn’t anything wrong with that. If you need to say goodbye to a friend that is taking advantage of you? You didn’t do anything wrong.

In every type of relationship, the most important person is YOU. All that matters is YOUR happiness. YOUR well-being. YOUR health. This is YOUR life, YOU can pick who deserves a spot in it. YOU choose who’s good for you.

You cannot help anyone else if you cannot help yourself. YOU are number one. No one else.

[miraculousmichelle]

Sometimes you just gotta take a minute and enjoy the sun ☀️

[miraculousmichelle]

When I see you again…

Last year, one of my best friends decided to take her life. This is the absolute worst loss I have ever experienced. I’ve lost my father, my grandfather, an aunt, an uncle, but none of those losses could have prepared me for my friend. When I learned of her passing, I burst into tears. I was sad that she was gone, mad that she left me, and upset that she didn’t see herself as worthy. Worthy of a life, of love, of children, of her friends and of her family. I felt like crying until I ran out of tears, I wanted to punch something until my knuckles bled, and I wanted to scream until my lungs gave out.

You may be wondering why I was this upset. You would think that I had no control over her choices, and that I shouldn’t blame myself. Logically you know that, logically you know if someone wanted to take their life they would do it. Logically, you know it’s not your fault, you aren’t the one who tied the noose, set up the chair and helped them get up. Emotionally? It’s on a whole other wavelength. You doubt yourself, you tell yourself that you should’ve talked to them more, or that maybe if you were a better friend this wouldn’t have happened.

It’s difficult to accept, that your best friend felt that alone, sad and hopeless when you had no idea. When you know you might have been able to help. But I have learned long ago, that if you keep asking yourself, “what if…” You will go insane. The definition of insanity is doing the exact same thing but expecting different results. You question things you have no control over, “what if she was still here? What if she survived? What if I texted her? What if I could have stopped her?”

Unfortunately, what’s done is done. No matter how much you wish it away, how many tears you cry, how many bottles you break, how loud you scream, how many times you ask why. Nothing will change what has happened; you shouldn’t concern all of your time and energy on something you have no control over. Take it from me, it’s a rabbit hole you keep falling down in. The deeper you go, the harder it is to get out of it again.

[miraculousmichelle]

Kaylee (left) & Mia (right) ❤️

My puppies were loving that beautiful day. We just lost Mia recently, she was 17 years old. She lived a beautifully long life. Kaylee’s a Jack-a-bea (half Jack Russell, half beagle) and Mia was a pure bred beagle. 🥲

[miraculousmichelle]

Where I’m meant to be

Today when I was outside lounging on my deck, reading a book, I got that feeling. The feeling I’m right where I’m supposed to be. Sometimes I question myself, I’m 26 and everyone else I know that’s my age has relationships, engagements, children, etc. At times I think I am behind, that I should have lost my virginity, I should have gotten engaged, and I should have moved out by this point in my life. But no one else has been in my shoes, taken my path or traveled at my speed.

I’m going to school for my masters degree that I will finish within the next few months. After that, I’ll look for a job. Then, hopefully I’ll earn enough money to move out on my own. But the one thing that I have learned in life? Is that nothing is for certain. Life can throw you a massive curveball that you never saw coming and you need to adjust. You could lose someone you love, wreck your car, or lose a friend which could make the next few steps of your journey difficult but it is still possible to get to where you’re headed. Or it may change your path completely but that’s okay too!

It’s hard to live life with so much uncertainty but I guess that’s why it’s so important to be confident you are where you’re meant to be. If I constantly berated myself about all the things I should have done by now? Then I wouldn’t move at all; I would freeze. It would be like if you were in a race. You’re on the starting line, you start to move but you see everyone passing you. When this happens you stop and stare, thinking where you went wrong, how do you catch up from here, or why this happened to you. Will that help you win the race? Probably not. It will probably distract you, make you trip over a rock you never saw coming because you weren’t focused on yourself. By then, you’re out of the game all together. But, if you focus on the path ahead of you, put your blinders on, and stop comparing yourself to everyone else? You just might win the race.

[miraculousmichelle]

Feel the rainbow... 🌈

[miraculousmichelle]

Happiness

Being happy is a new thing for me. I’ve been through so many hardships, losses and sadness so it’s hard to remember I can be happy. It’s hard to say “I’m proud, not only of who I am but also of what I’ve accomplished.” I have accomplished things that I once thought I never could. I never thought I could have graduated high school or college, I never thought I could buy my own car, I never thought I would have had a boyfriend or an ex-boyfriend, overall? I never even saw myself growing up.

Now, I am so proud of myself. I’m proud of what I’ve learned about who I want in my life and who I don’t, I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished and I’m proud of who I am as a person. Does this sound self-centered? Does it sound like I’m bragging? You know what? I don’t care; I have earned to feel good about myself.

It’s not a bad thing to feel good about what you’ve accomplished. You shouldn’t feel bad about bragging about that good grade you got because you know no one else did as well as you. You shouldn’t feel guilty about getting that job when your friend is still unemployed. YOU earned it, YOU deserve it, YOU need friends that will lift you up instead of look at you with disdain.

It’s important to know what you deserve. It’s important for you to feel proud. It’s important for you to be happy.