midnightinterventions

[midnightinterventions]

time today

my music taste has changed a lot since the last time i wrote in this thing. i stopped listening to most indie music because i can’t relate to it. i find it pandering and boring.

honestly a lot has changed. my hair is blue. i have more tattoos. i’m single and probably asexual or graysexual or whatever. i’m still hanging out with some guy though and am not out yet but am just kissing him for like 2 minutes or less. i dont feel much. i have less friends. i can’t talk about my family life. i’m directing and acting in a film thursday. i enjoy talking to people. i got another job to make more money. i’m content, i think.

i think.

i’m getting that feeling again. the one i had last year. i have been changed in so many aspects but that feeling is creeping in. it started when i got back from disney. it’s just dull. my life feels so grey. i don’t dread things but i don’t look forward to them. it’s like going in slow motion.

but i’m fine. honestly i am. i feel fine but i know i shouldn’t be. i know i’ll look back and see the fog. i’ll see how i was and think “what the fuck was i doing.”

eh maybe not. i don’t know. could just be a weird week. i wanna feel excited or happy again about things, but honestly, i’ve been saying that for months. months. this feeling maybe didn’t ever leave. maybe it just got better for a bit. maybe it’s just getting worse. i don’t know.

it has been frustrating recently. to not feel things. don’t get me wrong, i feel. i feel sadness and anger and frustration. but it’s not strong. it’s like i can feel it inside of me but it’s trapped and wanting to get out. i’ve been crying a lot. at like super random things. today i cried watching snl because i was happy that they had more black cast members. like what the fuck, right? i think it’s that little trapped box inside me just trying to get emotion out. trying to help in weird ways. i’ll take it, i guess. i’ll go through the slow motion.

i keep waiting for events to happen and i wonder that when they do, if i’ll feel better. if i’ll feel relief or just an ounce more of feeling. or will it just be false. will i go out with friends and come home unfulfilled or feel like i’m making process? probably unfulfilled. but it’s worth trying.

at least i try.

[midnightinterventions]

these days

i don’t know why i don’t write in here anymore. i feel like i should. so much has happened; so many things i have tried to ignore and push away because i’m constantly trying to balance my efforts out. i don’t know. i think i have just tried to convince myself that i just have those moments where i’m too sensitive or emotional and i should let it pass. i’m always torn about that. what are my true feelings and why must i worry about what true feelings are? idk

maybe when i’m less stressed i can continue writing in here. i miss writing but my thoughts are so layered and jumbled into such different categories of work and school and friends and mike that it’s too much. i have let myself get to such a point where all i can describe my life as at this point is weird. so weird. and i think it’s because i am constantly struggling with this idea of what is real. if anything about me is real. if what i wanna do is real. if me and mike are real. if my feelings about anything in the world are real. if my suspicions are real. if my intentions are real. everything i surround myself with feels like a simulation. as if i coded something myself to see how i would do in it. and am i doing good? am i succeeding? am i failing? am i just experiencing? or am i just learning?

what is the meaning of this haze i have put myself in? will i ever feel normal again? or is this where my life has decided to be at? i am someone who enjoys digging her way out of situations, someone who helps themselves because it’s hard to get help. so, how do i do that in this situation? how can i save myself from drowning when it’s nearly impossible?

[midnightinterventions]

molecules

Things were pretty comfortable for me, hence why I haven’t even written. I found myself in a comfortable summer atmosphere, with the comfort of friends, work, school, and the comfort or a nice boy. 

Things were... comfortable. I was static. I was, I guess, happy.

Then I found myself on a trip to Philly with my bestfriend to see Hayley Kiyoko, which wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. We got food, got good parking, a good spot in line at the venue, and a pretty great view of the stage; a nice, lucky night. We were surrounded by kindness and an atmosphere Taylor and I loved. We are both bi and being around people we know won’t judge was refreshing.

It was rather odd being there while I was dating a boy, especially since I tried finding a girl for months before Ryan, only to be unsuccessful. So, I almost felt a little excluded and not very genuine with my surroundings. 

But the concert started, and I let that feeling pass; I knew regardless that I was bi and I shouldn’t let my current state regard that fact. I was having a really fun time with Taylor, and then HNLY played- my favorite Hayley song. As I sang along and danced, the girl next to me did the same. We saw each other, turned to one another, and sang and danced with each other. She looked really young- maybe 15 or 16,- and wore a “Why Be Sexist, Homophobic, Or Transphobic When You Can Just Be Quiet?” shirt. And she was fucking cute. And pretty. 

After the song ended I told myself to stop... but she turned to me to ask for my name. Then, she asked my sexuality. Then, she complimented my makeup. I was extremely conflicted due to so many things, but knew I never had to see her after leaving the venue or talk to her again. Luckily, Taylor wanted to leave during the encore due to dehydration, so I turned to the pretty girl (now named Meg) and told her it was nice to meet her. 

I was in the clear. 

We got water and went to go wait outside in an attempt to meet Hayley, as the crowd dispersed from the venue. Taylor pestered me about the girl, slightly mad I didn’t get her number or anything. I argued that I couldn’t for a multitude of reasons (was this girl underaged? would it be cheating? is it morally right?) and wanted to forget about it. But as we discussed, Meg and her friends fled from the inside of the venue, standing only a few feet away from me. 

Taylor got eager, telling me I should try to talk to her. I kept my answers the same and tried not to make eye contact with Meg, but she persisted. Meg came up and asked for my Snapchat and my number. I didn’t have the heart to tell her about the fact I was dating someone, but started with my first initial thought, “How old are you exactly?” 

She got flustered and asked me first. I said I was 20, and she exhaled to say she was 20 too. Great. 

We all waited for Hayley together, getting to know each other. I was completely taken away by her, as the guilt inside me festered. I loved how she talked. Her dumb jokes. How fucking pretty she was. I couldn’t stop staring at her regardless of how much my mind was trying to remain on the fact I was dating a boy. 

I found myself asking to drive her and her friend to the train station once it got past 12. My stomach started to feel queasy as we sat next to each other in the backseat. I felt something different in the atmosphere of the car, almost feeling what was going to happen next. 

But nothing happened, even when we both left the car together and hugged. They walked away, and Taylor grew excited in our loneliness. She continued to ask what just happened, as I was curled in the front seat repeating to myself “fuck” a multitude of times. I wanted to let go of the whole night. I wanted to delete her off of all social media. I wanted to delete her number. I wanted to snuggle with Ryan. I wanted to go back to a normal life. This weird feeling just stayed, and with each “fuck” I attempted to exhale it out. 

Suddenly two girls started walking in my view. Meg and her friend were headed towards the car, and I rolled down my window to see what was wrong. They said they went the wrong way, and before I could say goodbye, Meg came up the car. “Before I forget...”

And she kissed me. 

I can’t even write how that felt. It’s indescribable. Everything I felt in that moment stopped; it just left me. But a new feeling rushed into me that hasn’t left since that night, and nothing feels the same as it was. 

I drove home feeling guilty and unsure of this new feeling. I stopped feeling guilty for Ryan- I felt guilty for Meg. I immediately told her that I was dating someone, and she was understanding. We agreed on just friends and that was that. I could go back to my life and not feel weird again... or so I thought. 

I couldn’t stop thinking or talking to Meg. I didn’t want to. My feelings for Ryan shifted so quickly. I was panicked. Nervous. Unsure what was going on with me. 

And I still don’t really know.... but I know that I like a girl a lot, and my feelings for a boy have vanished. 

In a way, I’m scared. I’ve never felt so unsure about myself. But, in another way, I’m so excited. I feel so much more about myself even if it is confusing. 

Thanks Hayley Kiyoko. 

[midnightinterventions]

shelter

I got advice earlier in the school year to “focus on your friends and love will come after.” I got that advice from a girl in a seriously toxic relationship, but she was right. In the meantime, I was at college, taking classes, learning what people I liked and disliked, and truly focused on myself. In the past 7 months, i truly did follow her advice, and she ended up being sorta right.

I found a really good friend, a friend who I truly felt myself with. Jasmine and I started hanging out almost way too much; we watched movies, discussed television, fangirled over Call Me By Your Name, and truly began a really fantastic friendship. It was nice to start being surrounded by people who were truly like me. 

She invited me to a little get together around the end of March, holding all of her high school friends, her boyfriend, and way too many drugs. I didn’t really expect to meet anyone in such a weird environment, but someone caught my eye. Jasmine introduced me as “the guy who talks like John Mulaney.” A description of that type didn’t offer me what I thought of when I heard that; this kid was cute, like, really cute. He was tall, super muscular, brownish-blonde hair, small blue eyes, and glasses. His clothes matched almost too well and for some reason I appreciated that. He was sweet, trying to include everyone in conversation. I quickly was intrigued by this John Mulaney boy. 

But, the environment was too weird for me to even try, so I simply just stayed to myself and didn’t bother. Regardless of how different I felt these people were to me, wow, did they play some good music. I was able to discuss my lame music taste with Jasmine’s sister, quickly mentioning Porter. Of course, as soon as I mentioned his name, John Mulaney kid shot his head towards me, showing interest. He got excited and said he would put a song on the queue. I sorta died. 

The song never played, he left, and I left with Jasmine and her sister soon after. It wasn’t a lost cause, especially since I mentioned him as soon I as I entered the car. They both seemed excited for me, knowing that he probably had a little crush on me, too. I appreciated the thought and the idea, but I knew myself. It was just a crush and I would get over it. But my new friend Jasmine was way too eager- and I respect that immensely. 

A month later, and me and John Mulaney kid- also known Ryan- are officially starting to hangout. And text. And talk. 

This is a big deal to me, clearly since I’m writing it, but it’s a big deal because I haven’t felt this way in five years. The past five years I was in a horrifying, toxic relationship that dimmed who I was. In building myself up, officially breaking ties with poisonous situations, and just finally knowing who I am led me to being able to finally like someone else. Ryan is too much. I know this is so fresh and new, but I can actually see that he cares for me. I can see the way he looks at me and talks to me. The way he says things and the way he laughs. I never saw that with my ex. I never felt the way I do with Ryan. 

I’m waking myself up to start the day early, getting butterflies in my stomach every time his name pops on my phone, and I tear up thinking about how he gives me forehead kisses and waits for me to get inside my house. All these little things just mean too much to me, because I never got this simplicity with my ex. I always thought that was the best I was going to get. I was never going to be happy with someone else or be able to gain these feelings for someone else. it feels surreal, it feels right. 

It hurts knowing I never thought I would do better and didn’t realize my worth, My ex was a huge part of my life because he made me this person, and I was able to teach myself through his toxicity who I can become. Now, I get to be a better version of myself with someone I don’t have to try and change for, or look to change. I can just be me. I can just be okay. 

[midnightinterventions]

for the future: an objective

While I tend to use the theories mentioned in my writings now, I will continuously use them in my future. I want to imagine myself in a work environment where these theories will be used on a daily basis due to writing about films, television, and music. Regardless, even if I find myself not writing about them, I hope that they will be involved in my personal ethics. I don’t want to find myself in a situation where I’m questioning my motives or work ethic, and want to keep these theories in mind so I know what I am doing in the workplace follows what I believe is right.

These theories have constantly helped me to stay humble and keep an open eye towards the many texts I encounter. I find myself analyzing everything I read or listen to as a way to keep myself aware of my surroundings. I hope this mindset continuously follows me as I pursue my career and begin to narrow down what I truly want to do.

Being able to analyze texts and learn so much about different theories has truly narrowed down this choice for me, and I hope to  find myself in a comfortable situation in the workplace. I want to be able to keep these theories alive in texts I create, and use my knowledge on them to convince others to also look at the world the way I do now. As stated, even if I don’t pursue writing, I still wish to see myself using these theories to still better myself.

There is this constant importance to inspire others, and I will continue to do that in my future. With the help of these theories, I will continue to preserve my main goal of helping and influencing readers, aspiring them to also follow my lead in analyzing and using theories to become criticizers. Being a criticizer, for me, is so important being in the media world and I feel that as being one myself, I must also contribute to help others be one, too.

I also hope that this blog never really dies, especially even if I find myself at a job that doesn’t pertain to my needs exactly. Analyzing and writing about texts will always be this constant for me, and this blog provides this need for myself and the others reading. Regardless of even writing in here, every single thing I will watch in my future or listen to will always be analyzed regardless. The theories I have learned have only stuck with me more and more as media prospers. There is never going to be a time where Althusser doesn’t pop up while watching an ad on Facebook, or erotic analysis won’t have a part in listening to my favorite song.

Overall, there is nothing more I want than for these theories to stay alive, and even in just simply writing this post I hope I can inspire, motivate myself to keep writing, and keep an open mind for my future.

[midnightinterventions]

identifying the problematic

Another theorist who I constantly love to use is Althusser. After learning about him, I find myself always analyzing the simplest of things, and honestly, I can’t enjoy anything anymore. I recently wrote about 15 Million Merits, the Black Mirror episode, and this theory was a big influence in writing it.

Althusser shares a fantastic theory known as ‘identifying the problematic,’ which is a simple process used to explain what a text is responding to. It starts with doing a symptomatic reading to uncover the problematic, which first begins by analyzing the manifest and latent text. The manifest text is simply the words written or the pictures shown. For instance, this can be a Dove commercial or a poster advertising a concert. The latent text is what truly responds to the problematic; it is the subtext, the underlying message that the text wants to get through. These steps reveal what the problematic is, which is usual a larger problem within a culture. This could be something like toxic masculinity, inequality of minorities, racism, etc.

Every single thing we see on television or in the movies or listen to on the radio can go through a process like this. This theory of ‘identifying the problematic’ emphasizes how every single thing we indulge in has a hidden meaning or something it wants to get across. Digging and finding that meaning helps us to see the world a bit more clearer, and makes us see how scary it could be.

This theory inspires me everyday to really see everything more clearly. For instance, I recently rewatched Bo Burnham’s Make Happy, which was always a laid-back, funny comedy I enjoyed watching. But, I began to apply the theory and ended up feeling disturbed. The entire show was about the horrors of performing, and the anxiety Bo feels when putting on this show. It made me realize how many more texts I looked over and didn’t realize their true meaning.

Ever since, I constantly used this theory to learn more about the texts I digest every single day, and have wrote more because of them. This theory inspires me to also reach out to my readers and encourage them to get into a habit of analyzing, for it makes a person learn more and really understand the world better- even if it is quite nerve-wracking.

[midnightinterventions]

erotic analysis

There have been a large amount of theorists and theories that have influenced me in my writings. One of these theories is found in mostly all of my writings and it is known as ‘erotic analysis.’ As intriguing as the name sounds, it actually has a lot to do with the idea of pleasure- and not the pleasure that is coordinated with the term of ‘erotic.’ Roland Barthes, a theorist regarding this theory, puts pleasure into two definitions: plaisir and jouissance.

Plaisir is this particular type of pleasure one seeks when looking at different medias. For instance, each of us sticks with a specific type of genre. We only receive a real, genuine pleasure if it is something we actually like; one isn’t going to get the same feeling if they listen to alternative rock rather than their usual taste of country music.

Jouissance describes how people interpret specific texts for their own personal pleasure, which is something I tend to do with my writings.This is taking a text and applying it to your own personal meaning; it can be done with songs, an article, movies, television, etc.

Stuart Hall, another ‘erotic analysis’ theorist, explains the jouissance a little more in detail. He goes into the idea of intertextuality which is the process of encoding and decoding the message. Encoding is the initial message to the audience, and decoding is the received message. In the middle of this process comes the polysemy meaning, which is the interpretation made from the encoding.

While there is so much more to this specific theory, the idea of encoding and decoding is what inspires me the most. For me, it’s this constant repetition that comes with it. For example, a show encodes a message to me. I decode the message and create a polysemy meaning. Through that, I end up describing that meaning through one of my writings, then, that message is again going through the process of encoding and decoding to one of my writers.

This idea simply influences me because it encourages me to keep doing what I’m doing. It gives me the chance to explain to the readers my personal thoughts on a text and allows for them to do the same thing. I use this theory in my everyday life with the songs I listen to and the shows I constantly watch, and hope to make others fall into that pattern, also.

[midnightinterventions]

15 million merits

I absolutely adore Black Mirror and it’s ability to tackle very hard-to-swallow, futuristic topics. Rewatching specific episodes is always a hobby for me; San Junipero, Hated in the Nation, White Christmas are just some I tend to dabble in again and again. There’s always episodes I tend to find boring or not too conceptual for me. They lack that ‘Black Mirror’ style that everyone craves. 15 Million Merits was one of these episodes for me. I watched it once, didn’t take too much from it, and never bothered to rewatch it. 

Until tonight, that is. 

I was watching Get Out, admiring Daniel Kaluuya, and realized he was in the Black Mirror episode. It also dawned on me that my friend said 15 Million Merits was one of his favorites and that the ideas from it based after taking theory. Theory has been my favorite class I’ve ever taken, so far, and learning about Marxism, Althusser, The Frankfurt School.... ugh. It has been so inspiring, haunting and has shifted my views on every single thing I do and watch. So, with all these thoughts in mind, I decided to rewatch tonight- and here is my very long analysis. 

The episode revolves around Bing. Bing is seen having this very specific schedule. It begins with him waking up in a technic simulation box filled with animation and advertisements. He controls these with hand motions, and if he doesn’t want to see the content being offered, he must pay merits. Everything Bing does requires merits. He wants more toothpaste for brushing his teeth? Merits. He wants to watch porn? Merits. He wants to change his little virtual character’s outfits? Merits. There merits are received by having to bike, which is basically Bing’s entire day, besides sleeping or eating. 

In the few scenes we see Bing following his cycle, it is obvious to see the point of the biking, advertisements, and content available. The biking for merits forces the consumers to get more fit, and the content shown promotes the fitness even more. When biking or even just sitting in the sleeping quarter simulation, the content is always porn, showing the harrasment and bullying of  overweight contestants in a game show, choosing to edit your virtual character, or a talent show that gets you ‘famous.’

This content is continuously fed to these bikers to motivate them- motivate them to get fit, make more merits, use these merits to become famous like these ‘fit’ porn stars or famous ‘fit’ singers. All of it is a continuous, capitalistic, cycle of manipulation. This forces these consumers to continuously know nothing else but this content given. The advertisements never stop, either; the bikers are forced over and over again to watch the content or risk losing merits. They have nothing else they can pursue besides following this content, getting ‘rich,’ and hoping they end up somewhere else if they try and try. 

Bing’s cycle is suddenly interrupted when he meets Abi. Abi is a new biker on his floor, who happens to be stunning and an amazing singer. Caught off guard by something new and real, he pursues her. Considering they don’t have much to talk about, he immediately brings up the fact she should sign up for Hot Shot- the talent show. He offers to give her the 15 million merits needed to sign up. 

It’s obvious as soon as she gets into the waiting room that she was the eye of the workers. The room is packed with people waiting for their time to shine, but just because she is more fit and has a pretty face, she immediately is brought to the stage. Bing stands on the sidelines, excited to see something new and something outside of his cycle- but he is immediately let down. 

She gets to sing to the panel of three judges, but they don’t care about it at all. They comment on her figure, her beautiful face, and ask her to be a porn star. As this happens, the audience of ‘virtual’ people watching from their bed space cheer. She is caught-off guard, scared, and unsure of what to say. The judges press her about how this is the content people want to see- they want to see her, they refer to the cheering, the fame she will get. She can’t help but say yes, because this is what everyone dreams about, this is the only thing that has taught her it will set her free. 

Bing begins to plan. Fed up with how the system works, he works for the 15 million merits to get on Hot Shot himself. We see him freak out at one point, unable to skip the content of Abi in his room, and break the screens. This leads to him finding a glass shard- something that is obvious will be used when he enters Hot Shot. After months of training in the vicious cycle, he finally is able to get on. 

He begins his performance by dancing. It’s this silly, dumb distraction he plans because he knows that the people watching don’t give a shit what he does- he is merely just there for the entertainment. As he finishes, he pulls out his glass shard and places it on his neck; he threatens to kill himself if he doesn’t get to say anything. 

It’s important to note, the judges don’t react. They watch him speak in an audience matter, they don’t freak out or get nervous, and they patiently view his speech. Bing’s speech is emotional, messy, nerve-wracking. Side note, Daniel’s acting is absolutely beautiful. He stutters, gasps for air, and let’s every emotion just collapse into this scene. The entire Bing speech is stunning and raw. I would get the entire transcript, but I’ll quote only a few line: 

“Yeah, stick a fat man up a pole and we’ll laugh ourselves feral cause we’ve earned the right, we’ve done cell time and he’s slacking the scum so ha ha ha at him. Cause we’re so out of our minds with desperation we don’t know any better. All we know is fake fodder and buying shit. That’s how we speak to each other, how we express ourselves is buying shit. I have a dream? The peak of our dreams is a new hat for our doppel [the virtual character], a hat that doesn’t exist. It’s not even there, we buy shit that’s not even there.”

Bing puts it perfectly; he emphasizes the entire cultural industry he is placed in. He describes how fake the world he is in, calls it out and highlights how it is nothing, and how it is the only thing that every single viewer knows of. 

The ending is only even more frustrating, but so damn true that is physically hurts. The judges and audience begin to clap, they admire his bravery and truth. Without the blink of an eye, they ask him if he wants to have his own show, and the audience applauds in agreement. Everything and anything in that small little space of working out, buying fake crap, or earning merit after merit falls into this sick, sick industry. The authentic culture- a dance, a song, a speech- is taken by these capitalistic hogs and turned into entertainment. There is nothing that could be real. Nothing that can thrive in a culture that is considered new. Bing is only swallowed by it, even if he tried to do something he’s always wanted to. 

Bing ends up signing up for his own show, where he talks twice a week to the consumers who ride on bikes or watch porn. He talks about the same things he talked about on Hot Shot, but it is never taken to heart by any of the audience members. They are brainwashed enough to just believe it is entertainment. 

The last scene shows Bing in his new room, which is supposed luxury. He pours himself merit-free orange juice, and looks out the window- a window that only views a virtual forest, birds, and sky. He is not actually free, and he will never be free. 

The entire episode is so much to take in, and this is only a few thoughts I have. I swear once you read this, please go watch. Analyze and take in the absolute horror of it. The comparisons it makes to everything in the real world is seriously haunting. It left me which such a disgusting feeing, but it’s a feeling I believe everyone needs to feel to understand the reality of culture and society. 

[midnightinterventions]

objectives

I’ve always known I’ve wanted to be in the media world as soon as I first stepped foot into z100′s Elvis Duran and the Morning Show. Being able to view the behind-the-scenes work, discuss pop culture and music with the hosts, and even meet the artists that were being interviewed made me feel at home. It was everything I wanted, everything I needed to be fulfilled. At the time, I was only eighteen. My personal goals have altered with everything I learn in my everyday life. I have now realized how much I really only want to discuss media and analyze it. While that is a superior goal of mine, I also know that just being in the field of movies, television, or music will also make me feel happy. For now, I will continue to be this constant over-thinker and write to my heart’s content about the many things that make up my mind- especially with the help of the media that inspires me endlessly.

In writing, examining and discussing texts, and certainly with this blog, I hope to achieve many things for myself and for my future. While this is a personal place for me to express myself and how I feel about specific things, I also want to reach out to the people reading. I want them to learn, to feel, to understand, and to be inspired like I am everyday.

There is a beauty in being able to put your thoughts into words and using the many things around you to do that. With music, television, movies, and all sorts of media, I am able to do this. Sometimes you get so caught up in your own personal agendas or stresses that you need something to help you escape. The texts we read, watch, or listen everyday provide this specific type of paradise. Exploring a new world helps us to either take a break from life and indulge something unique or different, but can also help us to even view a situation in a new perspective. Media is an amazing thing, and can also help us to learn and prosper within ourselves and our surrounding environment.

I hope in discussing these many things with my readers, they can also learn how to navigate these different medias, learn how they can help, but also learn how they can be analyzed. There is so much complexity in the television shows we watch or the music we listen to. They can help you relax, relate, and especially escape. With my writings, I hope to influence others to take on this hobby of not just enjoying their favorite movie- I want them to see how it can inspire, how it can create, how it can grow. Every post I have has a song title, television episode title, or a movie title. Everything I have written was once inspired by something I watched. I have grown into the person I have become by the stories these texts provide, and I hope a reader can also begin to see the world of media the way I do.

This thought process also continuously inspires me to look toward my future, as stated. I hope in this practice that I have started, I will only better myself and pinpoint where I truly want to be in the future. I will continue to write and discuss what I want, but hope that it will lead me to something I can do for the rest of my life.

[midnightinterventions]

expectations

I was 18 when my boyfriend at the time thought I liked girls. Apparently, I talked way too much about this celebrity I had a huge crush on. I thought it was just a crush, but he always thought it was something more. I always thought it was just one of those annoying guy kinks and he just wanted me to like girls so badly, but since I liked him, I started to believe him. 

I started telling people I was bi, and me and my boyfriend ended so I can explore this new side of me. Part of me knew I wasn’t bi, but another part of me was really unsure what my sexuality was. I didn’t feel like I was straight, and there were always things about me that pointed me in a different direction. I didn’t know and it began to really bother me. 

I still remained open-minded, going through way too many labels, and frustrating myself. Continuously going back and forth to my ex also wasn’t helping. I remained confused for around a year, and then I met Danielle. 

I met Danielle through my bestfriend Taylor when we went into the city to stay at a hotel for the night. I had points at some hotel, so we decided to stay there, and Danielle joined because, well, it was free. As soon as I saw Danielle on Taylor’s Snapchat, I immediately knew something was up with her. She was blonde, cute, and really damn pretty. After finding her Twitter, seeing she was a cancer with a moon tattoo like me, I knew I was screwed. 

I was screwed because shit, she was my type. She was perfect. But I just wasn’t ready to figure out if I was the person I thought I was. If anything, I was nervous I wasn’t that person. I was too scared of myself and of her and I just couldn’t actually go through with it. We talked for maybe five days before I cut her off, with no explanation. I regret it so much, even though I do tell myself that besides zodiac signs and tattoos, we really didn’t have anything in common. But, I wasn’t ready and at the time, I didn’t think I was bi. I stayed this way for a while... and then Russell came around. 

Russell was the average fuckboy. The “come over, we don’t have to do anything but cuddle” fuckboy. I was new to college, I wanted to meet new people, and Russell just turned out to be one of those people. I don’t know why I went over there that night. I think I was tired of trying to figure out myself on my own. I haven’t been with anyone but my ex that year and I knew if I didn’t try getting with anyone else, I wouldn’t know what the hell I was. So, I found myself walking all the way to campus to “watch movies and cuddle” with Russell at 11pm. 

I knew as soon as I kissed him that I was not into him or it at all. All we did was kiss, and I just made him drive me home at 2am. I came back to my dorm distraught, annoyed, and told my roommate that I was definitely not just into guys- all I wanted was a girl that night. I apologize Russell, I really wasn’t into you, but you definitely helped me to figure out myself. 

I remained single, lonely, and Tinder-drawn for about 3 more months, and then I met her.

But, I am now realizing the others aren’t happy with me. I never hated myself for thinking I was gay, and I never dealt with anyone judging me on my journey. Ever since Russell and realizing my sexuality, I started to hear more biphobia than ever. “You can’t like both guys and girls,””Wait, but would you actually date a girl?””Oh, all girls are like bi though, we have crushes on girls all the times,””But do you really think guys can be bi? LIke, if they like guys, they like guys; that’s it.”

It just... bothers me. It doesn’t even upset me or hurt who I am, but it just frustrates me to hear people still thinking like that in 2018 at a really liberal school. From what I’ve learned around me is that all girls are bi and ‘experimenting,’and men can’t be bi because it would automatically make them stictly gay. I sit hear typing this realizing that bisexuality is not validated and not taken seriously, making me realize that I might not be taken seriously, ever. I know this isn’t new to many people in the LBGT community, but as someone who just figured out themselves, it’s harsh.

I have always been open with who I am, and now I begin to feel scared. I begin to feel annoyed. I begin to feel invalidated. But then I remember, fuck these people. There is no reason I have to explain myself to anyone. There is no reason I have to feel bad about myself for who I am. I’m bi and have been happy in saying that for months, and there’s no reason a few people’s comments should phase me. It’s 20gayteen. It’s the year we take over. We will continue to take over. With Moonlight, Call Me By Your Name, Love, Simon, Hayley Kiyoko, Declan Mckenna, Halsey, we are just getting started. Our culture is reaching the popular culture. It is going to grow, prosper, and become normalized. Nothing is going to stop this. 

:)

[midnightinterventions]

beings

I’m listening to my mom laugh right now. She’s sober, she’s with my sister, she’s texting me why they are laughing, and I’m sitting here laughing, too. 

I laughed a lot today. I hung out with my family for Easter, saw my cousins, and all we did was laugh. I laughed so much I almost peed myself. I laughed so hard I needed to cough. I laughed so hard that the heartburn I got from dinner didn’t affect me. I was in an absolute bliss. I was happy. 

I’ve been happy for a while. I know that I have so many things in my life going on, and there are so many situations in this world that bring me down, but for the first time in the longest time, I can say I’m happy with almost no explanation. 

I finally feel like I have control of myself, which helps me to control everything around me. I have realized how to deal with the situations that are out of my control, making me feel almost nothing towards them anymore. Aside from that, I feel like I know myself. I feel like I’m comfortable with myself, and actually like myself. I’m comfortable with who I am and what choices I have made to get to this goal. I cut people off, I’ve told people how I really feel, I have set boundaries, I surround myself with people who make me feel okay for who I am or what I believe, and I don’t let anything phase me. I.. never thought I would be okay with this. I never thought I would feel this much fulfilled. But, after Hawaii, after meeting Jasmine and Alex, after taking classes that speak to me, after fighting for years, ending with Vin, changing roommates, not letting my parents get to me, seeing how much people care for me, seeing how lovable my friends are- I can say I wanna live. I wanna keep living. I am happy. I feel somewhat fulfilled. I’m okay. 

Maybe it’s just a passing thing. Maybe I’m jinxing myself in writing this. But, it’s nice to say things like this. It’s nice to not feeling like I’m overthinking. It’s nice to not feel nervous or scared or like things are gonna keep going in a downward spiral. I just hope I’m not wrong. I hope this mindset I have won’t collapse. Now, I need to learn how to do that. What I definitely know is, what I need is always hiding in myself. All I have to do is find the key to unlock it, and I know I will always find that key no matter how hard the journey is. 

[midnightinterventions]

better

So much has been going on to the point where I can’t even write about it. It’s all so complex and each issue or event is so different from the next that I can’t even compare them. It’s frustrating not being able to write about them or describe them but there’s a sense of peace that comes with that thought. 

It means I’m not as overwhelmed as I think I am about the events that are happening in my life. It means that I’m finding healthier outs to my issues. It doesn’t mean that writing isn’t going to me a sort of therapy for me going forward, but it means that I might actually be getting.. better. 

Better doesn’t mean that I’m officially ‘cured’ from all the shit I’m going through, but it means that I’m learning to handle it better than how I ever did. To put this into the easiest of terms, I found someone I can actually talk to about everything to. Someone who is always going to be there, not an ex-boyfriend or a bestfriend or a therapist, even. It’s someone I can trust and understand what I’m going through and wants to help me with every problem in my life. 

I visited this person over the weekend and I swear I came back just feeling better about everything in my life. It was the biggest sign that I was actually gonna be fucking okay, that I’m not alone. I’ve never felt a true relief or a true change in the way things are. I never thought I would be able to control these uncontrollable situations I have in my life, but I learned how. 

And now I’m here so calm that it worries me. I feel my decisions and life just being so hastily dealt with. I feel like I’m moving on with my life so much faster than I ever did, and shit it’s just weird. It’s so weird and not overwhelming and if I’m feeling anything true right now, it’s just confusion. But I’m not sad or numb, and I know I’m actually closer to happy. Maybe I’m just confusing confusion for happiness. That sounds about right, actually.  

[midnightinterventions]

A little update: Alot is going on in my life right now that is super overwhelming and a bit stressful. Usually during these times it’s easy for me to write but since it’s so much at once, it’s very difficult. I’ll try to write but for right now it’s easier for me to just be busy and focus on specific things right now, one of them not pertaining to writing. I’ll try to get my thoughts out eventually but it is hard right now. 

[midnightinterventions]

hannah

It’s so weird to finally get the sense of moving on. I never thought I would actually feel this in my soul, lose an emotion and rush I never thought would go away. It’s not easy to write about because this is all so new to me. It feels so new and fresh and it’s so weird to interpret. But I know that I feel something new for someone else even if it is the slightest of things. One connection can give such a new insight, and give so much fucking change you’ve waited for for so long.

This kid from high school randomly texted me while I was headed back home from college. We ended up conversing alot and he invited me to his New Year’s party. He also managed to mention him and his girlfriend broke up, giving me the idea that he wanted to get with me. I got with this kid before him and his girlfriend were a thing during high school, so I definitely was comfortable with the idea. We talked more and more, and I found myself really enjoying his texts and felt pretty happy. 

His party ended up getting cancelled and I figured since that wasn’t happening, me and him were never gonna happen. During the time of his cancelled party, I was hanging with my ex again. From my last post, it was obvious I felt like my feelings were really coming back strong. I knew relapses were gonna happen often with Vin in my life and I knew if we were going to hang out I was going to end up getting back together with him, so I was pretty conflicted and upset with myself. But, a couple days after New Years, the other kid decided to text me and wish me a happy new year. We talked more, and quickly asked to hangout. 

Hanging out with him was the freshest breath of air I ever received. There was no awkwardness, no silence, no pauses, or no weird encounters or talks. We laughed the whole time and discussed dumb inside jokes and memories from high school. We played Mario Kart and he let me play Super Mario Sunshine and listened to the Sonic soundtrack. It was just.. fun. It was comfortable. 

I haven’t been able to feel like that in almost five years. I never experienced being so comfortable or connected with someone other than my ex, hence going back to him to be friends. I went home feeling so hopeful, so happy. I might’ve caught myself having feelings for him but I didn’t even care. The fact I was able to have feeling for someone else other than my ex was a relief. 

We hung out another night before he went on vacation and I’m still on this weird high. I don’t like him or really want anything to happen between us, but I’m just thankful that I was able to feel like I don’t like my ex anymore. I finally feel like I’m on this road to moving on. I’m on this road to feeling like I can.. feel again with someone else, with even just myself. I don’t feel the need to depend on him. 

Every song I had connected to him doesn’t feel the same, my memories feel bland and dried out. I am finally ready to meet more people and not compare them to Vin, or think ‘what if.’ It’s just such a strange feeling, it’s something I thought would never really happen. I always thought he would be carried with me throughout my entire life and I feel that, at the start of 2018, that actually might not be true. I can actually live my life without him. Shit. 

[midnightinterventions]

hey you got drugs?

I always attempt to keep my feelings very closed off from the world. I have always been known to be too sensitive or feel too much when I allow myself to let the emotions flow, and it just leaves me feeling out of control. I hate feeling depressed or anxious and just feeling like I’m not me, so I usually will just hope the feelings I feel pass and that it’s just a hormone thing, to be honest. 

But then, I screwed up. Bad. Feelings wise. I hate myself so much for it so I’m just sitting here all day just trying not to cry because crying makes me feel weak and makes me feel like I’m a dumb teenager again but Jesus when I feel so much I can’t even help it. One thing triggers another and then I’m stuck sulking about everything that even affects me just a little bit. 

I just… it’s always him. It always has to be him that triggers my emotions just the slightest and I end up just clenching my fists and whispering under my breath, “damnit,” and just trying not to let the dam of emotions break all over the place. 

I tried so hard to not let myself get this way again because I knew it was coming when I contacted him. I would be waiting for the signs and the text messages and just everything that comes with us being “just friends.” The past couple days being home I was waiting to just hang out with him and by coincidence we were at the mall at the same time and we talked about seeing a movie earlier that day so we went to a stupid 10:45pm movie that was stupidly two and a half hours long. It was a movie I hated and I went anyway cause he said no one else wanted to go and the little weakness in me was like ‘haha YEa I’ll go with you’ and so we went and I liked the stupid movie even thought I hate action movies and then when we got outside the moon looked really pretty and I wanted to cry and damnit he played my dumb CDs I made him months ago on the ride home and we sat their in the uttermost comfortable silence and La Lune came on and he didn’t even change it until the last second and I just wanted to die right there because I knew how screwed I was I knew it was a good day and I knew a good day means my dumb guarded wall was gonna collapse and I was going to let all of these dumb feelings get to my head and here I am just feeling so powerless and sad and just….. ugh. 

A good day quickly turns to a bad day when all my emotions just finally show up and start poking at me with stupidness and I want to blame my birth control for not working but I know it’s working just fine and I want to blame the Cancer in me or just anything that doesn’t make me face the fact that it’s me. And it’s a me in love. A me that just wants to hold my stupid ex’s hand and cuddle with him and listen to music and just get what I want so I can stop fucking crying and letting every little comment or thing get to me because I’m so damn vulnerable. 

I hate and love this because I finally don’t feel like my reality is a lie. I feel so much. I feel happy and sad and mad and just full on emotional and sensitive and it’s amazing but awful at the same time. He’s the only one who makes me feel so much like myself but not myself at the same time. He makes me laugh the loudest but cry the hardest. I just never feel so much until he’s in my life and everything feels right but it shouldn’t and I’m just stuck writing in a dumb blog until I can figure out how to get control again. 

[midnightinterventions]

fresh static snow

I’ve suddenly gotten very obsessed with this song by Porter, and I felt the need to write about it. It’s about wondering and missing a person you hope to one day meet- your soulmate. The lyrics speak of caring for that person and hoping they’re okay and wondering if they’re thinking the same thing. But the sad element comes from the truth of this scenario- what if you never actually meet that person?

I wonder about love alot, probably because it is something that has been so nonexistent from my life in the past few months. I want to say it’s my choice because i choose to not give people chances or don’t really go out of my way to meet someone or get their number, but truthfully I think I’m just waiting for that type of person to finally come around. In listening to this song, it just makes me feel that someone else is out there just doing the same thing I’m doing but it is probably just wishful thinking. 

I’ve kinda been in this weird place where human connection is something I want but don’t want at the same time. I’ll go out some days, think I’m gonna have fun and meet people, and when the time comes I just feel like I would’ve had a more fulfilling time sitting at home watching the Shelter Tour on YouTube for the fiftieth time. Usually, I’m correct but I think everyone feels like they are gonna miss out on important opportunities if they don’t at least try.

I always feel like I should be going out and trying to meet people and trying to make friends and trying to hook up with people but there’s this huge part of me that knows I really don’t want that. It annoys me to such a point because it doesn’t feel.. normal. I feel extremely lost and I don’t know if it’s my questioning sexuality or the people I hang out with or the people I’m meeting, or if there’s anyone to really blame. But I know lately that maybe trying and wishing and all of this hopelessness is fucking exhausting. 

This weekend I went home and was able to stay up for hours in my own room and own bed and download music and just get lost in YouTube videos and Genius lyrics for hours. That made me feel a little more fulfilled than anything I really did in the past week. Yes, I like hanging out with friends and playing dumb games and drinking now and then, but being alone and getting so deep into music and TV shows and art is just so fulfilling to me. 

I guess sometimes I just wish I had someone else to talk about all this too. It’s why I became friends with my ex again. It’s why I just endlessly write on Twitter and here and on social media about my likes. It’s why I will play my music so loud through my headphones in class. I just hope one day that person I’m waiting for will just tap me on the shoulder and say, “Hey, you listening to Sad Machine?” And then we can go to the stupid coffee place on campus and order the same stupid coffee and laugh about it and giggle with tears in our eyes because we finally found that one thing we’ve been looking for and we don’t have to worry anymore or write endlessly on a stupid websites or waste time on an ex-boyfriend or dumb parties or talks that are meaningless. 

Just weeks and months and years of trying becomes so tiring. It doesn’t make me want to give up, but it makes me want to stop looking. I’m so much happier in front of a computer writing and listening to Madeon and just do fucking nothing. It’s so much easier than trying to find connection outside in the real world when it’s the same thing over again. I always lay in bed at night after a day of nothing and dream of dumb human connection and cuddling and laughing and discussing music and sometimes it hits me that I might never find that person. I might never feel that fulfilled by someone. And that makes me sad; it’s just like Fresh Static Snow. 

But something I tell myself alot when I am happy just hanging with good friends or being at home with my sister or sitting alone doing nothing is that I don’t need human connection as much as I think I do. There are days that I don’t overthink myself and my choices and lie in happiness, but I’m gonna have those frustrating days like today where I wish someone would fucking text me and just discuss the Shelter Tour with me. 

And I don’t think these days are ever gonna get easier. 

[midnightinterventions]

I’m in such a difficult place where I seriously can’t write and have SUCHHHH writer’s block. Also have been writing a shit ton of essays for finals so that’s been draining me out of writing soooo much. I mean my essays have been good, I got an 100 on one which is sick, but I wish I was in the mood to write more on this blog!!! Stay tuned, I guess, cause something is ought to give me ideas for writing eventually.