#catch me at pride with a 20gayteen flag bitches

[midnightinterventions]

expectations

I was 18 when my boyfriend at the time thought I liked girls. Apparently, I talked way too much about this celebrity I had a huge crush on. I thought it was just a crush, but he always thought it was something more. I always thought it was just one of those annoying guy kinks and he just wanted me to like girls so badly, but since I liked him, I started to believe him. 

I started telling people I was bi, and me and my boyfriend ended so I can explore this new side of me. Part of me knew I wasn’t bi, but another part of me was really unsure what my sexuality was. I didn’t feel like I was straight, and there were always things about me that pointed me in a different direction. I didn’t know and it began to really bother me. 

I still remained open-minded, going through way too many labels, and frustrating myself. Continuously going back and forth to my ex also wasn’t helping. I remained confused for around a year, and then I met Danielle. 

I met Danielle through my bestfriend Taylor when we went into the city to stay at a hotel for the night. I had points at some hotel, so we decided to stay there, and Danielle joined because, well, it was free. As soon as I saw Danielle on Taylor’s Snapchat, I immediately knew something was up with her. She was blonde, cute, and really damn pretty. After finding her Twitter, seeing she was a cancer with a moon tattoo like me, I knew I was screwed. 

I was screwed because shit, she was my type. She was perfect. But I just wasn’t ready to figure out if I was the person I thought I was. If anything, I was nervous I wasn’t that person. I was too scared of myself and of her and I just couldn’t actually go through with it. We talked for maybe five days before I cut her off, with no explanation. I regret it so much, even though I do tell myself that besides zodiac signs and tattoos, we really didn’t have anything in common. But, I wasn’t ready and at the time, I didn’t think I was bi. I stayed this way for a while... and then Russell came around. 

Russell was the average fuckboy. The “come over, we don’t have to do anything but cuddle” fuckboy. I was new to college, I wanted to meet new people, and Russell just turned out to be one of those people. I don’t know why I went over there that night. I think I was tired of trying to figure out myself on my own. I haven’t been with anyone but my ex that year and I knew if I didn’t try getting with anyone else, I wouldn’t know what the hell I was. So, I found myself walking all the way to campus to “watch movies and cuddle” with Russell at 11pm. 

I knew as soon as I kissed him that I was not into him or it at all. All we did was kiss, and I just made him drive me home at 2am. I came back to my dorm distraught, annoyed, and told my roommate that I was definitely not just into guys- all I wanted was a girl that night. I apologize Russell, I really wasn’t into you, but you definitely helped me to figure out myself. 

I remained single, lonely, and Tinder-drawn for about 3 more months, and then I met her.

But, I am now realizing the others aren’t happy with me. I never hated myself for thinking I was gay, and I never dealt with anyone judging me on my journey. Ever since Russell and realizing my sexuality, I started to hear more biphobia than ever. “You can’t like both guys and girls,””Wait, but would you actually date a girl?””Oh, all girls are like bi though, we have crushes on girls all the times,””But do you really think guys can be bi? LIke, if they like guys, they like guys; that’s it.”

It just... bothers me. It doesn’t even upset me or hurt who I am, but it just frustrates me to hear people still thinking like that in 2018 at a really liberal school. From what I’ve learned around me is that all girls are bi and ‘experimenting,’and men can’t be bi because it would automatically make them stictly gay. I sit hear typing this realizing that bisexuality is not validated and not taken seriously, making me realize that I might not be taken seriously, ever. I know this isn’t new to many people in the LBGT community, but as someone who just figured out themselves, it’s harsh.

I have always been open with who I am, and now I begin to feel scared. I begin to feel annoyed. I begin to feel invalidated. But then I remember, fuck these people. There is no reason I have to explain myself to anyone. There is no reason I have to feel bad about myself for who I am. I’m bi and have been happy in saying that for months, and there’s no reason a few people’s comments should phase me. It’s 20gayteen. It’s the year we take over. We will continue to take over. With Moonlight, Call Me By Your Name, Love, Simon, Hayley Kiyoko, Declan Mckenna, Halsey, we are just getting started. Our culture is reaching the popular culture. It is going to grow, prosper, and become normalized. Nothing is going to stop this. 

:)