#fuck u if ur in a relationshp

[midnightinterventions]

fresh static snow

I’ve suddenly gotten very obsessed with this song by Porter, and I felt the need to write about it. It’s about wondering and missing a person you hope to one day meet- your soulmate. The lyrics speak of caring for that person and hoping they’re okay and wondering if they’re thinking the same thing. But the sad element comes from the truth of this scenario- what if you never actually meet that person?

I wonder about love alot, probably because it is something that has been so nonexistent from my life in the past few months. I want to say it’s my choice because i choose to not give people chances or don’t really go out of my way to meet someone or get their number, but truthfully I think I’m just waiting for that type of person to finally come around. In listening to this song, it just makes me feel that someone else is out there just doing the same thing I’m doing but it is probably just wishful thinking. 

I’ve kinda been in this weird place where human connection is something I want but don’t want at the same time. I’ll go out some days, think I’m gonna have fun and meet people, and when the time comes I just feel like I would’ve had a more fulfilling time sitting at home watching the Shelter Tour on YouTube for the fiftieth time. Usually, I’m correct but I think everyone feels like they are gonna miss out on important opportunities if they don’t at least try.

I always feel like I should be going out and trying to meet people and trying to make friends and trying to hook up with people but there’s this huge part of me that knows I really don’t want that. It annoys me to such a point because it doesn’t feel.. normal. I feel extremely lost and I don’t know if it’s my questioning sexuality or the people I hang out with or the people I’m meeting, or if there’s anyone to really blame. But I know lately that maybe trying and wishing and all of this hopelessness is fucking exhausting. 

This weekend I went home and was able to stay up for hours in my own room and own bed and download music and just get lost in YouTube videos and Genius lyrics for hours. That made me feel a little more fulfilled than anything I really did in the past week. Yes, I like hanging out with friends and playing dumb games and drinking now and then, but being alone and getting so deep into music and TV shows and art is just so fulfilling to me. 

I guess sometimes I just wish I had someone else to talk about all this too. It’s why I became friends with my ex again. It’s why I just endlessly write on Twitter and here and on social media about my likes. It’s why I will play my music so loud through my headphones in class. I just hope one day that person I’m waiting for will just tap me on the shoulder and say, “Hey, you listening to Sad Machine?” And then we can go to the stupid coffee place on campus and order the same stupid coffee and laugh about it and giggle with tears in our eyes because we finally found that one thing we’ve been looking for and we don’t have to worry anymore or write endlessly on a stupid websites or waste time on an ex-boyfriend or dumb parties or talks that are meaningless. 

Just weeks and months and years of trying becomes so tiring. It doesn’t make me want to give up, but it makes me want to stop looking. I’m so much happier in front of a computer writing and listening to Madeon and just do fucking nothing. It’s so much easier than trying to find connection outside in the real world when it’s the same thing over again. I always lay in bed at night after a day of nothing and dream of dumb human connection and cuddling and laughing and discussing music and sometimes it hits me that I might never find that person. I might never feel that fulfilled by someone. And that makes me sad; it’s just like Fresh Static Snow. 

But something I tell myself alot when I am happy just hanging with good friends or being at home with my sister or sitting alone doing nothing is that I don’t need human connection as much as I think I do. There are days that I don’t overthink myself and my choices and lie in happiness, but I’m gonna have those frustrating days like today where I wish someone would fucking text me and just discuss the Shelter Tour with me. 

And I don’t think these days are ever gonna get easier.