lilsadbabygirl

[lilsadbabygirl]

april 4th 2024: i talked about you today.

in all honesty, i never thought i’d ever be saying that but today i told our full story for the first time. to someone who knew me after you. to someone who never knew me with you. to someone who didn’t know me before you.

i talked to someone about us who never knew all the ways you’ve changed me. i talked to someone about us who doesn’t know how much of you i still carry with me.

i talked about you today. i did it without crying, tho the backs of my eyes were burning with tears one or two times. my chest didn’t hurt. it still hurts to think back to you and to us.

it’s stupid that this has me still this worked up after all these years even though i’m 100% sure you don’t waste a single thought on it. but i’m making progress and i’m proud of myself for doing so.

i talked about you today.

[lilsadbabygirl]

four years.

how insane that sounds, four years is such a long time. and yet some days it feels like it was just months ago, or even worse, in some it feels like it was just yesterday.

I used to not think if you a lot anymore, that all changed in spring though. I don’t know why it changed but I do know that healing comes in waves and I’m trying to deal with it one day at a time. I would give everything to know if you’re ok, not even a full conversation, just to know that you’ve successfully dealt with your demons. You deserve to feel okay. I hope you do.

Me, I’m currently trying to accept that I’m just not a loveable or worthy person. It’s very hard for me to admit that to myself because I am a very romantic person and I am longing and wanting love in my life. But it’s just not supposed to be and that’s okay.

On some days I think it might be better that way anyway, considering me as a person. I can’t even deal with myself so why would anyone else? The thing that does crush my heart over and over again though is, that i’m close. I go on dates, I talk to people, we flirt but then it all ends the same. I’m not enough.

I wish I knew what I wasn’t enough of. Am I not pretty enough? Am I not smart enough? Am I not extroverted enough? Am I not confident enough? Am I not quiet enough? Am I not thin enough?

What wasn’t I enough for you? I would love to know what it was for you that I couldn’t be.

[lilsadbabygirl]

2 years.

today marks two years since we broke up. that’s 24 months without you.

today marks two years since we broke up. i wish i could say it got easier and some days it is easier, but all in all it still hurts a lot. my heart still feels heavy and hollow when i think about us. and i must admit, i thought about us a lot recently, every song i listen to apparently is written about us. 

I don’t cry as often as I used to, I guess that got better. I only cry on days that I struggle to function. Our anniversary or your birthday or today, our break up day. Those are especially hard on me. But on the other days I can manage to smile when I think about us, because what we had was beautiful and it was meaningful and it still does mean a lot to me.

I don’t really text you anymore, only a life update here or there or wishing you a happy birthday or when something happens in my life - wether that is good or bad - just because I feel like you would want to know, you haven’t seen any of that though. In fact, you haven’t checked my messages in a year now. And that’s okay. That’s a sign for me, that you’ve moved on and that makes me happy. For me, I still text every once in a while though because maybe one day you will come back and see that this was real to me and that this meant something to me.

You’ve taught me so much. You helped me be confident and to be myself and you showed me that I do in fact, am able to feel happiness and to be loved. You loved me even though you knew that my mind is the darkest place ever and you never once even questioned it or considered leaving. You loved me. Thank you for that.

When we broke up, I lost all of that, I lost my girlfriend and my best friend all in the same day. I lost my happiness, my confidence and myself that day. I’m still figthing to get that back. My happiness is so far gone, I’m afraid I’ll never find it again. My confidence comes and goes every once in a while, and because of my BPD it depends on the weather or what day it is or other ridiculous things like that. But it’s here some days and that’s an improvement.

Now about me, I know I promised you that I would take care of myself and get out of my comfort zone but I haven’t really done that and in all honesty I don’t think I will. My comfort zone is my safe space and I get traumatised by so many things and triggered by so many things and I know I’ll just be totally miserable if I leave it.

I’ve also changed quite a bit honestly, I have tattoos now. I listen to a completely different music genre for the most part and I’ve just changed into a whole new person basically.  And yet I wonder, would you still like me if you knew me now.

[lilsadbabygirl]

20 months,

a little over a year and a half since our breakup. I still hurt a lot, but I’ve gotten used to it. You also haven’t checked in with me for 9 months now and I don’t think you will, I still tell you some things in my life though - the big ones - I wish I could tell you everything but I know that would just hurt me a lot more.

I wish I knew how you were doing, that hurts the most, not knowing if you’re okay, if the demons finally went away. I hope they did. Mine didn’t.

I planned on opening up about us to a friend of mine this summer, to maybe hurt a little less, but that’s not working out so I guess I’m just meant to feel all this pain on my own. I’ve listened to our playlist a lot recently, I don’t know why but I guess I just feel really lonely recently and the playlist reminds me of the good memories. The bad ones only struck when the playlist is over, or at night. Then I cry.

The love I felt for you was real. I hope you know that. The pain I feel is real too. And when you truly love someone, you never really stop loving them. That’s how I know the pain of losing you will never really go away but that’s okay. It’s the only thing I have left of you so I’ll hold onto that forever.

[lilsadbabygirl]

wishes

i miss you daily, i dont always think about how much i miss you but i do feel the holes you left in me when we parted. i miss you on days like these, when everything just goes wrong and i lose all of my control. i swear i’m trying to keep it together, to be strong and do all the things i’ve promised you. but the reality is, life’s hell since you left and it keeps getting worse, no matter how often i try to tell myself that its ‘not that bad’. it is bad. on days like these, when i’m tested and nobody understands me because no one understands my bpd impulses and my emotions that come with them. you understood me. i wish i could talk to you about it, i just want to feel understood again. i wish i never fucked up. i wish you were still here. i wish i didn’t miss you so much.

[lilsadbabygirl]

“The devil doesn’t come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you’ve ever wished for.”

— Tucker Max

[lilsadbabygirl]

One Year

It's been a while since I've been here, writing one of these. About six months to be exact. Half a year since I've admitted publicly that I miss you still. It's been a while since I've been here, writing one of these. That is because of quarantine and me being forced to fight these battles in my head and my mind with no distractions.

Just me and my thoughts and feelings. Something I was never fully alone with, something I never dealt with or don't like dealing with. In these past six months of not doing a post like this I've gone through a lot. Good things and also bad things. I'd tell you about them but I know you wouldn't really care or listen, so I decide not to. I decided not to tell anyone in fact because I don't want to be a burden on people.

You check in from time to time, usually one to three texts every two months or so. The last text I got from you was on september 17th, one day before your birthday, of course I congratulated you, you didn't see it yet tho.

Today marks one year of our breakup, that is 365 days since I lost everything that made me happy. 365 days since I last felt truly confident in myself. 365 days since I lost you.

I'd be lying if I said it wasn't still hard on me. It's easier already of course. It hurts less but on somedays it is so bad that it feels like my heart is shattering into a million pieces all over again. I have these days less and less which I think is a good sign. But I have them still and I don't think they ever fully fade away and that's okay because I don't want the memory of us to fade, not even the worst day of my life. I want to feel it all because that's how I know it was all real.

One year. A lot can change in one year. Especially in a year like 2020. I changed a lot. I had set myself the goal of putting myself out there more this year, which I have promised you I would and I wanted to, I was ready to but then Corona happened. And instead of doing all of the above I was forced to spend my lockdown with the worst person I could imagine... myself. I was forced to deal with things that I have had locked up inside me for years and years that only you knew about. Since I was forced to deal with me for 3 whole months, I focused on myself more. I had the time then so I took it. I started to workout, daily. I started to eat healthier, cutting diary out of my eating habits as much as I could. I even cut meat out of my eating habits as much as I could. I was so much happier in quarantine, focusing on nothing but myself. I even got my first tattoo, which I was terrified of getting. I've cut off people that were draining me without me realizing. But lockdown is over and with that my happiness left too and I'm back in the hole I was in before...

I'm sure you changed too, after all its been one year. I wonder if you're healthy? I wonder if you're still in college? And if yes how are your grades? I wonder if you're dating Sammy now? Or if you're dating someone else or if you're single?

I wonder if you are happy? And I wonder if you will ever talk to me as my best friend again... I hope you do.

[lilsadbabygirl]

I didn’t come this far to only come this far.

Unknown (via bnmxfld)

[lilsadbabygirl]

sex education season 2, episode 4

[lilsadbabygirl]

you.

I didn’t originally plan on writing something today but a lot of things happened today that I just had to.

First of all I had a sleepless night because everytime I’d close my eyes I would dream of you and I closed my eyes a lot and I dreamt of us still being together, you texting me and me waking up and checking my phone at least 50 times because I wanted it to be real. I dreamt about us seeing each other or you catching up with me, I dreamt about you being happy with someone else- you moved on, which if we’re honest you probably did. So after that night I couldn’t help myself but think of you with every song I heard, every quote in every show and movie I watched today. It was all you, you and you.

I don’t mind that, I like thinking about you it makes me happy - until reality hits and it doesn’t and my chest starts burning and hurting and my heart breaks again and again and again.

I am gifted with a mental illness that makes me feel emotions 10 times worse than the average human which is probably why I fall so hard and deeply in love.But right now its nothing but a curse. My heart breaks over and over again and it still feels as awful as it did the day we broke up. I still grieve you. You probably felt sad and angry for a few days or weeks maybe a month too - as normal. I grieve your loss every single day. i am cursed with feeling intense grieve of someone alive instead of sadness.

Sometimes I wonder if you’ve moved on, I don’t want you to - I want you to think of me, I want you to feel the pain I do even if that sounds selfish and dumb. Truth is you probably are moved on - you’re pretty, smart, funny, lovable and people just like you so I would assume you’ve found someone else. Someone who’s everything I couldn’t be. I’m still sorry for that. I want you to be happy because I loved and still love it when you are happy. If someone else makes you happy then that’s good.

But then again on days like these...I wish you weren’t.

[lilsadbabygirl]

three months.

It’s been three months since our break up now. I would like to say that I’m better, I’m over it and sometimes I think and feel like I am but then you come back into my mind and it hurts so much again. I miss you so much. I miss feeling loved. I miss being happy.

There’s so many things that randomly pop into my mind about our breakup but I never want to write them down because I don’t want to be reminded of it so much. One day a month would be enough, but reality is...I think about you daily. I would go to work and be fine all day and sometimes even a whole 24 hours or I would go to work and have a great day and then at night I would be reminded of our conversations and our love or I would go to work and have a great day and then someone at work says something that reminds me of you and I would go to the bathroom and cry or I would not go to work at all because the pain of missing you is just too much.

I thought about your words again, that I shouldn’t keep myself so isolated and get out of my comfort zone and talk to people. Trust me..I tried. I had people that seemed like they wanted to get to know me but I couldn’t open myself up to them or be interested in them like they deserve it, I don’t want to waste their time. So I tried reaching out to my best friend about it. I just want to vent to her sometimes and cry but she’s met someone and I dont wanna be a burden, besides she always tells me that I should get over you and it’s not healthy for me which is the opposite of what I want to her, what someone should tell me. I have never felt as happy and loved and confident as I was with you in my life...so shouldn’t people tell me that they hope I get you back into my life? Do they not want the best for me? Because how could they want the best for me and happiness for me if they want me to live without you?

So as you can see, talking to people and opening up to them isnt going as planned. Though one of my friends had asked me recently how long it has been since my last relationship, she doesnt know about you, she was disappointed when I said it was recently. I thought about telling her but I’m afraid she’ll tell me to get over you as well. I don’t want to hear that.

At your recent text, I felt a different energy coming from you, a better one. I hope you’re doing better, you deserve happiness. I hope that means you’ve moved on and that we can talk normally again soon because I miss you so much in my life. I’ve decided I want to take a step or two in getting better as well. I started a podcast about my thoughts and everything really. i doubt anyone will listen to it, which is fine because it’s about me and I do that for me.

I also reread our conversations recently and came across you telling me to just visit you and I want to so badly, but I don’t know where you study at exactly, I should have asked that when we still were and I don’t even know if you’re still there or if you’re back home. I wanted to write you a letter too but what if you don’t live at that adress anymore?

I just want you to talk to me and I want us to tell each other every detail about our days again.

I’m also been having some of the worst days in years again but I can’t talk about that to anyone because its associated with you and well, people don’t want to heart about the heartbreak or you anymore but I want to talk about you because you are the light of my life. I’ve had a 3 hour crying breakdown at my mom’s birthday party and people gave me attention, obviously because I was sobbing so hard, but I didn’t want attention. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be able to text you and I wanted you to be there. I wanted to be able to have a friend be there for me saying that it’s okay. But that was nit the case. I was crying and crying and I couldn’t stop because it hurt so much. It still hurts so much everyday.

But I’ve also had some of my happiest days this past month because I’ve been to Disneyland, I thought about if I might run into you there..I didn’t, but you know I love Disneyland so I was happy there. And I’ve had some of the happiest days this month thinking about how happy we were. And I didn’t always cry thinking about that. Which I think is a tiny improvement.

[lilsadbabygirl]

two months.

it’s officially a few days over two months that we broke up now and i still cry myself to sleep every single day. it still hurts, so much. i wish it was different because the pain is unbearable some days.

I have thought about dealing with the pain in different ways, very unhealthy ways but I didn’t because I promised you I’d never do those things to myself again. But I don’t know how much longer I can go before giving in to all those dark voices that tell me it will be better if i make myself suffer. After all, does that promise still count as valid if we’re apart? Are you still keeping the promises you made to me? I hope you are.

You text me, you ask how I am. On sundays mostly. I wish we talked more because I’d forget the pain then but I can’t push you into that. I’m happy when you ask me every sunday how i am and I lie and say I’m good and ask you the same and you lie saying you’re fine. You were never good when you said you’re fine. It���s that same conversation every sunday and I wish we talked more but I’m glad we talk at all. Your notifications make me so happy

I miss you, I wish you missed me too.

[lilsadbabygirl]

almost

I’ve never been in a serious physical relationship,unlike you. I learned to be all by myself at such a young age I don’t know how to deal with people around me. And if I do then I don’t know how to deal with physical contact - I’m scared of it. I’m afraid of someone I know physically to see how broken I am. Because what if it’s not safe to be who I am with someone? What if they take advantage of the mess I am? What if they can’t handle it? What if they don’t want to?

But I’m better online. It’s as serious- for me- but I still get the enjoyment of being alone. It doesn’t scare me as much. I deal with that better. I control that more.

But you. You’ve had it all. You’ve had relationships, experience, you have LIVED. I wish I could’ve been that brave; that confident. I never was

But with you I was. I didn’t feel like I missed anything with you. I experienced things. I grew as a person. I got confident. I had it all.

Until I lost it.

I almost had it all.

[lilsadbabygirl]

one month

october 12th 2019, just a bit over a month ago, I messed up. I regret it. A lot. I wish you knew that, you probably do know. You acted like you didn't know, maybe because you did not want to believe it, maybe because you cared, whatever it was, it still ended us. I knew the moment I messed up that this would be the end. I was hoping it wasn't that way. We broke up on october 13th 2019, after dating for one year, 6 months and 2 days. It's noth what you want. I'm not good enough. Not anymore. Not as myself at least. But if we're honest.... I never was. My world shattered that day. I'm sure so did yours. You told me you had to get over a love that was never real. But it was the realest thing I have ever felt in my life. It was real love. Just because a person behind that love and words isn't real doesn't make the love fake too. I wanted to tell you since a long time but I decided to be selfish because your love made me better, happier and more confident. just like you told me my love made you feel. I wanted to keep you happy. You deserve it more than anyone else in this world. I don't regret being selfish. Living withouth telling you every. single. detail. about my day is so hard because I'm used to it but I want to give you the time and space you need. I fail at that sometimes. Your silence hurts but I understand you completely. I miss you.

[lilsadbabygirl]

only one.

What happened to us? What happened to the us we were before the heartbreak?

The us that made everyone say "you two are so cute. it's disgusting." The us that didn't care about the world. The us that would have done everything for the other one. The us that loved each other unconditionally.

But I guess it was only me, I was the only one who didn't care about anyone but you. I was the only one who would have done everything for you. I was the only one who loved you unconditionally.

And now I am still the only one who's idiotic to think that we are meant to be.

[lilsadbabygirl]

Loneliness

Hello, I don't know if anyone even reads these but I write these to get things off my mind so I do not care nor does it matter if anyone reads these.

So you know how people constantly tell you to talk to someone you trust when you're not well. truth is: I'm not well. I texted people who i thought would always be here for me because well they always say it and usually I'd be too scared to talk to someone about my actual problems but I'm in such a bad and dark mindset right now that I needed help or else. but the sad truth is: people didn't care. people didn't reply. and when they did it was 'go to sleep you're tired', 'it will be better soon'.

I never felt so alone in my life and I don't have anyone to talk to at this point so here I am writing here and there's most likely going to be a lot of articles from me rn because my mind is going all over the place and I don't know how to shut it up right now.

Truth is, when you're like me and you hang out with people, you have friends and they tell you they'll always be here but you never trust them bc you know they won't be in the end. Trust that gut feeling because when it comes to the serious point, people don't care and thats the sad truth.

[lilsadbabygirl]

Borderline

"Borderliners are aggressive, bored, unstable." I heard this prejudice a lot of times in my life.

Here's my experience and my truth on Borderline: In school we were asked to pick a mental illness and write about it. I wanted to pick eating disorders as I was suffering from anorexia at that time. Only one classmate was left and she insisted we write about Borderline because her brother suffered from it.

I had no idea what Borderline was. I am pretty sure some of you have no idea as well. But writing about it, I more and more realized that was all me. I was this. I had this.

My classmate's brother was aggressive, bored, unstable, everything said above and more. I am not. I am quite, social and I like to believe I am stable.

I went to specialists to see if I really had Borderline. Turns out I do. I would like to say for myself that my Borderline is a light one. I have, however, not met another Borderliner in my life.

Borderline Personality Disorder, as the name says, is a personality disorder. Life is hard, it's a struggle.

For me Borderline is like something's missing, like a puzzle and one piece cannot be found. It's an endless search for that damn piece. For me Borderline is literally a black and white world. I read most Borderliners don't take this point as strict but for me I like to see my world in order. I like to believe in the good and the bad. I don't want there to be an inbetween. I struggle accept people are both good and bad. I want them to be just one. For me, it's very hard to trust. I don't struggle in finding friends and talking to people but I struggle to keep the contact steady. I don't like to message people, I don't want to be annoying. I don't trust people, though I want to but I can't. My trust has been broken and used too many times. I once wanted to give my trust, I gave it, but it wasn't wanted.

Borderline for me is an everyday struggle and fight with myself and who I would like to be. I'm bored sometimes, I've been worse.

Borderline cannot be fully healed. This always is in the back of my mind even though I'm happy and fine. This sentence ruins it all.