lemursandsirens

[lemursandsirens]

despite everything i've been through, it's always still so jarring to get medical results that show nothing.

[lemursandsirens]

Rhapsody in Blue model sheets for Fantasia 2000

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my new kink is calling transphobes perverts for asking about my genitals

[lemursandsirens]

i keep wanting to see me

keep wanting to meet me

keep seeing glimpses, a hue, a sheen of that person

still disconnected from the “who”

but i see the focus 

i see the hyper awareness of this “new”

and i see the way you’re repelled

by this layer you’ve ordained as dirt

so i’ll scrub again

cleanse again

to dissolve the glimpses of me

for a few days at least

this constant pruning 

leads to regrowth

and you wouldn’t prune suddenly visible roots

of an old tree

so acquiesce

sooner rather than later

i don’t want glimpses anymore

[lemursandsirens]

hello tumblr. i have returned. to be miserable and post cringe poetry

[lemursandsirens]

hrt story

I’ve been on HRT for 2 months now. It’s important to me to document what’s going on and maybe at the same time, talk about where I’ve been. For the sake of brevity, I’ll include the things I’ve since learnt/pieced together over time. cw/tw: medical trauma, intersex specific trauma, forced medical treatment, medical abuse, forced hrt, genital mention,

Tl;dr - I am intersex and was forced into HRT without my knowledge and I’m finally going back to who I was. At 26, I’m starting over with my body and it’s wonderful and scary and beautiful and painful and everything at once.  

When I was 18, my GP at the time did some blood work that included hormonal stuff. I have no idea why, I don’t remember complaining about anything, but he informed me that my results indicated that I had the “blood profile of someone with PCOS”. I very much didn’t know what that is, what that meant, or anything around this. I’ve since learnt this likely meant I had elevated testosterone in my results. I was then referred to a gynaecologist. Without discussing the weird and fucked up events surrounding the testing, the findings were never shared with me directly. The gynaecologist put me on a synthetic oestrogen to “fix my levels” and naturally, I trusted this doctor. I was being told something was wrong with me that needed to be changed, despite feeling fine. I was happy to be on birth control so I very much did not look into anything with more depth, not that I could really. I wouldn’t have known where to start. 

The last 6 years of my life have honestly been some of the hardest on me physically. My health has been progressively getting worse and finding a stable place has been really hard. I’m not there yet, not even close, but I’m closer than I have been for the last 6 years now. I was diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome a few years ago, along with Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. To summarise the relevant effects; EDS means I don’t produce as much collagen, causing thin skin and subluxations/dislocations in me, and MCAS means my mast cells, which control a whole lot of different reactions in the body, are hyperreactive. For me, that means I am hypersensitive to histamines/foods with histamines which causes allergies, inflammation, pain, throughout the body. Historically, this manifested in me mostly in my lungs for the most part but so many things have been added over time. 

Through all my time in online communities, I’ve learnt so much about my conditions. I’ve been utterly neglected since my diagnosis by the medical system so symptom management became my responsibility. I’ve learnt the ins and outs about the chemicals in my body, how different things feel, how it all interacts with me, and what I can be doing. I have learnt that oestrogen has an effect on your collagen. Whilst studies show that oestrogen can help collagen production, there is a significant amount of evidence that at elevated levels, subluxations/dislocations are more frequent. https://clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/show/NCT04055129

Fast forward to a few years ago, boom I’m trans and also in pain. So, 15th December 2022 I started HRT. I stopped the synthetic oestrogen immediately, started a progesterone only birth control, and began microdosing testosterone through testogel. The differences are truly mind blowing to me. Within a few days, my pain decreased significantly, my mind felt clearer like a veil had been lifted, my biologics (fortnightly injection for MCAS) work better, joints felt “tighter”. All I keep saying to myself is “I feel like I used to”. I’m back to who I was before being forced onto oestrogen. My subluxations/dislocations aren’t as frequent, though it’s harder to get joints back into place. My mental health is…different to say the least. I’m not like, no longer depressed but it’s changed from a confused and hazy depression to alert and aware. Trust me when I say for me, the latter is better. I no longer have painful orgasms, no longer have what felt like “too fast” orgasms that become painful spasms, I actually have my clitoris back which all but completely disappeared when I started the birth control back in the day. My skin everywhere just feels tighter, and whilst there’s barely any other visible changes (other than this tiny stache), I know those close to me can tell. Things are just a bit easier, just that little bit clearer. I’m not cured, I’m not able to get off meds or live my life very differently but to have this little bit of extra peace? It has literally saved my life. 

Where am I going with this? Not sure. Maybe something like, we know fuck all about hormones and people should be allowed to know about their own bodies a bit better than we currently do. I should have never gone through any of this. The last 8 years of this could’ve been avoided and there are things that I can't get back, nor repair. I am grieving and I am happy. I'm learning who I am again and it’s thrilling and stressful and awful and beautiful. 

[lemursandsirens]

okay but minecraft is haunted on your own????

what are these sounds. what are these weird events.

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me: has a pleasant interaction which makes me go😊

me two seconds later when they sexualise me and as for thigh pics: 🥲

[lemursandsirens]

our hyphae

some days the differences feel too illuminating  too neon too flashing  too grating and all the rest seem invisible 

and despite it looking like mycelium all i can see are the disconnected variants too bright too unkind too unempathetic the unnatural obscuring what’s natural

it isn’t accurate though considering the strength in the hyphae the expanse of territory it’s explored over time too rooted too real too important

if only you’d stop pointing out the anomalies

[lemursandsirens]

who wants more poetry

[lemursandsirens]

eds

today the lack of collagen isn’t just in my connective tissue i feel the strands of experiences twisting and breaking down as if they want to get me to stop i think it means i should be kind and delicate perhaps some elmore’s oil and a weighted blanket or googling again if i’m eligible for care (you never are) instead i think i should just do what i usually do be a sock outta the buskin duo for the day eventually i’ll feel it (you never do)

[lemursandsirens]

i am so lucky to be radically and unconditionally loved the way i am. i have spent a lot of my time second guessing and questioning the relationships i have. to be in a space where i’m suddenly able to let my guard down is so jarring. and it’s my workplace? make it make sense.

this group of people are so genuinely good and kind. despite working here, i don’t feel like i’m at all being valued for just what i can give. i don’t feel drained, i don’t feel exploited. everyone’s priority for each other is making sure our cups are always replenished and no one is giving more than they should be. i’ve never known that, not like this.

i can finally rest up. i can finally relax a little. i can heal.

[lemursandsirens]

good morning, i've been microdosing t for 5 weeks now and i am happy but also fuck me today is a bad mental health day. i've finally written up my experience with hrt and how the medical system failed me as an intersex person and now, i am staring at a google doc thinking it's literally just too dramatic and attention seeking. the way my life just feels like that sometimes lol

[lemursandsirens]

hi again

so, i just needed a space i think. a space to create, write, share my art, complain, idk stuff. so much of me is different these days and yet, so much of me is similar to who i was when i last had tumblr. maybe i want some community like i did back then. or maybe some good old attention. or maybe i want to scream into the void. i don’t know how long i’ll keep this up but let’s give it a go. properly this time. who knows, maybe some openness and transparency would be good for me.

[lemursandsirens]

real friends fuck shit up together

[lemursandsirens]

Let's make saucisson!

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did this a while back with Copics and a watercolour background. once a weeb, always a weeb.