kiwi-online-blog - Tumblr blog

[kiwi-online-blog]

Is it just me?

Are you willing to blame someone else? Are you ready to blame the first person you see? Do you jump to conclusions? Do you take your frustrations out on people that don’t deserve it?

I have felt it since the age of 5 years old. Being the one blamed for the actions of others. Being the one caught out for doing what everyone else is doing.

I grew up with a very large extended family. However, while my cousins were building relationships I lived over 5 hours away. I was the odd one. The one who only visited on holidays. The scapegoat. I felt the rage of adults while my cousins were lying.

Entering adulthood and a fulltime job I thought that would all change. But it did not.

For the past 6 years of my life I have spent it within the same job. I have been the one that is scolded for incidents even when I may not have even worked that day.

I portray a “I don’t give a fuck” persona. However, every time I am blamed directly or indirectly it strips away at my self confidence.

I would walk into work wondering what I was going to be yelled at for today. Did I break the keyboard, leave my keys in the door overnight, miscount the till? Anything that was seen that was wrong was always my fault.

There was a running joke about how “kiwi did it”.

I believed that when the restaurant was sold that my new bosses wouldn’t be like that. I was wrong. I may not be directly blamed but I cop the shit for it. If someone does something wrong the incident seems to be flipped and somehow I am in the wrong.

Honestly it is the most draining and stressful part of my job. I try to just chug along but I am constantly beaten. It’s mentally straining. I don’t want responsibility. I don’t want accountability. What is the point?

Tell me do you feel like this? What do you do? What should I do?

💗 Kiwi

[kiwi-online-blog]

Your Shadows

Dear Daddy,

For the first 12years of my life you hid it from me. You hid the sadness within yourself. You hid your self hate. Those thoughts you have that have driven you to spend days in bed without food. Without speaking. Without me. Without us.

Was it the Lord that helped you keep sane?

We spent 10years in the same place. You were in the same job for that time and then you hit rock bottom. Thinking suicide would be better. But it wasn’t your time to go that rope it broke. It is still not your time to go.

I remember the first time that I visited you in hospital. 13 years old with little to no understanding of what was going on within you or what the true meaning of what the mark was around your neck.

For the last 10 years we have been moving year after year. You hitting breaking point and our family relocating to help your rehabilitation.

I remember every relocation. Every hospital visit. Every cycle.

But I still love you daddy. It has made me a much stronger person. You and mum have made me the person I am. Strong, independent, intelligent!

But today after 2 years of you all being back in New Zealand I received the phone call. The cycle that you fell into year after year has began to emerge once again. I feel hopeless in another country on how to help you. I thought that this time you were doing good. Every time mum called me I asked how you were doing.

I notice your signs. The signs that show when you are beginning to give up. I can hear it in your voice. See it in your face.

Your speech at my 21st still brings me to tears. You may not know it but you are one of my heroes. You may not love yourself but I love everything about you!

Mental illness effects 1 in 8 men. It is not uncommon. You know that there is help out there for you. That little “pill of health” you need to take every day is not a weakness. It makes you strong. Talking and asking for help makes you strong.

Our family is ready to take the plunge for you. Are you ready to go? Mum believes that this is the best decision. For you to head home and being your healing again.

A stay at home dad. What could be better? You can help with homework. Watch the kids play their sports. Start a garden again. You can be a dad that has time to be a dad. You have worked tirelessly the last 23years of my life. Working to support your family and give us everything we could need.

Now you need to be selfish. You need to forget about how you might hurt someone else because of your decisions. Because in the end you are just killing yourself. You need to look out for your number ones. That is your family of 8.

Don’t let yourself fall in to bad habits. Don’t be led astray. Let mum work this time. You just:

Focus and conquer!

I believe in you daddy. I believe that you and mum will make the best decision for you guys. I believe you will beat your demons. Not just beat them but destroy them.

Don’t worry about us! We are fine. We have what we need. We miss you guys but we are healthy and on track.

We love you! We love you all!

Love your daughter ❤️

❤️ Kiwi

[kiwi-online-blog]

Why Lucifer?

Everyone at least once in their lives will encounter their boss from hell. However, the “why my boss is from hell” will differ person to person.

I work in a restaurant. My position is Manager. The restaurant is owned by a father and daughter duo. The daughter is my boss from hell.

Why is my boss from hell? Well:

1. She is lazy

She is the laziest person I have met in my life. She will find any excuse to do nothing. But, as soon as you are standing still or she has to do work she is the first to snap about you not pulling your weight.

She compiled a list of weekly management duties split between the three of us. She is in charge of things like:

Overseeing staff time off

Ordering alcohol

Organising functions

And a couple of minor other things which I can’t think of

I am in charge of:

Rostering

Stocktake

Staff discipline

Organising staff time off

Dealing with invoices

And I picked up a couple of other things when my bosses decided to demote another manager

As well as these tasks we need to ensure the smooth day to day operation of the restaurant. We need to ensure that staff are working, managing complaints and working within the restaurant.

She is the store manager which means she needs to know how to run both the Front of house and Back of house. However, when she is rostered on for either part of the restaurant she wants to be doing the opposite. If she needs to be in the floor she wants to be in the kitchen and vice versa.

She loves to stand around and act as though she is busy when in fact she is not. She also has this terrible habit of running around like a headless chook when we are quiet like we have just sat 200 customers or something.

2. She is demanding

If she wants you to do something you have to do it. If you say no she will nag at you until you do it. I’m not talking about tasks associated with working either. Braiding her hair or doing her makeup or helping her with something external to the restaurant is also expected.

3. She does not “Practice what you Preach” basically she’s a hypocrite.

“Do as I say not as I do” is her number one motto.

I feel as though complaining about someone for doing what she does is her favourite pass time. Things like:

Not performing the job correctly

Eating on shift

Not cleaning correctly

Social commitments being more important

Not shutting the store correctly

Complaining about being tired

Always wanting to go home

Going out for smoke breaks

4. She’s a liar

There has been many times where I have caught her out on a lie. To which she covers up with more lies or cry’s to her dad about me picking on her.

5. Her life external to the business is more important

I am at my very wits end with excuses like:

“I have an event”

“I need to go because of...”

“Dad needs me to...”

I feel as though I am burdened with as much responsibility as the owner of the restaurant. If I want an early night. Nope. But if she wants one I have to grin and bear it. I am expected to run and close her business because she has other commitments.

It is your restaurant why does it feel like you care more about someone else’s business?

6. She is nosy

She needs to know everything. I was resetting a section of the restaurant with someone else in silence she walked in and said “what are you bitching about?”

7. She does not communicate

Communication is key in any business. But in this one it is inconsistent.

Her communication skills in general even to customers is poor.

8. She is inconsistent

He work performance is poor. She never finishes what starts. Her inconsistency stems to all parts of her work. She has low standard toward quality. She does not perform how we are expected to. She does not care about anyone else. She does not care about the tasks at hand.

9. She loves to be a hero

You will never hear the end of it if she has to work on a day off. Or if she did something all by herself.

10. She micromanages

I get into arguments with her over this. The staff are more likely to drop what I have asked them to do because she has asked them to do something different. Time and time again I have said that if she wants to manage then be the manager but she always takes the easy job and hangs out in the bar.

Ultimately...

I feel like I am the star of Ugly Betty or The Devil Wears Prada. She is impossible to work with. She makes it hard to like her because she is just so selfish. I just cannot deal with her “you need to love me” bullshit anymore.

Tell me why is your boss from hell? Would you be able to stick out 3 years with her?

🧡 Kiwi

[kiwi-online-blog]

Hot air balloon

Do you ever just feel like you are going to explode?

Today was one of those days for me.

It was one thing after another that just caused me to want to break. Little insignificant events that because of the domino effect you just lose it.

New year new me. It’s bullshit! January is now only 12 days in and I already have regrets. 288 hours 17280 minutes and I have not changed one thing.

Most popular New Years resolutions include:

Exercise more

Eat healthier

Lose weight

Learn a new skill

Save money

My resolution:

Be happy

That is being happy with:

Myself

What I have

My career

My life

But then there are those niggling thoughts.

My drama may not include death, disease or injury but that does not make my pain and stress insignificant.

Yes,

I have a home

I have a car

I have a job

I have food in the cupboard

I have a fabulous relationship

I have supportive people around me

But...

I am not happy. I have a negative shadow full of judgement, hate and despair which feels like a 100 tonne weight on my back.

More than anything I feel lost. Lost to the life I once imagined I would have by this age. Lost in the never ending repetition of my day to day life. Lost to the person I want to be. Lost in the person I want people to see.

I pull up behind my job and sign no longer happy. I only feel comfortable with a full face of makeup. I hate full length mirrors because of the way I look. Every time I eat something I want to vomit.

But these are all things I can change. But there is always an excuse.

“An event is coming up at work I can’t leave yet” “someone else just left”

“I’ll start on Monday”

“I can’t be bothered”

“Work makes it too hard to eat healthy”

I know they are all just excuses. But every time I try I fail. Fail and don’t want to attempt it again.

I want to travel high like a hot air balloon and leave it all behind.

The biggest issue of all?

Money 💰

But money is just like time it is relative.

Those that have it don’t need it and those that need it don’t have it.

It is my biggest excuse as to why I don’t change myself.

“It’s too expensive to have a gym/boot camp membership”

“Eating healthy is too expensive”

“I need a full time job to move on to to be able to afford life”

I hate money! But it makes the world go around.

I will do it. I will conquer! I will be happy!

I WILL!

Tell me am I just over thinking everything? How would you deal with this? Are you dealing with the same thing?

🖤 Kiwi

[kiwi-online-blog]

Simply impossible

Have you ever met someone that makes you want to rip out your hair whenever you are with them?

I have.

Things I hate in people:

Liars

Clingyness

Being fake

Acting dumb

High dependence

Hippocrates

Unreliability

Negativity

Selfishness

I know that nobody is perfect.

But...

There is only so much one person can take. I have known this person for 3 years now. Their definition of our relationship is “best friends”. My definition of our relationship “boss and employee”. I am the furthest thing from an empathetic human being. However, there is only so much that I can handle before I begin to come across as a:

Bitch

The person I am talking about has stretched my patience to the breaking point. I have never felt this way about someone I am in such close proximity with on a day to day basis.

The needyness is so excessive I feel like I am walking on egg shells whenever I am in their presence. I have to constantly think about:

What I say

How I say it

What my face looks like when I say it

How I act

Is what I want to say going to upset them

If I do that will it make them cry

It becomes tiresome. You slowly become mentally unstable.

What I am over:

Constantly having to reassure her that I’m not angry at her

Constantly hearing “are you okay?”

Not being able to go to work and just work without being told “what’s up your ass?”

Never being able to do the right thing

Having to watch how I treat her because she can’t take a joke

Having no privacy (literally I could be talking to someone and immediately it is “what, who, when”)

Coming to her rescue

Being her scapegoat

Not being treated like a friend (when you go out with someone introduce them as a friend not as an employee)

Being lumped with all of her problems with little to no consideration of what might be going on in your own life

Why do I put up with this?

I need my job.

I put up with the bullshit because I need the job. I don’t hate her but I also don’t see her as a real friend.

I can’t make plans with anyone at work without putting her in a shit mood.

What she needs to do is more important

She does not understand “practice what you preach”

Personally I believe that she will never change. She is a selfish human being. I can no longer take it. The funniest part is I was warned. Three years ago a close friend warned me and I ignored it. Now I am ready to jump in front of a bus.

Tell me do you know someone like this? What would you do?

💚Kiwi

[kiwi-online-blog]

What is friendship?

The dictionary defines a friend as:

“A person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations”.

My definition is:

“A person in which you can trust and rely on. Someone in which you can share your inner thoughts with without the threat of judgement”.

In the past month or more a person whom I believe I have a close friendship with has made me feel as though having more than one friend is simply outrageous.

The following words sum up how she has began to treat myself and our friendship:

Negative: This is negativity toward things I share with her. Deeming my opinion as irrelevant.

Judgemental: I cannot say something without feeling judgement in her remarks. It’s not only what she says but the body language and facial expressions which accompany it.

Ignore: If I try and tell her about something involving my other friends she basically ignores the conversation or eludes it by changing the subject.

Jealous: Two weekends in a row I did not follow through with plans which has created a sense hostility between her and I. She has started to make me feel as though I cannot have more than one friend and if I make plans without her that is not okay. Back story below: The first weekend was Christmas Day. We made plans that my partner and myself would go over to her house to exchange Christmas presents. However, I got too intoxicated resulting in me wanting to stay with my family. Disappointing her. The second was New Years weekend. I had decided to make plans with another friend at work when basically she invited herself along. That idea was put on hold until two days before New Years when she asked “so, what are we doing”? Where I told her I was going to the dam with a couple of other friends. Thus, cancelling any plans that we had and once again disappointing her.

Clingy: I cannot even share a post on Facebook without being interrogated. For example: the other night I shared a post while I was at her house. As soon as she seen it she questioned me about who it was about and was quite bitchy.

The only reasonable explanation for her sudden change of attitude is jealousy. But she is not my only friend and I am not about to limit myself to one friend just to appease her.

Tell me has this kind of thing happened to you? What have you done to change the situation? Is there any point in trying to salvage the relationship? Would you put up with this?

💙 Kiwi

[kiwi-online-blog]

Management 101

So my bosses believe in “managing someone out”.

To “manage someone out” their way means to: Bring said person in for a meeting. List the reasons their work performance is not good enough. Then remove said person from the roster. When they ask why they are getting no shifts your reply is either “your performance is not good enough” or nothing at all.

I googled “define managing out” and found an article by Chris Forrest Harvey titled “Managing someone out - the right way”. In which he states “managing someone out the right way means you ask someone to resign and he or she does willingly”.

This is not the case for a staff member tonight who is and I quote the “dumbest employee we have”. In their defence she is not the most intelligent of motivated staff member we have in our team but their complete lack of empathy toward her is shocking. Alternatively in the employees defence has she been trained adequately and or been given the opportunity to show her full potential?

I was informed that they were going to sit down and have a meeting with her tonight where they were going to basically try and get her to resign from her position. Furthermore, that if she wouldn’t resign they would hand her a final written warning which would mean she was fired. This was not the case.

The said staff member chose not to resign which resulted in myself telling my bosses that “I have already released the rosters and she will not be on them”. This was due to me being told that morning to release them in the hope she would do as they predicted. Their response to me saying that was “oh well, we knew nothing”. This is what would also be said if she questioned her where abouts on the rosters.

This is not the first time and incident like this has happened and more than likely not the last. I understand that from their perspective “firing” or “terminating” someone’s employment is difficult but sometimes it is better for that person than simply keeping them around and giving them the bare minimum shifts just because you are trying to make them leave.

This whole ordeal is completely barbaric and manipulative. Nobody is perfect but there are times where you need to draw a line in the sand and accept the role of the villain.

In my opinion this is totally and utterly immoral! In what sick universe is removing somebody from a roster fair? The fair work ombudsman would have a field day with their lack of empathy for their own staff.

Let me know your opinion and whether you would allow your self to be treated this way or whether you would treat someone this way.

💜 Kiwi