itsladygrey-blog - Tumblr blog

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I don't even know...

I have no clue what's been going on lately. It's like one of those moments when you're just like, wait what happened? Except it's been all week. Fuck this new medication. I hate how it messes with my head, I mean, I guess that's what it's supposed to do, but it doesn't feel right. Maybe I'm just not used to feeling anything and now I'm feeling everything at once. It's scary, and it's got me feeling borderline paranoid. Definitely gonna get off this shit when I can, I'm sick of feeling like an emotional basket case.

Tonight also marked a night of choices for me. Having to choose between my past/present, or what could be my future (which is, of course, Mr. M). I feel like I'm running out of time, but what I have now wants something I'm not ready for (a relationship). Let me just say how much this bothers me, because of all the crazy shit going on in my head. I wanna fix myself before I involve anyone in my life like that again. It kind of was the straw that broke the camel's back in the first place. I do love him, but I just wish he could understand what I'm going through, and I know he's tired of 'waiting for me to get better'. I'm never going to be better, just not as bad as before. I'm not ready for marriage, or even living with someone other than myself. I love waking up in the morning and doing whatever the hell I want with MY day. I just need time to love myself again...

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Secrets

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M...

I miss him still, so much it hurts. Almost everything reminds me of M. I love dreaming of him, thinking about him, talking to him. I love thinking about him caressing me, kissing me, cuddling while we watch Star Wars. I miss watching those movies with him, sneaking out of school to go smoke across the street, walking all over town for no reason, the trips to Burger King and just getting the pie, all those hours after school together in the theater. I just miss everything. He needs to come back home, so I can satisfy these selfish thoughts. I wish things were easier.

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Different

I feel different today. I still feel like I'm losing it, but at the same time I feel hopeful. I don't know what about, maybe I was able to laugh today, and actually enjoy myself. I hate depression. I hate that everyone around me doesn't understand. I can't just make it go away, and I honestly don't know why I'm depressed half the time, I just am. I don't know how much longer I can 'keep being strong'. I think the fact that I've given up makes things easier to handle, just not giving a fuck. Maybe that's why I'm hopeful, because I just can't go any lower than this. Only up from here.

Also, Stepbrothers ftw.

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I need some happiness. So I figure this ADORABLE picture of a husky with a hat on will do. :)

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Sick sick sick

I hate pills. Anything not natural I hate putting in my body. And now I'm sick, nauseous and exhausted. Great way to start off my break.

I had a dream about my brother last night. I dreamt that he was just in a coma, not dead. I felt so excited to learn he had come out of his coma, and we started to catch up and laugh like old times. I felt relief, but then I woke up and realized he's still gone. It felt like my heart breaking all over again. I want that dream to be real so damn bad. I wish he was still here. My soul has felt so empty since that day. I don't know if I'll ever learn to be happy. But that's what my doctors say these pills will help with. I'm doubtful.

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Just had a 2 hour phone call with someone I absolutely did not feel like talking 2 hours to. Why can't phone calls be simple? Why can't I just call and say what I wanted to say, and that be it? Why does it have to turn into this big thing, every single time? So tired of the drama. You see, I have this friend, and I do enjoy hanging out with him, BUT he wants to hang out EVERY SINGLE DAY. I'm not ordinarily a people person, and I like what I call 'me time'. I tried to say no, and it turned into a 2 hour guilt trip. Like, fuckin' shit, learn to have a life. I don't know, maybe I'm just too selfish. Whatevs, gotta be me, do what I do. I wish M would come into town soon, I really miss him.

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Can anyone suggest any good apocalypse movies?

I need to alleviate boredom for the next few weeks!

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Well, it's a start

I finally woman'ed up and texted him. I loved and hated feeling my face flush, hands get shaky, my heart beating a million miles an hour. And, he's not even sure if he's able to come to town. Very anti-climactic, yes. But, it's something. Even the short conversation we had felt like it gave me a glimmer of hope. It's still not the same though. Maybe things will turn back like they used to, or even better someday. I'll be patient, I swear. I just hope there's still room for me in his life like there used to be.

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Exactly how I feel about him. I hate that I'm almost in the same situation, but it's why I love this movie so much. *swoon*

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Predictable doesn’t always mean boring, lust doesn’t always mean love, near doesn’t always mean close, new doesn’t always mean exciting, different doesn’t always mean better, far doesn’t always mean distant.

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I need sleep y'all

Too sleep deprived right now. M is on my mind, I keep thinking too much. Fuck ADD. On the other hand, the thought of him inspires me to continue doing what I love, painting. It's so easy to get creative when I let myself feel the emotions that run through my body just by thinking about him.