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If I Could Go Back To When You Were Young

(The words inspiring these images belong to “Honeycomb” by The Duskwhales) 

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Look for the Soft Emotion

Look for the soft emotion hiding beneath the hard one, and respond to the soft one.  

-Psychologists Philip and Carolyn Cowan

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4 Communication Response Styles

(This concept was developed by psychologist Shelly Gable who specializes in social interactions and close relationships) 

When a close friend or partner confides significant information, the response creates a long-lasting impression.  Here are 4 common response styles between a listener and confidant, only 1 of which is effective in the long-run:

Let’s say your close friend/partner says:

1. Passive-Destructive Response

The listener dismisses the information by turning the attention towards themselves or ignoring the confidant altogether 

2. Passive-Constructive Response

The listener acknowledges the information, but with low enthusiasm. They come across as distracted and disinterested in prodding the conversation along further.

3. Active-Destructive Response

The listener engages in the conversation, but with an immediate negative reaction.  They quash the information with doubt, disbelief, or lack of support. 

4. Active-Constructive 

The listener engages in the conversation with support and enthusiasm, and prods the conversation along by drawing more information out of the confidant 

Close friends and partners who respond in the 1st, 2nd and 3rd styles are at greater risk of splitting apart down the line, and those who practice the 4th style are more likely to experience trust, intimacy, and overall satisfaction together.

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Male Closeness

We encourage girls to have closeness, affection and emotional vulnerability in their childhood friendships

When boys display the same sort of closeness, affection, and emotional vulnerability in their childhood friendships, we respond with

ridicule

and

homophobia

which teaches boys to be closed off

When adult men are emotionally distant and ineffective communicators, it perpetuates the stereotype that men do not value closeness as much as women do

If we begin to normalize closeness, affection, and emotional vulnerability in boyhood friendships,

we improve the communication skills of adult men in the long run, which creates better relationships for humanity as a whole

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