ihave2saysomething

[ihave2saysomething]

Sorry

My bf when I asked him for sex after I agreed even if I wasnt totally on the mood 2 days ago.

Even if I wasnt totally on the mood, I try to put myself a little in while when I ask to him he's everytime "sorry" or saying "no.".

I care about his needs but what about mine...

[ihave2saysomething]

depression: uhh stay in bed…..you dont have the energy and are incapable of productivity anyway

anxiety: get OUT of it!!!!! too much to do!!! too much to DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me:

[ihave2saysomething]

Being different

I have agoraphobia, when there is a lot of people around me or too close to me I became to feel really anxious, stressed and angry, like in a crowd or on the street. I never knew if I loved rain just because the streets become empty or because the feeling comforte me.

Anyway, this trouble cause me also social fear and umcapability at acting "as a robot" in society, I explain.

When I meet new people, I HAVE TO feel something's good, a good vibe, energy... or I will NEVER get close to someone.

I was bullied since my youngest age, from my family, kids at school etc. I CAN'T be myself even with my friends because I truly think that I'm too energetic for everyone and by the way hated from a lot.

My bf lives in a roommate with friends of mine but I know they tolerate me because Im his gf, not because they love me.

When I meet new people at work, classes etc I can't succeed of being close to them, because I need a social "approving" that Im not angering them like They giving me their phone number after They asked if they could or letting me know about the afterwork beer... these kind of bullshits.

I don't know if my personality is too much or if people that I usually met can't take the hammer in their ass off.

Each time, I'm getting stressed when I have to met new people cause Im difficult about seeking friends, because I have to find REAL people. Each time Im going out with a friend, I always have this little voice in my head saying "this is SO boring and you know she will not care after you while you are caring too much after her".

I usually care a lot for my friend, but when I care about them... they never care about me.

I feel too different at class, on the street, at work, it's like a trap. When I have to talk to someone that I don't know I'm scared because I fear being rejected and that's where begin anxiety. I fight this trouble since my youngest age, I don't remember just one moment of my life where I did not feel anxious...

It's eating me alive...

[ihave2saysomething]

Hypocrisy

I have an Instagram account... it can be curious for someone who hates herself... however, watching people's adventure enjoy but and kill me also...

I have some friends that I met while I was traveling, for a period... but a huge part of them arent what they are finally... they are just there for followers.

Maybe its the destiny of a huge part of humans after all... counting their followers instead of their friends.

I'd met a "known" dancer, we talked a moment and often during 2 months when suddenly, she disappeared just after I followed her on IG. I began to trust that a friendship is less important than 20k followers. It hurted me, because it conforted me in the idea that a human person can not being trust.

People are liars... and liars wears mask... meanwhile Im suffering when I discover who my "friends" truly are.

[ihave2saysomething]

"I like your butt"

My bf, who doesn't even care about what I say. Its been weeks and even month that I told him to do really important things like HIV test etc like passport ask (we will travel in jan) and nothing... and he doesn't touch me... even while saying these things...

I hate that feeling and that situation

[ihave2saysomething]

I wanna be someone's good

I'm trying to find the energy to fight for my dream but each day... it's harder or easier.

I have no idea about what will be my future, but I want to be different. No... I want to feel different.

I am who am I but my dark side is trying to swallow me into bigger problems than what I usually have to deal.

However... I have intentions but also troubles, cause to become what I want to be... I need to leave everything behind me, my job, my boyfriend and my family.

If the first one seems simple, it's not the case for the others...

I love the man who stand by me, even if he's not perfect, he loves me as I love him, and I know I can find courage in his speech.

Even if I hate my father... I can't let my mom, my aunt and my siblings. They mean too much for me.

Each days I keep wondering... what the hell am I doing with my life, and even if I know, it's hard to realize it... I don't trust in me because I know that I'm not good enough.

But maybe one day I will be fine... but for the moment I don't know...

I need to change everything... and it's what I need to do.

I want to realize my dream... finally

[ihave2saysomething]

I need help... can someone talk to me... please... I truly feel broke right now, I just need someone by my side who could listen to me...

[ihave2saysomething]

Help me... someone...?

[ihave2saysomething]

I don't know what's wrong with me

I feel truly hurt...

Each time I'm trying to make an effort, each time I try to be more confident, each time I'm trying to seduce him, each time I'm trying to be... me... he says no.

He repeats to me he's not sure... each time.

He plays with me because he wants something to happens tonight but after a long wait... nothing, because he doesn't want anymore.

I try so much to contain myself and I don't want to break him up.

I'm so in love with him... I should support him and not let him feel bad because he's not into it... but I can't... because it's been too long that this situation is torturing me...

I feel horrible...

I don't want to hurt him anymore...

I don't want to endure the pain of the reject anymore...

I don't want to be me anymore...

[ihave2saysomething]

Paradox

During more than a month, I searched a job constantly, sent CV and motivation letters, did interviews but nothing... Until I've found 2 weeks ago a job as a waitress in a small restaurant. Job is nice, employees are kind, boss is fine too. But curiously, I've never felt so empty in all my life ever.

It was such a joy to find another work in a good atmosphere... but I don't know why... I hate this situation.

I worked hard to find this opportunity and now that I have it... I clearly want to throw everything's up and run away.

It's like I'll never be able to do something else of my life, like I was stuck in the same obligations and pressure.

This same pressure who few months ago made me wondered if I was gonna kill myself.

I have no idea about what I'm doing or what should I do...

I'm passionate about music but I don't have enough practice to be good.

My bf miss me so much, even if I'm seeing him 4 days/week, he lives with our common friends in a roommate. And he's so into his cellphone games or spending his time watching tv with rommates or at work that we don't have any private moments anymore.

He miss me and I think I'm throwing my life up...

Do I need to start everything, getting into the unknown with the risk of losing all...

Or do I need to stay in my situation with the risk of getting it worst and losing myself...?

[ihave2saysomething]

[ihave2saysomething]

My body ashamed me

Few years ago, I had a strong sports routine and I was pretty satisfied with my body. I could eat almost everything and without worries, but it changed.

This year I had a depression and I took 5kg.

However, I'm 163cm for 65kg, so almost overweighting.

But even if it's not that bad, I can't look at myself in a mirror anymore. It's been 2 months I try to eat as well as possible with not a lot of results... and I hate myself more than everything.

I feel gross, truly bad, depressed and what's worst is that my bf food routine is horrible... his routine is composed by 1.5L of coke, 1 m&ms pack, McDonald's or SpeedRabbit (pizza brand), candy and tacos.

Each fucking time I'm dying when he's eating... and at my house it's also like that... roast chicken + french fries + ice cream + pies + tons of Lindt chocolates...

It's killing me and now I keep wondering if I'll be courageous enough to make me throw up...

I hate me, I am weak, I have fat, and my closest friends AND my family don't help me to deal with it. They just yelled "you're pathetic and boring stop complaining about your weight". But... if it was so simple than that, I would have done it, I will not be in this situation...

I know I am a mess and I truly hate me. My fat face, belly and thigs... I just want to disappear somewhere else, in a place where I'll feel finally good and fine with myself.

[ihave2saysomething]

What scares me the most/ childhood

Since my young age I have troubles.

I don't know if it was because of me or because people were just cruel, but at school it was a mess. I was the shy little girl who didn't care about barbie dolls or make up. I was just quiet, trying to do my best at school in a bad social environment.

I always had my mom and my aunt (mom's side) by my side... but life is more complicated when your father's gone. I think he just tried to be here cause he felt bad because of his behaviour, but today I hate him more than anything else due to who he is.

My father left when I was 2 and half yo. My mom didn't work at that time because she was taking care of me. He said he left because my mom was crazy, but Im absolutely sure it was because of the woman he married 6 months later. Anyway, it doesn't prevent him to not paying the bills and almost got myself and my mom to the street.

I don't know if the worst in my father was himself, his family or his wife, I think it's was the 3 at the same... like a deadly combination.

I had to endure my step-mother during 14 years. She was vicious, mean and even cruel with me. I'm sure that a big part of my actual problems came from her. She always treated me like a piece of shit.

For her, I was fat, ugly, stupid, a liar, a shame for the others and myself, and that I was so borring that even my own presence was disturbing. It looks like words... but when you've been treated that way during all of your childhood, how could you think of yourself in an other way?

I was innocent, scared by a lot of things and children were mean to me. At first it was insults but when I moved to secondary school, I was 10 almost 11 and it was a true nightmare.

I have curly hairs and my step-mother said it was so ugly, she used a hair-straighteners each time she said I looked awfull (so a lot). She destroyed my hairs and made them lools like dried straw. I still can hear the insults, feel the comb someone got in my hair while I was walking the corridor just to humiliate me. I still can hear a kid saying I was so ugly that my hair were made of old dried seaweeds. I can even remember the time where a boy came with his group, wedged me against a wall, trying to kiss me and touched me, I had to punch him to release me.

Two guys were harrassing me, in my class, and no one moved his ass to help me. I was alone until a girl came to talk to me... but she admitted later that if she came to talk to me first it was because my main teacher told it to do it. I felt ruin and meaningless. And I was. I just wanted friends and all I had was pity. Until that moment I knew I was and will ever be alone. Maybe it was better for me, no more hurts, but my anxiety and stress don't wanted to low themselves.

I've ever been really anxious and afraid of abandon and getting the others angry or bored, because of my father and his chick. But my grandmother was almost as cruel as my dad's chick. But she has something's more, she is a coward and a truly weak person. Always playing the victim for anything and fake crying just to exist on the other's eyes. But she actually is the pitiest person that I ever seen, it's like Satan was wearing rags just to capture someone to better destroy him.

My grandmother, my step-mother and my father tried to pose my mom as an evil person when she was the only one who sacrificed everything for me. And I trusted them, I was too young to just considered that even my family could be made of demons. I chatted with demons everydays, my mom was exhausted, my aunt just lost her husband meanwhile I, was alone and desperate.

But I know that sadly I'm not the only one...

[ihave2saysomething]

"I'll go up playing video games"

My bf tonight when we had to organize our future travel.

It's been 3 weeks that each day I'm telling him to organize it with me. To take just 2h of his time to help me. But nothing... he prefere playing video games.

He wanted to join me in my 1 month travel but he CAN'T save money and he CAN'T have a true priority sense.

He's totally out of the world sometimes and I can't understand why.

I truly feel like a trash right now, because he keeps saying that he will do some effort and that he loves me but I don't know wich one he's doing better these days.

Now he can't see that I'm extremely stressed and so mad at him because he's on his stupid fucking phone, watching 9gag stuffs and doesn't talk to me.

I'm so ashamed of myself and so mad at him... idk what to do... now I'm crying...

[ihave2saysomething]

Where did everything go wrong again

[ihave2saysomething]

My "don't give a shit" bf

"Pff, what are you doing?"

My bf when I tried to excite him 20min ago before being rejected and mock because I wanted him...

I truly feel horrible right now.

Now Im almost crying on my bed meanwhile he's playing on his phone and don't give a fuck about me.

[ihave2saysomething]

i hate that im sensitive and jealous and stupid and quiet and ugly and annoying