idiosyncraticfirelily-blog

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The Carnival of the Animals: XIII. Le cygne (The Swan) - Emanuel Feuermann

I honestly never realised my love for classical music till I heard this. It’s beautiful

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sorry but why would anyone not like Damon Salvatore? he’s just looking out for the people he loves. its the best anyone can do.

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Episode 49 killed me. I shed tears agh

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Stability

I am someone who hates routine. I have a routine at the moment because I have to. It’s the only way to get through high school while being organised. High school made me into a planner as well. If I had the choice I would do something different everyday. I’m creative, adventurous and completely driven by my feelings. I get extremely bored of doing the same thing over and over again no matter how stable it might be.

I see people talking about how they just want to be stable. To be honest it’s not on my mind even though I know it’s important.

As a kid growing up, my mum always tried to get me to stick to a sport but I often got bored of it. I always gave things a go for a short period of time and then wanted to move onto something different. But she always pressured me to stay committed to one thing. As the stubborn person I was and still am, I convinced her to let me quit but she still continued to discourage my adventurous attitude. I don’t think she saw it as adventurous though. I think she just thought I was a quitter. I guess I was but I was just bored of sports. Competition just isn’t as stimulating to me as it is to most people. I think the problem is also that I crave mental stimulation more than physical. Physical is obviously important too but both together would be the perfect mix for me. That’s why when I’m older I need to get the hell out of here and go travelling or something.

As I got older, when I told my mum about my ambitions mostly toward the arts, she encouraged it but said I need to have something stable on the side. I think that’s a smart option but I hate it. I wish society was different and that I didn’t always have to take the safe option because the safe option is boring as hell. It just irritates me that such a massive chunk of my personality has to be discouraged in this society.

I just hope that I’ll be able to make my dreams a reality because my biggest fear is getting stuck doing the same thing day after day. I want to do things that make me proud of myself and that I would love to brag about.

I want to experience everything. Most people can fit into one category but I want to fit into every category. I want to be everybody's friend, know everything and have seen everything. I don’t think my friends fit into one category either. They are all intelligent and creative but also have different unique characteristics. I get that everyone is different and I don’t mean to attack the world, it just seems that everyone is the same. Maybe because societies rules limit people just like it limits me. Maybe I need to look deeper within people because I’m only seeing what’s on the surface.

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Fear

I want to experience everything and I want to know everything but I'm afraid I'll get stuck.

I feel weighed down by people I care about because they don’t crave adventure and meaning in their lives like I do.

But I don’t want to leave because I care about them and my friends keep me sane.

But if I stay in this small and boring place, nothing exciting or significant would ever happen.

I crave success. Success is fulfilling your own personal wishes for yourself. This success is different for everyone.

My wishes for myself include living an extraordinary life, I’m afraid of being just like everyone else.

I want to find a romance that consumes me.

I want to make amazing and unique memories so I have interesting stories to tell new people I meet.

I’m an introvert but I love meeting new people. I hate being in big groups but I love the connections I can make with people one-on-one.

That’s why I need to get the hell out of here.

But what if I don't find what I’m looking for? What would be the point of leaving everything behind.

What if when I close one door, all the other doors are locked and I don’t have the key?

And I get stuck in a boring hallway doing normal people things like I’ve always feared, but worse, I have nobody by my side.

What if I leave and I am never close to anyone ever again and I live a cold and meaningless life.

That is a massive fear of mine.

But fear is the enemy, it holds you back more than anything else could.

Because I know if I leave, my family and friends would not lock the door behind me.

If I don’t find any open doors, friends an family would welcome me back with open arms.

If you think you're all alone, it’s an illusion created by fear. People are there to support you, just like they do with me.