hercherryblossomland

[hercherryblossomland]

You know what idk what I was thinking fuck food all it does this cause problems

When I'm eating I'm really ocd about like about the time I eat how much I eat and my meal plan and when I'm eating I want to eat at least one meal out of the day with my family I'm trying to "recover" I've eaten 4 days in a row now at least one to 2 meals each day with snacks and without laxing

(it was going ok physical as I was maintaining my weight if you're wondering but mentally not so well)

Anyway this is a huge deal for me considering I maybe eat 2x a week and am constantly laxing (please don't ever lax guys it's horrible) so yeah things weren't going the best mentally and at the beginning of this my mom said she would be there for me be the voice of reson and she would tell me if I really do gain weight or if it's in my head and also I just tell her all my thoughts so she could remind me how crazy they are so I've told her all of them today was real bad I was telling her how my brain was telling me

That if I get better everyone will think this was just for attention

That I'm getting bigger and my face is fatter

That I need to look sick be sick

Ect all the disordered thoughts and then some because I lax for more reasons than to loose weight long story short I have a fear that the food will never leave my body it'll just rot there there's a lot more to that but not what I'm here for

So today went a little off plan things ran later than they were supposed to and I needed to go grocery shopping for my week of eating and the family needed some stuff for there dinner (I have different dinner cuz I'm pescatarian) but I knew by the time we got done with grocery shopping then got home and they cooked they're dinner it would be late for me to eat also I thought maybe mom doesn't want to shop and cook so I made a suggestion that we just stop at the regular store by our house and she grab the bread she needs for dinner and I'll grab sushi or just some veggies to make a quick meal at home welp instead of just saying no it's fine I don't want to do that she got mad and had a fit and was like

we can just drive thew somewhere and I asked

how is that any different from what I suggested she replied

you always do this you change plans and make everything more complicated

I told her I was just trying to make things easier and I didn't want us to eat late but it's fine we can still go because if I don't go by tomorrow I won't have what I need to eat for the week

She said no we are not going at all we're just going home

I told her if we don't stop then I won't even have what I need to eat dinner tonight

She said I don't care you've been pushing for this all day talking about how fat you feel and your disorder you wanted this you wanted to not eat so then we were yelling and this is why I don't fucking deal with food cuz it only causes problems and arguments I'm done I really did want to get better but for her to throw all the feeling I told her back in my face and say I planed this I'm fucking done I binged and purged then took some laxatives (I'm pretty sure I'm bleeding inside cuz blood is coming out of both ends that's part of why I wanted to get better) so yeah this is my life this is what I deserve I guess

[hercherryblossomland]

My size 00s are fitting better not as much fat hanging over yes but sadly no matter what I do I can't loose anymore weight or get smaller and I recently had a major health scare trying to do this so I think it's time I stop for now and focus on maintaining maybe even recover 😅🙃 but not fully never fully I've gone from 270lb to 130-140 (I fluctuate 10 lb) in that time I've taught myself how to eat right and portion control how to exercise and enjoy it and many other skinny bitch habits lol I still have some things to work on but I'm going to have to be eating to fix those so nows the time I guess

I had pictures to show my progress but it's not letting me pot them for some reason

[hercherryblossomland]

No matter what I do I can't get under 130 I've been stuck here since August then I creep back up to 140

(which goes back down in 2 to 3 days and I never put any inches on from idk weird)

It's like my body wants to just stay in that zone I've tried everything I've even just straight up just stopped eating but it won't go down what do I do to get out of this

Send help 😢 😫 😭

[hercherryblossomland]

Does anyone ever feel like their family is gas lighting them like they are saying I haven't eaten in a week but I'm pretty sure it's only been like 4 days tops they say they can see my ribs a lot nope they are barely visible then they say my stomach is sunken in even if that were the case which it is not i have loose skin so you wouldn't be able to tell anyway they are trying to make me more crazy than I already am I swear lol 😅

[hercherryblossomland]

Has anyone here ever run/jogged till their feet bleed then keep running no just me ok welp at least I got my 6miles in and 11k steps before 7am I do this every morning I use to do the eliptical but that broke ugh 😑 oh well I like running and I do this on empty

[hercherryblossomland]

Omg what how guys ok this is a size 00 ik they don't fit still my fat is hanging over but the fact that I can even get these pants on and button them when at my biggest I was a size 26 is crazy I just have to loose a bit more so they'll fit me a little big but I never ever in my life thought this would be possible right now I'm a size 0-2 sometimes 4 depending on how I want the pants to fit in pants I need to keep going so these fit the way I want I can't believe how close I am I just wish I could see that in the mirror but I still see that size 26 girl I was maybe when these are big on me I'll see it ether way this is a small win I'm so close to the goal just have to keep going

[hercherryblossomland]

I never thought my wrist would be this small never thought I'd be able to wrap my index finger and thumb around it with a little room to spare so it's a little smaller than that I've made it to my GW yet still not enough I made this bracelet so I can watch it get loose on me I start tomorrow I've written down my new goals along with new rules I'm ready to get to my UGW hopefully I can do it the goal is to not eat well eat as little as possible till Thanksgiving (no I don't plan on eating a lot that day that's just the day I'll have to eat infront of family)

[hercherryblossomland]

Is there even that big of a difference? Why don't I feel like it? Why don't I see it? Why do I still feel huge? Why do I still feel I need to more? I'm also very scared of going back or getting even bigger than I was

I need an outsider opinion. Do I keep trying to lose more, or do I try to maintain?

[hercherryblossomland]

How much do I look like I weigh I've lost over 100 lb still have a ways to go but the body dysmorphia is killing me