healingcoldog333

[healingcoldog333]

“I can’t stand my arms” I say but now that I thought about it, I can’t stand any part of me. I live in long sleeves and socks way to long for casual wear. My hair entombs my face and tattoos cover my legs. I can’t help but hide. When I’m seen I’m never understood or given patience. I am an overwhelming burden that’s never truly accepted as sick enough.

I am only taken care of without judgment at hospitals. How sad.

[healingcoldog333]

Can you stomach it?

You shouldn’t have to.

[healingcoldog333]

I will suffer again and again.

[healingcoldog333]

I live and I ache

I ache

[healingcoldog333]

The constant feeling of discomfort

Feeling like I’m a stranger in my own skin

My body constantly failing me as result of my brain doing the same

[healingcoldog333]

A poem I never finished

[healingcoldog333]

How my mind continues to erode

Constantly fighting between comfort and reality

This addiction holds me tight as it plunges a knife into my back

it’s so sad, pleading with me in the night

To just let it hold me

Tighter then any person ever has

Like it use to

[healingcoldog333]

[healingcoldog333]

The cycle repeats

A few months good

A great month passes

Then slowly I feel the rot settling in

I can’t remember the last time I picked up a hobby

“What did you do today” I don’t know

I haven’t brushed my teeth for weeks

The bitter plague upon my body creeps it’s way into my bones

I can’t remember ever feeling good

Food doesn’t interest me, not that I can keep anything down

I can’t sleep

I spend nights getting lost in my blank white walls

The tv only ever background noise

People start to notice

“I’m worried about you”

“Don’t starve yourself tonight”

“You look malnourished”

“Stay safe”

“Be safe”

Night after night I am planning my own death but not by my own will

I try again and again to shake these thoughts

To stop exploring a way out and just push through it all

I try and I TRY AND I FIGHT

And fuck do I put up a good fight

Until suddenly I am more illness then person

I lose

I’m so exhausted

I sleep on the floor

[healingcoldog333]

I’ll be here

[healingcoldog333]

There is always a fog on my brain

Rarely does it lift or subside

So I am left dazed and blind

I am looking but never actually taking anything in

I am like a soul floating above it’s vessel

I am not real

Nothing is

[healingcoldog333]

The nights is quiet and still

My face is dry and my eyes empty

I’ve been on this road before

In front of me there is nothing

Just a deep void that seems to forever creep forward

I stare into it for a bit till a voice calls my name

I turn my head

A well fed lawn and white fence stare back at me

I look into the void again

I sit

I stare at the spot light above me

My movements continue to be slow and sloppy

The pavement is cold and I don’t have the energy to move

To choose

So I stay still

Hoping I would cease to exist

[healingcoldog333]

Sunday, January 14th, 2024

I’m self admitting to the psych on Tuesday. I’m not scared to go anymore, if anything I’m looking forward to it.

I’m very mentally unwell and I don’t want to hurt myself. I need new medication and a Therapist and a psychiatrist. Going is all around a good thing.. right?

I just feel so gross. I feel dirty and the small holes I dug into my wrist make me wanna throw up every time I see them. I keep crying for no reason and being ugly to the ones I hold dearest. I don’t feel like a person.

Never mind a good one. I am not a concept in my mind. Even if I was I believe down to my core I’m not worth anything. My worth is determined in how useful I am to other people. I am not the main character in my story. My feelings don’t matter. I am nothing but I wanna use my time for good. So I listen, I bandage wounds, I put up pills and blades that should of been put up years ago. I call for help but never for me.

I need to be taken care of for once

I miss when I loved myself. I miss when I didn’t loath the person I’ve become.

I’m ready to get proper help.

I want to be happy

[healingcoldog333]

The moment where you realize there truly is something wrong with you. You haven’t been making it up all these years.

I was right

Fuck..