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This is what I think. Addiction is just a way of trying to get at something else. Something bigger. Call it transcendence if you want, but it’s a fucked-up way, like a rat in a maze. We all want the same thing. We all have this hole. The thing you want offers relief, but it’s a trap.

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Requested

The Neighbourhood - Wires

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Love my honey ❤️

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fight or flight

Well hey there misfits and lost souls does anybody else in recovery ever have the feeling of complacency when they stay still for a while? I mean not that it's happening at the moment luckily I've been doing quite well over the weeks leading up to and following the recent holidays. I'm curious though if it's a particular amount or lack there is of the 12 step program. I've benefitted in the past from doing the steps but to be honest never really could get on board with being "powerless” or giving my self will up to a so called higher power. Maybe the fact I fell victim to seeing myself as one and found it hard to blindly believe in something that's allowed me to go through the amount of hardship I had to. 

So I'm curious I guess about if others have the same feelings or have had. What has previously worked in my life has been just simple support. I'm a firm believer that when an Addict feels they won't be shamed or made to feel like they are hurting everyone around them, they're more so likely to come clean about the hurt they're dealing with and trust they'll be loved anyways, supported anyways, and have a place to rest their head and try for recovery. Though people don't understand that when an addict comes clean or at times get caught red handed (sometimes that's the extreme needed, for them to be honest) and whoever  loves them and reacts in a way that is either attacking them or attempting to get through by saying things like “"how could you do this to me, and your family how can you live this way you're cut off until you're clean etc” that immediately creates *flight mode* that addict will react back, likely shut down feeling anger and their demons will likely cause them to run. Not only does that cause them to spiral out and hide but they definitely won't come to you for help ever again. So yep you'll possibly lose them which isn't what you wanted of course and you're left without.

I guess I just need to try new things and keep an open mind I believe in a greater power I just have a hard time feeling connected. Anyone else get that?

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#bare

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I’ve been away from regular feel good things lately, for example I never blog anymore when I was doing it quite frequently before. So it puts me into this like, dark place where nothing matters. Everything is the same day after day, I get more and more tired as the days go on, and it takes so much strength to pull myself out of that not to mention I’m often overwhelmed and knowing what I need to do to fix it I freeze up and just hide away from dealing with anything or self medicate my negativity instead of facing it head on. It’s quite exhausting honestly, it makes me not like being who I am because I just can’t fucking get to a place where I’m not depressed and hating myself.. I know everything I need to do, go to counselling, go to groups for mental health possibly get onto some sort of medication for having BPD, stop isolating and try to socialize, keep busy, make sure that I’m taking care of myself, so many things I know help, so many different options for me to choose from but STILL FUCKING CAN’T GET IT RIGHT. 

Like why do I have to be stuck with a brain like mine. Can someone trade me pretty please? I have a lot of trauma lingering in the back on my mind that I haven’t dealt with and that fucking terrifies me to think about going through. I mean it’s gotten to the point where I’m crying my face off in the shower some days and that’s supposed to be cleansing so maybe that’s how I will get over everything? Or am I just going to be one of those cases where I start and open those gates of hell that are holding in my awful situations that I don’t want to think about, and I just end up being broken for the rest of my life and never stop crying in the shower ,wishing I could sleep forever, and constantly feel like I don’t deserve to be happy.

Well.. I’m trying I guess, hence the post :) Send some prayers my way.

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Haven’t touched base on here for a while, probably because I totally ate shit at life and slipped and was in an emotional spot full of self hate, shame, and dissapointment in myself. Things didn’t go as far as a relapse so I’m not calling it that, I call it instead a slip because that’s all it was only 4 hours of complete fuckery that I just spun out of control and went ass backwards in my program. 

I’m in alot of ways very proud of myself simply because it could have gone so much worse. I’m a chronic relapser, I have tried so many times to get better and every time it hasn’t worked mostly because I found it impossible to be honest with myself and those around me. So the fact that I got out of this with only a few scrapes and bruises, and the time I had before hand didn’t just get pissed away means a whole lot to me. When I look back on the weeks before I slipped I can literally see exactly where and how it happened. I slowly put a positive thing down one day at a time, stopped reading literature, meditating, step work, going to meetings, one thing at a time was put down and it caused the obsessive thoughts of using creep in one small bit at a time until it consumed my every being. I tried to cry out and it was as if I couldn’t speak up loud enough. I was drowning and instead of doing everything I knew I should have done, and avoiding everything I did, like I had all the signs and gut feelings of making a mistake but I still went through with it and that’s something I will learn from in the future. 

As long as there’s a lesson that you can learn when you make a mistake then you’ll be golden. Honestly when I look back on it, I see why it had to happen. My higher power was like, okay you wanna continue to obsess about it? Here’s a taste of what you’re missing so much. It was TOTAL hell, it was the worst day of my life. Then the following week was awful too. The first 2 days after I was crying and hating life so much I felt so upset with myself. I’ve also never been that sick from taking drugs before in my life, I honestly had to call in work for 2 days. Then the following 4 days I was just feeling sad. Feeling like wow, you’re reeeally a winner aren’t you. That drilled into my head exactly why I need to stay clean and how much important amazing things are in my life right now. I hurt not only myself in the process of picking up and the lying afterwards but I also hurt the people I love indirectly. Honesty is one of the most important things in my life right now, and when I lied about what I did I felt so ashamed. It took me 2 days to finally come clean, and when I did I cried for 6 hours afterwards and felt so much weight come off of me afterwards it’s amazing.

So I just keep on telling myself  “girl this had to happen, you’re so much stronger for it. You have so many things going for you that are amazing, and the potential is incredible. Keep on keeping on” that causes me to think in a way that is just healthier for me, and I can try my best to be who I know I have the gifts to be. Hope all is well guys, and anyone who needs to talk I’m here just message me :) 

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baby it’s cold outside.

Man oh man I am so unbelievably STOKED for cold weather!! 

I have always been a huge fan of being snuggly warm in scarves, and boots, mittens, fuzzy warm thigh high socks ahhh!! I’ve never been a huge fan of the heat in the summer, god knows I love everything else but when it gets way too hot I can’t cut it. I get swollen, and sweat like crazy so it’s useless wearing make up, and I’m sensitive to the sun so I can’t sit in it too long without getting skin irritations so its not my favorite time of the year. Honestly my all time favorite is Autumn. When the leaves are falling, but it’s not too cold yet. It’s crisp and the air starts to smell like Halloween. I also am a huge fan of spring, I love the smells of the flowers blooming it’s so beautiful all the cherry blossoms! I don’t enjoy the snow. I love the look of it, but I don’t like the fact that it’s wet and very cold. I am an April baby, my star sign is Taurus. So I love to stay home, I love to cook, and I LOVE to cuddle up with tea and a blanket with comfy ASF socks on. 

My body doesn’t respond well to the cold weather and I’m in constant pain but I have reached a point where I’m no longer very depressed about it. Of course I have my days, but my head space is inevitably like “whatever I can’t change it, I wont allow it to bring me down, and control my mental health too.” That’s something that I can control, my reaction, the way I cope, and choose to handle my pain. I am able to make sure that I take care of myself mentally because it makes it easier. I can take it how it is, I can choose to smile and enjoy my days. I don’t need to let it make me into an unable, sad, lump on a log. I can take it like a champ, do the things I need to do to get through to the other side, and tell myself that it’s not forever, it is going to go away, and with patience I will make it. 

Everything is temporary in life. One of the main things that’s helped me stay clean, despite all of these issues, is telling myself things are temporary. Sadly the happy times are as well, but they come back. We wont be sad forever, we wont be sick forever, we wont be in one mood forever. If you can make it through, you will get there again. The trick is finding what brings you there and do it more often. Make note of the things that work for you, and do them as often as possible. Hobbies, and self care. Making sure you are doing things for you. I am notorious for starting hobbies and never finishing, or getting bored and tossing it aside, so I’ve made a habit of making sure that I finish things that I start because it’s important. If you’re constantly leaving things unfinished you get lazy. I eventually have a bunch of unfinished projects. So when I started to get things done, I felt so much better because I had sense of accomplishment. It was important to me, it gave me confidence. 

The longer I stay clean the happier I get, I have more confidence like the weather being colder. I feel more able to stay mentally healthy when it comes to my health, yes I am going to go through alot of pain, alot of days will consist of me being fed up but I can say with confidence that I can do it. I’m keeping my head high, one day at a time, and with that I hope you all enjoy your cozy sweater weather. 

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(via Pinterest)

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I’m okay.

I will be okay.

My chin will be pushed high, willingly or not. 

I will shine.

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invisible bruises.

I am a prisoner in my own body. My everyday struggle to try and be a normal human being, seems completely impossible right now. The worst part about it is the fact that I look totally normal, I have an invisible illness, similar to mental health usually when people can’t see your problems, they don’t take them seriously. Trying to explain how I feel and hearing myself complain about it multiple times a day gets irritating TO ME, I can only imagine how other people must feel having to hear it over and over, accompanied by not feeling or seeing my pain so they can’t relate nor can they help in anyway so eventually they just smile and nod and show slight sympathy towards to matter.

The best way that I can describe the way that my body feels right now would be like, as if I just got hit by a bus and my entire body is bruised so being touched, hugged, cuddled, rubbed in anyway legit hurts pretty badly. Like I worked out every single muscle in my body, to extreme lengths and this is the healing process. So everyday tasks take on a whole new level of effort. I’m also tired, and have broken sleeps every night so I’m not resting properly. I don’t like complaining all the day, I’m not one for being stoked about it or let it go unnoticed when I am constantly hearing negative things come out of my mouth. It gets me right down, it really effects me in a drastic negative way. I get depressed, and unwilling to get going. I’m overwhelmed by the low level of energy and the pain along with it just, gets to be a lot.  

So I guess I just have to try and live in the solution instead of the problem. I need to eat foods that alleviate inflammation, ie: sugars, carbs, fatty foods (harmful fat) and just all around crap food your body doesn’t respond well too. I need to do more yoga stretches (light ones) because that will get my blood flowing in the right places. I need to do as much as I possibly can to shine positivity on my mind. My mental health has become so important to me, it really is night and day the person I was in my addiction compared to now. I genuinely want to be clean, and I can see a future for myself a year from now still going strong and changing my life one day at a time. 

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Tania Gault

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no shame in my weed game.

I honestly have a huge negative opinion towards doctors right now, I mean my methadone doctor is super nice and awesome, but I just met someone who I was hoping to be my new GP and he was so rude and judgmental I was a little taken back. You would think that doctors are more favorable towards cannabis since it’s literally proven medically to be insanely beneficial? I mean at this point first of all I live in Canada, and it’s legal here now. Pretty much I think, and so it’s pretty soon going to be sold in corner stores, which isn’t too different than now since there’s basically a dispensary on every corner already. However at this point like I was saying it’s basically legal, it’s everywhere, I’m sure he is clearly closed minded and stuck on the myth that “weed is addictive” okay?...... you know that would make alot of sense except you can pretty likely get addicted to literally anything. There’s people addicted to eating god damn paint. So the fact that you were so put off about me since I smoke pot, and you just casually waved through the fact I smoke 12 cigarettes like it’s nothing just shows that you’re not the most educated on recent studies.

Not only has cannabis been proven to have an incredible amount of health benefits to it, but it has been proven to help me.. in recent studies, Mr. Doctor-Man. So I mean, it shows huge the fact that I can manage my life and not be completely bed ridden seeing how I’m sure the factor that I smoke weed every single day to help with my pain, since I really do have health issues. I know of course since I’m a drug addict then I must be totally fucked up and not have any idea wtf I’m talking about and the diagnosis’ that I’ve been given are either me lying or totally wrong and again comes down to me not knowing wtf I’m talking about. I have a massive problem with doctors looking down on me, talking to me like I’m a dumb child. or as though I have no legitimate information. I’m also a firm believer that doctors are often taught when they take medical schooling that chemicals are the only thing that will help, and the schools are often funded by “big pharma” so of course it’s going to be drilled into their minds in school that people need it.. I guess now it’s whatever seeing how they are making weed legal, of course so they can capitalize on it. It’s an expensive unclaimed industry that now the government is able to control and tax. 

What do I know though I’m just a stoner, recovering drug addict. 

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