futurefashion01

[futurefashion01]

rewatching sophomore year (again) and thinking about riz gukgak and his relationship to work/sacrifice as an expression of love.

riz's decision to run himself into the ground in junior year for the sake of the people he loves (who did not ask him to) being the direct result of his conversation with his dad during sophomore year.

pok gukgak in sophomore year looking his son in the eyes and telling him "work is an act of love". riz's idea of a perfect heaven being to work forever without repercussion. his greatest fears being prioritizing his own needs above the case. riz staying up all night the night before school after 3 days of driving back to solace making intricate conspiracy boards and dossiers about what exactly needs to happen for him and his friends to secure the best possible futures they can where theyre still together. putting kristen on his back and taking on tons of stress for the sake of helping her achieve something she wants.

and of course pok's conversation was a contributing factor in this mentality, clearly, but i would like to point out ANOTHER: sklonda gukgak.

pok may have verbally endorsed this behavior of putting others above ur own needs to show ur affection, but sklonda was the living example.

riz spent his entire childhood seeing his mother exhausted, overworked, and struggling just to make sure he had food on the table and a roof over his head.

(theres a scene in i believe freshman year ((possibly during riz's intro in episode 1?)) where she makes cereal for the both of them and i think uses water in hers so he can have milk???))

like of course pok shouldnt have told his young impressionable son that damaging yourself for someone else is love. but riz was already damaging himself for the people he loves.

riz knows his mother loves him more than anything. he never once doubts it. and he knows it bc he sees her practically killing herself to provide for him. love is not only acts of service but complete and utter sacrifice.

work is an act of love so work urself to the edge of death.

work is an act of love so give up your health, your wants, your desires, your identity.

work is an act of love. so never stop working.

[futurefashion01]

You ever been in a state where you physically have no energy, but you're bored and socially understimulated so you kind of wish you could just invite people to come over like this:

[futurefashion01]

I can’t wait till I get my insurance back next year so that I can start showing these posts to atherapist

[futurefashion01]

[futurefashion01]

magic mommy supercut

[futurefashion01]

Getting told at family Thanksgiving that your lesbian sister is more butch than you as a trans man

Followed by a lesson in masculinity by your older guy cousins because they don’t understand you’re transitioning into a flamboyant queer guy and not a manly man

[futurefashion01]

do you ever start writing a comment on the internet and then think “oh what the fuck am i going on about” and delete it

[futurefashion01]

Maybe I’ll never feel clean

Maybe I’ll be dirty until I can be boiled and sanitized

[futurefashion01]

How am I supposed to focus on anything with the words “ biblically accurate Criss angel Mindfreak” in my head?

[futurefashion01]

I must not be good, as I did not die young

I must be wicked, as I get no rest

[futurefashion01]

I must be wicked, as I get no rest

[futurefashion01]

I am not resilient

I am hopeful

I am spiteful

I am determined

I understand that I don’t want to keep going

I understand that I need to keep going

I can’t promise to make it through

But I can promise to keep trying

[futurefashion01]

I really just need time to collapse in exhaustion and grief alone. I’m always around people and therefore have to be as “put together” as I can manage, which is lessened every day that I’m unable to collapse and recollect.

I understand that I am so lucky to finally have a pretty good job and friends who want to see me and family that wants to talk, but I’m exhausted and have always had a low social battery.

I’m so tired all the time from work and life and family and friends and trying to take care of my (deteriorating) health while also trying to keep up appearances. I’ve barely had more than a few hours truly to myself in the last 4 months at least.

I’m hopeful that I will have recovery time when I get my insurance back and check myself in the psych ward in January, but I have to make it there and make sure everything falls in place or I’m fucked.

I’m just a marionette doll being held up by my last few fraying strings and telling myself the show must go on.

[futurefashion01]

I can’t explain it but it feels special and good when the first snow of the season is on your birthday

[futurefashion01]

I can’t do this

Except that I can

And I know I can because I will

[futurefashion01]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHGGGGGG!!!

 I am trying I swear I’m trying God I’m trying so hard please believe me I swear to you I’m trying you’ve got to believe me dear God please believe me I’m trying so hard you have to know that I’m trying see me see me trying I’m trying

[futurefashion01]

Mismag petplay supercut /j

Truly just so that I can send this to my friends who don’t watch mismag so they can understand the kind of shit I’m experiencing