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[friendlyadviceuniverse-blog]

Lately my bf refuses to shower or bathe of any kind. He expects me to cuddle or have sex with him but he always just reeks of b.o. He says it's too much of a Hassel but I refuse to sleep with him bc of it. Is there any way I can bring it up nicely without offending him. Like I always shower and clean up. Especially if I'm seeing him I'll make sure I at least smell nice.

It’s possible - maybe even likely - that he will be offended when you bring this up. And honestly, I think he’s just going to have to deal with that - not stinking is a pretty basic requirement of living in society, as opposed to a cave in the woods. Even if he has special needs of some kind, such as severe depression, that make showering difficult, he still needs to figure something out.

I would say something like this.

“I love being with you physically, but you smell really bad because you haven’t been bathing. I really have to insist that you start bathing regularly. Until then, no cuddling and no sex.”

If he refuses, that’s his choice, but it’s also your choice to decide if you want to be with someone who chooses to smell like the backside of a water buffalo.

[friendlyadviceuniverse-blog]

So I was giving my boyfriend one last try. I took him to a family wedding&event and he embarrassed me. He complained about everything. he made everything about himself. He told things to my family that I didn't want anyone to know & made me seem like all I do is sleep. I didn't want to start any arguments while we were away. But now that I see his true colors I don't know what I will do. I've given him so many chances to help me fix our relationship and to own up to his mistakes. Any advice

The person you’re dating should make you feel good, not bad. Sure, everybody makes mistakes, and relationships take work, but he’s failed on multiple fronts, and given that you were giving him “one last try,” I’m assuming this isn’t the first time.

My advice is to break up and move on. Tell him in whatever way feels safest, but be clear. He might beg and plead - stay calm. You can simply say, “This isn’t working anymore. Goodbye.” Then go. Give yourself (and him) some space - don’t engage with him if you don’t have to. If his behavior gets scary - if he starts stalking you or anything like that, let family and friends know about the situation and do whatever you can to protect yourself, including documenting the behaviors (with proof, if possible, such as screenshots of texts, in case you need to get legal help).

May you meet people who treat you better in the future. <3

[friendlyadviceuniverse-blog]

I have a lot of things to do, I study very difficult subjects. My parents wanted that for me and I did what they wanted, I hardly have time for myself but I'm kind of used to that, now my parents keep asking me when will I find a boyfriend. It's making me anxious Idk what to answer. I don't really have much time, I also have very few friends and I'm always busy anyways. I don't think I have time to find a bf when I can't even meet with friends on weekend. Idk I think I have burnout or break down

When your parents (or anybody else) asks you about getting a boyfriend, it’s perfectly acceptable to say, “I’m focused on my studies/career/hobbies right now.” There is no need to be dating anyone at any given time.

I don’t want you to burn out or break down, so here are some general tips about managing your time and work-life balance.

Clear Out Time for Yourself

Set aside certain periods of time, as your schedule allows, to do things you enjoy. This could be going for a walk/run every morning for an hour and listening to music/podcasts. It could be keeping Saturday mornings clear so you can visit a cafe and read. You could dedicate your entire Tuesday (or whatever day works) to not working and taking some time for yourself. The point is that a certain segment of your time would be dedicated to relaxing - this is not as some people might say, laziness. I’m not a scientist, but we are not meant to function in GOTTA GET IT DONE mode 24/7. We NEED time to decompress or we’ll break down and be completely useless.

Plan for Your Responsibilities

Take stock of everything you have to do; I’m a big fan of lists, personally. Then, think about ways you could tackle them more efficiently. For example, if you realize that you find studying more effective at a certain time of day, plan on studying then. Break large tasks down into smaller stages, if that’s helpful. For example, if you have some sort of research project coming up, figure out the steps (Plan - Gather Information - Organize Information - Write Paper - Revise Paper). You know your schedule and what you need to do best - taking some time to figure out how to do it effectively and efficiently might go a long way towards keeping your workload manageable.

Use Your Resources

Are there resources you could be using but aren’t? Tutors, coaches, study groups, and academic centers? Identify the big problems that you’re facing, and ask yourself if there are ways to address them. For instance, if you find yourself getting swamped with dozens of different tasks and having a hard time with deadlines and keeping everything straight, I would recommend keeping some sort of planner or calendar to remind yourself of deadlines and to schedule things for yourself so you stay on task - there are also probably apps and online tools that can help as well.

Get Help

 If you think you need help, try seeking it out. This could be something like a tutor or friend to help you study for something you’re struggling with, or it could be counseling if you feel your mental health is suffering. Writing to this blog was a form of asking for help! But there may be more specific services that can help you in a more personalized way.

Start Saying No

 If you’re overloaded with things to do, start saying NO to things when you can. I understand that you won’t be able to avoid everything, but if you’ve gotten in the habit of taking on too many things, it’s a good idea to retrain yourself to stop accepting responsibilities you can’t reasonably handle. There’s no shame in saying, “Actually, I’m very busy right now, and I don’t feel that I could give _________ the attention it deserves.”

Drop Things if You Can

 Remember the list of responsibilities from before? If you have too much going on, it may be time to decide if some of those things should be removed. You won’t be able to drop everything - classes, for instance, but if you’re involved in things like clubs, student government, and so on, you may need to remove/pull back on some of them so that you can give your other priorities the attention that they need.

Best of luck, and take care of yourself!

[friendlyadviceuniverse-blog]

Is it normal for your mom to tell you that you have no rights in your household since you live under her roof?That basically you’re subhuman and must be obedient to your parents? She’s been telling me this since I was a little kid and no I don’t know what to think. I’m not a bad person

It’s pretty typical for parents to exercise authority over their kids, assuming their kids are still minors, of course. Telling you that you have “no rights” could be the sort of thing people say, not meaning it literally. For instance, when your mother says to clean your room, and you refuse on the grounds that you have rights, to which she might respond, “You have no rights, you’re a kid,” but what she really means is to just clean your room.

It could also be part of actual abuse. I can’t tell you whether or not you’re being abused or in a dangerous situation because it’s beyond the scope of this blog. I recommend reaching out to a professional for help. Here are some resources you can use to learn more or to reach out, should you feel the need. If you’re under 18, you can also reach out to a teacher or counselor at school or to a medical professional - they will be legally required to alert the proper authorities.

Possible abuse aside, here’s what I think about parent-child relationships in regard to respect and obedience.

A parent’s job, when a child is still a child, is to raise that child, take care of them, nurture them, and keep them safe. This often means influencing their kid through their parental authority - children aren’t generally in a good position to make decisions for themselves, which is why parental authorization is required on all sorts of things for legal reasons (like medical procedures, for instance). As a kid gets older, however, they will naturally gain more and more freedom, as appropriate.

The parent’s job is not, however, to make a child feel “subhuman”. Parents are a guide, but ultimately they’re there to help the kid, not hurt them, and if their presence in your life is overwhelmingly negative, I’d say that something has gone amiss. Sometimes, as mentioned above, it can be abuse, and other times it can simply be a troubled or toxic relationship where something like family counseling might be needed. And some parents, unfortunately, are downright awful, dangerous people.

So if you think you can do so safely, speak to your mom about your concerns. If you can’t because you think this could be abuse, reach out for help and survive in whatever way you can. That might mean forming a support network of friends and other family members, saving up money to get your own place, and letting others know what’s going on so they can help you out in their own way.

I can’t say much more without knowing more specifics about your situation, but I wish you the best of luck.

[friendlyadviceuniverse-blog]

(6) because my friend hasn’t texted me back and it’s been over a week, she just took all her stuff and ghosted me. I apologize again and told her I wanted to work things out. Now I’m feeling like a terrible person. I must have really screwed up and I just don’t know what to do. We never fought before but if I did something wrong or something she didn’t like, I would try to change my behavior and fix it. But I can’t do that if she won’t talk to me. I feel very hurt and guilty.

(7) overall I know I hurt my friend, I know I was a bad friend and was mean and I could’ve been better. I want to change and fix myself, but it’s always so hard. I feel like I’m such a toxic friend an. every time I list all my flaws, the list feels so long and I feel overwhelmed and awful, but I really want to change and feel better, I just don’t know where to start or how to forgive Sorry this was such a mess :/ Thanks for your time :)

*Additional messages omitted due to length

I apologize for the delay in my response, but this was a big one, and I wanted to give myself time to think about it, and you time to cool down a bit from the events you’ve described.

It sounds to me like your friend needs some space, and it sounds like you’d benefit from it as well. Chasing after her is not going to help in this situation - tempers are heated, emotions are running  high, and everyone needs a bit of time to process and calm down before further steps are taken.

Give her some time (I’d suggest….another week?), and then try reaching out again. Keep your message short and to the point. Something like, “I realize that trip was a bit of a disaster, and I’m really sorry about how it all went down. I [identify precisely what you did], and I’m very sorry about it. If you’re ever ready to be friends again, let me know because I really don’t want to lose our friendship over this.”

And then leave her alone. Let her be the one to come to you.

I get that right now you’re feeling the urge to apologize frantically so that you can just deal with the problem, and then everything will be okay again, but you can’t change the past, only acknowledge it and move forward. Unfortunately, your friend might decide she’s not interested in patching things up - that’s her choice, and she has every right to make it (and so do you). You can’t force people to stay in their life (cuz that’s a crime) - they have to want to be there. So if that’s how she decides, you’ll feel disappointed and sad for a while, and then you’ll go out and make new friends and hopefully learn how to maintain healthier relationships.

Everything in part 7 of your submission suggests to me that you’ve got a lot going on in your head (not to mention your family) right now, and I really think you might benefit from some professional help (if needed, you can ask about sliding scale pay options to find an affordable setup) - somebody who can sit with you and talk about all of this in detail, and help you identify why you feel/act the way you do, and help you work through ways to improve your relationship skills. It’s a slow process, but as they say, Rome wasn’t built in a day, and I think your mental health and happiness are worth the time and effort.

Good luck!

[friendlyadviceuniverse-blog]

I made friends w my coworker. She's going thru a tough divorce. I been there when she needs a friend. She's a very over the top positive person. BUT. Lately she's been getting super clingy. I posted my art online & she keeps telling me I have to draw her stuff. she then wants me to go &sell my art. She's so into my life even tho I told her no I don't want to do such and such. I just can't figure out what I could do.

The big thing is to strengthen your boundaries. Firm and clear is not the same thing as mean, but they often come off the same way, and she’s just gonna have to deal with that. State things very simply such as, “I prefer to keep my art private/as a hobby.” And if it comes up again, it’s okay to put your foot down. “I already said I wasn’t interested.” It’s okay to reassure her (”I like you, [lady’s name], and I’m still your friend, it’s just that you push too hard sometimes.”), but it’s very likely she’s going to be slightly hurt by this. I think it will pass. People who ignore your boundaries often need that firm barrier for them to get it. Repeatedly changing the subject when certain problem topics come up may also help get the message across. 

Ultimately, remember that she’s your friend, and she probably thinks what she’s doing is fine. Compassionate honesty is your friend, but don’t be afraid to be firm if you need to be.

[friendlyadviceuniverse-blog]

my guy &I have been dating for awhile. But sometimes we have months of great happiness and then there are times it goes to sh*t. I'm usually the one to keep the ship afloat. But I also realize if things are going well for me outside my relationship then things aren't going well in my relationship. It's never both going well at the same time. I just don't know how I can fix this. I don't want to just break up over a lil issue.

I’m going to address this one in parts.

“I don’t want to just break up over a lil’ issue.”

I question whether a relationship “going to sh*t” is actually a “lil’ issue”. It’s tempting to view the negatives as always being outweighed by the positives (because positive is nice!), but that doesn’t necessarily translate into reality. If I’m eating a sandwich made with amazing fillings but terrible bread, the amazing fillings aren’t necessarily enough to make a good sandwich. Similarly, a relationship has to be viewed as a whole, not merely by its parts. Sure, you have good times, but the bad times exist as well. Whether they’re bad enough to actually end the relationshps depends on the people involved, but it’s at least a fair question.

“I’m usually the one to keep the ship afloat.”

This worries me. Relationships require two people (or more, if non-monogamy is involved). If the relationship is sinking, it’s gonna get pretty exhausting if you’re the only one bailing water out of it - what’s he doing to help the relationship out?

Your statement worries me because it implies that he isn’t doing anything to work on the relationship when it isn’t so great. Soooo……does he care about the relationship? Is it something that’s important to him, why isn’t he recognizing that things need to be done to preserve it? If it’s more of a casual thing, that’s fine, but only if it’s fine with everybody involved. You do not have to stay in a committed relationship with someone who isn’t committed to it themselves.

“…if things are going well for me outside my relationship then things aren’t going well for me in my relationship.”

Is it because all of your time and effort is going towards the relationship in order to save it? And does it require this because you’re the only one trying to save it? Relationships require effort, but it shouldn’t be all-consuming, at least not all of the time.

“I just don’t know how I can fix this.”

Again, why is it that YOU are the one who has to fix this? You have your part to play, but what about him?

I realize this all probably sounds harsh, particularly the stuff regarding your boyfriend. I am not saying that you should break up with him. What I’m saying is that that option should always be on the table because you deserve a relationship that doesn’t regularly fall apart the instant you stop coddling it. You deserve a relationship where the other person is as invested in it as you are. You deserve a relationship. If your relationship isn’t giving you those things, and it doesn’t seem fixable, then breaking up is probably the best course of action.

It’s okay to be single. This relationship is almost certainly not the only one you’ll ever experience.

That being said, you asked me how to fix it, and the only way I know of is to talk about this with your boyfriend. Identify the specific problems, what triggers them, and discuss possible solutions. Try them, assess the results, keep communicating with each other, and adjust as needed.

Relationship falling apart isn’t very specific. Not talking? Are there practical issues like scheduling time to be together? Are you two fighting? IF you’re fighting, what is it about?

Some things you might want to talk about:

What do you both want out of the relationship?

What do you love about the other person?

What things frustrate you about the relationship?

What could the other person do differently to make you feel better?

What do you think you could improve on for your partner’s sake?

Best of luck, my friend. Talk to one another, and don’t be afraid to seek the relationship that you want and need, either from him, or from someone else if he can’t give you that.

[friendlyadviceuniverse-blog]

About 2 months ago, I broke up with my bf of 3 years. It wasn’t too messy, but completely heartbreaking. We both still love each other dearly but his career was changing a lot along with his priorities and it just wasn’t the life I wanted or what we thought we’d have together. I’m American, and he’s English. I moved to the U.K. to be with him but after our breakup, I decide to move back to the states. I haven’t talked to him in a couple weeks, I noticed that after we broke up, he really (cont)

dived into his work which I was proud of but also made me sad since it showed how much his priorities and whatnot had really, really changed and he isn’t the same person I fell in love with, although I do still love him. Anyway, he came to say goodbye to me today as I leave to go back to America in a couple days and we ended up hooking up. It was great, and everything, not only the sex, felt like old times. I saw the version of him I fell for and missed. (Cont)

But I know the version that isn’t right for me is still there, even if it wasn’t present the night we spent together. I’m really upset now though and feel like I gave up something great. When we broke up, he had changed a lot and while I know he’s still like that, this one last night felt like that version of him was gone and I really miss him now. I’m angry at myself and back to be completely and utterly heartbroken again. Am I making the wrong choice? Was sleeping with him the wrong choice? :(————————————

Every once in a while, I get a submission that so perfectly matches other advice I’ve seen elsewhere, that I just post a link. Because honestly, I think Captain Awkward put it better than I ever could.

Best of luck!

[friendlyadviceuniverse-blog]

(Not Providing Links) I am a public figure in advertising and model for my university. I do shoots with a girl (total bitch btw) that get published and are a meme of sorts on campus. Yesterday I find out that another student infamous for doing edgy porn on hentai-foundry posted porn of be railing the girl from the shoot. We are all adults, live in the us, the school won’t do anything, the “artist” uses parody as a shield, the bitch girl likes it because “expression”, I’m a guy and hate this.

*Other entries omitted for length*

I wish I could give you lots of direct advice, but this is honestly a bit out of the area of things I know much about. Your first step should be contacting someone who knows how to handle these situations, potentially someone at the school (I know you said they won’t help, but have you exhausted all of your options? Are there other departments that might be relevant?), the authorities, a lawyer who has experience with harassment cases, or even the administrators of the site where this was posted.

I’d also recommend documenting everything - the artwork itself, your conversations with everyone involved - screenshot like crazy. You may find you need it in the future.

But ultimately, it may be that there isn’t much you can do about this. It’s up to you how hard you fight it, but there are a few things to keep in mind. The first is that, ultimately, you can’t control the actions of another person, and you aren’t responsible for what anybody posts online, even if the artist uses your face. Your best bet might just be blocking the website and the artist on all social media you can and trying to move on. I doubt the pic will get around as much as you’re afraid it will, but even if it does get back to peers, family, pastors, etc… my advice is to give a short explanation that doesn’t give the art more power than it deserves. Something like, “Yeah, somebody I went to college with thought it was funny to draw and post that stuff. I don’t like it, so I just try not to think about it too much.” And then move on. If people judge you for it, then excuse me, but they’re being extremely foolish. 1.) There’s nothing wrong with porn, but 2.) Even if there was, this reflects on the actions of the artist, not you.

[friendlyadviceuniverse-blog]

I always seem stressed whenever my friend wants to meet up. She lives over 1 hr away. But she doesn't know how to drive and she never has a ride. Every time we meet up she expects me to drive everywhere. And to get to her I have to pay tolls $6+ each way. But she never meets me in the middle. And she never offers to pay even for parking. To get to her and back home is over 120 miles. I miss her when we used to hang out when she lived nearby but she always expects me to drive to her.

I answered a question very similar to this one recently.

[friendlyadviceuniverse-blog]

P1: I feel like my friend& I are having issues. We always say we'll meet up. I work 5 days a week& my days off she has school. She gets mad/jealous if I go out w my boyfriend on my day(s) off. But she doesn't make the effort to meet up on days she's free. I don't get y it's okay for her to be mad at me&not the other way around. I told her I'd go drive to her (over an hour drive). But she never commits on a day. She'll tell me the day after that she wanted to meet up. Everytime I try to talk

P2: to her she either ignores me or the question. It’s bugging me so much lately. I’m having money issues & I told her I can’t pick her up til summer bc of the amount of $$ it’ll be to get her& she doesn’t understand. She refuses to meet up halfway. I don’t want to just drop her. Also she only msgs me when it’s convenient for her. What can I do

You say you don’t want to just drop her, but it seems as if she’s already dropped you. Or at least, it seems like she’s putting little to no effort into maintaining the friendship and is letting you do all the work.

This is gonna be stating the obvious, but you can’t know she wants to hang out if she doesn’t ask you, and it isn’t reasonable for her to expect you to not spend time with your boyfriend when you can either (aka she’s not the only person in your life that deserves your time).

If you want to try and save the relationship, tell her straight and clear that if you want to hang out, you have to schedule it because of work and money reasons (and any other reasons, including if you’d just prefer to do it that way). You could say, “You’re my friend, and I want to spend time with you, but I can’t do it with no warning because of travel expenses and scheduling. So we need to pick a day ahead of time and stick to it.” 

It might be easier to offer up some possibilities. Pick a few days and give her some choices, as well as keeping yourself open to days she suggests. Eventually, you’ll both probably be able to coordinate something, even if you have to wait for a while to do it. In the meantime, not all friend activities require in-person contact. You can also schedule things like skype hangouts, watching movies together (I have a friend I do this with; we text the whole time while we watch the same thing), and so on.

If she’s unwilling to work with you on this, then I think you’re going to have to distance yourself from her until she comes around. You might have to say something to her along the lines of, “Alright, well I hope one day we can work something out then. For now, it looks like it won’t work. Feel free to get back to me if you decide on a day after all.” Trying to be a part of a relationship where you do all the work is kind of like dragging somebody up a hill when they’ve gone limp. It’s frustrating and exhausting, and it’s gonna take forever to get anywhere.

[friendlyadviceuniverse-blog]

K so I got back from a fair with a group of friends and one girl in particular. At the beginning of the day she discreetly gave me a remote control thing and told me to keep it and to use it too. So I did and now we all get back home, I drop her off and she says it makes her panties vibrate. So I’ve been getting her off for an entire day. Call me dumb but I don’t know what to think or if she likes as more than a friend.

I don’t think there’s any one “right” way to feel about what happened.

I will say that, for me, the most concerning thing is that she involved you in this without your full consent - she didn’t ask first before having you participate in something sexual, which would make many people understandably uncomfortable.

What you do about that is up to you. If you want more clarity regarding your relationship and what you both want, I’d recommend an open conversation about it. BUT if what happened with the vibrating panties makes you uncomfortable, do not ignore it - address it. ANY sort of relationship, even non-romantic/sexual ones - depends on everyone trusting each other and respecting each other’s boundaries. If she continues ignoring consent going forward, I would take a good hard look at whether she deserves to be in your life.

[friendlyadviceuniverse-blog]

My best friend lately only messages me either at 3am/4am or once at 5pm. She'll start a conversation then disappear for days. I understand she has school. I know I'm at work 99% of my weeks. But shell randomly disappear from our conversations. It becomes hard to talk with her. Sometimes she'll want to talk at 3am and I say all the time sorry I'm sleepin I have a long shift But I don't think she understands I work 5-6 days a week.

I think that, in a conversation with her, you should focus on when you can talk rather than when you can’t. Be honest! Something like:

“I really love talking to you, but I’ve noticed it’s been hardly lately with our conflicting schedules and work and school and all of that. What times work best for you to chat? I’m usually available ________________.”

And then go from there. It might mean that one of you has to stay up late or so on, but if you want to talk together, you might have to make the time to do so (within reason, of course).

If you can’t find a mutually agreeable time, then you could try thinking of your messaging a little differently. Instead of considering it an ongoing conversation, think of it more like writing letters to one another with bigger gaps in between responses. In other words, less back and forth with small messages, and more one big message back and forth, more slowly. You could spend a paragraph responding to their message, and then do another one telling them whatever you want to tell them. Then sign off, and wait for their big blast response.

And remember that when people get busy, they can be less communicative than before. That isn’t necessarily a sign of anything bad in a friendship - sometimes, people get quiet for various reasons, but as long as you’re both willing to make the time to communicate in some kind of way that works for you both, you’ll be okay.

Good luck!

[friendlyadviceuniverse-blog]

I never dated anyone and I thought I was bi but if I think about getting in a relationship I could not imagine being with a guy romantically. Tbh if I imagine it I get nervous, like that would be nerve-wracking because what if he gets mad and beats me or hurts me in some way? I know girls can also beat you up but I feel threatened by men tbh, like I woulnd't trust them in a relationship with me. Am I a bad person? Am I sexist? I'm worried: I don't want to be sexist, but they scare me.

First, I wanna point out that attraction can coexist with other emotions. I think sushi is beautiful to look at, for instance, but I don’t care for the taste. Similarly, you can be attracted to a group of people while also recognizing other negative feelings about that group. So being afraid of men does not invalidate your bisexuality, if that’s the sexuality that you feel describes you best.

It isn’t sexist to fear men. Sexism implies a systemic power imbalance, and men are not disempowered by society because of their gender. They can be because of other reasons (queer men, trans men, men of color, disabled men, etc…, for a few examples), but not because they are men.

Men are often taught that violence and rage are the norm, and the most acceptable way for them to express power or emotion. This is what people mean when they say toxic masculinity (among other things). As a result, a lot of men, unfortunately, do express themselves this way, and it’s a real social problem that we men need to address. I could look up statistics to try and support this, and I could find them, but honestly, I’m going to let it stand, anecdotally, that lots and lots of people are scared of men.

That fear is not necessarily a bad thing, unless you find it paralyzing. The key lies in recognizing whether that fear is coming from a general fear of men, or from something a specific man is doing. If general, then I would recommend acknowledging the feeling, while recognizing that that doesn’t necessarily apply to a guy in question. But if it’s because of something somebody is doing, then listen to that feeling closely because that could be you reacting to red flags that you’re sensing.

You should not feel bad about avoiding people who do things that scare you. “Being a man” isn’t something anybody can help, BUT if they do things like yell and shout a lot, ignore your boundaries, put you down, physically threaten you, lay a hand on you,…all of these things are CHOICES they are making about how to treat you, and they are not good ones. And it is okay to duck out of that situation as soon as possible.

Because men don’t HAVE to do those things. Your fear probably isn’t the problem - the men who feed that fear are. If you want to date men, date men who make you feel great, who make you feel safe, and who you trust because you know they would never try to hurt you or make you afraid.

Best of luck in whoever and however you choose to date, my friend. :)

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Hi I have a friends that sometimes physically hurts me. For example we were having a snow ball fight with friends and she put a stone into her snow ball and hit me on the head, nothing serious but she seems like it's nothing to her, like it's normal but she could have hurt me badly. And she does things like that. She stops if I ask her but then does it again the next time. I don't know what to do, I don't want to offend her but I'm tired of this and a bit worried honestly. Thank you in advance!

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this.Your instincts sound good, and I'd like to say very clearly that even if she acts like this is normal, this is not normal. It isn't normal to intentionally hurt our friends or put them in danger, especially not over and over again and on purpose. You mention that you don't want to offend her, and I understand the desire to be polite and kind to our friends, but your friend gave up her right to not being offended when she started doing things that hurt you. You deserve friends that make your life better, not friends who make you feel unsafe.I'm glad that you have taken the initiative and asked her to stop, but it clearly isn't working. I think you need to get more direct help from somebody you trust, preferably somebody with authority (parents, teachers, guidance counselors, principals). Explain what has been going on and that you're worried about your safety. It is very important that you tell somebody else what is going on before someone gets hurt.I don't know why she's doing these things, but I don't think it's your job to worry about that. If she needs to get help for herself so that she treats people better, she and her family should take care of that, but right now, your number one priority should be taking care of you, and that means removing yourself from dangerous situations. That might mean stopping hanging out with her. If you can't cut off contact, which I do recommend, at least for a little while, you could limit yourself to only activities you think will be safe with her.You could say to her, "You keep doing things to hurt me. I've asked you to stop, but you just do them again, and I want to be away from you right now."She might make excuses. She might say that it was only a joke, and that she never meant to hurt you, and that you're her best friend in the world, and things like that. But whether that's true or not doesn't matter because she keeps doing this stuff even when you asked her to stop. So if she says something like that, you can just say, "I understand, but I still want to be away from you right now."But remember, the most important thing is to tell someone what she has been doing to you.Please take care of yourself, and good luck dealing with all this!

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Part 1/2. My ex& I haven't been together in almost 4 yrs. The last time we talked was a yr ago. But each time we talk shes super negative &jealous. We tried being friends but she wanted me there 24/7. I'm in a relationship. My bf doesn't mind if I wanted contact w a ex. But he understands how manipulative she was. He didn't want me to get hurt. I wanted closure w my ex. We planned to meet up. But then she started bringing up my past. We haven't seen each other in person in 2.5 yrs. But the

Part2/2. Thing is sometimes I think back to when we dated (1 yr). But the part I don’t get was she cheated on me multiple times but blamed me for when she was moving that I didn’t go say bye. But she invited her exes &slept w one. She broke up w me a day before. She always was like that. Blaming me for everything. But why do I still miss the memories of the good or semi good times?

When we form relationships (of any kind), we do it with an entire person, not only certain parts of them. That’s why, even if a relationship has tons and tons of problems and doesn’t work, we can look back fondly on the stuff that we enjoyed in that relationship. This is also true in reverse - even the relationships that make us the happiest sometimes frustrate us. It’s normal, for example, to be very much in love with someone (or in friendship) but still complain about them to other people.

The difference lies in whether the good or bad outweighs the other stuff in the end. It’s okay that our friends and partners aren’t perfect if they make us feel happy and fulfilled. But if a relationship is draining you more than it’s making you happy, something is off (sometimes fixable, sometimes not). 

But neither the good nor the bad makes the other stuff go away.

It’s okay to remember the good times and to miss them. But it’s also good to remind yourself that those times coexisted with other not-so-good times, and that your ex was part of BOTH. You can’t take the good without the bad, and it looks like even your attempts at reconnecting have been filled with conflict.

Put another way, a delicious poisonous cake tastes great, but it’s still poisonous. You can like the taste, but most of us know that eating it isn’t good for us.

Best of luck!

[friendlyadviceuniverse-blog]

Part 1/2 So I'm celebrating 2 years of being clean from self harm. I actually took the day off. I had this day planned for a good year. I asked my bf if he wanted to do something w me. He said at night maybe we do something. I told him I wanted to really celebrate it. But he hasn't helped me plan anything. He says he's not good at it. But I asked for suggestions. He said he has work and can't help. So I said I guess I'll celebrate alone. He got mad at me. But I kinda thought maybe he wasn't

Part 2/2 interested in celebrating. So I ended up asking a friend. I just don’t want to be alone. I understand he has work but he offered to take off& then told me he can’t just take off for me. He knows how important this is for me. it always has to be about him during each celebration. No one knows about this but 3 people. I had asked him months ago if he would go w me to get a tattoo on that day he agreed and then canceled. I can’t figure out what’s up with him. But any advice would help

Congratulations on being clean from self-harm! Even a small amount of time is a great achievement, so 2 years is awesome!

Based on your description, your boyfriend definitely doesn’t come across as being as invested as you are in celebrating your 2 year anniversary. I don’t know why he feels this way, or, indeed, what exactly he is feeling. And you won’t know either unless you talk to him.

What I do know is that he refused to take the time to be with you on a day that is important to you (and he knew a year in advance it was coming up). I know that he didn’t help you plan anything. I know he got mad when you suggested spending it alone. I know he makes every celebration about him. I know he cancelled longstanding plans involving tattoos (but not why). I know he said he couldn’t take off work for you.

All of this adds up to someone who, as said before, either doesn’t realize how important this is to you, or doesn’t care. It may help to analyze how he treats you in other ways. Is this a pattern? Does he never show interest in things that are important to you? If he isn’t supportive of you, then how does he show support for you (if at all)?

If you find good answers to those question, then this may be a situation where he is a supportive, kind boyfriend who simply doesn’t quite get that this is important to you. In which case, a conversation about it will likely help resolve the issue.

If you can’t find good answers, that probably indicates that your boyfriend is not a good match for you. I’m sorry - I know that’s difficult to hear (if you feel that it’s true), but being single is better than being with somebody who is unwilling to support you in important ways. You deserve somebody who treats you kindly and gives you support when you need it.

Best of luck!