ghostalope

[ghostalope]

Don’t think i shared my strawpage here - might’ve done, i can’t remember. tumblr has asks so i guess it’s a bit pointless, really.

anyway. i think it looks nice and i spent time

[ghostalope]

New alt username again (last one this time) welcome back ghostalope.

[ghostalope]

oldest shuu plushie - he’s very tatty because he has come basically everywhere with me.

It’s because he’s been well loved, but seeing him so bedraggled because of me makes me quite guilty; he needs a good clean. Poor little Shuu plush…

[ghostalope]

trying to reorganise my shrine - current collection of shuu merch

[ghostalope]

i used to be quite brazen in my vocalisations about my frustrations with Shuu’s treatment - both in fandom and in text - but i don’t think i really understood why i was frustrated with it. I think i was pretty terrible at articulating myself and it led to some horrendously cringeworthy ‘essays’ on my old blog that haunt me. Like I’d get pissed off about things that, in reality, aren’t at all serious (it’s the internet, what is) - like the French jokes have always rly set me off lmao - and I’d write those ‘essays’ or ‘analysis’ in some kind of insomnia driven fury, and I’d throw in buzzwords or (x)phobic accusations because I felt that frustrated. I fully believed in what I was saying, but i think the issue was more so me not understanding what exactly i was frustrated with, and not being able to articulate that.

In hindsight, i think my frustration lay both in the repeated, common mischaracterisation of Shuu as a character i had seen, and the fact that perhaps, I felt as if no one was taking his character seriously. Like he was a collection of quirks and things that people could laugh about, and it felt like his character - the complexities and nuances of it - was completely ignored.

It felt like Shuu was just a joke; nothing more - a series of mischaracterisations that could be summed up in a few words. It felt like the nuances of Shuu - what I saw in him, how his story had moved me and the interpretations that could be drawn from it - were being entirely ignored, and for the sake of what? The same Gay French joke I’d seen repeated for 5 years by then - the kind of jokes that had perpetuated his mischaracterisation, but the lack of ‘serious’ discussion (in my mind) prevented anyone from challenging said mischaracterisation, so it continued in this kind of cycle? It all sounds so dramatic, but I was a dramatic 17, so who gaf.

i like to think (hope) that I’ve grown since then - both as a writer and a person. I hope that my ability to articulate the frustrations I might have with his characterisation or treatment has improved, and that my analysis is better than it was. It won’t be perfect, but better is fine, just as long as it keeps getting better. I like to think my ability to take criticism has also improved, but I’m not sure. I don’t really interact with the fandom anymore, in part because of how much Shuu takes still generally frustrate me, but I think I handle I my frustration wayyyyy better now, if only because I understand it. I think that helps. I don’t know. Maybe I’m blind, and I haven’t improved at all.

[ghostalope]

Halloween Jellycats 2024 🕸️🦇🖤🧡

(check out even more Halloween Jellycats here)

(Bashful Pumpkin Bunny, Bartholomew Bear Bat, Spookipaws Cat, Ooky Spider, Skeledog Dan, Skelebat Jim, Mummy Bob, Skeleton Bob Bag Charm, Ricky Rain Frog Vampire, Vivacious Aubergine Vampire)

Ko-fi / Instagram

[ghostalope]

shuu merch haul + lil kanae keychain as a treat bc i hot rly good exam results 🥳🥳🥳

[ghostalope]

Tokyo Ghoul re-read:

Hello everypony. i have thrown around the idea of a Tokyo Ghoul re-read event of late, and a lot of people seem interested. I have come to some ideas for it, and wanted to inform everyone as I begin to sort it. If u have any ideas for the re-read, or might be interested in being a mod, pls dm me !

Im thinking basic idea of the re-read is kind of like a book club - a set chapter number per week, then the rest of the week is discussion. The chapter number i was setting was going to be about 1 volume per week - with adjusted numbers for slower and faster readers. (For example, know I can easily do a few day, but i read manga fast, but other people might only have time for 10 chapters a week, etc)

Also want to state the re-read would be open for literally everyone! Bc lots of ppl have expressed interest, but are already deep into personal re-reads - however you can absolutely still participate in the re-read and discussion (especially) if you are reading at a later point in the manga!!!!! i also know a few ppl who haven’t read TG before/anime onlys, who might like to join in too, and that’s absolutely fine too! There would be a spoiler free chat(s) too for newer readers specifically for this - and ppl can invite whoever they want to the read as well.

Pls give any suggestions or ideas! I’d luv to hear them.

The boring bits (where the read is held, estimate of when, etc) r all under here:

I’m thinking to do it on Discord, with weekly discussion threads/posts on twitter and tumblr - i believe you can create communities and public groups on both apps, so I would aim to make them also, if enough ppl were interested. There’s also the option for Instagram group chats - a WhatsApp group? Idk - if u have any suggestions, pls lmk. I don’t rly do group chats often.

As for when the re-read will start - i don’t yet know. I’m going back to school next month, as many are, and I’m just a busy little bee with a lot of interests and hobbies, so i would like to get into my routine first and ensure that i have time to dedicate to the re-read - or to gage how much help i might need with it. I think I might aim to start it in October personally - ideally on the first, but ik a lot of people do things during October (I’m literally considering writing for kinktober lmao) so it might be that later than that is a bit better - maybe trying to time it to start with a sort of school break time period. Maybe by the end of September I’ll be like ‘oh this is way easy, i have so much time for it’, but im adhd and bad at time planning, so i doubt it lmao.

I’m sorry if that’s too long a wait - y’all can start re-reads in the meantime idgaf. I just don’t want to start the re-read and realise two weeks in that i literally don’t have time. Lmao.

I also would ideally want a few mods/helpers on hand with the read. If only to help take care of the discord/chats, host separate discussions, etc - please lmk if you are interested. In particular, people with voice chat mod experience - i have no experience there so am desperate.

Pls lmk if u r interested in any of this - am i just talking to a wall? Idk! Tell meeee! Any suggestions or ideas r also greatly appreciated. I am hosting my own little re-read here but obviously this idea is not unique, I’m trying to see if enough people are interested in a group re-read with added discussion. It’s just some fun ofc.

[ghostalope]

weekly discord server promo!!! come hang out in my server it’s super chill and cool and u can come ramble about literally whatever u want!!! (tg stuff, fic and oc content highly encouraged too tho!)

*im not terribly active anywhere else rn so if u miss my ramblings (doubt) i’ll probs be on Discord - come chill in here with me and other hot and beautiful ppl!

[ghostalope]

recovering from bottom surgery…jarvista 🏳️‍⚧️🙏🛐💖🏳️‍🌈

he had surgery today guys 🥜✂️😔💔

as u can see he’s distraught so everyone put thoughts in prayers for jarvis’ swimmers in chat 🙏🛐😔💔👹

[ghostalope]

listen. if you had an abusive parent who is good at behaving themselves around other people- ones who stay calm, and smile, and speak kindly when interacting with the public despite never doing that with you? you’re amazing. if you had to hear “your dad seems cool” or “i love your mom” and nod and feel the way they hurt you go unnoticed? you’re so strong.

it can feel like you’re making it up, because all your teachers really like them. or it can sting, when you see how theyre capable of being thoughtful and polite but they choose to hurt you anyways. but you are wonderful, and brave, and things will get better. you will have people who acknowledge how they treated you. you will thrive. keep fighting.

[ghostalope]

I’m about to save you thousands of dollars in therapy by teaching you what I learned paying thousands of dollars for therapy:

It may sound woo woo but it’s an important skill capitalism and hyper individualism have robbed us of as human beings.

Learn to process your emotions. It will improve your mental health and quality of life. Emotions serve a biological purpose, they aren’t just things that happen for no reason.

1. Pause and notice you’re having a big feeling or reaching for a distraction to maybe avoid a feeling. Notice what triggered the feeling or need for a distraction without judgement. Just note that it’s there. Don’t label it as good or bad.

2. Find it in your body. Where do you feel it? Your chest? Your head? Your stomach? Does it feel like a weight everywhere? Does it feel like you’re vibrating? Does it feel like you’re numb all over?

3. Name the feeling. Look up an emotion chart if you need to. Find the feeling that resonates the most with what you’re feeling. Is it disappointment? Heartbreak? Anxiety? Anger? Humiliation?

4. Validate the feeling. Sometimes feelings misfire or are disproportionately big, but they’re still valid. You don’t have to justify what you’re feeling, it’s just valid. Tell yourself “yeah it makes sense that you feel that right now.” Or something as simple as “I hear you.” For example: If I get really big feelings of humiliation when I lose at a game of chess, the feeling may not be necessary, but it is valid and makes sense if I grew up with parents who berated me every time I did something wrong. So I could say “Yeah I understand why we are feeling that way given how we were treated growing up. That’s valid.”

5. Do something with your body that’s not a mental distraction from the feeling. Something where you can still think. Go on a walk. Do something with your hands like art or crochet or baking. Journal. Clean a room. Figure out what works best for you.

6. Repeat, it takes practice but is a skill you can learn :)

[ghostalope]

seriously considering returning to christianity lately

[ghostalope]

he had surgery today guys 🥜✂️😔💔

as u can see he’s distraught so everyone put thoughts in prayers for jarvis’ swimmers in chat 🙏🛐😔💔👹

[ghostalope]

🛑pleas don't scroll ‼️Hi, I hope you are well. My name is Mohammed Atallah, I live with my parents, six sisters, a little girl named Malak and a little boy named Ameer in North Gaza. I created this link to fund a bone graft in my left hand which was shot by an explosive bullet, to rebuild our destroyed home and to evacuate my family from Gaza to a safe place.And donate any amount to safe life .. I will appreciate your help❤️ Can you please help as much as you can . Press all buttons on my wall , I beg you to visit my page, view it, and donate via the link in the bio💔The campaign has been documented @90-ghost Donate and share widely 🆘🆘 Every euros will make a difference 🙏I urge you to donate. Even the smallest amount can make the biggest difference. Not only he needs to evacuate with his family, but he is in dire need for surgery! The IDF has shot his arm with an explosive bullet. Not a regular one. AN EXPLOSIVE ONE. So he needs to get it treated right away! Otherwise, he will get an infection and it may lead to amputation. WE DO NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN, DO WE DO?So contribute! Make sure to reblog and share his story if you are unable to do so.

I’m so sorry this took so long to reply to - I’ve been out all day and still don’t have access to my desktop. When I get home I will reblog from my larger account.

Please donate and share to this fundraiser is you can people! Please share if you can’t donate!

More information + proof of vetting here.

Please share and donate!

[ghostalope]

Vintage book covers

[ghostalope]

getting used to living alone and not with my abuser has been kind of wild on reflection. Like I still get scared when I hear loud noises upstairs. Sometimes I feel like I’m anticipating hearing her footsteps and trying to workout where she is, waiting for her to leave so I can go outside.

(Rambling abt abuse under the cut)

I think about how she used to tell me all the basic things I couldn’t do - she made out that I always messed it up, I was too disabled to do my laundry, or shopping, or whatever. Basic shit I wasn’t allowed to do because she could use it to complain on Facebook about how hard her life was, because of me. I think about how easy it’s been. I could always do it - maybe I’m such half a person, but she made me out to be such a slither of a person. It’s strange to realise you are more alive than you thought.

I booked my first dental appointment in 9 years yesterday - It feels embarrassing. I used to beg her to take me to the dentist, but she wouldn’t let me. At first I understood, because it’s expensive, but then I find out we had the money. She had my money for my disabilities, and she kept it for her. I don’t think she would’ve ever taken me to the dentist unless my teeth actually started to fall out - she didn’t take me to the opticians for 3 years - until I caused such a big fuss she couldn’t Facebook-mum her way out of. My pain only existed to her if she could get money from it, or use it to look like more of a victim. It’s weird not having her kill my plants out of spite when we fought her. I had this one plant I grew for five years, when I stopped talking to her, she’d killed it within the next week. She killed all my plants. I had about 20? 30? When I moved out I had one left. She’d use anything I used to cope against me - I was 18 and I begged her to let me go horse riding. We went a few times to groom the horses first, it was the only social interaction she’d let me experience in 5 years. But then I had a panic attack at the stables and she took it away as punishment.

It’s so strange to not live with that. I wonder if I’m too hard on her? I get my BPD from somewhere and it’s not my dad. I know how hard it is to have BPD, and not know what’s wrong with you. But also, I think about how she tried to kill me, said my dad would be ‘better off’ without me, how she’d pin me in corners and grab me during arguments when I’d try to leave. She’d film my breakdowns, play them back to me as a form of humiliation. She’d tell random people that I had an ED, and that I SH’d, and then she’d grab my arms and roll up my sleeves to show them. One time I refused. But only the once.

I’ve done some bad things because of my BPD, because I was being abused and I didn’t know it, but I think maybe being emotional and clingy on the internet is different to trying to kill someone? I don’t know. Am I as bad as her? I feel like I have some things inside me that say I’m not - my mother never said sorry when we were ‘close’. Her trying to kill me was nothing to her. She still tries to get to me. She sent me letters because I refused to talk to her, and she’d say ‘sorry’, but I don’t believe she knew why she was saying it. I’d try to tell her why I was so upset, and she’d say it wasn’t that bad, she’d get annoyed, she’d ice me. She was my primary carer and if I tried to tell her she was hurting me, no matter how gently, she’d stop talking to me for the week. I didn’t have anyone else and she knew that.

I try to hope it was subconscious - did she know she was hurting me? But she did so much to me. There’s a part of me that wonders if she knows, somewhere, exactly what she was doing. And then then I think about how much energy I have given to this woman - to trying not to hate her unfairly, and I wonder - has she ever given me such an understanding? I feel like I was always just a bad seed to her. I was just Difficult. I think she thought that when I was born. I was always a naughty kid, but I can’t remember why. I just remember being shouted at, I just remember being recorded. I just remember being a problem.

So it’s difficult. Living alone, I realise now how bad things were. There’s so much I think about, everyday I remember more. Everyday, I feel like it gets harder to understand her. I hear about what she does to my brother, my dad, and it’s hard. I consider myself quite understanding, and I have tried to understand her. But I feel like I can’t anymore. I don’t think she wants to be understood.

Idk. It’s hard to move from. I never thought this would happen to me. You never think - Oh I was abused. It doesn’t happen to you. It happens to other people, right? But doesn’t everything?

It feels like she’s a ghost in my flat. I’m haunted by the memories of how I’d live with her. I think it’s dying, but it’s slow. I have so many ghosts inside me. I hope one day, I’ll live alone and it will just be me.