forest-fire-witness

[forest-fire-witness]

adam and eve is a tale recited to forewarn the dangers of yearning for more than is within eartly bounds. but is that not what religion is? to plead with the universe for more, for more than this? we were bestowed the garden of eden/life. but nevertheless we search for the apple, for any worldly suggestion of an afterlife's existence.

[forest-fire-witness]

i believe that my appreciation of post-apocalyptic literature is derived from that i am reading about a world defined by suffering and comprehend + often agree with the authors intent to relate this to reality (you've maybe read that post about how post-apocalyptic lit is not meant to predict the future, but rather criticize the present?) but i also recognize that i am reading a book. if am engaging in art, there is definitive purpose to human existence. its just a calming juxtaposition that reminds me that the inherent pain of living is worthwhile

[forest-fire-witness]

i obsessively search inwards for my identity. it will be too late when i realize ive dug open the cavity of my chest and am holding my bloody intestines.

[forest-fire-witness]

i parade that i am unreserved + open, willing to communicate my struggles with my friends (who so dearly want to listen). but i am only candid when time acts as a veil. let me ignore the present, and tell you again of nov 2022?

[forest-fire-witness]

but do i yearn to be loved, or for tangible proof i can be loved? for you to grab my head between your palms, and stare lovingly into the depths of my eyes (would i feel the warmth of your love, or of reassurance? i am lovable.)

i am in a constant state of searching for the crux of my being, so that i can destroy who i am, and find manumission from the rotten stench of my identity. and maybe then i would be a worthy recipent of love.

[forest-fire-witness]

if i gouge my heart from the cavities of my chest and present it to you with outstreched arms, will i finally be lovable?

i am in a constant state of searching for the crux of my being, so that i can destroy who i am, and find manumission from the rotten stench of my identity. and maybe then i would be a worthy recipent of love.

[forest-fire-witness]

i am in a constant state of searching for the crux of my being, so that i can destroy who i am, and find manumission from the rotten stench of my identity. and maybe then i would be a worthy recipent of love.

[forest-fire-witness]

i always seem to disappoint

[forest-fire-witness]

been seeing a lot of harmful rhetoric surrounding the term 'glass child' on here, so i just wanted to share my experiences as someone who identifies as such! i have been continuously dismissed for my sibling's needs to be met. this is neither their fault (why would they be blamed for their struggles? thats insane!) nor my parents' (i understand that i was caught in the crossfire of a complicated situation).

people often argue that the term, which is empowering to me, is prejudiced against the disabled community. i believe this to be an unfair characterization of us, as the label 'glass child' is not meant to minimize the needs of the disabled community, but rather highlight unmet needs in a different (but neither opposing nor distinct!) group. to me, the term is a powerful renouncement of previous disregard.

i also undersrand that, just because smth is not meant to be ableist, doesnt mean that it is not. pls share your own experiences!! i would love to hear another perspective on this, if you'd be willing :)

[forest-fire-witness]

i still feel 12 bc i never really felt 12

[forest-fire-witness]

its monday again. and a mourning dove is cooing. and the sun rises from the east. and i was right that its a wonder, but its monday again

[forest-fire-witness]

i have never been a priority

[forest-fire-witness]

"we're not out of the tunnel yet, i bet you though theres an end"

is a lyric to 'i will,' a song that captures the beautiful intersection of longing and comfort. mitski wrote it from the prospective of a lover caring for her, comforting her with the words she yearns to hear. this allows its calming prose to be contrasted by an underlying sense of unfufillment.

for many years, i recited this lyric in search of reasurement. it lent me solace and hope for a better future. but what differentiates that perfect future from the present? what was i hoping for?

i eventually came to the realization that i was wishing my life away by continuously waiting for the mundane to be transformed into a magical utopia. i desired to be rid of negative emotions entirely, and would only escape the tunnel by being unequivocally and continuously gratified.

so, i redefined my tunnel!!

i now characterize being out of the tunnel as staying afloat. i allow myself to live in the present and experience a vast array of emotions w/o shame. my only guideline is that i do not drown.

tldr; do not force your values to become fixed. nothing is permant, allow yourself to redefine your tunnels!!

[forest-fire-witness]

i seek solace in articulation. verbalizing abstract thoughts is one of lifes greatest pleasures imo! diaries, this blog lol, essays, etc i love it all

[forest-fire-witness]

if you have reason to write notes you have reason to stay !!

[forest-fire-witness]

i struggle to describe my panic attacks: i can only recollect the sensation of coming back to myself. the paranoid delusions, all-encompassing immobilization, lightheadedness, sweat, irregular heartbeat, paresthesia, etc etc are not properly indicitive of my attacks.

i pathologize my identity, transform my experiences into a catalog of symptoms, so maybe you'll understand. i need help.

[forest-fire-witness]

obsessed rn with the notion that a tree was planted the day i was born. i imagine a lofty redwood (already 65 ft!) imbued with ambitions of touching the sky. protected by lush canopy, it has been weathered by neither neither time nor circumstance. it is sturdy and, when it sways in the wind, it never anticipates plummeting onto the rocky terrain below. we are diametrically different, but we have grown together. idk i just find that so comforting!!