findingletti

[findingletti]

[findingletti]

You do not have to find a way to see your abuse in a positive light.

You don’t need to be inspiring to others or see the silver lining. You don’t need to be “stronger for it”.

You’re allowed to have bad feelings about it and acknowledge that it’s terrible and should never have happened.

You deserved to be safe and I’m so sorry you weren’t. You deserved better.

[findingletti]

kinda feel like self-destructing

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I'm getting really sick and tired of feeling out of control with my own feelings to be very honest with you guys. I hate that I'm super high on life and then all of a sudden I wake up one morning and I can't find any motivation to live; zero desire to get out of bed, hold conversations. eat, etc. It's just a 24/7 overwhelming void of emptiness and hopelessness. Why? why don't my emotions work with me? why do we keep going back and forth - this shit is EXHAUSTING. I can't even sustain new friendships bc how do explain to new people that sometimes you wanna talk for hours, days even, and other times you want to isolate yourself from the world for weeks without them taking it personally or thinking you're crazy?? I'm trying to stay positive and keep this mindset that I'm the creator of my own reality but FUCK .

x

findingletti

[findingletti]

reblogging for the new moon tonight! Take care of yourselves babes - you are the ONLY one that matters today.

[findingletti]

Absolutely

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seeing the growth from the late night cries, burnouts, all encompassing and overwhelming chaos that healing brings is actually the greatest feeling in the world bc u finally start to understand what it feels like to be happy.

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So many times I wished I could be that girl that’d get up at 6am go for a run, come home cook and eat breakfast and then start off on their day. I used to sit and ponder like damn how’d they get there? How do they have that much of a want to live - & it wasn’t until my friend looked me dead square in my eyes and said “you can do that. You can be her.” Ofc I laughed like okay Becky pls - but I’m finally at a place where I think - no, I know: that she was right.

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Emotional wealth really is a bitch

[findingletti]

just ADHD tings ✨

[findingletti]

there's nothing I want more in this life than for my mother to understand how she hurt me. I don't even want an apology anymore I just want her to know. She asks me why I'm never home, why I'm anti-social around family or why I never speak to my sisters and so bad I wish to respond that the reason is because of her. Her face, presence, and the sound of her voice is a painful reminder of a life and of a girl that I had stolen from me. Though I'm trying to forgive, It is an offense that I simply cannot forget.

i get so fucking mad when i think about my abuse and my childhood because all i can think about is the person i would’ve become had none of that happened to me and how happy that person would be

[findingletti]

I don't care how you see me

I went to therapy today. For the first time I didn't lie. I didn't withhold any information about myself or my stage in life right now. I didn't worry about how they'd perceive me nor did I think about how crazy I sounded. For a long time I hated the idea of being perceived, but more so I hated the perception of a me I couldn't control. I overcompensated my lack of self-stability with this mask of perfectionism. I made sure to always speak with poise, hide any personality, dress appropriately and fake solidity. This pandemic has taught me, or merely showed me, that by creating this false sense of self I have become a stranger to my own identity; but more than that, nobody really knows me. It's showed me how alone this life can be when we get worked up trying to control this perfect image we portray out into the world. I found myself in a place weighing the importance of masking in my life. Was it more important to me to protect myself from a false perception of rejection that I'm not even sure exists? An imaginative process I grew to believe was for the best, but in reality only put up a barrier between myself and happiness. Or was it more important for me to experience what it means and feels like to be close to an individual, to myself even? I gotten so good at lying or playing pretend that I'd forgotten to turn it off when the only company left in my space was me. It's one thing to be rejected by a false identity you've created, it's another when its the real one that's been hidden away all these years; So, yes its scary to make that step but I concluded its even scarier to live a whole life with an emptiness that reminds you that nobody knows you. So, I went to therapy today and I didn't lie. I didn't try to hide or speak with poise. I didn't hide my personality or apologize. I didn't run from the truth when tough questions of my past came up nor did I withhold any information from things I did that I'm not proud of. And let me say, I've never felt more free. I've never felt more at peace. I came to this mutually understanding with myself that I am the only person in this life that has been along the ride since the beginning and it'd be silly of me to expect anyone to have an accurate opinion or perception or idea of me having only read the middle chapter. Therefore, I, as the author, main character and editor of this novel I call my life, am making the choice that I no longer want to be alone or feel alone. I no longer am choosing to play safe for the sake of fear. I choose freedom of expression and accept that not everyone will like me but also not everyone has started at page one. The only one is me and If I like me, If I accept me, and If I know me then that's enough.

x

findingletti

[findingletti]

“The hardest battle you will ever have to fight is between who you are now and who you want to be.”

— Unknown

[findingletti]

the girl who cried wolf

I found myself standing at the edge of the cliff today. I ask myself if I'll jump but the honest answer to my question wrestles in my current state of confusion. The answer is I don't know. I've thought about. Over the years I've found myself finding comfort in my feet knowing the distance between the point of chaos and peace. I find myself returning to the cliff that once breathed hopelessness into my lungs. The cliff that birthed the chronic emptiness that lingers after every failed attempt to better myself. Sometimes, I think I should start to build a home here; For the moments my presence occupies the shallow existence of what it means to be alone. I always come back but I can't seem to find the courage to leave for good. I'm stuck in this perpetual loop of introspection: Will I jump? And the answer always remains: I don't know. I have never jumped but I often think about what the outcome would be if I did. I often wonder if my family would finally start to see me; If they will begin to notice me. I wonder if my friends will finally understand me. I ask will this everlasting invisibility that consumes my life finally cease to exist? I often think about what it is they'd say about me. If people will care enough to fake their love for me. If my family would care enough to lie about how much they knew me. I have never jumped; but I think about it almost habitually. I feel like I cannot escape this bubble of darkness that follows me around; it makes me feel like an imposter to my own sense of self. I'd imagine my family would say I was the girl who cried wolf. They'd decorate my tombstone with an ironic vindication for never noticing the warning signs. As if I never wore them in the big bright red stained tint of my body. I'd imagine they'd be proud to state the cleverness of their wording. They'd say its symbolic; that I was just a girl who was crying for attention as if that's somehow separate to a girl who was crying for help.

x

findingletti

[findingletti]

[findingletti]

I am safe enough to be myself

x

findingletti