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[feralvampire]

A few years ago, I went to an anatomy conference and they had a huge 3D printed vampire skull, and these thoughts have been on my mind ever since I saw the teeth up-close. 

The under-utilized potential for this bothers me a lot… like in movies… it’s just bite and done!

What happened to ritual shaving or elaborate skin engraving?

I know a lot of artists/writers follow me…. can you guys do Vampires a solid?

[feralvampire]

vampire dude to his vampire friend: wow.. looks like there’s only one coffin….. what’ll we do?

other vampire dude who reads a lot of fanfiction: we could……….. share it

[feralvampire]

So in lore, vampires have this trait that I’ve almost never seen used, and that’s the fact that vampires are OBSESSED with counting things. Like, the Count on Sesame Street was almost certainly created specifically as a vampire because of this piece of lore.

Like, I read this vampire book years and years ago that explained that a surefire way to protect yourself from vampires getting into your house was to spread a ton of seeds on your doorstep–poppy and mustard seeds were particularly recommended for the purpose. Basically, if you suspected someone to be a vampire, all you had to do was drop a sackful of seeds on the ground in front of them.

If they didn’t immediately start counting them, they were not a vampire. However, if they WERE a vampire, they’d be seized with the urge to count all the seeds and they would not budge from that spot until they knew how many seeds there were in total. The point was to keep them there until the sun came up and killed them, because if they hadn’t counted all the seeds by sunrise they wouldn’t be able to leave. Presumably you could just go about the rest of your evening as normal, though no word on whether it’s possible to make them lose count and start over.

Having remembered this piece of lore, I want fewer stories about brooding tortured Edward Cullen-esque vampires. I want to start seeing more stories about math nerd vampires.

Vampire accountants who are an honest company’s best asset and a corrupt company’s bane because they are frighteningly accurate with the accounts and will not hesitate to blow the whistle on a CEO scamming money because fuck you for making the numbers wrong.

Vampire cashiers that don’t need to look at the register screen because they already mentally calculated your total. 10-items-or-less vampires who know goddamn well you have 20 items in that basket and NO, you cannot just slip in with the rest.

Vampire math tutors who are constantly in high demand and have to hold lotteries to see who gets to be tutored by them.

MATH NERD VAMPIRES

[feralvampire]

✨❤🎶

[feralvampire]

When Caroline Walter of Freiburg, Germany died at the age of 16, her sister, ,Selma, had a sculptor cast a life size sculpture for the gravestone - Every morning since Caroline’s funeral, a fresh flower was found tucked in the crook of the arm, and still is to this day - Nobody knows who leaves it - Every single morning! - Caroline died in 1867 - For 146 years, someone has been leaving flowers…

[feralvampire]

[feralvampire]

basically, i think the general rule of thumb is: if someone REALLY wants the blood that’s inside of your body, and they’re like… a vampire, or a dracula, or some sort of mansquito, then that’s probably okay. a dracula and a mansquito are made for removing things like blood and swords from inside your body. that’s basically fine.

if something wants to get at your blood, and they’re, say, some kind of murdersaurus, or maybe a really big frog, that’s where the problems start to arise. a really frog is not made for removing blood, and your blood knows this, which is why it is so vehement about wanting to stay IN your body instead of coming out. 

unfortunately this will not deter a really big frog, because a really big frog is full of things like prizes, and value, and quite a lot of hatred, and it would REALLY rather like to replace any and all of those things with your blood, and basically by any means possible.

[feralvampire]

[feralvampire]

worlds tallest vampire

[feralvampire]

you've outed yourself as a vampire

haha what thats crazy. please invite me inside so we can talk about this ridiculous idea

[feralvampire]

Pregnant Ghost Bat having an ultrasound at Featherdale Wildlife Park

[feralvampire]

not every vampire is femme... not every werewolf is butch... stop putting these expectations on supernatural lesbian couples. make more butch vamps! make more femme werewolves!

[feralvampire]

the best analogy for bisexuals i've ever heard

werewolf: i’m a werewolf person: ok so when you’re in human form you’re a human, and when you’re in wolf form you’re a wolf though. werewolf: no. i’m a werewolf. human form = werewolf. wolf form = werewolf. always a werewolf. no matter the circumstance or appearance, I AM ALWAYS A WEREWOLF

[feralvampire]

imagine we make contact with an alien species that’s like, vastly technologically superior, they could fucking kill us in a single shot if they really wanted to

and this species has never eaten salad before. and we show them salad and they eat it and they’re like holy living fuck this is tasty. and suddenly they’re offering us huge houses with all kind of advanced technological shit and incredible medical care and all the amenities and everything, with the only condition that we keep making salad for them.

and like, salad isn’t even hard to make. grab some plants, dump em in a bowl. it doesn’t have to be fancy salad, they’ll fall all over themselves for the most mediocre salad in the world. we can make so much salad that we’re practically drowning in it, even if we eat some of the salad ourselves. and in exchange we’re protected from danger, we have great living conditions, it’s basically paradise compared to life on earth

imagine

[feralvampire]

feels good knowing that to the aliens, i am an alien. feels really good 

[feralvampire]

lmao: loving my alien overlords

[feralvampire]

Alien: You shouldn’t eat that.

Human: What?

Alien: That thing. Don’t you know it’s extremely acidic? Enough to cause eventual deterioration of your flesh?

Human: ….it’s a fucking pineapple.