dystopianflowerhk

[dystopianflowerhk]

Update 2021.12.12 - Hiatus

Hey guys. It's been a long, long time.

Since COVID happened, our freedom rapidly decreased without us able to fight back. It's ironic that COVID has lasted longer than our revolution, and still ongoing, and it has become an excuse not only for the government to restrain us... it has become our excuse to stop fighting, comply, and move on.

Some consider the revolution ended, badly. I don't. But the truth is, we are on hiatus. You won't see any protests anytime soon. You will only see the aftermath of the protests we've had, court decisions giving us questions and sad laughs, people serving their sentences and quietly surviving the winter, and people going to therapists to heal their wounds.

I sometimes wonder, is learned-helplessness the nature of Hong Kong people? Our culture is hard-working, reserved, we like traveling and gossiping, we avoid confrontation, and we... we are numb from suppressing our feelings and dreams, aren't we? Aren't we?

When will us ever get whatever we deserve? Now we are trying to survive this pandemic, trying to numb down the mental torture of news and social media, trying to stay afloat in the waves of uncertainty across this whole world. We are looking to a new world, one where we may or may not survive, we are all lab rats in waves of new sciences and new enemies.

It's ok... we will wait. We will change. We don't have to call anything an end.

Myself, I took antidepressants for 1.5 years and recently stopped taking. I am going to school for a master's degree in psychology. I am fine now. I've got new life strategies that should work for a while, even though I don't know where I will be going in the coming few years. I am looking to share my experiences.

Take care you all. We'll meet again next time.

[dystopianflowerhk]

studentlocalism’s tony chung, yanni ho and william chan

we cannot get used to young hongkongers disappeared suddenly. we refuse to accept this as normal.

(source: lukminghongkong fb | 27 oct 2020)

[dystopianflowerhk]

It’s been a year since he left us. I have never experienced death of a close one, but knowing that his death was a year ago... feels strange.

A year has gone. It is a long time? Have we mourned enough? If he is watching over us somewhere, when will he decide to move on and reincarnate? How much should I do in order for him not to be disappointed?

It’s been a year since he stopped living. And the world still spins, so many things he wouldn’t see and be a part of. If we have to go without him, I hope we arrive at a point where we will hope to describe to him.

The first martyr, the yellow raincoat

June 15 afternoon, a young man in yellow raincoat, hanged a banner with the protesters’ demands written on it on the scaffolding of the Pacific Place in Admiralty. He then jumped to his death, leaving behind the sorrow of the yellow raincoat, as a scar on every Hong Konger’s heart.

I really wanted to tell him, “when Hong Kong has become better, I hope that you are here with us too.”

But… when is Hong Kong going to become better? Those who hear that, are they going to feel hopeful or tired? Is the destination of our protest, ultimately just so that we don’t regret?

I don’t want to give up. No matter how difficult it becomes, I don’t want to give up hope. Even if the world has become a dystopia of despair, I must still hope.

(Photos from various press.)

[dystopianflowerhk]

Thoughts 2020.5.28

There's no Pride behind the Chinese national anthem, only Fear.

A proud national anthem doesn't need to be guarded with unjust laws and brutal force. A proud national anthem doesn't need to be advertised on TV 24/7.

Hong Kong's anthem, Glory to Hong Kong, is sang voluntarily by protesters, whenever it is played during a protest, and in our minds whenever we are reminded of our determination. On the contrary, TVB loops advertisement that plays the Chinese national anthem endlessly.

Aggression is a display of fear. They do not trust themselves able to convince the world and their own people with reasoning and values anymore. They have good reasons to fear.

(If you ever find yourself forced to sing the Chinese national anthem, just sing it, but make sure every word of the lyrics means what it means and comes out strong and proud. It will make sense.)

[dystopianflowerhk]

Where do we go

The National Anthem Law, and the National Security Law for Hong Kong are coming rapidly, both going to take away a large part of our freedom, destroying “one country two systems��. China is strengthening their grasp, we may not be able to voice out our opinions anymore, sooner or later.

It brought us a sense of despair, admittedly. It’s a race of time, we once thought we could win democracy in months, now we expect years, but what if it takes decades, or if we become trapped under a totalitarian regime with no available means to fight?

It’s ok if we have to escape from Hong Kong, and reunite when we won our Hong Kong back, some say. Some of us uphold the believe that we would rather die fighting than living in compromise. Some believe that as long as we live, we can always confront the tyranny again.

But inevitably everyone has to make our own decision. Where to go, where to stand, what we want and what we give. Perhaps it is already too late, perhaps it is just the right time to know our answers.

The past one year completely reshaped our lives. As much as I hope our revolution to continue and be victorious, I also hope I know better how to live in time of our revolution.

[dystopianflowerhk]

Summer

May has come, the weather turns hot, time to turn on the air conditioner again. In the past, the cold air used to remind me of the days when I tried to get myself sick in the cold. This year, realizing summer has come again, what came to mind was that our fight has been ongoing for a nearly year. Summer has gone and come again. We wouldn’t have imagine.

I was finally able to go back to university and get my graduation certificate. Still no graduation ceremony and graduation photos. But I was proud of my achievement.

On Mother’s Day, a series of events happened again. A 13-year-old teen reporter was threatened to not report news of the protests again. A mother and her toddler suffered pepper-spray pellet in a shopping mall. A female reporter was arrested in a public toilet by male policemen.

I can feel my emotions slightly more vigorous reacting to these events. I have been struggling with numb feelings, so I welcome this change. And yet, I am still weak. I need to think clearly and logically, and reinforce myself to do it correctly.

[dystopianflowerhk]

2020.4.26 Sound the trumpet

Around 100 days of home-staying passed. I haven’t met T for 73 days, and when we met, we couldn’t see each other’s face behind the masks.

After a long pause, on April 26, people gathered again in Taikoo Cityplaza to sing and chant slogans. It was a peaceful event, except for how police stopped the event by closing down the exits, and then forcing everyone, including those who were going back home from work, to leave the plaza at once.

As the news reached us in the evening, over the voice chat, I heard T howled and screamed. I heard the terrible amount of rage and fear, as we were again reminded of the horror of police brutality. This is the signal that it’s time to start our fight again, but at the same time, we again face police violence and unreasonable arrest.

Days of relatively quiet isolation and rest during pandemic prevention, gave Hong Kong people time to deal with ourselves, our personal needs and works, and also rethink our understanding and aims of our revolution and our roles. Now there’s no excuse to stay in ease anymore.

[dystopianflowerhk]

Today is going to be a difficult day for Hong Kong. I can only hope no one dies or gets seriously injured.

[dystopianflowerhk]

Question marks

My last meeting with T before everything came to a halt due to the pandemic, I brought T to visit my sister and brother-in-law, and we had a good time playing video games together. I wouldn’t have imagined that this became some sort of “last memory”.

On the bus, T thought I was asleep. When I finally moved, he told me, “we are in Hong Kong Island now.” I was aware. But what he said, reminded me of a trip to a place far, far away. We looked at the scenery outside the window in silence, as if we were traveling to somewhere new, to restart our lives there.

I grabbed his arm, and cried.

In the midst of self-isolation and depression, the world around me seemed to be turning into question marks. Sometimes the days dropped into dead stillness, with unsolved crises hanging in suspense. February, I recorded a total of 26 dreams in my dream diary. I dreamt of unrest, rage, death, chaos and illness.

[dystopianflowerhk]

Wars

Late January was Lunar New Year. With people traveling back to mainland China to visit their relatives, the mood did not lighten. Instead, people going back to China felt like sacrifices, like pigs and lambs walking on their way to the slaughterhouse. In China is not only the government monitoring every movement of people, but now also COVID-19, also nicknamed WARS (Wuhan Acute Respiratory Syndrome), which is definitely an irony.

At that stage, we could still count the coronavirus cases. People in Hong Kong heard about the outbreak in Wuhan, in China, we started wearing masks. The more anxious ones (such as T) were the firsts to do it, and when about 50% of us were wearing masks, the virus arrived in Hong Kong. The other 50% were still in shock and disbelief. We heard news reports about cases in places all around the world, places we might have been to, reporting their first cases.

China seems to be in a stage of self-destruction, taking the world with them. If the virus was not planned by anyone, then it must be the God saying, “f*ck you all.”

I was afraid too. The virus does not distinguish between justice and evil. Yellow or blue, peaceful or violent, true or false, none affects the virus. Love cannot protect people I care about from sickness and death.

Behind the facade of a pandemic, wars, have emerged in an all-round manner internationally.

[dystopianflowerhk]

Looking up at the sky

January, I had a good start as I managed to finish a few major tasks despite my usual fatigue. T was having psychosis again. I wondered if it is a reincarnation of the second half of 2019, and things would happen all over again.

The day I went to see the psychiatrist with T, we walked pass the harbour when he sent me home. The sky was clear and beautifully adorned with white clouds, something you don’t often see in Hong Kong. As we gazed in a rather clumsy silence, I quietly sang a few lines from a song called Looking up at the Sky (from a game I love).

We saw pigeons on the path, and I imitated the pigeons’ call. T tried to make the sound too, but failed, and made some weird howling instead. I giggled in embarrassment, saying that he was gonna scare the pigeons away. It was stupid, but so funny.

I wondered if this was a reincarnation. Or, maybe things would be fine, and we would live better?

[dystopianflowerhk]

2020.1.1 Reboot

As new year came, I was excited, for what we will accomplish this year. And excitement is precious.

On Jan 1, a major march was held as expected. With a renewed motivation and the growing labour unions, a count of 1.03 million people marched in Hong Kong Island.

Joining sister in the labour unions team, we held our flags high and chanted loudly, with slogans to encourage more people join the labour unions, in order to have a say in their field and output pressure onto the government, and also to have their right protected as they strike. The labour union flags team had a special role this day, as a legal and recognizable community, it helped leading the marching team, and also acted as a representative and medium.

On our way, sometimes the protesters gave way for us to proceed to the front, clapping their hands to cheer for us. I am not actually in the labour unions (since I don’t have a job yet), but I felt, at least this day, I had to help bringing the message to Hong Kongers.

As the march continues, the atmosphere again became tense. At one point, an incident happened, and the labour union flag team rushed to Luard Road, where we stood and faced the police. We formed a human-and-flag barricade to let the other protesters pass through behind us. 

This was when we heard a loud explosion, of a tear gas grenade thrown 5-10m in front of us. I was stunned and stood frozen as I saw something that looked like the handle of the grenade lying next to me, the girl in front of me did the same, until someone called me, and we ran. Only when I was running I started feeling my eyes and nose irritated. I blinked fiercely as I shouted for others to evacuate carefully, my voice drown in the screams and murmurs of fear.

The peaceful protest was cut short soon after this, as police ordered to end it at 6:15pm. Many protesters still haven’t started on their way to the march.

What a great new year’s gift: police excessive force witnessed with my own eyes.

[dystopianflowerhk]

Update 2020.5.21

Pleases click and see here: Local source (hk01) point out that the National People's Congress will announce national security law bypassing HK's legislation process, thoughts?

I could not explain this situation in a better way. But the panic is clear: some say we have to clear and delete our telegram account immediately, some say Hong Kongers will end up worshiping president Xi, some are saying goodbye to their social media followers. We are right now listening to the news closely.

Our freedom of speech is taken away bit by bit, yet each blow leaves us shocked, enraged and frustrated.

News tonight will determine our fate. Hopefully I will update you guys about it.

I hate that what I can do, what we can do is very limited. I feel ashamed. But I have to ask the world to stand by us, to stand with Hong Kong. Because I don’t know if one day our voice will be completely silenced, and the world will not hear from us anymore.

Please spread this message so more people know, this is all I ask.

Thank you.

[dystopianflowerhk]

Update 2020.5.15

It’s been a long time. I’m taking the time before going to see my counselor to write an update.

It needs to be started again, but this time I think I will do it in a different way. There’s a few posts I want to make for things that happened since January, and about the virus, after that I will be updating on things that is happening in the present (instead of rewriting past diary entries, hopefully). I also want to discuss certain topics. And, as a diary blog, I want to talk about myself too.

The contents of this blog will probably become not as in order as before. I thought I would stop updating after finishing the events in 2019, but there really are things that I still want to talk about. And, because I am weak and not able to do much, at least I want to use this blog to contribute, and at the same time reflect.

We are now expecting this fight to last long... Maybe more than one or two years. Maybe we thought this is just one long project, but it is actually a lifetime work. We need to find ways to break through, and to regulate ourselves in order to fight on.

[dystopianflowerhk]

Recap: police violence

You know what, this blog has been very selective according to what I was exposed to and remember the most. This blog failed to address many problems, and missed out many unforgettable and/or unforgivable incidents. My emotional response was also delayed for many instances, and I have become more secluded nowadays.

But here, click and look at this article. This is a list of 10 incidents where police used unacceptable violence, often at innocent and harmless people. The most horrible ones are not even included here. These are only a tiny portion of all that has been reported, can you imagine how many more enraging things the police have done?

And now, the police are getting 10 times the subsidies they had in the past, according to the budget 2020, and this will be bundled with the $10000 for each adult citizen to ease finance during the plague.

Look at it. And never forget what Hong Kong people suffered.

[dystopianflowerhk]

Christmas

December was relatively calm, with various rallies being organized and protesters trying to send warmth to those being arrested. We still think of Christmas as a festival to celebrate together, but the mood on the street is significantly lower than previous years. There was not much decorations, as if Christmas never arrived.

Christmas has always been an important festival for me, I always hope for warmth in a cold season. This is also possibly the last Christmas for our group. I suggested to have a party, and after some discussion and accommodation, we organized two Christmas game parties. T and I kept ourselves busy during the preparation, and we knew that this Christmas was a hard one, nonetheless we made the parties happen, and we enjoyed them.

I worked especially hard on making gingerbread men for my friends. I tried a few times before I got the near-perfect recipe for my “less-sweet, more-ginger gingerbread man��. Actually I don’t like cooking, but gingerbread man is special. I started this personal tradition since the last year of secondary school, and by this I really want to let my beloved friends feel the warmth. I was glad they enjoyed them, saying that my gingerbread men were better than those you can buy.

We spent time with one another on the parties, playing games, ranting about lives. We were tired after the two days of parties. We were left with a sense of contented bittersweet. There were people who couldn’t join us, and we couldn’t be fully mentally present during the parties since we needed to pay attention to the time and safety. No Christmas trees, no exchanging gifts. But, it was enough.

And as we took a rest, 2020 has come.

[dystopianflowerhk]

Inside the heart

(Inside the heart, literal translation of Japanese kanji 心中, which means a double suicide performed by lovers.)

I went to see the movie No Longer Human: Dazai Osamu and His Three Women alone. Having fun is a luxury now. I mentioned committing double suicide in my letter to T, and he told me, he is willing to do it if after everything we’ve tried we still failed. I didn’t know whether to feel happy or sad. I am glad he would die with me, but I don’t want him to give up this world too. I am not Dazai Osamu, Dazai Osamu could invite his lovers to die with him, I cannot.

We met T’s boss in an exhibition. It seems the people in his office have heard and wondered about me. T’s family discussed about me too. I felt strangely warm, even though I don’t really know these people yet, it’s amazing how there are people thinking about me somewhere. I jokingly told T, “I’m your colleague now, I’m the office mascot.” I realized I need to tell others about him too.

At night, T sent me home, we hugged at the bus terminal, when suddenly a few police walked pass us. We stayed still. After they were gone, we laughed: what have we done?! We went lovey-dovey in front of the popo! It reminded me of a line in the movie, “We live for romance and revolution.”