departmentofobjectoidstudy

[departmentofobjectoidstudy]

Announcement

I (Wylde) was banned from social media by the Director but now I'm back! Feel free to ask me or any of the researchers more questions, however I was forced to sign an NDA pertaining to the reason I was temporarily banned, so I can't answer anything about that. If you look for me on tiktok, you might find it though 👀

-- Researcher Wylde

[departmentofobjectoidstudy]

Do people volunteer to become subjects? Are they ever paid?

Reply from Researcher Wylde:

Yeah, most of our subjects are volunteers. People sign up when they're pressed for cash because the DOS pays subjects quite well. There's also a program in place where objectoids in foreign countries can sign on with the DOS for a set number of years in exchange for U.S. citizenship and a free plane ticket to the States, which is really helpful for those in countries where objectoid servitude laws are still practiced.

[departmentofobjectoidstudy]

You lost a subject at sea?? Did you ever find them?

Reply from Researcher Wylde:

Unfortunately, it was before my time, so I don't know all the details.

Apparently, they found him recently, so I know he's alive, but we're not allowed to discuss the details, to avoid gossip and false rumors.

Dr. Everheart asked him repeatedly to come back as a subject again, but he always refuses.

P.S.

I went ahead and answered this one even though Dr. Everheart probably would have been able to answer better, because he's currently... unavailable. Sorry about that lol

[departmentofobjectoidstudy]

If a subject were to die, would you be criminally charged or would the organization protect you?

Reply from Researcher Wylde:

Unless it were caused by like crazy misconduct or something super unapproved by the board, everyone involved would be protected from charges if the subject were to die. It's never happened in my time here, though.

The DOS has a history of subject deaths, though, like a long time ago. They don't like to talk about it of course. They've gotten way better about ensuring tests stay as safe as possible, but there's always a risk of things going wrong, yk?

[departmentofobjectoidstudy]

Have you guys had any big breakthroughs in your research recently?

Reply from Dr. Everheart:

My work lately has been very specialized for each individual subject. There are rarely any breakthroughs that would apply to objectoids as a whole...

There was a time about five years ago when I was working towards understanding the oxygen intake of full-body objectoids (those whose entire body is made of an inorganic material), but my research was cancelled after an incident at sea resulted in the loss of the subject (not death, mind you), and I've been struggling to get anything particularly interesting approved by the board ever since.

[departmentofobjectoidstudy]

This edit was definitely made during my free time and anyone who tells you otherwise is a narc.

- Researcher Wylde

[departmentofobjectoidstudy]

To each member: who is your favorite coworker?

Reply from Dr. Everheart:

I don't know that I would say I have a favorite, however Dr. Fargo is the most efficient and capable of the members of my team. Although that is to be expected of her, since she is the head assistant.

Reply from Dr. Fargo:

Barring Dr. Everheart, since he is my boss, Researcher Skye is the most tolerable of the four field researchers.

Reply from Researcher Wylde:

Moore, for sure. We're best buds after all

Reply from Researcher Moore:

Wylde. He's fun lol

Reply from Researcher Skye:

I can't pick a favorite! All my teammates are a joy to work with!!

Reply from Researcher Hart:

Probably Skye. She's the most sane.

[departmentofobjectoidstudy]

Rule #95: "The vibes are off today" is not a valid excuse to not come to work.

Art by @sketchycc

[departmentofobjectoidstudy]

How does the Everheart Research Team feel about the other research teams/branches? Do you guys ever work together are you mostly separated?

Reply from Dr. Everheart:

We mostly work independently. There are four different teams at the San Francisco DOS facility. Two of them specialize in combat training, so we don't have a lot of overlap with them. The other one is Dr. Sharpe's research team, who also handles research and development like me, but he is remarkably stingy with his test subjects and does not allow me to borrow them ever. From what I understand, he dislikes me greatly and does not trust me with his subjects.

[departmentofobjectoidstudy]

Reply from Dr. Everheart:

I was deemed too distracting.

Rule #17: Male scientists are not permitted to wear a dress to formal events.

art by: rabbitjaguar

[departmentofobjectoidstudy]

What kind of specific research or experiments do you guys even do?

Reply from Researcher Wylde:

This is kind of a difficult question to answer broadly because our tests are very specific to the subject we're running them on.

Basically, our job is to find the limits of an objectoid's power and then try to push them past that, in order to achieve their full potential and optimize their power for law enforcement use (if they decide to go that route). Dr. Everheart also takes a keen interest in the inner workings of an objectoid's anatomy, how their object parts connect to the human parts, and so on, but this is more difficult to safely explore...

Sometimes our experiments involve the kind of stuff you might see in action films, and those are my favorite.

Art by Clarincy

[departmentofobjectoidstudy]

Who runs the DOS tumblr page?

Reply from Researcher Wylde:

The Everheart research team has been left in charge of running the official DOS tumblr page, because I and Researcher Skye have experience running social media pages. Answers to questions will mostly come from either me or Dr. E himself unless they're directed at someone specifically.

[departmentofobjectoidstudy]

Rule #17: Male scientists are not permitted to wear a dress to formal events.

art by: @rabbitjaguar

[departmentofobjectoidstudy]

Rule #8: Researchers are prohibited from hanging "Local Wizard" plaque on or near the head scientists' door.

Art by myscatteredlife

[departmentofobjectoidstudy]

Rule #14: Gluing the letter T over the “go” in Dr. Fargo’s name is prohibited.

Art by MEATURCHIN

[departmentofobjectoidstudy]

The Everheart Amendment 76-99

Dr. Everheart is known to follow the DOS rules and regulations to the letter, but no further. If there isn't a rule against a specific action, he sees no wrong in doing it. Because of this outlook, there is a set of rules in the DOS guidelines that were implemented specifically because of him and his team (particularly Researcher Wylde). This ever-growing list of do's and don't's (but mostly don't's) is known colloquially as the "Everheart Amendment." It consists of rules put in place by the board of directors after having witnessed Dr. Everheart or his team members perform, plan to perform, or suggest/threaten to perform the actions mentioned within them.

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76. Dr. Helen Fargo is prohibited from hiding Dr. Everheart’s Nintendo DS, Dr. Everheart's snacks, or any items within her cleavage. 77. Testing footage is not to be submitted to Tosh.0. a. Or Ridiculousness. b. Or America's Funniest Home Videos. c. Researcher Wylde, we’re warning you. 78. Subjects who successfully complete tests do not receive an item from a treasure box. a. Nor do they receive a sticker, candy bar, or lollipop. 79. Wearing a Burger King crown does not put you above the board of directors’ orders. 80. The DOS does not have scheduled musical number protocols. a. There is no "Everheart: the Musical" in production. 81. No facilities in the DOS Research Center are to be referred to as an "evil lair," "den of sin," or "man cave." 82. "There are no rules" is a false statement, and personnel may not misinform new employees by stating such a phrase. 83. "Rules are made to be broken" does not apply to the DOS or any of its employees. a. Neither does “rules schmules.” 84. Employees who are fired or laid off are not sent to the "Shadow Realm." 85. Personnel are not to use cardboard boxes to hide themselves when attempting to enter restricted areas. 86. Tin foil hats are prohibited in DOS facilities. a. As are any other clothing items that are made from tin foil. 87. None of the DOS personnel are to be referred to as “weapons of ass destruction.” 88. Personnel are prohibited from programming Doom onto any DOS technology. 89. Instructional briefs on combat-oriented tests are not to contain the phrase “if you die in the game, you die in real life.” 90. Researchers are prohibited from purposefully getting more rules added to the amendment in order to “hit the triple digits.” 91. Researcher William Wylde is not in any way related to or affiliated with an American rock musician, and is not allowed to promise autographs from said musician in exchange for favors. 92. Access badges are not to be given to Girl Scouts so they can sell cookies within secure DOS facilities. 93. Personnel are not to have their buttocks anywhere near open flames. 94. Subject #046 is not to be flipped upside down and spun on her propellers. a. Nor are regular DOS helicopters. 95. "The vibes are off today" is not a valid excuse to not come to work. 96. Fursuits and mascot costumes are strictly prohibited from being worn on facility grounds. 97. Breaking three rules in a row does not result in a free sundae. 98. The head scientist's orders do not take priority over the listed rules. 99. Employees can not use "Oz-Bucks" they saved up to bypass any rules. a. They can not bypass this rule, either.

[departmentofobjectoidstudy]

The Everheart Amendment 51-75

Dr. Everheart is known to follow the DOS rules and regulations to the letter, but no further. If there isn't a rule against a specific action, he sees no wrong in doing it. Because of this outlook, there is a set of rules in the DOS guidelines that were implemented specifically because of him and his team (particularly Researcher Wylde). This ever-growing list of do's and don't's (but mostly don't's) is known colloquially as the "Everheart Amendment." It consists of rules put in place by the board of directors after having witnessed Dr. Everheart or his team members perform, plan to perform, or suggest/threaten to perform the actions mentioned within them.

Previous - Next

51. The board of directors are not to be referred to as the “fun police.” 52. Excessive use of brass instruments will result in said object being confiscated and possibly destroyed. a. This goes for woodwind and percussion instruments as well. 53. The Floor Is Lava is prohibited, excluding occasions where actual molten lava has been spilled on facility grounds. 54. Researchers are not allowed to disguise themselves as head scientists in order to access the head scientists' lounge. a. Nor is Dr. Oslac Everheart allowed to dress a researcher up as himself in order to avoid meetings. 55. DOS personnel are prohibited from telling civilians that birds are “cameras that work for the government.” 56. Nerf Guns are only permitted in the testing rooms for approved testing purposes. a. As are genuine firearms. 57. Dr. Oslac Everheart is not allowed to pose as Dr. Jude Everheart on any occasion. a. Nor is Dr. Oslac Everheart allowed to enlist Dr. Jude Everheart to pose as him so he can avoid meetings. 58. After the repeated incidents and mishaps, personnel are now banned from bringing baked beans to the facility. Editor's Note: I hope the Reddit Gold was worth it, Wylde. 59. New employees are not to be described as any species of simian. 60. Researchers are not allowed to edit the audio of test footage. a. They are especially prohibited from attaching sounds from "Ed Edd N Eddy" to test footage. 61. Dr. Oslac Everheart is not allowed to refer to any of his facilities as "The Land of Oz." a. Nor are any researchers. 62. Researchers are prohibited from writing “that’s wild” in the comment box on official data analysis documents. a. “That’s wylde” is also prohibited. 63. Vehicle objectoids are prohibited from being driven in facility halls. 64. Head scientists are not allowed to intimidate interns by claiming they will, "piss on your cat," "harvest your teeth," or "eat your girlfriend." a. Nor are head scientists allowed to tell interns to "say goodbye to your eyelashes." b. Nor can they threaten to "steal your bone marrow." c. Oslac, be nice to the interns. 65. Male researchers are not allowed to post "Girls Only" signs on the entrances to DOS facilities in order to get time off. a. Nor are they allowed to post "No Boys Allowed" signs. 66. Head scientists do not, and shall not, keep the heads of previous head scientists cryogenically frozen in the research center's basement. 67. Researchers outside of Dr. Everheart’s team are not “normies.” 68. “Wouldn’t you like to know” is not a proper response when asked about test or experiment results. 69. Dress code violation is not an assertion of dominance. 70. Scientists are not allowed to smuggle Nature Valley Crunch Bars into testing sites. 71. Board meeting guests may not bring wooden planks with faces drawn on them. 72. Head scientists may not purposefully "ghost" the board of directors, especially when they know they are doing something wrong. 73. Researchers are not allowed to run an OnlyFans account consisting of: pictures of Dr. Everheart asleep, pictures of Dr. Everheart from behind, pictures of Dr. Everheart drinking energy drinks, or pictures of Dr. Everheart pointing at the camera. a. Nor are they allowed to have an OnlyFans account consisting entirely of Dr. Everheart’s left hand. b. Researchers are no longer permitted to have an OnlyFans account. 74. "Ask for forgiveness, not for permission" is not the motto of any DOS research team, nor should it be treated as such. 75. The Cupid Shuffle is not an authorized mobility test. b. Nor is the Cha Cha Slide.