confusedfeelsbutokay

[confusedfeelsbutokay]

"REACHING ART"

This is where I say that my life has turned into a phenomenal event, wherein people just come and go, and all ex's turned into my worst nightmare, trusting them too much made me create an art.

Once I do them wrong, I expect to get bad news and lies about their hidden personality. I can only stay hidden in my shadows afraid to make a wrong move that made me realize that I had positioned my "King" in the wrong corner playing chess the whole time.

Encircling the path where it loops, is the art of how imperfect life goes. It is either you erase those excess lines or stay in that form, trying to figure out what went wrong instead of correcting them will eventually make things more complicated to understand the art.

I can never be the person I want to be, which creates a perfect form of grotesque art, it is unforeseen to be in a situation in which people try to understand the art, expecting you to get appreciated in the end.

How can you reach the level of uncertainty of understanding what is behind that art?

[confusedfeelsbutokay]

Today is my Birthday

Today is my birthday! 4rth of march...

But then again, I won’t be ever happy with it, for hence I wasn’t given a chance to celebrate parties on my own behalf that actually made my day superiorly happy, rather, it really wasn’t a special occasion to be occurred with. With each year, I thought about not having to stressed about parties on my own behalf, for such giving gifts is not my thing, so might as well won’t receive any, just hardworking and determination from the job I’ve got, is already and will be enough to earn one of those things I wanted to have. 

It never occurred once to me that I should be getting an XBOX, a Nintendo switch or any presents to which I loved to have on my birthdays. Then, I never had the chance to get it, to my own disappointment, I considered from the very top that I will either work hard from it or sell my own kidney. As I say, those who were privileged, was given their blessed from their God’s as to where my own mother hypocrisy couldn’t have those blessings as to my dismay. But, I shouldn’t fret for those I was given an opportinity to have what it takes to at least even work hard.

As for my birthday is just the feeling of any normal days I had but with foods and cakes, and nothing else is there. “Why don’t you invite your friends?” 

“Friends?”

…oh yeah sure sure

Never got the feeling I had any, but for my expectations, they are just another reasons to set my boundaries out of my case, I don’t want to sound pessimist, but for the past few months, I’ve stayed on my own, feeling contented. Never got to do anything besides being myself, isolating from the people whom I thought was my friends. All I got to be was my own person who got my back, and that….. I’ve learned from my birthdays that has been passed. 

I don’t need anyone who I invited, share another year of my existence and will leave me again as for another year that my birthday will come and they are not their anymore. I don’t need those birthdays, just makes me feel like I’ve completed another miserable year just to experience another miserable year on my next birthday. It is just so….

…..miserable

[confusedfeelsbutokay]

The abandonment issue I got from my best friend for 4 years suddenly cut me off.

Is it impossible to be in the right place for a relationship with anyone right now? When I am just too much stressing about how to do with myself each time I try to correct my life decisions. How does it affect me so much that it really ruined me for being committed to a lost friendship?

It really bothers me until now the words and sentences that she left me, each time i scar myself with those letters turns into words that is really hard to accept and process the emotions of ones I am with all my heart benefits from healing. As from the world I know, it may have been hard to process the healing of one’s trauma, it takes a tremendous time to be able to be go ahead on life which indicates that you are at least in capable of owning the title of being a mentally stable person out there.

As I may speak, my best-friend for 4 years at least given me a heads up to let go of all the familiarities and move on from the fact that we are back again from being strangers and not to be seen as if we have been part of our lives together. She totally cuts me off from her life, for all the things that mattered didn’t matter to her the most. It was not okay, but I just accepted it like an idiot, never finding out the reasons why too she have been able to tell all those things from me without patiently waiting for me to come home from Dubai, and just casually tell me through the phone like some heart-rob who broke up with her girlfriend just using words that you read behind those screens featured system and apps on which you usually send messages from. It took a lot of understanding and disturbance of sleep from the overthinking process on HER behalf, -the audacity- but it didn’t matter at least because they were not from the endorsement of apologizing, but from which she’s just a bitch and problematic scorpio-ic person that could’ve done a great job ghosting and cutting people off just like stating a very unresolvable equation from math that even Einstein could not comprehend because it is that emotionally harmful to just think about it, you could bet a soul from the demon and still wouldn't understand of all the meanings behind it.

I could be ranting or probably just angry and ranting at the same time! even if it's all a year back ago, but fuck her mental mindset…. It is so traumatizing that even this part of my blog doesn’t make any sense anymore. It was once great but then it sounds completely off, just like her! I’m trying not to matter things anymore, but it was just so pathetic that I can’t forget about her suicidal attempt, which set her off failed, and that actually brought her to the hospital and me being there by her side from the time being, and as for the moment I am writing this, remembering her has set me into hyperventilating situation from the cup of coffee I took twice today, that even her own existence or just being existing makes my breath just as slow as astronauts walk from the moon. 

Even if apologizing would change something, I won’t forgive her sorry ass, just because I’m gay and figuring out if falling in love with her was the right option before her having a partner and casually saying that she’s asexual, then caught up with someone else’s dick, definitely do not deserve her as a friend, 'lying' wouldn’t even consider her own permanent job, and to which falling in love with her was the WORST!!!! situation that I have ever experienced.

I was still happy for her, she did get what she wanted, a dick…. Just kidding, but in the end, she was still a whore deeply inside my heart, and I love my best friend just like how she loves me. 

Until then, I was that girl who was afraid of getting abandoned by someone like her, so I abandon those who is not worth taking any of my risks. Sounds toxic? Trust me. I don’t feel any of that guilt within my conscience, I just happen to know my own self-worth.

[confusedfeelsbutokay]

When someone asks you to critique the thing they’re working on, don’t actually focus too hard on your own preferences.

You’ve gotta train yourself to see when something is a good form of something you don’t like.

For example, maybe you hate horror movies. But your friend has a screenplay for a horror movie they want you to look at. If you agree to look at it, don’t say “I don’t like that this has a jump scare.” It’s a horror movie. They’re gonna have jump scares written into them.

Instead, think about how it works as a horror movie. Instead say “I don’t know if this is the right moment for this” or “I think that’s the perfect moment for this. I think that’ll be effective.”

Try to see what the person was going for. Think about the medium they’re working in. Think about how it’ll come across to someone that doesn’t know them. How would a fan of this type of entertainment react to this?

Don’t just say “I don’t like romance plots I think you should get rid of it” or “I like stories about parental issues so nice job.” and move on. If you actually legitimately want to give constructive criticism on a work in progress you need to consider what the actual goals of the work are and not just what you personally like or don’t like.

[confusedfeelsbutokay]

"Strained memory" - Entry No. 1 of my journal blog.

HI! I know it has been so long till my last update.

Before I write this, I promise not to expect someone to even dropped an eye to read this blog, for I will or may, have to dropped a sensitive topic to fall into place here and may spread or whatsoever. I may have expressed it too much here, so here we go.



Every time I have to say "Affording a psychological help from a doctor is expensive." ITS TRUE! I only tried once and never came back, and I just have to act im better so they wouldn't spend another dime just to help me to get better at being. Well.... 



like this



Somewhere around the time i have to set myself in the shower, rubbing my skin pores to remove any dirt residue, i have to be reminded why I have abandonment issues. 

Why do I leave guy first? 

Well, it isn't easy at first, I have to slowly accept the situation wherein i can not see myself crying to sleep just because I never anticipated that, in the end, I was the one who will get abandon first. 



It started when my mom, decided to let me alone sleeping at first night and coming home at morning, sometimes on the other day around, maximum approximately around 4 days, and that's the cause of her own Gambling addiction to where my birthday money - sometimes - that I have received from my auntie's will be spent on her own spectrum.

That leaves to where my stepfather has to take care of me, a bald addict cunt. He was nice to me, and he loves my mother. But I will never know why I was being touched to where it shouldn't be.

It is then, when, I got curious to why he was nodding and letting his p**is wiggle around my confused, dumb, innocent looking face. I WAS 4!!! 4 FU**ING YEARS OLD! It suddenly releases white liquid… thinking it was this sweet, oozing milk candy. licking made me realize i would regret it sooner or later. 

Stupid girl, thinking it was a smart move not telling her mom about anything, because she knows her fate of dying would be around in the hands of rapists. 

And if i think about it now, I cant even bother stop thinking the sweet death of mine would be in the hands of rapists. As a matter of fact, I wanted to die for the time being now.

Till then, it was something so specific that it just scars me in a way i can not explain. Even if someone did, how will it be on helping me to erase the scenarios I was desperately needed to get rid of. I can never lie about what happened, even if I did, I could never!! ever!! even made a document about my life right now. and I would be that mentally stable and strong minded type of person. Could’ve been better if it is on the other way around. Just like what i said, it was something to put my emotions too aside. Something like this to bottle it all up. That is unhealthy habit of mine, i am still asking for help, but i know in the end, i will not be contented, and i am still waiting, that at least anything! or anyone, just come in and accept the past i have hindering within myself to be fully conversed into healing. Someday...

[confusedfeelsbutokay]

Moon in season

You can't expect someone who's unintentional change any hobbies, write anything, anytime they want. They are bothered why can't they stay in one hobby at a time, stay in one fashion in a whole week without changing their aesthetics what fits them. Aren't they contented?

No.

[confusedfeelsbutokay]

-A DREAM WHERE I TURNED INTO A VENGEFUL GHOST-

In my dream, i was doing fine in school, all people loved me because of my confidence, no one hated me. -as i thought- then later on. there was an event going on in our school, so i prepared our settings of our booth, and such, then me and my friends sat down beside the booth since were tired and the event is starting. While the MC is infront of the stage talking, some fucking bitch keeps throwing some crumbs on top of me. So i suddenly get up to confront her. She wasn't mad but suddenly told her mom about it. I was kinda shock, i confronted the mother calmly, then she let out a camera, paper and pencil to video taped and recorded everything i said, i was gonna talk then i saw the bitch twirling and eye swearing me, she must be confident on her mother to what she gonna do. i couldn't speak, since i thought the mother would gave them a fake news that could ruined my reputation. I just ignored them.

After the event, the other day i went to school some students keeps on staring and talking behind my backs. "so the fake news came out, even tho i didnt do anything."

I was outside the court, i knew i was gonna die that day, so i left a video tape about me. Later on, some students keeps on throwing foods at me, then something small and painful i felt around my skin, they started throwing some things aggressively at me. later on, some rocks, sharp pencils, and cutters. I got home with bruises and wounds. I couldn't handle my feelings anymore, so i take a walk around the woods near my school. I saw trees there, and then i hang myself.

The school held no responsibility, but i left a taped, so it could leaked around the world, the video taped contains, on why i died, "i knew that the girl was very mad at me, because she loved miguel, but miguel chooses me." that's the most highlight of the video tape i remembered.

Years have passed. They're already a 4rth year college, but i died around my SHS days. I noticed that i was walking around the school hallway, no one can saw me, but i can see the big changes around me. I see my teachers, they are getting old. I saw my old classmates too. While walking. I noticed someone, that girl.... and all their faces, ive noticed them all. They are still here in this school taking their college life. Then i saw my boyfriend, Miguel, and she was with her..... Ive become so mad. I started plotting some revenge.

Every students ive stumble upon. I killed each one of them, i pushed them off the building, 10th floor high, i entered their bodies and used it to hurt themselves till they die.

I was saving the girl that caused my death. I want to do it dirty and gory.

While she was walking in the hallway later at night, she noticed that there was a classroom that has left open, it was the media room. She entered. There she saw a video playing. She was shocked to see my face. I keep repeating her name, again and again, I even played the video of my slowly dying. Then stopped. I looked at her. I smiled, then said "remember me?" She started to run. But i closed the door and locked it. I slowly ripped off each wooden chair into sharp ones and slowly throwing it against her. First, i hit her arms, it bled, second, her left foot, it bled, she was screaming to the pain, then the right foot, she cried blood, lastly, i repeatedly aiming it to her stomach, i can see her guts falling to the floor, then to heart and eyes at the same time. Silently, she died.

Ive noticed that im still walking around the school. I was still not contented, then i remembered the mother who framed me. I am ready for the attack. (I cant tell the other details of my dreams, because it wasnt that important.) Ive come to her condo, then while she was busy, i suddenly grabbed her neck, and choked her to death.

Im still walking freely, im not gone yet. I took a visit to my mom's home, they were having fun. My mom let a smile to everything she does, then someone grabbed my hand. It was my Tita, she put me standing in the chair like an object. I can see my arms fading in the faintly day light. My mom talked to me. She can see me? "You can see me?" she said yes, and smiled. I cried and hugged her. I was in a rush. Then my tita said "Your mom misses you, dont you wanna stay here?"

"I can't, i need to go away forever."

They gave me a small smile, it was painful. I then floats away, then it brought me to the woods where i hanged myself. My job was finish, i can see my self fading  in the transparent light. Then i saw miguel, i thought he didn’t remember me anymore, he was just standing there, in the place where i died, looking up in the trees. I hugged him for the last time.

"I don't wanna goo..." i cried. Then i faded with the lights on my back.

I woke up, feeling so subtle to what did i just dreamed.

[confusedfeelsbutokay]

“I have my own Fear.”

It was an ordinary Monday morning, and I woke up sweating since it’s a hot day like any other day. It’s totally bare months, but why is it so hot in the morning. So I started thinking that this day would not get normal.

I fixed my bed, and head out to the shower room, usual morning routine, I take a bath 30 mins and, eat, then fix my make up, then we ready to go. Monday Morning, that was set to be the most difficult day of my life. I am ready, but still mentally tired.

A classroom filled with laughter and an avoidable sense of a feeling called anxiety has started to work through-out my brain and my body at the same time. It's normal. It's not normal. My mood swing starts and I easily get too annoyed anywhere around me. This has gotten too worrisome that I would explode anytime soon.

I chatted and tell jokes to my friends so they wouldn't notice the feeling of fear. There isn't much anytime left to go through this since I couldn't get around through it, it was much tougher than I thought it would be. I sense people staring at me, "Maybe because I look weird, is it my make up? Do I look intense? What? Where?." STOP!

I live with a goal every single day, that I would let out a smile whenever I walk pass around them and, greet with unbelievable optimism. Instead, all I did was the opposite, everything is the opposite, I was fake to them, and so they were.

The fear is back, on which I sense unexpectedly.

I keep telling myself, to just stop smiling, since it was so fake that they start talking behind your back. You know that stupid

I fear abandonment, I fear social interaction, I fear myself.

[confusedfeelsbutokay]

That one friend I want to thank you for.

I know I've always let my guard down, but I’m thankful that you stayed there by my side. I always had my ups-down as a person, and also as a friend, But, nobody is perfect, we always had that situation that seems to be so wrong to other people’s eye. Then I found out, you’re not like any other. You’re more unique and has the clearest soul I’ve ever known. That I didn’t even know that the word “exquisiteness” -- as I perhaps perceived you -- still exist somewhere there and formed as a friend of mine. I owe you everything you did for today. 

I know that you also know, that the information I gave, isn’t enough to prove my provision for you to fully understand, perhaps, you may also feel the same way. But as I speak, I was truly afraid and can not speak but blabberish, which makes it more difficult for me, since I am not sure if you're believing in my own statement or whatsoever. But all of it somehow is the truth. The truth that has other stories that I kept within only by myself’s dignity. It’s not like I don’t trust you, it’s also on my behalfs.

But this day, you prove to me that you’re not the kind of any other friend that I know within myself can only know, but you're the best kind. And I am thankful for lending me your ear once again. I owe you my deepest appreciation, and I hope you witness it someday. 

This is me once again.

-minoxoxo 

[confusedfeelsbutokay]

Nobody knows, Nobody can know.

Despite on everything I had, I'm perfectly fine with it. Having a laptop, an old touchphone, wifi, and one friend. It's like I have it all. But something really matters to me that I couldn't let go, my family. It's not like I don't like them, but I dislike how they treat me.

Why? They have every attitude that my other friends don't have. I have the feeling of self-loathing, because of them, the insecurities I have towards them, at the same time feeling the disgust on how they treat each other. My auntie has this, had this, have this and have that, so does my cousins. It's like a perfect little family, and that's what I don't have.

Now let's go to the subject that matter, wherein, I hate them so much, that I really wanted to die. I never really ask to be made and lived to this very day. I’m such a coward because I couldn't even let myself die. I wanted them to feel what I feel, I blame them for not treating me as their sister, a daughter, cousin, or so like any other. All they did was to pass me a li’l bit of nice gesture and care, then poof! they have their attention from my great cousins.

The cousins that I have are the ones who give what it takes to impress my sisters and my mother. While me.... just slacking off! They even got to the University that they like, ME!!! I JUST WANT TO GRADUATE! And they sure will despise me if I didn't reach their fucking expectation to get to the University with my cousins. Nobody knows what I feel, cause they only think about their pride. That’s how I feel about them. As I said, I’m not that highly educational to surpass their every argument on me. I’m weak to them, since I’m the youngest, and get their high expectations to me instead.

Don’t put the blame on me on why you didn’t graduate college! Why do I have to catch your dream! I literally have mine! What is wrong with all of you? Why me? Why am I only feeling this all alone? I hate this, I despise you all. But in the end, this is all just in me, nobody can know because they don’t care.

Not all have it great to live in this world. I just want to write all my feelings in a simplicity, here in my blog. No matter what I say or does. All they have to do is to read this, I'm not as great as a person, and I'm also not so great with writing. But writing this, I feel a li’l bit better. I don't have anyone to talk to but myself and the one who's reading this. Thank you. I hope that someday this will reach anyone and give me a little bit of support.

-minoxoxo

[confusedfeelsbutokay]

Why so uptight? Was it your rule?

blog by: minoxoxo

Friends? nah. 

Why are you so mad about what I did? it’s not like I hurt you. You’re not my target, so don’t be a victim. Aren’t you forgetting what he did once to me? now you’re all against me like. Ouch!

That’s fine, he’s broken. The tables have turned, can you feel that? So cruel that you didn’t even consider to have a little bit of empathy. I tried to make you listen for the last time, but you didn't entrust to lend me your ear for once, but it’s your way, right?

You noticed that he’s bleeding while me, it was just a neutral feeling for me not to care. I never give a shit anyway. 

You have a lot of friends anyway, I see. You can have them as your back up, don’t worry. I’m worn out to have a one-sided pickled stick to grab me behind my back. 

Did someone even realize that you once loved a girl that has been always been broken? I’m sorry that even once you didn’t even realize that. It’s my fault that I always dreamed to have you as the biggest mistake of my life, which you already are and has been entirely that way. 

So bitter of me, but you can have your playmate play with your stupid rules, and once you become the victim, they will accuse the naked truth that has the rightful victim on being at fault for everything they do? Oh wow! Don’t be so soft, it’s so not like you. Don’t play the victim card here.

It’s your own rule you chose that has hurt you foolishly. Perhaps, I’m wrong, but I just can’t play the villain, right? Without me, you won’t have your little dolls to play with you.

I have my rules, so I stepped out on being the “toxic” one on your foolish game. 

Why did I sign up for being the villain anyway? Wait.

“I never did. You just turned me into one.”

[confusedfeelsbutokay]

A quote

[confusedfeelsbutokay]

I do that. No joke. Being Pisces is no joke!

Virgo: Why are Scorpio and Pisces sitting back to back?

Libra: They had a fight.

Virgo: Why are they holding hands?

Libra: Pisces gets sad when they fight.

[confusedfeelsbutokay]

I’m not writing

I'm expressing through writing. I hope someone would notice or appreciates what’s on my mind all along, I don’t know what am I doing, it’s hard to explain, but this is just a quick reminder that I'm just expressing, not writing. 

I’m failing to recognize what's on the other side of the road. I can’t seem to notice that I'm living. I’m actually surviving. 

I'm writing, not because I have a huge vocabulary skill, nor have good grammar. Yes, I failed my English test, but it doesn’t mean that will stop me from expressing my own thoughts through writing. I can do many things to express, I practiced once in a blue moon, but if I achieved that, no matter how bad it turns out, I can still sing, write songs, draw, and paint. All of that becomes my daily hobby. But I have a goal in life that I want to achieve at the very least. I wanted to become a singer. A singer who also writes to reach those who’s willing to reach them.

It doesn’t matter if I get criticized all the way. I don’t care about how the fuck will people judge me or whatsoever. But if that comes, all I need to do is don’t resist. It’s their own opinion on others, and I'm not highly educational to challenge those who’s more above me. And if I still resist, that’s because I have reached my limitation. 

So, I’ll just keep on expressing and expressing all the way, that someday, it will reach someone, that writing is a blessing to those whose willing to express their thoughts and emotions. 

-minoxoxo

[confusedfeelsbutokay]

FOR NOW

Okay so uhm, I’m still on the good side of the Tumblr so far. Wherein, I don’t see any posts that contain disrupt statements from others. But I hope it doesn’t go there, for now.....

-minoxoxo

[confusedfeelsbutokay]

I really appreciate those who appreciate their own kind, from the way of their thinking to us -- writers. It’s admirable for us to see the support that they simply give and it motivates others so much. So thank you for this post that I will reblog with gratitude  :))

writing is so fucking beautiful to me.

every single writer puts some part of their soul into it, they put the deepest part and hide it somewhere then give it to others and whisper, “ find me. see me. “

writers are mostly introverts but they’re beautiful because when you do find them there is no hiding. they show the whole world their soul and go, “ find it. “

[confusedfeelsbutokay]

Nothing else to do

blog: minoxoxo

I had a time like this, where every thought inside my head would come out to be real. So real that I wished for the time to go back, wherein I could change my mistake. But in the end “I have nothing else to do about it.”

I can only think of the mistakes I did, over and over. It’s an unstoppable loop of nights just thinking about it. I quietly shout under my night pillow, so I couldn’t tear my face apart. The feelings I showed to all the one’s undeserving are unbearable and can not be obtained, but the rules in life are to apply mistakes and change for the better.

Perhaps, I’m still young to think about the stupidity that I made and still be sensitive around it. I can’t handle emotions well, so people come to me and tried their best to tolerate my situation on why am I being like this to them, it always been like that. I always intend to push them away. They came over to my life, I appreciate them with my very own existence. I loved them, I cared for them. It’s hard for them, I somehow turn on the wrong route to express my emotions that neither do all of them, can’t fathom the puzzle I made from myself. 

If I’ve known them before, then now is the time to have doubts. On which, it runs nonstop to my head that someday they’re going to leave me soon. So I plan to destroy them. Some parts always show I intended to, but at the same time, they just automatically leave. They’re disgusted on how my personality runs through the emotions that show every side of me. 

And if they leave, it always indicates that they don’t have any interest to be with you anymore, they don’t invite you to parties and plans they had throughout the summer days. Now, the sign shows that I’m the worst person they’ve known. Yet the toxic one to them. 

Perhaps, it’s all in backward. But you’ll never know. Because when that person leaves and had enough, you have nothing else to do about it.