bpdpotato

[bpdpotato]

you took two hours to reply??? well joke's on you because i know how to play this game and will reply in roughly 2 seconds

[bpdpotato]

you traumatized me for a lifetime, but it was just another sunday afternoon for you.

[bpdpotato]

I hate being the one that constantly responds fast. I so badly try to match other people's energy and respond minutes/hours later but I just can't. It eats me when they take super long to respond and they don't apologize for it or tell me why they took long and I hate that about this stupid fucking disorder because rationally I know they don't owe me an explanation for what they do with their time but unfortunately there's nothing rational about BPD. So I sit there and wait for their response like a sick puppy, fearing that they're ignoring me or they've abandoned me. and I try to not be upset but this disorder is stronger than I am, and I hate it. I hate everything about being this way and I know that no one could ever truly love me because of how this disorder makes me. I'm unbearable to be with. I know my partner probably feels that way too, he's just too nice to say it. I hate myself and what this disorder has turned me into.

[bpdpotato]

i feel like you're slowly losing the love you had for me, and i don't know why. but i'm sorry.

[bpdpotato]

i wish i had a nice body, maybe then you'd love me.

[bpdpotato]

can you stop scrolling and please beat me to death 💕🌸🎀

[bpdpotato]

every time i see pictures of people with their friends, partners, etc., when i see people's instagram stories of videos/pictures someone else took of them, i get a bit sad, because i have none of that.

i realised i don't really have any pictures of myself with friends, i don't have that many pictures of my partner and i, i don't have any pictures of myself that aren't selfies. all because body dysmorphia makes it impossible for me to allow other people to take pictures of me. i always hate the way i look.

my body is disgusting, my face is horrible, i never know how to pose which just makes it even more awkward. everything is just bad. and i wish i could just exist. i have missed out on taking pictures of so many fun memories all because i couldn't stand to see myself. i will never get over how much my mental illnesses have taken from me.

[bpdpotato]

body dysmorphia can't find me if my sweater is big enough 💅🏽

[bpdpotato]

my therapist: I feel like you're making a lot of good progress!

me, thinking of all the secrets i keep from her bc i don't want her to judge me: yes.

[bpdpotato]

i wish my body was worth loving.

[bpdpotato]

is it really that hard to love me?

[bpdpotato]

i can't wait to live in my own little space with my partner. our place will be filled with love and warmth, no one will go to sleep angry or sad, there will be no loud yelling, no slamming doors, no animosity. we will have lazy sundays eating our favourite snacks and watching silly movies or going on lovely drives. we will dance in our kitchen while we cook and do our chores. we'll cuddle into each other every night. we'll tell each other anything and everything and we'll never be ashamed. our space will be our own, and it will be filled with love.

[bpdpotato]

i often find myself on amazon and aliexpress, typing the keywords, "cute household appliances". saving them to my wishlist, saving them for the day i move out and start my own life.

i often find myself searching through property websites, scrolling through the apartments, suburb by suburb. i could never afford any of them, even the "affordable" options.

i often find myself dreaming of this life where i'm free, where i wake up in my own space, next to my loved one. we have a dog or two, i'm not obnoxiously wealthy, but i have enough to do more than just get by. my place is decorated in my favourite colours, there's a variety of teas for me to choose in my pantry. i bake every weekend, and it makes me happy. i haven't had nightmares in ages, i no longer sit on the bathroom floor and cry. i don't flinch anymore.

the bed is always made up, the sheets are always clean, the clothes are always washed. the dishes may linger for a while, but we're not in a hurry. we cook for each other every night, we dance in the kitchen to our favourite songs. the dogs are happy.

and then i wake up and realise that i'll probably never live that life.

but i bought myself a chai latte today, i got an extra slice of cheesecake. i bought a nice jacket i liked. and maybe that's enough, for now.

[bpdpotato]

me: never again

also me: agains

[bpdpotato]

it's so hard having an eating disorder bc all you wanna do is eat but it fills you with so much guilt and self-hatred that you don't even wanna do that anymore.

[bpdpotato]

people who do their research on the mental illnesses that their partner/friend has, deserve the entire world

[bpdpotato]

honestly i'm tired of expending my energy where it's not reciprocated. i'm tired of going out of my way to make people feel loved and special and never getting that back. i'm just tired.