batfamspews

[batfamspews]

Nightwing: Alright you nuisance! Time to go back to jail where you belong!

Crook: TRY TELLIN’ THAT TO MY GUN!

Red Hood *from the rooftop of another building*: Hold on a second. Is that who I think it is?

Crook *startled*: Hood?

Red Hood *jumping down from the building and landing in front of the masked criminal*: Heeey, Tony! Long time no see!

Crook (apparently named Tony): Hood! I haven’t seen you since you put me in rehab!

Red Hood *slowly taking the gun from Tony and placing his hand on his shoulder*: True! What happened dude? I thought it was going well.

Tony: Well, it was. I don’t really know what happened.

Red Hood *Chuckles*: Tony, are you off your medicine again?

Tony: Ah, yes, now that you mention it, it has been a while since I took that. I was feeling great, so I didn’t think I needed it anymore.

Red Hood: Remember what we talked about last time this happened?

Tony *thinking*: Uuuuh I’m not sure. Oh! That’s right! You told me to talk to a doctor when I had questions about my medicine!

Red Hood: That’s right! Don’t you think you should have done that before you stopped taking it this time?

Tony: Should I have? Aw man, I probably should have. I messed up, didn’t I?

Red Hood: Yeah, but we all mess up sometimes. The important thing is that nobody got hurt. We might want to get you back to rehab before you make another decision you regret though.

Tony: Yeah, you’re probably right. Will you come visit me this time?

Red Hood *putting his arm around his shoulder*: Will do. Gotta make sure you don’t get into any trouble!

*A few hours later*

Dick: Jason that was incredible! How’d you know him like that.

Jason *Shrugging*: I try to make a point of getting to know all my villains personally, at least a little bit. Helps me figure out what’s actually going on in their head and predict what they’ll do. I also noticed they usually listen to me more when I get to know them a bit and don’t just see them as the bad guy, even when everybody else does.

Dick: That’s amazing, I’m going to have to try that. Where did you learn to do that?

Jason *getting a flash back to when he first met Bruce while stealing the tires off the Batmobile*: Heh. I guess I’m just a natural.

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Bruce: As you all know, this mission is going to be dangerous so I want you guys to pair up. Whoever’s left over will go with me.

Sounds of people shuffling around the room followed by an awkward silence

Jason (only one standing alone without a teammate): …

Jason: Wooooow do I really scare you guys that much? You guys are really going to stick me with that old fart?

Dick: Sorry, Jason. I promised Damian I’d team with him this time.

Damian: Yes. Last time I did a mission with you Todd, you threw me off a building.

Steph: Cassie and I have been dyyyyying to work together for the longest time and this is the first time our schedules have aligned for long enough to do it.

Cass: Nods in agreement Tim: Last time we worked together you called me a nerd the whole time, completely disregard the plan and almost got us both killed.

Duke: I am genuinely just scared of you.

Jason: … You know, all pretty valid points. Looks like it’s you and me, old man.

Bruce *pinching his brow*: I knew this was a bad idea…

[batfamspews]

Dick, telling Bruce about a high school peer during a family dinner: And I was like, look, getting a rescue dog is great but maybe wait it out a bit. You’re too busy to take care of it and wouldn’t necessarily be “rescuing it” by putting it into another bad situation.

Jason kicking back in his chair and twirling his fork: Wish Bruce had thought of that before he “rescued” all of us, huh?

Everybody turns and glares at him

Jason: What?

[batfamspews]

What I think the bat kids’ favorite social media platforms would be

Dick: Snapchat, purely because he likes messing around with filters and customizing his avatar. He also nicknamed his ai ChatBot and poured out his heart to it a few times.

Jason: Pinterest, but he doesn’t want other people to know it. He has mood boards for his favorite pieces of literature on there.

Tim: Reddit. When he’s having a hard day, proving people wrong gives him the ego boost he needs.

Damian: This boy communicates exclusively through Gmail. Jon also is only aloud to have an email account, so sometimes they’ll write back and forth.

Duke: Idk how to explain it, but he’s definitely a YouTube shorts guy.

Steph: Instagram junkie. Sometimes she gets scolded during family dinners for liking mildly disturbing reels. She thinks it’s funny.

Babs: Created a Discord when she was 13. Still uses it.

Casa: Facebook. She thinks the middle aged mom jokes are funny and shows them to the rest of the family. They fake laugh so she doesn’t feel bad.

Bruce: Twitter. Need I say more?

[batfamspews]

This is satire but seriously…

Babs: Bruce I know I may be getting a little ahead of myself but since Damian put down the mantle I’ve been looking out for a new Robin and I think I might have found the perfect one. Bruce: Oh really? What makes him so perfect?

Babs: Well, first of all he’s a boy genius. He’s only thirteen years old and he’s already graduated high school and is now studying med school.

Bruce: Intriguing. And the parents?

Babs: Dead. Casualty of the bombing downtown last Saturday. He has no known relatives. Bruce: I see. And physical abilities?

Babs: Extremely athletic. He placed first in his division for poll vaulting– for the whole state of New Jersey.

Bruce: *visibly getting excited* Excellent! And his moral compass? Babs: As humble and generous as they come. He serves out of his own free will in disaster relief efforts and raises money at his school for the victims.

Bruce: This kid sounds too good to be true! Do you think he would be willing to become my next Robin?

Babs: Very likely if it would mean getting adopted by the richest man in Gotham City and helping those in need. He also went Trick or Treating as Robin for the past 4 years, which I think is pretty telling.

Bruce: I can’t believe it! This is perfect! He couldn’t have come at a better time.

Babs: *hesitantly* There is one more thing Bruce.

Bruce: *Detecting the apprehension and raising his eyebrow* What is it Barbara…

Babs: Well, there is one thing that makes him a little bit different from the rest of the Robins. It’s not a big deal, just an appearance thing.

Bruce: Oh! That shouldn’t be a problem! We embrace diversity in this househol—

Babs: He’s a brunette

Bruce: Absolutely not.

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Bluey

Jason: Are you seriously watching a kid’s TV show?

Steph: Yeah, it’s actually really good. I don’t know why, but the way that the parents parent has some kind of chokehold on me.

Jason: *Laughs* That’s ridiculous. Seriously who just watches cartoon dogs to cope? That’s so weird. *Pauses, watches the TV and slowly takes a seat next to Steph*

*An hour later*

Bruce: *walks into a room full of emotional young adults watching the show* Are you guys serious?

Steph: LET US GRIEVE THE CHILDHOOD WE NEVER HAD!

Jason: MAYBE IF YOU WATCHED THIS YOUR PARENTING STYLE WOULDN’T SUCK

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Nightwing: If you murder a murderer, the number of murderers on the earth stays the same.

Jason: … Ok so you’re severely underestimating the dent I’ve made in the murderer population and honestly it’s kind of hurtful.

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Batman, walking through crime alley: This is where I watched my parents die, Jason.

Jason: Cowabummer.

[batfamspews]

A snippet of a draft I found and decided i might as well post.

Steph: *teaching Cass how to braid* then you just switch to hair in these fingers to your thumb like this- you see? Then cross it over…

Cass: *carefully mimicking Steph’s directions and showing her what she did to verify she got it right*

Steph: *leaning over and nodding in approval* perfect. I wish I could learn as fast as you. It’s just your first time and it’s beautiful.

Tim: *sitting on the floor with his head in between Cass’s legs, tilting his head back against the couch cushion so he can look in to Steph’s eyes* I’m sure it looks great but why are you doing it in my hair again?

Steph: Babs is gone and other than her, you have the longest hair.

Tim: are you trying to harass me into getting a haircut?

Steph: As much as I would like to see it at least styled for once and not looking like a bird’s nest, this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with Cass and me. She promised to braid my hair if she learned how so I’m teaching her. You’re just the guinea pig. *pats him on the head and then pushes it forward so he’s looking straight ahead* now hold still.

[batfamspews]

Jason, responding to a knock on his door in the middle of the night: Who is this? What do you want?

Jason, opening the door: Tim?

Tim: Hi.

Jason: What are you doing here at two in the morning?

Tim: Can I sleep here? Jason: ... I- *groan* Sure. Do you want me to ask why?

Tim: I would prefer it if you did not.

Jason: Alright. Does anyone know you're here and do you want them to?

Tim: No and no, but Alfred knows I'm ok.

Jason: Good. As long as he's not worried I don't need to tell anyone where you are.

Tim: Also, do you have something to eat?

Jason: Did you forget to eat again? I've got some chicken noodle soup I can heat up for you.

Tim, smirking: Dope, thanks.

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Jason: Damion, hold my hand while we cross the street.

Damion: I fight crime in alleyways at night and avoid murder by a psychopathic maniac every moment of my life. I don't need your help crossing the street.

Jason: Damion, I just want your safety. Please let me help you.

Dick, his heart exploding: Damion, please just do it. He's trying to help.

Damion: Uuuuugh fine... *Hesitantly grabs Jason's hand*

Jason, Whipping him into the air by the arm and twirling him above his head several times and then thrusting him across the street: YEET!

[batfamspews]

Tim: I know we’re enemies now, Red, but just you wait! When I’m done with you, we’re going to be best buds!

Jason: *scoffing* Good luck with that, Replacement! If you think I’m going to associate myself with the Bat or any one of his child warriors then you are dead wrong!

Tim: *a shadow passing over his eyes* I said we’ll be buddies, Jason. *glowers at Jason with the most vehement glare he’s ever seen* Even if it takes beating you into a bloody pulp.

Jason: *a little set off but still determined* Hah! I’d like to see you try!

*an hour later*

Tim: *bloody and bent over, supporting an even more beat up Jason* I’ll take the chicken sandwich combo with a sprite, please.

Jason: *coughing as he talks* And I’ll take an Angry Whopper with some sweet tea if you still offer that.

A very concerned Burger King employee: You-you two look like you need to go to the hospital.

Tim: Oh yeah, for sure.

Jason: Just wanted to treat this runt to some real food first. *tries to shake Tim’s shoulders, loses balance, almost knocks both of them over*

Burger King employee: … I guess I’ve served crazier people. You can each have a cookie on the house.

Jason and Tim: HECK YEAH! *Attempt to fist bump and both miss because of concussions*

[batfamspews]

Why do I feel like Jason would be the king of dad jokes?

—————————————————————————

Bruce: I’m not exactly mad, I’m just disappointed.

Jason: Hi disappointed. I’m Jason.

Bruce: … Now you’re just being disrespectful.

Jason: How can I be Disrespectful if I’m already Jason?

Bruce: Jason stop.

Jason: Am I Disrespectful or Jason? Make up your mind.

Bruce: Jason I’m serious.

Jason: I thought you were Disappointed?

—————————————————————————

Jason: *over phone* Hey, Dick, I’m in the hospital waiting to be seen.

Dick: OH MY GOSH JASON WHAT HAPPENED?!

Jason: I drank invisible ink.

Dick: …

Jason: No one has seen me yet.

Dick: ………

Jason: Just kidding. I fell off a building. Tell Alfred I won’t be home for supper.

—————————————————————————

Jason: So there I was, traversing the desert, starving to death. In the distance I could have sworn I saw a tree made out of bacon.

Barbara: Jason what is this?

Jason: I ran to it, excited that I was going to live.

Barbara: Jason, I’m so confused.

Jason: Suddenly a bunch of men leapt out of the shadows and shot me.

Barbara: … ?

Jason: It wasn’t a bacon tree. It was a ham bush.

Barbara: OH MY GOSH-

—————————————————————————

Jason: Finally! I thought you were dead!

Tim: I slept through my alarm again. Sorry about that. I don’t know how to stop.

Jason: Maybe I can offer you some good advice.

Tim: I know. Go to bed at a reasonable-

Jason: *cuts Tim off* Drink a quart of caster oil right before bed. If your alarm doesn’t wake you up, your intestines will.

Tim: … Yo that’s actually ingenious, holy crap? I’m going to try that.

Jason: … Tim no…

Tim: What if I go to bed later but drink TWO quarts of caster oil???

Jason: TIM NO

—————————————————————————

Steph: Hey Jason, wanna hear a joke? It’s a two part joke! Why did the chicken cross the road?

Jason: *raises eyebrow*

Steph: Say “why.”

Jason: *snickering in amusement* Why?

Steph: To get to the ugly old dude’s house.

Steph: Okok now, for the second part. Knock knock.

Jason: HEY BRUCE! ITS FOR YOU!!!

Steph: *surprised pause before doubling over in laughter*

—————————————————————————

Jason: Hey, Damian, want some updog?

Damian: Unfortunately for you, Todd, I won’t be giving you the pleasure that your puny mind desires. Steph already made me aware of this “updog” slander the other day on patrol before I promptly kicked her off a building.

Cass: *walking past Damian and Jason* Oh that Stephanie. I already told her that Joe was a bad influence. If she’s not careful, we’ll all suffer the consequences.

Damian: Consequences? Who is this Joe? Do I know him?

Cass: *stops dead in her tracks, looks at Jason and smiles innocently*

Jason: *wiping away a tear* this is why you’re my favorite sibling.

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Dick: I love you more than anything else in the whole world, you know that right?

Babs: Awww thank you Dick! That’s so sw-

Dick: but I need to tell you that there are three things I would die for before you.

Babs: …

Dick: First, my dog Haley.

Babs: oh, well that’s a given.

Dick: Second is Alfred.

Babs: Dick, he can take care of himself.

Dick: And third is milk chocolate.

Babs: I-

Babs: I thought you were going to say Demon Brat.

Dick: …

Dick: there are four things I would die for before you.

[batfamspews]

Tim: *to Jason after he stole his coffee* Heeeeey give that back! It’s mine!

Jason: Is it now? Is that why it tastes fake?

Tim: *snickering and making himself another mug* I defended you to Dick when you were out to kill us and this is how you repay me?

Jason: You- what?

Tim: Er- Nothing! Forget I said anything! Keep the coffee. *speed walks out of room*

Jason: …

Later, when Jason’s alone with Dick

Jason: So- we- you were pretty ticked at me when I came back from the dead, huh?

Dick: We don’t need to have this conversation again. That was all in the past, Jason.

Jason: Yeah, granted but how did Replacement react to having someone he never met beat his butt?

Dick: *pensively* Actually, now that I think about it, Tim could be pretty defensive of you. I mean sure we tried to kick your butt and all but you’d be surprised how he tried to convince me that you weren’t too far gone, even after you hurt him. It was almost like Bruce and I were so distressed and confused that we could only focus on your actions, but Tim saw you and took into account everything you must have been through. The kid’s not just head smart- he’s heart smart too.

Jason: …

Later [again]

Jason: Eyyy Timmy boy, could you sign this at the dotted line?

Tim: *taking a legal document and a pen from Jason and reading it* what is this?

Jason: Adoption papers.

Tim: … excuse me what

Jason: I’m adopting you. You’re going to be my son.

Tim: I BEG YOUR PARDON???

Jason: I vow to be a better parent than Bruce.

Tim: This is a joke right? These extremely accurate looking papers are actually fake, right?

Jason: *stares at him with a deadpan expression*

Tim: *freaked out; covers half his face with the adoption papers* … Jason?

Jason: *tearing up* Be my Robin.

Tim: JASON NO

[batfamspews]

Bruce: I’m proud of you Jaylad, you did the right thing get legally resurrected.

Jason: Thanks.

Dick: Now you can join us at galas!

Jason: …

…

Vicki: This is Vicki Vale reporting live, Jason Todd-Wayne has died on the way to a 54th annual gala tonight! Bystanders say that the car exploded in burst of flames before a piano fell on the car from multiple stories up.

[batfamspews]

Jon: Wow, you are really good at fighting. You should show Damian and me some of your tricks.

Tim: what

———

Jon: I think you’re the coolest hero in Gotham, Mr. Red Hood, sir.

Jason: *silently stares*

———

Jon: I want to be as good a hero as you are someday.

Steph: Wow, uh, thanks kid.

———

Jon: [whispering] I think I’m in love…

Cass: *pats him on the head*

———

Bruce: I thought Jon was coming over this weekend.

Damian: I am no longer associating with Kent.