batfamspews

[batfamspews]

This is satire but seriously…

Babs: Bruce I know I may be getting a little ahead of myself but since Damian put down the mantle I’ve been looking out for a new Robin and I think I might have found the perfect one. Bruce: Oh really? What makes him so perfect?

Babs: Well, first of all he’s a boy genius. He’s only thirteen years old and he’s already graduated high school and is now studying med school.

Bruce: Intriguing. And the parents?

Babs: Dead. Casualty of the bombing downtown last Saturday. He has no known relatives. Bruce: I see. And physical abilities?

Babs: Extremely athletic. He placed first in his division for poll vaulting– for the whole state of New Jersey.

Bruce: *visibly getting excited* Excellent! And his moral compass? Babs: As humble and generous as they come. He serves out of his own free will in disaster relief efforts and raises money at his school for the victims.

Bruce: This kid sounds too good to be true! Do you think he would be willing to become my next Robin?

Babs: Very likely if it would mean getting adopted by the richest man in Gotham City and helping those in need. He also went Trick or Treating as Robin for the past 4 years, which I think is pretty telling.

Bruce: I can’t believe it! This is perfect! He couldn’t have come at a better time.

Babs: *hesitantly* There is one more thing Bruce.

Bruce: *Detecting the apprehension and raising his eyebrow* What is it Barbara…

Babs: Well, there is one thing that makes him a little bit different from the rest of the Robins. It’s not a big deal, just an appearance thing.

Bruce: Oh! That shouldn’t be a problem! We embrace diversity in this househol—

Babs: He’s a brunette

Bruce: Absolutely not.

[batfamspews]

Bluey

Jason: Are you seriously watching a kid’s TV show?

Steph: Yeah, it’s actually really good. I don’t know why, but the way that the parents parent has some kind of chokehold on me.

Jason: *Laughs* That’s ridiculous. Seriously who just watches cartoon dogs to cope? That’s so weird. *Pauses, watches the TV and slowly takes a seat next to Steph*

*An hour later*

Bruce: *walks into a room full of emotional young adults watching the show* Are you guys serious?

Steph: LET US GRIEVE THE CHILDHOOD WE NEVER HAD!

Jason: MAYBE IF YOU WATCHED THIS YOUR PARENTING STYLE WOULDN’T SUCK

[batfamspews]

Nightwing: If you murder a murderer, the number of murderers on the earth stays the same.

Jason: … Ok so you’re severely underestimating the dent I’ve made in the murderer population and honestly it’s kind of hurtful.

[batfamspews]

Batman, walking through crime alley: This is where I watched my parents die, Jason.

Jason: Cowabummer.

[batfamspews]

A snippet of a draft I found and decided i might as well post.

Steph: *teaching Cass how to braid* then you just switch to hair in these fingers to your thumb like this- you see? Then cross it over…

Cass: *carefully mimicking Steph’s directions and showing her what she did to verify she got it right*

Steph: *leaning over and nodding in approval* perfect. I wish I could learn as fast as you. It’s just your first time and it’s beautiful.

Tim: *sitting on the floor with his head in between Cass’s legs, tilting his head back against the couch cushion so he can look in to Steph’s eyes* I’m sure it looks great but why are you doing it in my hair again?

Steph: Babs is gone and other than her, you have the longest hair.

Tim: are you trying to harass me into getting a haircut?

Steph: As much as I would like to see it at least styled for once and not looking like a bird’s nest, this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with Cass and me. She promised to braid my hair if she learned how so I’m teaching her. You’re just the guinea pig. *pats him on the head and then pushes it forward so he’s looking straight ahead* now hold still.

[batfamspews]

Jason, responding to a knock on his door in the middle of the night: Who is this? What do you want?

Jason, opening the door: Tim?

Tim: Hi.

Jason: What are you doing here at two in the morning?

Tim: Can I sleep here? Jason: ... I- *groan* Sure. Do you want me to ask why?

Tim: I would prefer it if you did not.

Jason: Alright. Does anyone know you're here and do you want them to?

Tim: No and no, but Alfred knows I'm ok.

Jason: Good. As long as he's not worried I don't need to tell anyone where you are.

Tim: Also, do you have something to eat?

Jason: Did you forget to eat again? I've got some chicken noodle soup I can heat up for you.

Tim, smirking: Dope, thanks.

[batfamspews]

Jason: Damion, hold my hand while we cross the street.

Damion: I fight crime in alleyways at night and avoid murder by a psychopathic maniac every moment of my life. I don't need your help crossing the street.

Jason: Damion, I just want your safety. Please let me help you.

Dick, his heart exploding: Damion, please just do it. He's trying to help.

Damion: Uuuuugh fine... *Hesitantly grabs Jason's hand*

Jason, Whipping him into the air by the arm and twirling him above his head several times and then thrusting him across the street: YEET!

[batfamspews]

Tim: I know we’re enemies now, Red, but just you wait! When I’m done with you, we’re going to be best buds!

Jason: *scoffing* Good luck with that, Replacement! If you think I’m going to associate myself with the Bat or any one of his child warriors then you are dead wrong!

Tim: *a shadow passing over his eyes* I said we’ll be buddies, Jason. *glowers at Jason with the most vehement glare he’s ever seen* Even if it takes beating you into a bloody pulp.

Jason: *a little set off but still determined* Hah! I’d like to see you try!

*an hour later*

Tim: *bloody and bent over, supporting an even more beat up Jason* I’ll take the chicken sandwich combo with a sprite, please.

Jason: *coughing as he talks* And I’ll take an Angry Whopper with some sweet tea if you still offer that.

A very concerned Burger King employee: You-you two look like you need to go to the hospital.

Tim: Oh yeah, for sure.

Jason: Just wanted to treat this runt to some real food first. *tries to shake Tim’s shoulders, loses balance, almost knocks both of them over*

Burger King employee: … I guess I’ve served crazier people. You can each have a cookie on the house.

Jason and Tim: HECK YEAH! *Attempt to fist bump and both miss because of concussions*

[batfamspews]

Why do I feel like Jason would be the king of dad jokes?

—————————————————————————

Bruce: I’m not exactly mad, I’m just disappointed.

Jason: Hi disappointed. I’m Jason.

Bruce: … Now you’re just being disrespectful.

Jason: How can I be Disrespectful if I’m already Jason?

Bruce: Jason stop.

Jason: Am I Disrespectful or Jason? Make up your mind.

Bruce: Jason I’m serious.

Jason: I thought you were Disappointed?

—————————————————————————

Jason: *over phone* Hey, Dick, I’m in the hospital waiting to be seen.

Dick: OH MY GOSH JASON WHAT HAPPENED?!

Jason: I drank invisible ink.

Dick: …

Jason: No one has seen me yet.

Dick: ………

Jason: Just kidding. I fell off a building. Tell Alfred I won’t be home for supper.

—————————————————————————

Jason: So there I was, traversing the desert, starving to death. In the distance I could have sworn I saw a tree made out of bacon.

Barbara: Jason what is this?

Jason: I ran to it, excited that I was going to live.

Barbara: Jason, I’m so confused.

Jason: Suddenly a bunch of men leapt out of the shadows and shot me.

Barbara: … ?

Jason: It wasn’t a bacon tree. It was a ham bush.

Barbara: OH MY GOSH-

—————————————————————————

Jason: Finally! I thought you were dead!

Tim: I slept through my alarm again. Sorry about that. I don’t know how to stop.

Jason: Maybe I can offer you some good advice.

Tim: I know. Go to bed at a reasonable-

Jason: *cuts Tim off* Drink a quart of caster oil right before bed. If your alarm doesn’t wake you up, your intestines will.

Tim: … Yo that’s actually ingenious, holy crap? I’m going to try that.

Jason: … Tim no…

Tim: What if I go to bed later but drink TWO quarts of caster oil???

Jason: TIM NO

—————————————————————————

Steph: Hey Jason, wanna hear a joke? It’s a two part joke! Why did the chicken cross the road?

Jason: *raises eyebrow*

Steph: Say “why.”

Jason: *snickering in amusement* Why?

Steph: To get to the ugly old dude’s house.

Steph: Okok now, for the second part. Knock knock.

Jason: HEY BRUCE! ITS FOR YOU!!!

Steph: *surprised pause before doubling over in laughter*

—————————————————————————

Jason: Hey, Damian, want some updog?

Damian: Unfortunately for you, Todd, I won’t be giving you the pleasure that your puny mind desires. Steph already made me aware of this “updog” slander the other day on patrol before I promptly kicked her off a building.

Cass: *walking past Damian and Jason* Oh that Stephanie. I already told her that Joe was a bad influence. If she’s not careful, we’ll all suffer the consequences.

Damian: Consequences? Who is this Joe? Do I know him?

Cass: *stops dead in her tracks, looks at Jason and smiles innocently*

Jason: *wiping away a tear* this is why you’re my favorite sibling.

[batfamspews]

Dick: I love you more than anything else in the whole world, you know that right?

Babs: Awww thank you Dick! That’s so sw-

Dick: but I need to tell you that there are three things I would die for before you.

Babs: …

Dick: First, my dog Haley.

Babs: oh, well that’s a given.

Dick: Second is Alfred.

Babs: Dick, he can take care of himself.

Dick: And third is milk chocolate.

Babs: I-

Babs: I thought you were going to say Demon Brat.

Dick: …

Dick: there are four things I would die for before you.

[batfamspews]

Tim: *to Jason after he stole his coffee* Heeeeey give that back! It’s mine!

Jason: Is it now? Is that why it tastes fake?

Tim: *snickering and making himself another mug* I defended you to Dick when you were out to kill us and this is how you repay me?

Jason: You- what?

Tim: Er- Nothing! Forget I said anything! Keep the coffee. *speed walks out of room*

Jason: …

Later, when Jason’s alone with Dick

Jason: So- we- you were pretty ticked at me when I came back from the dead, huh?

Dick: We don’t need to have this conversation again. That was all in the past, Jason.

Jason: Yeah, granted but how did Replacement react to having someone he never met beat his butt?

Dick: *pensively* Actually, now that I think about it, Tim could be pretty defensive of you. I mean sure we tried to kick your butt and all but you’d be surprised how he tried to convince me that you weren’t too far gone, even after you hurt him. It was almost like Bruce and I were so distressed and confused that we could only focus on your actions, but Tim saw you and took into account everything you must have been through. The kid’s not just head smart- he’s heart smart too.

Jason: …

Later [again]

Jason: Eyyy Timmy boy, could you sign this at the dotted line?

Tim: *taking a legal document and a pen from Jason and reading it* what is this?

Jason: Adoption papers.

Tim: … excuse me what

Jason: I’m adopting you. You’re going to be my son.

Tim: I BEG YOUR PARDON???

Jason: I vow to be a better parent than Bruce.

Tim: This is a joke right? These extremely accurate looking papers are actually fake, right?

Jason: *stares at him with a deadpan expression*

Tim: *freaked out; covers half his face with the adoption papers* … Jason?

Jason: *tearing up* Be my Robin.

Tim: JASON NO

[batfamspews]

Bruce: I’m proud of you Jaylad, you did the right thing get legally resurrected.

Jason: Thanks.

Dick: Now you can join us at galas!

Jason: …

…

Vicki: This is Vicki Vale reporting live, Jason Todd-Wayne has died on the way to a 54th annual gala tonight! Bystanders say that the car exploded in burst of flames before a piano fell on the car from multiple stories up.

[batfamspews]

Jon: Wow, you are really good at fighting. You should show Damian and me some of your tricks.

Tim: what

———

Jon: I think you’re the coolest hero in Gotham, Mr. Red Hood, sir.

Jason: *silently stares*

———

Jon: I want to be as good a hero as you are someday.

Steph: Wow, uh, thanks kid.

———

Jon: [whispering] I think I’m in love…

Cass: *pats him on the head*

———

Bruce: I thought Jon was coming over this weekend.

Damian: I am no longer associating with Kent.

[batfamspews]

You are cordially invited...

Bruce: Boys, what is a- "Furry"?

Dick:

Jason:

Tim:

Tim: Uh, where did you hear that word, B?

Bruce: It was on the news. Batman has been corridally invited to attend the Midwest FurFest, which apparently is a-

Bruce: Why are all of you laughing?

Bruce: Stop laughing.

Bruce: Will one of you please stop laughing and explain why Batman would be invited to a 'FurFest'.

Tim, hysterically laughing still: *showing Bruce a picture of a furry gathering on his phone*

Bruce, confused: Why would I be invited to that?

Jason, cry laughing: They think you're a furry!

Bruce: *expression of horror overtaking his face* I. Am. Not. A. Furry.

Jason: Sure you aren't, B.

Bruce: Jason, Batman is completely different from *grabbing Tim's phone and pointing at the picture* THIS.

Dick: *trying to keep a straight face* Bruce, I just want you to know we accept and support you.

Bruce, warningly: Dick, I am not a Furry.

Tim, gasping: Oh my god, does this mean I'm a furry too?!

Jason: Calm down, Tim. You're not a furry.

Tim: Oh thank g-

Jason: You're a feathery.

Tim: A wHAT?!

Jason and Dick: *laughing hysterically*

Tim: Stop laughing! I'm having an identity crisis!

Bruce: Do you think it's too late to do a name change?

Tim: To what, Bruce?!

Bruce: Maybe something like Shadowman and.... *looking Tim* Pale Boy?

Tim: *groaning*

[batfamspews]

Steph: *whispering into the phone* Tim I need you to come over right now and take me out on a date.

Tim: Huh? What the heck, Steph?? We broke up, like, a year ago??

Steph: My ex is here…

Tim: … The abusive one?

Steph: Yeah. If he tried anything, which I’m sure he will, I could beat him to a pulp, but, well- I don’t know… Honestly just him being here is giving me PTSD and I’m mega uncomfortable.

Tim: Give me a second.

Later at Steph’s apartment

Tim (Decked out in shades and an 80s hairstyle): Hey there, Babe, ready for our big date?

Steph: *answering the door with a muscular young man following close behind* Oh! Hi! I- I totally forgot.

Steph’s ex: Who are you?

Tim: The name’s Alvin Draper. And you are?

Steph’s ex: I’m an old friend.

Tim: Rad. Let’s go babe.

Steph’s ex: Hang on there, buddy, the two of you are going to have to reschedule your little date because Stephanie and I have some unfinished business we have to get over with tonight. I’m sure you understand. *looms over the doorway threateningly and grips Steph’s shoulder*

Tim: Is that so? Well I’m sure you wouldn’t mind my two brothers and I stickin’ around, wouldja? We took the bus here and already bought our fares for later on tonight. Tight on cash, y’know? I’m sure a fella like you knows how it is.

Steph’s ex: *starts to threaten Tim but stops short when Jason and Dick, decked out in street grunge, step into the doorway. He becomes extremely uncomfortable when he realizes that Dick is at least his size and Jason is bigger. They don’t look happy*

Tim: *smirks* Besides, I know what a catch m’gal can be. Can’t do any harm keeping an eye on you two.

Steph’s ex: *poorly acts like he feels his phone vibrating, grabs it and pretends to read a text* Holy moly, Stephanie, I’m so sorry! I’m gonna have to bail! Emergency at work! *pushes past Tim, Jason and Dick* we can do this some other time! Have fun on you’re date. *takes the stares down*

Steph: *breaths a huge sigh of relief and collapses into Dick’s arms* Thank you so much-

Dick: don’t thank us yet. You’re coming home with us tonight.

Jason: Can I kill him?

Dick: No killing, Jason.

Steph: I’m sure you scared him off. You guys really don’t need to go out of your way-

Tim: Alfred, Cass and Damian are already making up your room. You’re going back to the manor with us. No buts.

Jason: I really wanna kill him.

Dick: The answer is no Jason. Steph, I’m so glad you called us. I know you could have easily defended yourself, but you shouldn’t have to face the man that hurt you alone. *feels her shaking slightly and strokes her hair with empathy and concern* As your brother, I’m honored to back you up.

Steph: *burying her face in Dick’s jacket* Thank you so much. I could have taken him easily. It’s just- the memories-

Tim: We can help you work through those too if it would help.

Jason: And I have a way to prevent it from happening ever again.

Dick: Listen Jason, I’m not happy either but no-

Tim: Wanna blackmail him?

Dick: ???

Tim: Don’t worry Dick we won’t touch him. But there are things that hurt more than getting hit.

Jason: *grins dangerously*

Dick: *helpless* I guess so but don’t physically touch the guy. You’re in charge, Tim.

Steph: Ooh! Ooh! I can help! I have so much trash on him from when we were dating and I got him to tell me some more recent stuff tonight!

Jason: That’s my girl!

Tim: Perfect! Let’s regroup at the manor!

Steph: Let me grab my suit and computer! *hugs Dick and then pulls away and runs into her apartment with Tim following close behind*

Jason: You think old Bats will approve?

Dick: …

Dick: I know he loves Steph but I’m not sure if he’d be a big fan of your tactics.

Jason: so what are you going to do?

Dick: *deep sigh* Seeing as how that guy hurt Steph, was willing to do it again and probably is doing it to helpless young ladies, I’m not telling him anything. *grins mischievously* -Especially that I’m helping you bring him to justice.

Jason: *smiles and follows him into the apartment*

[batfamspews]

(Young) Jason: Hey, Dad? Can I have fifty bucks? Pleeeeeease???

Bruce: What for?

Jason: Definitely not for anything illegal.

Bruce: How can i argue with that logic?

Bruce: Oh that’s right.

Bruce: No.

[batfamspews]

Dick: Treat your lady like a queen.

Tim: Even Cass?

Everyone: ??!!!-

Tim: NONO! I’m not saying Cass doesn’t 100% deserve it, but, like, “Cass” and “Queen” just don’t give off the same vibes, you know?

Jason: He has a point. Cass doesn’t need anyone to cater to her or serve her. She wouldn’t want to be treated like a queen, right?

Cass: *nods*

Tim: You’re more like a service dog, Cass. Like, you have such a big heart and everyone knows you help people, but people will only know your true worth once they get to know what an absolute golden person you are. Plus, we would die for you at all costs.

Damian: I agree with this assessment.

Jason: What do you think, Cassie? *wraps his arms around her shoulder and gives her a brotherly shake*

Cass: *smiles and nods happily*

Damian: How would you propose we treat Barbara? She does not emit this “queen” energy either.

Dick: What? Yes she does-

Jason: She’s a refrigerator. We have a bad habit of forgetting her worth but we always go to her when we need help.

Babs: Thank you.

Jason: We depend on her to sustain us with the information we need to work-

Babs: THANK YOU.

Jason: But without her we would starve.

Babs: FINALLY SOME ONE GETS IT!

Damian: Speak for yourself, Todd. The boy wonder does not require her assistance.

Babs: Is that so? Then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind asking Drake to help you study for your physics test next week.

Damian: … Noted and regretful.

Dick: Guys this was supposed to be about how we treat the women in our life, not what obscure, everyday animal or object they resemble the most!

Tim: C’mon, Dick, I love the refrigerator! *pats Bab’s knee*

Babs: Awww, thanks squirt! *ruffles Tim’s hair*

Steph: Ooh! Ooh! What am I!?

Jason: Oh you definitely give off queen energy.

Babs: Totally.

Damian: Absolutely.

Cass: *nods in agreement*

Tim: Are we talking about the same Steph I used to date or…?

Steph: Awww heck yeah! Thank y’all! Except for you, Timmy, you need to learn a thing or two about how you treat your women. *Tackles him and starts a playful fight with a lot of martial art poses and very little physical contact. The others laugh at them*

Dick: …

Dick: *to Alfred* This didn’t quite go the direction I meant, but at least they’ve got the spirit.