bat-titans

[bat-titans]

[Jason and Cass break up an operation that Scarface, The Ventriloquist and The Condiment King are running out of an abandoned Gotham apartment]

Jason(as Red Hood): Looks like me and Orphan caught you boys at breakfast. Sorry about that. Whatcha having?

The Ventriloquist: Uh, hamburgers.

Jason(as Red Hood): Hamburgers! The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast! What kind of hamburgers?

The Ventriloquist: Uh, Ch-cheeseburgers.

Jason(as Red Hood): No, where'd you get them? McDonald's, Wendy's, Jack in the Box, WHERE?

The Ventriloquist: Um, Big Kahuna Burgers.

Jason(as Red Hood): Big Kahuna Burgers! That's that Hawaiian burger joint. I hear they've got some tasty burgers. I ain't never had one myself, how are they?

The Ventriloquist: ...They're good.

Jason(as Red Hood): You mind if I try one of yours? This is yours here, right?

The Ventriloquist: Yeah.

[Jason takes a bite of the Hamburger]

Jason(as Red Hood): Mmm, this is a tasty burger! Orphan, you ever had a Big Kahuna Burger? (Cass shakes her head) Want a bite, they're real tasty.

Cass(as Orphan): Ain't hungry.

Jason(as Red Hood): Well, if you like burgers, give them a try sometime. Me, I can't usually get 'em because my girlfriend's a vegetarian, which, pretty much makes me a vegetarian. I do love the taste of a good burger. (turns to The Ventriloquist) You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese in France?

The Ventriloquist: Um, no.

Jason(as Red Hood): Tell 'em, Orphan.

Cass(as Orphan): Royale with cheese.

Jason(as Red Hood): "Royale with cheese." Know why they call it that?

The Ventriloquist: Uh, because of the the metric system?

Jason(as Red Hood): (smiles at The Ventriloquist) Check out the big brain on The Ventriloquist! You're a smart motherfucker. That's right, the metric system.

The Ventriloquist: [to Red Hood] Look, I'm sorry, I-I didn't get your name. I got yours, uh, Orphan, right? But-But I-I never got your...

Jason(as Red Hood): My name is Pitt, and your ass ain't talking your way outta this shit.

The Ventriloquist: [rising] No, no, no. I just want you to know how – [Red Hood motions him to sit down] I just want you to know how sorry we are that-that things got so fucked up with us and-and Batman. I-I-It...we-we got into this thing with the best intentions. Really. I never...

[Red Hood shoots Scarface, The Ventriloquist recoils in horror]

Jason(as Red Hood): Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue. You were sayin' something about "best intentions"? [silence] What's the matter? Oh, y-you were finished? Oh, well, allow me to retort. What does Batman look like?

The Ventriloquist: ..What?

Jason(as Red Hood): [angrily throws the small table in the room] What country are you from!?

The Ventriloquist: Wha-what?

Jason(as Red Hood): "What" ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in "What"!?

The Ventriloquist: What?

Jason(as Red Hood): ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT!?

The Ventriloquist: Yes!!

Jason(as Red Hood): THEN YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING!

The Ventriloquist: Yes..!

Jason(as Red Hood): DESCRIBE WHAT BATMAN “LOOKS” LIKE!!!

The Ventriloquist: Wha-what I—?

Jason(as Red Hood): [points gun directly in The Ventriloquist's face] SAY "WHAT" AGAIN! SAY "WHAT" AGAIN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE-DARE YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!! SAY "WHAT" ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME!!!!

The Ventriloquist: H-H-He's black...

Jason(as Red Hood): GO ON!

The Ventriloquist: ...He's scary...!

Jason(as Red Hood): Does he look like a bitch?!

The Ventriloquist: What? [Red Hood shoots The Ventriloquist in the shoulder] AGHH!! Anh..!!

Jason(as Red Hood): DOES! HE! LOOK!... LIKE! A BITCH?!?!

The Ventriloquist: NO!!!

Jason(as Red Hood): Then why'd you try to fuck him like a bitch, Wesker?

The Ventriloquist: I didn't...!

Jason(as Red Hood): Yes, you did! YES, you DID, Wesker! You tried to fuck him.

The Ventriloquist: No... no....

Jason(as Red Hood): But Batman don't like to be fucked by anybody except Superman. You read the Bible, Wesker?

The Ventriloquist: [gasping for breath] Yes...!

Jason(as Red Hood): Well, there's this passage I've got memorized, it sorta fits the occasion. Ezekiel 25:17: "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is He who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for He is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. [begins pacing about the room] And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord... [pulls out his gun and aims at The Ventriloquist] ...when I lay My vengeance upon thee."

[The Ventriloquist shrieks in horror as Red Hood shoots him repeatedly]

Condiment King: Oh fuck. I'm fucked. Oh fuck, oh fuck.

Cass(as Orphan): Is he a friend of yours?

Jason(as Red Hood): Hmm? Oh, Orphan, Buddy. Buddy, Orphan.

Cass(as Orphan): Better tell him to shut the fuck up, he's getting on my nerves.

Jason(as Red Hood): Buddy. Buddy. BUDDY! I'd knock that shit off if I was you.

[bat-titans]

Jason: We should have shotguns for this kind of deal.

Damian: How many of them are there?

Jason: 3 or 4.

Damian: Is that counting our guy?

Jason: Not sure.

Damian: So, it could be as many as 5 guys in there?

Jason: It's possible.

Damian: We should have fuckin' shotguns.

[bat-titans]

Cyborg: Okay, so, tell me about the hash bars.

Beast Boy: So what you want to know?

Cyborg: Well, hash is legal there, right?

Beast Boy: Yeah, it's legal, but it ain't a hundred percent legal. I mean, you can't walk into a restaurant, roll a joint, and start puffin' away. They want you to smoke in your home or certain designated places.

Cyborg: Those are hash bars?

Beast Boy: Breaks down like this, okay: it's legal to buy it, it's legal to own it, and if you're the proprietor of a hash bar, it's legal to sell it. It's illegal to carry it, but that doesn't really matter 'cause, get a load of this, all right; if you get stopped by the cops in Amsterdam, it's illegal for them to search you. I mean, that's a right the cops in Amsterdam don't have.

Cyborg: [laughing] Oh, man. I'm going, that's all there is to it. I'm fucking going.

Beast Boy: Yeah, baby, you'd dig it the most. But you know what the funniest thing about Europe is?

Cyborg: What?

Beast Boy: It's the little differences. I mean, they got the same shit over there that we got here, but it's just...it's just, there it's a little different.

Cyborg: Example?

Beast Boy: All right. Well, you can walk into a movie theater in Amsterdam and buy a beer. And I don't mean just like in no paper cup; I'm talking about a glass of beer. And in Paris, you can buy a beer at McDonald's. And you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?

Cyborg: They don't call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?

Beast Boy: Nah, man, they got the metric system. They wouldn't know what the fuck a Quarter Pounder is.

Cyborg: What do they call it?

Beast Boy: They call it a "Royale with Cheese."

Cyborg: "Royale with Cheese."

Beast Boy: That's right.

Cyborg: What do they call a Big Mac?

Beast Boy: A Big Mac's a Big Mac, but they call it "Le Big Mac."

Cyborg: [in mock French accent] "Le Big Mac." [laughs] What do they call a Whopper?

Beast Boy: I don't know, I didn't go in a Burger King, You know what they put on French fries in Holland instead of ketchup?.

Cyborg: What?

Beast Boy: Mayonnaise.

Cyborg: [makes a grossed out face] Goddamn.

Beast Boy: [chuckles] I seen them do it, man, they fuckin' drown them in that shit.

Cyborg: [grossed out] Yuck.

[bat-titans]

Dick: It's the way the whole thing works, people like Jason get wasted, people like Bruce just go on making up the rules any way they want. So what do we do? Sit in the middle and suck on it. We just don't add up to dry shit, Alfred.

Alfred: Whoever said we did, Master Grayson? All you got to do is make it out of here. It's all gravy, everyday the rest of your life, gravy.

[bat-titans]

[Robin and Starfire telling the team about they’re secret wedding]

Robin: So this morning, we are having breakfast together...and I just looked up from my cereal and I said, "You know what I wanna do today? I wanna marry you."

Starfire: I had just woken up. I didn't look cute. That's how I knew he meant it.

[bat-titans]

Slade: So hey, I wanna set you up with my daughter.

Robin: Oh, I'm engaged to Starfire.

Slade: I thought you were gay.

Robin: Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?

Slade: I don't know.

[bat-titans]

Bruce: It's not a big deal really. I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her.

Dick: Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it's like a fairy tale.

Tim: She could be your soul mate.

Damian: Oh, not likely. 3 billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.

[bat-titans]

[Beast Boy fails to resuscitate the dummy after he and his teammates break out in song and dance to Stayin' Alive]

Ravager: Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Raven?

Raven: I have no idea.

Ravager: Anyone else?

Starfire: We bury him.

Ravager: Wrong! Ehhh! Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.

Speedy: He has no wallet. I checked.

Beast Boy: He is an organ donor.

Ravager: He is! [to Aqualad] Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. [unsheathes a dagger strapped to her leg] Here we go!

[Ravager stabs the dummy in the chest and slices open its torso]

Robin: Oh my God! Rose!

Cyborg: Rose!

Robin: What are you doing?!

Ravager: We search for the organs! Where's the heart? The precious heart?

Aqualad: I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down.

[bat-titans]

Jason: Tim.

Tim: Oh, hello Jason. You look well.

Jason: I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was going through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11.

[bat-titans]

Bruce: When I said that I wanted to have kids and you said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then, when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure? Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you definitely didn't wanna have kids? Who had it reversed back? Snip snap snip snap snip snap! I did! You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person! And I bought this house to fill with children!

Selina: I am so sorry that I don't wanna bring kids into this screwed up world.

Bruce: I am sorry too.

Selina: But look if you wanna have kids, then fine! You win! Let's have a fucking kid!

Bruce: Do you mean it? You wanna have a kid?

Selina: I hate my life.

[bat-titans]

Batman: Let me ask you. Did you accomplish what you wanted?

Beast Boy: Listen, Batman. You can expect these kinds of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.

Batman: I'm taking Robin.

Beast Boy: Then we will burn Gotham to the ground.

Cyborg: Beast Boy! [clears his throat] Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our teammates that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Robin's head... We will burn Gotham to the ground.

[bat-titans]

Beast Boy: Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk?

Raven: Yeah: "Enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your teammate Robin."

Beast Boy: That's when I knew. You?

Raven: You came up to my desk and you said, "This might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat is expired."

Beast Boy: That was the moment that you knew you liked me.

Raven: Yep.

Beast Boy: Wow. Can we make it a different moment?

Raven: Nope.

[bat-titans]

Beast Boy: I can't do this. I can't do it.

Cyborg: Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldn't say it if I didn't 100% believe it. Who else could do this?

Beast Boy: Okay. Okay.

Cyborg: No seriously, is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time.

[bat-titans]

Beast Boy: Ladies and gentlemen, I have some bad news. Robin was hit by a car.

Raven: WHERE!!?

Starfire: WHEN!!?

Beast Boy: It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took him to the hospital and the doctors tried to save his life. They did the best they could and he is going to be okay.

Cyborg: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!?

[bat-titans]

Damian: Grayson, Grayson, Grayson. Grayson, Grayson, Grayson, Grayson, Grayson, Grayson, Grayson.

Dick: Oh, hey, Damian.

Damian: I'm going to be your new boss. It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Check-out time is never.

Dick: Does my room have cable?

Damian: No. And the sheets are made of fire!

Dick: Can I change rooms?

Damian: Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.

Dick: Can I have a late check-out?

Damian: I'll have to talk to the manager.

Dick: You're not the manager? Even in your own fantasy?

Damian: I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan.

Dick: Okay, just so I understand it: in your wildest fantasy, you are in hell, and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.

Damian: Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.

Dick: Go.

Damian: $80,000 a year.

[bat-titans]

Tim: Last year, Damian asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Damian's brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the Internet, it's... pretty shocking.

[bat-titans]

[Titans Beach Day]

Robin: Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach.

Cyborg: Oh sweet mother of God.

Robin: If you don't like it, Vic, you can go to the back of the bus.

Cyborg: Excuse me.

Robin: Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus.