atsukini

[atsukini]

So, here I am.

Leaving Tumblr.

Stop scrolling through that hell.

Be safe plz.

Stay safe.

Pain should never be a competition.

You are enough.

You're suffering enough to get help.

And above all you deserve to help yourself.

Now, we're broken and the more we grow up, the more we are our own parents.

We have no choice.

No one is able to save you, except yourself.

Your FP will NOT save you. (for my bpd friends)

He can be there, he can help a bit.

And I know it's hard

And I know it feels like nothing can help you

And you probably hate yourself...

Start to accept what you can't change.

Take time for youself

Take that fxcking shower

You can make it through another day

You already did

And you will.

Past is behind us

Future is upon.

And if both terrifies you

Just live now, here and now.

Enjoy when they're here

And smile back at the mirror when they're not.

You are never alone

You have yourself

And you can learn to live with you.

Stop surviving

And start living

Turn off your phones

Stop scrolling mental health tumblr/twittter/insta/tiktok

Maybe it makes you feel understood

But it's not good

You are not your illness

Take care.

[atsukini]

TW

I'm sick of this...

I'm sick...

When I wake up on the morning it's like my brain's spinning the wheel of emotions...

Most of the days, I feel sad and depressed, I don't even want to go out of my bed and I'm just wondering how I'm gonna survive another boring day...

I work, so when I have to go, I just can't wait to be occupied.... I think I'm lucky in my despair cause I've found a workplace where I can be myself without hiding my issues. They know and they really try to deal with it everyday and I can't bless them enough for that...

But sometimes, even with all the people who care, I just feel so empty and alone and then I get mad, or crazy or like super sad, unbearable...

And some other time I just feel sooooo euphoric and I drink coffee and alcool hoping that it will make the phase stay a bit longer....

Truth is, I fall always harder after a 'high phase' and honestly, I don't think substances helps...

But I can't help, it's like I'm not even myself... And I don't even know who I am...

I feel like I'm like made from shards of my loved ones personalities.... I always love something because someone else love it...

I don't even know what type of music I really enjoy, ME...

I'm not sure of my favorite color...

I don't even know if I like dogs or if I'm afraid of them...

And sometimes, when I just cvt myself and when I'm fxcking bleeding as hell in front of my mirror, I can't help thinking 'you bitch are just doing it for attention' and when I see the tears rolling down my face, I sometimes smile, like if a part of me just hate me so damn much...

And my psychologist tells me to 'simply' start by accepting myself...

She don't get it.... It feels like this part of me is not even me, it feels like I have a stranger, a bullier, inside of my head and she won't go away.

And deep inside, there's a little girl crying while I make her suffer over and over again...

And when people tell me that It's my fault and my choice, I can't do anything but agree....

The child in me is not scared by the monsters under her bed but by me, by herself in a way, by myself... I'm the fxcking monster! I'm the hunter and the prey... And I feel like I'm running over and over again...

But... You can't run from yourself...

It's an endless run, or at least it feels like it...

And now my bank account is empty, so is my stomach cause alcool is expensive, so are drvgz and cigarets and compulsive spendings... And hunger feels so damn good... And bad at the time....

I see myself dying everyday... But when I end up on the top of a bridge, I can stay there for hours and never find the courage to jump... But I still kms a little bit more everyday even is a part of me wants to live....

And finally... The fxcking toping on all of this bvllshxt : my relations with others...

I need people, I need attention, and every second I'm scared to lose someone, and I still do dumb things that could make them go away.. And sometimes I find ONE UNIC person, and I consider him as a fxcking god... And my world start to spin around this person, and he can bring me to heaven and then hell a thousand times a day... His absence feel like death and I just spend hours in my head, trying to fill the void with the memory of that person... This thing... This obsession can last for years and never really go away... It start to fade with time but it's painful... The worst is I don't want a love relationship with that person, most of the time, I love them like parents... And I'm super needy... So eventually they end up going away, far away... And sometimes they understand the thing and they start to play, knowing they're my gods (cause I really talk too much) and using all the easy tricks to make me as they want....

I started feeling that for someone some moth ago.... I told him.... As always I'm jure he won't do anything bad... But I gave him all the weapons against me or to help me... And even If I know I should find love in myself, my brain can't help telling me that, with all that I gave him, he can Just help me or kill me...

I know there's probably sm worst than me... And I'm so sorry for all the ones who deals with sm more and still stand up and walk straight... I respect them so damn much... But I try, I promise I try every fxck1ng day... I don't even feel like it's going better, it just comes in waves.... I'm so tired.

[atsukini]

Waking up at 9.30AM with like 5 hours of sleep

Dark circles under my dark circles

Eating like 3 teaspoons of a light yogurt

Throwing away the rest...

First glass last less than 5 minuts

Second one follows...

Then the third

And the fourth

It's 11AM and gosh I'm drunk as fxck

Feels like my body's trying to tell me something...

But I won't listen...

Cause I'm sick as hell

My brain's broken...

Should be dead...

[atsukini]

They'll see it.

They'll see me fall.

They'll see the dark circles under my eyes.

They'll see my bones slowly showing.

They'll see the scars blushing my body.

They'll smell the alcohol from my veins.

'You're doing it for attention'

And so what?

Isn't it kinda sad?

Being ready to die just to show them.

I'm sick.

I know.

I just can't stop.

Cutting...

Starving...

Drinking...

Binging...

Purging...

Crying...

Over and over.

Never ending pain.

Always high and drunk but it's never enough.

Not enough.

I'm not enough.

And someday, I'll just fall and hit the ground.

I kinda hope to be saved...

Cause despite all of this...

I'm so scared of death...

And still I'm chasing it

Can't help

Sick

[atsukini]

I hate realizing that this is it. this is life. I only get one chance and I’m spending it crying over food, hurting myself and unable to get out of bed some days.

[atsukini]

coping in form of making memes >>>>

[atsukini]

Almost haven't eat this past week... I almost cried in front of a soup, made myself full with zero drinks, water and coffee...

I have to go to work so I guess I should eat... But Idk why I feel pretty good physically and I just feel like I don't deserve to eat cause I don't feel bad enough...

I'm just kinda scared cause I think I won't feel bad enough before I just pass out....

[atsukini]

Hi uhh unfortunate reminder that malnutrition literally changes how you think and act and also *causes* depression

[atsukini]

[atsukini]

i hate, HATE, the eating disorder paradigm that has been created. “skinny cindy doesnt eat a bite of food, shes full of water, black coffee and the occasional bite of celery. she breezes past everyones worried looks��;kindly fuck off. because thats just not what an eating disorder is to me. i present to you my case. i binged and binged and gained myself about twenty five kilograms. then i starved and starved and lost myself forty kgs. then i binged and binged and gained myself about thirty kilograms. and since ive been on opposite ends of the spectrum, heres how it goes: a fat person that has an eating disorder is just a fat person trying to lose weight-no one gives it the time of day. and a skinny person with an eating disorder is someone with a complex and who is trying to maintain their figure. no one cares until youre skin and bones. because thats what eating disorders are (or weird complexes regarding food to people that think eds do not exist) to most people and its fucking infuriating. eating too much isnt right, and eating too little isnt right, but either way well always be shamed for both. and as someone with a weird wire in my brain that tells me to either starve for a couple of years or eat the whole fridge for another year with no in between, it kind of messes with your head. because to have such extreme weight fluctuations where youre losing and gaining half your body weight every once in a while,, youre getting daily comments about your shape. its either “oh youre so tiny” comments that egg you on, or “youre disgusting” comments that also egg you on. just keep your comments to yourself, our bodies are already bending back and forth a million times a day in an attempt to accommodate our sick minds. it hurts to look in the mirror so just shut the fuck up.

[atsukini]

Rhum...

you know you don’t give a fuck about life when you use vodka to down Xanax and gabapentin lmfao

[atsukini]

I want to die but I'm afraid of death. What do I really fucking want?

[atsukini]

I want him to treat me like his little princess

To see me as a fragile and dainty being

A creature that needs to be protected and cared for constantly

Maybe then I’ll have his full attention

[atsukini]

Does anyone else feel like there's something weird those days?

Feel like my mental health is now completely gone...

Can't manage to eat again...

I drink to cope with hunger and to forget and then when night comes I just smoke and smoke and smoke again till I finally find sleep...

I'm so bad...

[atsukini]

[atsukini]

“If it is destroying you then it is not love my dear.”

— Unknown

[atsukini]

you can have an ed at any size, gender, age. skinny, normal, fat. male, female, nonbinary. 8, 16, 19, 40. it doesnt matter. anybody can a have a ed