april-diariees

[april-diariees]

cages

I've never begged anyone to stay to not leave me, to love me but everyday to god i pray on my knees i say to him please never take him away

i hate being perceived i hate taking my armour off but i stand there bare in flesh giving a gun in your hand

I'd rather bleed away the life in me than bandage my wounds with my fractured hands do you hate this, love? do i feel like a ball and chain?

does my laugh sound to you like the clinking of handcuffs? does my touch feel to you like cigrette butts on ashtray?

would you rather not know where i am? and do you sometimes wish I'd just go away? i wish i could set you free, my love but cages are made to trap.

[april-diariees]

meri diwar par, vo khali jagah, kuch na hone ke bavajood vaha baar baar dekhti rehti hu shayad aadat si ho gayi thi? maine vaha tumhari photo lagayi thi per tumhari yaad na aaye isliye- diwar per ab vo jagah khali hai aur fir bhi, jabhi vaha dekhti hu tum mere khayalo tak aapna rasta dhoondh hi leti ho diwar per abh tumahari photo to nahi hai per shayad... fir bhi hai na?

[april-diariees]

— Rudy Francisco

[april-diariees]

"Isn't it funny. I'm enjoying my hatred so much more than i ever enjoyed love. Love is temperamental. Tiring. It makes demands. Love uses you, changes its mind. But hatred, now, that's something you can use. Sculpt. Wield. It's hard, or soft, however you need it. Love humiliates you, but Hatred cradles you."

- Janet Fitch, White Oleander

[april-diariees]

circles

I'm running in circles I'm running out of excuses my head hurts and my legs won't work

I'm lookin in the mirror I'm lookin at a mess what have I made of myself i don't remember being born this way

I've started hating holidays I've started hating myself everything was so effortless i never doubted myself

when did I last shower? when did I last stopped cryin? things really don't need to be this bad am i just overbearing

i drink one cup of coffee and i drink one more i haven't slept for days my hands never shaked this way before

I've lost a sense of hope I've lost my spark i look around, i read the news was everything always so sickening?

I tell myself you're fine I tell myself you're pathetic you're trying your best dear but are you, really..?

[april-diariees]

its not just music to me

"It's just music why are you so obsessed?" well how can I not be, when it has saved me more times, when none did.

Music guides me through the harsh currents of anger, like a stream gushing towards the ocean.

And keeps me afloat when I'm drowning; It keeps me grounded when I feel like I'm flying.

It wraps its arms around me when I feel unworthy; and drifts me to sleep on nights when I'm shaking.

Music caters me, and nurtures me like no other; it spreads its embrace, says you're welcome here.

Keep your worries aside, and rest for a minute. Dance to this rhythm, as the world is infinite.

[april-diariees]

samiee, why wont you leave my head?

your smile.. so pure, so enchanting, and the sound of your voice, makes my heart giddy somehow. That twinkle in your eyes, and the way you see life, I'd go to wars, just to see you one more time.

I love to hear you talk, when you tell me all the things you like, and whatevers going on in your life. and when you hug me, all the heavens seem to collide, i crave that feeling every night. oh, and when you call me cute, idk how im still alive.

The way you care, for everyone around you, the term angel was invented, just to describe you. you look so beautiful, i could never put to words, the joy i feel, being beside you.

I hate to see you sick, even more when you cry, I wish I could shield you from everyone, who dares mess with your smile. I'd sit there holding your hand, looking at you while you shine so bright, don't wanna sound selfish, but i really want you... to be all mine.

[april-diariees]

I think something I've been trying to come on terms with is that a lot of times in life you'll have to settle for something. You can't study everything at the same time and you can't do 15 different jobs, you can't have all the flavours of snow cones at once and not all you hobbies can be your profession.

You can't keep everyone you want close and you can't always be at all the parties, you have to settle and you have to pick, make a choice and stand by it.

[april-diariees]

The melancholic feeling behind every "oh I used to love doing that, but I never do it anymore" is where we all grew up.

[april-diariees]

is this something you'd want?

I feel like a clown in a circus doing it's best to be charming; my life's an enormous stage I perform there every single day.

I watch people enter and take their seats and I watch them leave as soon as I slip up; a little more make up maybe or a thinner waist would've made you stay.

new costumes or new wigs softer laughs and gentle voice, is that what you want me to make? what more should I do to make you stay?

I'm juggling and jumping, I'm out of breath I'm trying not to beg, but I want you to stay; my cheeks hurt from the smile I've put on is this still not something you'd want to want?

[april-diariees]

sometimes the moon is all i have...

The moon talks back He does i swear, I'm not crazy You just have to be aware.

He tells me it's gonna be okay And it's okay to be sleazy, He looks at me and smiles He says take it easy.

I think he loves me Like I love him, He shines really hard When I feel dim.

And when he's waning He promises he's fine, He says he'll be back And bids me goodbye.

He always keeps his word And comes back to greet me, He told me you can take time if you need But you'll need to get back up eventually.

He says I'm not a terrible person Sometimes he rambles cheekily, Oh how I love all those nights Where we're laughing freely.

He looks over me Like a guiding light, And cradles me When I am not as bright.

[april-diariees]

scrapbook;

I'm just a scrapbook, bits and pieces torn out and pasted, nothing is original yet unique like no other, Arranging and sorting, designing and defining, layers over another, some pieces ripped out that were glued onto before, trying to be an eye candy, can't help but be messy at places; wavy edges and dimmed out pictures, nothing is written in the same font twice, some scribblings that I'm trying to hide, please don't judge it just yet it's a work in progress, oh but in the end; I'm just a scrapbook of everything I've ever loved and yearned for.

[april-diariees]

Is this what I want?

opening and closing apps something, I just need that something keeping and picking it back up where did I put my phone again?

turned of my laptop just to turn it on once more what did I wanted to do, again? opened and closed the fridge I'm not really hungry or am I?

reached my bag to put it aside, ehh I'll just do it later, opened the book and shut it right away, fuck it anything but studying rn.

wore my jacket and put on my shoes, opened the door and slammed it shut, I'd rather take nap then a walk, who really needs to see people.

I never know what I'm doing or what i really want, just trying escape form anything or everything that's going on.

when will I stop running away I wanna stop feeling this way, all these efforts futile i wish I didn't suck at everything I try.

[april-diariees]

Hey what are you doing, your mask is falling off. Fix it or they might see you.

[april-diariees]

Heyyy, just wanted to say your poems are AMAZING! I'm basically your biggest fangirl now, no joke 😆 Keep being awesome!

Thanks a lot, I'm sooo glad you like them!! I can't even tell you how much this means to me. You just made my day❤️ I couldn't imagine people liking what I write let alone ever posting it but I'm glad I did. I'm gonna take your advice and keep being awesome and I hope you do too. <3

[april-diariees]

Favour

I am trying to hate you With everything I have It just doesn't work.

Your face appears in front of me And those words you said when you were with me.

I don't know what it was about you I didn't even realise how you, Touched my heart in a million ways I can't stop thinking about you.

You think we don't talk anymore But I have a dozen conversations with you everyday, It might sound a little insane I'm used to not getting a reply anyway.

That's how you left me Yearning for you, I know it may not seem that way But I'm trying my best to hate you

I shut you off And ik it seemed that I left first, But trust me all this time I was wishing I wouldn't have to.

You never said it but i figured it out I knew everything but i wanted to keep you around, Just a little longer, I told to myself Then I realised I'd be doing you a favour if I ever left.

[april-diariees]

Everything he does just makes me like him a little bit more.