anesica

[anesica]

one aspect of abuse that gets me and frustrates me is how i feel like i cannot truly feel like anyone is on my side unconditionally.

i will speak up about the abuse i experience and reveal small bits specifically tailored to the person's value and worldview in a way that will make them be on my side. but i feel like i cannot fully reveal everything. because what if. what if. what if i accidentally revealed a fact that will end up making them turn against me and say, "oh, wow, so you did that? okay, that changes everything. you are the one at fault here. it really doesn't help that the majority of people still don't understand abuse or how mutual abuse simply doesn't exist, and that "both sides are wrong and should reflect on their faults" is also aiding the abuser. not helped by how it's very easy to paint the victim as the aggressor.

ideally, knowing the truth and believing my own perception should be enough. ideally, validation shouldn't matter. but sadly, it simply doesn't work that way. not being believed hurts, not being able to fully trust that people will be on my side unconditionally also hurts. it's finding comfort and relief in people's validation, but also wondering when people will stop believing me, especially when the abuser is the one seemingly well-adjusted and i'm the one who is an emotional mess after the prolonged abuse. there is usually a limit to how much people are willing to be understanding of me, before they start thinking that i'm just whining without trying to solve things, and stop being sympathetic of me. who cares about the lingering effects of trauma, right?

[anesica]

nowadays, when i catch myself going down the "i should have worked harder on this and that" path, i counter it by "separating" past me from current me.

for example, sometimes i beat myself up for only doing the bare minimum for uni assignments instead of giving it my all. i would think stuff like, "if only i put more effort back then, i could have gotten better results." this would then lead me into blaming myself in the past for not putting extra effort.

to counter it, i mentally separate past me, and consider them a different person from current me. i would think about how past me was struggling with things that weren't acknowledged by the majority of people. i think about how past me desperately needed support, but couldn't get any for many reasons. i think about how past me had to endure so many people telling them to try harder, to use their time at uni properly, to give their all by doing their best instead of just the bare minimum.

I don't want to betray past me by doing the exact same thing lots of people did to them, even if they had the best of intentions. i want all iterations of me, be it in the past, present, or future, to be able to continue on with life with the knowledge that at the very least, their future self will always be on their side. if nobody else was willing to support and validate past me, at the very least, current me and future me can be that support. if nobody is willing to support current me, at the very least i can rely on future me to not invalidate my current difficulties.

my diary entries bear witness to the struggles, the loneliness, the hopelessness, the despair that past me have felt. i, as "present me", will not contribute to the countless amount of people who have invalidated their struggles. even if present me cannot go back in time and offer them some sort of support, at the very least, i don't want to turn my back against past me who was trying their best.

[anesica]

amatonormativity is annoying. it makes people assume romantic stuff even when there's nothing like that going on. for years, i've been focused on disliking amatonormativity itself.

but recently, i've been dealing with grief and guilt. admittedly, the way i handle amatonormativity isn't the best. i lash out towards the very people with whom i'm thought to have some sort of romantic undercurrent with. i feel guilt over the things i did to put distance between us. i feel grief over how those friendships, some of them close friendships, ended because people thought there was something romantic between us.

no, that isn't right. those friendships ended because of my own fault. regardless of the amatonormativity, i was the one who decided to sabotage those friendships. i ought to take some accountability, at the very least.

i grief for the friendships i lost because of my actions. i regret all the hurt my past friends have felt because of my actions. i detest the person i became when i get so overwhelmed with amatonormativity.

and this? this feels more intense compared to previous annoyance of amatonormativity, back before it hit me just how much damage i did to my past friends. it really drives the point how much amatonormativity has affected my life.

[anesica]

Dear past me,

Hello! I reckon life must be very confusing right now. Always getting uncomfortable to the point of crying whenever you get shipped with a classmate, but not knowing the reason why... Feeling super humiliated because while a lot of people don't appreciate getting shipped randomly, no one else cried non-stop from the start of the class until it's time to go home? Add in your shyness, and it becomes so, so embarassing. Even your guardian has stopped getting worried if they find you crying when they pick you up from school. They will immediately understand that you cried from the exact same reason again.

After that, the years your friends develop romantic interest in other people will begin. Having been raised to prioritize academics over romantic life, you will consider yourself as a model student, and sadly end up looking down on other kids. You openly state your opinions on how ridiculous crushes and dating are. You never respond compassionately whenever your friends come vent to you regarding romantic stuff.

Eventually, they drifted away. Without you knowing why. And it will hurt.

Slowly, you become friends with people who do enjoy romantic stuff, but don't shove it into your face. Slowly, you also learn that you're the odd one out for not feeling romantic attraction nor interest in romantic stuff. Slowly, you learn to co-exist in peace. You learn that people cannot help feeling romantic attraction, and desire to date, and heartbreaks, and that it doesn't mean they're immature or not thinking about the future. You learn to accept that, maybe, maybe you're different. And that's okay! Being different doesn't mean one of you is superior—you're just different! And both are good in their own way!

And one day... you discover the word 'aromantic'.

Aromantic

adjective | ˌā-rō-ˈman-tik

Feeling little to no romantic attraction towards others; or experiencing romantic attraction in a non-normative way.

The day you find that word will be life-changing. It will open up a whole new world for you to explore. It will teach you many, many new perspectives regarding romantic love. You start to ponder about how you feel regarding romance, because discovering aromanticism will teach you that every single person is free to feel however they want regarding romance. It's okay to love it, it's okay to hate it, it's okay to be neutral. All that matters is that you respect others' stances and boundaries, and not force your boundaries unto someone else!

Your journey into the aromanticism spectrum will also bring you to a community. This community isn't only filled by aromantic people—who are already diverse enough—but also with other a-spectrum (aspec) people. There are asexuals, aplatonics, and many others! Each one will hold different preferences and views regarding attraction. Your time there will teach you that it's okay to be uncomfortable with romance being forced at you! It doesn't mean you're no fun! It's okay to have boundaries, and it's okay if you're different from your peers!

Eventually, you will feel secure enough in your aversion towards romance. Once you feel secure enough, ironically, it will become so much easier to respect people who do feel romantic attraction (called alloromantics). How so? Well, the community believes that everyone is free to surround themselves with as much or as little romantic stuff as they want. It should be an individual's basic right, and nobody has the right to shame others. After grasping this basic fact, and knowing that there are alloromantics who will respect your dislike for romance and won't force you to date someone... It also becomes so much easier to respect them. How do I say it... Knowing they preach what they say about not breaking others' boundaries will make it easier to appreciate their right to like romance! It's embracing the fact that you not liking romance doesn't mean you're allowed to mock others for prioritizing romance, and others liking romance doesn't mean they have the right to mock you for being uncomfortable with romance.

Another important thing that you will learn is that it's okay to dislike romance in real life but still liking romantic media! Enjoying romantic fiction doesn't make you a hypocrite—it's perfectly allowed! Of course there are aromantics who also dislike romantic media, but it doesn't mean you have to prove the validity of your aromanticism by pretending to dislike romantic media, too! Each aromantics are different individuals, so of course each person will have different preferences regarding fiction, and that's okay!

All in all, to me ten years in the past,

I hope I can show myself to you and show you how much I've grown comfortable with my orientation. I'm not gonna say you will always hold a perfect mindset regarding romance, because you will indeed hurt your friends by looking down on their romantic life. But what I can promise you is that an open minded community will welcome you and slowly help you unlearn the harmful mindsets. You will grow up into someone who's respectful of all orientations. You will be able to feel proud about your aromanticism without resorting to bad-mouthing alloromantics. It won't be an easy journey, but you got this. And the long journey will all be worth it!

From me, ten years in the future 💚

[anesica]

i think a lot of people overestimate their ability to detect whether someone else is putting effort into doing something or not. i learnt this by comparing how people perceive my efforts in academics versus in socializing (thanks spiky skill sets!).

i was a top student who put effort into studying and constantly got good grades. i did all my assignments on time with high quality results, so teachers often praised my effort and diligence.

on socializing, however, i kept getting told to be more friendly, approach people more, smile more, be more proactive, etc. i kept getting told that i should be more this and that.

guess which one i actually put more effort in? socializing.

academics came easily to me because i genuinely liked learning. past tense, because it happened before i burnt out. but i did find it fun, i grasped the materials pretty easily. so spending hours studying was okay because i would have grasped the basic concepts early on, and the rest was just me getting sucked into researching more of the topic because it genuinely fascinated me.

as for socializing... i did put effort, but all those efforts were spent on learning just the basics. i spent literal years practicing smiling in front of the mirror before i could finally make my smile look natural. i spent a lot of time studying theories about human behaviour, psychology, and related stuff to the point i actually developed an intense interest in those things. i rehearsed conversations before they happen to make sure i don't freeze or misspeak.

what about the results of those? studying academics stuff made me top student, so my effort was acknowledged. studying people stuff, however, didn't exactly work because my social anxiety was still there. people still look at my quiet self and concluded i don't try hard enough to socialize. it didn't matter that learning how to smile took much more time and effort compared to my academic efforts. it didn't matter that i have indeed tried going out of my comfort zone, and experienced more failure than successes to the point i became very afraid of initiating contact first.

my effort in socializing, fitting in, and becoming friendlier mostly went unnoticed because no matter how hard i try, my best is just the bare minimum of the average people. my effort was invisible, because it all happened behind the scenes. i feel like people will only acknowledge your effort if you 'perform' it in front of them. for example, trying to approach people, but being rejected, might count as effort (although i'm sure some people will still consider it lack of effort to be more proactive). your effort and failure both have to be visible to people in order for it to be acknowledged by the "failure is okay as long as you tried your best!" crowd. but learning to smile isn't considered an effort, because everyone is expected to naturally have that skill. to the majority of people, smiling comes without effort at all. i have to 'perform' effort in a way that is accepted by society, or they will demean my effort. even if said effort is more than the effort i put into things that i'm naturally good at.

[anesica]

a bit annoyed that a lot of mental health cognitive restructuring tricks seem to assume our negative thoughts are inaccurate to current reality and we're no longer in the same shitty circumstance

like, no, i'm not excessively worried about my grades because i grew up with a family that expects the best from me. i'm worried because a less than great score can revoke my scholarship and force me to stop pursuing education

[anesica]

i also don't like that sometimes people are judged by their choices even though they probably don't have access to the better choices.

like, let's say there are three different choices:

A is the best possible choice, the choice the majority of people would pick because they have the privilege to choose it

B is the bad choice, available to the majority of people as well

C is the worst possible choice, but is only present to a small number of people unlucky enough to encounter it in their lives. the majority of people don't even know someone could be faced with such a choice

imagine you're unlucky enough to encounter B and C as possible choices, with no other alternative. A is impossible, it's out of your reach. of course you would pick B, right? now, imagine the majority of people judging you for picking B "when A is obviously the superior choice." how would you feel, knowing you obviously also want to pick A but that choice is inaccessible to you?

[anesica]

i have some beef about the belief that people are judgmental towards you because they don't know the extent of your suffering, and if they know they would have regretted ever judging you.

i'm sorry, but it usually doesn't work that way in my life lmao. revealing more contexts usually just gets me judged even more. yes, maybe there are some details they don't know, either because it slipped my mind or it wasn't my secret to tell. but the fact that people even need to know my whole life story to decide whether judging me is okay or not is just. wow. you really don't respect me, huh?

so yeah. that aforementioned belief just made me reveal vulnerable stuff to people who shouldn't have any access to those information. sure, the fact i couldn't differentiate who are safe people and who are not might be my own fault. but it still doesn't change the fact that people who couldn't differentiate that are some of the most vulnerable people.

[anesica]

rant time: one of the type of people i hate the most are those who went through a crisis, survived, and went on to mock others who go through similar crises and struggle openly with it.

like. you went through similar stuff, right? you know how excruciating it is, right? how can you go on and mock people who have difficulty with the same thing you went through?

it's one thing if this person went through that crisis with minimal struggle. i can understand on some level why they would develop a condescending attitude to those who couldn't cope, although i definitely don't agree with that attitude as well.

but when those mockery comes from people who did struggle in painful ways? who was obviously in severe distress, even to the point of being suicidal over that crisis? how did you survive your suicide attempt (a proof that you also find that situation super unbearable) and then goes on to invalidate others who get distressed over the exact same thing after you no longer have to deal with that situation???

screw those entire "it's needed to make people stronger" thingy. if it makes people suicidal then it's not something you want to cultivate wtf

[anesica]

i haven't really been following the ai art debacle, and thus i'm not super knowledgable about it. but it reminds me of something.

a few years ago, i had an exam in ethics class where one of the questions was something like, "a new tech from a developed country is coming into our (developing) country. however, the workers here can't use that tech, and their jobs will be replaced by those tech, thus making them lose income. what should be done in this case? prevent the tech from coming, or let the tech enter this country?"

i remember answering that the answer is something else entirely. preventing the tech from coming is impossible, because it was just delaying the inevitable. sooner or later, everyone will be forced to use the tech. the longer people in our country resist, the more behind we would be compared to other countries who didn't resist change. it will eventually affect us negatively, so might as well accept it.

however, it doesn't mean the workers should be allowed to just lose their job so easily. they should be armed with new skills that can be used as an alternative job, to make sure they can still earn a living. they can also be taught on how to use the new tech to their advantage. win-win solution, right? the country prospers, the workers gain new skills which increase their likelihood of surviving in the world!

now, a few years later, i see a major flaw in my logic: the total disregard to the workers' energy, time, and capabilities.

back when that exam occurred, i was still an aspiring student in a major related to creative industry, full of energy and passion. i still enjoyed my classes and had high ambitions.

over time, that flame of energy burnt out, replaced by exhaustion and distaste towards my field. in our major, we had to learn many different skills. drawing, graphic design, photography, typography, 3d modelling, and many more. at first, it was fun learning new stuff. but having to learn all those different skills within five months each really diminished the enjoyment. instead of focusing on one skill, we were forced to stretch ourselves thin and learn everything within a short time span.

why?

to improve our likelihood of getting hired. to differentiate ourselves from the many other creatives in our field. to meet the industrial standard that one person must master many skills, not just one.

at first, it makes sense. people would only hire the very best, right? so i ate up that narrative and tried my best to keep up with the ever increasing standards our major gave us. the lecturers are people who have worked in the industry, so surely they know what they're doing, right? they won't steer us towards ruin, right?

well. turns out doing what they asked drove me into serious burn out. instead of graduating with valuable skillsets under my belt, i crashed real hard. i lost my hard earned skills because i can't bear doing anything related to our field anymore. no, this isn't just me giving up on the first hurdle i received. this is the result of pushing through many minor exhaustions throughout the years, believing that small hurdles are normal and that i shouldn't complaint because it's not that bad. the result isn't just minor annoyance towards the field anymore. it also affects my mental and physical health significantly. my art skills increased because of uni, yes. but what's the point if by the time i graduate (if i can even manage to graduate at all) i have become so sick of it that i end up seeking a job in a new field? all that hard work for nothing at all.

and then, the ai art comes. while skimming through the entire debacle, i saw someone saying artists should learn more skills to make themselves relevant and hireable. it's the same logic as my exam answer years ago, so i should have agreed with it, right?

hell nah. all i could think about is how my underclassmen and all art students in the world will get pushed into learning more skills during their study. more workload for them, more chance of getting burnt out, too. these people will get burnt out even faster than me because they will have much more workload, but still need to graduate in the exact same duration as my generation.

frankly, i'm tired. i'm tired of having to learn all these different skills in a fast-paced and high-stake environment just to pass my courses and graduate on time and make myself hireable. i know having multiple skills is valueable in this day. i know my lecturers' preachings about how important it is to keep up with the new tech is true. i know people who can't keep up or who refuse to keep up will be left behind and suffer for it. it's just. i'm tired? no matter how much i want to equip myself with extra skills, i don't have the energy for that? i know it's inevitable, but like. it doesn't change that we all have limited energy? do we only live to suffer under capitalism now?

[anesica]

i wonder if i'm seriously beyond help.

people always say to go to therapy to everyone who's struggling mentally, but going to therapy isn't as easy as they make it sound like. i thought the barrier to therapy was just the cost, but turns out it's so much more than that.

i tried going to therapy and ended up subconsciously hiding the extent of my struggles. my past definitely played a part on why i unconsciously do this (getting yelled at by my family whenever i got sick, show negative emotions, or struggle with anything), but even after i've told my therapist about this... i still couldn't be open with how much i struggle.

heck, i even picked better clothes to go to therapy, even though i usually just use whatever's on the top of my closet.

i find that i'm not yet ready for therapy, and thus i stopped going.

maybe someone whose trust issues run deep like me needs more sessions, but i don't have the money to do that... but also? my struggles also become even worse with each passing day.

people also say that you probably won't find a therapist that you click with on the first try, but what if the first try already exhausted all my energy, time, and money? what if the problem isn't incompatibility, but myself? my therapist definitely isn't judgemental, so i'm the problem for not being able to be honest.

i'm scared to be judged. i'm scared how they will react if they knew i've always gone to their therapy room without showering for days before. i couldn't even be honest about the more socially acceptable struggles like bad sleeping habits, inconsistent eating schedule, lack of energy, sleeping for the entire day, losing motivation for responsibilities, and the like.

but hygiene issues? now that's scary. i'm scared.

i'm falling deeper and deeper, and i'm scared of how much worse i've been getting. but reaching for help... didn't help. which is my own fault, yes, but... i don't know.

maybe i'm just beyond help.

[anesica]

one thing i like about the concept of loveless is how it disconnects love from morality.

love is a neutral thing. no, not neutral as in lukewarm or passive. i know a lot of people consider love as a fiery thing.

i meant neutral as in neither morally good nor morally bad.

it just is.

honestly? my life got so much easier ever since i accepted the fact that loving someone, whether romantically, platonically, familial, or whatever else, does not immediately mean you will never do them harm. experiencing love doesn't come as a complete package with a "how to treat your loved ones properly" tutorial suddenly installed into your brain. love is not a magical thing that will immediately tell you how to best make your loved ones happy and thriving. you still need to learn about who they are as an individual. it's a conscious effort, and does not always come with experiencing love.

not to mention, you can do something that is actually damaging to your loved one, yet still do it in the name of love, because you genuinely believe that what you are doing will benefit them. love can make you feel like you want to treat your loved ones properly, yes, but those actions will most likely be heavily informed by your values and worldview. if you love someone whose values are completely different, though? the chance that your actions end up affecting them negatively will go up.

knowing this helps me come into terms that even if i don't feel that passionate feeling people call 'love', i can still try to be nice to people. it also helped me come into terms that even if the people who hurt me genuinely loved me, it still didn't mean their love was fake, or that their actions were justified. both things can be true at the same time. the concept of loveless really helps me grasp this nuance.