andihateit

[andihateit]

almost 1 year since.

And I still can’t shake the feeling I get when I’m around your phone or I see you messaging someone especially if it’s a girl. 

[andihateit]

antagonist.

It’s like I like to be the antagonist but really I don’t and I hate it when I am. I’m at his house right now and we’re in separate rooms studying because he asked when Fight Club was and I replied back with a snappy, sarcastic comment. And the second I did it, I tried to recover from it by talking normal but it was too late and he was pissed. And now I want to go home and drive myself to school. I’m pretty sure he wants to go to school separate now too. Maybe I’ll leave later in the night when he’s sleeping and just sneak out of the house and go home or something. Maybe I could do that. I don’t see this night getting any better. I don’t know why he thought I was acting weird earlier. I was actually perfectly fine until he made a comment about me acting weird. Maybe that’s why I snapped because I wasn’t feeling weird but he thought I was. I’ll talk about snapchat maybe in the next post I feel inclined to write if I’m still feeling how I feel about it. 3/9/15 10:12pm

[andihateit]

clutterfuck.

Here are my plans for today. After internship I'm going to go eat with my managers. If they aren't able to come eat with me, then I'll go home and get a change of clothes for hiking and then go out and eat myself somewhere nice and quiet and then go to Griffith. If we do go eat, I will ask them if I can go home and get a change of clothes first and meet them at Cook's so that I don't have to drive around a lot and just go straight to Griffith after. I'm really tempted to ask someone to go with me on this hike just because but at the same time I really want to enjoy this alone and I feel a lot of excitement just thinking about doing something like this alone. I won't be offering to go over to their house or offering to help cook or run errands nor will I initiate any conversation. If he wants me to help out, he can ask me himself. If he does ask, it'll be my choice to be minimalistic about my answer or I can say that I'm busy. After lunch, if all goes well and I don't get asked to do anything, I will go to Griffith myself and join one of their free night hikes that will start around 7 and last 2 hours. My goal for today is to try and clear my mind from the noise and settle the clutter inside. I know I should be working harder and studying harder but at this point I feel I might really need this time to actually be with just me. If he does ask, just be honest and tell him you're going to go grab lunch with your managers and then you're thinking about going to Griffith by yourself. If he doesn't ask, well then that makes it a lot easier to deal with. Calm your mind, breathe, and everything will be okay - I promise. 18/8/15 11:05am

[andihateit]

We stopped doing grateful-for's for awhile now. Makes me kind of sad. But it's not like I kept up with it either, not even with myself. Two things to blog about: Phone, Cancelled internship days

13/8/15 11:21am

[andihateit]

ijwyafm.

I’m hoping this will make me feel better. But I know it probably won’t as much as I would want it to. I really hate this feeling. This feeling of feeling left out. Feeling jealous. Feeling anxious and angry and inadequate and wondering why I can’t just stop feeling for a second. To just not care about anything. I don’t know how I ever got here. And I don’t know if this is supposed to be something to be grateful for. The ability to feel. But if I didn’t feel, then would I be missing a part of being human? I don’t want to be jealous. I hate that I am. I hate that I can’t shake the paranoia and the distrust. My mind is racing with nothing to pour. 

Earlier you went and got high with your friends. At least it wasn’t with girls. To be honest, I don’t know how I’d feel if you did get high with a girl or girls and I wasn’t there. I just kinda thought the next time you were thinking about getting high, that we were going to get high together. I guess I know how you feel now whenever I go out and drink or roll when you’re not there. It does kinda suck. And I get it now. But I would never impose how I feel onto you because I know it’s unnecessary and spiteful if I do especially when I should be able to trust you and especially if you’re not doing anything sketchy. So I’m trying to find a way to vent but I don’t really know what to vent about except the fact that I feel sad that you got high without me. And typing that out sounds so stupid and ridiculous of me to get sad about. You can do whatever you want and I should just be able to trust you because it’s not like the end of the world. And so I’ll be okay. I really need to fucking study. I have a fucking final tomorrow that I am in no way ready for. Hope to the fucking Gods that I do okay. 

11/5/15 9pm

[andihateit]

rsw.

You know that feeling where it feels like your heart hurts? Where you feel inconsolable and pathetic. Where your self-worth seems defined by someone else’s love for you and not your love for yourself. And you just kind of wallow in your own self-hate and infinitesimal worth and wonder why the fuck you even cared in the first place. Where you wonder how the hell you got yourself into this place and wonder why you can’t seem to find the strength to pull yourself out of it. Because now you’re stuck ripping apart your sanity while trying to put back the pieces with your eyes closed and your hands tied because that’s how you intended them. You don’t want anyone to save you yet you simultaneously wish someone would out of their own desire to want to save you. But deep down you know there isn’t anyone out there in the world like that. Deep down you know that that person eventually is going to be you.

11/5/15 8:40pm

[andihateit]

misery business v2.

So one day, I was hanging out with IQ and he told me something as part of an observation he made about SD. This observation was about how when he’s hanging out with SD and their other close friend, he gets the feeling that there’s something still between them. That they’re flirting and just pretty fucking much their flirting seems like there’s something more. And like you know, this sucks because I don’t want to control the people he hangs out with and I can’t fucking control the way he is with other people but dude. What the fuck. I don’t know how true it is. I’ve never hung around them and I don’t want to quite fucking frankly. But that is so unsettling and that makes me feel so damn insecure. I have so many options as to how I should feel. Either feel the way that I feel, tell him about how I feel and monitor him like a fucking prison guard to make sure he doesn’t flirt or talk to girls in whatever way he does or I can try to feel better about myself and be confident and trust in that there’s nothing going on because just because they’re flirting, doesn’t mean that there is something going on between them and doesn’t mean that he likes me any less and is trying to get back with her or whatever the fuck fuck FUCK. I DONT KNOW FUCK. FUCK. LIKE THIS REALLY FUCKING SUCKS. HAVING TO THINK THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND IS TALKING TO GIRLS THE WAY HE TALKS TO THEM IN A NON-PLATONIC WAY. Like does that make me fucking crazy?! The fact that his excuse is that he’s a broken person and that he’s not perfect and he doesn’t know how to change that aspect of him like NO. Like how the fuck do you talk to guys? If you’re asking me how you can attempt to change this aspect of you, however the fuck you talk to guys, transfer that over to how you talk to girls. I’m sure the way you talk to guys isn’t flirtatious. 

This ridiculous, irrational, anxiety-ridden paranoia is so damn fucking hard to shake and it’s been since New Year’s. Every fucking notification I see or hear from your phone my heart just drops. Because I don’t know if one of those messages is you fucking talking to a girl again the way you did on New Year’s Eve. And tomorrow you’re going to her graduation and I don’t care if you do. I actually hope that you have fun. And it’s just like fuck. I wish IQ never told me that. Because now I’m sitting here thinking, why the fuck is it so hard for you to be platonic with girls? Maybe I’m being too extreme but when the fuck did I ever drunk text another person before you or even anyone beside you for that fucking matter or when did I ever fucking tell another guy that I’ve always thought he was fucking hot and that I’d pretty go over to him in a heartbeat if I had the fucking chance? And I hope that after this graduation and the so-called “dinner” that you’ll be able to tell me everything that happened and I don’t care if the details are mundane or harmless but just that you don’t purposefully omit shit from the night. Because it’s so damn fucking hard to trust you now and I want to trust you completely but now I just can’t stop thinking about how much of a potential scumbag you are. And I fucking hate it. 

10/5/15 10:41pm

[andihateit]

g-for’s.

So we started this thing awhile ago. Where right before we go to sleep, doesn’t matter who first, you say 2 things you’re grateful for even on days you don’t feel so grateful. I know we don’t have to do it every night nor do I expect you to even remember every night to do it. But, it makes me not want to start little things like this with you. Because at some point, the activity doesn’t matter to you. And if I bring it up, then it becomes obligatory which is definitely something I don’t want to do. I still want to be able to tell you the things that I am grateful for. To build a collection of things that we are grateful for so that in the midst of all our busy we can still remember to take time out of our days to bask in the sliver of good. But I don’t think I should have to feel unrequited about it. And so for every night that we don’t say it to each other, I will be saying it here instead.

Grateful that I got to spend most of my day with my sisters and didn’t feel obligated to have to do anything but what I was supposed to do.

Grateful that there’s only 3 more weeks of school. 

27/4/15 2:16AM

[andihateit]

gentle reminders:

everything is temporary and that is both a blessing and a curse. 

the human body is fragile, remember to take care of yours. 

this moment is as fleeting as the next so take it all in before you lose it forever. 

[andihateit]

I keep saying to myself that somebody will cross my path and I’ll fall in love head over heels, but at the same time I fear being disappointed all over again and I distance myself every single time from everybody, bloody trust issues.

[andihateit]

because typing keeps up.

I can’t stop thinking. Can’t stop thinking about how I am not on your mind as much as you are on my mind. I hate messaging you. I hate that I can see when you were last active, how long ago you were active, and whether you are currently active. I fucking see you. I hate that when I send you a message that I’m not a priority for you to reply to. I hate that I’m in the same group chats as you because I see you talking about random crap and reply to random crap but don’t/forget to reply to the ‘hello’ I sent minutes ago. I hate that I know you’re not busy. I hate that I know you’re always on your phone. I know this because even when we’re alone and it’s just us two, you’re on your phone. You always have to reply back to whoever just messaged you. You always have to check something. When we go out to eat, when we go out somewhere, when we’re in bed together. You’re always on your phone. And it makes me sad to think that you “forget” to reply to me sometimes. 

And I want to stop feeling sad and anxious. Because there’s no point. And it makes me seem selfish and needy. So fuck you. And it’s like I’ve become emotionally dependent on you. And I don’t want to be. I want you to feel the anxiety I feel. The missing and empty that I feel. But you don’t care about that crap. You wouldn’t care if I didn’t talk to you all day. It wouldn’t make you feel inadequate and worthless.  I want to build tolerance from being without you. I wish I didn’t have a phone or facebook or anything. I wish you didn’t either. I wish your life didn’t depend on it. I wish it didn’t make me paranoid. I wish you were a better person. I wish you were easier to trust. I wish you were easier to hold without fear of being betrayed. I wish I didn’t need affirmation. I wish I could do without it. I feel so needy and I hate it. And I hate sharing links and articles and music and anything interesting with you because you don’t care to look at them. Or you “forget.” I fucking hate sharing music with you. Or maybe it’s because I shared too much at one point and you just didn’t want to keep up. Or maybe you just don’t give a flying fuck. 

I want to delete the page. The “Future Events” page that I made for us. I already deleted the other page where we shared things on so that we didn’t have to share in our messages. Looking at those pages made me feel sad because I knew you didn’t care for any of them. So why have anything with you if you don’t care about it. And I wish Olam meant something a little more to you. And I know it isn’t what you ended up intending it to be or whatever the fuck you wanted it to be. But now Olam is something I relent. And to some degree I wish I never started it with you especially after that argument we had. If you felt like it was turning into something you weren’t intending, you yourself could’ve directed its course. But instead you continued along with it to the point where it became nothing to you, to where you didn’t even want to take part in it anymore. And that made me really sad. And I want to return the second one we got because I don’t want to repeat whatever happened last time.

And to be honest, I’m scared. I’ve been thinking about things that keep me up at night. What if none of this is worth it? Part of the reason why I believe this is because I don’t think you even believe this is worth it. What happens if we go on together for years and years and then all of a sudden we don’t love each other anymore? What if one day you decide you don’t want to be with me anymore because you can’t suppress or eliminate your lust? What if Benjie’s caveat is foreshadowing what I fear and don’t want to acknowledge as a possible outcome of our relationship? And all of this because you don’t facebook message me. 

26/4/15 3PM