alison-nicole

[alison-nicole]

And BOOM just like that, I’m crying. Not happened, i just feel sad. I feel so alone. I feel like no one would care if I didn’t wake up tomorrow. Idk why I feel like this, but I can’t help it. I can’t turn it off. I don’t want my family to see me about i don’t wanna talk about it. I just need to wait for it to pass, like usual. I can’t keep doing this, it’s exhausting and I slept all day. I was a little productive, so I should be proud of that. I just feel so alone and fat. I’ve gained so much weight in the last year, I don’t even recognize myself. I’m ashamed of myself. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

[alison-nicole]

look, tomorrow you will wake up and feel a bit better, a bit calmer. you are going to figure things out eventually, it dosnt have to all be done tonight. take a deep breath, relax your shoulders, and get some rest. you will manage.

[alison-nicole]

I thought I found happiness , but you can’t find it in another person . I’m back to hating life all alone .

[alison-nicole]

I just want to take a second to be grateful for my life and those that are in it . I’m not perfect and neither are they , but I know I am loved . That is an irreplaceable feeling . I’m not talking about a significant other or friends . I’m talking about my mom who battles Parkinson’s disease but still has the strength to carry through my trips and triumphs. My father who works relentlessly to ensure we have a stable and enjoyable life. My brother that will stop at no end to comfort me even when he doesn’t know what to say or do . My cousin Amanda that faces the same demons I do every day and still comes out with a smile on her face . Her beautiful children that I will fight for until the end of time . These are the people that make my life worth living and sometimes I fail to see what is in front of me . My life wouldn’t be without them , so when I count my blessings I count them twice because I’m the luckiest girl in the entire world .

[alison-nicole]

Today I reeeeeally want to die

[alison-nicole]

losing interest at everything because you're sad is the worst feeling

[alison-nicole]

I’m pretty sure I lost him.

So I’ve been talking to this guy since February. We’ve talk basically every day minus a few days here and there and the 2 week break he took from me because he realized he “didn’t want a relationship right now”. I accepted it but not really. I told him I was fine being friends. Randomly he’s been flirting with me.

“Come cuddle” “I wish you were here”

This kept giving me hope that he would grow to love me. Why would he give me the time of day if he didn’t care? I don’t know.

We finally met last night. We met up at a Wawa and sat in my car. We talked about injuries, career paths, family, music, and more for over an hour. We didn’t even realize the time passing. He kept leaning closer to me and finally leaned in to kiss me. We have talked dirty to each other over the phone plenty of times, so this was expected. He called me gorgeous the other night when I was half naked. That by itself made me fall even harder for him. My naked body isn’t one of my strong suits and I have spent the last 6 months thinking about the day he’d see it, scared. He thought I was gorgeous. I didn’t want to stop kissing him. He kissed me goodbye and told me to tell him when I got home.

I have heard from him today, but he opened my last snap 6 hours ago and hasn’t responded. Part of me is waiting for him to ghost me, because that’s what happens to me 🤷🏼‍♀️ people come into my life to just walk out the door without saying a word. I thought he did it to me before but didn’t, so maybe he’ll get back to me. I’m just sitting here all day in the deepest depths of my brain going through every single scenario. Did I scare him off? Does he not find me sexy? Was I annoying? Was I too much? I really thought things were going well. I always picked him as a quiet kid and that I was going to struggle to keep a conversation. We both had so much to say. I definitely thought it went well, but I’ve been wrong before.

I opened up to him about my depression. I told him about my mom’s Parkinson’s. I told him that I smoke weed. I told him about my depression when I was having a bad episode and he didn’t ran away, but is he now? I feel like such a psycho for over analyzing everything, but this is how my brain works and I can’t just change it. I think I’m just scared because I let myself be vulnerable. I might be losing someone I’ve been leaning on for months and I’m TERIFFIED. I would have rathered never meeting him, but I guess this will give me the close I need, whatever it ends up being.

[alison-nicole]

[alison-nicole]

Why does being a female make me want to die? Every time I get my period I feel like my life is crumbling. Ever hear someone describe anxiety as a feeling of impending doom? I’ve never heard anything more accurate. Like you cry so hard that my feel like your heart is going to burst in your chest. I feel like I’m not stable enough to hold relationships with people. The people in my life are unable to understand what I go through on a regular basis. My depression meds don’t do shit, but I’m too afraid of who I might be without them. I fucking hate this life.

[alison-nicole]

Here I am, yet again sitting here crying. People don’t understand what this feels like and I feel like a psycho trying to explain it. I’m at a point in my life where nothing makes sense. I’m absolutely terrified and worried about the future and what my life is going to be. I have no desire to go through PowerPoints and look over notes. I don’t want to look for jobs. I just want to run out into traffic. I’m so overwhelmed and the stress is breaking me down. I’ve done everything I can to try to get this depression monster to leave me alone, but it won’t. Just when things seem like they’re getting better, it kicks the door down just to remind me how little I am. I fucking hate life. I feel so broken and alone. I’m physically and mentally drained and I don’t want to do this anymore.

[alison-nicole]

It is currently real depression hours. Smash that mf’in reblog button if the chemical imbalance in your brain is overpowering rational and cognitive thought.

[alison-nicole]

No, everything isn’t okay.

Everything Okay?

If you or someone you know is struggling, you are not alone. There are many support services that are here to help. 

If you are located in the United States, consider reaching out to the National Alliance on Mental Illness HelpLine.

If you are located in the United Kingdom, The Mix is here to help you with any challenge you are facing.  Reach out online, on social or through their free and confidential helpline.

If you are reading this from in any other country in Europe,  Mental Health Europe has compiled a list of helplines and other resources in your country. 

For more resources, please visit our Counseling & Prevention Resources page for a list of services that may be able to help.

[alison-nicole]

Sooo it’s been a while since I posted. Currently, I feel like I want to die. I’m so unhappy and miserable. I feel so alone all the time. I want to be happy for Cheyenne, but I’m not. All I want is my best friend and she never has time for me. I’m back to being the only one single, but now I’m the only one without a significant other. It just makes me fucking hate Steve even more. He ruined my fucking life. I hate living. I hate being here to satisfy others. I hate that one cares. It’s like as long as I’m not openly suicidal anymore, people just don’t care. They stop asking how you are. I’m struggling and I have never stopped. I just want to be happy but I don’t even know what that means anymore. Nothing makes me happy, and if it does it only lasts for a second. Why do I need to be here? Why can’t anyone see that this just isn’t for me? My heart is tired and I want to stop suffering. No one knows what this feels like. I wake up and stare at the ceiling because I’m angry I woke up again. Why can’t people see that I’m hurting this badly? I don’t want to be here. I just want to die. Please just let me . .

[alison-nicole]

[alison-nicole]

FINALLY

We are done with week one and passed my drug test 🎉 naturally I’m as high as a kite and as happy as can be . This is a key aspect of my life, hands down. It is amazing for me to see fellow educated individuals expressing their love for marijuana and the benefits it gives to people.

[alison-nicole]

I’m sitting here scrolling through the darkest depths of my brain, wondering how I got to be this way. I just want to be healthy and live a normal life. Why can’t i have a normal conversation without feeling consumed by depression. This sickness runs my life and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. It’s like trying the stop a freight train. It consumes every ounce of my life. I have a good day and depression rolls in like “naahhh they all secretly hate you. You’re ugly and fat, no one could love you”. You may think that’s harsh, but my mind tells me that on loop. Do you know what the feels like? It feels like another shovel toss of dirt onto a casket. Depression is a disease that engulfs your entire being until you’re nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’m not okay and when i say i am, I’m definitely not.

[alison-nicole]

This is not who i want to be. This is not what i want the world to see. Like this, I’m unhappy and unhealthy. This is not the me i want to be.