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[abbythoughts]

230422: Therapy Log

I should really be bathing before doing this but okay, let me just start it here first.  Been over a month since I last went to therapy, and my therapy session in March pretty much ended in me arguing and being really mad at my therapist - I felt like he didn’t really understand me: all of which we managed to process in today’s session. Basically, I was pretty much on a self-defense mode. One of the many ways of self-preservation (for me at least) is withdrawal. Which I have been doing a lot of more recently. I find myself wanting or dreading social events a bit more, and wanting to shell in. Or like stressing out about things that make me forsake the social aspect of life. Or idk.

(Ok back from shower)

Emotions wise I don’t feel like I’m doing a good job regulating them. I don’t know if it’s the introduction of new meds or plain old female PMS at this current moment but all I feel is sad. I know I’m not supposed to allow my emotions lead me aka therapist words:

“Remember that attending to your emotions first is of utmost importance. You allow your emotions to inform you, and also allow those intense feelings the opportunity to subside. Without an intense emotion swaying your judgement, you’ll be better placed to process your situation in a rational manner.”

But like I said, I don’t know how to regulate it but all I be doing is feeling like a sad tired bean and I don’t know how long till I’ll be better again.

In any case, the agony of having to deal with family gets to me because I do feel like I’m at a mental limit and I just want to not be the adult that I’ve always been forced to be. I just want to be a baby.

[abbythoughts]

I’m tired of being your daughter.

I’m tired of living under your control. Home? It’s never been a home. More like a house where people come and go but haven’t you realised how nobody is happy under this roof?

I feel mentally drained and there are a lot of things in my life that have developed because of who you are as a person, and how that has affected my growth as an adult. I’ve sought professional help but do not have the financial resources to continue seeking therapy.

When Luke mentioned that he had anxiety issues and you shrug it off? The truth of the matter is I too have anxiety issues and really, it’s no surprise there considering someone at home has it and is refuse to treat it thus implicating it onto others in the environment. I have a legit personality disorder because of my environment and it really is not healthy to continue living in this environment. Here are some issues that I’ve faced that has greatly affected me and my living in this place.

1. You don’t respect me: My Career It’s really not funny, nor is it a joke when I say that business is not good this season. And you just comment, “Ya that’s why I tell you go get a REAL job“ or like when I don’t eat dinner because I work “YA LA if you get a REAL job I won’t have all these problems”

A REAL JOB. You don’t respect my career choice. Respecting doesn’t mean you have to accept it, but respecting it means you DO NOT MAKE such comments, neither do you need to constantly give advice on what I should and should not do. I REALLY DO NOT NEED IT. You are unable to show empathy and you wonder why I don’t empathise with you.

Just because I’m not the ideal daughter that get good grades, got a good job after uni blah blah blah. I know you talk shit about me to others, and I really don’t need that kind of toxicity in my life

2. You don’t respect me: My life choices & boundaries

By not respecting my life choices, what I choose to do in life, what I want to do in my life, my space and my choices including my religion and relationship choices - you are not allowing me to be who I want to be. 

It is extremely distressing, once again same thing. Respecting doesn’t mean you have to accept it, but respecting means you do not make unnecessary comments, or your unnecessary behaviour and way you respond to how I spend my time or who I spend it with it’s really not need and it’s beyond rude. I’ve only gotten mean, and in your words “disrespectful” because I am only trying to protect myself and my mental state. I also believe that if I don’t feel respected, I shouldn’t give respect. It is so degrading to live in this environment and everyone around me e.g my friends can actually sense, see and have witnessed the change in my mental state ever since I’ve moved back home from Uni.

I think I’ll never forget the night where I was ironing my graduation gown and I burned myself and you scolded me, and said I cry until very poor thing but i brought it on to myself? Yes, so what? You didn’t have to point it out to me. Thanks to your scolding, that night I actually felt like COMMITTING SUICIDE. I actually felt like DYING BECAUSE my life is so shitty and I really don’t and didn’t need the negativity that you constantly perceive onto others.

3. You don’t respect me: My room but it’s YOUR HOUSE

You constantly barge in and honestly, I was very very very disturbed when you just open the room door when I’m changing thus I put the sign on the door. But yet, you did it again when you wanted to wake me up and ask me to join you for lunch.

I’m really not interested to join you guys for lunch when I’m asleep. There is a reason why I am still asleep and it is not for you to decide it by opening the door and waking me up just because you want to eat lunch with me. That’s not caring for me, that’s not “I wake you up cause tot u want to join us for lunch“. That’s what you think but that’s the truth of the matter. What you think is not the best but you always think that you are right, “I only concerned for you what”

That right there is a narcissistic thought. If you were really concerned about me, and you respected me, you would not have disturbed me while I’m sleeping, you would not have freely open the door as and when you like just because this is your house.

On top of that, you don’t wake luke up for lunch when he’s sleeping cause you’re afraid he will scold you. But how come you can do it to me? Then when I fight back or am unhappy, i get shouted at but NEVER have I ever seen you shouting at luke when you accidentally wake him or you wake him. You will rapidly apologise like mad. So why is there this difference in treatment here

4. You don’t respect me: I’m not your friend or your husband or a third parent, I’m your child

Don’t dump your emotional shit on me from your unstable relationship with dad. That is not my issue to solve and I hate how you make it mine by constantly telling it to me or in your words “ranting” to me.

In fact, this has been an issue ongoing for so long and you do not understand how much unnecessary stress you are putting on me. Yes you need someone to support you and stuff but that person is NOT ME. In fact, while I was still attending church, I had to do so much healing in this aspect because of you and daddy’s marriage. If you really wanted to, you would have gone to your pastor and solved it by attending marriage counselling or whatever. But because you refuse to, or have yet to or for whatever reasons, it really is putting unnecessary burden and stresses on me that really impact my mental health.

I’m not interested in listening to your stuff because once again, you don’t respect me, and you don’t listen to my stuff WITHOUT giving me unsolicited advice that I do not need.  

5. Expectations: at home

You expect this that and this and that. What do I mean? Really simple put in some examples, Cleaning the house:

Even when we clean, you will reclean because it’s not good enough. Then you complain we don’t help you

Every time we attempt as something, it’s never “good enough“ by your standards, you think it’s not done properly and it’s honestly really freaking tiring. We try to help, but you just put it down. So why would anyone want to help if even if we help all we get is shit in return?

You always have something to say, and it’s nothing that it’s positive or appreciative. And then you say nobody appreciates you at home? Because in all of our attempts to try to help or be better, neither have you ever appreciated a single attempt of ours and that’s why.

6. Narcissistic Parenting: and it has affected my growth going into adulthood

Below are some excerpts from great articles I’ve read over the years:

“It’s clear that there are hundreds of thousands of people around the world who were raised by at least one narcissist, and it wreaked havoc on their self-esteem, their feelings of well-being and safety, and their confidence and courage. Being raised by a narcissist gives rise to a belief throughout our lives that we are just not “good enough” despite everything we try and bending over backwards to please others.

And it damages your boundaries, which are the invisible barriers between you and your outside systems that regulate the flow of information and input between you and these systems. These damaged boundaries thwart your ability to communicate authentically and powerfully, and taint your own self-concept, which in turn damages your relationships and your capability to thrive personally and professionally in the world.  Most adult children of narcissists never get the help they need to recover and heal, because they have no idea that what they’ve experienced as children is unhealthy and destructive.”

https://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2016/07/09/how-being-raised-by-a-narcissist-damages-your-life-and-self-esteem/#754c9dd92c67

Engulfing Narcissists — these are parents who see their children as extensions of themselves. In other words, engulfing narcissistic parents become obsessively involved in your life to an extreme extent. They don’t respect your boundaries or acknowledge you as a separate person. (https://lonerwolf.com/narcissistic-mother-father/)

Manipulation:

Guilt trip: “I’ve done everything for you and you’re so ungrateful.”

Blaming: “It’s your fault that I’m not happy.”

Negative comparison: “Why can’t you be as good as your brother?”

Love is given as a conditional reward, rather than the natural expression of healthy parenting.

Dr. Christiane Northrup, the author of Dodging Energy Vampires, describes what can happen when you have a long-term relationship with a narcissist. Eventually, it emotionally drains you to the point that it can lead to other issues, even those affecting your health.

“The same is true for you. If you are in a relationship with an energy vampire, you may be able to withstand the energy drain for a while, but eventually the relationship takes its toll. And, I’m not just talking about feeling a little emotional or drained. There can be serious health consequences when you are in an unbalanced relationship with an energy vampire. In my decades on the front lines of women’s health, I’ve seen people suffering from adrenal fatigue, chronic Lyme disease, irritable bowel syndrome, thyroid disorders, an inability to lose weight, diabetes, breast cancer, autoimmune disorders and so-called mystery illnesses.”

In fact, I have read countless of such articles and sadly, I relate to them so much it’s unbelievable. I am always SO EMOTIONALLY DRAINED at home, even tho Home is supposed to be a comforting place.

I have low self-esteem, and even though I’ve had many success in my life, I never feel good enough. My friends always ask me why because they all think that really, i’m not doing terribly. I’m also deeply insecure, overly-sensitive and unable to make decisions - all symptoms of a child of a narcissistic.

True love:

Is loving someone without wanting something back. Wanting the best for the person yet being able to respect the person and their boundaries.

I felt like I was brought up to support you in your old age or to help you perceive an image of some sorts. And that’s fine but when it feels like that’s my only purpose in life, get a good job and money to give to them, it really feels depressing. Life itself feels depressing.

For me:

I am a separate being from you. You don’t get to have a say in how I live as an adult even as I slowly transit into adulthood. Your life is not my life, I am not responsible for your actions your thoughts and your decisions or the way you want to live your life. I am responsible for my own actions and decisions and way of life.

I cannot change you but I can focus on myself and focusing on myself also includes cutting toxicity out of my life which includes trying to block toxic people out of my life.

Moving out:

You think I want to move out just because it’s cool? No. It’s because going no contact and moving out is the only way I can recover. It’s the only way I can be me and who i really am without a negative impact in my life.

[abbythoughts]

Having to give up on my dreams.

Having lots of anxiety hit me like tsunami and waves and storms boom boom boom. Particularly when I’m supposed to be asleep.

Questions I ask myself, “if my parents really trust God, why do they worry so much? Do they really trust God? What can you do with worrying? Didn’t God say to not worry for he will provide? So do they really believe that God will provide? If not why are they worrying so much?”

Today my mom told me that I’m not facing reality cause I want to do freelance. And also they’ve been more harsh ever since she got her retrenchment notice. She said it’s “important” to take 17% CPF from Singaporean employers and that by 24 she had enough money in her CPF to buy a house. I told her but times have changed and our house back then only costed 250k - 300k. All she could reply is that you’re not being realistic and nobody’s gonna hire you when you’re 30. Because emceeing and freelancing are not real jobs. Nothing is a real job unless you sit at an office from 9-5 and work under a boss who might just hate you and with possibly horrible colleagues. And that’s a job. I really hate how competitive Singapore is and I hate our society.

“Dad’s not doing well either what you going to do”. She has no dreams of achieving something big in her life? All she ever dreamt about or wished for was that she married rich.

I didn’t say anything even though I have been applying and searching for jobs. Does she even know how much I mourn and pain over having to give up my passion in life. That I know that if I rough it up the first year or so that I’ll be reaping the seeds I’m slowly sowing now?

It’s going to be my birthday but nobody at home wants to celebrate it because of so much bad news. I don’t even want to spend it with them cause all I’m gonna hear is how I’m 24, graduated and am nothing but a jobless dreamer.

[abbythoughts]

9 Signs of Borderline Personality Disorder

Imagine yourself on moving sands—the ground underneath your feet continually changing and startling you, leaving you terrified and guarded. That’s what it’s like if you have borderline personality disorder (BPD). Almost everything in your world is unstable: your relationships, moods, thinking, behavior, and even your identity. It’s a frightening and painful way to live. But there is hope. There are effective BPD treatments and coping skills that can help you feel better and back in control of your thoughts, feelings, and actions.

What is borderline personality disorder (BPD)?

If you have borderline personality disorder (BPD), you probably feel like you’re on a rollercoaster—and not just because of your unstable emotions or relationships, but also the wavering sense of who you are. Your self-image, goals, and even your likes and dislikes may change frequently in ways that feel confusing and unclear.

People with BPD tend to be extremely sensitive. Some describe it as…..

CONTINUE READING HERE

[abbythoughts]

Lesser

Been feeling a lot lesser than usual. Maybe a sense of loss in identity, individuality and direction. What am I really here for? It’s such a shame I’ve lost a lot of it being in a relationship because I became weaker and more reliant. I’ve also some how lost a huge bunch of confidence that I used to have when I was much younger. And somehow I feel a little more “stupid” in some sense? Respect too like well... idk it’s really puzzling to think of it but it sucks that I overthink and a lot of my actions and emotions are based on external factors. I’m missing an anchor. But am I ready to take it back? 

[abbythoughts]

“I crave a love so deep the ocean would be jealous.”

— Tahere Mafi

[abbythoughts]

[abbythoughts]

I want this to work and I hope you see it that way too.

[abbythoughts]

Burn Aplenty

The marks on the field Symbolizing human presence Evidence of the destructive moves of man Not once a care for the rhythm of nature

The tracks etched deep within Like a permanent print made on clay Harden and irreversible The monument of future dwellers

The satisfaction on their faces Soon turn astray As heaven cries out and strikes in anger As the laborers burn in flames

Burn to ashes, burn burn burn.

[abbythoughts]

I know I shouldn't.

Because I have no rights and it's been so long since "we" happened. 

But I can't help thinking of all the things that could have went perfectly right with us. I know this is unhealthy and although I feel happy and blissful at times, sometimes I do think, how would it feel like to have you by my side once more? 

It's nice to see that you're wearing a watch now.

Maybe, I still love you the same. 

[abbythoughts]

Déjà Vu

Amidst the long and excessive journey home of constant bus transfers, we were here that day, at this unfamiliar and foreign bus stop that was never and had never been a part of any of our routines.

While waiting for our next ride home, you held me close embrace. Out of a sudden, I broke apart and shouted excitedly, in my usual oblivious manner, "I've got a Déjà Vu!!"

"Opps, that was a little too loud wasn't it?"

You laughed and nodded your head, tilting it to the left as if to signal that you wanted to hear more, squeezing my hand tightly.

I begun my story of how I've had this really weird dream that I could never figure out. It involved this bus stop, a bird, you and me.

"I had this dream, that we were here! At this bus stop. And it was really weird cause this place is such an unlikely place for us to be at, right? So we were just here. And there was this bird on the road, in front of us. It was as though it had turned to stoned and it didn't even move a single inch. Soon there was a bus approaching and I screamed at it to move, flinging my arms at it, trying to get it to fly away. But it just remained there. And the bus came and knocked it over. I was so upset. You tried to comfort me, telling me, "It's okay, you tried your best. It wasn't your fault." And you held me in your arms, for what seemed like an eternity as I tried to erase that memory. And I awoke, clueless."

You weren't sure how to react, displaying a face of mixed expressions. It took a whole before you started laughing and pulled me close, whispering to me, "Silly girl, that's not going to happen! At least I'm here now, right?"

"I'm not freaked out or anything! I mean look!" I uttered before running around the bus stop, shouting and flinging my hands at the birds and watching them take flight.

I turned around to watch you pretend to not know me for five seconds before busting out laughing. I wasn't concerned about the disapproving looks I was receiving, but seeing you laughing and smiling and me, that was enough then.

Cause in that moment, I loved you - and we were happy.

[abbythoughts]

Because in a crowd, her eyes constantly search for signs of you. Wishing you would appear, making her heart flutter. Though she has no idea how she would react upon meeting you once again, she just wishes that it was possible.

[abbythoughts]

i thought of you.

I thought of you. But I don't think that you'll ever think of me the same way I do. Do you reminisce and miss "what was"? 

I am a silly fool, for believing that things can always take a better turn maybe few months down the road, and maybe things can be recovered. I doubt that will really happen. They say to drop you a text and see how it goes.. but the embarrassment following after, or the afterthoughts on the following actions - I can't even begin to imagine. Besides, the words I use and the kindness within it...."Think of the given consequences."

I know I should move on, but moving on has been tough. And being completely free of it seems like a tough thing too.

But it's a new year, and maybe things will get better. 

[abbythoughts]

When it hits you.

I guess that’s just the way life is now. When the harsh reality hits you and you finally realise that you're not that good enough after all. When you get put second and you realize that you were never that much deemed worthy by another whom you so dearly treasured and thought was true to you. And you thought that everything was good. It always appears so. But people always fail you, don’t they?That’s the harsh reality of the world as these masked strangers open their arms and whisper to you, “Welcome to the real world little dear.”

[abbythoughts]

I think it's called a crush.

These feelings that are arising, I think it's something commonly known as a "crush". It's pretty silly because I know it's fairly impossible. It's like Gatsby before he was rich and Daisy, the ever typical rich daughter. Well, kind of. Is it supposed to be good or bad? It seems to be more of the downfall and I guess that's why it's called a crush - cause you and your feelings get crushed. If it weren't that way, it might have been called something more happy. Maybe a "blossoms"? Like - "I have a blossoms on him." Cause I think I have a crush on him and hopefully it will fade, not leaving me too sad. 

[abbythoughts]

I don't like this.

I don't like this feeling of almost being attached to something I know will not stay permanent. I hate how easily I get bought in. 

I also don't like how I wish I knew more, and how much I wished for things to be the way I wanted it to be.

Today, I talked to a friend about really being over someone. And I realised, I've never really gotten over anyone or anything. It's like they're just forever etched there in my mind, knowing that once, a part of my life was a little more bearable, a little more happier with that someone. 

Right now, I can't decide if I like this or not. Neither do I know what can I do with it. Because I definately know that if I were to walk past or see someone from my past, I would be able to walk past them but not with the courage I need. Nor without it sparking back great memories and all the feelings that was attached to it. But somehow, it would and might have been strangely weirdly satisfying to be able to have seen them. 

And I can't explain or really understand this.

[abbythoughts]

Is it possible?

Is it possible to be sad over someone's hurt? Someone's break up even?

So much you wish to run to them and tell them that all will be alright, even if you know it won't be. You'll tell them you understand, only because you went through the same thing. They may or may not believe you, that they're strong enough to get through this tough period, where death seems like the best idea. But you know one day, they'll look back and say, "Hey, what she said was true."

I think the hardest part to get over is knowing that there was someone who loved you simply for who you were. Loving you so much that it changed you, and that it made you better. When that kind of love is broken, it's a huge tragedy. The lessons you learnt, you'll never forget. And how much love you gave, is what you will never regret. And you know that maybe, you'll take the person back in a heartbeat when they turn around and start running back to you. But that's never as possible or feasible. No matter how many stars you wish upon and no matter how much you hope for it. 

Stay strong my friend.