zay-kami

[zay-kami]

I just realized how alone I am...

[zay-kami]

tw: everything

They will wonder why there is a hole...

Right?

No, they dont care that much

[zay-kami]

Yonger me,

I know you will never see this but...

You will find that person. He is amazing a kind, and loving. He will lift you up so much, you will forget your pain, He will be there for you when everything hurts. He will never do anything that would hurt you. He will come up to your level and sit with you. He is everything we dreamed about. He will promise to be with us forever.

But He brakes that promise, and you wont blame him for it. If you were in his situation and had the option, you would do the same. We both knew what would happen as soon as his family forced him to be in that house 24/7 with no contact. We knew he would be leaving that house dead because of his own hands.

So yes he will abandon you, and it will hurt alot. But you are so happy that you meet him, and you will love them so much. all of them. and they love you too, so you will let them go so they dont have to suffer in that house.

-&^$#([_÷>

I want a guy who is patient with me. A guy that will help me with my biggest fears slowly, and will be there when my fears get to me. A guy who will stay with me even though my biggest fears are being touched by someone bigger than me, and being abandoned by the same person.

[zay-kami]

I cant feel anything when you arnt with me

and when you say you might kill yourself then i feel selfish

is me feeling no emotion better then you having to suffer on earth

yes

so i will sit here, knowing the best for you and put my selfishness aside, and let u no longer suffer.

the only thing on my mind will be u, unable to do the same thing you did.

I promised I would only love you, forever

so I will keep my promise, And I will sit here lack of emotions knowing the only person I could love is gone.

[zay-kami]

Why the Fuck do teacher not Fucking realize that students have bad home situations\/.

When a students comes up to you and begs you to mark them just tardy when they show up one min late, MARK THEM TARDY!

Why do teachers Alowed to mark kid absent when the kids shows up ONE MINUTE late, and there was no bell!

[zay-kami]

TW: Bad school system, Self harm, heavy topic

My English Teachers are scared of me, because of my DID. I heard them say to each other to keep their distance from me because they dont know if I am capable of harm.

In their class we are reading a book the hits my trauma head on, and they gave no warning. I was breaking down in their class Crying silenly, as I had flashbacks. They asked others if they were sleepy, but never asked me if i was ok.

At the beging of our class today they changes the seats to put me the farthest away and surrounded by guys to isolate me. I felt so unsafe, and like i shouldn't exsist.

It breaks my heart and mind knowing that they see me as a monster, even while I am crushing my neck, hoping to kill my self for what I did.

[zay-kami]

I wish I could get dunked into cold water, and have everywhere they touched me just melt away.

I still feel their finger prints, and the tears running down my face.

I can't even sleep with their hands etched into my sides.

[zay-kami]

what do I do?

what do I do when one year ago I had trusted a boy(J) so much I let them know my trauma, and then the next day he(J) tell my whole high school.

teacher and studenta looked at me with pity( the one thing i hate ),

my parents found out about it because of the boy(J) (and now hit me & slut sham me daily),

one teacher did things to me because he knew I was easy

I couldn't get on student council because of what the boy(J) told everyone

and now only 1 year latter one of the boy's friends(L) came up to me and said that i should let it go, because he(J) regretted it, and that me disliking him(J) has made people not want to be his friend. L said,"i think it is causing him more pain then what you are going through".

what do i do

at the beginning of this school year i told one of my friends(S) what happened and then the next day she(S) was hanging out with the boy.(i said nothing to S about it and let S be) she talks about him all the time.

L said,"you are hurting (S) because of your hatred of (J)"

what do I do

i have tried to avoid them(J&S) and that lead to the convo with his friend(L).

What do I do

[zay-kami]

I told you I am dieing

I told you I'm not making it to graduation night

You asked if I was ok with death

I said yes

but you never asked if I was ok with the pain of it

so when the pain comes you ask what is wrong

i look at you like you dont remember

like you dont care

because honestly

you dont, you are just being here for me untill I die so you can veiw yourself as a kind person

[zay-kami]

My whole entire friend group is finding out they have DID. I could have told them from the start but i let them figure it out.

One of the people is my new S/O and one of his alters has decided to not care about me except for one of my alters who they are also pissing off.

I never knew how difficult yet freeing it is to have people I can relate to with having DID.

[zay-kami]

We choose to be friends after you broke up with me.

I don't regret deciding to stay friends.

but she is finding new ways to keep braking my heart each day.

We agreed to be friends, but she doesn't care about me enough for that.

I have been try to be close to her since we meet 4 years ago.

[zay-kami]

I realised how much I matter

to you

to others

to myself

I realised how much thing matter to me

You

Them

not me

The only thing that matches is that we all gave up on me.

[zay-kami]

Then I was in eighth grade I had an unexplainable fascination with meteors relating a broken white plate or the colour black symbolizing all colors.

I just realized a little bit a go that I have DID. No wonder i was fascinated by something pure that got broken by someone else. No wonder I thought of myself as the colour that holds more then the eyes could ever see.

[zay-kami]

Alone. I honestly forgot that this feeling is what others called lonely. I know it as my default setting.

[zay-kami]

Does anyone else have a food order that if someone gets you that specific food order, no matter what they have done to you, you will trust them. Just me?

Well one person that knew mine, used me then gave me the order and I would sit there fine with what happen, All because he remembered my specific order. He keeped doing it and all i can remember now is how many times he got me that food order.

And that food order has never changed. Even after what he did. Even after others did the same thing.

[zay-kami]

I am tired of people leaving. They come, give me all these hopes and promises. Then they disappear. I use to think they would still hold their promises, but now the only promise I believe from a person is that they will leave.

Some come back just so they can see if I miss them. Then they leave again, knowing I will miss them. Knowing I will cry. Knowing I will dream about them coming back.

But they never do.

[zay-kami]

I want a guy who is patient with me. A guy that will help me with my biggest fears slowly, and will be there when my fears get to me. A guy who will stay with me even though my biggest fears are being touched by someone bigger than me, and being abandoned by the same person.