writing-to-stay-sane

[writing-to-stay-sane]

Haven't posted in a while, I think I gave up on myself, just a little... or a lot probably. I'm not the happiest person but I have joy in my life. What's this thing in us that won't allow us to follow our dreams or accept the happiness that surrounds us? Why must I choose this depression over the joys that surround me? Why?

[writing-to-stay-sane]

Life is just this vast play ground that allows us really to do what we want. All you have to do is pick a starting point and start walking. You don't like where you live you can move, you don't like what you do, do something else. Really the possibilities are endless. All it takes is that one moment that you decide to change and what and how you change is all up to you. We're told as kids we can grow up to be what ever we want, they were right. You can be what ever you decide to be.

[writing-to-stay-sane]

The older I get the harder it is to continue my passion as a career. With age comes wisdom, experience, and most of all realizations of life. I see other artists struggling and clinging to the idea of making their passion a means of making money. That sad truth is some of them aren't good enough to be paid for their passion, but to be only looked on with a new hobby. I don't want to be on that line, teetering back and forth from reality and fiction of what could be for me. I'll write till my last breathe, but I don't know what will become of them after I'm gone.

[writing-to-stay-sane]

Sometimes I say something that I think is just a so clever, so bright and astute makes me feel like wow man you did it. You never have to think again. I share my thought or quote with the world and no one seems to care, no one treats me like the special snowflake that I was told I was. What gives? It's like the world is a giant vast battle grounds of unpopular, undeserving people that decide what's cool and what's not. Wait? Oh...

"I'm not a writer, just a stenographer that argues with himself."

[writing-to-stay-sane]

The more I work, more I realize life, no society is designed for the rich and well off. The connected and in pocket people. It's not designed for me or you especially if we're people of color. The rich get richer as we work and try to survive. The policy's and rules that have been set in place keep us locked and gaged to be worked and complacent as we die off one by one. They treat lower class citizens like disposable trash bags they fill with false promises. We don't matter to them, as long as we stay the corse they let us live in misery so they might exploit us further. We don't matter, even when one of use makes it across that class border they still treat that person like a prize horse, just waiting to be put down. Life was ment for us all, but society has deemed it only for the rich, the ones that came first.

[writing-to-stay-sane]

The question I currently ask myself is this.

How do I make myself feel?

Do I like the things I do, the way I talk, act and think... or do I feel anger and fear towards myself?

Do the dark thoughts scare me, will I ever act on them? Maybe they're just thoughts and nothing more?

How do I make myself feel, and do I agree with my verdict?

[writing-to-stay-sane]

In a room full of people, people I've known for my whole life, I've never felt more out of place. They watched me grow up, others grew up with me, but still the gap of similarity is vast. We've all gone down separate paths, but they've walked down as neighbors while I've traveled as a stranger. We don't see eye to eye, and we only speak in pleasantries, but each year around the same time we gather together to celebrate something we don't understand and ask each other how is life. This is what family is for me, family... a word I can't fathom, a word that leaves me bereft of emotions. Family... just another word.

[writing-to-stay-sane]

Fighting... we all have to do it. No matter the reason or cause it's something that passes all our lives. We can't always choose a passive stance in life. There will be times that life challenges and tests you, hoping that you'd stand up for what you want, hoping that you're willing to drudge through the mud and sick that is life in order to have what you want. Nothing in life is free, and life is suffering, so it's up to us to fight, to fight for a reason for living.

[writing-to-stay-sane]

Time, time is a valuable asset. It's not an equal though. It's dulled out to some of us like an hourly rate, others are just given it in abundance. We all need it though, we all crave it, but most of us waste the amount we get. Time is an allowance that we waste on treats instead of investing it in ourselves. We take the low risk low reward instead of gambling on ourselves with high risk and that great high reward. Invest in yourself, it's a long game, but it's worth it.

[writing-to-stay-sane]

I sit outside waiting for work to start in 50 degree weather. My fingers and barely type, and as I move through the cold I realize that happiness is such and easy thing to obtain. It's a state of mind and a place you choose to be. I'm cold and waiting to be at a place I care so little for, but it funds my writing, which makes me happy. The grand of scheme of things I suppose or looking on the bright side, I don't know there's a lesson here somewhere, but I'm just too happy to care.

[writing-to-stay-sane]

It's getting harder to follow dreams that feel like nightmares. The longer they allude me I feel drawn to them more and more. These thoughts are fuzzy and shrouded in fog, but still I walk the blind path of soulful, wishful thinking. Hoping the smog dosen't turn to fire and burn me alive.

[writing-to-stay-sane]

From a young age some of us have been told we can be whatever we want to be, but we're not all told how hard it can and will be. We're allowed to dream and believe in magic when we're young, but the older we get we must throw away childish endeavors such as whimsy and wonder. We grow up and mature into this thing, this husk of a human that follows down the same beaten path as the rest. Many of us follow our dreams as far and long as possible, but life does a good job of getting in the way plus the plethora of people that will laugh and doubt you hoping you'll fall down with them. Others can't seem to find the strength to go on in life and others just give in before things get tough. We seem to be doomed from the get go, who knew we entered an arena for battle the second we're born. 

[writing-to-stay-sane]

[writing-to-stay-sane]

[writing-to-stay-sane]

When I was growing up I always felt alone to some extent, I felt different and I felt special. I learned that in life I'm not the only one that feels this way. There were thousands, millions of people that felt this way, that we're going through what I was... but this didn't make me feel better. I thought knowing I wasn't alone would make me feel less alone, but in the end it just made me realize there was a problem with me and others, a problem we didn't know how to fix. 7 billion people on the planet and more then half don't wanna be here.

[writing-to-stay-sane]

[writing-to-stay-sane]

Heart break, lose, trauma. That's the price we pay for love. The reward is trust, happiness, and memories. We sit and weigh out our options while we choose who gets to hurt us. We hold on to hope, hope that we find someone that wants to stay, that chooses you back. That's weighed out the same options and problems and still looks to you for love. That not only wants the good times, but is willing to go through the bad as a team. You're looking for a partner, someone that can hear your voice when the world shuts you out. Someone to kiss.