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Reactive abuse

Did you ever feel as if your abuser were baiting you? Perhaps gaslighting you? An argument designed to attack you emotionally or psychologically that you cannot win?

You are much more at risk in these situations for perpetrating reactive abuse.

Reactive abuse is a tactic used by abusers to shift blame in a justifiable away from themselves and onto you. It's pure manipulation. It is done to convince others they are a victim.

Your abuser will weaponize your valid anger or frustration in order to make you the crazy person or the abuser. Let's say you caught your husband cheating after several times prior, he says he gave up the affair and apologized. He then blames you for the affair because "you will not forgive him" (because you know, it's only been a few weeks or months and you still have to process all that deception and pain). You argue with you husband and you bitch slap him. That is reactive abuse. (And yes, cheating is emotional abuse unless you are in a non-monogamous relationship and you all agree on the boundaries of your relationships.)

In situations like this, your abuser can now cry how crazy you are or what you do to him, or what a liar you are to claim they abuse you. Your husband will loudly let everyone know exactly how you should be portrayed: they ugly, loud, jealous, lying bitch.

Reactive abuse usually has these elements: 1) You are provoked--insulted, gaslighted, lied to, or baited into an argument. 2) You react from a position of anger or frustration and do something you normally would not do--hurt back in some way such as slap, kick, insult. 3) Has proof of your abuse and uses it for blackmailing or smear campaign: Your abuser will now have evidence to start a credible smear campaign or use this evidence to blackmail you. (Twitter post that says "Hey wanna see a really crazy woman?" Then posts your picture. Or goes home to his family and says "See this bruise. My wife is physically abusive.")

This will effectively isolate you from support because those in your circle may not find your claims against your abuser credible. The cycle can continue indefinitely if you allow it.

When your relationship has reached the point of reactive abuse, WALK AWAY. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. You are beyond the point of grey rocking this idiot. The abuser has crossed one too many boundaries. Find ways to keep your mental health intact--get a therapist, find a trusted family member or friend, find ways to bolster your self-esteem and stop any negative self-talk. Reactive abuse is often your abuser's goal: he can discard you and not face the consequence of his treatment of you. It removes accountability from him. It is manipulation, pure and simple.

Keep in mind that reactive abuse does not only happen in marriages or romantic relationships. It happens between family members and friends as well. Your choice here is your well-being and happiness or allowing someone to destroy you. Choose YOU.

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Emotional abuse: blackmailing

Abuse can be very covert. It can come as emotional blackmailing. Your abuser will absolutely find your weakest spot and attack there. There will be warning, although you will be the only to know about it. The abuser can be stealthy.

This type of behavior allows emotional or psychological abuse to thrive. It's also quite common, if you speak up to someone about it--even someone you trust, for them to question you: "I don't believe THAT," "did you provoke him?," "oh you know, she's just a loudmouth bitch, ignore it."

When you hear that, silently remove yourself from the situation. Your abuser's covert behavior is designed as a targeted attack to isolate you, gain some reward (such as attention from others), and to ensure they hurt you as much as possible. Covert abusers are weak, insecure, petty individuals who themselves are hurting. Do not strike back because this is not a game. This is a serious and intentional and well-thought out plan, your abuser planned this well. Seek help as soon as possible. Do not believe the insults that will be hurled your way.

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In case you are full of doubts while stumbling upon this post: You are more than your bad days. You are more than your sadness. You are more than these bad thoughts telling you that you have no purpose. You are loved. You are important. You are irreplaceable. You are so damn worthy. Nothing and no one can ever take that away from you.

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Healing

To me, healing is an odd thing when you've experienced verbal, emotional, or psychological abuse. Trust in others has been broken, your abuser will go to some extreme lengths to protect himself, and you can lose relationships in the process. People you felt were your family, friends, or "tribe" walk away in silence because either they have something in their relationship to your abuser that is rewarding to them. or they don't want to rock the boat, or they themselves may fear the abuser.

So a victim of this kind of abuse has no physical wounds to say "hey, look at what happened to me." It's difficult to prove. Your abuse may have occurred privately. Your tribe may silently ignore the situation. One key idea to keep in mind is trauma is anything that makes you feel unsafe--physically, emotionally, or psychologically. Emotional abuse is also closely linked to complex PTSD.

There is a large number of folks out there who believe "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." That is false. Verbal abuse is aggression and it is emotional violence. It is often hidden in the shadows, where your abuser wants you. It can cause you to self-gaslight. When you have been gaslighted, you are put in a position where you question your own reality. You will ask yourself if "was what happened to me really that bad?", "am I really a bad person?", "did I exaggerate?" This is self-gaslighting. The answer to all of these questions is NO. If your abuser was actually concerned about you as a person, you would have been treated with respect, honesty, and without humiliation or deceit. Abusers do not care about their victims.

Healing is not easy. It requires that you acknowledge to yourself it happened. You need to validate yourself and use positive self-talk and make your well-being a priority. Document your abuse. Write about it. Be specific. That way, you are less likely to doubt yourself.

Remember that words DO have a physical effect on us. Words have specific meaning and they convey thoughts that can be absolutely cruel and demeaning. Words that are intended to harm you will cause a fight or flight response in you. Cortisol levels rise. Anxiety will rise. This causes real physical issues: migraines, increased blood pressure, digestive issues. It also causes further psychological issues: you are unable to recall details, you may ruminate, you are much more likely to experience depression.

Do not blame yourself. You likely absorbed an untrue message from your abuser or maybe his flying monkeys from a smear campaign that you are a bad person or that you deserved the abuse. That is absolutely 100% false. It is not about you, but about your abuser's need to control you. Do not engage with your abuser if they ever reach out and do not respond to any flying monkeys. You are not under any obligation to justify yourself. What your abuser wants is to trigger any response out of you for their own egotistical purposes. They desire the attention brought to them. Again, this is a tactic to shield themselves, to prevent the sunlight placed on their malicious behaviors.

In my situation, my abuser absolutely hated that I grey rocked his ass. It made him increasingly angrier. It made him lash out at the end with a humongous smear campaign and a string of viciously insulting texts. If you cannot remove the abuser from your life completely, be aware that this type of behavior will continue until you can. Find someone who can help, someone you can talk to, someone who appreciates you. I was fortunate. I had a sister who saw through all of this and was there to witness some of this behavior and who supported me both in person and via text and phone. I understand finding that person may be difficult. Call 988 or get therapy ASAP. You need to process this emotional trauma and understand it was never about you and it was not your fault.

Healing is not easy. You will feel anger, resentment, loneliness, guilt, lack of self-esteem, shame, a ton of negative emotions. This is EXACTLY what your abuser wants to you experience. These are emotions that can isolate you, break you mentally, and cause you depression and anxiety. Your abuser wants to 100% break you. Do not let them do that. Reach out, ask for help and support. It is a form of self-love. There is no shame in letting the world know you need help and letting the world know your truth. Develop a powerful compassion for yourself by kicking your abuser out of your life and out of your mind. Communicate and connect with others who will model love, wisdom, compassion, and acceptance to you and reflect that back out into the word. Do not let an abuser put you in a place where you are in a place of hate, fear, and anger.

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This is how you move on

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Abusers may really believe their reality to be truth

This happened to me--my verbal abuser doesn't believe he did anything wrong. He believed he was a victim and that he was always right. He stated this as well on Facebook, talking about how he has no emotions and that being able to see things unemotionally was his superpower. (I found that funny given his explosive anger. I guess anger isn't an emotion?)

When I confronted him with his verbal abuse, he looked at me and asked me to give him an example. I gave one very specific and recent example where he exploded in anger over a small purchase I made that I thought might make caring for my daughter easier. I got told in no minced words: "goddamn boomer, more shit to put into a landfill." He screamed this in front of several persons, including my ex (who will not recognize the verbal abuse). I mean, if he really didn't want this small item, "no thank you" would have been just as effective, right?

Your abuser may themselves feel victimized. They may have been in the past. They may have a mental illness. They may have a personality disorder. But they want to hide the truth and turn the situation around so that they are the victim. However, recognize that when they lash out like this, you have done nothing wrong and it is NOT about you. It is about them--their need to control, to belittle, intimidate, to maintain some status or level of power, they are deeply insecure, or need to be right. Possibly even to get attention themselves by attempting to make you appear stupid or weak.

Remember, abuse is wrong no matter the mental health status of the abuser. He or she likely abuses because it's very possible they were abused or there is some mental health issue they are battling. There is no need to get into their head, attempt analyze what is wrong with them, or worry what you did wrong. Talk to supportive friends or family or a therapist. Validate yourself and understand you did no wrong. Do not let the abuser isolate you.

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Smear campaigns

Smear campaigns are typically discussed in the context of narcissism, but I don't think you need to be narcissistic to conduct a smear campaign. It's tactic a lot of teenagers use to bully a classmate. It's also a fairly infantile way of indicating that your only goal was to discredit, harm, bully, or intimidate someone who you disagree with or who may have called your bluff out on a lie. It's purpose is to isolate you, attempt to cause family and friends to question your motives and actions, and to give the abuser power over you.

In my case, the smear campaign came after my verbal abuser realized he no longer could control me and I mentioned, several times, to my family I believed he was verbally abusing me. I learned he was telling a lie, a lie where he claimed all of my kids and he decided daughter would not want a graveside service. I wanted a small one, I did not want my daughter buried alone in the company of strangers. but I did not know of these decisions or discussions until as a family we had to plan a funeral. It was an attempt to keep me quiet, to help him avoid the discomfort of burying his partner, and to triangulate my family. I learned through a direct discussion with one of my kids and via the reactions of another that he lied to me about these discussions and decisions. He then had to audacity to claim I maliciously withheld information and he was such a good communicator with my family. If you're such a good communicator, then why was I not involved with that decision about my daughter's burial--particularly where I was the next of kin responsible for her burial?

So when the lie was exposed and he could not verbally abuse me in person, he posted a public Facebook message that stated I was a narcissist and he tagged me.

After the Facebook post and after he realized I was able to remove that tag and I had blocked him off of Facebook, I'd gotten a string of text screeds, each nastier than the previous. I read them, replied to one and said "I said once before, if you want to sit down and discuss without explosive anger out of you, let me know." Within the span of maybe 2-3 minutes, I got three more arrogant, privileged, and insulting text screeds about how I did nothing for my daughter and how my family should hate me. I told him in no uncertain terms that I was not continuing the conversation and immediately blocked him on my phone. He had a meltdown and needed to rescue himself from this shitty position he put himself in. I did not have to keep myself open to insults and put-downs and childish family triangulation. I politely directed him to realize he had the responsibility to remove the abuse from the conversation, and I kept the door open for conversation. But he pushed. I closed the door.

This is how they work, folks. This is a common abuse tactic--they do not want their abuse or lies or hidden selves to be exposed to the sun. They will meltdown and attempt to strike out against you and triangulate relationships or do something to attract drastic attention to themselves.

Don't believe a word they say. Move on. Remove their darkness from your life. Someone who behaves like this is a wounded soul and it is not your job to fix their wounds. It is theirs.

[whisky-tango-foxtrot-biteme]

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Narcissim

Today, narcissism seems to be a buzz word. Particularly in pop culture and in politics.

I will not throw words around that imply I can diagnose someone. I'm nothing more than an everyday kind of person. I go to work, I live in a house, I pay my taxes, I have friends, I like certain foods, and I have a college education that did not include the ability to medically or clinically diagnose someone.

I understand there is NPD, narcissistic personality disorder. Clinically, from what I've read on medical and research sites, it's a relatively rare personality disorder. I also understand everyone shows narcissistic traits from time to time. We might feel envious of our friend's brand new car while we're struggling to make the rent. Or we might exaggerate our skills a bit in a friendly sporting competition--"you should see just how hard I hit that ball, it was nearly out of the park!" That's normal. What isn't normal is from my simple understanding is that someone with NPD has an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and feels they deserve special treatment or demand excessive attention. I'm not a clinician and I do not have the ability to diagnose a personality disorder. I am staying completely away from that argument.

However, it can be reasonable to assume that someone with NPD can be abusive verbally, emotionally, or psychologically. But you do not require a diagnosis of NPD to be abusive. I tend to think abusers probably need some mental health intervention, but that is not my problem as well. I don't intend to focus on trying to understand abusers here. I am concerned only with my experiences and giving my perspective as someone who experienced some rather intense verbal and emotional abuse from a family member. Over time, I will be discussing specific incidents and situations I experienced. I do not care to diagnose or try to understand the abuser. I have somewhat of an understanding of why he did what he did and I know the context. None of that, nor his claims of having a few mental health diagnoses, excuses his behavior. He was a grown ass man who refused to take responsibility for his behavior.

I will tell my story simply because I believe we all have a voice, I have a voice. My family choked my voice through their reactions of silence and passive support of what he did. What this man's potential diagnosis could be, I have no clue nor do I actually care. That's between him and his mental health professionals. While this man truly had reason for a lot of support, his abuse was ignored or excused because honestly, the situation was awful for everyone involved. However, I don't believe the tragic situation excuses him. It simply wasn't a one-off incident or just a mistake. It was deliberate behavior and definitely was abusive. I want to encourage anyone who experiences verbal, emotional, or psychological abuse to speak up, tell their story, and get the support they need.

[whisky-tango-foxtrot-biteme]

Self-care

When you realize you are being abused verbally, emotionally, or psychologically, take very good care of yourself. Love you. Do things that will help you heal and keep you healthy both physically and mentally.

You may find yourself ruminating. (Which ironically was what drove me to start this blog--I then thought to put my feelings and experiences into words that could spark discussion.) When you ruminate, you are beating yourself up because you'll be wondering how you can make the situation better or how you could adapt yourself to keep the peace. Be authentically you and understand this is not your fault, that attempting to adapt yourself or keep the peace will only make you feel worse. Do something with that energy rather than ruminate. Write. Walk. Clean. Go to the grocery. Call a friend to do lunch. Go for a run. Do something mentally or physically demanding. Dissipate that energy so that your mind cannot beat your up and harm your self-esteem. Do something that will require your attention and can absorb you so that you do not have the mental space to ruminate.

If at all possible, cut that person out from your life. Create boundaries that make you feel comfortable. Don't permit someone's terrible behavior and hateful attitudes to infiltrate your mental and emotional space. Block that person on social media, from your phone. Do not give that person the chance to explain or apologize. They know what they did. They know what they need to do--and it is to address their personal issues and mental health.

If you cannot cut that person from your life, minimize your exposure to them in anyway possible. You will see terms like "grey rocking" or "going dark" tossed around. And likely a lot of blah blah blah about how to do that or what it means. Ignore that mumbo jumbo. Just minimize your presence in their lives, communicate with them in the most minimal way possible. If they ask a question that requires a response, give them the specific answer they need: "Are you coming to mom's birthday party?" Your answer should be yes or no. Don't get caught up in their word salads because they often will drag side issues into the question or perhaps start on an all out attack against you if you give them an answer they don't want. Suss out the issue, understand it, and do not give more information than necessary. Your immediate answer isn't usually needed, take the time you need to understand exactly what they are asking or saying. Then at mom's birthday party, nod or give one or two word answers if the abuser talks to you. Whatever the need for being in their presence--minimize their access to you. GTFO of their line of vision.

Build your community. Despite the awful behavior that an abuser can display toward you that can wound you psychologically and make you feel worthless, and despite the flying monkeys they can muster, there ARE people out there who love you, respect you, and want you to thrive and be happy and well. Find that tribe and maintain their support. Even if it's just to text your sister to let her know, "hey, I'm having a bad day... can you chat or send me a stupid joke so I can laugh?" can do wonders. Just getting a positive few words will lighten your burden, I promise.

Seek out a therapist if you can. This is serious stuff. Verbal and emotional abuse can cause you great anxiety and affect your physical health. Therapy is a safe and effective way to get out how you feel and see the situation and will help you find practical ways on dealing with your emotions and with the effects of being abused.

Seek out medical care if you need. Any kind of abuse takes a toll mentally. That will take a toll on you physically. In my case, it was really awful anxiety. Anytime I saw his name or thought it possible he would be in my presence, my heart would pound rapidly and i got tense and fearful. I could not concentrate and I was terrified of making even the simplest mistake in his presence. My cortisol levels rose so high that my blood pressure elevated considerably--from about 115/75 to over 130/90. It took weeks to bring it down to 120/80. My physician knows about the situation I was in and she is monitoring not only my blood pressure but my mental welfare and did prescribe a low-dose anti-anxiety drug. I am trying that and I will work with my physician.

You may need to get creative with your self-care. But ensure that it covers your mental, emotional, psychological, and physical needs. You are not the monster the abuser wants you to be. You have people who do care about you and your well-being. You are a human being who has the right to live peacefully and be respected, loved, and treasured.