vizhen-thoughts

[vizhen-thoughts]

Mon Jun 13 2022 4:20pm

ahh yes. let’s get down to business.

my dad abandoning his responsibilities as a father. my dad taking advantage of me when i was too young to even know what was happening.

my mom emotionally neglecting me for most of my life. my mom gaslighting me and my needs in small, subtle ways. but enough to make me second-guess myself to this day.

all of this caused my body to be in constant survival mode.

i never felt safe.

i never felt loved.

i never felt accepted.

that subconscious energy became my face, and it invited a lot of kids who wanted to feel power over someone weak.

each kid was different in their deliveries, but the principal remained the same.

i wasn’t always quiet.

i wasn’t always shy.

but i never had anyone to teach me how to be social with other kids my age.

admittedly, i was awkward and unaware of common social cues.

i was ostracized and bullied by my peers for that reason.

i never overstepped boundaries with my peers, as i’d known the consequences of doing so at home, and i was afraid that my peers would give a negative response as well.

but even tiptoeing around everyone wasn’t enough.

they criticized me for being smarter than most others. they laughed at the way i walked and talked, and dressed because i was poor and couldn’t afford name-brand clothes.

they laughed at me for wearing glasses, and they judged me because i was a friend-less black girl who liked anime.

this didn’t happen all at once.

no.

throughout elementary and middle school, i was almost constantly bullied for my looks; for being a “nerd” because i was an honor roll student who wore glasses; for being “weird” because my favorite thing in the world was anime; and for the fact that i appeared weak.

i see now that there were so many factors outside of myself that went into my childhood experiences, but i believe the biggest factor was my single-parent household that was shaped by a society that encouraged parents to provide for their children by any means necessary, even if that means physical and/or emotional neglect.

that subconscious mindset, on top of inherent american narcissism, caused my mother to satisfy her and her children’s physical needs only.

as long as she and her children had a roof over their heads, food and clothing that was enough for her.

but growing up in poverty, you often dissociate from the idea of a certain calorie intake. when you can hardly afford the necessities as is, you become normalized to the concept of “any food is good food”.

one living in poverty doesn’t even have the time or energy to think about the people who live lives of comfort or excess at the expense of the poor’s needs.

people in poverty have to budget like crazy—and most of the time there isn’t a way to budget out of poverty unless you’re right along the bottom of the middle-class, and also have no one else to provide for but yourself.

families in poverty often rely on a sole provider, created out of this hierarchy of what an american family should look like—the nuclear family.

but families in poverty more often than not do not get to enjoy that luxury.

families in poverty are often single-parent, broken, or just all around dysfunctional as a result of a multitude of economic reasons and personal values.

i have been able to recognize this and reach these conclusions due to my hyper-awareness, resulting from my past trauma.

i have always been hyper-aware of reality, especially other ppl’s energies.

i have always been hyper-observant as well.

due to my emotional neglect, i never had anyone else’s opinions or mindsets put into my brain. i was always alone with only my thoughts.

although the way it all happened was terrible, and i wouldn’t wish such a life on anyone, i became my own person, able to see reality for what it was instead of seeing the world through what my family taught me.

i wish this kind of clarity onto every human.

although healing from my past trauma was incredibly painful, the growth that came from it, and the power in knowing that i can be better than my ancestors through conscious thought and actions, are things that i will never forget.

i will never regret being able to experience those feelings.

i will never regret being able to learn and grow, and become better than those before me.

and i will never regret standing my ground on my morals and beliefs.

i will fight for a world where the children can do better and better with each generation, taking humanity as a whole to new heights.

and at the same time, i will be more conscious of myself and what i need.

i will find healthy ways to fulfill my needs so that i can teach my children how to do the same for themselves.

i will travel the world and explore what i like and dislike.

i will meet new people and learn about the world i live in through them.

and i will always strive to do better for not only myself, but also for my family and friends, and for the human society as a whole.

to each their own. your feelings and experiences are always valid. i do not love the life i lived in the slightest, but i am objective in recognizing how much it allowed me to be more mature than some 40+ year old chuck who’s been rich their whole life.

may you find healing in whatever ways work best for you. and i’m sorry that you had to experience this world’s dark side. but you are strong. i know this because you’re here, reading this post.

the world can’t silence us. they’ve tried. but we are the foundation. without us, how can the world possibly change for the better?

— VIZHEN

[vizhen-thoughts]

hello fellow internet-goers

if you have come across this page and weren’t scared away, you are similar to me in many ways.

perhaps we have similar experiences or perspectives or goals for a greater purpose.

whatever the case may be, i am glad you felt as though you could relate to my thoughts.

allow me to introduce myself…

i go by the name “Vizhen”, which is the merriam webster dictionary’s pronunciation of vision (vi-zhən). i chose this as my screen name because i feel as though it is short, sweet, and to the point:

i have a vision that, deep down, i know is worth sharing and making into reality.

i’m a black pansexual woman in america, who’s recently been diagnosed AuDHD (autism + adhd) which only connected all of my experiences and answered all of my questions like:

who am i?

why do i have to try so hard to be normal, and its still not enough?

why are my thoughts so loud and so deep?

why do i struggle to meet people and fit in, even though i desperately want to?

why am i so gullible even after going through constant betrayal and disappointment?

why do i feel like i’m not myself until i’m by myself? and why do my habits feel so… weird, yet stimulating?

why do i not care about the rules of this society?

why do i wish to pave my own path, one that’s never been created before? and how do i go about doing that?

i am still working on that last question.

in the meantime, i felt like making this tumblr to post all my deepest thoughts, even the ones that would scare a normal person.

i wish you the best as you indulge yourself with my perspectives.

— VIZHEN

[vizhen-thoughts]

Thu June 9 2022 3:18pm

i recognize that this is just American entitlement in my subconscious, but i truly believe that people shouldn’t have to pay for the things they can’t live without. all humans can’t live without food, water, and some form of shelter.

i believe we’ve reached a point where established societies have all of those things to some extent. but i also believe that the human existence as a whole was meant to progress. continuously evolving and changing, doing not only better for humans across the globe, but doing better for the planet that provides us with these essentials.

forgive me for my mind and way of thinking are quite abstract and i’m often misunderstood, but i’ll do my best to explain this cohesively.

i think of the planet and human existence as ouroboros—the snake depicted eating its own tail. i view it this way because humans have the incredible ability of sentience, meaning that our brains evolve as we take in new information and that falls in the same category as learning, only it goes much deeper than that.

humans are able to walk on 2 legs with a straight back.

we learned how to make controlled fires to cook our food.

we learned how to make language to communicate our thoughts with words.

we went on to adapting to our environments by forming communities and utilizing shelter, eventually learning how to build our own houses. we learned how to build towns, cities, countries.

we developed cultures—which if you really think about it, the depth of any one culture is crazy, but the way that humans created multiple different cultures?? my god.

we were able to learn about how the body works, and how to cure disease and even do smaller things like alleviating pain or medicinally aiding a fever so you don’t die from it at any age.

right now, we are learning about how our brains work—how we have come to be “humans” as we now know it.

there’s still a lot to learn, but one truth has been rearing its ugly head lately—that is, we cannot go on like this, to say the least.

everything we are doing is not doing anyone any good. we can look at numbers and productivity levels and all that man-made crap. but the fact of the matter is personal satisfaction rates—maybe even overall satisfaction rates—are so low that i dont know a single person who’s happy with their life and genuinely means it.

and of course i do recognize that my perspective is limited to what i’ve seen. maybe there are more ppl satisfied with the true state of the world than the opposite. its just very hard for me to imagine that the majority of 7B humans would be okay with knowing that global warming will claim this Earth if we continue on this path, which will effect all humans—even the rich humans who think they’re untouchable.

nature’s funny like that, and so is karma. you see these are all very real things.

powerful humans do conquer the weak, and to be more specific, it is humans who have been allotted power by their human ancestors.

but nature will always find its balance, and that is a force that no human can stand against.

so, to put it bluntly, how do you feel about knowing that a lot of the things that are the fundamentals of our societies are actually killing us?

through diversifying our minds we can come together in ways never seen before and save our planet while saving ourselves. i think it’s absolutely stupid to insist on fighting when our home is at stake. when the planet’s uninhabitable there won’t be anywhere or anyone left to fight. we’ll all be screwed.

that is the reality of this dilemma we face.

so many factors go into this, major factors like nationalist ideals and diplomacy, and smaller factors down to the individual level of consciousness.

i’m definitely not going to pretend like i know every single thing or have all the answers, but i know for certain where we need to start. we all have a part to play in this, but until we all get on the same page and realize that life can be better, safer, and more gratifying for everyone, we will not get anywhere. in fact we will be the cause of our own destruction. but it doesn’t have to be this way.

we can come together.

“the internet will change the world,” is a quote i heard recently.

the fact is, the internet made us aware of the fact that other humans exist in worlds beyond our own. and that did not have to be a bad thing, but humans often repeat the same mistakes, such as extreme culture shock to the point of extreme rejection. depending on how you’re looking at the situation that could be either a good or a bad thing.

but the fact of the matter is, the internet opened our eyes to the world as a whole. there’s no way that that in itself isn’t a sign telling us to do better as one collective.

i stand firm on my beliefs and my morals—and call it entitlement, narcissism, or whatever you want— but all i wish to do with my life is be apart of the movement that’s gonna take all of humanity to a brighter future.

the future where every human can live in comfort and peace, no matter where their home is, and no matter where they wish their home to be.

the future where traveling is much easier and more efficient and safer for the environment.

the future where we can actually explore our own oceans and learn something abt this planet before we no longer have the opportunity for christ’s sake…

the future i envision is one where anyone can become whoever they want. whether they want to be a marine biologist, a doctor, a chef, or even just an at-home tech support or full-time parent.

everyone, and i do mean everyone, would love the opportunity to be productive in the way that works best for their physical and mental needs.

this future focuses on the individual within a greater society with the common goal of survival & prosperity. we all need it. for ourselves alive today, and for our children who will take our place.

i truly believe that we can change, and i have hope that we wont squander our planet and all the progress we’ve made up to this point.

— VIZHEN