violethuesblog

[violethuesblog]

What if one day you decide you don't want me anymore?

What then?

Who prepares you for such a thing?

A sudden loss?

Am I the only one who thinks about this?

[violethuesblog]

You were my drug.

you easily beat the holy grail,

acid, xanax and coke.

you were my quick fix, an adhesive to my tortured soul.

I am an addict, who turned to heroin to celebrate before

to drown my worries and bad days on a roll,

only to find nothing works anymore.

I knew we were wrong,

and I knew it was a lie,

a sweet one though, and I thought

since i'd already gotten some of you,

it couldn't hurt to get a little more.

I kept fooling myself things would change,

you kept fooling us both.

stolen glances, soft kisses and knowing strokes

how could anyone loathe?

something about our relationship always screamed 'dangerous' at me,

how our drunk bodies and starved eyes would crash

like hungry waves at the sea at midnight,

drowning our bodies under the covers,

never regretting a lovely night.

you were my secret,

my greatest pleasure,

my greatest treasure

and my greatest misery.

just put your arms around me,

and let me sink in,

make me feel like home once again

that's where i truly belong

I just wanna dance with you one more time

we can waltz all night while you hold me close and

glue me back together for the last time.

Then,

I promise I'll book the finest suite that money can buy

and be on my way straight to rehab,

to try, forget this crime of a lifetime.

.

©violethuesblog

[violethuesblog]

even on my worst day

did I deserve you babe,

all the hell you gave me

was it all justified , when I saw my future in you,

while you carelessly opted for the easy way out.

just because

I didn't scream my feelings out,

didn't mean they didn't exist.

I loved you with all my pieces,

did you fail to notice?

When I caught you slipping out the back door, you assured me-

that I'd find the person of my dreams one day.

but you are my dreams darling

and my nightmares,

torturing me one second,

loving me the next.

You left me alone in a house

filled with memories of you,

I wish you'd see the light of my bedroom

I kept it on all night long, incase you were near

incase you wanted to show up at the door sometime soon.

My friends promised me, all these sad feelings will soon fade away,

that's it okay to wish and fly thousands of miles away

away from you- faster and further

beating the speed of light,

until all the feelings are left behind, somewhere.

But I don't want what they think I want.

I don't want my feelings to fade or be gone.

I want them to be right here where they belong, in all my pieces for all eternity,

until the day the sun finally burns out.

I am not ready bid adieu, not now, not ever.

I don't want to be ever

not be in love with you.

it's crazy, isn't it?

.

(You really shouldn't be allowed to haunt me everyday,

I don't deserve you.)

.

©violethuesblog

[violethuesblog]

It always begins the same way.

I hear you yelling

and breaking things.

I find myself hunting corners

trying to hide before you create ruins.

Every time I end up here, I wonder

how it all started,

cause I don't remember deciding

writing to a bunch of strangers on the internet

who could relate to me

or find me remotely interesting.

I am getting tired of this cycle-

you do and say things you don’t mean,

Tell me how can somebody so nice and wise

can flip to turn into a monster I have grown to hate

and fail to recognize.

Every time I come and spill words here on the internet

disguised behind a lover or a friend that doesn’t exist,

I wish you'd come find me and read my words

to try and understand the underlying meaning.

Only if you had accepted me from the start

instead of tearing me apart

Maybe we could have been close

Maybe we could have loved one another in the end

And I wouldn’t be here

mourning a relationship we failed to mend.

Honestly, I am sick and tired of you and I.

and when they ask me why I cry,

As much as I want to blame you,

What am I supposed to do

but lie?

.

(From those drafts I wasn't ready to share.)

.

© violethuesblog

[violethuesblog]

I don't blame you for hurting me,

I blame myself for trusting you.

it's not your fault

I wasn't made for people around me.

I don't know how to act

or how to be.

I don't know how to makeup for

all the things I couldn't be.

only if there was a tutorial to teach me

on how to love myself

or fill my flaws into the mold you want me to be.

I am tired of being sad

I am tired of being me.

Every morning I hate the way I look

feeling like I am not good enough.

I can see you counting me out,

I can see myself being left out of everything.

I hate to be here again

inside the same sheets, same situation,

another day in pain, stuck here in this simulation of self hatred.

I have nothing and nobody

and the pain and suffering seems endless leaving me numb like winter creeping up from the shadows behind me.

But only if you would once look at me, for more than just a second and take the time to tell me-

that I am beautiful and worthy,

I just might believe you.

because it's you,

And the words from your perfect lips couldn't possibly be a lie,

could they be?

.

© violethuesblog

[violethuesblog]

For a long time I believed,

then began to question,

why does the dragon capture the princess?

why are knights always men

why are they glorified beyond reason?

What if all of it was a hoax

and the dragon didn't want the princess at all?

what if the princess wanted a break,

what if she pretended to be the wicked?

because like you, I thought so too,

for a while,

I thought I was the princess-

cotton candy pink, sitting in my room,

in the tower of the castle

young and beautiful, waiting for you.

But then I dared and looked into a mirror,

saw something I didn't recognize

to be sure I checked twice,

but tricky mirror didn't like to play nice.

It revealed- I was the dragon

breathing fire, sharp clawed,

sword for a tongue, dagger for eyes,

a hole in place of a heart,

surprise surprise.

It then dawned upon me

maybe I am the sweet princess and the scary dragon as well.

And maybe the knight is just an excuse my dad staged

to cover the mischief of his favorite little rebel.

Maybe my missing heart is among the mountains that stand tall and proud, meant to keep strangers out

until I find a guide on how to be more human

without getting my heart ripped out

by the mean men that surround

far across including the neighboring town.

now before you come yelling at me,

I know, I know you I baited you.

Promised you a story filled with mystery and swords.

I know you wanted a better tale,

tell me who wouldn't?

Nobody likes a princess turned woke, not broke.

Nobody likes reality but dreamy Disney happy endings.

Anyways, that's the complete story

and a secret you didn't ask for.

Call it a lie or spread the word

either way the truth is out.

.

©violethuesblog

[violethuesblog]

You treat her like she’s fragile,

Made of sugar and spice

And everything nice.

You believe she can break,

oh, you forget she can heal.

She might remind you of the stars above.

But try to defy her

and that'd be the last time you'd be

calling her sugar.

She’s not human, she’s filled with venom,

She’s not just a woman, she’s a powerful demon.

She sides with peace

but has raging wars inside

What makes you think she’d care

about a few battle scars

after she has you destroyed.

Pretty not soft,

Bold not petite,

Powerful, determined and sexy as hell,

You don’t know what to do with her

you can’t shut her up or just wish her away.

So with no options left, you decide to play her game,

You show her a mighty mountain,

Try to scare her away

tell how small she is,

how dainty and little

she’s nothing but an ant when compared.

She is powerless, no threat,

until she pulls out a sword and leads the mighty mountain to fall,

now the mountain doesn’t remain a mountain at all.

Who’d you call an ant, she challenges.

You see, you are not afraid that you might break her,

You are afraid she might break you instead.

Yet after this battle,

She returns home,

kicks off her heels,

takes off her makeup,

and lets her hair down.

She knows she’s dangerous,

but she knows what her family needs

her to be.

Because soon a man will come along and claim her,

saying that’s my girl,

I own her

And she’ll let him believe.

.

©violethuesblog

[violethuesblog]

A doll face stares back at me,

she blinks her round beady eyes,

with rosy cheeks and perfect chin

her smile, a lie,

those lashes, false,

her eyes zoom into me.

She's so damn beautiful,

prettier than I'll ever be,

her face made of bright porcelain

slightest touch reminds me of plain

ecstasy.

I stare into the mirror

while she stares back at me

paired with a clever symmetric smile,

thinking she's in on a secret

one I could never inherit.

She gracefully bats her long lashes one more time,

then tilts her head just right

where the sun kisses her soft and light.

Going about her ritual, she begins questioning-

you need me again,

don't you darling?

You need me to conceal your darkness and fears,

you need me to mask the truth

one that could potentially set you free.

It's unfortunate that,

you love yourself in the comfort of your home,

but you can't leave the door without me hovering.

Society's a bitch if they can't love you

it's not your fault, just their loss,

go on, put me on, I'm always here for you.

.

(to hide behind a mask called makeup)

.

©violethuesblog

[violethuesblog]

After a busy day at work,

I threw my bag, closed my eyes,

then inhaled the familiar scent that reminded me of things

I didn’t want to think about.

Like how I missed my parents,

Or couldn’t spend time with any of my friends,

Like how my work kept me busy

leaving no time for myself.

A lump formed in my throat from all the not-crying,

my hands started shivering

Cause staying strong was exhausting

and my lies were catching up to me.

So I shut my eyes tight and shifted gears

before I could break into tears.

The engine began to hum with the radio

They got along unlike me and the city metro.

I tried to decide in whose arms I wanted to be,

slammed my foot on the pedal to challenge the trees,

whilst trying to win a race that didn't exist.

I looked out the window, into the mirror that read,

Objects may be further than they seem.

then realised, everyone I longed for was miles ahead

than I'd like them to be.

I attempted to drown the voices before they turned into an uproar.

Then found myself in a place I hadn’t seen before.

I turned to the GPS which misled me like my ex.

It reminded of a broken heart from many moons ago,

While my phone signalled battery-low.

It didn’t seem to understand the place I was looking for

wasn’t on the map they sold in their fancy bookstore.

It was a temporary taste of freedom that I craved for

until I had to finally head back home.

I was lost and hurt and felt betrayed

so I started reflecting and concluded-

these trips I take aren’t for me to play explore

they are an escape, a chance to let go.

.

(And there’s no way I can explain the metaphor)

.

©violethuesblog

[violethuesblog]

It's crazy how I could physically feel my heart break

after our forced conversation today.

The tightness from holding back the tears felt like

my little victorian heart was being squished

by the same hands you once held.

You’re two thousand miles away

but I cannot help but think how they'll turn to infinite

when you catch the bus to the lands of grey.

Soon you’ll be further away

Because I can see you trying too much

I can see you drifting away.

I can see the signs clear as day.

Red flags are waving in my face.

But I'm not into the idea of a world

where you aren’t sharing my bedspace.

Death isn’t the only way to lose a person,

and I am scared of losing you.

Because I am very much in love

but it isn't long until you'd leave me too.

Soon there will be a day when you'll stop talking to me

While I'll keep talking about you with everybody else.

Soon I’ll start missing you so much that it’d hurt to breathe in

While you'd be running marathons and catching planes to places I've never been.

Soon our moments and memories will trap me.

They’ll keep washing over me like waves at the shore I live at.

Then a day will come, when they’ll take me with them to drown me.

But you won’t be here to rescue me

coz you'd be visiting places like Bethlehem.

I want to ask you to come back

But you haven’t exactly gone yet.

You keep saying you are with me.

But whenever open my eyes, all I see is sand and loneliness.

Every part of me keeps hoping

If and when you read this poem, it isn’t too late.

I hope you realise how much I adore you.

How much I wish you were here, next to me, holding my hand,

saying everything’s going to be okay,

and promising me

that these scary waves won't take me away.

.

(I miss you more than I’d like to admit.)

.

©violethuesblog

[violethuesblog]

Damn, you!

Damn, your voice.

[violethuesblog]

I met a boy once at christmastime,

Now I wish I could kiss him goodnight, just one last time.

But here I am, miles away

sitting on my stone cold bedroom floor,

Clutching the phone, gripping it tight,

wishing it would buzz, light up with your name one more time,

while waiting on text that's never going to arrive.

I miss you but I just texted you that.

I am also in love with you, I wish you would write me back.

I know I shouldn’t be crying so much over a person

out of 7 billion, you shouldn't be the cause of my destruction.

I know I shouldn’t care and stop giving when I never get.

But how can I, when every time my name rolls off your tongue, I melt.

I melt like those candles you light up every time you mess up.

Or like the ice in your drink that's still kept untouched from the last time you visited.

It was stupid really,

Meeting you, falling for you, loving you the way I did

and thinking it would last forever.

I mean how naive could I be, thinking I could fix you

After you told me the tale of your cold broken heart.

After you warned me repeatedly how it would tear me apart.

Look at me, I've fallen like a fool for you.

Even after everything you did,

I can't stop loving you, not for a second,

not even when you took all of me and left a void.

Actually, you didn’t do this to me.

I did.

Infact, I did it for you.

I loved you and you broke me.

What I am currently going through isn’t just a heart break.

It’s an earthquake breaking the records on the richter scale.

Now, I am sitting between the ruins holding my phone waiting on a text.

It's been so long, my hands look pale.

I think I turned myself into what I was mesmerized by.

I turned to a love that destroyed me,

I turned myself into art and poetry.

The walls I built up once are all broken

They came down crashing.

I took them out during our downfall

and there is no fixing.

I see people watching and whispering

They see me through a thick glass

of what I think is a museum

where I am on display for entertaining.

The theme is destruction and ruins,

And baby, I think I might be winning.

.

©violethuesblog

[violethuesblog]

Every time I walk on the street, I can feel eyes watching and judging me.

I can hear them thinking,

Doesn’t she want to be pretty?

They picture me standing before a mirror,

wanting to chop off some skin and getting rid of what's more.

They think being pretty, being skinny is the only trophy I need.

They don’t know I am good at studies,

or I can be creative and funny.

They don’t know they give me nightmares,

that I spin and weave into poetry.

When I tell them, I skipped my breakfast, and ate a fruit for lunch,

They encourage me, thinking it’s an achievement.

When I go to the gym or run for a hobby

They think I have finally understood- if I want to fit in, I need to stop being chubby.

What they don’t know is I eat salads on dates

and decline deserts, trying to turn my stomach juices into poisonous wine.

sweating over the fact I am far from being fine.

Fragile bones and sticks and stones is what they want me to be

because I’m worthless, because I deserve this, because I’m ugly, stupid and fat

and because I need a pretty boy to marry me.

They compliment me- I look better now

if I keep that smile and don’t let the truth come out.

The truth being, I put up this act for so long that my body rejects food now,

I am allergic to major food groups but that’s okay.

I am dying here, falling apart like ashes from a cigarette.

but that’s not the point, see at least I look pretty and skinny now.

Even the doctor I visited, brushed off my symptoms and allergies,

brushed of the flu I had and whispered to my mother,

after the fever’s gone, lets work out a diet plan,

to which she slowly, shamefully, nodded aye.

and nothing broke me more than seeing her comply.

My eyes pricked and I opened my mouth.

I wanted to talk about it.

I wanted to scream and shout and yell about it.

but all I could do was let out a whimper and then I passed out.

.

I am afraid of the weighing scale.

.

©violethuesblog

[violethuesblog]

My brain knew

But my heart wasn’t ready.

Call it- story of my life,

Or the definition of me.

Only if my heart knew

How to love someone who’d love me too,

I promise, I wouldn’t always run

straight back to you.

My brain keeps whispering to my heart,

love isn’t supposed to be conditional.

All those- ‘I love you's

aren’t supposed be followed with demands

and corrections.

You keep reminding me everyday

I am not enough.

You keep breaking my heart

I happily keep ignoring the truth.

You could let me down a thousand times,

You’d still find me a call away,

incase you need me.

incase you realised, you missed me too.

That’s the woeful thing about honest love,

I could kiss and dance with hundreds,

But nobody would compare to you,

Even if you didn’t love me back.

Even if my brain kept warning my heart.

Even if my heart broke into two.

Even if I knew better.

Even if you treated her better right in front of me.

I’ll tell myself you are only pretending.

.

©violethuesblog

[violethuesblog]

💔

from an essay I wrote abt trauma

[violethuesblog]

How ironic is it that I love myself but am scared of a part of me.

I try to get rid of him, and attempt standing behind a tree.

I hide in the darkness where no one can outline me.

But I can feel his gaze on my back, burning,

his eyes staring into mine,

searching, looking for something.

It creeps me out and sends shivers down my spine.

I get nervous and,

step out from behind the tree.

Now I can see him and he can see me.

I contemplate my options and stupidly smile,

trying to make polite conversation when I meet his eyes.

He returns my smile with an icy glare that only further spookes me.

I try to walk around and then run without looking back.

But this big dark blob keeps following me,

I ask myself if he’s been there for days following me

or have I just been ignorant and busy?

Is he real or a figment of my imagination,

Because no matter what I do, it keeps popping behind me.

I pray to God, I beg him to help.

Then look back to check if my prayer’s worked or is he's still there.

I think recognise this darkness from somewhere,

just can’t put a finger on the feeling.

Is it my demons or the sins of my past?

Is it the fears I have buried deep within?

Is it the monster from under my bed?

Or just my shadow twin that follows me,

From the moment I was born

in form of a human,

trying to stay by me?

.

©violethuesblog

[violethuesblog]

You took me to my favourite cafe, ordered me my favourite drink.

Then informed me you cheated, said it was time to leave.

My world came crashing down.

I knew such things happened, just never believed it could happen to me.

Cheating is not a mistake, and it happens between two.

There is someone, there’s always someone,

The worst part is, it’s never an alien.

All the way home, I kept asking myself,

What does she have that I don’t?

What made your heart so weak,

that it couldn’t stay where it belonged?

You had a thousand little chances,

A thousand little decisions until you broke me.

I don’t know what hurts me more,

She holding you or you kissing her instead of me.

I opened instagram, looking for a sign,

There must be something that justifies,

how could your heart no longer be mine?

It sounds terrible to ask, but was I not good enough?

Was there something wrong with the way I loved?

Now my body feels weak,

there’s a pit in my stomach and a hole in my heart,

Every time I see a mirror ,

I find my reflection, then cry just another river.

I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. What have you done to me?

My phone’s blowing up, my best friend is so worried.

I tried not to call you, to give you the satisfaction of ruining me.

I tried not to write this poem, I knew it would turn it into reality.

The butterflies you once gave me, have turned into bees.

All the flutters in my stomach, have started stinging me.

I keep asking myself, was it all a lie? Or did you ever love me?

I just wish you would apologise, say that you didn’t cheat and lie to me.

Say that it was all a big misunderstanding, say that you still love me, please.

I can’t have this happen to me.

.

©violethuesblog