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[veterancoffeemaker]

Oh? You think that was a pretty good Chekhov’s gun I set up there? Haha, yes, of course I planned it out! It’s not letting just happened to form a vaguely cohesive plot out of the random plot pieces I assembled earlier, noooo, that would be silly!

“how do you plot / plan your book?” very bold of you to assume i do that.

[veterancoffeemaker]

This is a twelve year old post that literally just says “Hi!”

It is just a greeting, among the shortest possible, in fact. It uses only three characters, yet still it sends a powerful message.

It begins with the use of a “Hi”, a simple English greeting in common use for centuries now. That it is not the more formal “Hello” indicates a more casual sense to it, meant to be a welcoming gesture as part of forming a more cordial dynamic.

However, this isn’t simply “Hi”, but rather “Hi!” As we can see, it ends with an exclamation mark. This reinforces how the greeting aims to be more casual and low register. This result could also be achieved with use of a “Yo” or even a “Hoi”, yet it would be missing one crucial aspect; even if the same register, it would not be the same tone. The exclamation mark gives the “Hi” a much greater sense of energy and enthusiasm, clearly a carefully considered choice to optimise the sense of hospitality felt by any reader of this post.

Of course, this all leaves one final question to ask: Why on Earth did Tumblr decide to put this twelve year old post on my feed?!

Hi!

[veterancoffeemaker]

Superhero: Wait, what do you mean you’re married?!

Supervillain: What, did you think just because I want to take over the world I’m incapable of love?

Superhero: No, it’s just… when have you had the time for that? You’re always up to some new big scheme every week!

Supervillain: Yes, I manage my time well, and maybe in future you’ll be more considerate of it. You took so long last getting to my lair last week that I almost missed my daughter’s violin recital.

Superhero: YOU HAVE A KID TOO?!?

A supervillain is trying to get his wife to the hospital, but the superheroes are intervening because they believe he has kidnapped her.

[veterancoffeemaker]

What if there’s just some specific trigger word or image you have to think of to sleep, it’s just everyone always forget what it is because you fall asleep as soon as you think of it.

[veterancoffeemaker]

Ever wanted the mathematical understanding differences between engineers, physicists and mathematicians explained using an English grammar rule? No? Well too bad, I’m doing it anyway.

Firstly, the English adjective order. It exists. Don’t believe me? Just say the phrase “the red big truck” in your head. That should feel wrong to you, because it is. In English, the adjective for a noun’s size comes before its colour. Most native English speakers aren’t aware of this grammar rule despite the fact that they subconsciously use it and can immediately tell when something doesn’t follow it.

These are your engineers—people who use the thing without much understanding of the fundamental rules behind it. Some might be aware of it, some may even learn it, but it’s not typically necessary knowledge as simply knowing how to use it correctly is enough for their work.

Physicists are the ones who not only know how to use it but also know the details of it. They understand how it works and why, which is a step past what most engineers will have learnt. This is because they’re usually working at a much deeper level and need to know the intricacies about it to properly utilise it.

Then, finally, you have the mathematicians, who scoff at the idea either of these other two idiots have any idea what they’re playing with. They not only know what the adjective order is, but have a deeper understanding of the underlying principles behind it and why it is this way to begin with. With them, you can hardly expect almost anything they say to be relevant to its actual normal use in life.

Anyway, hopefully this made and was of some use to someone out there.

[veterancoffeemaker]

I’ve always seen optimism as often seeming rather dumb and naïve (mainly due to both school and some of the useless “life advise” you see online) but the other day I had a bit of a realisation over the difference between good and bad optimism.

Unhealthy optimism is looking at a shitty situation and saying “nah, everything is fine” despite that clearly not being the case.

Healthy optimism is looking at that same shitty situation and telling yourself “yeah, alright, things are pretty shit right now, but it can get better in the future.”

This is an importance difference, both for yourself and helping others. If someone is struggling with life for whatever reason, telling them to just “look on the bright side” or that “things aren’t all that bad” isn’t helpful.

What is infinitely more useful is reminding them that things can always improve, so stay determined. It may seem bad now, but giving up will only ensure it stays this way. Remind yourself of the inevitable dawn at the end of even the darkest night, not that the weather is actually a clear sunny day and that nothing can convince you otherwise.

[veterancoffeemaker]

What I’ve always wanted to see more of is fictional characters who are utterly selfish, but borderline obsessive in their approach to it.

This isn’t just your regular selfish person here, this is one of those human calculators except everything is going into “how do I benefit the most out of this?”

Enough of these selfish idiots who throw everything away at the most shortsighted rewards—no, I want someone who will carefully plot their every action to provide the greatest net return to them, even if it costs them in the short-term.

Have a chance to betray your party for a greater share of the loot?

Well, how strong is the party? I mean, can you really expect to kill them in a cost-effective manner? What about their personalities? If the treasure isn’t too heavy and they’re not too determined, you may just get away with taking it and running. But even if you kill them, then there’s other complications. Do they have friends and family who may seek revenge on their behalf? Will people learn about how they “disappeared” with you, thereby discouraging others from working with you in future? Not to mention, how much of an asset are they alive? People tend to feel some “bond” or something whenever they travel with you for a while, perhaps whatever future use you can get out of that is better than the treasure?

Again, this isn’t the kind of person to see you hanging off the edge of an unstable cliff and leave you without a second chance. No, this is someone who will see you hanging off the edge of an unstable cliff and precisely evaluate the value you have to them against the risk brought by helping you.

Even for someone in a ruling position, being able to recognise the powerful intangible asset that is the public’s goodwill is a powerful thing.

Helping people because it’s the right thing to do? Nah, screw that. I’m helping people because it means they like me—and when things in your kingdom start going to hell, making sure the general populace aren’t looking for your head is a pretty major advantage.

[veterancoffeemaker]

It’s funny how writing can be like this sometimes.

Masterfully putting together an entire fictional world? Developing a deep rich culture, centuries of history, conflict and grudges rooted in old feuds that must now be cast aside in face of a greater threat? Done!

Writing complex and enjoyable characters, each with their own lives and personalities, their own beliefs and values, their own goals and motivations in this great quest, yet managing to stay thoroughly entertaining and compelling throughout it all? Yep!

Planning out the perilous journey that they must now undertake—full of dangers and twists, new friends and old foes—one which will ensure they grow as people and change for the better? Trickier, but complete!

Great, that’s all done! Now, what’s next?

Oh, uh… describe some… mundane noun or action? Huh… it can’t be that hard, surely…?

This would be followed by staring blankly at an empty page for the next three weeks.

Writing is all fun and games until you have to describe a room.

[veterancoffeemaker]

This kind of thing has always been my favourite approach to immortality.

You just casually stroll across the battlefield, playing Mr. Blue Sky, as everyone around you gawks in bewilderment.

Soldiers aim their rifles only to find their guns jam as they pull the trigger. An artillery shell burrows into the dirt in front of you, to which you just continue to walk over without concern. As you step in the way of a tank, its engine comes to a sudden stop as it miraculously runs out of gas right before it should’ve run you over.

Alternatively, you become the world’s best Russian roulette player.

You got one wish, and it was for immortality. It only took a few years to realize you no longer age, but you only just found out you’re not unkillable, but circumstances will change around you to prevent you from getting hurt.

[veterancoffeemaker]

“The average person is made up of two spiders” factoid is actually just a statistical error. The average person is made up of 0 spiders. Spiders Speve, who was genetically engineered by its parents to be made up of 14 billion spiders, is an outlier and should not be counted.

“mom, dad, you don’t have to tell me, I already know I’m adopte-“ “made up of 14 billions spiders, yes … it’s true” “… ex-fucking-cuse me?!”

[veterancoffeemaker]

Me: (glances nervously at unfinished fanfic)

[veterancoffeemaker]

“James?! You're alive?”

“I feel half dead and haven’t ate for the better half of a week, but yes, I live.”

“This… I can’t believe it! Last I heard you were taken in some damn demonic raid, we all thought you were as good as dead. Did you get away before they brought you to the underworld?”

“No, unfortunately. I don’t really remember the raid, but first thing I knew I awoke in some dark prison cell.”

“What? Then how did you escape?”

“I… uh… well, this might sound a bit crazy, but… I may have kind of caused a slight little… civil war?”

“… you what?”

“Yeah, so, I was about to be tortured and, well, quite frankly I didn’t want to be, so I started thinking of whatever I could to avoid it. In my frenzied attempts to come up with something, I started asking the demons about their working conditions, telling them they deserved better and explaining to them what workers unions are. I hoped maybe I could get them to strike or something—anything to escape the immediate threat of torture.”

“Did they listened to you?”

“Not at first, most of them just ignored or laughed at me, but then one of them started listening, followed by another, then another.”

“And that… worked?!?”

“Well, as it turns out, all the demons who work those places? They’re basically treated like slaves by their overlords, so my ideas quickly started catching on.”

“So what, they started a strike and you used it to leave?”

“Not… quite. There was a strike, but it was quickly and harshly beaten down. This caused a lot of anger and, well, the way I saw it, I had two choices: I let them take out that anger on me—likely leading to a brutal and painful death—or I rile them up into a full on… well, let’s just say I may have introduced some new ideas to them about social hierarchies and the natural order of things.”

“… you’re telling me you started a full scale demonic revolution in the half a week you spent there?”

“Pretty much. They were actually rather nice to me towards the end. I suppose as thanks for helping them ‘break their chains’, they broke mine and allowed me to leave.”

“That’s… god, and I thought seeing you’re alive would be the craziest thing that I learn today…”

To avoid being tortured, you started to explain workers unions to any demon that would listen. Your goal is to cause a strike.

[veterancoffeemaker]

Dad: Well, me and your mother wear glasses, so you can thank genetics for why you need them too.

Me: …

(Flashes back to childhood)

Kid Me: Hmm, I wonder how long I can stare directly at the sun… time to find out!

Present Me: … y-yeah, sure, genetics…

[veterancoffeemaker]

I find it funny how I already know several of these BECAUSE they were featured in some work of fiction.

It’s crazy just how much random specific knowledge people sometimes have because “it was mentioned/shown in a story I liked.”

Notes from a concerned medical professional who reads too much hurt/comfort:

(These are all things I've seen in Hazbin/Helluva fanfics)

(Tw: for injury, illness, gore, drug use, overdose, a lot of other things)

You cannot drug someone to sleep by overdosing them on melatonin. It will not work

Don't submerge an open wound or stitches in a bathtub/pool/etc it will introduce bacteria to the wound (taking a shower is usually fine, just skip the romantic bath)

On that note, stitches do not immediately stop a wound from bleeding and should not be used to solve every problem (never give yourself stitches unless you have absolutely no other choice they can trap infection inside the body when done incorrectly)

And, if the wound is extremely deep, a person may need several layers of stitches to piece together the skin, muscle, and viscera

You absolutely cannot get high on tylenol or ibuprofen even if you mix it with alcohol.

If you do mix tylenol or ibuprofen with alcohol it can cause internal bleeding/kidney damage/liver failure, so please don't do that

If someone is shivering from a high fever, don't cover them in blankets it will raise their body temperature even more (please try correctly dosed tylenol or ibuprofen for this)

Don't submerge someone with a high fever in ice water, they might go into shock (they also might panic and hurt themselves) in a pinch lukewarm water will do

Don't put ice on burns, run them under lukewarm or cool water instead

If someone overdoses on an opoid (heroin, morphine, various pain medications), there is a medicine called nalaxone (Narcan) that can reverse the effects of opioids (edit: thank you to @queerlybehooved)

If someone is bleeding profusely, don't just hold their head and whisper sweet nothings, put pressure on the wound!!!

If a bullet remains in a person’s body after being shot it most likely should not be dug out unless it's blocking something vital, the bullet is not the problem the damage it made in it's path is

This isn't a criticism of authors who have written things like this. A lot of it isn't common knowledge, and DIY healthcare is absolutely steeped in myth and misinformation. I just worry about disinformation being perpetuated (and I really enjoy accurate hurt/comfort)

If I got anything wrong, please let me know, and I'll edit the post. I'm far from perfect and appreciate good advice

Let me know if you guys want a fic rec list of my favorite Hazbin Hotel whump fics

[veterancoffeemaker]

When your author’s notes are literally

Useful notes for future Common Responses And Symptoms of Trauma Emotional signs include…

[veterancoffeemaker]

I was just looking through my document of notes, plans and scenes for my fic and found this…

Steak or stake is the vampiric equivalent of fight or flight.

I… I just… what?

Why did I write this?

Nothing in this story involves vampires! WHY IS THIS HERE?!???

[veterancoffeemaker]

This, except at least half of those 3,000 words is just “revising” previous sections.

My writing process:

Writing 3,000 words at 4am and then not touching my MS for another month.